oom: stables, outside milliways
It's been more than a few days since the last time Doc actually spoke to Katherine - and the way that they left each other has been biting at his insides, even through the battle and everything else that's gone on since the night he came back in half-frozen to death. Since then, he's gotten the sneaking feeling that she's trying to avoid him. He
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When his voice suddenly splits the air, it sends a prickle down her back. But she makes no outward appearance of being surprised, other than the brief hesitation of her right hand as she brushes down Duncan.
She keeps at her work, not looking up to greet him back. She is alert as he moves to his desk, but her eyes are on the slick, deep brown coat of the animal in front of her.
"Mornin'."
Her voice comes out quiet, barely audible.
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"You owed it to yourself. I'm not angry at you for going back, I'm angry because--"
She hesitates, a sudden lump in her throat cutting her off short. She looks down and swallows it quickly, forcing the words to come.
"I don't know why you kept it from me. You said you weren't gonna do that anymore, Doc. You promised me."
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His gaze goes from the ceiling to the floor.
"I took my tab out," he says. "Wiped it damn near clean, everything I could. I took it back to New York and I gave it to a friend of mine to take to them. I wasn't going to go see them, but I just...I had to. I knew I couldn't stay. I'm dead out there."
Doc swallows.
"We only...I told her I couldn't stay. She understood," he says, and a bitter, frustrated laugh escapes before he can stop it. "She didn't want..."
She never asked you to stay. You both knew you couldn't but she never asked.
He shakes his head, brushing the comment off. He's not going to get bitter or jealous about this right now, not going to let his temper come to the surface.
"I got t'say goodbye. Tore me..." he looks to the ceiling again, and swallows to fight the tight feeling in his throat. "Tore me up real good. Only reason I ain't talked 'bout it with you is 'cause it hurt so damn bad I didn't trust myself t'not go cryin' or somethin'."
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She hates the way he won't look at her. She hates it. She can hear the shame in his voice, and the shift of his eyes up, and down -- anywhere but at her -- makes him look guilty. Makes her uneasy.
It's like he's hiding something.
She scrubs at her face in frustration, gathering herself in one slow, deep breath.
"'Wasn't ready to talk about it.'"
But you talked about it with Jack. And you talked about it with Ben.
(You mean you wasn't ready to talk about it with me.)
She flinches when he doesn't quite finish his comment about Yen not wanting him to stay. The sentiment comes through easy enough, in that aggravated little laugh and the unhappy silence that hangs between the sudden end of that sentence and the beginning of the next.
They're his family, and he still loves them.
(He always will.)
"You don't think I deserved to know?"
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"You deserved to know. Especially after what I told you - what I promised you. I broke that promise and it's been tearin' my guts out since, thinking about it. I just didn't know what to say to you because I didn't want you to think that it was your fault, or somethin'. I don't...I was stupid."
He puts his hands in the pockets of his coat, but doesn't break the gaze.
"You deserved...you...God, why can't I say nothin' without screwin' things up."
He bites awkwardly at his lower lip, trying to think of what to say now.
"I ain't had to deal with actually gettin' closure, before. When I lost John, lost the boys...it wasn't like I had time to think 'bout things, pray 'bout things. I just had t'carry on. This is different. I had lots of time t'think about things. Time to heal. And that's...I just wasn't ready, yet."
Doc swallows.
"I got my closure, on that part of my life. M'ready t'let that go, now."
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She doesn't say a word until Duncan snorts softly, and she glances over her shoulder as if she had forgotten he was there.
"This ain't like losing John, or any of the other boys."
Her voice is soft and even, but there is a definite edge to it.
Her eyes skate back up to his. There is a dark spark in them now.
"They're dead, Doc. Your family isn't. And neither are you.
"So what's gonna happen the next time you get the urge to go see them?"
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Doc pulls in a breath and there's something there behind his eyes - not that dull look they held in the infirmary, when he just didn't want to do this anymore - but something different.
He has two options, here. Ignore what he just said, or finish the sentence.
Be honest with her.
"There are days when I feel like I am. Like I'm nothin' more than a ghost, out there on that horse, ridin' 'cross the prairie and freezin' my damn ass off. Days where I wonder just what the hell I'm doin' still above ground. By all rights, Kate, I should be dead."
He shakes his head.
