LJ presents: Madtrap!
When it comes to concocting epic ideas, LJ and I have a system: one of us comes up with the pizza base, while the other is responsible for the toppings.
Conjuring adventures such as hers doesn't happen on the fly, you know. There's a reason that, usually, we only play one game a week. It takes seven days of careful thought, planning and imagination to pull of high-octane action-figure mini-movies like hers, and it's a team effort. One of us will suggest the central theme - the "pizza base" - onto which the other will pile jokes, character moments, cool props and crazy fight scenes - the "toppings" - until we have a game neither of us can wait to play.
I had the base for this weekend's extravaganza, but had to finish some housework before I could join in the fun. By the time I'd returned, LJ had turned her bedroom into the single biggest challenge - and most terrifying nightmare - the mighty Avengers had ever faced. From the doorway to the window, from the floor to the bedside table, LJ had cast my idea around her room to create a...
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LJ presents:
MADTRAP!
Written by LJ and SF
Directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
The Hulk couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so comfortably. He settled his enormous green body into the soft, cushy floor of his cell and let out a sigh of relief. "This place not so bad," he muttered to himself. "Woken up in lot worse prisons." A sudden jolt of intelligence energised his oft-primitive mind. "Hold on minute - prison?" His characteristic rage swelling, Hulk stood up and looked more carefully at his surroundings.
He was in prison, all right... a spongy, supple, flexible cell that absorbed his every blow! Try as he might, Hulk could not punch his way out of the pillowy penitentiary. "Why there nothing to smash?" he bellowed in frustration. He tried ramming the walls but his hip and shoulder just sunk into the thick, pliable barriers. With no other option, Hulk sat in the middle of the cell and sulked. While pouting, he heard a familiar voice nearby, grunting with exertion.
"Hammer man?" he asked cautiously. "That you?"
In the cell next door, Thor - thunder god and prince of Asgard - was trapped beneath a massive object. Though it was an enormous copy of his own mystical hammer, Mjolnir, it did not respond to his commands. "Ho, friend Hulk," Thor grimaced. "I will be with you anon, as soon as I have found means to free myself from this unholy homage."
Hulk peered through the folds of his cell and snickered. "What's the matter? Hammer man not strong enough?"
Thor ignored him and summoned a lightning bolt. The sizzling energy crackled over the faux-Mjolnir with no effect, and vented its fury on Thor instead. "Strength would appear to be the problem," Thor snapped at Hulk. "Whatsoever I do to yon hammer, it doth deliver back unto me! The more godly strength I exert, the greater it press upon me... and even mine powers are turned around! Tis mischief most foul!"
"Stay calm, soldier," came an inspiring voice from the other side of Hulk's cell.
Hulk frowned. "Flag face stuck here, too?"
Captain America had awoken atop a flimsy, rickety pontoon floating on a pool of deep, dark water. He had to stand very still in order to keep his balance and not tumble over the side where, he feared, any manner of vicious sea-creature lurked. But even if the pontoon had been stable and the water safe, Cap could not have taken a dive - because his own shield whizzed around him in a circle, pulled by hidden magnets, to create a deadly, slicing barrier.
"Panicking won't do any of us any good," Cap continued, hoping to hide his own concern. "We need to put our heads together and figure a way out of this mess."
"Easy for you to say," someone snapped from across the corridor. "You're not about to get blown butt-first into a really nasty-looking lake of acid!"
Hawkeye's prison was also a pontoon, this one atop a vat of foul-smelling acid. Perfectly smooth, it offered the archer no hand-hold to combat the giant fan set over the cell door. It blew him mercilessly backward and stopped him from shooting a grapple-arrow to save himself. All he could do was dig arrow-heads into the frictionless surface and use them like pitons to try and climb out of danger.
"I'm pretty far past panic and into get-me-the-heck-outta-here," Hawkeye yelled. "If you're out there, Black Panther, now's the time for one of your annoying amazing rescues that we can't explain but are grateful to get anyway..."
After a moment's silence, the Panther answered. "I cannot get free," he said, clearly annoyed.
The Panther was, of course, the first Avenger to wake up in a cell. Long before Hulk roused, he'd explored the confines of his prison, tested its strengths and probed it for weaknesses. He'd found none, for the most shocking of reasons. "These bars are made of solid Vibranium," he explained stiffly. "None of my weaponry will affect it, nor can my suit counteract its effects. I, too, am trapped."
"You mean you don't have some kind of anti-Vibranium gizmo?" Hawkeye asked.
"Of course I do," the Panther growled. "I just... don't have it here right now."
"We're doomed," Hawkeye moaned.
Henry Pym, aka the astonishing Ant-Man, was also in dire straights. "If I try to grow to giant-size, my cell starts to shrink and crush me," he told the others. "And if I try to shrink, this giant cutting blade outside starts to wobble, as if it's going to swing like a guillotine. I have to stay precisely at my normal height if I don't want to get either squished or chopped!"
"At least you can move, Hank," called his partner, the Wasp. "Some of us aren't quite so lucky."
Of all the cells, Wasp's was arguably the most embarrassing. It was a normal, albeit reinforced, high school locker lined with super-sticky flypaper. "My wings are stuck down and I can't get them free," Wasp complained. "Eww, it's in my hair, too! And the locker must be made of something stronger than usual, because my sting blasts can't blow it open." She pouted. "This is humiliating, you guys."
