muses_w_remotes | 2.8. The Notebook
8. "'Cause I might know you a little better than you think. And I don't want you waking up one morning thinking if you'd known everything you might have done something different."
| The Notebook
Co-written with Dr Tara Brennan-Campbell (doctortara)
[Follows THIS in pullmysteth's NEEDLESTICK PLOT]
Tara placed her keys on the table in the hall and dropped her handbag onto the floor. When she appeared in the doorway of the living room, she brushed some tears off her cheeks with the tips of her fingers. “Lachie, we need to talk about Riley,” she murmured. “It’s really important.”
Lachlan was off the sofa and rounding it to sweep her into his arms before she finished her sentence. “What happened?” he asked in concern. “Did he get angry at you? Did he shout at you? Are you okay? Is he?” He led her back to the sofa and pulled her down beside him, his arms still curled protectively around her as he wiped some of the dampness away with his thumb.
“No, nothing like that,” Tara said in a small voice. She looked down at her hands in her lap. “And no, he’s not okay, Lachie. That’s what I need to talk to you about.”
Lachlan’s eyes remained on her face, trying to read from her expressions what she had to say without her verbalising them. Whatever it was, it was upsetting her and he wanted to take that away. “What’s going on?”
Tara drew a small, shaky breath and let it out again. “It wasn’t an accident. The cut. At least, not at the essence of it. The part he told you was true. He did take the pills and the scissors to the bathroom to try and get the bottle open, but by that point, he’d just about hit breaking point. He was there alone, he was scared, he was in pain… he wanted it all to stop. The pain, the thoughts, the fear. I think he just faltered for a moment, cut himself and then realised what he’d done. But by that point the shock kicked in and he just broke down. At least, that’s what I can glean from what he told me…” She blinked back some tears and met her husband’s eyes. “It was you. I could see you in his eyes, Lachie.”
Lachlan had been staring at the carpet in front of him, trying to piece together some sort of reasoning in the shocking revelation that Riley had tried to kill himself, no matter how brief. But when she uttered those last words, his eyes snapped up to her and something that could’ve been a mix of guilt, helplessness and shame surged through him. “T-That’s how you realised?” he asked hoarsely.
Tara nodded slightly. “But only because I didn’t know how to help him,” she said, getting upset all over again. “When he denied it, there was something behind his words that just rung those familiar warning bells in my head. When I started to coax it out of him, I just knew. I don’t know exactly know how. I just knew that look. The same look you got when you finally reached your breaking point and just about gave up. If you hadn’t have found him, Lachie…” She stopped, pressing her face into his arm as she fought not to burst into another wave of tears much alike what she had just fought off in the cab back home from the hospital.
“I did,” Lachie said immediately and kissed her head. “I did find him. That’s all that matters. Now we just… need to decide what to do. When I spoke to him, he didnae want Beth or Tab to know anything about the accident.”
Tara shook her head. “He still doesn’t. He especially doesn’t want them to know what he tried to do. I had to convince him that I needed to tell you. He hates himself for it. He’s just filled with shame over it. He thought you would be disappointed that he didn’t have the strength you do…”
“Fuck,” Lachlan cursed and pushed his hand through his hair. “I didnae have strength! I fucking begged my doctor to drug me and end it!” He felt Tara wince beside him and he closed his eyes briefly. “I’m sorry, darlin’. I didnae mean to dredge up that shit. I’m just frustrated. I dinnae know what to do to help him, either. Here…” He pulled her back into his arms and sat back, cradling her against him.
Tara was quiet at first, making no effort to hide the fact she was clinging to her husband and drawing on his warmth to try and seek comfort in it. “You need to talk to him about your bad times. He just sees you now and how much you’ve come through to still be strong and positive. He can’t see any positive. He needs to know that feeling like this isn’t a crime and feeling like this isn’t something to be ashamed of. He does, you know? He doesn’t know how he should be feeling. He just knows he doesn’t want to hurt anyone with it. He’s like you, goddamnit!” she snapped and put her hand over her face, frustration bubbling up inside. “And you wouldn’t listen! Way back then, you forgot how to be okay. All you saw was the pain and I didn’t know how to help you! I did everything I could to try and you just kept getting sicker! I couldn’t help you. How am I supposed to help Riley?”
Lachlan didn’t think it was possible for his heart to break any more that it already was, but he was wrong. With every word about own experience and Tara trying to deal with it was like a cold hand gripping in his chest. He just held her, his breath becoming a little rough as he tried to wade his way through his own guilt for a solution. “I-I dinnae know…” he finally said. And he didn’t. He had no solutions. He couldn’t seem to separate his own pain to find a way to help his friend. It was all still so fresh in his mind and to know Riley was slipping down the same path cut so deep inside him that he was left feeling like he’d failed his friend.
