(I Watch) The Sky Coming Down To Bury Me - Chapter 1
Header and Prologues
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four & Five - Chapter Six, Seven & Eight
Bonus Content
Chapter 1: Memories of a Laughing (Boy)
It's the first day of the first term and Ryan can't stop shaking. He's not a drama student, he's never been a drama student, and he doesn't want to be one. He's a writer; that's what he's been trained to do. It's just that, sometimes, he'd like to be able to show people what he really means by his words, not what someone else thinks they mean.
So, he's here, sitting too far back in the chairs that have been laid out, just out of the light from the main space. Ryan knows the lecturer has seen him; they've already had a conference about his involvement in the classes. But he also knows that part of the training involves actual participation in class, which means he has to act at some point.
He watches the brief with interest, studying the reactions of the students, knowing that he could find a story in one of them. Then, they are being called to the space, to participate in group timing exercises. The lecturer looks directly at him and nods his head, indicating that Ryan is included in this exercise.
They are clapping together, changing it slightly every so often and Ryan can feel that he is the only one that is out of time. The other students keep looking at him. He is older than most of them, by almost five years, and he know he looks out of place compared with the students. He sits out during some of the other exercises, things that are specifically for the acting students. He takes notes instead, watching the way that the students work and how they change when they put on their masks.
At the end of the class, he stays behind to talk to the lecturer about his further participation in lessons, and notices that some of the other students are also waiting.
"Hi, I'm Brendon. You're the directing student, right? Ryan?" Brendon says. Ryan furrows his brow at this, not understanding how he knew that, as the lecturer has not spoken about his presence in the class.
"Yes, I am. How did you…?" Brendon smiles and pats him gently on the arm. Ryan quirks his mouth at Brendon, and goes to talk to the lecturer.
Brendon is waiting around after Ryan finishes talking, and they begin to walk out together. Ryan looks at him as they step through the open doors into the cold September air.
"So, I'll see you next lesson." Brendon smiles at him and walks off. Ryan promises himself that he's not really watching the curve in the top of the other man's - boy's - jeans. It's a shallow promise.
**
"You wanna go get coffee? I'll tell you how much I know about you from just the way you sit, and you can tell me how little you know about Stanislavsky's techniques." Ryan looks up at Brendon from his books and raises an eyebrow. He's on the first page of An Actor Prepares and he's been reading it since four this afternoon. The last time he looked at his watch, it was seven and he's read it several times since then.
"Yeah, sure. I've got nothing better to do today." Brendon laughs a little and waits for Ryan to sort himself out. He leaves the book on the table for the librarian to tidy away.
**
Brendon turns out to be the biggest help Ryan's ever had. He hadn't expected that he'd need to learn all of these techniques or think about the way people actually went about learning to act. He'd always assumed it just happened, like writing had for him. He tries to explain this to Brendon one afternoon.
"It does. It does just happen. But that doesn't mean you can't learn how to be better." Ryan furrows his brow and Brendon sighs a little. "I'm sure the first thing you ever wrote for the purpose of creative writing wasn't the best thing you've ever written, right?
"I mean, I guess not. But I sort of learned how to write on my own. Nobody taught me." Brendon laughs at that and picks up the book Ryan's been reading since he got to England from the desk. He looks down at the cover - A Clockwork Orange - and flicks the book open, eyes skirting over the text.
"You sure about that? I mean, ok, this guy didn't. But every book you've ever read has taught you what sounds right, what words fit better where. There's so many different ways to write and if you've read enough, it's easier to write well." He puts the book back and looks at his friend slumped on the bed. "It's just that our profession can't really be learnt from books. I could watch all the movies and plays in the world, but if I never actually try to make myself better, it's not going to work. So, that's what I'm doing here."
Ryan nods; he thinks, he understands.
**
Years later, Ryan will still remember the first time he'd met Jon. He'll almost remember the first time he met Spencer, and even Brendon. But Jon will stick out in his mind. It isn't because he feels that first pop of attraction, but because it's the most hilarious thing he's ever seen. Brendon has a shared room in halls, and yet over the three weeks they have been friends, Ryan has never met his room mate.
