In the name of love...誓い Crystal AU - The beginning (A.B.C-Z)
WARNING: ANGST, CHARACTER DEATH, AND MORE ANGST.
Characters: Totsuka and Hashimoto centric
Pairings: TotsukaxHashimoto, FujigayaxYokoo, TamamorixMiyacchi, mentioned HashimotoxSnowmen
Summary: Totsuka and Fujigaya both should have been more careful giving their hearts away.
They both understood what this was, and what this meant. At least that was what he had thought. But then again, when Hashimoto was looking at you with those eyes, wide and full of feelings, when he was kneeling in front of you his hands on your waist, his smile full of promise, perhaps what was being talked about wasn't feelings at all, but something much more carnal.
He had resisted for a long time, since giving in, and giving his heart was dangerous. He knew that. Fujigaya knew that. Tamamori knew that, and Kawai knew as well. But somehow, it was only and he Fujigaya who were in this trouble, in this place.
And yet, standing in this room, with these four men who shared his curse, one of whom also shared his fate, he could not find it in himself to regret giving his heart to Hashimoto.
The rules of the curse were simple, as far as curses go. They had until they were 25 to find someone that they loved, romantically or as a friend, and to chose that person to care for their heart. Because once they gave their heart away, it was in the care of the other person, forever. As long as the other person liked them, cared for them, loved them, things were fine. But if for a moment, even the briefest fraction of a nanosecond, the other person wished them harm, or wished them away, then they were lost forever.
No one knew how, or why it had happened, just that it was, and if you had it, you were connected with those like you. You always recognized them, always had a bond with them, that defined many things.
Totsuka had heard of people who had been lost growing up, missing person cases as far as the police were concerned, since this was not a thing that you could explain to the police, but his parents had taken him, when he was very young, to see a crystal statue, of a young woman, forever frozen in place, locked inside a bedroom of the home of a family friend.
He knew what his fate as to be, just as Fujigaya did. They would turn to crystal, frozen in time forever.
They had known the moment that it happened, and they shared an awareness of one another that way hard to explain.
But at least, here in the end, he would not have to be alone.
~
They all had warned him to take care with Hashimoto, but no one knew better than himself that he should take care. Hashimoto was young, Hashimoto adored him, and it was for that very reason that he should take care. Hashimoto hadn’t had a visible rebellious stage, an angsty I hate the world phase like some of their senpai had done though. He had just wanted A.B.C-Z to succeed, wanted Tottsu, wanted a great many things with a passion that shocked them all, and they had happened. And Totsuka had let it happen, even knowing it might end like this.
And to be honest, he and Hashimoto had never really talked about what it was that they had. Hashimoto stayed in his hotel room when ever possible. Tried to do many things with him, and ended up at his home all the time. He knew that Hashimoto had others, he was popular, and they were not defined. But it had never bothered him, the light in Hashimoto’s gaze, the adoration and the love, it was steady, it was certain, it filled him with warmth.
Totsuka knew that he was strange, he had always been strange, but that was something that Hashimoto never seemed to mind. But as he got older, became even more successful he didn't stop loving A.B.C-Z any less, but he started spending more time with other people. A moment (or more than a moment) with Goseki or Tsukada in a closet, a night out with the Snowmen, one or all of them (it was always unclear just how many and which Snowmen were involved at any one time, and frankly Totsuka didn't want to know), a night out with his friends from school. If not one person or was another. Totsuka could not remember when the last time Hashimoto had come to him, with a smile full of promise and asked if Totsuka had a moment.
Which was why he was not surprised that this was happening. Not really. He had always known there would be a time with Hashimoto would struggle to find himself, to figure out who he really was as a young man, as a lead man, as a center or sorts, as a person and not as a Johnny's- It just sucked that it was not, and like this. Kawai had been shocked, and Tamamori had just looked at him, his gaze wide eyed and knowing, and Totsuka had known that at least he would not be alone.
