fic: everybody's pickin' up on that feline beat
Title: Everybody's Pickin' Up on That Feline Beat
Rating: PG-13
Length: 4,000ish
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Sam
Summary: Their kids want a kitten, and it's not like either of them can actually say no.
Author's Note: Written for Santana drabble meme photo prompt by smc_27 here. Also see this picture for additional inspiration.
It’s an obvious ambush as soon as Santana walks in the front door and sees the look on her daughter Lily’s face. It’s the same look Rachel gives her when she wants something and has a whole convincing spiel prepared.
It’s the look that’s resulted in more than a few life changes - Santana moving in with Rachel, heading out to LA, their second child, and most recently, Sam Evans residing in the apartment above their garage.
The fact that a kindergartner has already mastered the look does not bode well for Santana’s future.
“Hi Mama!” Lily rocks back and forth on her heels, hands clutched tightly together in front of herself. “May I please speak to you about something?”
It’s such a adult way to ask, but Rachel had insisted on teaching their children that they were always available to talk. And that apparently also meant teaching them to ask like they were ten years older than they were.
“Yes you may,” Santana says as she throws her purse and keys on the entryway table.
“I got a chair for you,” Lily gestures to one of the dining room chairs that has been dragged into their living room.
Santana stifles a smirk. Appearance wasn’t the only thing Lily got from her wife. The little girl has surely heard Rachel say maybe we should sit down when her moms are discussing things.
“I’m five and a half now and I’m ready for some...” Lily furrows her brow while she thinks, “Responsibility.” She finishes with a triumphant grin.
“Oh, you’re ready?” Santana says as seriously as she can manage.
“I am. I do all my chores,” Lily holds up a pink poster board that usually hangs on the wall. “See I haven’t missed a single star sticker on my chore chart for two whole months.”
Santana nods and Lily continues, “I help take care of my little brother and I got all excellents on my first report card - except art but that’s ‘cause the teacher gives everyone a satisfactory for art.”
It’s true. Lily had cried at the lone S because it was a subject she had tried so hard in. Santana had needed to call the teacher who gently explained that everyone received S’s for art in kindergarten.
Already competitive, Lily didn’t like it, but she accepted it.
“You’re getting to be a very big girl,” Santana agrees. Lily puffs out her chest in pride.
“So Nathan and I have a question,” Lily turns expectantly towards the doorway. When nothing happens, she dramatically clears her voice and repeats, “I said, Nathan and I have a question.”
Lily sticks her head into the adjacent room and whispers loudly, “Nathan! You’re supposed to come in when I say your name!”
Lily reappears, beaming smile on her face, when her nearly three-year-old little brother rounds the corner. There’s a kitten tucked under his chin and he’s smiling sweetly at her.
“Can we keep him? Please, Mama?” Nathan asks in his tiny voice. He pulls the kitten closer, his little hands under its front legs, while the back ones dangle back and forth. It’s a sight too adorable for words.
Surprisingly, the cat is either oblivious to or likes Nathan’s manhandling.
One look at Lily, and it’s clear her daughter thinks she has it in the bag. It’s probably a valid assumption, but Santana’s not going to cave that easily.
“Have you talked to Mommy about this?” Santana asks.
Both children nod vigorously. “We did Mama. We did. She said we have to ask you,” Lily says.
“Of course she did,” Santana mutters under her breath. “Mama has to think about it and talk to Mommy, alright? Getting a pet is a grown-up decision.”
“Ok,” Lily and Nathan respond very solemnly. Anytime the grownup decision card gets played they’ve learned not to push too hard.
“And give me Mr. Cat. You guys know the rules. No cats in the house. He needs to go back to Sammy,” Santana now uses the name the kids have for Sam after several uses of Uncle Sam turned into one too many jokes.
“His name is Thor not Mr. Cat,” Nathan hands him over reluctantly with a look so forlorn that Santana is certain there is no way she’s getting out of this.
//
“Babe, did you tell the kids they needed to talk to me about keeping a kitten?” Santana asks, finding Rachel in the kitchen having just put dinner in the oven.
“Maybe?” Rachel offers sheepishly. “I know cats aren’t your favorite, but did you see Nathan with the little guy though? They even kinda match with the blonde hair and the light fur. How was I supposed to say no to that?”
“I did, and I get it. Our boy should be on a humane society add. Kittens would be adopted in droves,” Santana says.
“Mm-humm,” Rachel hums.
“I know that it’s a good chance for them to learn how to take care of a pet, but you realize this is going to be more work for us than it is for them, right?”
“Mm-hm,” Rachel answers again.
Shit. Now Rachel’s doing that thing where she just lets Santana talk herself into the decision Rachel already wants them to make. And like the cat can sense she’s a hard sell, he starts nuzzling her chest at that very moment. Santana can only sigh in resignation.
