For Clark

[downsidedarling]

The cat lady who lives in the apartment just above Anna's is, by now, used to seeing funny lights outside the window

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[hero_farmboy]

"Seeing as how you're still upset and I'm still feeling guilty beyond belief, no, I don't think we have. But I'm not sure what to do about either of that."

[downsidedarling]

She leans over to kiss him on the cheek.

"You don't need to feel guilty for what you do when you're on red K, Clark. And yeah, I know, you're still going to feel guilty anyways. But at least I tried, right?"

Tiny smile.

"And as for me... I think I'd have to figure out what exacly I'm upset about before I could get started fixing it." She sighs again.

[hero_farmboy]

"I would think knowing your boyfriend was making out with and proposing to other women all day, regardless of outside influences, would be pretty upsetting," he offers for starters. "I am sorry about everything."

[downsidedarling]

"Strangely enough, I'm pretty calm about that part," Anna admits. "Like I said, we've been over it: you have feelings for Lana, but it doesn't have to affect our relationship. The fact that you did all that while on red K proves the first half, and..." She smiles. "The fact that you're still here apologizing to me proves the second."

[hero_farmboy]

"Okay," he stares back down at his hands. "Then what are you upset about, then, if not any of that?"

[downsidedarling]

It wouldn't be an unpleasantly honest relationship talk if she just said she wasn't sure and left it at that.

So she draws her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on them, staring out at the wall.

"It gets tough to remember you care about me," she says softly, "when you go through a day like this ignoring me in favour of everyone else."

Restless shrug.

"It's not hearing you tell Lana you were in love with her that upset me so much as the fact that..."

No matter her resolution that she's going to be straightforward: it's still difficult to say this.

"...that you'll say it to her and not me."

[hero_farmboy]

"Oh."

Oh.

Oh.

"I..." Clark really doesn't know what to say to that. "It's... not habit exactly, but well, I've been saying it to her for years, now. It's ... easy, in a way." He shrugs, still not looking at Anna. "I don't know how else to explain it."

[downsidedarling]

And Anna is still not looking at Clark. Funny how that works.

"Right," she says, clearly unsatisfied.

[hero_farmboy]

"She's the only girl I've ever said it to," he adds, hoping that doesn't get taken the wrong way.

[downsidedarling]

It is not apparent to Anna what the right way to take that statement is, if such a way even exists.

This uncertainty is made remarkably clear by the sidelong glance she gives him.

[hero_farmboy]

"It scares me, all right? I believed it with Lana. I thought she and I were meant to be together and we were going to be happy for the rest of our lives and that really, really didn't happen. And then there was Alicia and she," he stops briefly, not frowning completely, but his lips twitch in that direction. "That didn't work out either. I just... I don't want to go through that again unless I'm absolutely sure."

[downsidedarling]

She nods.

"Yeah, I hear you."

Tiny smile.

"I'm scared too, Clark. But I guess I'm just a risk-taker." Softly: "You can't ever be absolutely sure about things. It's just not how the world works. But sometimes it's worth a chance of fucking up, just to try it."

[hero_farmboy]

"Yeah, but I'm not a risk-taker. And when I screw up, it tends to put the world in danger," Clark sighs. "For once, I'd just like something to be easy."

[downsidedarling]

"At least," she says dryly, "it's fairly unlikely that screwing up in this context will cause the Apocalypse."

[hero_farmboy]

"You'd be surprised," he mutters bitterly and then sighs again.

"Maybe. I don't know. I'm just tired of things being complicated."

[downsidedarling]

"Now there's a sentiment I can get behind."

Anna sighs.

"Unfortunately, wishing for things to be simpler does not make it so."