Tara took his hand and gripped it, drawing his attention to her. “You’re amazing,” she told him softly. “And I know what you’re thinking. You can’t stop your own hurting to help him, sweetheart. You just can’t switch it off like a tap. But you can use it to help him. Talk to him about it and how you dealt with it. And we’ll just… be there for him. There is nothing else we can do, Lachie. Trust me, there just isn’t.” Her forehead creased as she tried to fight the tears, but it was useless. “You have to watch him hurt before you can help him.”
“Fuck,” Lachlan whispered and embraced her like his life depended on it, pressing his face into her shoulder and trying to shove away his own turmoil. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Tara rubbed his back and kissed his head. “Don’t do this, Lachie. No more sorries. No more apologies for things that aren’t your fault. We’re here. You’re alive. You’re breathing, your heart is beating. That’s all that matters.” She cleared her throat. “Let’s try and come up with a plan, okay? Riley doesn’t want Tab and Beth to know and I don’t think it’s our place to tell them. But they need to know he’s in hospital. We’ll tell them it was an accident; that he cut himself on a broken glass or something. Then the ball is in Riley’s court. He needs to call the shots or he’ll shut down on us and we can’t help him if he doesn’t want it.”
“I cannae just lie to them about something like this,” Lachlan whimpered helplessly. “I feel sick just thinking about it.”
Tara closed her eyes and squeezed him a little tighter. “They only alternative is to tell them to truth, Lachie, and Riley could end up hating you for it. Do you want Riley to hate you, or do you want Tab and Beth to?”
Lachlan pulled back and slammed his hand down on the arm of the sofa. “Fucking hell!” he swore in frustration and then put his head down in his hands.
“Do you know what I would’ve done if we reached that twelve weeks with you on life support?” Tara asked in a tiny voice, wringing her hands in her lap. “I would’ve sat back and watched them switch it off because it’s what you wanted. Sometimes we just have to do things that kill us inside, but we just do it because it’s right. We do it because we love them.” The last words caught up in her throat around a sob and she folded in on herself, hugging her arms against her chest.
“Shit,” Lachlan murmured and moved to kneel in front of his wife. He took her hands and kissed her palms, then wrapped his arms securely around her again. “I love you,” he whispered. He somehow had to try and make this all okay, even if trying never seemed to be enough.
(Riley Browne [pullmysteth], Beth Anderson [phtgrphcscot] and Tabitha Browne [asinthecity] referenced with permission)
Word Count | 1,512
| The Notebook
Co-written with Dr Tara Brennan-Campbell (doctortara)
[Follows THIS in pullmysteth's NEEDLESTICK PLOT]
Tara placed her keys on the table in the hall and dropped her handbag onto the floor. When she appeared in the doorway of the living room, she brushed some tears off her cheeks with the tips of her fingers. “Lachie, we need to talk about Riley,” she murmured. “It’s really important.”
Lachlan was off the sofa and rounding it to sweep her into his arms before she finished her sentence. “What happened?” he asked in concern. “Did he get angry at you? Did he shout at you? Are you okay? Is he?” He led her back to the sofa and pulled her down beside him, his arms still curled protectively around her as he wiped some of the dampness away with his thumb.
“No, nothing like that,” Tara said in a small voice. She looked down at her hands in her lap. “And no, he’s not okay, Lachie. That’s what I need to talk to you about.”
Lachlan’s eyes remained on her face, trying to read from her expressions what she had to say without her verbalising them. Whatever it was, it was upsetting her and he wanted to take that away. “What’s going on?”
Tara drew a small, shaky breath and let it out again. “It wasn’t an accident. The cut. At least, not at the essence of it. The part he told you was true. He did take the pills and the scissors to the bathroom to try and get the bottle open, but by that point, he’d just about hit breaking point. He was there alone, he was scared, he was in pain… he wanted it all to stop. The pain, the thoughts, the fear. I think he just faltered for a moment, cut himself and then realised what he’d done. But by that point the shock kicked in and he just broke down. At least, that’s what I can glean from what he told me…” She blinked back some tears and met her husband’s eyes. “It was you. I could see you in his eyes, Lachie.”
Lachlan had been staring at the carpet in front of him, trying to piece together some sort of reasoning in the shocking revelation that Riley had tried to kill himself, no matter how brief. But when she uttered those last words, his eyes snapped up to her and something that could’ve been a mix of guilt, helplessness and shame surged through him. “T-That’s how you realised?” he asked hoarsely.
Tara nodded slightly. “But only because I didn’t know how to help him,” she said, getting upset all over again. “When he denied it, there was something behind his words that just rung those familiar warning bells in my head. When I started to coax it out of him, I just knew. I don’t know exactly know how. I just knew that look. The same look you got when you finally reached your breaking point and just about gave up. If you hadn’t have found him, Lachie…” She stopped, pressing her face into his arm as she fought not to burst into another wave of tears much alike what she had just fought off in the cab back home from the hospital.