“Aww and he likes you. And he’s sweet with Nathan,” Rachel says. “And that was my real hesitation with getting a pet. That Nathan would be too rough or that the animal wouldn’t do well with him at this age.”
“Fine we’ll keep him. But you’re the one who’s on kitty litter duty until the kids take over,” Santana says.
“Works for me,” Rachel says and gives a her a kiss and a self-satisfied smirk. “Where are you going?”
“To return this cat for the time being and give Sam a piece of my mind.”
“Just don’t beat him up, babe. Oh, and can you invite him for dinner too?” Rachel asks.
“So we can reward him for pawning off a cat on us? Which we specifically told him never to do,” Santana says.
“No, so he doesn’t eat a hot pocket and Doritos for dinner again,” Rachel says. “I don’t know how he expects to get a girl if he doesn’t eat like an adult.”
“He should have no problem getting a girl. He’s an effing elementary school teacher. He works at like a breeding ground for girls looking for a husband,” Santana scoffs.
//
Santana cuts through the laundry room to the stairwell that leads to Sam’s little apartment and checks to make sure the kids are out of earshot before she yells, “Sam Evans! Your sorry ass better be up there!”
The kitten doesn’t appreciate the shouting and digs his little claws into her arms. “Ow, you little shit-head.”
Santana pulls the cat away from herself, but somehow can’t manage to stay angry with it. The thing is disgustingly cute.
“What happened this time?” Sam asks when she burst through the door. He’s come to expect that he’s the honorary scapegoat.
“This happened,” Santana thrusts the kitten back at him.
“Good you found Thor! Nathan would have been devastated if he ran away,” Sam said.
“Oh, he didn’t run away. More like he was kidnapped by two kitten crazy children of mine. Care to explain how that...” Santana trails off when she notices there are way more of the little things running around the room.
“Sam? Why are there like ten kittens running around in here? I thought your two were fixed!”
“They are! These were found by my students outside at recess. The mom had been hit by a car, and somebody had to take care of them,” Sam says.
“You didn’t think it was worth mentioning that you were bringing home a whole litter of kittens?” Santana asks.
“I did,” Sam says. “I called Rachel yesterday to make sure it was alright... She didn’t tell you.”
In Rachel’s defense, Santana had gotten home late and pretty much only showered and collapsed in bed. Come to think of it, Rachel may have tried to tell her something about kittens when she wrapped her body around Santana’s, but Santana was too tired and comfortable in her wife’s arms to care.
“They aren’t staying here forever,” Santana makes sure it isn’t a question even though she’s reasonably certain that Rachel wouldn’t agree to that.
“No, no, no,” Sam is quick to reassure. “I would have taken them to the shelter or something, but one of my students had recently seen All Dogs Go to Heaven or something and was worried about them getting killed at the pound. Last thing I needed was a bunch of crying third-graders.”
You could’ve lied, Santana thinks but doesn’t share that with Sam. “So what’s the plan?”
“I take care of them for two more weeks tops, and then they’re going to be adopted by kids at the school. I already have something setup with the shelter I volunteer at to make sure they have shots and get fixed,” Sam says.
“Good,” Santana says. “Just make sure no one gets Thor there. He’s going to become a Lopez.”
“Really?” Sam asks and Santana nods not bothering to hide her rueful expression.
“That so great you’re letting the kids have a pet! And you’ll really like Thor. He’s one of the most easygoing kittens ever and is very attached to Nathan and Lily. Not your stereotypical cat,” Sam gushes enthusiastically.
“You’re lucky the kids love you,” Santana deadpans before she leaves.
“Yeah, but you love me too. Don’t try to deny it.” Sam laughs.
“I won’t. But my love isn’t what’s stopping me from hitting you,” Santana comes back with.
“Alrighty then. So I’m watching the kids after dinner I take it?” Sam asks. It one of the biggest perks of having him essentially living with them - instant babysitter when she wants some quality time with Rachel
“You bet you are. Just don’t think you can make up for this that easily,” Santana says.
//
The kids are particularly antsy at dinner. Neither have done more than slide their food around. Lily keeps on opening her mouth to ask a question and then shutting it in a dramatic show of restraint. And Nathan is wiggling so much that Rachel has to keep sliding him back into his booster seat.
After Rachel secures him the third time she levels Santana with a gaze that pretty much demands she tells the kids their decision on the cat. Sam, as usual, does a terrible job of laughing discreetly at the exchange.
“If I let you guys know we’re keeping the cat will you finally eat your dinner?” Santana says and two forks clatter against their plates.
“Really? We get to keep him?” Lily asks and the excited look on her face is worth whatever amount of work the animal ends up being.
“Yes, really. But you two will have to be the ones to take care of him. He will be your responsibility that Mommy and I will help with,” Santana says.
