LJ Presents: Prank Invasion (or "Who Dat Skrull?")
There have been video games and DVDs, a movie (Oz The Great and Powerful), a make-up party, no less than three special dinners (sushi, Chinese and Mexican) and more cupcakes than you can shake a candle at. Thanks to some fortunate timing, we were able to turn LJ's 9th birthday into a five-day festival. Never before have we had the kidlet for such an uninterrupted stretch, and certainly not with three of those days being non-working (thank you, public holiday Monday). Of course, amidst it all, there was an epic game (isn't there always?).
This one had its genesis last week, actually. "I wish they'd used the Skrulls in Avengers instead of the Chitauri," LJ had sighed. "Like, they could have done this really cool thing where we found out some of the characters were actually Skrulls, and one of them was Queen Veranke, and they were on Earth not only to fulfil the prophecy of taking over the world but also to find the missing Skrull king who was in hiding somewhere!" She had nodded at that. "Yeah, that would have been cool."
"You're aware that you own a huge collection of Marvel heroes," I said wryly, "and therefore don't need to wish for a movie because you can make it happen yourself?"
Her response was worthy of Phineas and Ferb. "I know what we're going to do next weekend, Daddy!"
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LJ presents:
PRANK INVASION (or: "WHO DAT SKRULL?")
Written by LJ and SF
Directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
Super Hero City was enjoying its first uninterrupted stretch of tranquility in a long time. It was a fact J Jonah Jameson trumpeted loudly in his daily live podcast. "And do you know why, fair citizens, things are so great?" he asked. "It's because so many of the so-called 'super heroes' are out of town! The Hero Times can reveal - via our exclusive sources, of course - that the Justice League and Ms Marvel are on a mission in deep space. Those cape-wearing weirdos, Dr Strange and Scarlet Witch, are off peddling their phoney-baloney 'magic' in some 'outer dimension' or such nonsense. With only the Avengers at home and most of them still recovering from," Jonah chuckled, "their zoology issues, we normal people are free to make this city great once again!"
Jonah's rant was interrupted by a caller - it was the manager of the Super Hero City Savings and Loan. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Jameson," she chided. "The Avengers and the Justice League have kept this city safe time and again. They protect the whole world! They don't deserve your scorn, you sad little man - they deserve everyone's respect!"
Jonah fired back, of course, and the debate raged. In Avengers Mansion, the amazing Spider-Man turned away from his laptop's web browser with a sigh. "There's one tune that'll never change," he grimaced. "Mind you, the old blowhard's right about one thing - it really is quiet today. Maybe we deserve a break."
Spidey's wife, Mary Jane, agreed. So much so, in fact, that she hustled Aunt May and Alfred out the door. "You two barely get any time together," she said, ignoring the older couple's polite protests. "I've gotten pretty good at operating J.A.R.V.I.S. so let me keep an eye on things here. Go on, have a picnic in the city."
Hulk lumbered past. "Yuck, old person love," he gagged.
MJ ignored him as she shuffled Aunt May and Alfred toward the door. "Now scoot, you guys!" She smiled at Spidey. "We can occupy ourselves - right, Tiger?"
Grinning beneath his mask, Spidey bounded toward the kitchen to make some snacks. Mary Jane watched her husband go... then her face hardened. She raised a hand to one ear, as if listening to a hidden communication device, then barked a short command. "Execute."
In the top floor stable, Thor stiffened. Before his loyal steed, Sleipnir, could react, the God of Thunder knocked the eight-legged horse out with a sweep of his enchanted hammer. Across the hall, in the holographic training room, Hawkeye and Black Widow were testing their skills. When her long-time partner's back was turned, Widow viciously stung him with a barrage of electro-shock "bites". She strode into the hallway, as did Thor. They looked at one another, expressions stony, and in unison said: "As it is written."
Deadpool was next - as he strolled out of his under-stairs room, Thor caved his face in with a hammer strike. Hulk was caught off-guard when, impossibly, Thor squeezed up out the toilet and bashed him unconscious. Black Widow tried to choke Captain America from behind but the super-soldier was always on alert; he avoided her attack and sparked a running battle up and down the stairs. He fell, however, when Widow and Thor transformed their limbs into additional weapons and bludgeoned him into submission. Poor Spidey, popcorn in hand, arrived just in time to see it... and to witness the sour look on his wife's lovely features. "But," he stammered, "my spider-sense never went off..."
"That's because I wasn't a threat to you," Mary Jane smiled nastily, "until now." Her arms grew into claws that enveloped and crushed the web-slinger. Her cruel work done, the super model turned to the super spy and superhero. "Signal the others," she snapped.
"Already done," Thor said smugly.
"Good," Mary Jane replied. "All that is left, then, is to greet our new slave population and find my husband."
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Far away in Villainville, MODOK desperately beat on Dr Doom's door. The tyrant had slept in... which was probably for the best. MODOK was the sole survivor of a brutal sneak-attack launched by Magneto and Doctor Octopus. The duo had turned on their comrades, commandeered the Doomwalker all but leveled the flat-packed castle! "They were headed for the city," MODOK wailed. "Nothing could stop them!"
High above it all, Maria Hill drew her gun as she crossed the deck of the SHIELD Helicarrier. Nick Fury stood at the very edge, staring out into the clouds. "I know you're there, Maria," he said lightly. "Or should I say I know you're there, person pretending to be Maria." He turned around and savoured the shock on her face. "Yeah, I figured you for an infiltrator a few days ago - thought I'd wait until you made your play, see what I could learn. So who're you working for, lady? Hydra back in business? A.I.M. looking to expand again? I doubt Doom would have the guts for this sort of tactic."
'Maria' hissed. "I serve no feeble human," she spat. Her flesh rippled and her skin-tone changed. The brilliant green hue stretched from the tips of her pointed ears all the way down to her craggy, protruding jaw. "As it is written," she sneered - and fired three shots point-black into Fury's chest! The super spy coughed, choked and collapsed onto the deck... in a shower of sparks and loose parts. The Skrull had shot a Life Model Decoy while the real Fury escaped in the Helicarrier's air-speeder!
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Iron Man returned from a business meeting to a cold, silent Avengers Mansion. J.A.R.V.I.S. was offline and his friends, barely conscious, were spouting nonsense. Spidey kept saying his wife had hit him, Cap and Hawkeye claimed Natasha had gone rogue, Hulk was raging about Thor and Deadpool, well, he made the least sense of all. "He caved in my face," the merc screamed. "My face! I know it's not pretty, I know it looks like week-old regurgitated pizza but it's still my face, you know? And just because it heals doesn't mean it doesn't hurt! He's gone mad, Tony - absolutely viking mad! Totally, utterly viking crazy, the viking jerk! And when I say 'viking', I really mean 'word I can't say because I am a child's plaything in a game controlled by a nine-year-old girl'!"
"It wasn't Thor," said a voice from the doorway. Nick Fury stepped inside and nodded to Iron Man. "If your day's been anything like mine... and based on appearances, it has... your friends didn't do this. We're not talking mind control here. We're talking Skrulls."
"What's a Skrull?" Deadpool asked.
"Oh, that's just terrific," Iron Man groused. "Again with the shape-shifting, identity-snatching aliens."
"Who dat Skrull?" Deadpool asked.
"As I know from personal experience," Captain America said, "they can impersonate anyone... copy their memories and their skills... and be indistinguishable from the original. Thor, Natasha and the others could have been kidnapped weeks, or even months, ago."
"Months?" Spidey gulped. "You mean MJ was really... eww. I think I need to lie down. Or be sick. Or both."
"I'm a Skrull," Deadpool cried, jumping on the spot and waving a hand. "Me, me, I'm an alien invader!"
"Two minutes ago you didn't even know what a Skrull was," Hawkeye scowled.
"But now I do," Deadpool said brightly, "and I know I am one. Who dat Skrull? I dat Skrull!"
Iron Man shot him in the face with a repulsor blast. There was a crash as Deadpool flew into the nearest wall, a soft mewling, and finally silence. Freed of distractions, the billionaire genius went about planning a counter-attack. He and Fury would stay in the mansion and boot up his old Skrull-detection software in order to find their base of operations. Cap, Hulk, Hawkeye, Spidey and Deadpool would head for the city to intercept the fake heroes. Spidey wasn't happy with that; he wanted to go rescue MJ immediately. When Hulk reminded him Aunt May was in the city, the web-slinger's focus (and characteristic guilt-laden self-recrimination) shifted to the task at hand.
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Meanwhile, the Hero Times was broadcasting another live podcast... starring Mary Jane! "Citizens of Super Hero City," she said. "You, and everyone else in your miserable 'society', have always looked up to those smarter, prettier and better than you. Well there's no one smarter, prettier or better than me, so you'd best fall to your knees and worship your new queen." The camera panned to show the Helicarrier hovering over the city and the Doomwalker patrolling its outskirts. Both vehicles had their awesome weaponry trained on the people in the streets - including Jonah, his cameraman and the bank manager. "Soon I will be joined by my king," MJ's imposter continued, "and the reign of the Skrull Empire shall begin anew!"
One citizen, however, had evaded the Skrull's dragnet. Dr Skelios, the city's lovably incompetent doctor, moved from building to building like a ninja. He made his way to City Hall and, with surprising stealth and grace, spirited the Mayor out safely. "You need to come with me," he whispered. "I'm here to save you. We're going straight to Avengers Mansion."
"Just hold on a minute," the Mayor blustered. "You're a doctor - and not even a very good one! What makes you think you can save me?"
Skelios winced as if what he was about to say physically hurt. "Because I'm the Skrull king she's looking for," he said.
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Unaware of this revelation, the Avengers launched their assault. Hawkeye and Hulk were the first wave. The archer brought the Hovercar over the Helicarrier, and then the jade giant leaped from it. He slammed into the mighty airship with tremendous force, sending MJ-Skrull and Maria-Skrull tumbling down onto the streets. He and Hawkeye confronted Widow-Skrull while Cap tackled Magneto-Skrull and Ock-Skrull at the Doomwalker. Thor-Skrull moved to help but was intercepted by a fighting-mad Deadpool. He jumped off the bank's roof and onto his foe's back, swords flashing. "I am viking sick of you, man," he screamed. The bickering twosome crashed into - and through - a series of buildings. "I'm glad we broke that fourth wall," Deadpool said happily.
MJ-Skrull hit the ground, dusted herself off... and came face-to-face with one angry Spider-Man. "You've got to stop this, MJ," he said darkly.
"Are you really that dense?" the faux super model growled. "I am not your wife, little man!"
"You've got no idea how many thousands of men have been waiting to hear you say those words," Spidey quipped, "especially one guy named Joe Quesada!"
The imposter responded by forming her arms into axes and chopping at him. Spidey dodged the blows - and the shots fired by Maria-Skrull - and retaliated with balls of impact webbing.
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Back at the mansion, Iron Man and Nick Fury were experiencing a rather odd moment. Dr Skelios was telling them he was a Skrull and the Mayor was refusing to let them blast him. "It's true, I'm the king of the Skrulls," Skelios explained. "I hoped I could make my people more peaceful and lead them out of our war-like ways. But my arranged-marriage queen, Veranke, wanted to conquer Earth. She was convinced this world was promised to us by our holy book. She's read it wrong - misinterpreted the word of our god. When I saw I could not stop her evil plans, I stole a spaceship and came here to hide."
"You're telling us you've always been a Skrull?" Iron Man asked. "And there never was a real Dr Skelios? And that Skelios isn't a Greek name but a Skrull name? And that this is the reason why you've always been such a terrible doctor? My mind is blown, man!"
"I did my best," Skelios groused. "Anyway, that's not important right now. I'm here to help. We need to stop Veranke and rescue your friends. The Skrulls will have a staging ship somewhere in space..."
"That's what I've been working on," Iron Man said proudly. "Veranke out-thought herself this time. Last time she invaded, I couldn't use my technology to look for Skrulls without a virus infecting my systems. This time she took out J.A.R.V.I.S. and actually did me a favour. Now I can run my Skrull-finding software without doing any damage to Stark Industry's systems, and..."
"Or," Skelios interrupted, pushing his way to the computer console, "you could let the rebellious king use his knowledge of Skrull frequencies to home in directly on the ship." He pushed some buttons and twirled some knobs. "Aha," he said at last. "There it is - 1.2 million kilometres past Mercury. That's where your captured friends will be."
Iron Man pulled on his helmet and activated his communicator. "Spidey," he said, "we've found your missus." He looked up, as if he could see through the ceiling of the science room and into Thor's rooftop stable. "And I think I might have found you a ride, too."
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Veranke's Skrulls were an invading force but the Avengers were a team - and heroic team work will always trump militaristic greed.
It happened faster than the Skrulls could register. Iron Man and Fury, riding the air-speeder, dove out of the sunlight and peppered the battlefield with repulsors and lasers. Sleipnir took advantage of the distraction, charging in alongside Spider-Man and kicking Veranke with four of its eight legs. As the would-be queen flew through the air, the web-slinger leaped atop the Asgardian steed and they made all speed for orbit. When Veranke recovered, she found a familiar form standing over her.
"Milady," Skelios said gravely. He had allowed his human form to slip. His permanent five o'clock shadow now stretched across a green, Skrully chin while long pointy ears rose from his thick black hair. "The time has come for you and your forces to leave."
"And why would we leave our home?" Veranke asked. "Dear husband, we are here to claim the world promised to us by prophecy and the husband betrothed to me by the laws of marriage. Come stand by me, my king, as we fulfill the potential of this 'Earth'."
"That isn't going to happen," Skelios replied. "The Avengers will stop you." He took a deep breath. "I will stop you."
Veranke laughed. "Now that, I'd like to see." Morphing her hands into weapons, she attacked.
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Years ago, before the bite of a radioactive spider, Peter Parker had been a humble teenage science nerd. In spite of all he'd seen and done in his years as a super hero, that same curiousity and wonder was still a big part of his being. And so, as he rode a magical eight-legged purple pony through space, somehow still breathing, headed for a spot 1.2 million kilometres past Mercury, the amazing Spider-Man was himself amazed.
"It may make no sense," he said, gripping Sleipnir's mane tight, "but that doesn't stop it being so very cool!"
The Skrull ship hung in the void before them - a midnight-coloured dagger of alien technology. If Skelios was right ("and telling the truth," Spidey thought ruefully) it would be deserted; Veranke would have committed all her forces to the invasion and placed her trust in the ship's oscillating force field. Such automated defences were, however, no match for an ingenious web-spinner and a dimension-crossing horse. By combining their skills, Spidey and Sleipnir passed undetected through the barrier and made their way aboard the ship.
The unlikely duo found the captives, friend and foe alike, in cells lining the back of the control room. The prisoners were incredibly unhappy about their predicament (especially Doctor Octopus, who rambled about someone "stealing my genius") but Spidey only had eyes for his wife. He went into her cell before releasing any of the others and gave her a great big hug and kiss. "I have a confession to make," he said. "I kind of kissed your Skrull duplicate once or twice."
MJ favoured him with a wry smile. "Under the circumstances, Tiger, you can be forgiven."
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The battle on Earth went very, very poorly for the Skrulls. Adding Iron Man, Fury and Skelios to the fight only hastened the demise of Veranke's forces. Widow-Skrull lasted the longest; she turned on the tears and claimed to be the real Natasha Romanov, mutated by Skrull science and brainwashed into joining the invasion. Hulk hesitated but Hawkeye did not - he fired an explosive arrow that caused her to stagger back, fall off the deck of the Helicarrier and into one of its engines, which unceremoniously minced her. Hulk was shocked but Hawkeye just shrugged. "The real Natasha would never be so girly as to let anyone see her cry," he said.
For someone who didn't like to fight, Skelios was more than holding his own against Veranke. "You read the words of our holy book," he said, "but you didn't read between the lines, Veranke. Earth is not ours to own - it's ours to protect, to nurture, to help. Now is the time for the Skrulls to abandon warfare and conquest and truly transform as a people. We need to change more than our shapes, we need to change ourselves!"
"Liar! Blasphemer!" Veranke shrieked. She pulled a remote control from the pocket of MJ's super-stylish trousers. "I'll see this world destroyed before I turn my back on our way of life!" She raised the control - a direct link to her starship's weaponry - high, stabbed the button and... nothing happened.
A shadow fell over the battlefield as the Skrull cruiser, piloted by Doctor Octopus ("I have enough arms to run an entire cockpit!"), pierced Earth's atmosphere. Sleipnir stormed down to the streets, carrying Spidey and MJ on its back. The model slipped deftly off the enchanted steed, walked briskly over to the gob-smacked Veranke and leveled her with a single, powerful slap! "That's for kissing my man," she snarled.
The citizens of Super Hero City cheered - the invasion had been thwarted! Ock and Magneto were allowed to return to Villainville with the Doomwalker. Fury and the real Maria Hill took the Skrulls into custody (and scooped up the rapidly-reforming chunks of Widow-Skrull). The Avengers gave their missing friends a hearty welcome home and J Jonah Jameson... well, he was a jerk.
"There has been a Skrull loose in our fair city this whole time," he barked, jabbing a finger at Skelios. "Listening to our conversations! Reading our medical records! Checking our temperatures, if you know what I mean! He might have poisoned us all with infected tongue depressors! Injected us with diseases instead of vaccinations! Put mind control circuitry in our artificial hips! He must be banished from the city immediately!"
"No," the manager of the Super Hero City Savings and Loan shouted. "Skelios has never done any of us harm... well, not deliberately, anyway," she said. "He's only ever tried to help and be a healer, not a destroyer. Our town has always welcomed those who are different, from former Russian spies to Martians and Norse gods. Why should we turn our backs on a member of our community just because he's from a different place? I stay Skelios should stay!"
"And I agree," the Mayor said, silencing all debate. "Skelios saved my life, after all, and there's no deed more heroic than that! I hereby appoint him Super Hero City's official Skrull ambassador and spokesman for interplanetary relations!" He leaned over to Skelios. "Oh, but you'd better get studying if you want to keep your medical licence. There are limits to my mayoral powers, you know."
Again the citizens cheered, and this time the Avengers joined in. Skelios was grateful and humbled... and more than a little surprised when the bank manager took him by the hand and smiled. Almost everyone was pleased to see it. Jonah, unsurprisingly, complained. Hulk, meanwhile, screwed up his nose.
"Yuck," he groused. "Old person love!"
-----THE END-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF
This one had its genesis last week, actually. "I wish they'd used the Skrulls in Avengers instead of the Chitauri," LJ had sighed. "Like, they could have done this really cool thing where we found out some of the characters were actually Skrulls, and one of them was Queen Veranke, and they were on Earth not only to fulfil the prophecy of taking over the world but also to find the missing Skrull king who was in hiding somewhere!" She had nodded at that. "Yeah, that would have been cool."
"You're aware that you own a huge collection of Marvel heroes," I said wryly, "and therefore don't need to wish for a movie because you can make it happen yourself?"
Her response was worthy of Phineas and Ferb. "I know what we're going to do next weekend, Daddy!"
----------
LJ presents:
PRANK INVASION (or: "WHO DAT SKRULL?")
Written by LJ and SF
Directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
Super Hero City was enjoying its first uninterrupted stretch of tranquility in a long time. It was a fact J Jonah Jameson trumpeted loudly in his daily live podcast. "And do you know why, fair citizens, things are so great?" he asked. "It's because so many of the so-called 'super heroes' are out of town! The Hero Times can reveal - via our exclusive sources, of course - that the Justice League and Ms Marvel are on a mission in deep space. Those cape-wearing weirdos, Dr Strange and Scarlet Witch, are off peddling their phoney-baloney 'magic' in some 'outer dimension' or such nonsense. With only the Avengers at home and most of them still recovering from," Jonah chuckled, "their zoology issues, we normal people are free to make this city great once again!"
Jonah's rant was interrupted by a caller - it was the manager of the Super Hero City Savings and Loan. "You should be ashamed of yourself, Jameson," she chided. "The Avengers and the Justice League have kept this city safe time and again. They protect the whole world! They don't deserve your scorn, you sad little man - they deserve everyone's respect!"
Jonah fired back, of course, and the debate raged. In Avengers Mansion, the amazing Spider-Man turned away from his laptop's web browser with a sigh. "There's one tune that'll never change," he grimaced. "Mind you, the old blowhard's right about one thing - it really is quiet today. Maybe we deserve a break."
Spidey's wife, Mary Jane, agreed. So much so, in fact, that she hustled Aunt May and Alfred out the door. "You two barely get any time together," she said, ignoring the older couple's polite protests. "I've gotten pretty good at operating J.A.R.V.I.S. so let me keep an eye on things here. Go on, have a picnic in the city."
Hulk lumbered past. "Yuck, old person love," he gagged.
MJ ignored him as she shuffled Aunt May and Alfred toward the door. "Now scoot, you guys!" She smiled at Spidey. "We can occupy ourselves - right, Tiger?"
Grinning beneath his mask, Spidey bounded toward the kitchen to make some snacks. Mary Jane watched her husband go... then her face hardened. She raised a hand to one ear, as if listening to a hidden communication device, then barked a short command. "Execute."
In the top floor stable, Thor stiffened. Before his loyal steed, Sleipnir, could react, the God of Thunder knocked the eight-legged horse out with a sweep of his enchanted hammer. Across the hall, in the holographic training room, Hawkeye and Black Widow were testing their skills. When her long-time partner's back was turned, Widow viciously stung him with a barrage of electro-shock "bites". She strode into the hallway, as did Thor. They looked at one another, expressions stony, and in unison said: "As it is written."
Deadpool was next - as he strolled out of his under-stairs room, Thor caved his face in with a hammer strike. Hulk was caught off-guard when, impossibly, Thor squeezed up out the toilet and bashed him unconscious. Black Widow tried to choke Captain America from behind but the super-soldier was always on alert; he avoided her attack and sparked a running battle up and down the stairs. He fell, however, when Widow and Thor transformed their limbs into additional weapons and bludgeoned him into submission. Poor Spidey, popcorn in hand, arrived just in time to see it... and to witness the sour look on his wife's lovely features. "But," he stammered, "my spider-sense never went off..."
"That's because I wasn't a threat to you," Mary Jane smiled nastily, "until now." Her arms grew into claws that enveloped and crushed the web-slinger. Her cruel work done, the super model turned to the super spy and superhero. "Signal the others," she snapped.
"Already done," Thor said smugly.
"Good," Mary Jane replied. "All that is left, then, is to greet our new slave population and find my husband."
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Far away in Villainville, MODOK desperately beat on Dr Doom's door. The tyrant had slept in... which was probably for the best. MODOK was the sole survivor of a brutal sneak-attack launched by Magneto and Doctor Octopus. The duo had turned on their comrades, commandeered the Doomwalker all but leveled the flat-packed castle! "They were headed for the city," MODOK wailed. "Nothing could stop them!"
High above it all, Maria Hill drew her gun as she crossed the deck of the SHIELD Helicarrier. Nick Fury stood at the very edge, staring out into the clouds. "I know you're there, Maria," he said lightly. "Or should I say I know you're there, person pretending to be Maria." He turned around and savoured the shock on her face. "Yeah, I figured you for an infiltrator a few days ago - thought I'd wait until you made your play, see what I could learn. So who're you working for, lady? Hydra back in business? A.I.M. looking to expand again? I doubt Doom would have the guts for this sort of tactic."
'Maria' hissed. "I serve no feeble human," she spat. Her flesh rippled and her skin-tone changed. The brilliant green hue stretched from the tips of her pointed ears all the way down to her craggy, protruding jaw. "As it is written," she sneered - and fired three shots point-black into Fury's chest! The super spy coughed, choked and collapsed onto the deck... in a shower of sparks and loose parts. The Skrull had shot a Life Model Decoy while the real Fury escaped in the Helicarrier's air-speeder!
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Iron Man returned from a business meeting to a cold, silent Avengers Mansion. J.A.R.V.I.S. was offline and his friends, barely conscious, were spouting nonsense. Spidey kept saying his wife had hit him, Cap and Hawkeye claimed Natasha had gone rogue, Hulk was raging about Thor and Deadpool, well, he made the least sense of all. "He caved in my face," the merc screamed. "My face! I know it's not pretty, I know it looks like week-old regurgitated pizza but it's still my face, you know? And just because it heals doesn't mean it doesn't hurt! He's gone mad, Tony - absolutely viking mad! Totally, utterly viking crazy, the viking jerk! And when I say 'viking', I really mean 'word I can't say because I am a child's plaything in a game controlled by a nine-year-old girl'!"
"It wasn't Thor," said a voice from the doorway. Nick Fury stepped inside and nodded to Iron Man. "If your day's been anything like mine... and based on appearances, it has... your friends didn't do this. We're not talking mind control here. We're talking Skrulls."
"What's a Skrull?" Deadpool asked.
"Oh, that's just terrific," Iron Man groused. "Again with the shape-shifting, identity-snatching aliens."
"Who dat Skrull?" Deadpool asked.
"As I know from personal experience," Captain America said, "they can impersonate anyone... copy their memories and their skills... and be indistinguishable from the original. Thor, Natasha and the others could have been kidnapped weeks, or even months, ago."
"Months?" Spidey gulped. "You mean MJ was really... eww. I think I need to lie down. Or be sick. Or both."
"I'm a Skrull," Deadpool cried, jumping on the spot and waving a hand. "Me, me, I'm an alien invader!"
"Two minutes ago you didn't even know what a Skrull was," Hawkeye scowled.
"But now I do," Deadpool said brightly, "and I know I am one. Who dat Skrull? I dat Skrull!"
Iron Man shot him in the face with a repulsor blast. There was a crash as Deadpool flew into the nearest wall, a soft mewling, and finally silence. Freed of distractions, the billionaire genius went about planning a counter-attack. He and Fury would stay in the mansion and boot up his old Skrull-detection software in order to find their base of operations. Cap, Hulk, Hawkeye, Spidey and Deadpool would head for the city to intercept the fake heroes. Spidey wasn't happy with that; he wanted to go rescue MJ immediately. When Hulk reminded him Aunt May was in the city, the web-slinger's focus (and characteristic guilt-laden self-recrimination) shifted to the task at hand.
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Meanwhile, the Hero Times was broadcasting another live podcast... starring Mary Jane! "Citizens of Super Hero City," she said. "You, and everyone else in your miserable 'society', have always looked up to those smarter, prettier and better than you. Well there's no one smarter, prettier or better than me, so you'd best fall to your knees and worship your new queen." The camera panned to show the Helicarrier hovering over the city and the Doomwalker patrolling its outskirts. Both vehicles had their awesome weaponry trained on the people in the streets - including Jonah, his cameraman and the bank manager. "Soon I will be joined by my king," MJ's imposter continued, "and the reign of the Skrull Empire shall begin anew!"
One citizen, however, had evaded the Skrull's dragnet. Dr Skelios, the city's lovably incompetent doctor, moved from building to building like a ninja. He made his way to City Hall and, with surprising stealth and grace, spirited the Mayor out safely. "You need to come with me," he whispered. "I'm here to save you. We're going straight to Avengers Mansion."
"Just hold on a minute," the Mayor blustered. "You're a doctor - and not even a very good one! What makes you think you can save me?"
Skelios winced as if what he was about to say physically hurt. "Because I'm the Skrull king she's looking for," he said.
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Unaware of this revelation, the Avengers launched their assault. Hawkeye and Hulk were the first wave. The archer brought the Hovercar over the Helicarrier, and then the jade giant leaped from it. He slammed into the mighty airship with tremendous force, sending MJ-Skrull and Maria-Skrull tumbling down onto the streets. He and Hawkeye confronted Widow-Skrull while Cap tackled Magneto-Skrull and Ock-Skrull at the Doomwalker. Thor-Skrull moved to help but was intercepted by a fighting-mad Deadpool. He jumped off the bank's roof and onto his foe's back, swords flashing. "I am viking sick of you, man," he screamed. The bickering twosome crashed into - and through - a series of buildings. "I'm glad we broke that fourth wall," Deadpool said happily.
MJ-Skrull hit the ground, dusted herself off... and came face-to-face with one angry Spider-Man. "You've got to stop this, MJ," he said darkly.
"Are you really that dense?" the faux super model growled. "I am not your wife, little man!"
"You've got no idea how many thousands of men have been waiting to hear you say those words," Spidey quipped, "especially one guy named Joe Quesada!"
The imposter responded by forming her arms into axes and chopping at him. Spidey dodged the blows - and the shots fired by Maria-Skrull - and retaliated with balls of impact webbing.
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Back at the mansion, Iron Man and Nick Fury were experiencing a rather odd moment. Dr Skelios was telling them he was a Skrull and the Mayor was refusing to let them blast him. "It's true, I'm the king of the Skrulls," Skelios explained. "I hoped I could make my people more peaceful and lead them out of our war-like ways. But my arranged-marriage queen, Veranke, wanted to conquer Earth. She was convinced this world was promised to us by our holy book. She's read it wrong - misinterpreted the word of our god. When I saw I could not stop her evil plans, I stole a spaceship and came here to hide."
"You're telling us you've always been a Skrull?" Iron Man asked. "And there never was a real Dr Skelios? And that Skelios isn't a Greek name but a Skrull name? And that this is the reason why you've always been such a terrible doctor? My mind is blown, man!"
"I did my best," Skelios groused. "Anyway, that's not important right now. I'm here to help. We need to stop Veranke and rescue your friends. The Skrulls will have a staging ship somewhere in space..."
"That's what I've been working on," Iron Man said proudly. "Veranke out-thought herself this time. Last time she invaded, I couldn't use my technology to look for Skrulls without a virus infecting my systems. This time she took out J.A.R.V.I.S. and actually did me a favour. Now I can run my Skrull-finding software without doing any damage to Stark Industry's systems, and..."
"Or," Skelios interrupted, pushing his way to the computer console, "you could let the rebellious king use his knowledge of Skrull frequencies to home in directly on the ship." He pushed some buttons and twirled some knobs. "Aha," he said at last. "There it is - 1.2 million kilometres past Mercury. That's where your captured friends will be."
Iron Man pulled on his helmet and activated his communicator. "Spidey," he said, "we've found your missus." He looked up, as if he could see through the ceiling of the science room and into Thor's rooftop stable. "And I think I might have found you a ride, too."
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Veranke's Skrulls were an invading force but the Avengers were a team - and heroic team work will always trump militaristic greed.
It happened faster than the Skrulls could register. Iron Man and Fury, riding the air-speeder, dove out of the sunlight and peppered the battlefield with repulsors and lasers. Sleipnir took advantage of the distraction, charging in alongside Spider-Man and kicking Veranke with four of its eight legs. As the would-be queen flew through the air, the web-slinger leaped atop the Asgardian steed and they made all speed for orbit. When Veranke recovered, she found a familiar form standing over her.
"Milady," Skelios said gravely. He had allowed his human form to slip. His permanent five o'clock shadow now stretched across a green, Skrully chin while long pointy ears rose from his thick black hair. "The time has come for you and your forces to leave."
"And why would we leave our home?" Veranke asked. "Dear husband, we are here to claim the world promised to us by prophecy and the husband betrothed to me by the laws of marriage. Come stand by me, my king, as we fulfill the potential of this 'Earth'."
"That isn't going to happen," Skelios replied. "The Avengers will stop you." He took a deep breath. "I will stop you."
Veranke laughed. "Now that, I'd like to see." Morphing her hands into weapons, she attacked.
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Years ago, before the bite of a radioactive spider, Peter Parker had been a humble teenage science nerd. In spite of all he'd seen and done in his years as a super hero, that same curiousity and wonder was still a big part of his being. And so, as he rode a magical eight-legged purple pony through space, somehow still breathing, headed for a spot 1.2 million kilometres past Mercury, the amazing Spider-Man was himself amazed.
"It may make no sense," he said, gripping Sleipnir's mane tight, "but that doesn't stop it being so very cool!"
The Skrull ship hung in the void before them - a midnight-coloured dagger of alien technology. If Skelios was right ("and telling the truth," Spidey thought ruefully) it would be deserted; Veranke would have committed all her forces to the invasion and placed her trust in the ship's oscillating force field. Such automated defences were, however, no match for an ingenious web-spinner and a dimension-crossing horse. By combining their skills, Spidey and Sleipnir passed undetected through the barrier and made their way aboard the ship.
The unlikely duo found the captives, friend and foe alike, in cells lining the back of the control room. The prisoners were incredibly unhappy about their predicament (especially Doctor Octopus, who rambled about someone "stealing my genius") but Spidey only had eyes for his wife. He went into her cell before releasing any of the others and gave her a great big hug and kiss. "I have a confession to make," he said. "I kind of kissed your Skrull duplicate once or twice."
MJ favoured him with a wry smile. "Under the circumstances, Tiger, you can be forgiven."
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The battle on Earth went very, very poorly for the Skrulls. Adding Iron Man, Fury and Skelios to the fight only hastened the demise of Veranke's forces. Widow-Skrull lasted the longest; she turned on the tears and claimed to be the real Natasha Romanov, mutated by Skrull science and brainwashed into joining the invasion. Hulk hesitated but Hawkeye did not - he fired an explosive arrow that caused her to stagger back, fall off the deck of the Helicarrier and into one of its engines, which unceremoniously minced her. Hulk was shocked but Hawkeye just shrugged. "The real Natasha would never be so girly as to let anyone see her cry," he said.
For someone who didn't like to fight, Skelios was more than holding his own against Veranke. "You read the words of our holy book," he said, "but you didn't read between the lines, Veranke. Earth is not ours to own - it's ours to protect, to nurture, to help. Now is the time for the Skrulls to abandon warfare and conquest and truly transform as a people. We need to change more than our shapes, we need to change ourselves!"
"Liar! Blasphemer!" Veranke shrieked. She pulled a remote control from the pocket of MJ's super-stylish trousers. "I'll see this world destroyed before I turn my back on our way of life!" She raised the control - a direct link to her starship's weaponry - high, stabbed the button and... nothing happened.
A shadow fell over the battlefield as the Skrull cruiser, piloted by Doctor Octopus ("I have enough arms to run an entire cockpit!"), pierced Earth's atmosphere. Sleipnir stormed down to the streets, carrying Spidey and MJ on its back. The model slipped deftly off the enchanted steed, walked briskly over to the gob-smacked Veranke and leveled her with a single, powerful slap! "That's for kissing my man," she snarled.
The citizens of Super Hero City cheered - the invasion had been thwarted! Ock and Magneto were allowed to return to Villainville with the Doomwalker. Fury and the real Maria Hill took the Skrulls into custody (and scooped up the rapidly-reforming chunks of Widow-Skrull). The Avengers gave their missing friends a hearty welcome home and J Jonah Jameson... well, he was a jerk.
"There has been a Skrull loose in our fair city this whole time," he barked, jabbing a finger at Skelios. "Listening to our conversations! Reading our medical records! Checking our temperatures, if you know what I mean! He might have poisoned us all with infected tongue depressors! Injected us with diseases instead of vaccinations! Put mind control circuitry in our artificial hips! He must be banished from the city immediately!"
"No," the manager of the Super Hero City Savings and Loan shouted. "Skelios has never done any of us harm... well, not deliberately, anyway," she said. "He's only ever tried to help and be a healer, not a destroyer. Our town has always welcomed those who are different, from former Russian spies to Martians and Norse gods. Why should we turn our backs on a member of our community just because he's from a different place? I stay Skelios should stay!"
"And I agree," the Mayor said, silencing all debate. "Skelios saved my life, after all, and there's no deed more heroic than that! I hereby appoint him Super Hero City's official Skrull ambassador and spokesman for interplanetary relations!" He leaned over to Skelios. "Oh, but you'd better get studying if you want to keep your medical licence. There are limits to my mayoral powers, you know."
Again the citizens cheered, and this time the Avengers joined in. Skelios was grateful and humbled... and more than a little surprised when the bank manager took him by the hand and smiled. Almost everyone was pleased to see it. Jonah, unsurprisingly, complained. Hulk, meanwhile, screwed up his nose.
"Yuck," he groused. "Old person love!"
-----THE END-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF