(Untitled)

[drownondryland]

It's the story of Meredith's life, really. Every time she starts to get back on her feet, something new comes along to bowl her over, and it's all the more frustrating for the fact it forces on her, the realization that she's grown soft here. Things were so good for a while, so peaceful, at least compared to the lives she and Sean had led before;

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[drownondryland]

"Alex?" She feels like a goddamn parrot, echoing back everything, but that still makes her smile a little when it sinks in. Alex and Izzie got married. She's strangely proud of him for that (and if he can, why can't she?). Meredith nods a moment later, drawing in a deep, unsteady breath. "I, I, I knew. That she was sick, I knew... She was here for a while. Not anymore

[drownondryland]

There was a list Lexie once made, things about her, reasons not to hate her, like knowing her better will make her more human to Meredith. She can't remember any of the reasons now, but she already feels she's learning too much. It's the first time she's heard Lexie say anything that reminded her so intensely of - well, of herself.

She's not even fully healed yet and that's probably in part because she and Sean are back at it again, burying their problems in sex and alcohol and whatever she can come up with to do at work.

"It doesn't work," she says, shaking her head at her, faintly incredulous. "You can't just try not to feel. You're going to feel anyway, it's how you work, and anyway, it just, it doesn't work. It's great for an hour or two, sure, but that doesn't fix anything, Lexie... You were dating Mark Sloan?"

[lexiepedia]

Groaning faintly, the thought having somehow not occurred to her that Meredith wouldn't know about her and Mark, Lexie nods, her frown only deepening for it. If Meredith's from that early - which, of course, she would have to be, with her not knowing about Derek and still acting like they're of no relation - then all she'll probably know is Mark the playboy who's slept with most of the nurses in the hospital, when he's so much more than that.

Even in trying to explain about how miserable she's been, she can't help still loving him.

"I was living with Mark Sloan," she corrects, head lifting just enough that she can try to meet Meredith's gaze. "I had been for months, ever since you and Derek got married and I walked in on you two having sex on the kitchen counter. And then all of a sudden he's got this eighteen year old he didn't know about, and she's - totally awful, not to mention pregnant, and he just up and tells her that she and the baby can move in with us. Doesn't talk to me first or anything. And he acts like I'm the bad guy

[drownondryland]

Meredith stares blankly at her, trying to give herself a moment to sort through all of that, even if it's the detail that's least relevant that sticks out the most for her. God, she misses her house and all the privacy it afforded. Mark Sloan having a pregnant daughter just really isn't all that surprising. That he was actually cohabiting with a lasting girlfriend, though, that's news. She's always figured he wasn't really that bad, but she'd never pegged him for being one to settle down.

Although, to be fair, she'd never figured herself for that either. She'd never really pictured Alex getting married. Even with her stranded here, they're all growing up, and god knows she never imagined that happening. "He wants you to live with his eighteen year old daughter and her baby," she says, just in case she's not getting this right, not entirely conscious that she's starting to side with Lexie just a little. "And doesn't ask you. That's ridiculous. That's insane. I mean, it's very sweet of him to, to take care of her, but it's insane. God

[lexiepedia]

"I am not a child," Lexie protests, speaking on instinct alone. A moment later, it occurs to her that Meredith is agreeing with her, and that isn't something to be ignored but rather seized upon, and not just because it's sort of like proof that she was in the right here. Maybe sleeping with Alex was a bad, awful idea, but as much as she hadn't wanted to leave Mark, at least now she can be more certain that not being okay with Sloan and her baby moving in was okay. She isn't a child, but she's in no position to play mother to an eighteen year old, freaking grandmother to her baby. She's not even ready for kids of her own yet.

Mouth set in a thin line, she lifts one shoulder. "I'm twenty-five," she answers, like that makes all the difference. "And yeah, it is. She'd already been staying with us for, like, a month and a half, and, you know, I was okay with that. Or I tried to be okay with that. Even though she was kind of a bitch and totally took advantage of him and his money, I was okay with that, because she didn't have anywhere

[drownondryland]

Meredith nods absently, coloring a little as she considers that, chiefly the part about Lexie's age (okay, fine, she's not a child, and at least Meredith isn't as old as Mark. Besides, she knows from experience how much a person can change between eighteen and twenty-five). She's not used to hearing that kind of edge in Lexie's voice. It's actually kind of refreshing.

"He should have talked to you," she says. "If he doesn't understand that, if he can't respect that you have a say..." She shakes her head. This isn't even something she should be thinking about, isn't her problem at all. Wouldn't she have done the same thing, though, in Lexie's shoes? Certainly at her age, maybe even now, a couple weeks shy of thirty-one. "I have no trouble imagining he has a kid - many kids, probably, lots of them - but I can't imagine him being a father. That's so weird."

[lexiepedia]

"I know, right?" Lexie asks, leaning forward just a little, more enthusiasm in her words. She loves Mark, even now, and is well aware that the side she's seen of him isn't one that most people are acquainted with, but that doesn't make the idea of him as a father any less strange. It isn't like she's been planning on kids, at least not until way, way down the line from now, if ever, and she'd sort of envisioned them staying together that long. Not that it makes any difference now, anyway, when she's here and he isn't. "It was the weirdest thing. Like... She showed up, and something just clicked. He went into father overdrive. Kind of scary."