“Thank you, Mama. Thank you, Mommy,” their little voices echo over each other excitedly.
“Mama, did you meet the Avengers?” Nathan asks as if the exciting thought just occurred to him.
“Who?” Santana looks to Rachel who shrugs.
“Thor’s brothers and sisters,” Lily says.
“We named the kittens after the Avengers,” Sam explains. “Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow and because we’re using original members from the comics and not just the movie, Ant-Man and Wasp.”
“Don’t forget Barbara!” Lily says and Santana turns to Rachel.
“Don’t look at me,” Rachel holds her hands up. “Although I do very much approve of the name.”
“Between the comics and the musical theater, it’s a good thing they have me to survive middle school,” Santana says.
“Actually all the names are comic book nerdy,” Sam says. “Barbara Gordon is the kitten’s full name.”
“Batgirl’s my favorite!” Lily chimes in and her mothers laugh loudly.
They should have known. Last Halloween Lily had insisted on going as ballerina-Batgirl. The costume consisted of a red wig, a Batman mask, and a pink tutu.
“When can Thor come live with us?” Nathan asks.
“We have to go buy stuff for him first,” Rachel says and turns to Santana. “I’m not shooting tomorrow, and you have the afternoon free, right?”
“Yeah, that should work,” Santana agrees.
“Can Sammy come too?” Lily claps her hands together.
“Of course. We can’t leave our cat expert at home. How will we know what to buy?” Rachel says and gives Sam a high five.
Santana shakes her head. It isn’t just the children who set her up.
//
The next day The Fam Plus Sam (Rachel’s name for them, much to Sam’s delight and Santana’s amusement) head out to what Santana can only assume is a Wal-Mart for pets the store’s so big.
They’re all in their hybrid SUV that Santana’s always found a little oxymoronic. Once they pile out, Nathan asks to ride on Sam’s shoulders.
Sam gives a quick glance to her and Rachel, and she gives a nod of assent before he scoops up her boy and places him behind his head.
With his out of place shaggy blonde hair, it’s easy for people to assume that Nathan is Sam’s. And there’s no denying that Lily is a carbon copy of Rachel, often leaving Santana the odd man out. She used to have more of a problem with it on their Fam Plus Sam outings, until one particularly rude encounter at the park.
Santana had been playing with the kids in the sandbox (Lily had used the puppy dog eyes. No way she’d get covered in sand otherwise), when she heard shouting coming from the benches.
Apparently a dad had alluded to Santana being the nanny, and Rachel and Sam both flipped their shit. She’s never seen the two of them look more intimidating - Rachel lecturing the man on stereotyping and Sam ranting, fists clenched, that if he ever hears someone insult the beautiful family he has the privilege of being friends with he’ll hurt someone.
Rachel then had chimed in about although not condoning violence she would make an exception if Sam wanted to cause him bodily harm.
She still hasn’t gotten over how surreal it was that despite being really proud of them, she had to be the calm one. That somehow she ended up having to talk them down, when she frequently wonders how two of the nicest, most earnest people manage to put up with her on a day to day basis. (Ok she knows why Rachel does - her wife totally gets off on her snark and also orgasms, duh).
But yeah, knowing that Sam would fight just as hard for her family as she would makes any assumptions about him that much easier to take. And honestly, at this point, he’s kinda part of the family.
They get all the normal essentials first - food that’s been approved by scientists or some shit, kitty litter, and fancy litter box - before they look for some of the more fun items.
They limit the kids to two cat toys apiece, but it’s the large kitty condo that they really have their sights on. It’s unnecessarily large, and therefore expensive, and will probably take up as much space in the family room as their rocking chair.
They can certainly afford it, but they also try to do their best at not spoiling the children with their impressive income. Rachel can probably read the hesitation on her face.
“It’s for the cat. It’s not really the same as spoiling them,” Rachel says even though it totally is the same. But Santana figures they might was well go all out at this point.
“Alright muscles,” Santana says to Sam. “Put that giant thing in our cart.”
Nathan must think he’s the muscles of the family because he insists on helping Sam by gripping tightly to the base of the monstrosity.
The kids have a hard time agreeing on a cat bed, so Santana and Sam take Nathan to another aisle to pick out the collar while Rachel and Lily pick out a bed. Hopefully the arrangement won’t end with them going home with the fluffy pink bed.
It takes them awhile to decide on the perfect collar, so Rachel checks that’s Nathan’s certain with his decision when he comes skipping back with his choice clutched tightly in his fist. Santana doesn’t blame her. Like most two-and-a-half-year-olds he can be a little fickle.
“I’m sure,” Nathan nods emphatically. Nothing half-hearted in this family.
“Red because it’s his favorite, and stars because it’s mommy’s favorite,” Santana explains. Yeah, her little guy is already the biggest sweetheart. Probably gets it from Rachel.
