LJ presents: Transformers - Escape of the Fallen
LJ has a problem with Hollywood. More specifically, with its take on the Transformers.
"I really like the idea of The Fallen," she announced a few weeks back. "Except for one thing. I think it's terrible that the Fallen stays chained up in his ship unless Optimus Prime dies. I want to use the Fallen in my games, but I don't want to have to kill off Optimus and then bring him back because that gets done all the time.
"There's another thing," she continued. "The Fallen is super-powerful, more powerful than anyone else. So you can't use him in games, because he's unstoppable. The only one who can beat him is a Prime, and that gets boring if it's only Optimus fighting the Fallen all the time. Hmm... this is a real puzzle."
I encouraged her to think around those problems and to come up with her own solutions. The best thing about playing with toys, I explained, is that you can deviate from the cartoons or movies that tie into them and have your own concepts, stories and ideas.
As she is wont to do, LJ took my advice to heart and spent a month planning "the biggest Transformers game ever". This morning, she asked me to come into her room and play so we could act out her masterpiece. I'd had no input into it - had no idea what it was all going to be about - and so sat down on her floor, ready to do whatever she told me.
What followed was an hour-long, bona-fide box office epic merging the live-action movie with the Animated and G1 continuities. Of course, it wasn't as good as Michael Bay's blockbuster - it was better. Thus, without any further adieu, allow me to present...
TRANSFORMERS: ESCAPE OF THE FALLEN
Created and directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
Our story begins on Earth's moon. The Decepticons have gathered at the wreck of their ship, the Nemesis. Chained within its depths is The Fallen, an ancient Transformer who sparked the Autobot/Decepticon war. The Fallen was one of the 13 Primes who led the Cybertronian race but, when he betrayed his brothers, he was locked away until such time as all the other Primes were dead. As long as Optimus Prime is alive and leading the Autobots, the Fallen will never be free.
Unless...
Having studied the ancient texts of "The Autocue", written by Primus himself, the Fallen has uncovered another way to escape. The AllSpark key used by Sari Sumdac, he believes, can unlock his prison and unleash him upon the universe once more! Desperate for freedom, he orders the Decepticons to secure the device by any means necessary.
Megatron dispatches Soundwave and Ravage to break into Symultech Labs and steal a hologram projector. With it, three Decepticons - Megatron, Starscream and Lugnut - can disguise themselves as Autobots and infiltrate their enemies' base to take the key. The projector disguises Megatron as Optimus Prime, Lugnut as Bulkhead and - much to his disgust - Starscream as Sparkle, the femme firetruck. As the other 'cons heckle him with names like "Sparklescream" and "Twinkles", the disguised Starscream joines his comrades and makes for the Autobot base.
While the real Prime, Bulkhead and Sparkle attend Symultech Labs to investigate the break-in, their evil doppelgangers infiltrate the Detroit factory that serves as Autobot HQ. "Prime" suggests the Autobots all visit the recharging chamber so they'll be ready for any further Decepticon assault. As soon as the unsuspecting heroes entered the room, "Sparkle" locks them inside while "Bulkhead" knocks Sari unconscious and takes the AllSpark key. The Decepticons doff their disguises - except for Starscream, who is growing strangely accustomed to being a femme - and head off, their mission a success.
Upon their return to the moon, the Fallen demands to be freed. Reverently, Megatron takes the key and unlocks his master's chains. The Fallen is reborn... but only for a moment. His triumphant proclamations are cut short by a searing pain in his Spark. The Autocue did not lie; the key could release the Fallen, but not unscathed. Without some form of energy boost, the Fallen will die.
"He's the Fallen, and he can't get up!" Blitzwing cackles.
Furious, Megatron leads a second raid on Symultech Labs, this time to steal an experimental Energon enhancer. The device is being tested in a race car driven by champion speedway maestro Auggie Cahnay. Megatron and his cronies attack - only to be surprised by Optimus Prime and the freed Autobots. A massive battle ensues, and it looks as if Megatron will finally be defeated and captured. At the last moment, the skies above the labs darken. The Decepticons have brought the Nemesis back online! The Autobots have no choice but to retreat in the face of such superior firepower, and Megatron obtains the Energon enhancer.