He had been in the Kisumai dressing room the moment it had happened for Fujigaya. He and Yokoo had been fighting more and more these days, their fan service almost non-existent in concerts and strained at best other times. Totsuka knew that Fujigaya was struggling not to lose himself in his idol persona, to maintain the person that he was behind all the fame and glory and fangirls and expectations, but he seemed to fail at it the best of days. Yokoo had been his chosen one, the keeper of his heart for years, ever since Yokoo committed to the agency, to Kisumai, to debut and Fujigaya had not regretted it once. Yokoo had been his anchor, and the moment that Yokoo had exhaled sharply in response to Fujigaya’s question the time in the room had seemed to still.
“You don't always have to check your schedule with me every time you have a free moment, sometimes it would be nice to just be alone long enough to miss you.”
Kisumai had been stressed, the success of the Busaiku group causing a struggle in their dynamics and a renegotiation of things that they all wanted but had trouble dealing with, and some days the best intentions of their senpai seemed to drive them further apart.
Totsuka could feel the strain in the room, and Tamamori snapped to attention, his eyes locked on Totsuka in alarm, holding his breath as he waited. Their connection was thin, stretched, the way that he knew his was to Hashimoto, and in a way that Tamamori’s would never be to Miyata.
“I’m sorry. I didn't realize.” Was the soft reply, and Yokoo shrugged.
“Of course not. Just, leave me alone for a bit, I have other plans, and some things I need to figure out. It’s not you I just…” Yokoo trailed off, something in Fujigaya’s face changing at his words, and all Totsuka could hear was the rush of blood in his head, the sound of glass shattering in a deafening sound that only three people in the room could hear. Totsuka was not sure what happened after that, just that Kawai had come rushing into the room, demanding that Fujigaya come with him right them, he was having a fashion emergency and needed help, and the tension settled at Kawai dragged Fujigaya out of the room, throwing a glance at Tamamori and Totsuka as he left. But, Totsuka still had his gaze locked with Tamamori. They were both strange, so this was nothing too new that would draw much notice.
Fujigaya only had a few hours left, at best. When he…. Turned….. it would be in the building, they had decided that. An eternal monument for all too see. And they would all be there with him.
He could not explain why, but in that moment, knowing that Fujigaya was dying, and that he would be there to watch it, to support his friend, Totsuka needed to see Hashimoto. It was their dressing room, so he didn't think to knock, but opening the door left him seeing more of the Snowmen that he had ever hoped to see, in some fascinating positions with Hashimoto, from a purely abstract acrobatics perspective.
He stepped back, closing the door behind him, and leaned heavily on the door.
He cold hear some of the dialogue through the door, and he was straining to hear it, cause the moment he had walked into the room something about this bond with Hashimoto had changed. It felt identical to the way that Fujigaya’s bond with Yokoo had felt the moment before it snapped.
He could hear footsteps, and someone flipping the lock, before settling back against the door with a sigh.
Hashimoto, then.
“Should we apologize to Tottsu?” He could hear one of the Snowmen ask, and he could see, more than he could hear, Hashimoto shake his head no.
“This is my space as much as theirs, I can do what I want.”
“It is the dressing room though, Hasshi.” He could hear another chime in, and Totsuka could hear Hashimoto’s sigh as if the door were not between them.
“They use it for things all the time. I am an adult, just like the rest of A.B.C-Z but sometimes they treat me like a baby. Always checking up on me, making sure that I am ok, that I am happy, that I am sleeping. But no one does that to them.”
“It means that they care.” A different voice offered, and Totsuka couldn't agree more. They all cared for Hashimoto, he gave to much for them, meant so much to all of them. It was hard not to care for him.
“It’s just sometimes I feel smothered. I can’t even have an orgy with at least 3 people walking in on me.” Totsuka could hear his frustration though the door, and knew where he was coming from.
The same voice from before piped up. “This is the dressing room, though. Kind of expected.”
“I know, I just wish, for a little while, they would all leave me alone and let me be me. I don't even know who I am anymore.”
And with that, Totsuka felt their connection snap, and the world seemed to stop.