So after nearly forty minutes of shopping, they have everything a kitten could ever want or need and can finally pay.
“You have a really adorable family,” the checkout girl tells Sam when Lily makes her laugh with her rambling about how they just got a kitten. As if the girl couldn’t tell from the large haul she’s currently scanning.
“I’m just an honorary member,” Sam clarifies easily and holds up an empty hand to show his lack of ring. “Can’t claim either of the two little trouble makers as my own.”
“Oh,” the girl makes a quick glance to Santana and Rachel’s linked hands. “Sorry I... I didn’t mean to assume. They’re beautiful.”
Santana can tell the girl’s sincere and a little embarrassed that she jumped to conclusions. But Rachel comes to her aid and smoothes thing over with a simple, “Thank you, we think so too. And we really do need to get him a proud uncle shirt or something to wear when we go out. Probably would help let girls know you’re available, Sam.”
Santana never Can get Rachel to reign in her matchmaking tendencies. Sam blushes and she bumps Rachel’s hip with her own in admonishment.
The checkout girl is blushing too when Santana looks up to see her exchange a small smile with Sam.
“If you need help with anything else in the future just ask for Elise,” she adds shyly and hands over the last of their bags.
“I might have to do that. This kitten is the first of a litter that I’m trying to help adopt off,” Sam says, and Santana’s fairly certain Elise swoons at the thought of Sam helping rescue kittens.
And before they have to witness any more painful attempts at flirting, Nathan breaks the moment with a wave and a shrill, “Bye!”
“Bye,” Lily echoes. “We’ll be back when Thor needs more food.”
They make it to the parking lot before a very smug Rachel leans against her and says, “I have a feeling you and I will not be the ones making the cat food run.”
//
Having a cat isn’t all that bad, mainly because Thor has this adorable personality. He rushes to greet people at the door when he hears the jingle of keys, sits in the box while they play board games, and insists on being in someone’s lap for movie night.
It’s like Sam sent the little thing off to dog lessons instead of cat ones.
But evidently Santana should have been clearer when making deals about the cat with Rachel. Getting out of kitty litter duty meant every hacked up hairball was hers. Thor’s New Year’s resolution is going to be to only throw up on the tile.
And that nice cat bed her family had insisted they buy? Total waste. Thor spends every night parked in between Lily and Nathan’s doors.
“It’s sweet,” Rachel says. “He thinks he’s their guard cat - makes sure they get back from bathroom safely.”
Thor becomes kinda a celebrity himself after Santana mentions him on one of her semi-regular appearances on Craig Ferguson. Ferguson finds the story hilarious, and suddenly neither she nor Rachel can do an interview without the cat being mentioned.
Ferguson makes it a regular bit when she comes on, and when Rachel does Live with Kelly while she’s in New York for a Broadway charity event she only gets to perform one song because she and Kelly get so off topic talking about kids and pets.
“You won’t believe what our children were playing when I got home,” Rachel says one night as she slides behind Santana and begins to knead the knots out of her shoulders.
“What?” Santana’s head lolls forward and her glasses slip off her face.
Rachel laughs, no doubt at her ability to render her wife a pile of mush. “They were Thor’s PR team. Lily was his publicist and Nathan was the assistant.”
“God, what have we done to our kids?” Santana half groans half chuckles as she leans back against Rachel. “I guess we should be thankful it wasn’t either of them who needed the PR team.”
“Small victories,” Rachel agrees.
//
When Santana was in high school and even some of college, she thought love was all about finding that one person who accepted you exactly as you were - that would look past all her faults and always affirm her. And maybe that’s what she needed then, but it isn’t what she has with Rachel.
Sure Rachel loves her in spite of (and sometime because of) her faults, and vice versa, but that doesn’t mean they blindingly accept them. She has a wife who challenges her to be better. Who makes her get a cat because it makes their children happy. Who doesn’t let her always use sarcasm and insults as her form of affection, but also smiles when Santana deadpans “shut up” to a sappy ramble that has her tearing up.
Santana never thought she would be one to live the stereotypical American dream - get married, own a house, have 2.5 kids and dog; but she realizes she’s come close. (Two kids and a Sammy that lives above the garage to rounds the child number to 2.5, right?). Even more surprising is how damn happy it makes her.
She says as much to Rachel one night.
“You think our marriage is stereotypical?” Rachel gasps. Leave it to her wife to find a problem at Santana’s contentment with domesticity.
“Never, babe,” Santana leans over and kisses away Rachel’s scowl until her wife is giggling beneath her.
Being married to Rachel is anything but the norm. It’s drama at home and on both the big and small screens. And with two kids and cat that doesn’t even let them have alone time when they ship the kids off to Mike and his wife’s things are always at least a bit crazy. But she knew that was how it was going to be after the first date with Rachel. Because really, it couldn’t be any other way.