So, to find a strange man dressed in only a towel, singing Genie in a Bottle loudly and off-key into a lamp is rather unsettling. Ryan manages to get an eyeful before he's running out, slamming the door behind him and going to find Brendon somewhere other than his room.
He'd been almost convinced that Brendon was straight, up until that point. He had always talked about 'his girl back home' with this stupid look on his face whenever the subject of Spencer came up. Somehow, this made it easier for Ryan to be his friend.
"Heya, what are you looking so gloomy about?" Brendon says, flinging himself into the chair next to Ryan. They only have a few minutes until their lesson is due to start and Greg, their lecturer, is still struggling with the projector screen.
"Nothing, kid, nothing. There was a guy in your room this morning?" He hadn't meant it to come out as a question, but it had. Ryan knows he shouldn't feel as bad as he does about it; god only knows what kind of hypocrite that makes him. It's then that Greg claps his hands together and the room stops talking.
"Jon?" Brendon asks before Greg looks at the two of them and they both turn forward to concentrate on the lesson. They don't talk about it more than that, and in hindsight he can see that Brendon had thought Ryan had met his roommate.
Then, because he thinks they've met, Brendon invites Jon out with them to the pub for a drink before dinner.
Ryan and Jon sit in almost abject silence, both thinking that the other is with Brendon. Brendon chats away to fill the silence, eyes darting between the two of them, which only seems to make things worse. Ryan sips as delicately as he can at the pint that Brendon always insists on buying him, watching the other two drink like they'd been doing it all their lives. It's hard to think that although Jon's only a few years younger than him and Brendon's barely nineteen they've both been drinking in pubs and going to nightclubs legally since they were eighteen. Ryan's only just used to drinking in public, and even so he's sure he will never be used to drinking a whole pint as quickly as the other two.
"So, you've been with Spencer how long?" says Brendon. Ryan can see Jon's shoulders relax and he laughs a little to himself. Jon thinks he's competition for his new boyfriend, of course.
"Um… we've been friends since… I was seven. He's a year younger than me, so he was six, I guess. But we're got together really recently. Well… not that recently. Like five years now, in September, I think. His parents know the exact date." Brendon chuckles tightly, purposefully not mentioning Ryan's parent's involvement in the situation. It's possible that he might think that it's because they aren't happy about Ryan being gay. Brendon doesn't ask about it, because however clingy he is, he's incredibly sensitive about other people.
"Is he in England or back in America?" Jon's leaning back in his chair, looking at Ryan over the rim of his glass. Ryan's not exactly sure what to make of him, but tells him anyway.
"He's back in New York still. I couldn't ask him to give his life up just for me. Again." Ryan bows his head, letting his voice drop. He wants to stop speaking, but it's the first time he's talked to anyone but Spencer about it and he really can't stop. "I miss him, a lot. And it's only been a month since I left." Brendon moves forward and rubs his shoulder until Ryan shrugs him off. It's a moment too long and both of the men know that. There isn't an awkward silence, because Brendon doesn't believe in silence.
"So, Jon's a design student, did I say?" Ryan shook his head and listens to him babbling on about all the things Jon's taught him about stage and prop design. Jon rolls his eyes at Ryan and they laugh under their breath together. Brendon mock glares at them and tells them that 'seriously, if you two want to make conversation, that's fine'. They ignore him.
Regardless of how well he and Jon seem to be getting on, Ryan still thinks that it's maybe best if he leaves a little earlier than usual. New couples always need time to themselves; Ryan knows this better than most.
**
It's Spencer's turn to call this week, and even so, Ryan doesn't expect to see his name flash up on the phone. Spencer's calling from their apartment in New York and if Ryan closes his eyes, he wants to believe he can hear the background noise of the city and can feel his boyfriend's breath on his cheek. He can't really, but his imagination supplies enough memory for him.
"How's Vicky doing? Her and Gabe still messing about with that band?" Spencer laughs gently in his ear and fills Ryan in on all the details of their most recent gig and their rapidly expanding fan base.
"It's kind of sad that they don't want to do it for real, they could be such a big hit. But Gabe says that's not the point." They've been having conversations like this more and more recently. Ryan wants to know everything about New York and Spencer really doesn't want to know about England. He doesn't want to know what Ryan's experiencing that he isn't. Ryan understands.
"I love you." On the New York end of the phone, Spencer stops in the middle of a sentence and breathes. They haven't said it to each other since Ryan got on the plane, except brief whispers at the end of phone calls. They both listen desperately for anything on the other end of the call, not wanting to break the moment.
Finally, Spencer replies. "I love you too." Ryan can hear the resignation in his voice, and momentarily he wishes that Spencer was crying. He gets a flash of Spencer's face and feels his own eyes fill up. They have a web cam on the main computer in the apartment, but Ryan's broke the week before, so they decided that they weren't going to use them anymore. He sighs heavily into the phone and listens to Spencer rearrange himself on the sofa. It's strange to have to listen to him on the phone, because they've never needed to before. They both sit in silence, wondering if there's anything else they need to say.
Then the buzzer goes and Ryan gets up to see who it is. Brendon shouts his greeting down the speaker and Ryan presses the button to let him up. He doesn't know what to say to Spencer really, so Ryan tells him what he really doesn't want to hear. "Spence? It's Brendon. I've gotta go. He'd said he'd help me with this dramatic review on that play I said we went to see." Ryan hears a whispered goodbye from the other end of the phone and hangs up.
The dial tone rings in Spencer's ear and he wipes his face. He doesn't know what to do with himself, so he lies there for a moment, staring at the ceiling. Then he gets up, throwing the land-line on the armchair as he passes it, and heads for the kitchen. He doesn't know why, because all it has in it is an empty fridge and too many memories. At the door, he turns back again and picks up the phone, pressing speed dial number 5 and pushing the phone tight to his ear.
It rings almost fourteen times - not that Spencer had been counting - before he hears the click of the phone being picked up. Vicky sighs into it and says, "This better be important Spencer Smith, I was in the middle of convincing Gabe to audition some guitarists."
"I just called Ryan." Spencer doesn't want to know that this will persuade Vicky to drop what ever she's doing, but he does. He's known since before Ryan left for England. Spencer loves Ryan, and that's probably most of the problem. "Do you have time for coffee?"
"Gabe never says yes anyway. I'll get my coat." Spencer lets his eyes fall closed for a second before Vicky's there again, telling him where and when to meet her. He feels his shoulders drop, knowing that that's enough to make him feel even a little better.
**
Ryan doesn't want to interfere with Brendon and Jon's relationship, but when he sees Brendon making eyes at one of the girls from their drama class over a cup of coffee, he can't really stop himself. He pulls the younger man away from the table with a mumbled apology and shoves him outside.
"Hey, hey, what? I'm busy trying not to make babies here." Brendon waves an arm in the direction of the girl and he pouts forlornly at Ryan.
"Yes, I noticed. What about Jon? You think about him while you were chasing tail?" Brendon screws up his eyes and laughs a little at him. He knows that Brendon is flirtatious and that he is always chasing after women, but Ryan thought that it had all been in good fun, not for real.
"I try not to. I mean, I don't think it would help any." He glances at the table quickly, then back to Ryan. "Look, she's going to get impatient, what's up?"
"What's up? You're cheating on Jon and you seem perfectly fine with it." Brendon looks at Ryan's face for a second and then breaks out laughing.
"Jon? Jon? You think… I'm dating Jon? Oh man, no way!" He claps Ryan on the shoulder and goes to walk back to the girl. "Go talk to Jon, he'll sort it out. I, on the other hand, have a date to get back to."
Ryan doesn't really have to go ask Jon to know what's going on. He shakes his head, frowning to himself and checks the time. He has to run anyway, he has an essay to give in. Looking back at the girl's confused face and Brendon's over-animated hands, Ryan thinks that he should really ask about people before he assumes things.
