Voting Post: Funniest Flash Fiction
Funniest Flash Fiction (101-500 words)
Complete rules and procedures can be found on the main voting page. To summarize:
1. To submit your votes for this category, copy and paste the code below into a comment to this post (will be screened), or send it in an email to dramioneawards[at]gmail[dot]com. No anonymous comments allowed!
2. You must vote for your top THREE favorite fics, and rank them with your top favorite fic in the #1 position.
3. When casting your vote, please use the number assigned to the fic, rather than writing out the whole title.
CODE (2b):
2b - Funniest Flash Fiction:
1. (TOP CHOICE)
2.
3.
Return to Main Page
Nominees:
-1-
A Whisper Overheard, by rivertempest
“Mind if I sit here?” a cool voice drawled.
When Hermione turned her head towards the dulcet tone, her lips were a hairsbreadth away from Draco Malfoy’s mouth. “Why are you here?” The words were hissed, accusatory. “You weren’t invited!”
Scanning the crowd, he returned his eyes to hers, a mischievous glint residing in their stormy depths. “What kind of evil minion would I be if I didn’t crash the great and mighty prat’s wedding?” He sat in the seat next to her despite her protests. “You do realize that marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the world, right?”
Hermione smiled wanly at a guest who had turned and frowned at her for being loud when the ceremony was well under way. “The war ended two years ago,” she whispered harshly through gritted teeth. “Go away.”
“I give their marriage a fifty-fifty chance,” Draco observed casually, nodding in the couple’s direction. “You’ll know it’s in trouble when new jars appear in their kitchen, labeled ‘Belladonna’ and ‘Arsenic’.” He slung his left arm across the back of the chair, and consequently, placed it flush against Hermione’s exposed back.
His actions earned a glare from Ron, standing next to Harry as his best man, who looked like he was about to disrupt the proceedings if Malfoy didn’t leave… quickly. Hermione imperceptibly shook her head to indicate Ron was to stay where he was. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as Draco followed her line of vision to smirk at Ron, waggling his eyebrows. He also blew the redhead a kiss.
“Ahem!” Someone behind them cleared their throats loudly at the interruption.
“Sorry.” Hermione kicked Draco’s shin - to which he didn’t even bat an eyelash, infuriating her further. “Why are you here?” she murmured, leaning towards him so she couldn’t be overheard.
He facilitated her nearness by scooting closer. “I should think that obvious,” he purred, turning his face to hers and nuzzling her nose. “You want your friends to get used to the idea of us slowly.”
“In the middle of a wedding?” she whispered incredulously. “That’s the most ostentatious display of… of…”
“Togetherness? A relationship? Being lovers?” He drew out the last word in a salacious manner, but softly pressed his lips to hers.
“Do you mind?” Harry ground out. The whole wedding had halted because of Hermione and Draco’s supposedly hushed conversation. “I’m trying to get married here!”
“Sorry, mate,” Draco apologized, waving his hand imperiously. “Carry on.”
The couple returned their attention to the minister, but Hermione buried her flaming face in her hands. “They already knew, didn’t they?”
She could feel him grin as he nibbled her earlobe. “Everyone except poor Weaslebee.”
-2-
He Said/She Said, by bookishwench
Blaise and Goyle were grinning much too widely as Draco sat down in their customary booth at the Leaky Cauldron.
“So? Do I need to pay Knott five galleons or have you kept your perfect record?” Blaise asked.
Draco dramatically paused, took a swallow of Fire Whiskey, then said, “Your gold’s safe.”
Goyle and Blaise gave loud whoops of masculine pride as they clapped Draco on the shoulder.
----
“Are you mental?” Ginny asked as they sat at their usual table at the Three Broomsticks. “What possessed you to go out with Draco?”
“He said please,” Hermione said, shrugging but barely hiding a coy smile.
Ginny’s jaw dropped.
“Seriously?” she said. “I didn’t know his mouth was capable of forming that series of sounds.”
----
“Did she actually beg?” Goyle said, snickering.
“A gentleman doesn’t tell,” Draco said, but his lecherous smirk told a different story.
“Thankfully, no one’s ever accused you of behaving like a gentleman,” Blaise said. “Details, if you please…”
----
“We went to a Muggle cinema and watched that new Disney film,” Hermione said.
“Draco took you to see Finding Nemo?” Ginny said, staring at Hermione in admiration. “Even with extremely good bribery I couldn’t get Harry to go to that. How’d you manage it?”
“It was his idea,” Hermione said, then added conspiratorially, “and he actually cried when Nemo finally got home.”
Ginny’s spit take was truly spectacular.
----
“Not a single character in the whole movie ever wore a stitch of clothing, and Granger was really into it,” Draco said smugly.
Goyle slugged Draco hard on the right arm, leaving a Quaffle-sized bruise on his bicep.
“Well done,” Blaise said, elegantly raising an impressed eyebrow.
“Yeah, it gave her loads of ideas for later,” Draco said, snickering wildly.
----
“A sushi bar?” Ginny said.
“The movie put the idea in my head, awful as that sounds,” Hermione said, “so I suggested dinner at Keiko’s Pagoda afterwards.”
“Draco ate raw fish?”
“Not really,” Hermione said. “He couldn’t quite get the hang of the chopsticks. After dropping his fifth hosomaki on the floor, he grabbed one off the plate, stuffed it in his mouth, and said he was done.”
----
“So how’d the night end?” Goyle asked.
“We Apparated to her flat, she gave me a quick tumble, and I went home for a shower and a cuppa before work,” Draco said.
----
“He completely missed you? Is that even possible?” Ginny said.
“When he went to kiss me, he fell down my front steps. Then he Apparated home in a huff. I’m not sure he’ll even want to go out again,” Hermione said sadly.
----
“Think you’ll bother with her again now you’ve got what you wanted?” Blaise asked.
“Hey! Don’t talk about her that way,” Draco said angrily. “It’s rude. And yes, I wouldn’t deny her the privilege of my company, and I know just the thing she’d like: a night of randy dancing.”
In Draco’s pocket sat two tickets to Swan Lake
.
-3-
Oh No, There Goes Tokyo, by ayane_tsurgi
“Okay, so we need to find the Tokyo National Museum,” Hermione said after they’d Apparated into the middle of Tokyo’s Magical District.
Draco frowned and looked around warily. “Which, of course, the goblins couldn’t give us any clue how to find.” The two of them had been working for Gringotts for nearly six years, and they’d been partners four of those. He followed Hermione through a nondescript corporate building into Muggle Tokyo, clutching tightly at his wand in its holster.
“We’ll just have to ask, then,” she said, and walked promptly up to the nearest local and bowed. He rolled his eyes; of course she’d had the foresight to use a Japanese language spell.
He scowled deeply as yet another person nearly knocked into him. They’d had a retrieval mission at a museum in New York City, which had put him in a foul mood for nearly a week due to the sheer amount of people, but that was nothing in comparison to the streets of Tokyo. As if he wasn’t nervous enough.
He followed as closely behind Hermione as he could, but she turned around so many times to bow at people that he wasn’t even sure they were going in one direction anymore. “Would you stop? You don’t need to bow to every person in Tokyo to get directions to the bloody National Museum.”
Hermione glared at him. “It’s common courtesy in Japanese custom. I never figured you for one to ignore societal etiquette. What would Mummy say?”
She was saved his scathing response when a loud scream from a ways down the sidewalk caused Draco to jump nearly a foot in the air. As the screaming woman, a tourist who had apparently been lost, hugged her newly rediscovered companion, Hermione raised an eyebrow at her partner and lover of two and a half years. “What’s got you so jumpy today?”
He smoothed his robes needlessly and frowned at her. “I don’t understand why you’re so calm! I mean, we have no protection, and at any moment that horrifying Godzilla creature could round the corner and flatten us!”
He saw her mouth curve into a smile before she burst into quiet laughter.
“What?”
She walked up to him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “So cute.”
“Are you even listening to me? Granger!”
-4-
Reading in Bed, by drcjsnider
“Release me, woman!” Draco growled, rattling the hand-cuffs that had him bound to the headboard.
“You promised we could spend the day together in bed.”
“That’s when I thought staying in bed all day meant lots of sex!”
The morning had started off promising with Hermione showing up looking all mischievous. When she’d suggested chaining him up, Draco had been pleasantly surprised, since Hermione rarely got kinky. However, instead of her doing unmentionable things to his body once he was immobilized, she’d opened up a book of poetry by some joker named Witman and proceeded to read from it aloud.
“You are not being a good sport about this,” Hermione pointed out.
“Well, too bad! I’m bored, my arms hurt, and I’m hungry.”
“I thought poetry was the food of love?”
Draco shook his head. Hermione could be such a bloody tease. “Okay, luv. I’m willing to compromise. Let’s switch places and I’ll read to you for the next hour.”
Hermione looked unconvinced, but after a little pleading, a few promises, and a couple of binding spells the two had exchanged positions. As soon as he was free, Draco hopped out of bed and left the room.
“Hey!” Hermione called, sounding irritated. “You promised to read to me!”
“I’m going to, luv,” he replied upon returning. “I just needed to get some material.”
Rather than being pleased that Draco was upholding his end of the bargain, Hermione let out a frustrated groan as he opened up the most recent issue of Quidditch Illustrated and began to read.
-5-
The Duel, by amethyst18
Draco’s slate colored eyes narrowed as he glared at Hermione’s laughing brown ones.
“Just surrender now, Draco. There’s no way you can win,” she taunted, her lips curling into a smirk.
“You underestimate me. I am a Malfoy, and I always get my way."
She laughed. “Just give up and admit defeat!"
“Never!”
With as much strength as he could muster, he twisted and turned, determined to reach the problematic green circle.
And just when he thought his balance would betray him…success!
“Ha!” he yelled in triumph, his chest rumbling with celebratory laughter.
“Your turn, love.” He challenged, “Right foot…Yellow!”
Return to Main Page
Complete rules and procedures can be found on the main voting page. To summarize:
1. To submit your votes for this category, copy and paste the code below into a comment to this post (will be screened), or send it in an email to dramioneawards[at]gmail[dot]com. No anonymous comments allowed!
2. You must vote for your top THREE favorite fics, and rank them with your top favorite fic in the #1 position.
3. When casting your vote, please use the number assigned to the fic, rather than writing out the whole title.
CODE (2b):
2b - Funniest Flash Fiction:
1. (TOP CHOICE)
2.
3.
Return to Main Page
Nominees:
-1-
A Whisper Overheard, by rivertempest
“Mind if I sit here?” a cool voice drawled.
When Hermione turned her head towards the dulcet tone, her lips were a hairsbreadth away from Draco Malfoy’s mouth. “Why are you here?” The words were hissed, accusatory. “You weren’t invited!”
Scanning the crowd, he returned his eyes to hers, a mischievous glint residing in their stormy depths. “What kind of evil minion would I be if I didn’t crash the great and mighty prat’s wedding?” He sat in the seat next to her despite her protests. “You do realize that marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the world, right?”
Hermione smiled wanly at a guest who had turned and frowned at her for being loud when the ceremony was well under way. “The war ended two years ago,” she whispered harshly through gritted teeth. “Go away.”
“I give their marriage a fifty-fifty chance,” Draco observed casually, nodding in the couple’s direction. “You’ll know it’s in trouble when new jars appear in their kitchen, labeled ‘Belladonna’ and ‘Arsenic’.” He slung his left arm across the back of the chair, and consequently, placed it flush against Hermione’s exposed back.
His actions earned a glare from Ron, standing next to Harry as his best man, who looked like he was about to disrupt the proceedings if Malfoy didn’t leave… quickly. Hermione imperceptibly shook her head to indicate Ron was to stay where he was. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as Draco followed her line of vision to smirk at Ron, waggling his eyebrows. He also blew the redhead a kiss.
“Ahem!” Someone behind them cleared their throats loudly at the interruption.
“Sorry.” Hermione kicked Draco’s shin - to which he didn’t even bat an eyelash, infuriating her further. “Why are you here?” she murmured, leaning towards him so she couldn’t be overheard.
He facilitated her nearness by scooting closer. “I should think that obvious,” he purred, turning his face to hers and nuzzling her nose. “You want your friends to get used to the idea of us slowly.”
“In the middle of a wedding?” she whispered incredulously. “That’s the most ostentatious display of… of…”
“Togetherness? A relationship? Being lovers?” He drew out the last word in a salacious manner, but softly pressed his lips to hers.
“Do you mind?” Harry ground out. The whole wedding had halted because of Hermione and Draco’s supposedly hushed conversation. “I’m trying to get married here!”
“Sorry, mate,” Draco apologized, waving his hand imperiously. “Carry on.”
The couple returned their attention to the minister, but Hermione buried her flaming face in her hands. “They already knew, didn’t they?”
She could feel him grin as he nibbled her earlobe. “Everyone except poor Weaslebee.”
-2-
He Said/She Said, by bookishwench
Blaise and Goyle were grinning much too widely as Draco sat down in their customary booth at the Leaky Cauldron.
“So? Do I need to pay Knott five galleons or have you kept your perfect record?” Blaise asked.
Draco dramatically paused, took a swallow of Fire Whiskey, then said, “Your gold’s safe.”
Goyle and Blaise gave loud whoops of masculine pride as they clapped Draco on the shoulder.
----
“Are you mental?” Ginny asked as they sat at their usual table at the Three Broomsticks. “What possessed you to go out with Draco?”
“He said please,” Hermione said, shrugging but barely hiding a coy smile.
Ginny’s jaw dropped.
“Seriously?” she said. “I didn’t know his mouth was capable of forming that series of sounds.”
----
“Did she actually beg?” Goyle said, snickering.
“A gentleman doesn’t tell,” Draco said, but his lecherous smirk told a different story.
“Thankfully, no one’s ever accused you of behaving like a gentleman,” Blaise said. “Details, if you please…”
----
“We went to a Muggle cinema and watched that new Disney film,” Hermione said.
“Draco took you to see Finding Nemo?” Ginny said, staring at Hermione in admiration. “Even with extremely good bribery I couldn’t get Harry to go to that. How’d you manage it?”
“It was his idea,” Hermione said, then added conspiratorially, “and he actually cried when Nemo finally got home.”
Ginny’s spit take was truly spectacular.
----
“Not a single character in the whole movie ever wore a stitch of clothing, and Granger was really into it,” Draco said smugly.
Goyle slugged Draco hard on the right arm, leaving a Quaffle-sized bruise on his bicep.
“Well done,” Blaise said, elegantly raising an impressed eyebrow.
“Yeah, it gave her loads of ideas for later,” Draco said, snickering wildly.
----
“A sushi bar?” Ginny said.
“The movie put the idea in my head, awful as that sounds,” Hermione said, “so I suggested dinner at Keiko’s Pagoda afterwards.”
“Draco ate raw fish?”
“Not really,” Hermione said. “He couldn’t quite get the hang of the chopsticks. After dropping his fifth hosomaki on the floor, he grabbed one off the plate, stuffed it in his mouth, and said he was done.”
----
“So how’d the night end?” Goyle asked.
“We Apparated to her flat, she gave me a quick tumble, and I went home for a shower and a cuppa before work,” Draco said.
----
“He completely missed you? Is that even possible?” Ginny said.
“When he went to kiss me, he fell down my front steps. Then he Apparated home in a huff. I’m not sure he’ll even want to go out again,” Hermione said sadly.
----
“Think you’ll bother with her again now you’ve got what you wanted?” Blaise asked.
“Hey! Don’t talk about her that way,” Draco said angrily. “It’s rude. And yes, I wouldn’t deny her the privilege of my company, and I know just the thing she’d like: a night of randy dancing.”
In Draco’s pocket sat two tickets to Swan Lake
.
-3-
Oh No, There Goes Tokyo, by ayane_tsurgi
“Okay, so we need to find the Tokyo National Museum,” Hermione said after they’d Apparated into the middle of Tokyo’s Magical District.
Draco frowned and looked around warily. “Which, of course, the goblins couldn’t give us any clue how to find.” The two of them had been working for Gringotts for nearly six years, and they’d been partners four of those. He followed Hermione through a nondescript corporate building into Muggle Tokyo, clutching tightly at his wand in its holster.
“We’ll just have to ask, then,” she said, and walked promptly up to the nearest local and bowed. He rolled his eyes; of course she’d had the foresight to use a Japanese language spell.
He scowled deeply as yet another person nearly knocked into him. They’d had a retrieval mission at a museum in New York City, which had put him in a foul mood for nearly a week due to the sheer amount of people, but that was nothing in comparison to the streets of Tokyo. As if he wasn’t nervous enough.
He followed as closely behind Hermione as he could, but she turned around so many times to bow at people that he wasn’t even sure they were going in one direction anymore. “Would you stop? You don’t need to bow to every person in Tokyo to get directions to the bloody National Museum.”
Hermione glared at him. “It’s common courtesy in Japanese custom. I never figured you for one to ignore societal etiquette. What would Mummy say?”
She was saved his scathing response when a loud scream from a ways down the sidewalk caused Draco to jump nearly a foot in the air. As the screaming woman, a tourist who had apparently been lost, hugged her newly rediscovered companion, Hermione raised an eyebrow at her partner and lover of two and a half years. “What’s got you so jumpy today?”
He smoothed his robes needlessly and frowned at her. “I don’t understand why you’re so calm! I mean, we have no protection, and at any moment that horrifying Godzilla creature could round the corner and flatten us!”
He saw her mouth curve into a smile before she burst into quiet laughter.
“What?”
She walked up to him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “So cute.”
“Are you even listening to me? Granger!”
-4-
Reading in Bed, by drcjsnider
“Release me, woman!” Draco growled, rattling the hand-cuffs that had him bound to the headboard.
“You promised we could spend the day together in bed.”
“That’s when I thought staying in bed all day meant lots of sex!”
The morning had started off promising with Hermione showing up looking all mischievous. When she’d suggested chaining him up, Draco had been pleasantly surprised, since Hermione rarely got kinky. However, instead of her doing unmentionable things to his body once he was immobilized, she’d opened up a book of poetry by some joker named Witman and proceeded to read from it aloud.
“You are not being a good sport about this,” Hermione pointed out.
“Well, too bad! I’m bored, my arms hurt, and I’m hungry.”
“I thought poetry was the food of love?”
Draco shook his head. Hermione could be such a bloody tease. “Okay, luv. I’m willing to compromise. Let’s switch places and I’ll read to you for the next hour.”
Hermione looked unconvinced, but after a little pleading, a few promises, and a couple of binding spells the two had exchanged positions. As soon as he was free, Draco hopped out of bed and left the room.
“Hey!” Hermione called, sounding irritated. “You promised to read to me!”
“I’m going to, luv,” he replied upon returning. “I just needed to get some material.”
Rather than being pleased that Draco was upholding his end of the bargain, Hermione let out a frustrated groan as he opened up the most recent issue of Quidditch Illustrated and began to read.
-5-
The Duel, by amethyst18
Draco’s slate colored eyes narrowed as he glared at Hermione’s laughing brown ones.
“Just surrender now, Draco. There’s no way you can win,” she taunted, her lips curling into a smirk.
“You underestimate me. I am a Malfoy, and I always get my way."
She laughed. “Just give up and admit defeat!"
“Never!”
With as much strength as he could muster, he twisted and turned, determined to reach the problematic green circle.
And just when he thought his balance would betray him…success!
“Ha!” he yelled in triumph, his chest rumbling with celebratory laughter.
“Your turn, love.” He challenged, “Right foot…Yellow!”
Return to Main Page