Strength in Pain: Lay Down Your Burdens
When I started posting Strength in Pain, which is how I conceived my AE, I made the decision to subtitle all of the chapters after various episodes from the entire run of the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica which inspired me. Having said that, I realize that I am being arrogant in doing so. I would never argue that my chapters would equal the glory that is either Six of One, (which haunts me for days even during a re-watch) or LDYB.
Still, when I re-read the following in preparation for posting, I got the same feeling as I did with parts of LDYB, that of temporary relief. It permeates those last few scenes when Kara is search for Cottle, the feeling among many that this is a new beginning, that they can put down their burdens, at least for a moment. How wrong they were. It is that contrast in outcome that I love about this show, and which I wanted to tap into for the following.
Spoilers - Obviously it is an AE, don't read unless you have seen everything and are ready for some angst. Of course, that applies to all that is my Galactica.
Standard Disclaimers apply - Battlestar Galactica doesn't belong to me.
Strength in Pain
Part One, The Plan - http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/1147.html
Part Two, Six of One - http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/3409.html
Lay Down Your Burdens
Laura Roslin has a plan.
She knows it’s a bad plan. She knows that it has stupid written all over it. She knew this, knew it even before Bill tore it to shreds; knew it even before he called in Saul and then Kara to do the same. She knows it’s a bad plan, that the chances of it succeeding are slim. She also knows she has few options and that none of them are good. She blessed Lee’s foresight. Maybe he had inherited some of his father’s famous prescience after all. Even then, it's a rotten plan. It's still the only one she’s got. She prays to the gods she had only recently started believing in (and whom of late she had spent much time cursing) that it might be enough.
Only once in a while did she wonder what she had done to anger them. Since their discovery of the Original Earth she had questioned the gods, questioned her role in the prophecies and as leader of the Colonies. Maybe she'd be wrong to do so. Maybe this had been the plan all along; maybe this is what the prophecies meant when they spoke of the Dying Leader and the search for a new home.
No. She refused to believe that.
She had increasingly come to believe destiny was overrated.
She was Laura Roslin, President of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol, Beloved of William Adama, Admiral of the Colonial Fleet. She was the mother of her people, and through Bill, the mother of Starbuck and Apollo. Most importantly, she was the master of her own fate. She would remember that, as she did what needed to be done.
Walking into the Galactica’s hanger deck, she smiled at the petite blond woman chosen to pilot her Raptor to the surface.
When you care enough to send the very best, she thought.
A man as stoic Bill Adama expressed his love through actions as well as words. He would wrap her in care if he couldn’t be there to wrap her in his arms. He couldn’t escort her down to Earth, he'd accepted it. So. He had chosen Kara Thrace, his best pilot and, more importantly, his daughter in all but blood.
Standing on the landing strip of the Raptor, she turned to hold his eyes as the honor guard completed the formal ceremonies. She felt little need to cry, despite her earlier fears. She could still feel his lips on hers, feel his arms protectively around her. Feel the imprint of his lips from minutes previously, when he had whisked her into an unoccupied corridor and had slammed her into the bulkhead, covering her protectively with his body. Feel the imprint from when he had kissed her as if they had never heard of cancer, had never heard of diloxan. Never heard of Pythia or the prophecies. Never been exiled, twice, from their home.
She kept her focus on his cobalt gaze and could almost feel his strength flowing into her, could almost feel him try to wrap his love around her from a distance.
His voice boomed across the hanger deck, echoing across the crowd, which was massive but deadly quiet.
‘Laura Roslin: President of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol. Departing!’
Laura held his gaze until the hatch closed. She then turned to her pilot. Starbuck was as serious as Laura had ever seen her. Despite acting as Laura’s official escort, she was dressed in her flight suit and carried her side arm. This was not a ceremonial mission.
Laura moved into the co-pilot seat as Kara strapped in and began pre-flight procedures. She would have the best view out the windshield onto the Galactica’s flight deck from this angle. She had no intention of giving up any of that precious view. She had no intention of sitting demurely in the back when she could console herself with the view and when she could be comforted by the presence of family.
She waited until they had cleared the bulk of the old battlestar and the remainder of the fleet before asking Kara to put on the autopilot, just for a moment. They hadn’t yet begun their descent into the planet’s atmosphere. They could spare a few minutes. She had things that needed to be said, things needed to be done.