Chapter Two
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four & Five - Chapter Six, Seven & Eight
Bonus Content
Chapter 1: Memories of a Laughing (Boy)
It's the first day of the first term and Ryan can't stop shaking. He's not a drama student, he's never been a drama student, and he doesn't want to be one. He's a writer; that's what he's been trained to do. It's just that, sometimes, he'd like to be able to show people what he really means by his words, not what someone else thinks they mean.
So, he's here, sitting too far back in the chairs that have been laid out, just out of the light from the main space. Ryan knows the lecturer has seen him; they've already had a conference about his involvement in the classes. But he also knows that part of the training involves actual participation in class, which means he has to act at some point.
He watches the brief with interest, studying the reactions of the students, knowing that he could find a story in one of them. Then, they are being called to the space, to participate in group timing exercises. The lecturer looks directly at him and nods his head, indicating that Ryan is included in this exercise.
They are clapping together, changing it slightly every so often and Ryan can feel that he is the only one that is out of time. The other students keep looking at him. He is older than most of them, by almost five years, and he know he looks out of place compared with the students. He sits out during some of the other exercises, things that are specifically for the acting students. He takes notes instead, watching the way that the students work and how they change when they put on their masks.
At the end of the class, he stays behind to talk to the lecturer about his further participation in lessons, and notices that some of the other students are also waiting.
"Hi, I'm Brendon. You're the directing student, right? Ryan?" Brendon says. Ryan furrows his brow at this, not understanding how he knew that, as the lecturer has not spoken about his presence in the class.
"Yes, I am. How did you…?" Brendon smiles and pats him gently on the arm. Ryan quirks his mouth at Brendon, and goes to talk to the lecturer.
Brendon is waiting around after Ryan finishes talking, and they begin to walk out together. Ryan looks at him as they step through the open doors into the cold September air.
"So, I'll see you next lesson." Brendon smiles at him and walks off. Ryan promises himself that he's not really watching the curve in the top of the other man's - boy's - jeans. It's a shallow promise.
**
"You wanna go get coffee? I'll tell you how much I know about you from just the way you sit, and you can tell me how little you know about Stanislavsky's techniques." Ryan looks up at Brendon from his books and raises an eyebrow. He's on the first page of An Actor Prepares and he's been reading it since four this afternoon. The last time he looked at his watch, it was seven and he's read it several times since then.
"Yeah, sure. I've got nothing better to do today." Brendon laughs a little and waits for Ryan to sort himself out. He leaves the book on the table for the librarian to tidy away.
**
Brendon turns out to be the biggest help Ryan's ever had. He hadn't expected that he'd need to learn all of these techniques or think about the way people actually went about learning to act. He'd always assumed it just happened, like writing had for him. He tries to explain this to Brendon one afternoon.
"It does. It does just happen. But that doesn't mean you can't learn how to be better." Ryan furrows his brow and Brendon sighs a little. "I'm sure the first thing you ever wrote for the purpose of creative writing wasn't the best thing you've ever written, right?
"I mean, I guess not. But I sort of learned how to write on my own. Nobody taught me." Brendon laughs at that and picks up the book Ryan's been reading since he got to England from the desk. He looks down at the cover - A Clockwork Orange - and flicks the book open, eyes skirting over the text.
"You sure about that? I mean, ok, this guy didn't. But every book you've ever read has taught you what sounds right, what words fit better where. There's so many different ways to write and if you've read enough, it's easier to write well." He puts the book back and looks at his friend slumped on the bed. "It's just that our profession can't really be learnt from books. I could watch all the movies and plays in the world, but if I never actually try to make myself better, it's not going to work. So, that's what I'm doing here."
Ryan nods; he thinks, he understands.
**
Years later, Ryan will still remember the first time he'd met Jon. He'll almost remember the first time he met Spencer, and even Brendon. But Jon will stick out in his mind. It isn't because he feels that first pop of attraction, but because it's the most hilarious thing he's ever seen. Brendon has a shared room in halls, and yet over the three weeks they have been friends, Ryan has never met his room mate.
So, to find a strange man dressed in only a towel, singing Genie in a Bottle loudly and off-key into a lamp is rather unsettling. Ryan manages to get an eyeful before he's running out, slamming the door behind him and going to find Brendon somewhere other than his room.
He'd been almost convinced that Brendon was straight, up until that point. He had always talked about 'his girl back home' with this stupid look on his face whenever the subject of Spencer came up. Somehow, this made it easier for Ryan to be his friend.
"Heya, what are you looking so gloomy about?" Brendon says, flinging himself into the chair next to Ryan. They only have a few minutes until their lesson is due to start and Greg, their lecturer, is still struggling with the projector screen.
"Nothing, kid, nothing. There was a guy in your room this morning?" He hadn't meant it to come out as a question, but it had. Ryan knows he shouldn't feel as bad as he does about it; god only knows what kind of hypocrite that makes him. It's then that Greg claps his hands together and the room stops talking.
"Jon?" Brendon asks before Greg looks at the two of them and they both turn forward to concentrate on the lesson. They don't talk about it more than that, and in hindsight he can see that Brendon had thought Ryan had met his roommate.
Then, because he thinks they've met, Brendon invites Jon out with them to the pub for a drink before dinner.
Ryan and Jon sit in almost abject silence, both thinking that the other is with Brendon. Brendon chats away to fill the silence, eyes darting between the two of them, which only seems to make things worse. Ryan sips as delicately as he can at the pint that Brendon always insists on buying him, watching the other two drink like they'd been doing it all their lives. It's hard to think that although Jon's only a few years younger than him and Brendon's barely nineteen they've both been drinking in pubs and going to nightclubs legally since they were eighteen. Ryan's only just used to drinking in public, and even so he's sure he will never be used to drinking a whole pint as quickly as the other two.
"So, you've been with Spencer how long?" says Brendon. Ryan can see Jon's shoulders relax and he laughs a little to himself. Jon thinks he's competition for his new boyfriend, of course.
"Um… we've been friends since… I was seven. He's a year younger than me, so he was six, I guess. But we're got together really recently. Well… not that recently. Like five years now, in September, I think. His parents know the exact date." Brendon chuckles tightly, purposefully not mentioning Ryan's parent's involvement in the situation. It's possible that he might think that it's because they aren't happy about Ryan being gay. Brendon doesn't ask about it, because however clingy he is, he's incredibly sensitive about other people.
"Is he in England or back in America?" Jon's leaning back in his chair, looking at Ryan over the rim of his glass. Ryan's not exactly sure what to make of him, but tells him anyway.
"He's back in New York still. I couldn't ask him to give his life up just for me. Again." Ryan bows his head, letting his voice drop. He wants to stop speaking, but it's the first time he's talked to anyone but Spencer about it and he really can't stop. "I miss him, a lot. And it's only been a month since I left." Brendon moves forward and rubs his shoulder until Ryan shrugs him off. It's a moment too long and both of the men know that. There isn't an awkward silence, because Brendon doesn't believe in silence.
"So, Jon's a design student, did I say?" Ryan shook his head and listens to him babbling on about all the things Jon's taught him about stage and prop design. Jon rolls his eyes at Ryan and they laugh under their breath together. Brendon mock glares at them and tells them that 'seriously, if you two want to make conversation, that's fine'. They ignore him.
Regardless of how well he and Jon seem to be getting on, Ryan still thinks that it's maybe best if he leaves a little earlier than usual. New couples always need time to themselves; Ryan knows this better than most.
**
It's Spencer's turn to call this week, and even so, Ryan doesn't expect to see his name flash up on the phone. Spencer's calling from their apartment in New York and if Ryan closes his eyes, he wants to believe he can hear the background noise of the city and can feel his boyfriend's breath on his cheek. He can't really, but his imagination supplies enough memory for him.
"How's Vicky doing? Her and Gabe still messing about with that band?" Spencer laughs gently in his ear and fills Ryan in on all the details of their most recent gig and their rapidly expanding fan base.
"It's kind of sad that they don't want to do it for real, they could be such a big hit. But Gabe says that's not the point." They've been having conversations like this more and more recently. Ryan wants to know everything about New York and Spencer really doesn't want to know about England. He doesn't want to know what Ryan's experiencing that he isn't. Ryan understands.
"I love you." On the New York end of the phone, Spencer stops in the middle of a sentence and breathes. They haven't said it to each other since Ryan got on the plane, except brief whispers at the end of phone calls. They both listen desperately for anything on the other end of the call, not wanting to break the moment.
Finally, Spencer replies. "I love you too." Ryan can hear the resignation in his voice, and momentarily he wishes that Spencer was crying. He gets a flash of Spencer's face and feels his own eyes fill up. They have a web cam on the main computer in the apartment, but Ryan's broke the week before, so they decided that they weren't going to use them anymore. He sighs heavily into the phone and listens to Spencer rearrange himself on the sofa. It's strange to have to listen to him on the phone, because they've never needed to before. They both sit in silence, wondering if there's anything else they need to say.
Then the buzzer goes and Ryan gets up to see who it is. Brendon shouts his greeting down the speaker and Ryan presses the button to let him up. He doesn't know what to say to Spencer really, so Ryan tells him what he really doesn't want to hear. "Spence? It's Brendon. I've gotta go. He'd said he'd help me with this dramatic review on that play I said we went to see." Ryan hears a whispered goodbye from the other end of the phone and hangs up.
The dial tone rings in Spencer's ear and he wipes his face. He doesn't know what to do with himself, so he lies there for a moment, staring at the ceiling. Then he gets up, throwing the land-line on the armchair as he passes it, and heads for the kitchen. He doesn't know why, because all it has in it is an empty fridge and too many memories. At the door, he turns back again and picks up the phone, pressing speed dial number 5 and pushing the phone tight to his ear.
It rings almost fourteen times - not that Spencer had been counting - before he hears the click of the phone being picked up. Vicky sighs into it and says, "This better be important Spencer Smith, I was in the middle of convincing Gabe to audition some guitarists."
"I just called Ryan." Spencer doesn't want to know that this will persuade Vicky to drop what ever she's doing, but he does. He's known since before Ryan left for England. Spencer loves Ryan, and that's probably most of the problem. "Do you have time for coffee?"
"Gabe never says yes anyway. I'll get my coat." Spencer lets his eyes fall closed for a second before Vicky's there again, telling him where and when to meet her. He feels his shoulders drop, knowing that that's enough to make him feel even a little better.
**
Ryan doesn't want to interfere with Brendon and Jon's relationship, but when he sees Brendon making eyes at one of the girls from their drama class over a cup of coffee, he can't really stop himself. He pulls the younger man away from the table with a mumbled apology and shoves him outside.
"Hey, hey, what? I'm busy trying not to make babies here." Brendon waves an arm in the direction of the girl and he pouts forlornly at Ryan.
"Yes, I noticed. What about Jon? You think about him while you were chasing tail?" Brendon screws up his eyes and laughs a little at him. He knows that Brendon is flirtatious and that he is always chasing after women, but Ryan thought that it had all been in good fun, not for real.
"I try not to. I mean, I don't think it would help any." He glances at the table quickly, then back to Ryan. "Look, she's going to get impatient, what's up?"
"What's up? You're cheating on Jon and you seem perfectly fine with it." Brendon looks at Ryan's face for a second and then breaks out laughing.
"Jon? Jon? You think… I'm dating Jon? Oh man, no way!" He claps Ryan on the shoulder and goes to walk back to the girl. "Go talk to Jon, he'll sort it out. I, on the other hand, have a date to get back to."
Ryan doesn't really have to go ask Jon to know what's going on. He shakes his head, frowning to himself and checks the time. He has to run anyway, he has an essay to give in. Looking back at the girl's confused face and Brendon's over-animated hands, Ryan thinks that he should really ask about people before he assumes things.
Chapter Two