Kawai came tearing through the hallways, screaming as if the world was ending. He could hear Hashimoto panicking on the other side of the door, people scrambling for clothing so they could figure out what had just happened, why someone was screaming in that way, as if the world was ending.
In many ways it was. Fujigaya stood frozen at the end of the hallway, his eyes accepting, knowing, as he looked at Totsuka and Totsuka met his gaze with a pained smile. It was Tamamori though, Tamamori who was gazing at him in horror, that shook him the most.
Totsuka didn't say anything, just walked down the hallway, towards Fujigaya, and past him. The rest of the day passed in a blur. At some point he knew Kawai was on the phone with Goseki, and practice that day was cancelled. Fujigaya’s cell had been ringing nonstop for most of the afternoon, and Tamamori’s slightly less so, but they sat discarded beside them. They had used Totsuka’s phone to call their parents, but Totsuka’s parents were out of town on an anniversary trip, and no one had been home when Fujigaya called his house. Hashimoto had tried to call his phone once, but Totsuka had not answered. He had sent a series of messages as well, but Totsuka had put his phone on silent after he read the most recent one.
“I know you heard, and I am sorry. I didn't mean it.”
It was not as if his heart could break anymore that it already was. Knowing that this was a mistake on Hashimoto’s part, hearing it from the other ‘s lips, so to speak, didn't help.
They didn't speak, not really. No one had asked what had happened with Hashimoto, but after a while, as the sun began to set and he had set the phone aside, blinking back tears he felt almost ready to talk about it. As Totsuka began to feel a change, something stirring in him pushing him to share. They deserved to know, and he offered up the information freely. They did not have time to dwell on the shock that Kawai felt, or question why Tamamori was so quietly accepting of it all, not upset, not angry, just deeply sad. As if he had known all along, somehow.
And then, it was time.
He knew that Fujigaya felt the same thing, since he stood, offering a hand to pull Totsuka up to his feet.
“If we want the costumes, we should get them now.”
It was not something that they had talked about, but something that felt right, and Totsuka spared a glance at Kawai as he let Fujigaya help him up. Kawai nodded firmly, he knew the other felt to same way.
“We will take care of it.” Kawai commented, and he stood, moving towards the door of the room. Tamamori stood, moving silently alone with Kawai, and as the door closed Totsuka let out a shaky breath.
“This has to be hell for them.” It was Fujigaya who spoke but he could not help but agree. Watching two of your friends, your band mates, in their last hours, knowing that the two people who were the cause did not even knew, an would never really know…. It would destroy Hashimoto if he ever found out, Totsuka knew that. He knew that Hashimoto hadn’t meant what he had said, not in the ‘I never want to see you again’ way at least not in the long term, but it had been said, and in that moment, he had meant it. His text message confirmed that he hadn’t meant it. And that he knew something was wrong with Totsuka. But it was to late now.
“Watta will blame himself, and I can’t even tell him that it isn’t his fault.” Fujigaya’s voice was soft, and Totsuka pulled the other man into a hug. They seemed to have the same thoughts, just about different people. He had nothing he could add. He was not sure how long they stood like that, how long Kawai and Tamamori were gone, but when Tamamori returned Fujigaya stepped away, startled. As Tamamori handed him the outfit, it was with a wry smile.
“We never give up.”
He nodded, and accepted the clothing. Totsuka did not even need to look to know what Kawai handed him, the bright pink suit shocking in contrast to Fujigaya’s own outfit.
~
It happened almost at the same time, Fujigaya turned to crystal a moment before he did. His legs spread slightly, his hand raised high, looking every bit like a champion of their generation.
“Hey, Tama.”
“Yeah?”
“We are this generations champions. So, never give up.”
At the same time, Totsuka met Kawai’s gaze with as bright a smile as he could muster, his body falling into a position that was as natural as breathing. Taking one last breath, he smiled his widest idol smile, even as he felt the change beginning. It had been worth it all, for those brief moment. Nothing would be the same for them, and for that, he was sorry.
