Dracpunzel (A Fractured Fairy Tale): Prologue
Dracpunzel (A fractured fairy tale)
Prologue: In Which Ideas are Hare-Brained
By dracontia
Summary: Once upon a time, Lucius Malfoy decided to execute a tediously convoluted scheme that went (from his perspective, at least) ridiculously wrong. That really narrows it down, doesn’t it?
Disclaimer: JKR & other wealthy letters own the HP characters. Rapunzel is public domain, at least until Disney figures out how to sanitize it sufficiently. Good luck with that once I’m done with it… (You can tell how long ago I started this one, can’t you?)
Once there lived a disgustingly wealthy couple who had everything they could possibly want with the exception of coronets of the peerage and a child of their own. For a time they amused themselves with expensive and exotic pets: miniature Crups, white peacocks, and a rare albino anaconda which neither of them was willing to touch and which they summarily disposed of when the Crups abruptly vanished. Their secondary and slightly more successful avocation was interfering in politics and lording it over the local populace, despite scarcely rating as Esquires.
Then one day, the wife (we’ll call her Narcissa) started sicking up like a particularly foul fountain each morning. The house-elves having been harshly questioned, it was determined that no food poisoning had occurred and they rejoiced that they were finally to get, well, one of their fondest wishes.
Now, Narcissa was subject to the most remarkable cravings while pregnant. In particular, she was incredibly desirous of chewing on some dragon’s blood resin from the tropical potions-ingredients conservatory owned by the surly potion-maker next door. Said master of his craft (rather appropriately named Severus) was cranky, contrary, misanthropic, something of an ascetic, and in possession of the most incredible library and laboratory known to wizard-kind. Being in possession of such a sweet setup, he was remarkably resistant to bribes. He was also a dab hand with curses, so threats would only suffice to provide him with a few seconds’ sardonic amusement.
With sufficient time and effort, an inducement may have been found that could have moved the sarcastic bastard to part with some of the resin; but Narcissa’s husband (for the sake of brevity, we’ll call him… oh… Lucius) had a different plan.
“My dearest, I simply can’t see you suffer like this. I’ll just slip over to that lovely conservatory and… borrow… a bit of resin for you,” Lucius said with a degree of solicitousness that Narcissa immediately found suspect.
“There is only so often you can ‘borrow’ things and claim the Imperius Curse,” Narcissa said doubtfully. “Oughtn’t we simply find some way to take possession of the entire conservatory-perhaps some manipulation of the tax rolls?”
Lucius shuddered. “Please, dearest, do not mention the ‘t’ word. We have addressed this before.” He took a breath to steady himself. “Getting caught is the entire idea. You see, these brilliant recluses are inevitably prickly in temperament and inclined to request outlandish repayment for any slight. Having caught me, he will make dire threats. I will plead your dire cravings as my motivation and beg mercy. He will decide that the only fit payment for the theft is our child, whom we will turn over to him once-”
“Dearest… I do hate to interrupt, but… You stepped in WHAT? Clear up to WHERE?”
It occurred to Lucius that if his wife really wanted some of that resin, she would likely get excellent results simply by turning her current facial expression on their recalcitrant neighbor. Still, he was unwilling to abandon his scheme quite so readily.
“My love, do not fret. Our precious could be left in your care until she is old enough to make a suitable apprentice to our surly neighbor. I rather doubt that child rearing interests him, but fellows like that are always keen to have someone to learn their art so that their cleverness will survive them. She shall go and acquire all of his secrets-all the while being right next door, so that you need only look out the window to see how well she is.”
“Insist on that part in writing,” Narcissa said, in the same forbidding tones as before.
Lucius breezed on as if unperturbed. “Then, we shall simply wait until our little darling’s unearthly beauty and sad captivity become common knowledge.” Husband and wife became distracted for a moment by their own reflections in nearby polished surfaces before Lucius continued. “Up will ride a suitable prince on some grand and very expensive-to-maintain creature like an Abraxan or an Aeolian or possibly even a white Hippogriff-which would be particularly impressive, given pure white ones are about as rare as phoenix guano-” Lucius was lost in contemplation for a moment with the idea of the amount of money and power required to obtain and keep such a creature, “save our precious, and be so utterly taken with her charms that he marries her. Voila! Instant royalty in the family, with all attendant ribbons and honors and so forth.”
“I foresee one problem already; we don’t know whether we’re having a boy or a girl,” Narcissa said, notching her tone of voice down from ‘frozen steel’ back to ‘doubtful.’
“In any case, gorgeousness is a guarantee for any child of ours.” He took a moment to smooth back a stray strand of gossamer hair, while Narcissa discreetly checked the ‘glow’ charms on the apples of her cheeks. “At worst, he could become the prince’s trusted companion and make himself irresistible to one of the prince’s sisters. Truly, though-what are the chances we should have a male heir on the first go?”
Which just goes to show how very little value a purchased ‘O’ in Divination confers on the buyer.
Chapter the First: In Which Unwise Incursions are Made
Chapter the Second: In Which Hare-Brained Ideas are Committed to Parchment
Chapter the Third: In Which Childbirth Transpires
Chapter the Fourth: In Which Severus Gains an Apprentice...
Chapter the Fifth: ...and Begins Losing His Mind
Chapter the Sixth: ... In Which it is Established that This is a Hairy Situation
Chapter the Seventh: In Which ‘Dracaena Draco,’ etc. Becomes a Household Word
Chapter the Eighth: In Which There Are Queer Developments
Chapter the Ninth: In Which Draco is Blond
Chapter the Tenth: In Which Loopholes are Sought
Chapter the Eleventh: In Which Desperate Measures are Taken
Chapter the Twelfth: In Which Severus Sees More Than He Would Have Preferred
Chapter the Thirteenth: In Which Draco is a Princess
Chapter the Fourteenth: In Which Harry is Awfully Short for a Prince
Chapter the Fifteenth: In Which Draco’s Prince Comes...
Epilogue: In Which Severus is Through With This Sh*t
Comprehensive Fic List
Fun fact: This story started out as a response to a Friday Truth or Dare challenge in the TPP chat room. When it became obvious that it would not be finished that night (or indeed, that year... or decade... I quickly wrote 'Platinumlocks and the Three Gryffindors' instead and shoved this one on the back burner. Enjoy the resulting overdone yet paradoxically half-baked mess.
Prologue: In Which Ideas are Hare-Brained
By dracontia
Summary: Once upon a time, Lucius Malfoy decided to execute a tediously convoluted scheme that went (from his perspective, at least) ridiculously wrong. That really narrows it down, doesn’t it?
Disclaimer: JKR & other wealthy letters own the HP characters. Rapunzel is public domain, at least until Disney figures out how to sanitize it sufficiently. Good luck with that once I’m done with it… (You can tell how long ago I started this one, can’t you?)
Once there lived a disgustingly wealthy couple who had everything they could possibly want with the exception of coronets of the peerage and a child of their own. For a time they amused themselves with expensive and exotic pets: miniature Crups, white peacocks, and a rare albino anaconda which neither of them was willing to touch and which they summarily disposed of when the Crups abruptly vanished. Their secondary and slightly more successful avocation was interfering in politics and lording it over the local populace, despite scarcely rating as Esquires.
Then one day, the wife (we’ll call her Narcissa) started sicking up like a particularly foul fountain each morning. The house-elves having been harshly questioned, it was determined that no food poisoning had occurred and they rejoiced that they were finally to get, well, one of their fondest wishes.
Now, Narcissa was subject to the most remarkable cravings while pregnant. In particular, she was incredibly desirous of chewing on some dragon’s blood resin from the tropical potions-ingredients conservatory owned by the surly potion-maker next door. Said master of his craft (rather appropriately named Severus) was cranky, contrary, misanthropic, something of an ascetic, and in possession of the most incredible library and laboratory known to wizard-kind. Being in possession of such a sweet setup, he was remarkably resistant to bribes. He was also a dab hand with curses, so threats would only suffice to provide him with a few seconds’ sardonic amusement.
With sufficient time and effort, an inducement may have been found that could have moved the sarcastic bastard to part with some of the resin; but Narcissa’s husband (for the sake of brevity, we’ll call him… oh… Lucius) had a different plan.
“My dearest, I simply can’t see you suffer like this. I’ll just slip over to that lovely conservatory and… borrow… a bit of resin for you,” Lucius said with a degree of solicitousness that Narcissa immediately found suspect.
“There is only so often you can ‘borrow’ things and claim the Imperius Curse,” Narcissa said doubtfully. “Oughtn’t we simply find some way to take possession of the entire conservatory-perhaps some manipulation of the tax rolls?”
Lucius shuddered. “Please, dearest, do not mention the ‘t’ word. We have addressed this before.” He took a breath to steady himself. “Getting caught is the entire idea. You see, these brilliant recluses are inevitably prickly in temperament and inclined to request outlandish repayment for any slight. Having caught me, he will make dire threats. I will plead your dire cravings as my motivation and beg mercy. He will decide that the only fit payment for the theft is our child, whom we will turn over to him once-”
“Dearest… I do hate to interrupt, but… You stepped in WHAT? Clear up to WHERE?”
It occurred to Lucius that if his wife really wanted some of that resin, she would likely get excellent results simply by turning her current facial expression on their recalcitrant neighbor. Still, he was unwilling to abandon his scheme quite so readily.
“My love, do not fret. Our precious could be left in your care until she is old enough to make a suitable apprentice to our surly neighbor. I rather doubt that child rearing interests him, but fellows like that are always keen to have someone to learn their art so that their cleverness will survive them. She shall go and acquire all of his secrets-all the while being right next door, so that you need only look out the window to see how well she is.”
“Insist on that part in writing,” Narcissa said, in the same forbidding tones as before.
Lucius breezed on as if unperturbed. “Then, we shall simply wait until our little darling’s unearthly beauty and sad captivity become common knowledge.” Husband and wife became distracted for a moment by their own reflections in nearby polished surfaces before Lucius continued. “Up will ride a suitable prince on some grand and very expensive-to-maintain creature like an Abraxan or an Aeolian or possibly even a white Hippogriff-which would be particularly impressive, given pure white ones are about as rare as phoenix guano-” Lucius was lost in contemplation for a moment with the idea of the amount of money and power required to obtain and keep such a creature, “save our precious, and be so utterly taken with her charms that he marries her. Voila! Instant royalty in the family, with all attendant ribbons and honors and so forth.”
“I foresee one problem already; we don’t know whether we’re having a boy or a girl,” Narcissa said, notching her tone of voice down from ‘frozen steel’ back to ‘doubtful.’
“In any case, gorgeousness is a guarantee for any child of ours.” He took a moment to smooth back a stray strand of gossamer hair, while Narcissa discreetly checked the ‘glow’ charms on the apples of her cheeks. “At worst, he could become the prince’s trusted companion and make himself irresistible to one of the prince’s sisters. Truly, though-what are the chances we should have a male heir on the first go?”
Which just goes to show how very little value a purchased ‘O’ in Divination confers on the buyer.
Chapter the First: In Which Unwise Incursions are Made
Chapter the Second: In Which Hare-Brained Ideas are Committed to Parchment
Chapter the Third: In Which Childbirth Transpires
Chapter the Fourth: In Which Severus Gains an Apprentice...
Chapter the Fifth: ...and Begins Losing His Mind
Chapter the Sixth: ... In Which it is Established that This is a Hairy Situation
Chapter the Seventh: In Which ‘Dracaena Draco,’ etc. Becomes a Household Word
Chapter the Eighth: In Which There Are Queer Developments
Chapter the Ninth: In Which Draco is Blond
Chapter the Tenth: In Which Loopholes are Sought
Chapter the Eleventh: In Which Desperate Measures are Taken
Chapter the Twelfth: In Which Severus Sees More Than He Would Have Preferred
Chapter the Thirteenth: In Which Draco is a Princess
Chapter the Fourteenth: In Which Harry is Awfully Short for a Prince
Chapter the Fifteenth: In Which Draco’s Prince Comes...
Epilogue: In Which Severus is Through With This Sh*t
Comprehensive Fic List
Fun fact: This story started out as a response to a Friday Truth or Dare challenge in the TPP chat room. When it became obvious that it would not be finished that night (or indeed, that year... or decade... I quickly wrote 'Platinumlocks and the Three Gryffindors' instead and shoved this one on the back burner. Enjoy the resulting overdone yet paradoxically half-baked mess.