I had to say this out loud somewhere

Oct 16, 2013 21:58

so I weighed all my outlets carefully to find the one where the LEAST number of people would hear me say

oh my fucking God I am not doing well

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Comments 19

eyeteeth October 17 2013, 06:24:40 UTC
Can I help?

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dracunculus October 17 2013, 16:09:27 UTC
You are helping, thank you. It was helpful to say out loud that something is wrong with me right now, and to be heard.

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sumbitch October 17 2013, 11:02:29 UTC
Oh poor darling. Chat me when you can, email me if I'm not on chat and I'll get on chat directly. Hang in there. Just keep breathing. Love you very much.

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bateleur October 17 2013, 11:22:01 UTC
Wow - I wasn't expecting that! I guess it just goes to show that even the people we assume have everything totally together sometimes find things hard. :-(

Lots of love to you and your family. Hope things get easier for you soon.

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dracunculus October 17 2013, 14:39:55 UTC
It came on amazingly suddenly. I was depressed once twenty years ago but I haven't felt anything like this since then. It's like a pit opened up under my feet a week ago. I'm bewildered by it.

Anyway, going to make an appointment with somebody who can prescribe me antidepressants today, because I would like to go back to being a well-functioning person now kthx.

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bateleur October 17 2013, 14:51:56 UTC
Depression is a very strange thing.

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dracunculus October 17 2013, 16:06:33 UTC
My best guess is that this has something to do with postpartum hormone shifts. Six months after birth seems a little delayed, but there are some significant physical changes that happen right about now. I think this time around it knocked my brain askew somehow.

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lathany October 17 2013, 20:45:10 UTC
:-(

I wasn't expecting that either. Glad you were relieved to find the cause.

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dracunculus October 17 2013, 22:38:53 UTC
I wasn't expecting it either!

Maybe it seems weird that I feel so relieved to have an explanation for this, but pinpointing a source makes it far less confusing and somehow less overwhelming as well. If I know what's happening and I know there are standard treatments then I have a clear path forward.

I have an appointment with a doctor at 10am tomorrow and hopefully I will walk out with a prescription for Zoloft or something like it.

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ericaceous October 18 2013, 02:15:03 UTC
Oh my god, i'm so sorry. what can i do?
I am in a similar place but if there's anything i am sort of good at, it's mutual support.
love you.

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dracunculus October 18 2013, 04:12:39 UTC
I love you too!

I have a doctor's appointment for ten a.m. tomorrow. It was kind of hilarious, when I was talking to the lady who answered the phone she started off with "Our earliest appointment will be next Monday but let me give you the intake questionnaire." And then after I answered the questions (which basically boiled down to "Why, specifically, do you think you might be crazy and exactly how crazy are you at the current moment?") she said, very sweetly, "Would you mind holding on a moment? I'm going to see if we can possibly squeeze you in any earlier." Heh.

So anyway, I will probably be on antidepressants soon and I'm hoping that will solve things.

Email me if you want to talk about stuff going on with you? <3 <3 <3

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ericaceous October 18 2013, 12:55:01 UTC
Oh good, I'm glad you have an appointment today! I hope you feel better very soon!
I may email, but I don't have tons or time/attention for that, and the basic story is i feel overwhelmed and full of despair from my life. nothing too exciting.

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dracunculus October 18 2013, 18:57:07 UTC
I'm so sorry things suck for you right now :(

The doctor was super funny today. He was like "Postpartum or not, know what? Doesn't matter. Treatment's the same. And frankly, lady, after hearing about how you're the primary caregiver for three kids including an infant with no extended family in the area or other support and how you haven't had a solid night's sleep in probably years, I think it's a wonder you didn't crack sooner. Have some Prozac and call me in two weeks."

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