ah, I love it. You have to suspend disbelief for the romanticalness, but at the end it makes sense.
Extremely well written and evocative, I love it.
I'm not sure what "maybe you just perceive change in your own mind" has to do with the hair dye, it's obviously supposed to be something deep, but I uhhhhhh am not getting it ~~
You have to suspend disbelief for the romanticalness, but at the end it makes sense.
I thought of about five ways to interpret that and I'm curious as to which one's right.
Sankyu!
Well, the way I thought of it was that her hair changed as he grew sicker (i.e. the change in your mind). The sun goes from high in the sky, to a pink dusk, to a dark purply-blue, to black. Since he meets her in his own head, the darkening of the sky leads to the night without morning.
oh, I didn't catch that part. i'll have to reread it, I suck at details. that's neat though.
what i meant with my comment was, the stuff she says to him isn't something a regular girl would say to someone, but it's cute and well-written so you're like "Okay hold on..." then at the end it's like "She was a dream trying to comfort him, not a real person."
I like how you don't say exactly what she is, only that she's like romance, and the little kid is death. It's cool.
Yay I love it! It's sweet and sad and wonderful. Great job! (Lol I can see the house influence though!)
My favorite line---> "I’m the one you will spend the rest of your life with." Gotta remember that pick-up line XD!
So okay here's what I got philosophically: The girl is life, the little boy at the end was death. The girl is always changing, her hair-color and mannerism shift slightly each time she is around, but the "I" character still always loves her. The boy never changes because death is always the same.
How'd I do? It's very fascinating actually, great job! Usually I don't care to disect stories this much. My only suggestion for a second draft would be to introduce the boy before the end, perhaps at the very beginning or in the hospital. I don't know I just think the symbolism would tie-in better that way.
I'm glad you liked it ^.^ (And here I thought I was being subtle about the Houseiness. It was worse xP)
^+^ Philosophy's what you make of it, love. I can't grade you on it. But yes, the girl represents loving life; and the boy is a soul-collector (a dead like me influence I guess ><).
You might have a point on the tie-in though. I was thinking about doing that with the beach scene but I thought it'd lose momentum so I left it out the time being. I'll think on that a little more.
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Extremely well written and evocative, I love it.
I'm not sure what "maybe you just perceive change in your own mind" has to do with the hair dye, it's obviously supposed to be something deep, but I uhhhhhh am not getting it ~~
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I thought of about five ways to interpret that and I'm curious as to which one's right.
Sankyu!
Well, the way I thought of it was that her hair changed as he grew sicker (i.e. the change in your mind). The sun goes from high in the sky, to a pink dusk, to a dark purply-blue, to black. Since he meets her in his own head, the darkening of the sky leads to the night without morning.
Or something like that ^.~
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what i meant with my comment was, the stuff she says to him isn't something a regular girl would say to someone, but it's cute and well-written so you're like "Okay hold on..." then at the end it's like "She was a dream trying to comfort him, not a real person."
I like how you don't say exactly what she is, only that she's like romance, and the little kid is death. It's cool.
Reply
My favorite line---> "I’m the one you will spend the rest of your life with." Gotta remember that pick-up line XD!
So okay here's what I got philosophically: The girl is life, the little boy at the end was death. The girl is always changing, her hair-color and mannerism shift slightly each time she is around, but the "I" character still always loves her. The boy never changes because death is always the same.
How'd I do? It's very fascinating actually, great job! Usually I don't care to disect stories this much. My only suggestion for a second draft would be to introduce the boy before the end, perhaps at the very beginning or in the hospital. I don't know I just think the symbolism would tie-in better that way.
Reply
^+^ Philosophy's what you make of it, love. I can't grade you on it. But yes, the girl represents loving life; and the boy is a soul-collector (a dead like me influence I guess ><).
You might have a point on the tie-in though. I was thinking about doing that with the beach scene but I thought it'd lose momentum so I left it out the time being. I'll think on that a little more.
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