Rating: PG-13
Length: 4,000ish
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Sam
Summary: Their kids want a kitten, and it's not like either of them can actually say no.
Author's Note: Written for Santana drabble meme photo prompt by smc_27 here. Also see this picture for additional inspiration.
It’s an obvious ambush as soon as Santana walks in the front door and sees the look on her daughter Lily’s face. It’s the same look Rachel gives her when she wants something and has a whole convincing spiel prepared.
It’s the look that’s resulted in more than a few life changes - Santana moving in with Rachel, heading out to LA, their second child, and most recently, Sam Evans residing in the apartment above their garage.
The fact that a kindergartner has already mastered the look does not bode well for Santana’s future.
“Hi Mama!” Lily rocks back and forth on her heels, hands clutched tightly together in front of herself. “May I please speak to you about something?”
It’s such a adult way to ask, but Rachel had insisted on teaching their children that they were always available to talk. And that apparently also meant teaching them to ask like they were ten years older than they were.
“Yes you may,” Santana says as she throws her purse and keys on the entryway table.
“I got a chair for you,” Lily gestures to one of the dining room chairs that has been dragged into their living room.
Santana stifles a smirk. Appearance wasn’t the only thing Lily got from her wife. The little girl has surely heard Rachel say maybe we should sit down when her moms are discussing things.
“I’m five and a half now and I’m ready for some...” Lily furrows her brow while she thinks, “Responsibility.” She finishes with a triumphant grin.
“Oh, you’re ready?” Santana says as seriously as she can manage.
“I am. I do all my chores,” Lily holds up a pink poster board that usually hangs on the wall. “See I haven’t missed a single star sticker on my chore chart for two whole months.”
Santana nods and Lily continues, “I help take care of my little brother and I got all excellents on my first report card - except art but that’s ‘cause the teacher gives everyone a satisfactory for art.”
It’s true. Lily had cried at the lone S because it was a subject she had tried so hard in. Santana had needed to call the teacher who gently explained that everyone received S’s for art in kindergarten.
Already competitive, Lily didn’t like it, but she accepted it.
“You’re getting to be a very big girl,” Santana agrees. Lily puffs out her chest in pride.
“So Nathan and I have a question,” Lily turns expectantly towards the doorway. When nothing happens, she dramatically clears her voice and repeats, “I said, Nathan and I have a question.”
Lily sticks her head into the adjacent room and whispers loudly, “Nathan! You’re supposed to come in when I say your name!”
Lily reappears, beaming smile on her face, when her nearly three-year-old little brother rounds the corner. There’s a kitten tucked under his chin and he’s smiling sweetly at her.
“Can we keep him? Please, Mama?” Nathan asks in his tiny voice. He pulls the kitten closer, his little hands under its front legs, while the back ones dangle back and forth. It’s a sight too adorable for words.
Surprisingly, the cat is either oblivious to or likes Nathan’s manhandling.
One look at Lily, and it’s clear her daughter thinks she has it in the bag. It’s probably a valid assumption, but Santana’s not going to cave that easily.
“Have you talked to Mommy about this?” Santana asks.
Both children nod vigorously. “We did Mama. We did. She said we have to ask you,” Lily says.
“Of course she did,” Santana mutters under her breath. “Mama has to think about it and talk to Mommy, alright? Getting a pet is a grown-up decision.”
“Ok,” Lily and Nathan respond very solemnly. Anytime the grownup decision card gets played they’ve learned not to push too hard.
“And give me Mr. Cat. You guys know the rules. No cats in the house. He needs to go back to Sammy,” Santana now uses the name the kids have for Sam after several uses of Uncle Sam turned into one too many jokes.
“His name is Thor not Mr. Cat,” Nathan hands him over reluctantly with a look so forlorn that Santana is certain there is no way she’s getting out of this.
//
“Babe, did you tell the kids they needed to talk to me about keeping a kitten?” Santana asks, finding Rachel in the kitchen having just put dinner in the oven.
“Maybe?” Rachel offers sheepishly. “I know cats aren’t your favorite, but did you see Nathan with the little guy though? They even kinda match with the blonde hair and the light fur. How was I supposed to say no to that?”
“I did, and I get it. Our boy should be on a humane society add. Kittens would be adopted in droves,” Santana says.
“Mm-humm,” Rachel hums.
“I know that it’s a good chance for them to learn how to take care of a pet, but you realize this is going to be more work for us than it is for them, right?”
“Mm-hm,” Rachel answers again.
Shit. Now Rachel’s doing that thing where she just lets Santana talk herself into the decision Rachel already wants them to make. And like the cat can sense she’s a hard sell, he starts nuzzling her chest at that very moment. Santana can only sigh in resignation.
