Serious But Happy Post #2
The last time I made a post titled as such, was in July. It was my six months drug-free.
Today, January the tenth 2011, it is my year.
I seriously don't know how I made it this far.
Even better, I can say that I no longer have any secret stashes hidden around the house.
I was working towards the goal of having my knee surgery - which didn't happen and may never happen - but I still feel a million times better than I did physically a year ago. It wasn't for nothing.
Still, mentally, I know why I let it go on for so long. It is so much easier to live in a haze, than deal with what it turns out is some anxiety and trouble sleeping. I can't tell if it was this bad before the drugs got out of control, or if I have just lost the ability to deal with these issues after years of covering them up with pills.
A few months ago I did have to start taking Melatonin at night, because I wasn't sleeping and would literally be shaking in bed, unable to unclench my jaw. I was extremely reluctant to take it, even though it is all-natural, but it was the only thing my doctor felt safe suggesting.
In the end, I know I wasn't the best person when I was strung out and stoned all the time. I wasn't running around stealing people's TVs to support my habit or anything, but I was adding more stress to the shoulders of people who were just trying to help me; a few family members and some fantastic friends.
Most of the time, that was The BFF and The Sister. They were both going through some rough times and I wasn't really there for them the way I should have been. I can never be sorry enough for that. I don't know if there is anything I can do to help with the loads they are both currently carrying, but I can at least try to not add any extra stress to their lives now.
Sometimes I still think slipping back into the oblivion would be an easier way to live - but then I think about the things I have gained and try to focus on those things. One of which, for you my LJ friends, is fic writing. I wrote as many words in 2010, as I wrote in the entirety of the last five years before I got off the pills. So word to that. :)
Now I have to go to bed, so that I can get up this afternoon, when The BFF is taking me to get my VERY FIRST TATTOO! Then The Sister is buying us Olive Garden to celebrate.
Wait until the tat heals, you guys, and I will post pictures. I cannot thank tringic enough for cleaning up my design for me. It looks amazing and is just what I pictured!
Real Life post is over now.
I'll be back later this week with Fic! Yes, I will.