Moving quickly, Laura surprised Kara by unstrapping and moving into her personal space, hugging the younger woman her even as she sat in the pilot’s seat. She breathed in her pilot's familiar scent and tried to remember the time when she hadn't known it. Although Kara, never entirely comfortable with affection, froze for a second, Laura waited until she relaxed and hugged her back before letting go.
‘Listen, Kara, we don’t have a lot of time, and we won’t have a chance when we reach Earth. There are some things I need you to know. I know that we haven’t always seen eye to eye...’
She smiled at the memory of holding a gun on Kara in Adama’s quarters. Thank the gods she hadn’t shot Bill’s daughter. Thank the gods she’d missed and the bullet had gone wild. Thank the gods Kara hadn’t shot her. The gods had clearly been looking after them both. She was grateful Bill had trusted Kara when Laura herself couldn’t afford to, couldn’t afford herself to risk the entire Fleet, couldn’t afford to follow her heart. Bill had found a way to do that without putting any of them at risk, and she'd always been grateful, no matter how much it had cost. No matter how much it had hurt her. Hurt them. He’d found a way, and she thanked the gods for that.
‘Madame President- Laura...’
‘No, wait. We’ve always been on the same side, and we’ve always wanted the same thing, cared for our people, our family. And I’ve always thought you were one of the most remarkable people I’d ever met. I've known it, ever since that godsforsaken moon when you were stranded and Bill and Lee lost their minds. They told me a little about you, that day, and I knew then, from the way they spoke of you, from the way they reacted to losing you, that you would be someone I could love.’
‘Laura, frak. Listen...’
‘I know New Caprica changed us, I know it pushed you to the edge. I’ve always thought that you and I were sometimes alone in understanding exactly how it changed us. Even those who loved us could never completely understand, the ways in which we were different people, after.
And I know you’ve had a tough time since.’
‘We’ve all had a tough time. Since.’
‘Yes. But you, in particular. I don’t know how, or why, you’ve came back to us after we lost you in that storm, but I am just so, so, grateful that you did. Grateful for you, Kara. Not just for your role in the prophecy, or for bringing us here. I’m grateful for you.
I know that Bill must have told you. That you’re his daughter. You must know it.’
‘He’s told me.’
‘But you have to know. Know because it’s true. Whatever else you know or think you know about yourself, you have to know that. Take it deep inside your heart. Own it.’
‘I know. I will.’
‘Good, because he loves you so much. He’s so proud of you.’
‘I know.’
‘He’s always been proud of you, you know that, right? Even when he’s worried about you, even when he’s kicking your ass.’
Even when he’s kicking the chair out from under you.
‘I know.’
‘Good. Because I hoped, if it’s okay, to share in some of that with him. To feel a little bit, like you're mine, too.’
Kara looked like she was holding back tears.
‘Frak. Don’t. Don’t frakking do this.’
‘I’d like to think that his kids are my kids.’
‘Laura - ’
‘You know, since I don’t have any of mine. At least, not since Billy.’
‘Please - ’
‘So, I’d hoped you wouldn’t mind that I’ve come to think of you that way. And that you’d let me be proud of you, too. That you’d let me worry about you, too. Just a little bit. And that you’d miss me, that you’d think of me, pray for me, from time to time.’
‘Laura - ’
Laura smiled. ‘One more thing that we share which others find difficult to understand.’
She took a deep breath, feeling her chest constrict with the effort. It would be so much easier if she could just cry. But the tears simply refused to come.
‘And, Kara, I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry. But I need to ask you one last thing.’
‘Anything.’
‘You have to be there where I can’t. You have to take care of those whom I can’t. And you have to do it as long as it needs to be done.’
‘Frak. You know I will. As long as I can, I will.’
‘You can’t run, Kara. You can't run, and you can’t leave. You need to be there. You need to take care of them. You don’t have to take care of them all. Just those two. Just my two. I don’t know what the plan was when you returned, and I don’t really care. This is all you need to know, all you need to do. I know you’re hurting right now, but I need you to do this. So stick around.
And promise me.’
Kara was crying. ‘I promise. I promise.’
Laura nodded, her eyes still dry.
'Good. And take care of yourself too. Take care of my girl. Remember to do that, too, from time to time.’