“Aww and he likes you. And he’s sweet with Nathan,” Rachel says. “And that was my real hesitation with getting a pet. That Nathan would be too rough or that the animal wouldn’t do well with him at this age.”
“Fine we’ll keep him. But you’re the one who’s on kitty litter duty until the kids take over,” Santana says.
“Works for me,” Rachel says and gives a her a kiss and a self-satisfied smirk. “Where are you going?”
“To return this cat for the time being and give Sam a piece of my mind.”
“Just don’t beat him up, babe. Oh, and can you invite him for dinner too?” Rachel asks.
“So we can reward him for pawning off a cat on us? Which we specifically told him never to do,” Santana says.
“No, so he doesn’t eat a hot pocket and Doritos for dinner again,” Rachel says. “I don’t know how he expects to get a girl if he doesn’t eat like an adult.”
“He should have no problem getting a girl. He’s an effing elementary school teacher. He works at like a breeding ground for girls looking for a husband,” Santana scoffs.
//
Santana cuts through the laundry room to the stairwell that leads to Sam’s little apartment and checks to make sure the kids are out of earshot before she yells, “Sam Evans! Your sorry ass better be up there!”
The kitten doesn’t appreciate the shouting and digs his little claws into her arms. “Ow, you little shit-head.”
Santana pulls the cat away from herself, but somehow can’t manage to stay angry with it. The thing is disgustingly cute.
“What happened this time?” Sam asks when she burst through the door. He’s come to expect that he’s the honorary scapegoat.
“This happened,” Santana thrusts the kitten back at him.
“Good you found Thor! Nathan would have been devastated if he ran away,” Sam said.
“Oh, he didn’t run away. More like he was kidnapped by two kitten crazy children of mine. Care to explain how that...” Santana trails off when she notices there are way more of the little things running around the room.
“Sam? Why are there like ten kittens running around in here? I thought your two were fixed!”
“They are! These were found by my students outside at recess. The mom had been hit by a car, and somebody had to take care of them,” Sam says.
“You didn’t think it was worth mentioning that you were bringing home a whole litter of kittens?” Santana asks.
“I did,” Sam says. “I called Rachel yesterday to make sure it was alright... She didn’t tell you.”
In Rachel’s defense, Santana had gotten home late and pretty much only showered and collapsed in bed. Come to think of it, Rachel may have tried to tell her something about kittens when she wrapped her body around Santana’s, but Santana was too tired and comfortable in her wife’s arms to care.
“They aren’t staying here forever,” Santana makes sure it isn’t a question even though she’s reasonably certain that Rachel wouldn’t agree to that.
“No, no, no,” Sam is quick to reassure. “I would have taken them to the shelter or something, but one of my students had recently seen All Dogs Go to Heaven or something and was worried about them getting killed at the pound. Last thing I needed was a bunch of crying third-graders.”
You could’ve lied, Santana thinks but doesn’t share that with Sam. “So what’s the plan?”
“I take care of them for two more weeks tops, and then they’re going to be adopted by kids at the school. I already have something setup with the shelter I volunteer at to make sure they have shots and get fixed,” Sam says.
“Good,” Santana says. “Just make sure no one gets Thor there. He’s going to become a Lopez.”
“Really?” Sam asks and Santana nods not bothering to hide her rueful expression.
“That so great you’re letting the kids have a pet! And you’ll really like Thor. He’s one of the most easygoing kittens ever and is very attached to Nathan and Lily. Not your stereotypical cat,” Sam gushes enthusiastically.
“You’re lucky the kids love you,” Santana deadpans before she leaves.
“Yeah, but you love me too. Don’t try to deny it.” Sam laughs.
“I won’t. But my love isn’t what’s stopping me from hitting you,” Santana comes back with.
“Alrighty then. So I’m watching the kids after dinner I take it?” Sam asks. It one of the biggest perks of having him essentially living with them - instant babysitter when she wants some quality time with Rachel
“You bet you are. Just don’t think you can make up for this that easily,” Santana says.
//
The kids are particularly antsy at dinner. Neither have done more than slide their food around. Lily keeps on opening her mouth to ask a question and then shutting it in a dramatic show of restraint. And Nathan is wiggling so much that Rachel has to keep sliding him back into his booster seat.
After Rachel secures him the third time she levels Santana with a gaze that pretty much demands she tells the kids their decision on the cat. Sam, as usual, does a terrible job of laughing discreetly at the exchange.
“If I let you guys know we’re keeping the cat will you finally eat your dinner?” Santana says and two forks clatter against their plates.
“Really? We get to keep him?” Lily asks and the excited look on her face is worth whatever amount of work the animal ends up being.
“Yes, really. But you two will have to be the ones to take care of him. He will be your responsibility that Mommy and I will help with,” Santana says.
“Thank you, Mama. Thank you, Mommy,” their little voices echo over each other excitedly.
“Mama, did you meet the Avengers?” Nathan asks as if the exciting thought just occurred to him.
“Who?” Santana looks to Rachel who shrugs.
“Thor’s brothers and sisters,” Lily says.
“We named the kittens after the Avengers,” Sam explains. “Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow and because we’re using original members from the comics and not just the movie, Ant-Man and Wasp.”
“Don’t forget Barbara!” Lily says and Santana turns to Rachel.
“Don’t look at me,” Rachel holds her hands up. “Although I do very much approve of the name.”
“Between the comics and the musical theater, it’s a good thing they have me to survive middle school,” Santana says.
“Actually all the names are comic book nerdy,” Sam says. “Barbara Gordon is the kitten’s full name.”
“Batgirl’s my favorite!” Lily chimes in and her mothers laugh loudly.
They should have known. Last Halloween Lily had insisted on going as ballerina-Batgirl. The costume consisted of a red wig, a Batman mask, and a pink tutu.
“When can Thor come live with us?” Nathan asks.
“We have to go buy stuff for him first,” Rachel says and turns to Santana. “I’m not shooting tomorrow, and you have the afternoon free, right?”
“Yeah, that should work,” Santana agrees.
“Can Sammy come too?” Lily claps her hands together.
“Of course. We can’t leave our cat expert at home. How will we know what to buy?” Rachel says and gives Sam a high five.
Santana shakes her head. It isn’t just the children who set her up.
//
The next day The Fam Plus Sam (Rachel’s name for them, much to Sam’s delight and Santana’s amusement) head out to what Santana can only assume is a Wal-Mart for pets the store’s so big.
They’re all in their hybrid SUV that Santana’s always found a little oxymoronic. Once they pile out, Nathan asks to ride on Sam’s shoulders.
Sam gives a quick glance to her and Rachel, and she gives a nod of assent before he scoops up her boy and places him behind his head.
With his out of place shaggy blonde hair, it’s easy for people to assume that Nathan is Sam’s. And there’s no denying that Lily is a carbon copy of Rachel, often leaving Santana the odd man out. She used to have more of a problem with it on their Fam Plus Sam outings, until one particularly rude encounter at the park.
Santana had been playing with the kids in the sandbox (Lily had used the puppy dog eyes. No way she’d get covered in sand otherwise), when she heard shouting coming from the benches.
Apparently a dad had alluded to Santana being the nanny, and Rachel and Sam both flipped their shit. She’s never seen the two of them look more intimidating - Rachel lecturing the man on stereotyping and Sam ranting, fists clenched, that if he ever hears someone insult the beautiful family he has the privilege of being friends with he’ll hurt someone.
Rachel then had chimed in about although not condoning violence she would make an exception if Sam wanted to cause him bodily harm.
She still hasn’t gotten over how surreal it was that despite being really proud of them, she had to be the calm one. That somehow she ended up having to talk them down, when she frequently wonders how two of the nicest, most earnest people manage to put up with her on a day to day basis. (Ok she knows why Rachel does - her wife totally gets off on her snark and also orgasms, duh).
But yeah, knowing that Sam would fight just as hard for her family as she would makes any assumptions about him that much easier to take. And honestly, at this point, he’s kinda part of the family.
They get all the normal essentials first - food that’s been approved by scientists or some shit, kitty litter, and fancy litter box - before they look for some of the more fun items.
They limit the kids to two cat toys apiece, but it’s the large kitty condo that they really have their sights on. It’s unnecessarily large, and therefore expensive, and will probably take up as much space in the family room as their rocking chair.
They can certainly afford it, but they also try to do their best at not spoiling the children with their impressive income. Rachel can probably read the hesitation on her face.
“It’s for the cat. It’s not really the same as spoiling them,” Rachel says even though it totally is the same. But Santana figures they might was well go all out at this point.
“Alright muscles,” Santana says to Sam. “Put that giant thing in our cart.”
Nathan must think he’s the muscles of the family because he insists on helping Sam by gripping tightly to the base of the monstrosity.
The kids have a hard time agreeing on a cat bed, so Santana and Sam take Nathan to another aisle to pick out the collar while Rachel and Lily pick out a bed. Hopefully the arrangement won’t end with them going home with the fluffy pink bed.
It takes them awhile to decide on the perfect collar, so Rachel checks that’s Nathan’s certain with his decision when he comes skipping back with his choice clutched tightly in his fist. Santana doesn’t blame her. Like most two-and-a-half-year-olds he can be a little fickle.
“I’m sure,” Nathan nods emphatically. Nothing half-hearted in this family.
“Red because it’s his favorite, and stars because it’s mommy’s favorite,” Santana explains. Yeah, her little guy is already the biggest sweetheart. Probably gets it from Rachel.
So after nearly forty minutes of shopping, they have everything a kitten could ever want or need and can finally pay.
“You have a really adorable family,” the checkout girl tells Sam when Lily makes her laugh with her rambling about how they just got a kitten. As if the girl couldn’t tell from the large haul she’s currently scanning.
“I’m just an honorary member,” Sam clarifies easily and holds up an empty hand to show his lack of ring. “Can’t claim either of the two little trouble makers as my own.”
“Oh,” the girl makes a quick glance to Santana and Rachel’s linked hands. “Sorry I... I didn’t mean to assume. They’re beautiful.”
Santana can tell the girl’s sincere and a little embarrassed that she jumped to conclusions. But Rachel comes to her aid and smoothes thing over with a simple, “Thank you, we think so too. And we really do need to get him a proud uncle shirt or something to wear when we go out. Probably would help let girls know you’re available, Sam.”
Santana never Can get Rachel to reign in her matchmaking tendencies. Sam blushes and she bumps Rachel’s hip with her own in admonishment.
The checkout girl is blushing too when Santana looks up to see her exchange a small smile with Sam.
“If you need help with anything else in the future just ask for Elise,” she adds shyly and hands over the last of their bags.
“I might have to do that. This kitten is the first of a litter that I’m trying to help adopt off,” Sam says, and Santana’s fairly certain Elise swoons at the thought of Sam helping rescue kittens.
And before they have to witness any more painful attempts at flirting, Nathan breaks the moment with a wave and a shrill, “Bye!”
“Bye,” Lily echoes. “We’ll be back when Thor needs more food.”
They make it to the parking lot before a very smug Rachel leans against her and says, “I have a feeling you and I will not be the ones making the cat food run.”
//
Having a cat isn’t all that bad, mainly because Thor has this adorable personality. He rushes to greet people at the door when he hears the jingle of keys, sits in the box while they play board games, and insists on being in someone’s lap for movie night.
It’s like Sam sent the little thing off to dog lessons instead of cat ones.
But evidently Santana should have been clearer when making deals about the cat with Rachel. Getting out of kitty litter duty meant every hacked up hairball was hers. Thor’s New Year’s resolution is going to be to only throw up on the tile.
And that nice cat bed her family had insisted they buy? Total waste. Thor spends every night parked in between Lily and Nathan’s doors.
“It’s sweet,” Rachel says. “He thinks he’s their guard cat - makes sure they get back from bathroom safely.”
Thor becomes kinda a celebrity himself after Santana mentions him on one of her semi-regular appearances on Craig Ferguson. Ferguson finds the story hilarious, and suddenly neither she nor Rachel can do an interview without the cat being mentioned.
Ferguson makes it a regular bit when she comes on, and when Rachel does Live with Kelly while she’s in New York for a Broadway charity event she only gets to perform one song because she and Kelly get so off topic talking about kids and pets.
“You won’t believe what our children were playing when I got home,” Rachel says one night as she slides behind Santana and begins to knead the knots out of her shoulders.
“What?” Santana’s head lolls forward and her glasses slip off her face.
Rachel laughs, no doubt at her ability to render her wife a pile of mush. “They were Thor’s PR team. Lily was his publicist and Nathan was the assistant.”
“God, what have we done to our kids?” Santana half groans half chuckles as she leans back against Rachel. “I guess we should be thankful it wasn’t either of them who needed the PR team.”
“Small victories,” Rachel agrees.
//
When Santana was in high school and even some of college, she thought love was all about finding that one person who accepted you exactly as you were - that would look past all her faults and always affirm her. And maybe that’s what she needed then, but it isn’t what she has with Rachel.
Sure Rachel loves her in spite of (and sometime because of) her faults, and vice versa, but that doesn’t mean they blindingly accept them. She has a wife who challenges her to be better. Who makes her get a cat because it makes their children happy. Who doesn’t let her always use sarcasm and insults as her form of affection, but also smiles when Santana deadpans “shut up” to a sappy ramble that has her tearing up.
Santana never thought she would be one to live the stereotypical American dream - get married, own a house, have 2.5 kids and dog; but she realizes she’s come close. (Two kids and a Sammy that lives above the garage to rounds the child number to 2.5, right?). Even more surprising is how damn happy it makes her.
She says as much to Rachel one night.
“You think our marriage is stereotypical?” Rachel gasps. Leave it to her wife to find a problem at Santana’s contentment with domesticity.
“Never, babe,” Santana leans over and kisses away Rachel’s scowl until her wife is giggling beneath her.
Being married to Rachel is anything but the norm. It’s drama at home and on both the big and small screens. And with two kids and cat that doesn’t even let them have alone time when they ship the kids off to Mike and his wife’s things are always at least a bit crazy. But she knew that was how it was going to be after the first date with Rachel. Because really, it couldn’t be any other way.