"That would have to be the first time the ultra-popular Miss Van Dyne has ever found herself stuffed into a locker," someone chortled.
"This isn't funny, Tony," Wasp snapped back.
Unlike his peers, Iron Man had room to move. It just wasn't going to do him any good. Between him and the cell of his door stood two electrified, oscillating towers that slammed together at random intervals. Should he make it through them, he risked being zapped by the laser tower over his head. Assuming he avoided that, he'd either be cut to ribbons by the double-bladed cutting device or eaten alive by a container of metal-devouring nanobots! "I agree, Jan," he said at last. "This isn't funny at all."
"We need to think," Cap ordered. "What's the last thing anyone remembers?"
" Fighting Magneto," Hawkeye replied. "My head still hurts from that stoush."
"No, it was the super-villains," Thor disagreed. "Yon metal man took them away as commanded, but they did not arrive at Arkham Asylum. Did we not seek the creature out for discussion?"
"Ultron-5," Ant-Man confirmed. "We expected him to lock up Doom and his cronies, but then our sensors detected them returning to Villainville. We left Spider-Man behind to introduce Scarlet Witch to everyone and headed for Arkham but..." He trailed off. "I can't actually remember what happened next."
A squeal of feedback assailed their ears, and the Avengers realised they'd been communicating through a hidden system of microphones and speakers. "Organic brains are easily corrupted," a cruel, metallic voice sneered. "Your data-compiling capabilities are as inefficient as the rest of your flawed design. Allow me to update your software."
Video screens, camouflaged in each cell, flickered to life. Each was filled with the red-and-silver face of Ultron-5. "You are imprisoned in Arkham Asylum," the synthezoid said matter-of-factly. "And you will remain here forever, thereby completing phase one of the program."
"Phase one?" Ant-Man asked. "Ultron-5, what are you talking about? I created you to rehabilitate super-villains, end violence and bring peace to the world?"
"Correct," Ultron-5 nodded. "There was, however, a flaw in your thinking... 'father'." The robot seemed to growl the last word. "My studies of this Earth have concluded that super-villains arise in answer to super-heroes. In order to end the threat of super-villains, I must first eliminate each and every super-hero. Those are Phases One and Two of the program. I will then commence Phase Three."
"I shudder to ask," Hawkeye deadpanned.
"In order to prevent a recurrence of either the super-hero or the super-villain, the raw materials from which they are formed must be destroyed. Phase Three, therefore, will conclude only when every single human life on the face of the Earth has been extinguished. The program will then extend to other dimensions and worlds until all life, save that I create, has been eradicated. 'Peace' will then be achieved."
"Peace?" Wasp asked. "Between robotic life-forms? Have you met the Transformers?"
"I grow ever-less enchanted with the science of Midgard," Thor sighed.
Iron Man started laughing.
"Tony, what is wrong with you?" Cap asked.
"Sorry everyone," the armoured Avenger replied. "It's just... well, we're staring down the barrel of the end of the world again because of a rogue piece of technology but, for once, it's not my tech!"
"Please, Ultron-5, let's discuss this," pleaded Ant-Man. "I must have been too imprecise with my programming - maybe left a few ideas and ideals a little undefined. If you let me take a look at your logic circuits and sub-routines, I can fix what I've done."
Ultron-5's eyes glowed a hideous shade of crimson. "You've done enough already, 'father'," he snarled.
"Seconded," Hawkeye quipped.
"One of you will be spared, at least temporarily," Ultron-5 continued. The camera angle on the video screens shifted, and the Avengers saw he was standing outside Wasp's cell. "The human designated 'Janet Van Dyne' will remain operational until a new synthezoid body can be created for downloading."
"Downloading?" Wasp asked. "Hank, what's he talking about?"
"Pym, you didn't!" Iron Man yelled, serious once more. "Tell me you didn't map your own personality engrams onto Ultron-5's brain! Please, tell me this crazy robot isn't working off brain-waves identical to your own!"
Ant-Man buried his face in his hands.
"Oh no," Iron Man winced. "Ultron-5 wants to keep Jan alive long enough to copy her brain into a new synthezoid so he can have a mate... someone to love... just like Hank loves Jan!"
Wasp looked horrified. Hulk began throwing himself at the cell walls again, desperately trying to break out. "Metal-mouth stay away from Wing-girl," he raged. "No touch Wing-girl's brain, or Hulk smash you into millions of pieces!"
Ultron-5 shook his head. "We have heard enough from you, monster," he said. He tapped a button on his forearm and the microphones in Hulk's cell switched to mute. That served only to further infuriate the jade giant, who roared soundlessly as he crashed, again and again, into the unaffected walls. Ultron-5 paid this no mind as he deactivated the video screens and retired to his control room.
In his cell, Cap struggled to maintain both his balance and his patience. "Avengers, there's no time to waste. Start looking around your cells for any way to escape. Any at all. If even one of us gets out, they'll be able to free the others and we can stop Ultron-5. Hurry!" The heroes tried without success. "He's out-thought us," Cap sighed. "We can't compete with his kind of machine-driven logic."
Iron Man snapped his fingers. "We can't, but I know someone who can!" He pulled the once-hidden speaker out of his cell wall and started re-wiring it, using pieces of his own armour to boost its broadcasting capabilities. "The only way to combat logic like this is to be completely, utterly illogical - to the point of madness, in fact. And remember the first rule of business, lady and gentlemen: when you can't do it yourself, outsource it!"
Miles away, in Villainville, the Joker stretched out on a makeshift bed of laughing-gas canisters and yawned contentedly. Before he was so rudely interrupted, he'd planned on taking his annual moment of relaxation. Having secured his own release from Arkham (thanks to the distraction of the Magneto fight) and having snuck back into Villainville (managing to avoid Harley's "affections"), the clown prince of crime was finally ready for a well-deserved nap... when his phone rang.
"Whaaaaat?!!?" he demanded. "Who are you, and how did you get this number?"
It was, of course, Iron Man - the genius inventor had hacked Arkham's phone lines! The Joker listened, only half-interested, as the Avenger outlined his plight and his strange request. "And for once, it's all Ant-Man's fault," he said emphatically.
"Hey!" cried an outraged voice in the background.
"No matter what Batman does, you always manage to find a way out of Arkham Asylum," Iron Man continued. "I really can't believe I'm doing this but, Joker, we need you to come break us out of jail. The Avengers need your help."
"Let me get this straight, Ironing Board," the Joker grinned, "you and your do-gooder buddies have been flimflammed by your own pet robot, locked up in teeny-tiny cells you can't escape, the robot's planning to do the same thing to the rest of your annoying pals and you want me to stop him?" He laughed. "People call me crazy but man, Tony, you're downright delusional!"
"Joker," Iron Man said tersely, "if Ultron-5 gets rid of us, he'll kill all of humanity next."
The criminal paused mid-laugh. "He can't do that," he shrieked indignantly. "That's my job! I'm the one who gets to kill everyone - me, not some dumb malfunctioning robot!" Joker leaped to his feet, scattering the gas-drums as he grabbed his enormous green mallet. "Let me at that tin-plated Twinkie! I'll give him a dot-com crash he won't soon forget!"
An hour later, a piece of the hallway linking the Avengers' cells slid to one side, revealing a secret tunnel. From out it strode the Joker, resplendent in all his purple-and-green finery. "Ladies and gentlemen, chumps and charity cases, children of all levels of intelligence," he crowed. "The Joker is proud to present a Joker production... written, directed, and starring the Joker... of a Joker concept, copyright the Joker!"
"Will you get on with it?" Hawkeye called.
"Tsk-tsk, bowman," Joker admonished. "This is my rescue, so you'll play by my rules or I'll take my mallet and my acid and go home!" He coughed. "Now then, where was I? Oh yes: copyright the Joker! The Joker masterpiece that is... 'Joker's Greatest Escape', guest-starring some do-gooder chumps who should know better than to build robot prison guards. Hoo-ah!"
He danced from cell to cell, cackling with delight at each Avenger's distress. He paused at the door to Hulk's prison, fascinated by the mute rampage within. Then, when Hulk stormed close enough, he lifted his lapel to the door lock and squirted a dose of laughing gas through the hole. The chemical shot up Hulk's nose and, as it had once before, caused him to laugh until he transformed into Bruce Banner.
The puny scientist easily slipped between the folds of the prison to freedom. "I would never have thought of that," he said, staring in slack-jawed amazement.
"Of course you wouldn't have," Joker said, "and that's why you need me!" He reached out and slapped Banner, as hard as he could, across the face. Incensed, he turned into the Hulk again. "You're welcome," Joker sang, skipping away to the next cell. Hulk scowled.
He visited Captain America next. "The Star-Spangled Man with the Plan," he cheered, snapping into a sharp salute.
"How do you know about that?" Cap asked.
"Come now, mon capitano, do you think we villains get cable television in our secret lairs? Of course not! We have to watch whatever we find lying around... even old newsreels!" Joker cast one eye over the cell. "Ooh now, isn't this a doozy. Well, not really. Quite lacking in imagination when you think about it. I mean, what would happen if the prisoner reached out with his super-human reflexes, grabbed the shield with his super-human grip and held on with his super-human endurance, hmm?"
Cap understood. Gritting his teeth, he followed the Joker's advice. The shield pulled him along with frightening force and threatened to wrench his arm from its socket, but he refused to yield. The extra weight threw off the weapon's orbit and, eventually, its rotations widened until it crashed through the cell walls and into the corridor! As Cap struggled to his feet, the Joker brushed a speck of dust from one of his cowl-wings. "Escape's easy," he offered, "when you take self-preservation out of the mix."
"No wonder," Cap coughed, "we've never been able to cage you."
"Quite right," Joker nodded. He strolled over to Thor and laughed hysterically. Angry and embarrassed, the thunder god demanded to be let in on the joke. "The only thing trapping you, muscles, is that miniscule Asgardian brain of yours," the villain cackled. "Think on this, mallet-mullet: if the big hammer pushes back on you as hard as you push on it, then what happens when you stop pushing on it?"
Thor thought for a moment. "Oh," he said, unimpressed. He relaxed his powerful arms, and the giant hammer lifted off him. "I dislike being the butt of a robot's humour," he said as he stood up. "Verily I dislike it more, learning such things from the mouth of a harlequin."
The Joker bowed theatrically before turning his attention to the others. "It's all in the mind, you see," he said, tapping his right temple with a purple-gloved finger. "Your body can be caged but your mind - those delicious, juicy, soft and tempting grey cells - are never anything less than totally free... provided you're a certified loon, that is." He minced toward the Black Panther's cell. "You think like me, kids, and there's no prison been built what can hold ya, eh?"
He pulled up short as the Panther walked past him, the door to his cage swinging open. Their eyes met, and the hero shrugged. "You said to think like you," he said. The Joker grinned, winked and moved on.
The Joker encouraged the risk-fearing Ant-Man to shrink and then jump out of the way, letting the blade slice his prison open. He had the squeamish Wasp rub her feet back-and-forth on the flypaper, generating enough static electricity to boost her stingers so they could blast through the locker. Iron Man had to sacrifice part of his armour to bait the nanobots into chomp through the cell while he dodged the laser blasts. And Hawkeye, gallingly, only needed to press the white buttons on the cell floor to switch off the fan. "It's all things you wouldn't think of because you're not crazy enough to try them," Joker explained happily.
"Woo, yay, hooray, we've been rescued by the Joker," Hawkeye said drolly. "Can we go home now?"
"Never," Ultron-5 declared. As the synthezoid emerged from his control room, an electrified grate dropped from the ceiling and trapped everyone save Iron Man and the Joker!
Iron Man did not stay free for long. Ultron-5 had installed a super-powerful electromagnet in his arm, and used it to adhere Tony to the grate. Without Scarlet Witch's magic to grant him immunity, the armoured Avenger was powerless. "I was wrong to allow your escape," Ultron-5 said, staring levelly at the Joker. "It was a miscalculation... one I shall now rectify."
"Allow? Allow?" Joker seethed. "Listen here, Mr Five-Lions-Combining-Into-One-Robot..."
"That was Voltron. I am Ultron-5."
"Whatever! The point is I'm the killer, you're the toaster, and no one allows the Joker to escape from Arkham! It is my art, my sublime skill, the cherry atop the delicious blood-flavoured sundae that is my criminal career! I was already going to crush you for daring to steal my bit, but now I'm gonna splatterise ya!" He charged forward, swinging his mallet. Seemingly unfazed, Ultron-5 lifted his remote control and activated Arkham's internal defences... and, in doing so, fell right into the Joker's trap.
The clown knew every possible trick the robot could throw at him, and more: he knew how to use them to his own advantage. What appeared to be a random, mad-cap series of pratfalls, hops, skips and jumps actually caused each and every gun, missile, snare, net and manacle to swing around and target Ultron-5. By the time the synthezoid realised this, it was too late. He was so battered and dented by the machinery at his command that he dropped his remote which - oopsie! - the Joker stepped on. The heroes were free!
"Avengers Assemble," Ant-Man cried, and they did. He kicked off proceedings by growing to giant-size and kicking his rogue creation. Hawkeye filled Ultron-5's optical sockets with arrows while Black Panther loosened his joints with Vibranium darts. Cap's shield tore open his chest plate, giving Wasp a broad target for her stings. Hulk crash-tackled the synthezoid into Iron Man's sights, and a barrage of repulsor blasts was followed by a torrent of mystical lightning. Thor's power brought Ultron-5 to his knees, then caused him to topple over and deactivate.
Ant-Man knelt down next to the machine. "I'm pretty sure I can fix him," he began, peering at the exposed wiring and circuit boards. "With a little time and elbow grease, I can..."
A single green foot slammed down onto Ultron-5's head, shattering it into millions of tiny pieces. The matching foot crashed onto the synthezoid's torso, and identically-hued fists took care of the rest of the creature. Ant-Man looked up, shocked, into Hulk's implacable gaze. "Hulk promised to smash metal-man into millions of bits," the giant said. "Hulk keep promises."
"It really is better this way," Iron Man said, patting Hank on the shoulder. "Ultron-5 turned out to be a real jerk." He grimaced. "Which, given the source of his programming, doesn't say a heck of a lot of nice things about you. Umm... whoops."
"Ooo, awkward" the Joker grinned. "Must be my cue to leave!" Before anyone could react, the clown prince of crime vanished into yet another hidden tunnel. "Ta-ta for now," he called, his voice echoing through the halls of Arkham. "Don't call me, I'll kill you!"
Wasp stepped forward. "There is one nice thing that came out of Ultron-5," she said, looking pointedly at Ant-Man. "Is it true, Hank? Do you love me? Really, after all this time?"
Ant-Man took a deep breath and... said nothing. Then he thought of the cell, of death, of taking a risk and its reward. "I do," he blurted. "I really, really do love you, Jan. I always have, I just... well, I was afraid of saying anything." When she didn't reply, and just kept staring, his face paled. "Did I say something wrong?"
Wasp didn't answer - she just kissed him, long and deep, on the lips. The other Avengers smiled, happy to see this long-awaited moment finally come to pass. "And now we can go home, right?" Hawkeye asked, totally ruining the moment. Hank and Jan laughed, the other heroes sighed, and they wearily began the trip back to Hero Headquarters.
They left so suddenly that they failed to notice a red gleam, deep in the shadows of the control room. It grew in intensity, eventually forming a set of eyes and a wide, hideous mouth. A gleaming, brand-new synthezoid, seemingly identical to the thoroughly mashed Ultron-5, made its way toward Arkham's rear exit.
"Ultron-5 is no more," the new robot declared. "But his hard-fought experiences shall inform the next stage of the program. With time to prepare and plan, Ultron-6 shall succeed where his predecessor failed."
-----THE END-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF
Conjuring adventures such as hers doesn't happen on the fly, you know. There's a reason that, usually, we only play one game a week. It takes seven days of careful thought, planning and imagination to pull of high-octane action-figure mini-movies like hers, and it's a team effort. One of us will suggest the central theme - the "pizza base" - onto which the other will pile jokes, character moments, cool props and crazy fight scenes - the "toppings" - until we have a game neither of us can wait to play.
I had the base for this weekend's extravaganza, but had to finish some housework before I could join in the fun. By the time I'd returned, LJ had turned her bedroom into the single biggest challenge - and most terrifying nightmare - the mighty Avengers had ever faced. From the doorway to the window, from the floor to the bedside table, LJ had cast my idea around her room to create a...
----------
LJ presents:
MADTRAP!
Written by LJ and SF
Directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
The Hulk couldn't remember the last time he'd slept so comfortably. He settled his enormous green body into the soft, cushy floor of his cell and let out a sigh of relief. "This place not so bad," he muttered to himself. "Woken up in lot worse prisons." A sudden jolt of intelligence energised his oft-primitive mind. "Hold on minute - prison?" His characteristic rage swelling, Hulk stood up and looked more carefully at his surroundings.
He was in prison, all right... a spongy, supple, flexible cell that absorbed his every blow! Try as he might, Hulk could not punch his way out of the pillowy penitentiary. "Why there nothing to smash?" he bellowed in frustration. He tried ramming the walls but his hip and shoulder just sunk into the thick, pliable barriers. With no other option, Hulk sat in the middle of the cell and sulked. While pouting, he heard a familiar voice nearby, grunting with exertion.
"Hammer man?" he asked cautiously. "That you?"
In the cell next door, Thor - thunder god and prince of Asgard - was trapped beneath a massive object. Though it was an enormous copy of his own mystical hammer, Mjolnir, it did not respond to his commands. "Ho, friend Hulk," Thor grimaced. "I will be with you anon, as soon as I have found means to free myself from this unholy homage."
Hulk peered through the folds of his cell and snickered. "What's the matter? Hammer man not strong enough?"
Thor ignored him and summoned a lightning bolt. The sizzling energy crackled over the faux-Mjolnir with no effect, and vented its fury on Thor instead. "Strength would appear to be the problem," Thor snapped at Hulk. "Whatsoever I do to yon hammer, it doth deliver back unto me! The more godly strength I exert, the greater it press upon me... and even mine powers are turned around! Tis mischief most foul!"
"Stay calm, soldier," came an inspiring voice from the other side of Hulk's cell.
Hulk frowned. "Flag face stuck here, too?"
Captain America had awoken atop a flimsy, rickety pontoon floating on a pool of deep, dark water. He had to stand very still in order to keep his balance and not tumble over the side where, he feared, any manner of vicious sea-creature lurked. But even if the pontoon had been stable and the water safe, Cap could not have taken a dive - because his own shield whizzed around him in a circle, pulled by hidden magnets, to create a deadly, slicing barrier.
"Panicking won't do any of us any good," Cap continued, hoping to hide his own concern. "We need to put our heads together and figure a way out of this mess."
"Easy for you to say," someone snapped from across the corridor. "You're not about to get blown butt-first into a really nasty-looking lake of acid!"
Hawkeye's prison was also a pontoon, this one atop a vat of foul-smelling acid. Perfectly smooth, it offered the archer no hand-hold to combat the giant fan set over the cell door. It blew him mercilessly backward and stopped him from shooting a grapple-arrow to save himself. All he could do was dig arrow-heads into the frictionless surface and use them like pitons to try and climb out of danger.
"I'm pretty far past panic and into get-me-the-heck-outta-here," Hawkeye yelled. "If you're out there, Black Panther, now's the time for one of your annoying amazing rescues that we can't explain but are grateful to get anyway..."
After a moment's silence, the Panther answered. "I cannot get free," he said, clearly annoyed.
The Panther was, of course, the first Avenger to wake up in a cell. Long before Hulk roused, he'd explored the confines of his prison, tested its strengths and probed it for weaknesses. He'd found none, for the most shocking of reasons. "These bars are made of solid Vibranium," he explained stiffly. "None of my weaponry will affect it, nor can my suit counteract its effects. I, too, am trapped."
"You mean you don't have some kind of anti-Vibranium gizmo?" Hawkeye asked.
"Of course I do," the Panther growled. "I just... don't have it here right now."
"We're doomed," Hawkeye moaned.
Henry Pym, aka the astonishing Ant-Man, was also in dire straights. "If I try to grow to giant-size, my cell starts to shrink and crush me," he told the others. "And if I try to shrink, this giant cutting blade outside starts to wobble, as if it's going to swing like a guillotine. I have to stay precisely at my normal height if I don't want to get either squished or chopped!"
"At least you can move, Hank," called his partner, the Wasp. "Some of us aren't quite so lucky."
Of all the cells, Wasp's was arguably the most embarrassing. It was a normal, albeit reinforced, high school locker lined with super-sticky flypaper. "My wings are stuck down and I can't get them free," Wasp complained. "Eww, it's in my hair, too! And the locker must be made of something stronger than usual, because my sting blasts can't blow it open." She pouted. "This is humiliating, you guys."
"That would have to be the first time the ultra-popular Miss Van Dyne has ever found herself stuffed into a locker," someone chortled.
"This isn't funny, Tony," Wasp snapped back.
Unlike his peers, Iron Man had room to move. It just wasn't going to do him any good. Between him and the cell of his door stood two electrified, oscillating towers that slammed together at random intervals. Should he make it through them, he risked being zapped by the laser tower over his head. Assuming he avoided that, he'd either be cut to ribbons by the double-bladed cutting device or eaten alive by a container of metal-devouring nanobots! "I agree, Jan," he said at last. "This isn't funny at all."
"We need to think," Cap ordered. "What's the last thing anyone remembers?"
" Fighting Magneto," Hawkeye replied. "My head still hurts from that stoush."
"No, it was the super-villains," Thor disagreed. "Yon metal man took them away as commanded, but they did not arrive at Arkham Asylum. Did we not seek the creature out for discussion?"
"Ultron-5," Ant-Man confirmed. "We expected him to lock up Doom and his cronies, but then our sensors detected them returning to Villainville. We left Spider-Man behind to introduce Scarlet Witch to everyone and headed for Arkham but..." He trailed off. "I can't actually remember what happened next."
A squeal of feedback assailed their ears, and the Avengers realised they'd been communicating through a hidden system of microphones and speakers. "Organic brains are easily corrupted," a cruel, metallic voice sneered. "Your data-compiling capabilities are as inefficient as the rest of your flawed design. Allow me to update your software."
Video screens, camouflaged in each cell, flickered to life. Each was filled with the red-and-silver face of Ultron-5. "You are imprisoned in Arkham Asylum," the synthezoid said matter-of-factly. "And you will remain here forever, thereby completing phase one of the program."
"Phase one?" Ant-Man asked. "Ultron-5, what are you talking about? I created you to rehabilitate super-villains, end violence and bring peace to the world?"
"Correct," Ultron-5 nodded. "There was, however, a flaw in your thinking... 'father'." The robot seemed to growl the last word. "My studies of this Earth have concluded that super-villains arise in answer to super-heroes. In order to end the threat of super-villains, I must first eliminate each and every super-hero. Those are Phases One and Two of the program. I will then commence Phase Three."
"I shudder to ask," Hawkeye deadpanned.
"In order to prevent a recurrence of either the super-hero or the super-villain, the raw materials from which they are formed must be destroyed. Phase Three, therefore, will conclude only when every single human life on the face of the Earth has been extinguished. The program will then extend to other dimensions and worlds until all life, save that I create, has been eradicated. 'Peace' will then be achieved."
"Peace?" Wasp asked. "Between robotic life-forms? Have you met the Transformers?"
"I grow ever-less enchanted with the science of Midgard," Thor sighed.
Iron Man started laughing.
"Tony, what is wrong with you?" Cap asked.
"Sorry everyone," the armoured Avenger replied. "It's just... well, we're staring down the barrel of the end of the world again because of a rogue piece of technology but, for once, it's not my tech!"
"Please, Ultron-5, let's discuss this," pleaded Ant-Man. "I must have been too imprecise with my programming - maybe left a few ideas and ideals a little undefined. If you let me take a look at your logic circuits and sub-routines, I can fix what I've done."
Ultron-5's eyes glowed a hideous shade of crimson. "You've done enough already, 'father'," he snarled.
"Seconded," Hawkeye quipped.
"One of you will be spared, at least temporarily," Ultron-5 continued. The camera angle on the video screens shifted, and the Avengers saw he was standing outside Wasp's cell. "The human designated 'Janet Van Dyne' will remain operational until a new synthezoid body can be created for downloading."
"Downloading?" Wasp asked. "Hank, what's he talking about?"
"Pym, you didn't!" Iron Man yelled, serious once more. "Tell me you didn't map your own personality engrams onto Ultron-5's brain! Please, tell me this crazy robot isn't working off brain-waves identical to your own!"
Ant-Man buried his face in his hands.
"Oh no," Iron Man winced. "Ultron-5 wants to keep Jan alive long enough to copy her brain into a new synthezoid so he can have a mate... someone to love... just like Hank loves Jan!"
Wasp looked horrified. Hulk began throwing himself at the cell walls again, desperately trying to break out. "Metal-mouth stay away from Wing-girl," he raged. "No touch Wing-girl's brain, or Hulk smash you into millions of pieces!"
Ultron-5 shook his head. "We have heard enough from you, monster," he said. He tapped a button on his forearm and the microphones in Hulk's cell switched to mute. That served only to further infuriate the jade giant, who roared soundlessly as he crashed, again and again, into the unaffected walls. Ultron-5 paid this no mind as he deactivated the video screens and retired to his control room.
In his cell, Cap struggled to maintain both his balance and his patience. "Avengers, there's no time to waste. Start looking around your cells for any way to escape. Any at all. If even one of us gets out, they'll be able to free the others and we can stop Ultron-5. Hurry!" The heroes tried without success. "He's out-thought us," Cap sighed. "We can't compete with his kind of machine-driven logic."
Iron Man snapped his fingers. "We can't, but I know someone who can!" He pulled the once-hidden speaker out of his cell wall and started re-wiring it, using pieces of his own armour to boost its broadcasting capabilities. "The only way to combat logic like this is to be completely, utterly illogical - to the point of madness, in fact. And remember the first rule of business, lady and gentlemen: when you can't do it yourself, outsource it!"
Miles away, in Villainville, the Joker stretched out on a makeshift bed of laughing-gas canisters and yawned contentedly. Before he was so rudely interrupted, he'd planned on taking his annual moment of relaxation. Having secured his own release from Arkham (thanks to the distraction of the Magneto fight) and having snuck back into Villainville (managing to avoid Harley's "affections"), the clown prince of crime was finally ready for a well-deserved nap... when his phone rang.
"Whaaaaat?!!?" he demanded. "Who are you, and how did you get this number?"
It was, of course, Iron Man - the genius inventor had hacked Arkham's phone lines! The Joker listened, only half-interested, as the Avenger outlined his plight and his strange request. "And for once, it's all Ant-Man's fault," he said emphatically.
"Hey!" cried an outraged voice in the background.
"No matter what Batman does, you always manage to find a way out of Arkham Asylum," Iron Man continued. "I really can't believe I'm doing this but, Joker, we need you to come break us out of jail. The Avengers need your help."
"Let me get this straight, Ironing Board," the Joker grinned, "you and your do-gooder buddies have been flimflammed by your own pet robot, locked up in teeny-tiny cells you can't escape, the robot's planning to do the same thing to the rest of your annoying pals and you want me to stop him?" He laughed. "People call me crazy but man, Tony, you're downright delusional!"
"Joker," Iron Man said tersely, "if Ultron-5 gets rid of us, he'll kill all of humanity next."
The criminal paused mid-laugh. "He can't do that," he shrieked indignantly. "That's my job! I'm the one who gets to kill everyone - me, not some dumb malfunctioning robot!" Joker leaped to his feet, scattering the gas-drums as he grabbed his enormous green mallet. "Let me at that tin-plated Twinkie! I'll give him a dot-com crash he won't soon forget!"
An hour later, a piece of the hallway linking the Avengers' cells slid to one side, revealing a secret tunnel. From out it strode the Joker, resplendent in all his purple-and-green finery. "Ladies and gentlemen, chumps and charity cases, children of all levels of intelligence," he crowed. "The Joker is proud to present a Joker production... written, directed, and starring the Joker... of a Joker concept, copyright the Joker!"
"Will you get on with it?" Hawkeye called.
"Tsk-tsk, bowman," Joker admonished. "This is my rescue, so you'll play by my rules or I'll take my mallet and my acid and go home!" He coughed. "Now then, where was I? Oh yes: copyright the Joker! The Joker masterpiece that is... 'Joker's Greatest Escape', guest-starring some do-gooder chumps who should know better than to build robot prison guards. Hoo-ah!"
He danced from cell to cell, cackling with delight at each Avenger's distress. He paused at the door to Hulk's prison, fascinated by the mute rampage within. Then, when Hulk stormed close enough, he lifted his lapel to the door lock and squirted a dose of laughing gas through the hole. The chemical shot up Hulk's nose and, as it had once before, caused him to laugh until he transformed into Bruce Banner.
The puny scientist easily slipped between the folds of the prison to freedom. "I would never have thought of that," he said, staring in slack-jawed amazement.
"Of course you wouldn't have," Joker said, "and that's why you need me!" He reached out and slapped Banner, as hard as he could, across the face. Incensed, he turned into the Hulk again. "You're welcome," Joker sang, skipping away to the next cell. Hulk scowled.
He visited Captain America next. "The Star-Spangled Man with the Plan," he cheered, snapping into a sharp salute.
"How do you know about that?" Cap asked.
"Come now, mon capitano, do you think we villains get cable television in our secret lairs? Of course not! We have to watch whatever we find lying around... even old newsreels!" Joker cast one eye over the cell. "Ooh now, isn't this a doozy. Well, not really. Quite lacking in imagination when you think about it. I mean, what would happen if the prisoner reached out with his super-human reflexes, grabbed the shield with his super-human grip and held on with his super-human endurance, hmm?"
Cap understood. Gritting his teeth, he followed the Joker's advice. The shield pulled him along with frightening force and threatened to wrench his arm from its socket, but he refused to yield. The extra weight threw off the weapon's orbit and, eventually, its rotations widened until it crashed through the cell walls and into the corridor! As Cap struggled to his feet, the Joker brushed a speck of dust from one of his cowl-wings. "Escape's easy," he offered, "when you take self-preservation out of the mix."
"No wonder," Cap coughed, "we've never been able to cage you."
"Quite right," Joker nodded. He strolled over to Thor and laughed hysterically. Angry and embarrassed, the thunder god demanded to be let in on the joke. "The only thing trapping you, muscles, is that miniscule Asgardian brain of yours," the villain cackled. "Think on this, mallet-mullet: if the big hammer pushes back on you as hard as you push on it, then what happens when you stop pushing on it?"
Thor thought for a moment. "Oh," he said, unimpressed. He relaxed his powerful arms, and the giant hammer lifted off him. "I dislike being the butt of a robot's humour," he said as he stood up. "Verily I dislike it more, learning such things from the mouth of a harlequin."
The Joker bowed theatrically before turning his attention to the others. "It's all in the mind, you see," he said, tapping his right temple with a purple-gloved finger. "Your body can be caged but your mind - those delicious, juicy, soft and tempting grey cells - are never anything less than totally free... provided you're a certified loon, that is." He minced toward the Black Panther's cell. "You think like me, kids, and there's no prison been built what can hold ya, eh?"
He pulled up short as the Panther walked past him, the door to his cage swinging open. Their eyes met, and the hero shrugged. "You said to think like you," he said. The Joker grinned, winked and moved on.
The Joker encouraged the risk-fearing Ant-Man to shrink and then jump out of the way, letting the blade slice his prison open. He had the squeamish Wasp rub her feet back-and-forth on the flypaper, generating enough static electricity to boost her stingers so they could blast through the locker. Iron Man had to sacrifice part of his armour to bait the nanobots into chomp through the cell while he dodged the laser blasts. And Hawkeye, gallingly, only needed to press the white buttons on the cell floor to switch off the fan. "It's all things you wouldn't think of because you're not crazy enough to try them," Joker explained happily.
"Woo, yay, hooray, we've been rescued by the Joker," Hawkeye said drolly. "Can we go home now?"
"Never," Ultron-5 declared. As the synthezoid emerged from his control room, an electrified grate dropped from the ceiling and trapped everyone save Iron Man and the Joker!
Iron Man did not stay free for long. Ultron-5 had installed a super-powerful electromagnet in his arm, and used it to adhere Tony to the grate. Without Scarlet Witch's magic to grant him immunity, the armoured Avenger was powerless. "I was wrong to allow your escape," Ultron-5 said, staring levelly at the Joker. "It was a miscalculation... one I shall now rectify."
"Allow? Allow?" Joker seethed. "Listen here, Mr Five-Lions-Combining-Into-One-Robot..."
"That was Voltron. I am Ultron-5."
"Whatever! The point is I'm the killer, you're the toaster, and no one allows the Joker to escape from Arkham! It is my art, my sublime skill, the cherry atop the delicious blood-flavoured sundae that is my criminal career! I was already going to crush you for daring to steal my bit, but now I'm gonna splatterise ya!" He charged forward, swinging his mallet. Seemingly unfazed, Ultron-5 lifted his remote control and activated Arkham's internal defences... and, in doing so, fell right into the Joker's trap.
The clown knew every possible trick the robot could throw at him, and more: he knew how to use them to his own advantage. What appeared to be a random, mad-cap series of pratfalls, hops, skips and jumps actually caused each and every gun, missile, snare, net and manacle to swing around and target Ultron-5. By the time the synthezoid realised this, it was too late. He was so battered and dented by the machinery at his command that he dropped his remote which - oopsie! - the Joker stepped on. The heroes were free!
"Avengers Assemble," Ant-Man cried, and they did. He kicked off proceedings by growing to giant-size and kicking his rogue creation. Hawkeye filled Ultron-5's optical sockets with arrows while Black Panther loosened his joints with Vibranium darts. Cap's shield tore open his chest plate, giving Wasp a broad target for her stings. Hulk crash-tackled the synthezoid into Iron Man's sights, and a barrage of repulsor blasts was followed by a torrent of mystical lightning. Thor's power brought Ultron-5 to his knees, then caused him to topple over and deactivate.
Ant-Man knelt down next to the machine. "I'm pretty sure I can fix him," he began, peering at the exposed wiring and circuit boards. "With a little time and elbow grease, I can..."
A single green foot slammed down onto Ultron-5's head, shattering it into millions of tiny pieces. The matching foot crashed onto the synthezoid's torso, and identically-hued fists took care of the rest of the creature. Ant-Man looked up, shocked, into Hulk's implacable gaze. "Hulk promised to smash metal-man into millions of bits," the giant said. "Hulk keep promises."
"It really is better this way," Iron Man said, patting Hank on the shoulder. "Ultron-5 turned out to be a real jerk." He grimaced. "Which, given the source of his programming, doesn't say a heck of a lot of nice things about you. Umm... whoops."
"Ooo, awkward" the Joker grinned. "Must be my cue to leave!" Before anyone could react, the clown prince of crime vanished into yet another hidden tunnel. "Ta-ta for now," he called, his voice echoing through the halls of Arkham. "Don't call me, I'll kill you!"
Wasp stepped forward. "There is one nice thing that came out of Ultron-5," she said, looking pointedly at Ant-Man. "Is it true, Hank? Do you love me? Really, after all this time?"
Ant-Man took a deep breath and... said nothing. Then he thought of the cell, of death, of taking a risk and its reward. "I do," he blurted. "I really, really do love you, Jan. I always have, I just... well, I was afraid of saying anything." When she didn't reply, and just kept staring, his face paled. "Did I say something wrong?"
Wasp didn't answer - she just kissed him, long and deep, on the lips. The other Avengers smiled, happy to see this long-awaited moment finally come to pass. "And now we can go home, right?" Hawkeye asked, totally ruining the moment. Hank and Jan laughed, the other heroes sighed, and they wearily began the trip back to Hero Headquarters.
They left so suddenly that they failed to notice a red gleam, deep in the shadows of the control room. It grew in intensity, eventually forming a set of eyes and a wide, hideous mouth. A gleaming, brand-new synthezoid, seemingly identical to the thoroughly mashed Ultron-5, made its way toward Arkham's rear exit.
"Ultron-5 is no more," the new robot declared. "But his hard-fought experiences shall inform the next stage of the program. With time to prepare and plan, Ultron-6 shall succeed where his predecessor failed."
-----THE END-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF