LJ presents: Separation Hulk-xiety!
While I've been sick this week, I've been on a real nostalgia kick. I watched the Bravestarr movie I never knew existed, several hours worth of title sequences to 1980s/1990s cartoons and, most importantly, the back catalogue of TV commercials for the Masters of the Universe toy line. I loved those toys but, unlike Transformers, that affection did not carry over into lifelong fandom. Having re-watched the commercials I believe I at last know why.
As toys, He-Man and his colleagues are fantastic. Great sculpts, tough plastic, cool weapons and play-sets. They're arguably more fun to play with - to bash together, crash, throw and fight with - than Cybertron's finest. It's just that the story underpinning the line wasn't as captivating, to me, as the Transformers civil war (and to be fair, that war wouldn't have caught my imagination without the UK comics, as neither the US comics nor cartoon were any "higher literature" than the MOTU show). Toys are great, but story is what keeps me engaged.
Which got me thinking about LJ. She now owns dozens of My Little Pony chibis and, every so often, I offer to play a game with her. She thanks me but declines, preferring to kick on with more Avengers/Justice League fun. "Much as I like watching them, it's harder to come up with stories for the ponies than it is for the heroes," she explains. Looks like my mania is hereditary.
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LJ presents:
SEPARATION HULK-XIETY!
Written by LJ and SF
Directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
They met in secret. Iron Man, Superman, Captain America and the Flash knew what the future might hold and, because of recent events, feared that dystopia was fast approaching. And so they met, without the knowledge of their peers, hoping to figure out ways to stave off that impending apocalypse. Or, failing, that, prepare their daughters - and all the children of heroes - for the battle to come.
They met in secret, but they were not of one mind about the crisis. Iron Man and Captain America favoured keeping the secret from the other heroes so that a centralised, concerted effort could be made to prevent its occurrence. Superman and Flash wanted to bring the Justice League and Avengers into the circle, convinced more minds would make light work of the situation. "And how will Batman react when he finds out you've kept the existence of a possible dark future from him for more than 15 years?" Iron Man asked lightly. The DC heroes winced, knowing their friend was right. Better they sort it out themselves first, seeing Batman was going to yell at them anyway.
Of course, the Dark Knight picked that exact moment to burst into the darkened command centre and demand to speak to Iron Man. "Why are you suddenly buying all this equipment?" he demanded, waving a gloved fist full of sales receipts. "Billionaires we may be, but if you keep spending like this you'll bankrupt Stark Industries and Wayne Enterprises both!" Superman, Cap and Flash excused themselves as the super-heroic philanthropists fell into a blazing row - one totally unaware the equipment in question was designed to future-proof their headquarters.
As they left the command centre, the escaping heroes passed the Hulk and Spider-Man. Though an unlikely duo, the jade giant and the web-slinger had been the best of friends for many years and, every Wednesday, went out for hot dogs and 10-pin bowling. "So I've had a lot on my mind lately, so what?" Spidey said brightly. "Doesn't mean I'd forget about our day out, big guy! You ready for some fun?"
"He's not going anywhere," Iron Man said, stepping out from the command centre (and ignoring Batman). "Dr Banner and I have some very important lab work to do, and that takes priority over whatever it is the two of you have planned." He arched an eyebrow beneath his face plate. "The Hulk? Bowling? Really, Peter?"
The Hulk's expression soured as his friends started to argue. It wasn't just their voices that annoyed him - it was the voice shouting at him from inside his head. "Tony's right, Hulk," protested the disembodied voice of Bruce Banner. "The deal was I'd give you more control of our shared body in exchange for you being a hero, and for you giving me time when I need it. And this qualifies. It's time you found a nice, quiet spot in which to chill out so I can come out. You and Peter can go bowling next week and..."
"No!" Hulk roared, shocking everyone into silence. "Hulk sick of noise, sick of voices, sick of arguing!" With a mighty leap, the emerald titan smashed through the ceiling of the mansion, out its roof and hurtled away toward the city.
Iron Man and Spidey looked up at the hole, and then at each other. "Look what you did!" they yelled in unison.
Hulk headed to the tallest peak of the mountain range, wanting to be alone. Of course, when you share a body with another personality, you're never truly alone. As he leaped and bounded, Hulk argued as passionately and nastily with Banner as had Spidey and Iron Man. After decades, their unique circumstances had frayed their tempers seemingly beyond repair. Hulk stalked around the mountaintop, seeing Banner's face on every surface, smashing rocks and shattering cliffs. He raged until he knocked down another tower of stone... and found himself face-to-face with Lex Luthor. Hulk instantly went on the attack - but Luthor, dressed in a finely-tailored grey suit, merely held up one hand dismissively.
"Hold on, monster," he sneered. "You'd be unwise to smash the only man on earth capable of solving your personal problems once and for all."
Normally such platitudes would not stop the Hulk, but he and Banner were in a nearly-unprecedented state of mental anguish. Their shared psyche was badly scrambled, their thoughts chaotic and disorganised. And so, uncharacteristically, the strongest being in the world and one of its greatest scientific minds listened to one of their most implacable foes.
"LexCorp is dedicated to making the world a better place," Luthor continued smoothly, "and to making better people for that world. I've recently made an acquisition that is of no use to me, but of great benefit to the both of you." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, jagged piece of metal that glowed with unusual energy. "This mystic talisman has one ability: it can divide a person into multiple people based on their mental make-up. As I'm sure you can imagine, such a trinket would be extremely dangerous in the hands of some of my staff but, for you, this would be a boon." He gestured grandly. "Think of it: a world in which the Hulk continues to be a hero while Dr Bruce Banner is free to pursue scientific progress! How many more lives could you save if there were truly two of you?"
"What you want for this?" Hulk asked. "You want favour from Hulk and puny Banner? Why you want to help us?"
Luthor smiled. "Regardless of what Superman would have you believe, my goal in life is to rehabilitate people. With all you've done for the world... both of you... who's more deserving of kindness, of reward, of release from personal torment? No, Hulk, I seek no favours - in taking this talisman from me, in using it for yourselves, you will be doing me a favour." He held the object out, like an offering.
Normally such words would have no effect upon the Hulk. Normally, Bruce Banner was too smart - too cunning - to take anything Lex Luthor said for granted. But this was not a normal day. The loathing, the seething rage that arced between Hulk and Banner, like electricity, robbed them of coherent, sensible thought. It hadn't been caused by the science/hot dogs divide - that was just the latest symptom of a long-running, deep undercurrent of emotional turmoil. Almost two decades of mutual resentment and antagonism had come to a boil and, quite simply, the two could no longer live with one another. And so, in a rare moment of co-operation, they reached out and took the talisman.
It happened almost instantly - a thunderous boom, a flash of green light and two beings where once stood one! Banner, dressed in a distressed and ragged lab coat, found himself alongside the Hulk for the first time in their shared existence. Man and monster looked at one another, awestruck. A tear slid down Banner's cheek and he felt a long-standing knot in his chest untie. "I'm free," he whispered. "Free of the curse at last." Hulk, by comparison, was silent. His eyes seemed to lose some of their focus and his posture altered. His shoulders hunched over a little more and his jaw was a little more slack.
"Welcome to your new lives, gentlemen," Luthor said brightly. "I'll leave you to your devices. Oh, and don't worry - that talisman was a 'one time only' deal. It evaporated upon use. You'll never have to worry about this again." Confident he had nothing to fear, Luthor turned his back on Hulk and Banner and strolled down from the peak. He had parked the Doom Walker's speederbike there; a short ride took him back to the fearsome siege engine and its pilot for the day, Clock King. "Before you ask," Luthor told his employee, "everything went perfectly. Hulk and Banner have been split into two individual beings by what they believe was a 'magic talisman'." He all but sneered the words. "They have no idea it was really one of the mystically-charged remnants of Loki's toy-making machine." He settled into a seat and steepled his fingers. "The experiment has begun."
Clock King set the Doom Walker in motion. "I still don't understand the need for this experiment," he complained.
"It's all part of the master plan," Luthor explained. "The same plan that keeps Doom's henchmen alive in our dungeon, that led to me manipulating Loki and Enchantress. The goal, Clock King, is to bestow upgraded powers upon you and all my employees - something Doom's minions adapt to easily but our kind do not. I believe the shattered pieces of Loki's machine may be the key to transferring that ability into you, the Joker and the others. First I need to know the effects of separating a 'Marvel' from its powers, and who better to test that on than the Hulk?"
"That's what doesn't make sense to me," Clock King shook his head. "Aren't we in more danger now, with both Hulk and Banner on the loose?"
Luthor smirked. "When I said I needed to know the effects of separation, what I meant was I need to confirm my indisputably correct hypothesis. Banner and Hulk don't realise that, once apart, they'll be far less efficient and far less threatening than they are as a unit. Trust me: the threat they pose to our operations is over." He chuckled. "And besides: it's more than likely the ultimate effect of splitting this particular atom is the Hulk devolving into a walking gamma bomb until he explodes, wiping out the heroes and the city for us." He reclined the seat and folded his hands behind his head. "This is the only kind of scenario in which I deal, Clock King: a win-win scenario."
Hulk and Banner didn't waste any time getting as far away from one another as possible. Hulk headed downtown, where he found Spider-Man swinging through the city. Delighted to see his big buddy and not wanting to cause another scene, the web-slinger didn't question the turn of events and instead led the Hulk toward the hot dog stand. Banner, meanwhile, made a beeline for Hero Headquarters and Tony Stark's laboratory. Like Spidey, Iron Man raised no objections and simply got to work with his "science bro".
Really, the heroes should have paid more attention. Hulk did not merely eat hot dogs, he gorged himself on the stand's entire inventory and flew into a tantrum when it ran out of food. Banner kept getting distracted from his work, gazing instead at the various Iron Man suits and musing aloud about all the weaponry that could be added to them. At bowling, Hulk displayed no dexterity whatsoever, was unable to keep score and sent the balls through the back of the alley (they penetrated several buildings before coming to rest, streets away, in the Mayor's office!). Back in the lab, Banner began to chastise Iron Man for his "lack of vision" and had to be physically stopped from overhauling several of the armours "to enhance their offensive capabilities".
Things came to a head when the bowling alley's manager (who, it must be said, was a paragon of patience given he was willing to accept Hulk as a regular customer) demanded the heroes leave his establishment. Hulk responded with a savage, wordless bellow that sent the manager and everyone else in the alley scrambling for safety. When Hulk lobbed bowling balls after them, Spidey intercepted the makeshift missiles. Furious, frothing at the mouth and eyes bloodshot, Hulk grabbed his friend by the ankles and sent him sailing through the hole in the alley wall. Spidey landed in the Mayor's office - in front of the frazzled public servant and Commissioner Gordon, and atop Hulk's earlier "strikes" - with a thud. Despite the web-slinger's weak protests, Gordon mobilised the police.
Streets away, Hulk was demolishing the bowling alley piece by smashed piece - unaware he had a very appreciative audience. "Green one, I salute you," thundered a voice from overhead. Eyes dim and uncomprehending, Hulk looked up but failed to recognise Atrocitus, leader of the rage-powered Red Lantern Corps. "Anger and hatred are plentiful in this pathetic universe but true rage is a rare and terrible beauty. Your rage is so righteous, so potent that it called to my ring from across the stars and drew me to you." In a blaze of crimson energy, Atrocitus descended and stood alongside Hulk. "I would give you the means to fully unleash your rage. I would have you in my army - I would have you in my Corps. What do you say?"
Outside, sirens blared and lights flashed as the police arrived. The noise stung Hulk's ears and, with animalistic fury and lack of understanding, he lashed out at the closest person. Atrocitus caught the huge green fist square on the point of his jaw and exited the crumbling building the way he entered, only at a far greater velocity. Incensed at the slight, the Red Lantern went on the attack.
Word of the battle spread quickly and, soon, the news media were on the scene. Live coverage broke across all stations, including the one playing in the background of Tony Stark's lab. Banner saw it first and, realising it would expose his newfound freedom, smashed the TV screen with a coffee mug. Before Iron Man could react, Banner leaped toward the central console and started to pull at wires, hoping to sever all outside contact. Robbed of any of the Hulk's strength, however, he lacked enough muscle to so much as fray a single plastic-covered lead.
"What is wrong with you?" Tony snapped. "You're acting so... wait." J.A.R.V.I.S. had beamed a live feed into his heads-up display, showing the carnage downtown. The billionaire hero instantly recognised Atrocitus but, thanks to the hue of the energies flying around the devastated bowling alley, assumed his opponent was the Red Hulk - which was fair, given Bruce Banner was right next to him! "I've got to go deal with this," he said, powering up his thruster boots. "And when I come back, you and I are going shopping online 'cause you owe me a new TV!"
Iron Man arrived at the scene of the chaos at the same time as did a weary and addled Spider-Man. "Took on the Red Hulk by yourself, web head?" the armoured Avenger quipped. "Brave, but not too bright."
"Red Hulk?" Spidey replied. "There's no Red Hulk here, Tony. Just our Hulk. We were eating hot dogs and bowling like usual... well, not like usual. Hulk seemed pretty distant all day, and he was quite savage at times. Didn't say much, either, which I just put down to him being upset about your pig-headedness earlier. Everything was fine until the bowling. I've never seen him go off the deep end like this!"
"Our Hulk? No, that can't be right," Iron Man insisted. "Banner and I have been in the lab all day, ever since he came back from that little Hulk-out temper-tantrum you caused this morning. Sure, he was a lot grumpier than normal... oddly obsessed with weapons, too... but you'd put him in a bad mood with your selfishness so I figured hey, cut the guy a break. And seeing as I left him back in the lab, this can't be our Hulk because..."
At that moment, Hulk erupted from out the debris of the bowling alley. His skin was radiating gamma energy and he glowed like a reactor approaching its critical state. Atrocitus attacked again; his expression was half-anger and half-delight at the rage on display. Before Iron Man and Spidey could intervene, a third player entered the battle - the Hulkbuster Iron Man armour! "All right, that does it," yelled Bruce Banner from inside the suit. "All of this nonsense has gone on long enough. The time has come, Hulk - you and I are going to have a reckoning!"
Spidey looked at the jade giant. "Hulk..."
Iron Man pointed at his purloined suit. "Banner..."
"They've been separated," Spidey said, keen mind whirring into action. "That's why Hulk was so savage, so dim, so... mindless! Without Banner's intellect and conscience he's a dull-witted monster, victim to his every emotion and whim!"
"They've been separated," Iron Man echoed. "That's why Banner was so aggressive, so bloodthirsty. Without the Hulk to channel his rage and anger, he becomes a cruel and uncaring scientist - almost a super villain!" A sensor on his gauntlet whooped. "And," he continued, "without any restraint on his activity, Hulk's internal biology is devolving. He's becoming a walking, talking, smashing gamma bomb that's going to go off and wipe out the entire city!"
"I know what to do," Spidey yelled, firing off a web line. He swung in between Hulk and Banner's borrowed armour, and then coated Hulk's face with webbing. The heat of his gamma emissions burned away the sticky substance but, in his intellectually-compromised state, Hulk's attention instantly shifted from Banner to Spidey. "Catch me if you can, grumpy pants," Spidey cat-called. With an infuriated Hulk at his heels, the web-slinger took off as fast as he could go.