“We are five stars.”
~
Kawai watched his friend and his band mate long after there was no one left to watch. If he stared long enough, maybe it would be different.
Tamamori was curled up on the floor, having collapsed as soon as Totsuka said his final words, forever frozen as a memorial to A.B.C-Z. He settled down next to Tamamori, letting the other lean on him. In the morning they would need to tell their bands, tell Yokoo and Hashimoto what had happened, or maybe they wouldn't. Johnny already knew, since he always knew everything, they were sure. But for right now, they would sit, and they would watch, and they would wonder how long it was until this happened to them.
“You are wrong, Tottsu. We were five stars.”
~~~~~~~~~~~
Messy was the nicest word that could be used to describe the day after what was the shittiest day in the life of Kawai Fumito and Tamamori Yuta’s lives to date. Kawai used to think that it was the day they were on tour and Kis-my-ft2 for the debut announcement and they didn't. But this, watching both Fujigaya and Totsuka turn into crystal statues, an eternal monument to their love and passion, that was the shittiest day ever. Hopefully it would stay that way, since if he or Tamamori turned as well, then that would be worse, but not something either could foresee.
Then again, neither had their friends.
Tamamori and Kawai had spent the night just watching their friends. Hoping that with a blink of their eye they would be back to normal.
That had not happened.
In the morning Johnny had wandered in, sighed at the statues, and made the comment that they had 3 months for find a way to fix it, of they would all re-debut as Ebikisu. And while that was an appealing thought, it was only appealing if it were 12 of them, not 10.
Kisuami had been a little slow to figure out things, during the both band meeting when Johnny has swept in and announced the exact same thing.
But Hashimoto had been anxious from the moment that Totsuka was not there. From the moment he has walked into the room.
He had ‘casually’ announced that he had messaged Totsuka the night before but the other hadn’t answered, and that he as worried.
Kisuami and most of A.B.C-Z had brushed it off.
But then the meeting had started and Totsuka was not there.
Shifting in his seat Hashimoto had sent a panicked looked at everyone.
Totsuka did not miss meetings.
Neither did Fujigaya, but the anxiety at Totsuka’s absence was more palpable, cause Hashimoto wore his heart on his sleeve.
And they all knew that his heart beat for Totsuka.
Totsuka had thought the same, but look where that had gotten him.
When Johnny left, Hashimoto had cornered Kawai. During the meeting he had shot Kawai a look, when he had seen that the other was not surprised, as the others were, at the absence of Fujigaya and Totsuka. Miyata knew, because he was connect to Tamamori in a weird way that no one could explain but everyone was OK with. But, in this case, that merely meant that Miyata was extra clingy and affectionate, and that for once, when they were in public, Tamamori did not push him away.
As soon as it was manageable Hashimoto had pushed Kawai out of the room, fastening with a glare that would make Goseki proud if the circumstances were not what they were.
“I want to see him. What happened?” Were the words that were spoken, urgent and intense, and it was Tamamori who answered, following them out of the room.
“A curse is what happened. A fairy tale that we never thought would actually happen.”
“Nightmare.” Kawai choked in his scoff, but Tamamori just hmmed, gesturing down a hallway that no one used, and Hashimoto was off in an instant, leaving just Kawai and Tamamori in the hallway.
“I told Miyacchi to run damage control, and see if he cant make Watta realize. Not that it will do any good. But if anyone can fix this, you know that Hasshi is the one.”
“But knowing that he was the one that…. It will destroy him.”
Tamamori sighed. “Hasshi has never not gotten anything that he has set his heart on. And the fact that Tottu was gone, even for a few hours, has him on edge.”
Kawai nodded. “I am not sure if he can beat this curse, but Hashimoto….. he can do anything he sets his mind to.”
“For all of us, I hope that's true.”
“Come with me, hurry up! Take me there.” Hashimoto called as he disappeared down the corridor running ahead of them.
