Poetry does not always = alliteration. I like this poem, and the formal diction. You didn't rely on absurd imagery, which is easy to do. I often rely too much on it. My only recommendations would be the verb choice in the first two stanzas with verbs like "standing" and "sit". Possibly you could work with those more. Also in the second to last stanza you may want to try to find away to show the reader what the character is thinking instead of blatantly telling us. Otherwise, this is good. It could more sound, but I like what you have. My two cents. Sorry.
PS - think about a weekend to come up to lafayette...i may be sucked in by a second job soon.
you're right, and I said nothing about alliteration.
take, for instance, the discription of the food in this poem:
"watery green beans, mystery meat, mashers white bread, fruit cocktail, coffee"
good. but virginia adair (albiet a poet by profession) out does it with three words:
"fried chicken, cupcakes, strawberries."
Something foriegn from technique and certaintly not "abusurd" makes that a good line. I'm not criticizing Ian's work or trying to sound prententious, I'm just tryign to explain myself. Of course poetry is something other than images; when you discuss a poem, you should discuss it's prowess as a poem. Verb choice and the clean communication of an idea are universally recognized traits of any decent literature. What prosody fails or succeeds here?
i was slamming you or anything. "swallowing shit-swill" sounded like a good example of alliteration. i didn't really know what you meant. fine by defending it. i'm sure you know what you're talking about so don't get me wrong. as for edit, i don't hate them. i know they have talent. they're just not what i really listen to, but it's fine if you do.
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conceptually, it's sound; where's the 'poetry'?
"...swallowing shit-swill" i remeber from your last. THAT'S poetry, it sings.
...
still good.
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PS - think about a weekend to come up to lafayette...i may be sucked in by a second job soon.
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take, for instance, the discription of the food in this poem:
"watery green beans, mystery meat, mashers
white bread, fruit cocktail, coffee"
good. but virginia adair (albiet a poet by profession) out does it with three words:
"fried chicken, cupcakes, strawberries."
Something foriegn from technique and certaintly not "abusurd" makes that a good line. I'm not criticizing Ian's work or trying to sound prententious, I'm just tryign to explain myself. Of course poetry is something other than images; when you discuss a poem, you should discuss it's prowess as a poem. Verb choice and the clean communication of an idea are universally recognized traits of any decent literature. What prosody fails or succeeds here?
also why do you hate etid :[
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reading this made me feel good. not enough poetry in my life.
how anti-romantic.
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Also, I agree that you should visit soon. Once it's warm, we should also go camping...
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Yeah, I'll call you and we'll figure something out. I'd love to pay you heathens a visit in a week or two.
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