Banner, snarling, moved to follow but was stopped by Atrocitus. "I made a mistake," the Red Lantern growled. "I thought my ring had sensed the beast's rage but, now you're here, I see you are the true source." He raised his ring and the light of it pulsed, faster and faster. "Amazing," Atrocitus intoned reverently. "Never have I known rage so great, so pure, as yours. Human, you of all beings in the universe was born to be a Red Lantern!" He held our his left hand. Balanced on the palm was a Red Lantern power ring. "Take this, Robert Bruce Banner, and express your rage truly for the first time in your life. No more hiding behind a 'monster'. No more being locked inside the psyche of a beast. No more limits to your creativity, to your imagination, to your potential for destruction. Take this ring and be unleashed!"
While Banner stared at the ring, Spidey had led Hulk back up the mountain. He had no Geiger counter but, as a science major, Peter Parker knew his old friend was likely to detonate within minutes. Keeping what safe distance he could... praying gamma exposure would not adversely affect his already-irradiated cellular structure... Spidey danced between Hulk's rampaging blows and tried to talk the monster down. "I get that you're angry and scared, and it's okay," Spidey yelled over the din. "We all get scared when we're alone and, Hulk buddy, you're truly alone for the first time in your life. Except -- urrk!"
Spidey had hesitated a moment too long, and Hulk had snatched him by the neck with both massive hands. Spidey could feel the burn of gamma radiation all around him, feel his oxygen being squeezed off. Hulk's face loomed in his vision, his friend's eyes utterly alien and without intelligence. Still he refused to quit. "Except you're not alone," he gasped, "because I'm here with you. And I always will be. Because you're my friend, Hulk."
A single word - friend - seemed to spark a change in the monster's attitude. His eyes came into focus and he looked, really looked, at Spidey for the first time in hours. Hulk relaxed his hands, unceremoniously dumping Spidey on the rocky ground, then ran a few steps away and curled into a fetal ball. The gamma radiation crackling across his body flared for a brief second - Spidey braced himself for the inevitably fatal explosion - and then amazingly retreated inside the beast's thick skin. With a rush of heat and a burst of white noise, the danger passed. Battered and bruised, Spidey staggered over to Hulk. He'd pulled his knees up to his chest and was rocking slightly, eyes blank once again.
Downtown, Banner reached hungrily for the red power ring. "Don't do it," Iron Man yelled. "Don't do it, Bruce, it's not you! You don't like any kind of weapon, even pacifying weapons, and that ring is a weapon. Take it from me, I know weapons and that thing is one of the worst ones out there!"
"Silence!" Atrocitus roared, firing a torrent of red energy toward Iron Man.
The armoured hero blocked it with a force field but the strength of the assault nonetheless drove him down onto one knee. "All you've ever wanted to do is be free of the Hulk," he continued despite the strain. "You put on that ring, you'll be more cursed than ever before. You'll truly be a creature of rage, Bruce, instead of sharing your existence with one. Is that what you want? You can direct the Hulk, channel his power, mold him into a force for good. That's because you and he are a team - how are you going to be a force for good when you are the weapon?"
At first he hesitated, but Banner reached again for the ring. Atrocitus smiled... and copped an armoured gauntlet in the face! Wielding the Hulkbuster armour like a bro, Banner delivered unto Atrocitus a mighty beat-down. Iron Man joined in and, beset from all sides, the cosmic villain decided discretion was the better part of valour and shot toward orbit, swearing revenge in his wake.
Banner exited the armour, a sheepish and embarrassed expression on his face. Spidey arrived a moment later, leading a dazed and child-like Hulk by the hand. Gamma radiation was starting to seep from the monster's skin once more, and all present knew it was only a matter of time before the chain reaction would result in a lethal explosion. "Hulk did it all himself," Spidey said. "He drew all the radiation back inside his body and held it, by calming down. Even at his most savage, he could still recognise his friend and the importance of life. Even without you, Bruce, he still has a conscience."
"And even without him," Iron Man added, "you've shown, Bruce, that you can channel your rage for good and make the right decisions. That you're not a slave to anger, like Atrocitus. You might mess up and ruin a few TV sets along the way but, at the end of the day, you're good people."
Banner nodded, and looked up at the Hulk's vacant expression. "Then I guess there's only one thing for it," he said. He stepped forward and put his thin arms around Hulk's massive waist, embracing his other half. It happened almost instantly - a thunderous boom, a flash of green light and one being where once stood two! Hulk's eyelashed fluttered and his expression grew quizzical. For a moment he appeared to be searching for something, then he smiled. "Puny Banner," he said, addressing an empty patch of air in between Iron Man and Spidey. "Him back in Hulk's head now."
"That's a start," Spidey said. "The rest is the three of us cleaning up this mess... and the one with the money paying to rebuild the bowling alley."
"Hey! Wait just a second, I..."
"Am as responsible for this as Hulk, Banner and I," Spidey said sternly, "because if you and I hadn't been selfish about our friends, they wouldn't have fought and this could have been resolved without chaos. Right, Tony?"
Iron Man sighed. "This is why it's better to have business associates than friends. Friends costs you more in the long run." Nonetheless he smiled. "You're right, of course. And, after we're done here, we'll do everything we can to help you and Banner get back in synch, Hulk."
"That be good," Hulk nodded. "Lot of work to do, lot of stuff to say and talk about. But Hulk think big first step already been taken." He had a memory - dimly his own, clearly from Banner's mind - of the moment just before they re-merged. A happy memory that made him feel warm inside. "May not be science, but hugs help everybody feel better."
-----THE END-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF
As toys, He-Man and his colleagues are fantastic. Great sculpts, tough plastic, cool weapons and play-sets. They're arguably more fun to play with - to bash together, crash, throw and fight with - than Cybertron's finest. It's just that the story underpinning the line wasn't as captivating, to me, as the Transformers civil war (and to be fair, that war wouldn't have caught my imagination without the UK comics, as neither the US comics nor cartoon were any "higher literature" than the MOTU show). Toys are great, but story is what keeps me engaged.
Which got me thinking about LJ. She now owns dozens of My Little Pony chibis and, every so often, I offer to play a game with her. She thanks me but declines, preferring to kick on with more Avengers/Justice League fun. "Much as I like watching them, it's harder to come up with stories for the ponies than it is for the heroes," she explains. Looks like my mania is hereditary.
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LJ presents:
SEPARATION HULK-XIETY!
Written by LJ and SF
Directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
They met in secret. Iron Man, Superman, Captain America and the Flash knew what the future might hold and, because of recent events, feared that dystopia was fast approaching. And so they met, without the knowledge of their peers, hoping to figure out ways to stave off that impending apocalypse. Or, failing, that, prepare their daughters - and all the children of heroes - for the battle to come.
They met in secret, but they were not of one mind about the crisis. Iron Man and Captain America favoured keeping the secret from the other heroes so that a centralised, concerted effort could be made to prevent its occurrence. Superman and Flash wanted to bring the Justice League and Avengers into the circle, convinced more minds would make light work of the situation. "And how will Batman react when he finds out you've kept the existence of a possible dark future from him for more than 15 years?" Iron Man asked lightly. The DC heroes winced, knowing their friend was right. Better they sort it out themselves first, seeing Batman was going to yell at them anyway.
Of course, the Dark Knight picked that exact moment to burst into the darkened command centre and demand to speak to Iron Man. "Why are you suddenly buying all this equipment?" he demanded, waving a gloved fist full of sales receipts. "Billionaires we may be, but if you keep spending like this you'll bankrupt Stark Industries and Wayne Enterprises both!" Superman, Cap and Flash excused themselves as the super-heroic philanthropists fell into a blazing row - one totally unaware the equipment in question was designed to future-proof their headquarters.
As they left the command centre, the escaping heroes passed the Hulk and Spider-Man. Though an unlikely duo, the jade giant and the web-slinger had been the best of friends for many years and, every Wednesday, went out for hot dogs and 10-pin bowling. "So I've had a lot on my mind lately, so what?" Spidey said brightly. "Doesn't mean I'd forget about our day out, big guy! You ready for some fun?"
"He's not going anywhere," Iron Man said, stepping out from the command centre (and ignoring Batman). "Dr Banner and I have some very important lab work to do, and that takes priority over whatever it is the two of you have planned." He arched an eyebrow beneath his face plate. "The Hulk? Bowling? Really, Peter?"
The Hulk's expression soured as his friends started to argue. It wasn't just their voices that annoyed him - it was the voice shouting at him from inside his head. "Tony's right, Hulk," protested the disembodied voice of Bruce Banner. "The deal was I'd give you more control of our shared body in exchange for you being a hero, and for you giving me time when I need it. And this qualifies. It's time you found a nice, quiet spot in which to chill out so I can come out. You and Peter can go bowling next week and..."
"No!" Hulk roared, shocking everyone into silence. "Hulk sick of noise, sick of voices, sick of arguing!" With a mighty leap, the emerald titan smashed through the ceiling of the mansion, out its roof and hurtled away toward the city.
Iron Man and Spidey looked up at the hole, and then at each other. "Look what you did!" they yelled in unison.
Hulk headed to the tallest peak of the mountain range, wanting to be alone. Of course, when you share a body with another personality, you're never truly alone. As he leaped and bounded, Hulk argued as passionately and nastily with Banner as had Spidey and Iron Man. After decades, their unique circumstances had frayed their tempers seemingly beyond repair. Hulk stalked around the mountaintop, seeing Banner's face on every surface, smashing rocks and shattering cliffs. He raged until he knocked down another tower of stone... and found himself face-to-face with Lex Luthor. Hulk instantly went on the attack - but Luthor, dressed in a finely-tailored grey suit, merely held up one hand dismissively.
"Hold on, monster," he sneered. "You'd be unwise to smash the only man on earth capable of solving your personal problems once and for all."
Normally such platitudes would not stop the Hulk, but he and Banner were in a nearly-unprecedented state of mental anguish. Their shared psyche was badly scrambled, their thoughts chaotic and disorganised. And so, uncharacteristically, the strongest being in the world and one of its greatest scientific minds listened to one of their most implacable foes.
"LexCorp is dedicated to making the world a better place," Luthor continued smoothly, "and to making better people for that world. I've recently made an acquisition that is of no use to me, but of great benefit to the both of you." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, jagged piece of metal that glowed with unusual energy. "This mystic talisman has one ability: it can divide a person into multiple people based on their mental make-up. As I'm sure you can imagine, such a trinket would be extremely dangerous in the hands of some of my staff but, for you, this would be a boon." He gestured grandly. "Think of it: a world in which the Hulk continues to be a hero while Dr Bruce Banner is free to pursue scientific progress! How many more lives could you save if there were truly two of you?"
"What you want for this?" Hulk asked. "You want favour from Hulk and puny Banner? Why you want to help us?"
Luthor smiled. "Regardless of what Superman would have you believe, my goal in life is to rehabilitate people. With all you've done for the world... both of you... who's more deserving of kindness, of reward, of release from personal torment? No, Hulk, I seek no favours - in taking this talisman from me, in using it for yourselves, you will be doing me a favour." He held the object out, like an offering.
Normally such words would have no effect upon the Hulk. Normally, Bruce Banner was too smart - too cunning - to take anything Lex Luthor said for granted. But this was not a normal day. The loathing, the seething rage that arced between Hulk and Banner, like electricity, robbed them of coherent, sensible thought. It hadn't been caused by the science/hot dogs divide - that was just the latest symptom of a long-running, deep undercurrent of emotional turmoil. Almost two decades of mutual resentment and antagonism had come to a boil and, quite simply, the two could no longer live with one another. And so, in a rare moment of co-operation, they reached out and took the talisman.
It happened almost instantly - a thunderous boom, a flash of green light and two beings where once stood one! Banner, dressed in a distressed and ragged lab coat, found himself alongside the Hulk for the first time in their shared existence. Man and monster looked at one another, awestruck. A tear slid down Banner's cheek and he felt a long-standing knot in his chest untie. "I'm free," he whispered. "Free of the curse at last." Hulk, by comparison, was silent. His eyes seemed to lose some of their focus and his posture altered. His shoulders hunched over a little more and his jaw was a little more slack.
"Welcome to your new lives, gentlemen," Luthor said brightly. "I'll leave you to your devices. Oh, and don't worry - that talisman was a 'one time only' deal. It evaporated upon use. You'll never have to worry about this again." Confident he had nothing to fear, Luthor turned his back on Hulk and Banner and strolled down from the peak. He had parked the Doom Walker's speederbike there; a short ride took him back to the fearsome siege engine and its pilot for the day, Clock King. "Before you ask," Luthor told his employee, "everything went perfectly. Hulk and Banner have been split into two individual beings by what they believe was a 'magic talisman'." He all but sneered the words. "They have no idea it was really one of the mystically-charged remnants of Loki's toy-making machine." He settled into a seat and steepled his fingers. "The experiment has begun."
Clock King set the Doom Walker in motion. "I still don't understand the need for this experiment," he complained.
"It's all part of the master plan," Luthor explained. "The same plan that keeps Doom's henchmen alive in our dungeon, that led to me manipulating Loki and Enchantress. The goal, Clock King, is to bestow upgraded powers upon you and all my employees - something Doom's minions adapt to easily but our kind do not. I believe the shattered pieces of Loki's machine may be the key to transferring that ability into you, the Joker and the others. First I need to know the effects of separating a 'Marvel' from its powers, and who better to test that on than the Hulk?"
"That's what doesn't make sense to me," Clock King shook his head. "Aren't we in more danger now, with both Hulk and Banner on the loose?"
Luthor smirked. "When I said I needed to know the effects of separation, what I meant was I need to confirm my indisputably correct hypothesis. Banner and Hulk don't realise that, once apart, they'll be far less efficient and far less threatening than they are as a unit. Trust me: the threat they pose to our operations is over." He chuckled. "And besides: it's more than likely the ultimate effect of splitting this particular atom is the Hulk devolving into a walking gamma bomb until he explodes, wiping out the heroes and the city for us." He reclined the seat and folded his hands behind his head. "This is the only kind of scenario in which I deal, Clock King: a win-win scenario."
Hulk and Banner didn't waste any time getting as far away from one another as possible. Hulk headed downtown, where he found Spider-Man swinging through the city. Delighted to see his big buddy and not wanting to cause another scene, the web-slinger didn't question the turn of events and instead led the Hulk toward the hot dog stand. Banner, meanwhile, made a beeline for Hero Headquarters and Tony Stark's laboratory. Like Spidey, Iron Man raised no objections and simply got to work with his "science bro".
Really, the heroes should have paid more attention. Hulk did not merely eat hot dogs, he gorged himself on the stand's entire inventory and flew into a tantrum when it ran out of food. Banner kept getting distracted from his work, gazing instead at the various Iron Man suits and musing aloud about all the weaponry that could be added to them. At bowling, Hulk displayed no dexterity whatsoever, was unable to keep score and sent the balls through the back of the alley (they penetrated several buildings before coming to rest, streets away, in the Mayor's office!). Back in the lab, Banner began to chastise Iron Man for his "lack of vision" and had to be physically stopped from overhauling several of the armours "to enhance their offensive capabilities".
Things came to a head when the bowling alley's manager (who, it must be said, was a paragon of patience given he was willing to accept Hulk as a regular customer) demanded the heroes leave his establishment. Hulk responded with a savage, wordless bellow that sent the manager and everyone else in the alley scrambling for safety. When Hulk lobbed bowling balls after them, Spidey intercepted the makeshift missiles. Furious, frothing at the mouth and eyes bloodshot, Hulk grabbed his friend by the ankles and sent him sailing through the hole in the alley wall. Spidey landed in the Mayor's office - in front of the frazzled public servant and Commissioner Gordon, and atop Hulk's earlier "strikes" - with a thud. Despite the web-slinger's weak protests, Gordon mobilised the police.
Streets away, Hulk was demolishing the bowling alley piece by smashed piece - unaware he had a very appreciative audience. "Green one, I salute you," thundered a voice from overhead. Eyes dim and uncomprehending, Hulk looked up but failed to recognise Atrocitus, leader of the rage-powered Red Lantern Corps. "Anger and hatred are plentiful in this pathetic universe but true rage is a rare and terrible beauty. Your rage is so righteous, so potent that it called to my ring from across the stars and drew me to you." In a blaze of crimson energy, Atrocitus descended and stood alongside Hulk. "I would give you the means to fully unleash your rage. I would have you in my army - I would have you in my Corps. What do you say?"
Outside, sirens blared and lights flashed as the police arrived. The noise stung Hulk's ears and, with animalistic fury and lack of understanding, he lashed out at the closest person. Atrocitus caught the huge green fist square on the point of his jaw and exited the crumbling building the way he entered, only at a far greater velocity. Incensed at the slight, the Red Lantern went on the attack.
Word of the battle spread quickly and, soon, the news media were on the scene. Live coverage broke across all stations, including the one playing in the background of Tony Stark's lab. Banner saw it first and, realising it would expose his newfound freedom, smashed the TV screen with a coffee mug. Before Iron Man could react, Banner leaped toward the central console and started to pull at wires, hoping to sever all outside contact. Robbed of any of the Hulk's strength, however, he lacked enough muscle to so much as fray a single plastic-covered lead.
"What is wrong with you?" Tony snapped. "You're acting so... wait." J.A.R.V.I.S. had beamed a live feed into his heads-up display, showing the carnage downtown. The billionaire hero instantly recognised Atrocitus but, thanks to the hue of the energies flying around the devastated bowling alley, assumed his opponent was the Red Hulk - which was fair, given Bruce Banner was right next to him! "I've got to go deal with this," he said, powering up his thruster boots. "And when I come back, you and I are going shopping online 'cause you owe me a new TV!"
Iron Man arrived at the scene of the chaos at the same time as did a weary and addled Spider-Man. "Took on the Red Hulk by yourself, web head?" the armoured Avenger quipped. "Brave, but not too bright."
"Red Hulk?" Spidey replied. "There's no Red Hulk here, Tony. Just our Hulk. We were eating hot dogs and bowling like usual... well, not like usual. Hulk seemed pretty distant all day, and he was quite savage at times. Didn't say much, either, which I just put down to him being upset about your pig-headedness earlier. Everything was fine until the bowling. I've never seen him go off the deep end like this!"
"Our Hulk? No, that can't be right," Iron Man insisted. "Banner and I have been in the lab all day, ever since he came back from that little Hulk-out temper-tantrum you caused this morning. Sure, he was a lot grumpier than normal... oddly obsessed with weapons, too... but you'd put him in a bad mood with your selfishness so I figured hey, cut the guy a break. And seeing as I left him back in the lab, this can't be our Hulk because..."
At that moment, Hulk erupted from out the debris of the bowling alley. His skin was radiating gamma energy and he glowed like a reactor approaching its critical state. Atrocitus attacked again; his expression was half-anger and half-delight at the rage on display. Before Iron Man and Spidey could intervene, a third player entered the battle - the Hulkbuster Iron Man armour! "All right, that does it," yelled Bruce Banner from inside the suit. "All of this nonsense has gone on long enough. The time has come, Hulk - you and I are going to have a reckoning!"
Spidey looked at the jade giant. "Hulk..."
Iron Man pointed at his purloined suit. "Banner..."
"They've been separated," Spidey said, keen mind whirring into action. "That's why Hulk was so savage, so dim, so... mindless! Without Banner's intellect and conscience he's a dull-witted monster, victim to his every emotion and whim!"
"They've been separated," Iron Man echoed. "That's why Banner was so aggressive, so bloodthirsty. Without the Hulk to channel his rage and anger, he becomes a cruel and uncaring scientist - almost a super villain!" A sensor on his gauntlet whooped. "And," he continued, "without any restraint on his activity, Hulk's internal biology is devolving. He's becoming a walking, talking, smashing gamma bomb that's going to go off and wipe out the entire city!"
"I know what to do," Spidey yelled, firing off a web line. He swung in between Hulk and Banner's borrowed armour, and then coated Hulk's face with webbing. The heat of his gamma emissions burned away the sticky substance but, in his intellectually-compromised state, Hulk's attention instantly shifted from Banner to Spidey. "Catch me if you can, grumpy pants," Spidey cat-called. With an infuriated Hulk at his heels, the web-slinger took off as fast as he could go.
Banner, snarling, moved to follow but was stopped by Atrocitus. "I made a mistake," the Red Lantern growled. "I thought my ring had sensed the beast's rage but, now you're here, I see you are the true source." He raised his ring and the light of it pulsed, faster and faster. "Amazing," Atrocitus intoned reverently. "Never have I known rage so great, so pure, as yours. Human, you of all beings in the universe was born to be a Red Lantern!" He held our his left hand. Balanced on the palm was a Red Lantern power ring. "Take this, Robert Bruce Banner, and express your rage truly for the first time in your life. No more hiding behind a 'monster'. No more being locked inside the psyche of a beast. No more limits to your creativity, to your imagination, to your potential for destruction. Take this ring and be unleashed!"
While Banner stared at the ring, Spidey had led Hulk back up the mountain. He had no Geiger counter but, as a science major, Peter Parker knew his old friend was likely to detonate within minutes. Keeping what safe distance he could... praying gamma exposure would not adversely affect his already-irradiated cellular structure... Spidey danced between Hulk's rampaging blows and tried to talk the monster down. "I get that you're angry and scared, and it's okay," Spidey yelled over the din. "We all get scared when we're alone and, Hulk buddy, you're truly alone for the first time in your life. Except -- urrk!"
Spidey had hesitated a moment too long, and Hulk had snatched him by the neck with both massive hands. Spidey could feel the burn of gamma radiation all around him, feel his oxygen being squeezed off. Hulk's face loomed in his vision, his friend's eyes utterly alien and without intelligence. Still he refused to quit. "Except you're not alone," he gasped, "because I'm here with you. And I always will be. Because you're my friend, Hulk."
A single word - friend - seemed to spark a change in the monster's attitude. His eyes came into focus and he looked, really looked, at Spidey for the first time in hours. Hulk relaxed his hands, unceremoniously dumping Spidey on the rocky ground, then ran a few steps away and curled into a fetal ball. The gamma radiation crackling across his body flared for a brief second - Spidey braced himself for the inevitably fatal explosion - and then amazingly retreated inside the beast's thick skin. With a rush of heat and a burst of white noise, the danger passed. Battered and bruised, Spidey staggered over to Hulk. He'd pulled his knees up to his chest and was rocking slightly, eyes blank once again.
Downtown, Banner reached hungrily for the red power ring. "Don't do it," Iron Man yelled. "Don't do it, Bruce, it's not you! You don't like any kind of weapon, even pacifying weapons, and that ring is a weapon. Take it from me, I know weapons and that thing is one of the worst ones out there!"
"Silence!" Atrocitus roared, firing a torrent of red energy toward Iron Man.
The armoured hero blocked it with a force field but the strength of the assault nonetheless drove him down onto one knee. "All you've ever wanted to do is be free of the Hulk," he continued despite the strain. "You put on that ring, you'll be more cursed than ever before. You'll truly be a creature of rage, Bruce, instead of sharing your existence with one. Is that what you want? You can direct the Hulk, channel his power, mold him into a force for good. That's because you and he are a team - how are you going to be a force for good when you are the weapon?"
At first he hesitated, but Banner reached again for the ring. Atrocitus smiled... and copped an armoured gauntlet in the face! Wielding the Hulkbuster armour like a bro, Banner delivered unto Atrocitus a mighty beat-down. Iron Man joined in and, beset from all sides, the cosmic villain decided discretion was the better part of valour and shot toward orbit, swearing revenge in his wake.
Banner exited the armour, a sheepish and embarrassed expression on his face. Spidey arrived a moment later, leading a dazed and child-like Hulk by the hand. Gamma radiation was starting to seep from the monster's skin once more, and all present knew it was only a matter of time before the chain reaction would result in a lethal explosion. "Hulk did it all himself," Spidey said. "He drew all the radiation back inside his body and held it, by calming down. Even at his most savage, he could still recognise his friend and the importance of life. Even without you, Bruce, he still has a conscience."
"And even without him," Iron Man added, "you've shown, Bruce, that you can channel your rage for good and make the right decisions. That you're not a slave to anger, like Atrocitus. You might mess up and ruin a few TV sets along the way but, at the end of the day, you're good people."
Banner nodded, and looked up at the Hulk's vacant expression. "Then I guess there's only one thing for it," he said. He stepped forward and put his thin arms around Hulk's massive waist, embracing his other half. It happened almost instantly - a thunderous boom, a flash of green light and one being where once stood two! Hulk's eyelashed fluttered and his expression grew quizzical. For a moment he appeared to be searching for something, then he smiled. "Puny Banner," he said, addressing an empty patch of air in between Iron Man and Spidey. "Him back in Hulk's head now."
"That's a start," Spidey said. "The rest is the three of us cleaning up this mess... and the one with the money paying to rebuild the bowling alley."
"Hey! Wait just a second, I..."
"Am as responsible for this as Hulk, Banner and I," Spidey said sternly, "because if you and I hadn't been selfish about our friends, they wouldn't have fought and this could have been resolved without chaos. Right, Tony?"
Iron Man sighed. "This is why it's better to have business associates than friends. Friends costs you more in the long run." Nonetheless he smiled. "You're right, of course. And, after we're done here, we'll do everything we can to help you and Banner get back in synch, Hulk."
"That be good," Hulk nodded. "Lot of work to do, lot of stuff to say and talk about. But Hulk think big first step already been taken." He had a memory - dimly his own, clearly from Banner's mind - of the moment just before they re-merged. A happy memory that made him feel warm inside. "May not be science, but hugs help everybody feel better."
-----THE END-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF