G.I. Joe Spytroopers: A Reaction
Title: G.I. Joes Spytroopers: A Reaction
Rating: PG
Universe: G.I. Joe
Summery: Because the movie was so godawful, it had to be done.
G.I. JOE SPYTROOPERS: A REACTION
Jason Clark and K.A. Maples
[[ The following was received from a wire tap from Destro Castle, Scotland.]]
BARONESS: God, zhis iz awful.
DESTRO: But that is the most accurate portrayal of Cobra Commander I've ever seen.
BARONESS:Aye, zhat it iz. Just vatching him makes my head hurt.
DESTROY: We talk, he doesn't listen.
BARONESS: He remindz me of my three year old nephew.
DESTRO: Storm Shadow has never used a gun in all the years I've seen him in action.
[pause]
BARONESS: Vell, zhat vas practically pulled from a bad kung fu movie.... Und Scarlette talks too much.
[pause]
BARONESS: Tell me I don't zound like zhat.
DESTRO: They got Keanu Reevs to voice Beachhead. 'Dude, it's lie, dude.'
BARONESS: *laughs* Zeh Joes vere right. Zeh parot does a perfect impersonation of Cobra Commander.
DESTRO: *Laughing* And they made Zartan Cobra Commander's Lap dog. I say we sent those unwashed Dreadknocks a copy and watch Zartan's head implode.
BARONESS: Zhat vill be more entertaining than zhis peice of drivel. Haff you ever heard Shipwreck spout off like that?
DESTRO: I see the writers learned explosives from Looney Toons. A tank making a tunnel? preposterous.
BARONESS: Und zeh troups learned to shoot from zeh storm troupers from Star Vars.
DESTRO: And the pluck their eyeballs out before they aim.
BARONESS: How *did* Cobra Commander become our leader, anyvay?
DESTRO: Large Suitcases stuffed with hundred dollar bills. I just supply him with weapons.
BARONESS: How does he *ztay* in charge? Vhy have the troups not mutinied?
DESTRO: I try not to think about it.
BARONESS: Mindbender iz zuch a tool.
DESTRO: I can't believe they have me asking for that technology. If I want it, I steal it, improve it and make it myself.
BARONESS: Tanks do not move zhat fast.
DESTRO: And I don't talk like that.
BARONESS: Zhat punch should haff broken Duke's hand.
DESTRO: That old cliche gas grenade?
BARONESS: Pah. I vhold haff killed her vhile she vas coughing. Rip her hair out by the roots and throw her over the rail!
DESTRO: *mocking voice* The mountain will explode in 3 seconds! ten minuets later it's still blowing up.
BARONESS: Oh god. Not zhat awful theme music...
DESTRO: Cobra Commander at the end of that was actually pretty accurate. Hold on, hold on. Rewind that. Did they Voice credit Snake-eyes?
BARONESS: Yes, zhey did.
DESTRO: That has to be the easiest job in Hollywood. Memorizing Snake-eye’s lines
BARONESS: Ve must find zeh people who made this. And kill them.
[The sound of a door being kicked in]
COBRA COMMANDER: They turned me into some sort of a bafoon! I want the people who made that movie found and I want them killed! A lot!
Rating: PG
Universe: G.I. Joe
Summery: Because the movie was so godawful, it had to be done.
G.I. JOE SPYTROOPERS: A REACTION
Jason Clark and K.A. Maples
[[ The following was received from a wire tap from Destro Castle, Scotland.]]
BARONESS: God, zhis iz awful.
DESTRO: But that is the most accurate portrayal of Cobra Commander I've ever seen.
BARONESS:Aye, zhat it iz. Just vatching him makes my head hurt.
DESTROY: We talk, he doesn't listen.
BARONESS: He remindz me of my three year old nephew.
DESTRO: Storm Shadow has never used a gun in all the years I've seen him in action.
[pause]
BARONESS: Vell, zhat vas practically pulled from a bad kung fu movie.... Und Scarlette talks too much.
[pause]
BARONESS: Tell me I don't zound like zhat.
DESTRO: They got Keanu Reevs to voice Beachhead. 'Dude, it's lie, dude.'
BARONESS: *laughs* Zeh Joes vere right. Zeh parot does a perfect impersonation of Cobra Commander.
DESTRO: *Laughing* And they made Zartan Cobra Commander's Lap dog. I say we sent those unwashed Dreadknocks a copy and watch Zartan's head implode.
BARONESS: Zhat vill be more entertaining than zhis peice of drivel. Haff you ever heard Shipwreck spout off like that?
DESTRO: I see the writers learned explosives from Looney Toons. A tank making a tunnel? preposterous.
BARONESS: Und zeh troups learned to shoot from zeh storm troupers from Star Vars.
DESTRO: And the pluck their eyeballs out before they aim.
BARONESS: How *did* Cobra Commander become our leader, anyvay?
DESTRO: Large Suitcases stuffed with hundred dollar bills. I just supply him with weapons.
BARONESS: How does he *ztay* in charge? Vhy have the troups not mutinied?
DESTRO: I try not to think about it.
BARONESS: Mindbender iz zuch a tool.
DESTRO: I can't believe they have me asking for that technology. If I want it, I steal it, improve it and make it myself.
BARONESS: Tanks do not move zhat fast.
DESTRO: And I don't talk like that.
BARONESS: Zhat punch should haff broken Duke's hand.
DESTRO: That old cliche gas grenade?
BARONESS: Pah. I vhold haff killed her vhile she vas coughing. Rip her hair out by the roots and throw her over the rail!
DESTRO: *mocking voice* The mountain will explode in 3 seconds! ten minuets later it's still blowing up.
BARONESS: Oh god. Not zhat awful theme music...
DESTRO: Cobra Commander at the end of that was actually pretty accurate. Hold on, hold on. Rewind that. Did they Voice credit Snake-eyes?
BARONESS: Yes, zhey did.
DESTRO: That has to be the easiest job in Hollywood. Memorizing Snake-eye’s lines
BARONESS: Ve must find zeh people who made this. And kill them.
[The sound of a door being kicked in]
COBRA COMMANDER: They turned me into some sort of a bafoon! I want the people who made that movie found and I want them killed! A lot!