In the Tunnels
Picking up where the last fic left off . . . What REALLY happened in the tunnels while Selmak and Jacob were blending.
***************************************************************************
Oh God, what was I thinking? Why would I even consider putting Dad through this? Colonel O’Neill looked at me like I was crazy when I decided to ask Dad to be a host to Selmak - maybe he’s right.
I meant what I said abut understanding things better now that I’ve talked to Martouf and me the other Tok’ra. I do wish I had understood better and hadn’t fought Jolinar every step of the way. I can only hope that this will be a positive experience for Dad. I know that I haven’t come to terms with being blended with Jolinar and with Jolinar sacrificing herself to save me. I know that I’m still sorting this all out - I meant it when I told Martouf that I still need time to make sense of everything. But I can not and WILL NOT sit idly by and let Dad die - not when I can save him! Maybe I’m just being selfish but I’m not ready to give him up yet, not when we’ve just started talking again. I know there’s a chance this won’t work. I know we may be captured by the Goa’uld and not make it out of here at all, but I had to do something!
As I brushed my hand against Dad’s cheek, I felt Martouf sit beside me. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and sighed. “Martouf, you shouldn’t have stayed. Now I’ve put your life at risk too.” I said, not taking my eyes off of my dad’s face. He looked so peaceful and I could only hope that Selmak was strong enough to help him…to help both of them.
“Samantha, I couldn’t have left you and your father here alone - not when I feel responsible for the well-being of both of you. Your father is here because we asked for a host for Selmak - it would be wrong to leave him now. And, I must admit, I had hoped to spend more time with you, to help you understand the Tok’ra and our ways better.”
I turned to look at Martouf, my eyes meeting his. “Thank you. I think I am starting to understand better. Hearing Sarouche talk to my dad helped too. It must be amazing to share all of that knowledge with someone, knowing that it’s being shared willingly. I think …well…um…see…I don’t know that I would have willingly blended with Jolinar then, but I’m beginning to understand why someone would want to be blended or even welcome the blending. I’m just not sure I want another…being, I guess…privy to everything that’s in my head, ya know?” I lowered my eyes and felt myself flush. “Some things, like intimacy, are just things I can’t bring myself to share as readily as Jolinar and Rosha were.”
“I understand how that can be uncomfortable for you, Samantha,” Martouf answered, catching my eyes again. His gaze became so intense that I had to look away, again dropping my eyes to my dad’s face. I sighed again, brushing my fingers along his forehead. I stood and walked to the doorway of the chamber, keeping my back to Martouf and my dad, impatiently brushing a tear from my cheek. I stood lost in thought for a moment, worrying about Dad. When I turned back, I saw Martouf still sitting, watching my father and Selmak with so much concern in his eyes that it made me gasp. This man in front of me took my breath away with the care he so openly displayed not only for his friend, but for someone he hardly even knew as well. And not only because this other man was a potential host…I knew instinctively that he cared because I did. And I, Samantha Carter, not Jolinar, was blown away by feelings for Martouf - feelings I could only begin to understand. For the first time since coming thorough the ‘gate and meeting Martouf, I felt something distinctly mine for him. Martouf felt my eyes on him and turned to meet my gaze. He took in the look in my eyes before I could compose myself and hide it and came to stand in front of me.
“Samantha?” His eyes asked a thousand questions as he reached down and took my hand.
“I uh…I think I’m beginning to understand…” I whispered.
***************************************************************************
Oh God, what was I thinking? Why would I even consider putting Dad through this? Colonel O’Neill looked at me like I was crazy when I decided to ask Dad to be a host to Selmak - maybe he’s right.
I meant what I said abut understanding things better now that I’ve talked to Martouf and me the other Tok’ra. I do wish I had understood better and hadn’t fought Jolinar every step of the way. I can only hope that this will be a positive experience for Dad. I know that I haven’t come to terms with being blended with Jolinar and with Jolinar sacrificing herself to save me. I know that I’m still sorting this all out - I meant it when I told Martouf that I still need time to make sense of everything. But I can not and WILL NOT sit idly by and let Dad die - not when I can save him! Maybe I’m just being selfish but I’m not ready to give him up yet, not when we’ve just started talking again. I know there’s a chance this won’t work. I know we may be captured by the Goa’uld and not make it out of here at all, but I had to do something!
As I brushed my hand against Dad’s cheek, I felt Martouf sit beside me. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and sighed. “Martouf, you shouldn’t have stayed. Now I’ve put your life at risk too.” I said, not taking my eyes off of my dad’s face. He looked so peaceful and I could only hope that Selmak was strong enough to help him…to help both of them.
“Samantha, I couldn’t have left you and your father here alone - not when I feel responsible for the well-being of both of you. Your father is here because we asked for a host for Selmak - it would be wrong to leave him now. And, I must admit, I had hoped to spend more time with you, to help you understand the Tok’ra and our ways better.”
I turned to look at Martouf, my eyes meeting his. “Thank you. I think I am starting to understand better. Hearing Sarouche talk to my dad helped too. It must be amazing to share all of that knowledge with someone, knowing that it’s being shared willingly. I think …well…um…see…I don’t know that I would have willingly blended with Jolinar then, but I’m beginning to understand why someone would want to be blended or even welcome the blending. I’m just not sure I want another…being, I guess…privy to everything that’s in my head, ya know?” I lowered my eyes and felt myself flush. “Some things, like intimacy, are just things I can’t bring myself to share as readily as Jolinar and Rosha were.”
“I understand how that can be uncomfortable for you, Samantha,” Martouf answered, catching my eyes again. His gaze became so intense that I had to look away, again dropping my eyes to my dad’s face. I sighed again, brushing my fingers along his forehead. I stood and walked to the doorway of the chamber, keeping my back to Martouf and my dad, impatiently brushing a tear from my cheek. I stood lost in thought for a moment, worrying about Dad. When I turned back, I saw Martouf still sitting, watching my father and Selmak with so much concern in his eyes that it made me gasp. This man in front of me took my breath away with the care he so openly displayed not only for his friend, but for someone he hardly even knew as well. And not only because this other man was a potential host…I knew instinctively that he cared because I did. And I, Samantha Carter, not Jolinar, was blown away by feelings for Martouf - feelings I could only begin to understand. For the first time since coming thorough the ‘gate and meeting Martouf, I felt something distinctly mine for him. Martouf felt my eyes on him and turned to meet my gaze. He took in the look in my eyes before I could compose myself and hide it and came to stand in front of me.
“Samantha?” His eyes asked a thousand questions as he reached down and took my hand.
“I uh…I think I’m beginning to understand…” I whispered.