[drownondryland]

"Making up for lost time," Meredith suggests, though her voice softens a little as she toys with her fork. It's nothing she wants to think about, not in any sense, not as it relates back to her life, how now she's basically got the precise opposite problem. As far as people from Seattle showing up here go, Mark's nowhere near the top of her list, but just now she wouldn't mind. If nothing else, he was always nice to her and Lexie probably deserves to give him a piece of her mind. "A lot of guys wouldn't have been so welcoming. He could've stood to be a little less welcoming, but it's... it's commendable."

[lexiepedia]

"It is," Lexie allows, because in theory, at least, it's true. In practice, probably not so much, given the way Sloan acted and how much he let her get away with, as if she could do no wrong. She'd almost preferred it when they were hardly speaking, cohabitating but not having much to do with each other. "I think it was the baby that did it. Flipped the switch in his head, I mean. I just - Jesus, Meredith, he's going to be a grandfather. That's weird. And, you know, it's great, it really is, that he was so willing to help them, but that doesn't mean I mean nothing."

[drownondryland]

She does to Meredith, or so Meredith keeps telling herself, this background litany she needs to hold onto. She doesn't want a sister. Her life is complicated enough as it is, even here, and she doesn't need a daily reminder of why she's so fucked up. At least Lexie's problems are somewhat normal (so, what, some part of her brain counters, and hers aren't? What's more normal than feeling abandoned? What's more ordinary than marriage and family? Probably the people who know that's what they want, for one. In a weird way, she's proud of Sloan, even envious).

"He has a responsibility to his family," she says. Crap, now she feels like a hypocrite again. But this isn't her family. "But no, I guess, you're - he also... has one to you. Had. Either way, Lexie, you're stuck here now."

[lexiepedia]

"Yeah," Lexie mumbles, frowning all over again. She's stuck here now, and so it shouldn't make a difference what happened between her and Mark, because she doubts it would change whether or not she showed up. She can't shake it, though, the way it stings to think about, both his outright telling her that she didn't matter as much to him as his daughter (which makes sense, in theory, but a balance could have been struck, he didn't have to shut her out entirely) and the way he'd reacted to finding out she slept with Alex. Like he was any better, running off and screwing Addison. "That's why my hair's blonde, by the way. I left him and needed a change so I dyed my hair. I know you said something about it before."

[drownondryland]

Meredith's almost forgotten that - not the whole thing, because it was pretty unforgettable, but most of the details of the conversation. She's keen to keep these things out of her mind as much as possible, to forget Lexie, and here she is having something that resembles a heart-to-heart far too closely for comfort. At least she isn't pouring out her own worries and fears, of which there are too many to name and explain as it is (she's fucking married, somewhere out there. There are no words for the horror this induces or the disappointment in herself it causes or the way she doesn't know if that's for married-her or this-her).

"It's a little weird," she says, gesturing toward Lexie with her fork. She shrugs a shoulder. "But mine was probably weirder when I dyed it. It's not going to change you. Dying your hair, sleeping with Alex, it doesn't fix anything."

[lexiepedia]

"Oh, I tried talking to him first," Lexie replies, sullen, finishing off the last of her slice of pie and eying the dish of the rest of it, debating whether or not to go for more. "He wouldn't even look at me. Until he saw just my hair and thought I was someone new and hit on me. Not exactly what I was hoping for." It isn't until she feels her lower lip begin to quiver that she realizes just how upset she is about this whole mess, even here, God knows how far from home and unable to get back. Plaintive, she lifts her gaze from the crumbs on her plate to her sister, eyes wide. "Look, I know you don't like me, and I know you probably don't want to hear any of this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to, and - I miss him so much, Meredith."

[drownondryland]

Lexie's really good at this - and Meredith doesn't think it's meant to be a trick or anything, she's too genuine for that, but that's the problem. Lexie is sweet and good and wide-eyed like cartoon birds ought to be braiding her hair in the morning, and when she looks like that, so upset and earnest, it's impossible to rebuff her without feeling like this somehow makes her a terrible person. Like, if she'd been raised right, the way Lexie was, if she wasn't all the things she held against their father, she'd stick around instead of turning away the way he did

[lexiepedia]

It's basically the same thing. Lexie just manages to keep from saying as much, and only because they've had an approximation of this conversation time and time again. That wasn't this Meredith, she's long since caught on to that much, but the repetition has a tendency to become as grating as it is painful, and she's tired. Being here is tiring. She misses Seattle, she misses the hospital, she misses Mark and her sister and even Alex, if only because she thinks that if he were here, this would be a lot easier to deal with. She might be able to move on more easily.

"I don't know how you do it," she says somewhat abruptly, expression bordering on bewildered. "Not the not dealing with me, but the being here for three years. That's, it's crazy. How anyone could. It's depressing." Not for the first time, she has absolutely no one, and doesn't have the faintest idea what to do with that.

[drownondryland]

Meredith draws in a breath (noting distantly that it doesn't really hurt anymore; that's still a relief every time), her gaze fixed on the table for a few long moments. "You learn to live with it," she says. She shakes her head and shrugs. There's a lot she could say, a lot of thoughts jostling for supremacy in her mind, a lot she's fighting not to think. There's so much about this place she'll never be okay with, things that make everything harder for her, and she knows that, these days, her issues are as much to do with where they are as how she was raised. At the end of the day, though, she can't honestly say it hasn't been worth it.

"It's hard," she continues with a sigh. "It's... it's really not easy. No schedule, no patients. No hospital. No friends. It's... weird and confusing and a little scary. I know. I hated it. It was unbearable. But you... bear it anyway. And it gets easier. It gets better. You learn to live with it. Maybe even like it."