Secrets Buried Inside
Silence. I was silent for 24 years. Thats a long time to keep such a heavy secret buried inside. When I was younger, part of me wanted to tell so badly, but the other parts told me to "shut up" and "be quite", I had already spilled the beans to my older brother, and so it just became a family secret. It was a family secret that got buried, and I never had intentions on digging it up and facing it.
But I was triggered to remember. I would have died with that secret buried inside of me. I mean, I had years of practice, pretending like I lived a normal life. I had years of practice responding "I'm good, my home life is good, I'm happy" that I almost convinced myself it was true. I had years of practice burying that secret, that never in my wildest dreams did I think it would ever surface. But it did. And once it did, I had no choice but to deal with it face to face. I had to face the secret. I had to take all the pain and anger that I pushed away for so many years, and all my emotions that I had stored on the inside revolving around what happened to me, had to be faced. And its been the most difficult, worst, experience of my life. Facing that secret and unburying what I worked so hard to hide beneath the layers of my existence has been...no words. No words can really describe how my heart broke in so many pieces. No words can describe how dark my world really became. To face that the two people in my life who were supposed to care, and protect me from the bad in the world were the two people who exposed me to the most cruel and inhuman actions that I believe a human can commit...its...unjustifiable and unforgivable the pain that they have really caused me.
I was supposed to be normal. I grew up in suburban small town. I had the "picture perfect" family. But what people didn't know that in order to survive, I had to block out the bad that happened, behind closed doors, in my childhood home, with the white picket fence surrounding it, and the dog running around the yard. Nobody ever would have guessed it. My parents, both psychologists, one well known. Nobody would have looked and guessed what hell they put me through, what they not only chose to do, but that my older brother, who knew about it, and stopped the bad from happening, they chose to ignore the effects that had on him.
I wouldn't say him and I are broken adults. Because were not. He is a successful businessman. And I've struggled all my life, but am doing okay. I know my brother holds a lot inside of him. Just from the look in his eyes when I do see him, I can tell, hes holding so much pain and hurt inside of him. I would do anything in the world to take his pain away, to tell him that everything was going to be okay, just like he did when I was little. I think hes mourning the loss of his childhood, just like I am. We don't talk much, I think right now, as we mourn the loss of what we didn't have, its easier to not talk. But I hope one day, he does want to talk. Because I could talk to him forever about what my life really was like. And I would tell him that the only reason I survived was because of him.
And for the first time, I realized, I survived...thats what I am...I am a adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse...
...and this...this is my journal...
But I was triggered to remember. I would have died with that secret buried inside of me. I mean, I had years of practice, pretending like I lived a normal life. I had years of practice responding "I'm good, my home life is good, I'm happy" that I almost convinced myself it was true. I had years of practice burying that secret, that never in my wildest dreams did I think it would ever surface. But it did. And once it did, I had no choice but to deal with it face to face. I had to face the secret. I had to take all the pain and anger that I pushed away for so many years, and all my emotions that I had stored on the inside revolving around what happened to me, had to be faced. And its been the most difficult, worst, experience of my life. Facing that secret and unburying what I worked so hard to hide beneath the layers of my existence has been...no words. No words can really describe how my heart broke in so many pieces. No words can describe how dark my world really became. To face that the two people in my life who were supposed to care, and protect me from the bad in the world were the two people who exposed me to the most cruel and inhuman actions that I believe a human can commit...its...unjustifiable and unforgivable the pain that they have really caused me.
I was supposed to be normal. I grew up in suburban small town. I had the "picture perfect" family. But what people didn't know that in order to survive, I had to block out the bad that happened, behind closed doors, in my childhood home, with the white picket fence surrounding it, and the dog running around the yard. Nobody ever would have guessed it. My parents, both psychologists, one well known. Nobody would have looked and guessed what hell they put me through, what they not only chose to do, but that my older brother, who knew about it, and stopped the bad from happening, they chose to ignore the effects that had on him.
I wouldn't say him and I are broken adults. Because were not. He is a successful businessman. And I've struggled all my life, but am doing okay. I know my brother holds a lot inside of him. Just from the look in his eyes when I do see him, I can tell, hes holding so much pain and hurt inside of him. I would do anything in the world to take his pain away, to tell him that everything was going to be okay, just like he did when I was little. I think hes mourning the loss of his childhood, just like I am. We don't talk much, I think right now, as we mourn the loss of what we didn't have, its easier to not talk. But I hope one day, he does want to talk. Because I could talk to him forever about what my life really was like. And I would tell him that the only reason I survived was because of him.
And for the first time, I realized, I survived...thats what I am...I am a adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse...
...and this...this is my journal...