“I did,” Lachie said immediately and kissed her head. “I did find him. That’s all that matters. Now we just… need to decide what to do. When I spoke to him, he didnae want Beth or Tab to know anything about the accident.”
Tara shook her head. “He still doesn’t. He especially doesn’t want them to know what he tried to do. I had to convince him that I needed to tell you. He hates himself for it. He’s just filled with shame over it. He thought you would be disappointed that he didn’t have the strength you do…”
“Fuck,” Lachlan cursed and pushed his hand through his hair. “I didnae have strength! I fucking begged my doctor to drug me and end it!” He felt Tara wince beside him and he closed his eyes briefly. “I’m sorry, darlin’. I didnae mean to dredge up that shit. I’m just frustrated. I dinnae know what to do to help him, either. Here…” He pulled her back into his arms and sat back, cradling her against him.
Tara was quiet at first, making no effort to hide the fact she was clinging to her husband and drawing on his warmth to try and seek comfort in it. “You need to talk to him about your bad times. He just sees you now and how much you’ve come through to still be strong and positive. He can’t see any positive. He needs to know that feeling like this isn’t a crime and feeling like this isn’t something to be ashamed of. He does, you know? He doesn’t know how he should be feeling. He just knows he doesn’t want to hurt anyone with it. He’s like you, goddamnit!” she snapped and put her hand over her face, frustration bubbling up inside. “And you wouldn’t listen! Way back then, you forgot how to be okay. All you saw was the pain and I didn’t know how to help you! I did everything I could to try and you just kept getting sicker! I couldn’t help you. How am I supposed to help Riley?”
Lachlan didn’t think it was possible for his heart to break any more that it already was, but he was wrong. With every word about own experience and Tara trying to deal with it was like a cold hand gripping in his chest. He just held her, his breath becoming a little rough as he tried to wade his way through his own guilt for a solution. “I-I dinnae know…” he finally said. And he didn’t. He had no solutions. He couldn’t seem to separate his own pain to find a way to help his friend. It was all still so fresh in his mind and to know Riley was slipping down the same path cut so deep inside him that he was left feeling like he’d failed his friend.
Tara took his hand and gripped it, drawing his attention to her. “You’re amazing,” she told him softly. “And I know what you’re thinking. You can’t stop your own hurting to help him, sweetheart. You just can’t switch it off like a tap. But you can use it to help him. Talk to him about it and how you dealt with it. And we’ll just… be there for him. There is nothing else we can do, Lachie. Trust me, there just isn’t.” Her forehead creased as she tried to fight the tears, but it was useless. “You have to watch him hurt before you can help him.”
“Fuck,” Lachlan whispered and embraced her like his life depended on it, pressing his face into her shoulder and trying to shove away his own turmoil. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Tara rubbed his back and kissed his head. “Don’t do this, Lachie. No more sorries. No more apologies for things that aren’t your fault. We’re here. You’re alive. You’re breathing, your heart is beating. That’s all that matters.” She cleared her throat. “Let’s try and come up with a plan, okay? Riley doesn’t want Tab and Beth to know and I don’t think it’s our place to tell them. But they need to know he’s in hospital. We’ll tell them it was an accident; that he cut himself on a broken glass or something. Then the ball is in Riley’s court. He needs to call the shots or he’ll shut down on us and we can’t help him if he doesn’t want it.”
“I cannae just lie to them about something like this,” Lachlan whimpered helplessly. “I feel sick just thinking about it.”
Tara closed her eyes and squeezed him a little tighter. “They only alternative is to tell them to truth, Lachie, and Riley could end up hating you for it. Do you want Riley to hate you, or do you want Tab and Beth to?”
Lachlan pulled back and slammed his hand down on the arm of the sofa. “Fucking hell!” he swore in frustration and then put his head down in his hands.
“Do you know what I would’ve done if we reached that twelve weeks with you on life support?” Tara asked in a tiny voice, wringing her hands in her lap. “I would’ve sat back and watched them switch it off because it’s what you wanted. Sometimes we just have to do things that kill us inside, but we just do it because it’s right. We do it because we love them.” The last words caught up in her throat around a sob and she folded in on herself, hugging her arms against her chest.
“Shit,” Lachlan murmured and moved to kneel in front of his wife. He took her hands and kissed her palms, then wrapped his arms securely around her again. “I love you,” he whispered. He somehow had to try and make this all okay, even if trying never seemed to be enough.
(Riley Browne [pullmysteth], Beth Anderson [phtgrphcscot] and Tabitha Browne [asinthecity] referenced with permission)
Word Count | 1,512