"Wise Up" 12/?
Author's Note: Wow, I'm actually posting an update before midnight, EST. ;) That's because outside of some coding, I finished writing the fic at work today (shhh). It's funny, I have a Sony Walkman™ with a TV band and the Oprah repeat was her set visit to GA so I was writing about Grey's while listening. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy this update, I think there will be some satisfied readers with this one (crosses fingers)! As always, thanks to all who read and those of you who review. Much appreciated!
Title: Wise Up ch. 12
Rating: PG-13, I guess. Adult themes. Some swearing.
Summary: Derek and Addison are trying to come to terms with their feelings for each other and their behavior towards each other. Will they be able to face their demons and be stronger or will they give up? Circa end season 2, with my spin on things.
Disclaimer: Fanfiction, only. No infringement intended. ABC, Touchstone Television, Shonda and Co. own Grey's Anatomy.
Previous chapters may be found:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
"You're pregnant," a stunned Mark repeated, his eyes skimming over her body to see if he could make out any of the physical changes, but except for looking more tired, he didn't notice any difference. She must not be far along, he thought to himself.
Turning to face him, Addison repeated, "Yes. I am." She had turned away when Mark initially asked not because she was ashamed to be carrying her husband's child, but because she was tired. Tired and frustrated. And she didn't want to deal with a bombardment of questions from Mark of all people. It was none of his business.
Blurting out the first thing he thought of, he asked, "How did that happen?"
Giving a sarcastic chuckle, Addison retorted, "Gee Mark, you're a doctor, figure it out. How do you think it happened?"
"But I thought…" his voice trailed off, not sure if he wanted Addison to know what he thought-or didn't-think about her marriage.
"You thought Derek and I weren't sleeping together? Really?"
He shrugged. "He's my husband, Mark," she reminded him in an even tone.
"He sure as hell isn't acting like it. Or he wasn't when I showed up."
"Oh yeah, when you showed up to bring me back to New York, that worked so well, didn't it?"
"You're here now," he pointed out.
"I came here to visit."
"Savvy and Weiss? Nancy? Everyone else? Why is it that your husband isn't here?" he demurred, his tone sardonic as he said 'husband.'
"Why is it any of your business, Mark?"
"Because I care about you, Addison. Damn it don't you know how much? Do you think you're the only one who lost out when Derek found us together? I lost my best friend of over thirty fucking years, Addison! He was more than my friend, he was my brother!"
"And yet you had no qualms sleeping with his wife."
Shaking his head, Mark stepped closer near her. "That's not how it was and you know it. I loved you. I still love you. You were miserable. He ignored you for so long. He forgot all the special occasions. He wasn't there for you when you were in pain and needed him. He wasn't there for you on the anniversary of…"
Shaking her head so tears wouldn't fall she said, "Damn it Mark. Don't. Don't you dare bring that up. I told Derek he can't use that as a way to guilt me and don't you dare either."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was just trying to make a point."
"Duly noted. Now can I go?"
"What are you going to do about it, Addison? I mean, are you going to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the baby? How is that going to be any good for you let alone the baby?"
"You don't know what you're saying."
"Addison, I was there. I saw him. He punched my lights out because he was pissed at me and not because of the fact that I slept with you or the fact that I was talking to you or there to bring you back home, but because I was talking to his precious Meredith Grey."
Clenching her teeth, Addison was stoic as she said, "Yeah well things change, Mark. You should know that better than most."
"Fair enough. But I don't think they've changed that much, otherwise you wouldn't be here or he would be here with you. How the hell can that jackass not be by your side now? He should be here with you while you go to your appointments with Nancy or whoever your doctor will be. He should be supporting you, making sure that you are getting enough sleep-and I can tell by those bags under your eyes that you're not-and making sure that you are not overly stressed or working too hard. He should be making sure you're eating enough and getting vitamins and milk and everything else. He should be there. I can't believe he's not doing everything in his power to make sure you are taking care of yourself and that baby."
"You're assuming quite a bit. Maybe I told him I didn't want him there."
"Then good for you. But someone needs to take care of you."
"Someone meaning you?"
"Yes." He was firm and he meant it-at least he thought he did.
Shaking her head, she told him, "Oh Mark you're not ready to be a stand-in father."
"How do you know?"
"Because I know you. You're not. You may mean all well and good right now but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of day-to-day fatherhood? That's a different story. And like it or not, Derek is the father, so if I have the baby and he wants to be involved, then he will be, regardless of the state of our marriage."
He sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get through to her.
"I have to go. Good-bye, Mark." With a toss of her hair over her shoulders and a click of her heels, Addison departed the hospital, leaving Mark standing in his place, mulling over what she said about him.
Was she right? Was he not father material? Mark honestly didn't know the answer to that question.
After leaving Mt. Sinai, Addison got a cab and told the driver to drop her off at Central Park. She needed to calm down after the confrontation with Mark. She also needed to think and breathe, after all that was why she was in Manhattan in the first place.
Unfortunately, there were so many memories associated with the park. Mostly memories of her and Derek. When they were best friends, when they were dating, when they were engaged, and finally when they were happily married. So many wonderful moments were spent there.
Slouching down on a bench, Addison closed her eyes and her mind flashed to a time when she and Derek were there, talking about the future. It was a warm Sunday afternoon and they had brought a picnic basket filled with goodies for lunch and a blanket to sit on as they enjoyed each other's company. "Hey baby Shepherd, how are you doing? You know, Mommy and I have a lot of plans for you," Derek had said to her stomach.
"Derek, don't put pressure on our child in utero!" she teased him with a laugh.
"What, why can't I tell him or her that I want him or her to be an astro-physicist? That's not asking a lot, is it?"
"That's a lot to strive for, babe. And we have to stop with this him or her. It's confusing. What if it's a hermaphrodite?"
"Addison!" he said in mock shock.
"Well, it could happen," she reminded him with a giggle.
"Don't listen to your Mommy, baby. You'll be perfect, we know it."