"But you're right. I ain't dead. But out there, I get t'feeling that way. I know it's ridiculous but I can't help it 'cause that's how I feel. I know I got friends here, family here, people that give a damn and it's stupid for me to feel like this but I...I can't help it." The emotion creeps back into his voice near the end of his words ( ... )
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Her words echo softly, and she can hear Duncan shift and step uneasily, shaking his long snout.
There are dead folk in Milliways. Folk she cares about. Folk she hates to see trapped in a cage, regardless of whether its gilded or not.
Frustrated, she turns her back to him, working to untie Duncan's lead rope from the wall hook with her stiff hands.
"You lost a lot, and I am sorry for that, but it's like you told me before -- you didn't have to leave. You could have gone to Canada or Mexico or lord knows a veritable slew of other places."
Rope finally in hand, she turns and jabs an angry finger in his direction as she speaks:
"You wanted to leave ( ... )
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Doc sighs, frustrated himself and runs a hand through his hair as he stares at the ceiling, eyes turned heavenward.
(What he's looking for, he's got no idea. God hasn't given him direction in years.)
"But you're right," he finally says, as he drops the hand that was in his hair to his side. "You're right. I wanted to leave. I could have gone to Mexico or Canada or a million other places but I made a choice, Kate. I came back here."
He pauses.
"I ain't gonna apologize for that, but I am sorry for not tellin' you that I went back when you asked. And I can't tell you one way or the other if I'll ever want to go back. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But the only person who knows that is me, and I don't right now. Things change, situations change, people change, and reasonin' changes ( ... )
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Oh so very quiet.
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But there's nothing except silence, and an empty barn, which is why he walks over towards it.
"Kate...I just..." he sighs.
I never would have been happy.
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She will not cry. Not again.
"I should have listened to Ben Wade."
Her voice is choked and unsteady, too quiet to hear unless he's close.
Her fingers curl into a half-fist along that stall wall, and she bends just so that she looks for a moment like she might collapse.
"I am so stupid."
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"Kate?"
Doc reaches one hand out on instinct, but it doesn't get far from his hip before he stops, not sure if she even wants him to touch her.
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"You know, all this time I thought..."
She exhales sharply, head still shaking. Turning in a tight circle, her arms go around her body, hugging that coat around her breast. She stops when she's facing him, but it takes a moment before her eyes lift to catch his.
They're glassy, but there is a wry little smile on her face.
"You're right," she concedes. "It isn't fair of me to tell you how you're feeling. Obviously, the only person who knows that is you. Only you."
Her eyes go to her boots, and she kicks the heels absently to shake off mud and hay.
"Never me," she adds quietly.
She feels left out, suddenly like this relationship that had shown so much hope and promise will never grow deeper. He has locked her out, and she's seeing the walls he's put up around his heart for the very first time, like an unclimbable barrier he won't ever take down ( ... )
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"Kate."
He looks down to her, from the side, before he shifts his body, his hand moving to her elbow to turn her slightly towards him.
"The reason I went back to New York City was so that I could say goodbye to my family, so that I could allow myself to move on, and so that I wouldn't have them hangin' over us like some dark cloud on the horizon I'm tryin' to ignore. I never would have felt like I was bein' fair to you if I hadn't gone back and gotten that peace in my heart for myself. That was why I went back and that was why I walked away, outta that alley, and why I rode west out to Liberty."
His voice is even, and calm, almost resolute because he is telling her the truth about this.
"I told you I made it out to Liberty just fine. I left New York City and I never looked back, not once down that road. I needed to do that for myself, put that behind me. But I also needed to do that for us."
There's still an 'us', ain't there?Doc ( ... )
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She slowly agrees to be moved, not stopping until she can feel the solid wood jamb against her shoulder blades. She glances up to his face, her eyes still cold and hurt, but she doesn't look up for long.
"I don't care about that," she interjects sharply, when he begins to explain why he went to New York. "I wanted you to go, Doc. They're your family, and I think you should have seen them. I'm not mad you went. I'm not."
She goes quiet as he continues, letting the protest die in her throat.
'For us.'
'You're more important to me than anyone in the world.'
'I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.'
Her heart is raging, and for a minute all she can do is breathe, shrinking under the burn of his gaze. She squeezes her eyes shut to the tears she still stubbornly refuses to let escape.
She shakes her head. She shakes, and shakes ( ... )
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