The Hogwarts Umbrella Corp. Revisited

Jun 15, 2004 20:08

Some weeks ago, soawen and I created a monster. It all started innocently (right, ellensmithee?) enough, with discussions of the different cane varieties and culminated in soawen's replying to my comment on Hagrid's multifunctional umbrella: "Umbrella Corp?"

To which I replied: "I wouldn't put is past Hagrid to breed zombies in the basement. "Look 'ere, 'arry, if yeh hand 'em the piece of meat like this and hold 'em at a distance with the cane, they can't hurt yeh!""

And so the plot was born.



Soawen: Aided by Snape, of course: "Entry #21: Subjects still not rabid enough, but ability to obey simple orders as 'feed' is beginning to show."

Donna: "Entry #54: Progress too slow. If subjects maintain blatant hostility will have to feed them moron assistant."

Soawen: "Entry #61: Fed them moron assistent. Dumbledore not happy. Will feed them again soon."

Donna: Entry #74: Dumbledore fuming. Potter-incident not my fault. What? I pulled him back before he could lose the other arm, too. Nosy brat.

Soawen: Entry #83: Zombies breed through biting living things? Moron assistent is helping to test this theory.

Donna: Entry #98: Ashamed to say, but: giant moron right. Breeding such fun! Subjects very bite-friendly. Basement getting crowded.

Soawen: Entry 109: As are dungeons. Hate Gryffindor Tower. Want dungeons back.

Donna: Entry #111: Dungeons don't agree with subjects. Humidity increases rotting factor. Found three fingers and one ear on my way to classroom. Note to self: Install subjects in Gryff. Tower and move self back to dungeons.

Soawen: Entry #112: Where is subject 17? Where the fuck is 17?!

Donna: Entry #113: Found 17 lurching in the Charms classroom. No, that's not 17. That's Potter. Why is he lurching?!

Soawen: Entry #114: Moron assistent cannot zip pants un-assisted. Isn't it moron giant's job to care for ... creatures?

Donna: Entry #115: Giant moron assistant let 12 and 76 escape. Idiot! Went looking for them, ran into 76 and Filch, still in shock. Seems subjects learned to zip and unzip pants all right.

Soawen: Entry #121: 12 might be salvaged yet, but 76 is beyound repair. Damn Ravenclaw curiosity.

Donna: Entry #122: Oh well. Will have to breed some more. Subjects' fingers surprisingly versatile potions ingredients.

Soawen: Entry #135: Assign detention to next student seen as self do not want to mop up the subjects' recent hair ball sprays.

Inspired by my boss's theory of Ron's coming back to fight as zombie warrior on Voldemort's side which I mentioned the other day, I searched ff.net for zombie-centric HP fics. There are only four, one of which is called "Zombie Siriusbrain". I feel the fandom could do with some zombie input. (This comment was brought to you by a deadicated Reg Shoe fan.)

genre: crack, character: severus snape, fandom: harry potter

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