He laid his head on her chest and he could hear her strong heartbeat and he grinned, knowing that one day soon he'd be hearing their child's heartbeat. She gently stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. "Well, kiddo, Daddy's right. No matter if you're a girl or boy or have a horned tail, you'll be perfect and we'll love you. Scratch that, we already do."
"Horned tail, Addison?"
"What?" she asked coyly.
"If you weren't pregnant I'd bop you."
"Bop me? Oh Derek I'm sooo scared."
"You'd better be. I had four sisters. How do you think I got my point across-oh wait, they were the ones bopping me on the head with their purses all the time," he recalled with a groan to which his wife merely laughed.
Playfully glaring at her he said, "I don't know why those things weigh so much. I mean what do you put in there-everything but the kitchen sink?"
"That's our prerogative as women, Derek. To fill our purses full of things we likely won't use on a given day but you never know so we have to be prepared. Guys just don't understand."
"Guess not," he said, stroking her side.
"Baby Girl Shepherd will understand."
"Oh now it's Baby Girl?"
"That's right," Addison said with a nod. "Call it mother's intuition. And the fact that a purse on a guy is not exactly manly."
"So says the woman who makes me hold her purse for her," he muttered under his breath.
"Because I'm busy holding other things and your hands are free."
"Oh so you're fine with emasculating me?"
"Shut up and kiss me, Derek 'Macho Man' Shepherd," she ordered and he complied.
"I love you, Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd," he informed her after the kiss ended, his eyes shining with love.
"And I love you Derek Patrick Shepherd. And I love Cate or Patrick too." He moved over so he could cuddle with her and they sat their with their hands entwined, saying nothing and just enjoying the moment of being there, together and anticipating the wonderful future they were going to have.
Shaking her head out of reverie, Addison blinked back some tears that were beginning to form. I'm not going to cry she chanted to herself. Wrapping her arms around her abdomen, Addison looked down and whispered, "I miss your brother or sister. So much. Your daddy does too, Little One. And I miss him. I miss us. I don't know what's going to happen to us. To any of us."
Addison sat on the bench, staring at the darkening sky. It's going to rain soon, she mused. She was deep in thought about the baby and the future. Many different scenarios were running in her head. Making a go of it with Derek and being a happy family with the baby, having Derek hate her for the rest of her life for Mark and not being able to get past it, Derek leaving her for Meredith while she was pregnant because Meredith was young and unbelievably skinny and she wouldn't be much longer. Meredith and Derek raising her child. No, that would not happen, she told herself. She would never allow Meredith Grey to raise her child.
Sighing, she realized it was a possibility. If things continued to move south with them and they got a divorce, there was a likelihood that Derek would remarry and the young intern would be their child's stepmother. The thought made her queasy.
Derek was her husband, not Meredith's. Derek and Addison had spent nearly half their lives together in one shape or another. How could that be tossed aside for the flavor of the month? How could she let him go? How could she live a life without Derek Shepherd in it?
As scary as that notion was, Addison knew she could do it. She was Addison Forbes Montgomery, damn it and she could do it. She was strong, she was intelligent, she was beautiful, she was a well-respected neonatal surgeon with other specialties attached and many accolades to her name and articles in medical journals, articles written about her and by her. Money was not an object and not just because of what she'd inherited from her parents but because of what she made as a living. Hell if Addison wanted, she could quit work and be a full-time mother. Although she didn't really think she could give up her job, certainly not permanently. She'd have a support system. She could easily move back to Manhattan and get a job if not at Mt. Sinai somewhere nearby and she could get a new place because she was not about to move back into the Brownstone and she'd have Savvy and Weiss as honorary aunt and uncle to her baby and she knew that she would have the support of Derek's mother and Nancy, if not the rest of his family and she had her own family too and other friends. Friends like Naomi and Sam…no, there's no more Naomi and Sam, she said with a sigh. They're getting a divorce. But still, she knew she could count on them and they had experience with their own daughter, Addison's goddaughter, Maya.
Addison had always been an independent woman and she would be again. She didn't need the title of Mrs. Derek Shepherd, she didn't need the postscript to her name. She didn't need any of it.
What if he insisted she stay in Seattle because of the baby? Make her live there because he did? Would he go after custody? That idea made her skin crawl. It was her baby and she wouldn't let anyone take it away. If she stayed in Seattle, she had people. A strange assortment of people, but people nonetheless. Richard and Adele were good friends, almost like surrogate parents, and surely they'd help her. And she had others. Miranda Bailey. Addison's lip twisted in a smile as she thought of the Nazi who was really a kind woman and who adored kids, particularly Tuck whom Addison delivered. Their kids could even be friends one day. Much to the chagrin of Yang, she had Preston Burke on her side. And then there was Dr. Callie Torres, a new possibility of a friend, someone who was tough and didn't take any bull but someone who was very caring. And George would undoubtedly treat her well through her pregnancy. If she stayed behind in Seattle maybe she should request him more often than Karev who would surely drive her crazy.
Bottom line, it doesn't really matter where she lives. Addison could make it work on her own and that knowledge was a major relief to her.
As hard as it was to envision a future Derek-free, Addison found it nearly impossible to envision a future without the baby. Could she really have an abortion when she had wanted to be a mother for as long as she could remember? She didn't know if she'd said those words to Derek as a way to lash out at him or if she really meant it. She could terminate, she still had time and she always believed in a woman's choice. It would solve some things. Like Derek forcing himself to be the "bigger man" and stay with her for the sake of the child. There were other reasons too, but ultimately, Addison knew where she stood. She had known it all along, she just needed to voice it.
"Hey Little One, it's your Mommy. No matter if your Daddy hates me or not, no matter where we live, you and I will be OK. I promise you. You and me against the world, kiddo." She held on tightly and felt a weight lifted.
Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd was going to be a mother! A loud rumble erupted in the sky and then rain started to fall and instead of getting upset, Addison laughed as it hit her and then ran to hail a taxi.
"Are you all right, Addison?" Savvy asked when her friend entered her home dripping wet, an unreadable expression on her face.
"I'm fine, Savv. No, I'm better than fine. I'm going to be a Mom, Sweet Savvannah. And you? You're going to be the best Aunt ever," she sang.
Blinking rapidly, Savvy digested the news and then a large grin spread on her face. "I think I can handle that, Addieface." She leaned over and gave her friend a hug and then told her to change out of her wet clothes and Addison did as instructed.
She still was nervous and worried and wasn't very sure what route to take next, but a big step was made that afternoon.
Derek Shepherd couldn't recall the last time he felt so alone. Growing up with four sisters and a pack of extended family, not to mention his share of friends, Derek never had a lack of companionship. Being married to Addison was the ultimate form of companionship. She would always be there for him. He could always count on her. Until the night he caught her fucking his best friend in their bed, on his favorite sheets.
At that moment, he knew he could no longer count on the two people he always thought would be there-his wife and his best friend.
Derek maneuvered around the trailer which oddly felt smaller without Addison in there as he cooked the fish he had caught the night before. After Addison left, Derek didn't know what to do, so he went fishing hoping to clear his mind. It didn't work but at least it gave him a meal for the next day. The aroma of fish filled the trailer and Derek couldn't help but recall how much Addison hated it. "No trout for you," he'd told her that one time she'd complained. He also remembered more recently how she got sick from the smell and he didn't do anything for her. He didn't comfort her, didn't take care of her. He didn't really worry about her. And that was before they knew she was pregnant. No wonder she was so pissed at him. He'd been so inattentive to his wife.
There was no one he could go to talk about what was on his mind. The one person he should be able to go to was Mark, but Mark is the one who set this whole thing in motion. What kind of man sleeps with his best friend's wife? No, Derek amended, what kind of man would sleep with the wife of a man he'd been friends with for over thirty years? A man who thought of him as a brother? A man who brought him into the fold of his family because let's face it, his family wasn't the greatest. Derek and the rest of the Shepherd clan loved him and took care of him when his own family was unwilling or unable. And how was that repaid? With an eyeful. If Derek would have ever imagined Addison sleeping with someone, it would not have been with Mark. She knew how much they meant to each other. And Mark, Mark knew.
When Mark was in Seattle a few months ago, to win Addison back, Derek knew it went beyond a one-night stand. Not that he ever asked for the details because he wasn't that much of a masochist-then again, maybe he was. But he was led to believe it had just happened that night, it wasn't going on for months or hell even years behind his back. Which fine, that did make it easier. But Mark had feelings for Addison that much Derek could tell, finally. He idly wondered if those feelings were there all along, if he'd avoided the signs. Mark and Addison got along really well. At first meeting, they were wary of each other. Mark because he didn't like the idea of this woman coming between him and Derek and their history, Addison because she couldn't believe Derek could be best friends with someone so shallow. The two were very competitive with each other in the classroom, with Addison usually being the smarter of the two. He couldn’t pinpoint when they went from this wariness to mutual respect and eventually admiration, but they had. The truth was, Mark wasn't just superficial. He was someone who had the capacity to be very caring and kind and had a lot of other great attributes. They were just hidden. But Addison saw through his narcissism and found him to be a good friend. And Mark realized that Addison wasn't going to monopolize all of Derek's time, that Derek had enough room in his life for both of them. When that happened, they became this unstoppable Trio.
But now, like many other things in Derek's life, they were no longer. They would never ever again be MarkDerekandAddison. As much as he put on his scorned husband face, Derek was really hurt about that fact. These were the two people he depended on most in his life. And they betrayed him, with each other.
While there was still a chance to "save" things with Addison, Derek didn't feel that there would be with Mark. So Derek would never call him and spill his guts about Addison and the baby. Besides, Mark was on Addison's side these days and he'd probably chew Derek out for his attitude. A far cry from the man who was to be their first child's godfather.
Godfather, Derek deadpanned. Yeah, that is so not happening. Unless Weiss…
Pulling a beer out of the fridge, Derek took off the cap and took a big gulp as he tried to think of someone he could go to. Richard, there was Richard. But Derek was no idiot. As much as he knew Richard cared about him, he knew that Richard loved Addison more. How the hell was that? She cheated on him and yet she was the one with the sympathetic friends-friends that used to be theirs. Plus even if Richard were understanding and on his side, the fact was that Richard's own estranged wife, Adele, would definitely be on Addison's side.
That left…who? Burke? Clearly, he was on Addison's side too. Even though Derek had thought, at one point that they were friends. But Burke didn't allow Derek to call him by his first name. Yet it was fine that Satan did…Satan. Derek didn't know if that name fit Addison anymore. If she was Satan, then what did that make him? And what did that make their baby? Evil spawn? Shaking his head, he remembered that the interns called Karev that.
Miranda Bailey had, on occasion, been an ear and been someone who didn't completely hate him, but there again his wife had him beat. Addison and Bailey had become friends of late and as Miranda said, "baby trumps husband." Go figure.
Derek had no relationship with O'Malley, Karev, or the other interns. They would be on Meredith's side. Meredith…
Obviously Derek could not go to her with his Addison-and-baby dilemma. She'd be so hurt to find out that Addison was pregnant. Hell, he could tell by their run-in the elevator today that she secretly (or not-so-secretly) wished that the Shepherds were getting a divorce. If she thought they had any hope, a baby would put a severe cramp on that.
While he was eating his meal in silence, silence that wasn't comfortable but instead suffocating, Derek looked around the trailer. It was supposed to be his get-away from Manhattan, from Addison (and Mark) and every painful memory. It was supposed to be his. Eventually his and Meredith's. Addison returning changed everything. Addison's fingerprints were all over the trailer, as tiny as it was. He could smell her expensive perfume in the sheets last night when he tried, in vain, to fall asleep in their bed. Their bed…when did he begin to think of it as theirs? This morning when he was looking for something in the closet that was overstocked, a box fell down and hit him on the shoulder. A box of her shoes. The woman loved her shoes. On the stand next to the bed was one of her many crossword puzzle books. Her makeup littered the small space of the bathroom. She'd taken off a bracelet the other night and left it on the kitchen counter. Setting his plate in the sink after rinsing it, Derek picked up the bracelet and fingered it. It was one he'd given her. So many years ago. It wasn't the nicest bracelet. It certainly wasn't the most expensive one she owned or he'd given her. It was one of the first pieces of jewelry he'd bought her when they were dating so many years ago, before he had the money to afford something better. When he was able to afford it, he'd told her to get rid of that one, she didn't need to keep it. She had shaken her head, adamant that she would keep it and continue to wear it. It wasn't the cost of the gift, she'd told him; it was the meaning of it. He got it for her because he knew she'd like it as it reminded her of one that her mother let her play with as a child. True to her word, he'd find her wearing it from time-to-time and it always made him smile.
She still kept it, he whispered to no one.
After doing the dishes, Derek went outside to get some fresh air. It was a beautiful night, the stars were out in full effect and there was a light drizzle. Derek sat in his favorite chair and looked around, and it was after ten minutes of sitting there when he realized that he was looking for her. He was hoping that he would hear the roar of her silver Mercedes, signaling that she was nearly there. It started raining more and Derek's mind couldn't help but flash to last Thanksgiving when Addison was the one sitting outside in the rain, waiting for him to appear. As he had pulled up to the trailer in his jeep, Derek had been more than surprised to see his wife out there, looking so lost and alone. He couldn't believe she waited up for him. "Derek, are you done? Hurting me back? " was her question of the night. "I mean cause I need to know. Cause if not ... I gotta special order a thicker skin or something." The tears were evident, the vulnerability leaking out of her, despite how he knew it was tearing her up because she didn't want to show him her vulnerable side. The moon was out and looking at his wife whose hair was damp, she looked so beautiful, he wanted her. And then he leaned in, telling her "No anesthesia in sight….here we go" and he kissed her. Thoroughly. And they'd made love for the first time since Mark…and Meredith.
As satisfying as the sex had been, something had been off, something missing and he found himself picturing Meredith's face on Addison's body. Derek wondered if she was picturing Mark's face but no, he could tell by how she was …reacting…to him that he was the only one on her mind. When she moaned his name in the shower it was him. So what was wrong with him? They'd both cheated and they hadn't been together in months and when they had, why is it he pictured Meredith?
Stretching a tense leg, Derek had no answer to these questions. Exhaling, he looked out the road and wondered when Addison was going to return, if she would. And as much as it pained him to even question it, he also wondered if she did return, would she still be pregnant? Was she going to keep the baby or would she actually get an abortion and do it with him none the wiser? That would be cruel, even for her, but it was her prerogative.
Still, there was something within him that said Addison would never do it, she would never abort their baby. She loved babies and it had devastated her-them both-when she lost their first child.
Ever since he found out the possibility of her being pregnant again, he couldn't help but think about their first child and compare one pregnancy to another. Compare everything. There was no comparison. Everything was going so well with them personally and professionally when she was pregnant the first time. Sure, it was sooner than they'd anticipated starting a family, but they would be ready for it and they embraced it fully. Now? The only thing that was going well for them was their careers. Everything else was up in the air.
Derek had so many questions for Addison that he needed answers for. Was she going to keep the baby? Was she going to stay in Seattle and try to make their marriage work? Would she take him back after the way he treated her? Would she ask for a divorce and run back into Mark's waiting arms? Oh God…the thought just occurred to him, if she did go to Mark, Mark could possibly raise their baby. The thought nearly made him sick. Mark Sloan raising a child? Mark Sloan raising Derek's child? No, he couldn't let that happen, he wouldn't. He'd refuse to allow it. No other man would be this child's father but him. Yet he knew that if they did divorce, that would leave Addison free to marry another some day, giving the baby a stepfather, leaving him out in the cold. Derek didn't want to imagine his wife with another man be it Mark or anyone else. Addison was his wife, dammit! He could always sue for custody though and if he brought up the affair…no, he couldn't. Derek could not do that to Addison but even more, he couldn't do that to the baby. If he knew anything he knew that Addison was going to make one wonderful mother and their child deserved to be raised by her.
So that left single-parenting. There was the possibility that Addison would keep the child but move back to New York and raise it there and could he blame her? His family was there and of course his mother would be over the moon to have another grandchild (Finally, Derek, she'd say to him) and his sisters would be happy to have a new niece or nephew. Her family was there too and they'd all be pleased and would support Addison. And Savvy and Weiss were there and would undoubtedly play a big role in their lives. Maybe Addison would get her job back at Mt. Sinai. But then that meant she would run into Mark all the time because Mark still worked there. He didn't want to think of Mark having any role in this baby's life.
Another possibility, though slim, was that Addison would return to Seattle and raise the baby there. After all, she was building quite a repertoire of friends. The Webbers would be surrogate grandparents. It could work. Addison could remain at Seattle Grace and…then what? It would make things very awkward and unpleasant but if Derek wanted to play an active role in his child's life, he'd-they'd-have to get over it.
Closing his eyes, Derek could picture himself teaching a little boy how to fish in the pond or building a dollhouse for a little girl. A little girl with Addison's fiery hair and his dimples. Or a little boy with Derek's curly hair and Addison's eyes. They would have one gorgeous child that much Derek knew. And he or she would never want for love. It could work…couldn't it?
"God, why isn't there anyone who can tell me 'yes, Derek, things will be okay'? Why am I all alone?" he asked aloud.
Getting no response other than a rumble of thunder and rain pouring down on him, Derek went back into the trailer alone and miserable.
I don't have anyone, he said to himself as he climbed under the sheets.