Tamamori looked down the hallway before looking at Kawai. Kawai nodded, the pair of them moving slowly though the halls. They were not anxious to go back, that was for sure. They had spent all night there. Watched their friends spend their last moments thinking, writing, not answering their phones, and just….staring off into the distance. It was in Kawai’s back pocket, Totsuka’s note to Hashimoto, and to his parents. He was supposed to give Hasshi the one, when he was ready. In Kawai’s ever so expert opnion he was not sure that Hashimoto would ever be ready, then then again Hashimoto always managed to surprise them.
The other letter was for Totsuka’s parents, to be given as soon as he saw them.
He and Tamamori would be stopping by both parent’s houses later that day. Someone had to tell them, in case they did not know, and while they would really, really, really prefer to do this by phone, that would make them dicks. And they weren’t. But if they were nicer people they might perhaps walk faster to where they could hear Hashimoto before they could see him. But he would not be the first person that they did this with, or the last, as the rest of their bands realized, and wanted to know what happened. It would happen. They should organize an event and get it over all at once. It would be easier, though akin to ripping off a band-aid.
But for some reason, though they hadn’t specifically said so, it was best if Hashimoto went first. He had figured it out himself, after all.
Kawai stopped Tamamori by the entry to the room that the statues were in, just watching, for a moment. Hashimoto was standing in front of Totsuka, and they could hear him, talking softly to himself. If the situation weren’t so heartbreaking it would be funny.
“It looks like him. ‘t’s perfect, really. But it can’t be Tottsu. Cause Tottsu isn’t a statue. But there is also one of Gaya-senpai, which means that maybe it is but… how is this possible?” Hashimoto paced around the statues, and when he got to the far side of the room his gaze locked on Kawai and Tamamori in the doorway.
“Explain. Why is Tottsu a statue?”
~~~~~~~
His world changed the moment that Hasshi realized that the crystal statue in front of him was in fact Totsuka Shota. To be more accurate, his world stopped. He had listened to the words that Tamamori was speaking, heard the grunts and hmms of affirmation that Kawai was giving, but everything that was happening was slower and slower until everything around him faded. The actual words would not process until much later, when he was at Tottsu’s parents house offering is most profuse apologies for being the cause of --- he could not even finish that thought at the moment. It was too much.
Ba dum. Ba dum. Badumbadumbadum.
All he could hear was the sound of his own heartbeat, steadily rising faster and faster and faster and faster as the reality and the panic set in.
All he could see was the glaring brightness of the crystal statue in front of him.
Totsuka Shota was-
Moments before, that morning, every since he had met Tottsu his world had changed. Slowly it became brighter and brighter, shining with the light and the glitter of sequins and Johnny’s and stage performances.
In the hard times, the times that he lagged behind the others, their brightness spurred him on to do better, to try harder. Tottsu always shone the brightest, and he was the one that Hasshi had wanted to not let down the most. Even recently, when Hasshi was sad and pouty in television, wanting to do more for the band, wanting to shine just as bright as everyone one else it was Tottsu that he wanted to impress the most. Tottsu who was in movies. Tottsu who was in stage plays. Tottsu who was all over the TV and the magazines and even a drama.
Tottsu was the star of Hasshi’s life.
And now that star was gone. The person he sang to, the person that was his everything, it was gone.
His world had no color with out Tottsu. What was the point. Hasshi loved Tottsu with all that he was, yet apparently somehow that had not been enough. Cause they were in this mess.
But Hasshi refused to life in a world without Tottsu, because without Tottsu there was no point.
Later, Hasshi would realize all of this. Later he would realize that he had never not gotten anything that he ever wanted, his stubbornness, strength of will, and a little bit of the Hasshi special brand of magic meant that he always won.
But for not, the only thing he could see was his Tottsu, immortalized in crystal, frozen as one fifth of a star, and his world stopped.
Ba dum. Ba dum. Badumbadumbadum.
Sinking to his knees Hasshi did not make a sound. Tears flowed freely from his eyes, streaming down his face and falling onto his shirt onto the floor, but he did not notice.
The one thing that kept his world turning was now forever out of his reach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~