This time Kara hugged her fiercely before Laura had a chance.
She was always surprising Laura, this girl. Her Starbuck.
‘Alright then. Let’s get a move on. We’ve got things to do and not a lot of time.’
Still, when I re-read the following in preparation for posting, I got the same feeling as I did with parts of LDYB, that of temporary relief. It permeates those last few scenes when Kara is search for Cottle, the feeling among many that this is a new beginning, that they can put down their burdens, at least for a moment. How wrong they were. It is that contrast in outcome that I love about this show, and which I wanted to tap into for the following.
Spoilers - Obviously it is an AE, don't read unless you have seen everything and are ready for some angst. Of course, that applies to all that is my Galactica.
Standard Disclaimers apply - Battlestar Galactica doesn't belong to me.
Strength in Pain
Part One, The Plan - http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/1147.html
Part Two, Six of One - http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/3409.html
Lay Down Your Burdens
Laura Roslin has a plan.
She knows it’s a bad plan. She knows that it has stupid written all over it. She knew this, knew it even before Bill tore it to shreds; knew it even before he called in Saul and then Kara to do the same. She knows it’s a bad plan, that the chances of it succeeding are slim. She also knows she has few options and that none of them are good. She blessed Lee’s foresight. Maybe he had inherited some of his father’s famous prescience after all. Even then, it's a rotten plan. It's still the only one she’s got. She prays to the gods she had only recently started believing in (and whom of late she had spent much time cursing) that it might be enough.
Only once in a while did she wonder what she had done to anger them. Since their discovery of the Original Earth she had questioned the gods, questioned her role in the prophecies and as leader of the Colonies. Maybe she'd be wrong to do so. Maybe this had been the plan all along; maybe this is what the prophecies meant when they spoke of the Dying Leader and the search for a new home.
No. She refused to believe that.
She had increasingly come to believe destiny was overrated.
She was Laura Roslin, President of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol, Beloved of William Adama, Admiral of the Colonial Fleet. She was the mother of her people, and through Bill, the mother of Starbuck and Apollo. Most importantly, she was the master of her own fate. She would remember that, as she did what needed to be done.
Walking into the Galactica’s hanger deck, she smiled at the petite blond woman chosen to pilot her Raptor to the surface.
When you care enough to send the very best, she thought.
A man as stoic Bill Adama expressed his love through actions as well as words. He would wrap her in care if he couldn’t be there to wrap her in his arms. He couldn’t escort her down to Earth, he'd accepted it. So. He had chosen Kara Thrace, his best pilot and, more importantly, his daughter in all but blood.
Standing on the landing strip of the Raptor, she turned to hold his eyes as the honor guard completed the formal ceremonies. She felt little need to cry, despite her earlier fears. She could still feel his lips on hers, feel his arms protectively around her. Feel the imprint of his lips from minutes previously, when he had whisked her into an unoccupied corridor and had slammed her into the bulkhead, covering her protectively with his body. Feel the imprint from when he had kissed her as if they had never heard of cancer, had never heard of diloxan. Never heard of Pythia or the prophecies. Never been exiled, twice, from their home.
She kept her focus on his cobalt gaze and could almost feel his strength flowing into her, could almost feel him try to wrap his love around her from a distance.
His voice boomed across the hanger deck, echoing across the crowd, which was massive but deadly quiet.
‘Laura Roslin: President of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol. Departing!’
Laura held his gaze until the hatch closed. She then turned to her pilot. Starbuck was as serious as Laura had ever seen her. Despite acting as Laura’s official escort, she was dressed in her flight suit and carried her side arm. This was not a ceremonial mission.
Laura moved into the co-pilot seat as Kara strapped in and began pre-flight procedures. She would have the best view out the windshield onto the Galactica’s flight deck from this angle. She had no intention of giving up any of that precious view. She had no intention of sitting demurely in the back when she could console herself with the view and when she could be comforted by the presence of family.
She waited until they had cleared the bulk of the old battlestar and the remainder of the fleet before asking Kara to put on the autopilot, just for a moment. They hadn’t yet begun their descent into the planet’s atmosphere. They could spare a few minutes. She had things that needed to be said, things needed to be done.
Moving quickly, Laura surprised Kara by unstrapping and moving into her personal space, hugging the younger woman her even as she sat in the pilot’s seat. She breathed in her pilot's familiar scent and tried to remember the time when she hadn't known it. Although Kara, never entirely comfortable with affection, froze for a second, Laura waited until she relaxed and hugged her back before letting go.
‘Listen, Kara, we don’t have a lot of time, and we won’t have a chance when we reach Earth. There are some things I need you to know. I know that we haven’t always seen eye to eye...’
She smiled at the memory of holding a gun on Kara in Adama’s quarters. Thank the gods she hadn’t shot Bill’s daughter. Thank the gods she’d missed and the bullet had gone wild. Thank the gods Kara hadn’t shot her. The gods had clearly been looking after them both. She was grateful Bill had trusted Kara when Laura herself couldn’t afford to, couldn’t afford herself to risk the entire Fleet, couldn’t afford to follow her heart. Bill had found a way to do that without putting any of them at risk, and she'd always been grateful, no matter how much it had cost. No matter how much it had hurt her. Hurt them. He’d found a way, and she thanked the gods for that.
‘Madame President- Laura...’
‘No, wait. We’ve always been on the same side, and we’ve always wanted the same thing, cared for our people, our family. And I’ve always thought you were one of the most remarkable people I’d ever met. I've known it, ever since that godsforsaken moon when you were stranded and Bill and Lee lost their minds. They told me a little about you, that day, and I knew then, from the way they spoke of you, from the way they reacted to losing you, that you would be someone I could love.’
‘Laura, frak. Listen...’
‘I know New Caprica changed us, I know it pushed you to the edge. I’ve always thought that you and I were sometimes alone in understanding exactly how it changed us. Even those who loved us could never completely understand, the ways in which we were different people, after.
And I know you’ve had a tough time since.’
‘We’ve all had a tough time. Since.’
‘Yes. But you, in particular. I don’t know how, or why, you’ve came back to us after we lost you in that storm, but I am just so, so, grateful that you did. Grateful for you, Kara. Not just for your role in the prophecy, or for bringing us here. I’m grateful for you.
I know that Bill must have told you. That you’re his daughter. You must know it.’
‘He’s told me.’
‘But you have to know. Know because it’s true. Whatever else you know or think you know about yourself, you have to know that. Take it deep inside your heart. Own it.’
‘I know. I will.’
‘Good, because he loves you so much. He’s so proud of you.’
‘I know.’
‘He’s always been proud of you, you know that, right? Even when he’s worried about you, even when he’s kicking your ass.’
Even when he’s kicking the chair out from under you.
‘I know.’
‘Good. Because I hoped, if it’s okay, to share in some of that with him. To feel a little bit, like you're mine, too.’
Kara looked like she was holding back tears.
‘Frak. Don’t. Don’t frakking do this.’
‘I’d like to think that his kids are my kids.’
‘Laura - ’
‘You know, since I don’t have any of mine. At least, not since Billy.’
‘Please - ’
‘So, I’d hoped you wouldn’t mind that I’ve come to think of you that way. And that you’d let me be proud of you, too. That you’d let me worry about you, too. Just a little bit. And that you’d miss me, that you’d think of me, pray for me, from time to time.’
‘Laura - ’
Laura smiled. ‘One more thing that we share which others find difficult to understand.’
She took a deep breath, feeling her chest constrict with the effort. It would be so much easier if she could just cry. But the tears simply refused to come.
‘And, Kara, I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry. But I need to ask you one last thing.’
‘Anything.’
‘You have to be there where I can’t. You have to take care of those whom I can’t. And you have to do it as long as it needs to be done.’
‘Frak. You know I will. As long as I can, I will.’
‘You can’t run, Kara. You can't run, and you can’t leave. You need to be there. You need to take care of them. You don’t have to take care of them all. Just those two. Just my two. I don’t know what the plan was when you returned, and I don’t really care. This is all you need to know, all you need to do. I know you’re hurting right now, but I need you to do this. So stick around.
And promise me.’
Kara was crying. ‘I promise. I promise.’
Laura nodded, her eyes still dry.
'Good. And take care of yourself too. Take care of my girl. Remember to do that, too, from time to time.’
This time Kara hugged her fiercely before Laura had a chance.
She was always surprising Laura, this girl. Her Starbuck.
‘Alright then. Let’s get a move on. We’ve got things to do and not a lot of time.’