That's not true, Derek, a voice whispered. You have your mom and your family. The voice was right. His mother would always be on his side. And so would his sisters. Yeah, they loved Addison and that wouldn't stop but he was blood that had to count for something, right? As he drifted to sleep, Derek resolved to request some time off work, starting tomorrow, so he could visit his family. Return to New York.
Title: Wise Up ch. 12
Rating: PG-13, I guess. Adult themes. Some swearing.
Summary: Derek and Addison are trying to come to terms with their feelings for each other and their behavior towards each other. Will they be able to face their demons and be stronger or will they give up? Circa end season 2, with my spin on things.
Disclaimer: Fanfiction, only. No infringement intended. ABC, Touchstone Television, Shonda and Co. own Grey's Anatomy.
Previous chapters may be found:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
"You're pregnant," a stunned Mark repeated, his eyes skimming over her body to see if he could make out any of the physical changes, but except for looking more tired, he didn't notice any difference. She must not be far along, he thought to himself.
Turning to face him, Addison repeated, "Yes. I am." She had turned away when Mark initially asked not because she was ashamed to be carrying her husband's child, but because she was tired. Tired and frustrated. And she didn't want to deal with a bombardment of questions from Mark of all people. It was none of his business.
Blurting out the first thing he thought of, he asked, "How did that happen?"
Giving a sarcastic chuckle, Addison retorted, "Gee Mark, you're a doctor, figure it out. How do you think it happened?"
"But I thought…" his voice trailed off, not sure if he wanted Addison to know what he thought-or didn't-think about her marriage.
"You thought Derek and I weren't sleeping together? Really?"
He shrugged. "He's my husband, Mark," she reminded him in an even tone.
"He sure as hell isn't acting like it. Or he wasn't when I showed up."
"Oh yeah, when you showed up to bring me back to New York, that worked so well, didn't it?"
"You're here now," he pointed out.
"I came here to visit."
"Savvy and Weiss? Nancy? Everyone else? Why is it that your husband isn't here?" he demurred, his tone sardonic as he said 'husband.'
"Why is it any of your business, Mark?"
"Because I care about you, Addison. Damn it don't you know how much? Do you think you're the only one who lost out when Derek found us together? I lost my best friend of over thirty fucking years, Addison! He was more than my friend, he was my brother!"
"And yet you had no qualms sleeping with his wife."
Shaking his head, Mark stepped closer near her. "That's not how it was and you know it. I loved you. I still love you. You were miserable. He ignored you for so long. He forgot all the special occasions. He wasn't there for you when you were in pain and needed him. He wasn't there for you on the anniversary of…"
Shaking her head so tears wouldn't fall she said, "Damn it Mark. Don't. Don't you dare bring that up. I told Derek he can't use that as a way to guilt me and don't you dare either."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I was just trying to make a point."
"Duly noted. Now can I go?"
"What are you going to do about it, Addison? I mean, are you going to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the baby? How is that going to be any good for you let alone the baby?"
"You don't know what you're saying."
"Addison, I was there. I saw him. He punched my lights out because he was pissed at me and not because of the fact that I slept with you or the fact that I was talking to you or there to bring you back home, but because I was talking to his precious Meredith Grey."
Clenching her teeth, Addison was stoic as she said, "Yeah well things change, Mark. You should know that better than most."
"Fair enough. But I don't think they've changed that much, otherwise you wouldn't be here or he would be here with you. How the hell can that jackass not be by your side now? He should be here with you while you go to your appointments with Nancy or whoever your doctor will be. He should be supporting you, making sure that you are getting enough sleep-and I can tell by those bags under your eyes that you're not-and making sure that you are not overly stressed or working too hard. He should be making sure you're eating enough and getting vitamins and milk and everything else. He should be there. I can't believe he's not doing everything in his power to make sure you are taking care of yourself and that baby."
"You're assuming quite a bit. Maybe I told him I didn't want him there."
"Then good for you. But someone needs to take care of you."
"Someone meaning you?"
"Yes." He was firm and he meant it-at least he thought he did.
Shaking her head, she told him, "Oh Mark you're not ready to be a stand-in father."
"How do you know?"
"Because I know you. You're not. You may mean all well and good right now but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of day-to-day fatherhood? That's a different story. And like it or not, Derek is the father, so if I have the baby and he wants to be involved, then he will be, regardless of the state of our marriage."
He sighed, knowing he wasn't going to get through to her.
"I have to go. Good-bye, Mark." With a toss of her hair over her shoulders and a click of her heels, Addison departed the hospital, leaving Mark standing in his place, mulling over what she said about him.
Was she right? Was he not father material? Mark honestly didn't know the answer to that question.
After leaving Mt. Sinai, Addison got a cab and told the driver to drop her off at Central Park. She needed to calm down after the confrontation with Mark. She also needed to think and breathe, after all that was why she was in Manhattan in the first place.
Unfortunately, there were so many memories associated with the park. Mostly memories of her and Derek. When they were best friends, when they were dating, when they were engaged, and finally when they were happily married. So many wonderful moments were spent there.
Slouching down on a bench, Addison closed her eyes and her mind flashed to a time when she and Derek were there, talking about the future. It was a warm Sunday afternoon and they had brought a picnic basket filled with goodies for lunch and a blanket to sit on as they enjoyed each other's company. "Hey baby Shepherd, how are you doing? You know, Mommy and I have a lot of plans for you," Derek had said to her stomach.
"Derek, don't put pressure on our child in utero!" she teased him with a laugh.
"What, why can't I tell him or her that I want him or her to be an astro-physicist? That's not asking a lot, is it?"
"That's a lot to strive for, babe. And we have to stop with this him or her. It's confusing. What if it's a hermaphrodite?"
"Addison!" he said in mock shock.
"Well, it could happen," she reminded him with a giggle.
"Don't listen to your Mommy, baby. You'll be perfect, we know it."
He laid his head on her chest and he could hear her strong heartbeat and he grinned, knowing that one day soon he'd be hearing their child's heartbeat. She gently stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. "Well, kiddo, Daddy's right. No matter if you're a girl or boy or have a horned tail, you'll be perfect and we'll love you. Scratch that, we already do."
"Horned tail, Addison?"
"What?" she asked coyly.
"If you weren't pregnant I'd bop you."
"Bop me? Oh Derek I'm sooo scared."
"You'd better be. I had four sisters. How do you think I got my point across-oh wait, they were the ones bopping me on the head with their purses all the time," he recalled with a groan to which his wife merely laughed.
Playfully glaring at her he said, "I don't know why those things weigh so much. I mean what do you put in there-everything but the kitchen sink?"
"That's our prerogative as women, Derek. To fill our purses full of things we likely won't use on a given day but you never know so we have to be prepared. Guys just don't understand."
"Guess not," he said, stroking her side.
"Baby Girl Shepherd will understand."
"Oh now it's Baby Girl?"
"That's right," Addison said with a nod. "Call it mother's intuition. And the fact that a purse on a guy is not exactly manly."
"So says the woman who makes me hold her purse for her," he muttered under his breath.
"Because I'm busy holding other things and your hands are free."
"Oh so you're fine with emasculating me?"
"Shut up and kiss me, Derek 'Macho Man' Shepherd," she ordered and he complied.
"I love you, Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd," he informed her after the kiss ended, his eyes shining with love.
"And I love you Derek Patrick Shepherd. And I love Cate or Patrick too." He moved over so he could cuddle with her and they sat their with their hands entwined, saying nothing and just enjoying the moment of being there, together and anticipating the wonderful future they were going to have.
Shaking her head out of reverie, Addison blinked back some tears that were beginning to form. I'm not going to cry she chanted to herself. Wrapping her arms around her abdomen, Addison looked down and whispered, "I miss your brother or sister. So much. Your daddy does too, Little One. And I miss him. I miss us. I don't know what's going to happen to us. To any of us."
Addison sat on the bench, staring at the darkening sky. It's going to rain soon, she mused. She was deep in thought about the baby and the future. Many different scenarios were running in her head. Making a go of it with Derek and being a happy family with the baby, having Derek hate her for the rest of her life for Mark and not being able to get past it, Derek leaving her for Meredith while she was pregnant because Meredith was young and unbelievably skinny and she wouldn't be much longer. Meredith and Derek raising her child. No, that would not happen, she told herself. She would never allow Meredith Grey to raise her child.
Sighing, she realized it was a possibility. If things continued to move south with them and they got a divorce, there was a likelihood that Derek would remarry and the young intern would be their child's stepmother. The thought made her queasy.
Derek was her husband, not Meredith's. Derek and Addison had spent nearly half their lives together in one shape or another. How could that be tossed aside for the flavor of the month? How could she let him go? How could she live a life without Derek Shepherd in it?
As scary as that notion was, Addison knew she could do it. She was Addison Forbes Montgomery, damn it and she could do it. She was strong, she was intelligent, she was beautiful, she was a well-respected neonatal surgeon with other specialties attached and many accolades to her name and articles in medical journals, articles written about her and by her. Money was not an object and not just because of what she'd inherited from her parents but because of what she made as a living. Hell if Addison wanted, she could quit work and be a full-time mother. Although she didn't really think she could give up her job, certainly not permanently. She'd have a support system. She could easily move back to Manhattan and get a job if not at Mt. Sinai somewhere nearby and she could get a new place because she was not about to move back into the Brownstone and she'd have Savvy and Weiss as honorary aunt and uncle to her baby and she knew that she would have the support of Derek's mother and Nancy, if not the rest of his family and she had her own family too and other friends. Friends like Naomi and Sam…no, there's no more Naomi and Sam, she said with a sigh. They're getting a divorce. But still, she knew she could count on them and they had experience with their own daughter, Addison's goddaughter, Maya.
Addison had always been an independent woman and she would be again. She didn't need the title of Mrs. Derek Shepherd, she didn't need the postscript to her name. She didn't need any of it.
What if he insisted she stay in Seattle because of the baby? Make her live there because he did? Would he go after custody? That idea made her skin crawl. It was her baby and she wouldn't let anyone take it away. If she stayed in Seattle, she had people. A strange assortment of people, but people nonetheless. Richard and Adele were good friends, almost like surrogate parents, and surely they'd help her. And she had others. Miranda Bailey. Addison's lip twisted in a smile as she thought of the Nazi who was really a kind woman and who adored kids, particularly Tuck whom Addison delivered. Their kids could even be friends one day. Much to the chagrin of Yang, she had Preston Burke on her side. And then there was Dr. Callie Torres, a new possibility of a friend, someone who was tough and didn't take any bull but someone who was very caring. And George would undoubtedly treat her well through her pregnancy. If she stayed behind in Seattle maybe she should request him more often than Karev who would surely drive her crazy.
Bottom line, it doesn't really matter where she lives. Addison could make it work on her own and that knowledge was a major relief to her.
As hard as it was to envision a future Derek-free, Addison found it nearly impossible to envision a future without the baby. Could she really have an abortion when she had wanted to be a mother for as long as she could remember? She didn't know if she'd said those words to Derek as a way to lash out at him or if she really meant it. She could terminate, she still had time and she always believed in a woman's choice. It would solve some things. Like Derek forcing himself to be the "bigger man" and stay with her for the sake of the child. There were other reasons too, but ultimately, Addison knew where she stood. She had known it all along, she just needed to voice it.
"Hey Little One, it's your Mommy. No matter if your Daddy hates me or not, no matter where we live, you and I will be OK. I promise you. You and me against the world, kiddo." She held on tightly and felt a weight lifted.
Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd was going to be a mother! A loud rumble erupted in the sky and then rain started to fall and instead of getting upset, Addison laughed as it hit her and then ran to hail a taxi.
"Are you all right, Addison?" Savvy asked when her friend entered her home dripping wet, an unreadable expression on her face.
"I'm fine, Savv. No, I'm better than fine. I'm going to be a Mom, Sweet Savvannah. And you? You're going to be the best Aunt ever," she sang.
Blinking rapidly, Savvy digested the news and then a large grin spread on her face. "I think I can handle that, Addieface." She leaned over and gave her friend a hug and then told her to change out of her wet clothes and Addison did as instructed.
She still was nervous and worried and wasn't very sure what route to take next, but a big step was made that afternoon.
Derek Shepherd couldn't recall the last time he felt so alone. Growing up with four sisters and a pack of extended family, not to mention his share of friends, Derek never had a lack of companionship. Being married to Addison was the ultimate form of companionship. She would always be there for him. He could always count on her. Until the night he caught her fucking his best friend in their bed, on his favorite sheets.
At that moment, he knew he could no longer count on the two people he always thought would be there-his wife and his best friend.
Derek maneuvered around the trailer which oddly felt smaller without Addison in there as he cooked the fish he had caught the night before. After Addison left, Derek didn't know what to do, so he went fishing hoping to clear his mind. It didn't work but at least it gave him a meal for the next day. The aroma of fish filled the trailer and Derek couldn't help but recall how much Addison hated it. "No trout for you," he'd told her that one time she'd complained. He also remembered more recently how she got sick from the smell and he didn't do anything for her. He didn't comfort her, didn't take care of her. He didn't really worry about her. And that was before they knew she was pregnant. No wonder she was so pissed at him. He'd been so inattentive to his wife.
There was no one he could go to talk about what was on his mind. The one person he should be able to go to was Mark, but Mark is the one who set this whole thing in motion. What kind of man sleeps with his best friend's wife? No, Derek amended, what kind of man would sleep with the wife of a man he'd been friends with for over thirty years? A man who thought of him as a brother? A man who brought him into the fold of his family because let's face it, his family wasn't the greatest. Derek and the rest of the Shepherd clan loved him and took care of him when his own family was unwilling or unable. And how was that repaid? With an eyeful. If Derek would have ever imagined Addison sleeping with someone, it would not have been with Mark. She knew how much they meant to each other. And Mark, Mark knew.
When Mark was in Seattle a few months ago, to win Addison back, Derek knew it went beyond a one-night stand. Not that he ever asked for the details because he wasn't that much of a masochist-then again, maybe he was. But he was led to believe it had just happened that night, it wasn't going on for months or hell even years behind his back. Which fine, that did make it easier. But Mark had feelings for Addison that much Derek could tell, finally. He idly wondered if those feelings were there all along, if he'd avoided the signs. Mark and Addison got along really well. At first meeting, they were wary of each other. Mark because he didn't like the idea of this woman coming between him and Derek and their history, Addison because she couldn't believe Derek could be best friends with someone so shallow. The two were very competitive with each other in the classroom, with Addison usually being the smarter of the two. He couldn’t pinpoint when they went from this wariness to mutual respect and eventually admiration, but they had. The truth was, Mark wasn't just superficial. He was someone who had the capacity to be very caring and kind and had a lot of other great attributes. They were just hidden. But Addison saw through his narcissism and found him to be a good friend. And Mark realized that Addison wasn't going to monopolize all of Derek's time, that Derek had enough room in his life for both of them. When that happened, they became this unstoppable Trio.
But now, like many other things in Derek's life, they were no longer. They would never ever again be MarkDerekandAddison. As much as he put on his scorned husband face, Derek was really hurt about that fact. These were the two people he depended on most in his life. And they betrayed him, with each other.
While there was still a chance to "save" things with Addison, Derek didn't feel that there would be with Mark. So Derek would never call him and spill his guts about Addison and the baby. Besides, Mark was on Addison's side these days and he'd probably chew Derek out for his attitude. A far cry from the man who was to be their first child's godfather.
Godfather, Derek deadpanned. Yeah, that is so not happening. Unless Weiss…
Pulling a beer out of the fridge, Derek took off the cap and took a big gulp as he tried to think of someone he could go to. Richard, there was Richard. But Derek was no idiot. As much as he knew Richard cared about him, he knew that Richard loved Addison more. How the hell was that? She cheated on him and yet she was the one with the sympathetic friends-friends that used to be theirs. Plus even if Richard were understanding and on his side, the fact was that Richard's own estranged wife, Adele, would definitely be on Addison's side.
That left…who? Burke? Clearly, he was on Addison's side too. Even though Derek had thought, at one point that they were friends. But Burke didn't allow Derek to call him by his first name. Yet it was fine that Satan did…Satan. Derek didn't know if that name fit Addison anymore. If she was Satan, then what did that make him? And what did that make their baby? Evil spawn? Shaking his head, he remembered that the interns called Karev that.
Miranda Bailey had, on occasion, been an ear and been someone who didn't completely hate him, but there again his wife had him beat. Addison and Bailey had become friends of late and as Miranda said, "baby trumps husband." Go figure.
Derek had no relationship with O'Malley, Karev, or the other interns. They would be on Meredith's side. Meredith…
Obviously Derek could not go to her with his Addison-and-baby dilemma. She'd be so hurt to find out that Addison was pregnant. Hell, he could tell by their run-in the elevator today that she secretly (or not-so-secretly) wished that the Shepherds were getting a divorce. If she thought they had any hope, a baby would put a severe cramp on that.
While he was eating his meal in silence, silence that wasn't comfortable but instead suffocating, Derek looked around the trailer. It was supposed to be his get-away from Manhattan, from Addison (and Mark) and every painful memory. It was supposed to be his. Eventually his and Meredith's. Addison returning changed everything. Addison's fingerprints were all over the trailer, as tiny as it was. He could smell her expensive perfume in the sheets last night when he tried, in vain, to fall asleep in their bed. Their bed…when did he begin to think of it as theirs? This morning when he was looking for something in the closet that was overstocked, a box fell down and hit him on the shoulder. A box of her shoes. The woman loved her shoes. On the stand next to the bed was one of her many crossword puzzle books. Her makeup littered the small space of the bathroom. She'd taken off a bracelet the other night and left it on the kitchen counter. Setting his plate in the sink after rinsing it, Derek picked up the bracelet and fingered it. It was one he'd given her. So many years ago. It wasn't the nicest bracelet. It certainly wasn't the most expensive one she owned or he'd given her. It was one of the first pieces of jewelry he'd bought her when they were dating so many years ago, before he had the money to afford something better. When he was able to afford it, he'd told her to get rid of that one, she didn't need to keep it. She had shaken her head, adamant that she would keep it and continue to wear it. It wasn't the cost of the gift, she'd told him; it was the meaning of it. He got it for her because he knew she'd like it as it reminded her of one that her mother let her play with as a child. True to her word, he'd find her wearing it from time-to-time and it always made him smile.
She still kept it, he whispered to no one.
After doing the dishes, Derek went outside to get some fresh air. It was a beautiful night, the stars were out in full effect and there was a light drizzle. Derek sat in his favorite chair and looked around, and it was after ten minutes of sitting there when he realized that he was looking for her. He was hoping that he would hear the roar of her silver Mercedes, signaling that she was nearly there. It started raining more and Derek's mind couldn't help but flash to last Thanksgiving when Addison was the one sitting outside in the rain, waiting for him to appear. As he had pulled up to the trailer in his jeep, Derek had been more than surprised to see his wife out there, looking so lost and alone. He couldn't believe she waited up for him. "Derek, are you done? Hurting me back? " was her question of the night. "I mean cause I need to know. Cause if not ... I gotta special order a thicker skin or something." The tears were evident, the vulnerability leaking out of her, despite how he knew it was tearing her up because she didn't want to show him her vulnerable side. The moon was out and looking at his wife whose hair was damp, she looked so beautiful, he wanted her. And then he leaned in, telling her "No anesthesia in sight….here we go" and he kissed her. Thoroughly. And they'd made love for the first time since Mark…and Meredith.
As satisfying as the sex had been, something had been off, something missing and he found himself picturing Meredith's face on Addison's body. Derek wondered if she was picturing Mark's face but no, he could tell by how she was …reacting…to him that he was the only one on her mind. When she moaned his name in the shower it was him. So what was wrong with him? They'd both cheated and they hadn't been together in months and when they had, why is it he pictured Meredith?
Stretching a tense leg, Derek had no answer to these questions. Exhaling, he looked out the road and wondered when Addison was going to return, if she would. And as much as it pained him to even question it, he also wondered if she did return, would she still be pregnant? Was she going to keep the baby or would she actually get an abortion and do it with him none the wiser? That would be cruel, even for her, but it was her prerogative.
Still, there was something within him that said Addison would never do it, she would never abort their baby. She loved babies and it had devastated her-them both-when she lost their first child.
Ever since he found out the possibility of her being pregnant again, he couldn't help but think about their first child and compare one pregnancy to another. Compare everything. There was no comparison. Everything was going so well with them personally and professionally when she was pregnant the first time. Sure, it was sooner than they'd anticipated starting a family, but they would be ready for it and they embraced it fully. Now? The only thing that was going well for them was their careers. Everything else was up in the air.
Derek had so many questions for Addison that he needed answers for. Was she going to keep the baby? Was she going to stay in Seattle and try to make their marriage work? Would she take him back after the way he treated her? Would she ask for a divorce and run back into Mark's waiting arms? Oh God…the thought just occurred to him, if she did go to Mark, Mark could possibly raise their baby. The thought nearly made him sick. Mark Sloan raising a child? Mark Sloan raising Derek's child? No, he couldn't let that happen, he wouldn't. He'd refuse to allow it. No other man would be this child's father but him. Yet he knew that if they did divorce, that would leave Addison free to marry another some day, giving the baby a stepfather, leaving him out in the cold. Derek didn't want to imagine his wife with another man be it Mark or anyone else. Addison was his wife, dammit! He could always sue for custody though and if he brought up the affair…no, he couldn't. Derek could not do that to Addison but even more, he couldn't do that to the baby. If he knew anything he knew that Addison was going to make one wonderful mother and their child deserved to be raised by her.
So that left single-parenting. There was the possibility that Addison would keep the child but move back to New York and raise it there and could he blame her? His family was there and of course his mother would be over the moon to have another grandchild (Finally, Derek, she'd say to him) and his sisters would be happy to have a new niece or nephew. Her family was there too and they'd all be pleased and would support Addison. And Savvy and Weiss were there and would undoubtedly play a big role in their lives. Maybe Addison would get her job back at Mt. Sinai. But then that meant she would run into Mark all the time because Mark still worked there. He didn't want to think of Mark having any role in this baby's life.
Another possibility, though slim, was that Addison would return to Seattle and raise the baby there. After all, she was building quite a repertoire of friends. The Webbers would be surrogate grandparents. It could work. Addison could remain at Seattle Grace and…then what? It would make things very awkward and unpleasant but if Derek wanted to play an active role in his child's life, he'd-they'd-have to get over it.
Closing his eyes, Derek could picture himself teaching a little boy how to fish in the pond or building a dollhouse for a little girl. A little girl with Addison's fiery hair and his dimples. Or a little boy with Derek's curly hair and Addison's eyes. They would have one gorgeous child that much Derek knew. And he or she would never want for love. It could work…couldn't it?
"God, why isn't there anyone who can tell me 'yes, Derek, things will be okay'? Why am I all alone?" he asked aloud.
Getting no response other than a rumble of thunder and rain pouring down on him, Derek went back into the trailer alone and miserable.
I don't have anyone, he said to himself as he climbed under the sheets.
That's not true, Derek, a voice whispered. You have your mom and your family. The voice was right. His mother would always be on his side. And so would his sisters. Yeah, they loved Addison and that wouldn't stop but he was blood that had to count for something, right? As he drifted to sleep, Derek resolved to request some time off work, starting tomorrow, so he could visit his family. Return to New York.