The Decepticon leader is unaware, however, of the intrigue that has occurred in his absence. While monitoring the Fallen's vital signs, Blackarachnia took a moment to steal a piece of the demi-god's spark. She intended to use it to boost her own powers, but it was incompatible with her technorganic chassis and nearly killed her. Not willing to waste such a valuable resource, Blackarachnia seduces Devastator - the super-powerful gestalt warrior - and slips the power inside him with a kiss. One day, when the time is right, she will claim her bounty and destroy all who stand in her way.
Megatron has the Energon enhancer installed within the Fallen and brings his master back to health. The ancient Transformer still lacks his god-like power, however, and so Soundwave grafts the AllSpark key onto the Fallen's forehead to boost his abilities. Truly reborn at last, the Fallen orders the Decepticons to Egypt. They will dig his sun-destroyer out from under the pyramids of Giza, wipe out humanity and rule the universe forever.
Meanwhile, in Detroit, the Autobots are dejected. They have failed to stop Megatron, they've lost Sari's key and they have no way of discovering what their enemies have planned. Despite his own misgivings, and Ratchet's protests, Optimus takes a gamble: he hires Lockdown, the bounty hunter, to uncover the Decepticon scheme. Having received his 10,000 shanix fee, Lockdown travels to the moon and finds the Nemesis gone - but Blitzwing and Barricade guarding the former crash site in preparation for its return. By promising the fools a share of his fee, Lockdown gets the inside scoop on the Fallen's intentions... then beats the slag out of Blitzwing and Barricade and makes all speed back to Earth. Now informed, the Autobots make preparations for the biggest battle of their lives.
The opposing forces collide in the Egyptian sands. Bulkhead, Grimlock and Brawn take down Lugnut, Blackarachnia and Ravage. Sparkle and Sideswipe engage Starscream and Soundwave in a hellacious duel, and emerge victorious. By combining ninja trickery and technical know-how, Ratchet and Jazz take control of the Nemesis by remote and blast Devastator before he can fully collapse the pyramid. Finally, Optimus Prime and Bumblebee square off with Megatron and the Fallen.
It's a battle for the ages. Foolishly, the evil mechs focus all their attention on Prime and ignore Bumblebee. This is their fatal mistake. Using his speed and his stingers, Bumblebee attacks a distracted Megatron from behind and knocks him off the very top of the pyramid. A swipe of Prime's axe makes sure the Decepticon leader will be unable to rejoin the fight.
That leaves Prime and the Fallen squaring off. Angry at the death of his ancestors, fueled by concern for the Earth and its people, Optimus fights like a demon. He tears the AllSpark key from the Fallen's forehead ("Give me your face!") and rips the Energon enhancer from out his chassis ("I rise, you fall!"), stripping the ancient warrior of his super powers and turning him into a normal - albeit dangerous - Transformer. Instead of delivering a killing blow, however, Prime transforms and drives away... just in time for Bumblebee to detonate the bombs he's planted throughout the pyramid. Thousands of tonnes of stone cascade down onto the Fallen, crushing and burying him beneath their massive weight.
The Decepticons know they have lost. Megatron sounds the retreat and, stupidly, leads the way to the Nemesis. It's precisely what Ratchet was waiting for; he orders the ship to crash into the ocean, ending the Decepticon threat at least for now, if not once and for all. Before the Autobots can celebrate, something stirs in the rubble. The Fallen is alive, but massively depowered. He flees, swearing vengeance on those who stole his god-hood. Optimus promises they will be ready to meet any threat he poses.
The Autobots have won, and Bumblebee is the hero of the day. Not only was he brave enough to face Megatron, but he proved even the smallest Transformer can defeat the most powerful if they "think smart and act tough". With the key back in their possession, the Fallen's curse broken and their teamwork stronger than ever, the Autobots begin their happy journey back to Detroit.
The End
Swear to God, I had nothing to do with the creation of that story. It's all LJ, conjured up by her and told to me a piece at a time this morning. Every twist and turn popped, fully formed, out of her freaky genius brain. Her only assist came from stareyednight, who offered Blitzwing's quip and had us both rolling on the floor with laughter.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when a five-year-old takes two TF cartoons, mixes them with selected scenes from Revenge of the Fallen and adds her own creativity. Like I said: epic.
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF
"I really like the idea of The Fallen," she announced a few weeks back. "Except for one thing. I think it's terrible that the Fallen stays chained up in his ship unless Optimus Prime dies. I want to use the Fallen in my games, but I don't want to have to kill off Optimus and then bring him back because that gets done all the time.
"There's another thing," she continued. "The Fallen is super-powerful, more powerful than anyone else. So you can't use him in games, because he's unstoppable. The only one who can beat him is a Prime, and that gets boring if it's only Optimus fighting the Fallen all the time. Hmm... this is a real puzzle."
I encouraged her to think around those problems and to come up with her own solutions. The best thing about playing with toys, I explained, is that you can deviate from the cartoons or movies that tie into them and have your own concepts, stories and ideas.
As she is wont to do, LJ took my advice to heart and spent a month planning "the biggest Transformers game ever". This morning, she asked me to come into her room and play so we could act out her masterpiece. I'd had no input into it - had no idea what it was all going to be about - and so sat down on her floor, ready to do whatever she told me.
What followed was an hour-long, bona-fide box office epic merging the live-action movie with the Animated and G1 continuities. Of course, it wasn't as good as Michael Bay's blockbuster - it was better. Thus, without any further adieu, allow me to present...
TRANSFORMERS: ESCAPE OF THE FALLEN
Created and directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
Our story begins on Earth's moon. The Decepticons have gathered at the wreck of their ship, the Nemesis. Chained within its depths is The Fallen, an ancient Transformer who sparked the Autobot/Decepticon war. The Fallen was one of the 13 Primes who led the Cybertronian race but, when he betrayed his brothers, he was locked away until such time as all the other Primes were dead. As long as Optimus Prime is alive and leading the Autobots, the Fallen will never be free.
Unless...
Having studied the ancient texts of "The Autocue", written by Primus himself, the Fallen has uncovered another way to escape. The AllSpark key used by Sari Sumdac, he believes, can unlock his prison and unleash him upon the universe once more! Desperate for freedom, he orders the Decepticons to secure the device by any means necessary.
Megatron dispatches Soundwave and Ravage to break into Symultech Labs and steal a hologram projector. With it, three Decepticons - Megatron, Starscream and Lugnut - can disguise themselves as Autobots and infiltrate their enemies' base to take the key. The projector disguises Megatron as Optimus Prime, Lugnut as Bulkhead and - much to his disgust - Starscream as Sparkle, the femme firetruck. As the other 'cons heckle him with names like "Sparklescream" and "Twinkles", the disguised Starscream joines his comrades and makes for the Autobot base.
While the real Prime, Bulkhead and Sparkle attend Symultech Labs to investigate the break-in, their evil doppelgangers infiltrate the Detroit factory that serves as Autobot HQ. "Prime" suggests the Autobots all visit the recharging chamber so they'll be ready for any further Decepticon assault. As soon as the unsuspecting heroes entered the room, "Sparkle" locks them inside while "Bulkhead" knocks Sari unconscious and takes the AllSpark key. The Decepticons doff their disguises - except for Starscream, who is growing strangely accustomed to being a femme - and head off, their mission a success.
Upon their return to the moon, the Fallen demands to be freed. Reverently, Megatron takes the key and unlocks his master's chains. The Fallen is reborn... but only for a moment. His triumphant proclamations are cut short by a searing pain in his Spark. The Autocue did not lie; the key could release the Fallen, but not unscathed. Without some form of energy boost, the Fallen will die.
"He's the Fallen, and he can't get up!" Blitzwing cackles.
Furious, Megatron leads a second raid on Symultech Labs, this time to steal an experimental Energon enhancer. The device is being tested in a race car driven by champion speedway maestro Auggie Cahnay. Megatron and his cronies attack - only to be surprised by Optimus Prime and the freed Autobots. A massive battle ensues, and it looks as if Megatron will finally be defeated and captured. At the last moment, the skies above the labs darken. The Decepticons have brought the Nemesis back online! The Autobots have no choice but to retreat in the face of such superior firepower, and Megatron obtains the Energon enhancer.
The Decepticon leader is unaware, however, of the intrigue that has occurred in his absence. While monitoring the Fallen's vital signs, Blackarachnia took a moment to steal a piece of the demi-god's spark. She intended to use it to boost her own powers, but it was incompatible with her technorganic chassis and nearly killed her. Not willing to waste such a valuable resource, Blackarachnia seduces Devastator - the super-powerful gestalt warrior - and slips the power inside him with a kiss. One day, when the time is right, she will claim her bounty and destroy all who stand in her way.
Megatron has the Energon enhancer installed within the Fallen and brings his master back to health. The ancient Transformer still lacks his god-like power, however, and so Soundwave grafts the AllSpark key onto the Fallen's forehead to boost his abilities. Truly reborn at last, the Fallen orders the Decepticons to Egypt. They will dig his sun-destroyer out from under the pyramids of Giza, wipe out humanity and rule the universe forever.
Meanwhile, in Detroit, the Autobots are dejected. They have failed to stop Megatron, they've lost Sari's key and they have no way of discovering what their enemies have planned. Despite his own misgivings, and Ratchet's protests, Optimus takes a gamble: he hires Lockdown, the bounty hunter, to uncover the Decepticon scheme. Having received his 10,000 shanix fee, Lockdown travels to the moon and finds the Nemesis gone - but Blitzwing and Barricade guarding the former crash site in preparation for its return. By promising the fools a share of his fee, Lockdown gets the inside scoop on the Fallen's intentions... then beats the slag out of Blitzwing and Barricade and makes all speed back to Earth. Now informed, the Autobots make preparations for the biggest battle of their lives.
The opposing forces collide in the Egyptian sands. Bulkhead, Grimlock and Brawn take down Lugnut, Blackarachnia and Ravage. Sparkle and Sideswipe engage Starscream and Soundwave in a hellacious duel, and emerge victorious. By combining ninja trickery and technical know-how, Ratchet and Jazz take control of the Nemesis by remote and blast Devastator before he can fully collapse the pyramid. Finally, Optimus Prime and Bumblebee square off with Megatron and the Fallen.
It's a battle for the ages. Foolishly, the evil mechs focus all their attention on Prime and ignore Bumblebee. This is their fatal mistake. Using his speed and his stingers, Bumblebee attacks a distracted Megatron from behind and knocks him off the very top of the pyramid. A swipe of Prime's axe makes sure the Decepticon leader will be unable to rejoin the fight.
That leaves Prime and the Fallen squaring off. Angry at the death of his ancestors, fueled by concern for the Earth and its people, Optimus fights like a demon. He tears the AllSpark key from the Fallen's forehead ("Give me your face!") and rips the Energon enhancer from out his chassis ("I rise, you fall!"), stripping the ancient warrior of his super powers and turning him into a normal - albeit dangerous - Transformer. Instead of delivering a killing blow, however, Prime transforms and drives away... just in time for Bumblebee to detonate the bombs he's planted throughout the pyramid. Thousands of tonnes of stone cascade down onto the Fallen, crushing and burying him beneath their massive weight.
The Decepticons know they have lost. Megatron sounds the retreat and, stupidly, leads the way to the Nemesis. It's precisely what Ratchet was waiting for; he orders the ship to crash into the ocean, ending the Decepticon threat at least for now, if not once and for all. Before the Autobots can celebrate, something stirs in the rubble. The Fallen is alive, but massively depowered. He flees, swearing vengeance on those who stole his god-hood. Optimus promises they will be ready to meet any threat he poses.
The Autobots have won, and Bumblebee is the hero of the day. Not only was he brave enough to face Megatron, but he proved even the smallest Transformer can defeat the most powerful if they "think smart and act tough". With the key back in their possession, the Fallen's curse broken and their teamwork stronger than ever, the Autobots begin their happy journey back to Detroit.
The End
Swear to God, I had nothing to do with the creation of that story. It's all LJ, conjured up by her and told to me a piece at a time this morning. Every twist and turn popped, fully formed, out of her freaky genius brain. Her only assist came from stareyednight, who offered Blitzwing's quip and had us both rolling on the floor with laughter.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when a five-year-old takes two TF cartoons, mixes them with selected scenes from Revenge of the Fallen and adds her own creativity. Like I said: epic.
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF