KINGDOM HEARTS | it can always get worse {axel/kairi, riku/kairi, roxas/kairi}
TITLE.it can always get worse
FANDOM. Kingdom Hearts
PAIRINGS/CHARACTERS. Axel/Kairi, Riku/Kairi, Roxas/Kairi. Sora.
RATING. T.
NOTES. Kingdom Hearts. In Super Mario Land. Oh. My. God.
Princess Kairi was sitting in her room when the castle started to shake. She paused, then put her brush down and sighed. Toad scuttled past, shrieking. “Not again…”
“HEY, BABE,” a voice-over said. “LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW ALREADY.”
She rolled her eyes and did as instructed. Hovering a few feet below, Axel - complete with a giant Koopa shell strapped to his back with duct tape - and Roxas, whose skin was as yellow as his hair and flaking in places - bad paint job, probably - sat. Axel looked up at her and grinned his favourite shit-eating grin. She shared a glance with Roxas.
“Axel, for the last time,” she huffed, “We are not having a pyrotechnic wedding!”
“Fine,” he muttered. Then he shoved Roxas over and gestured to the hovercraft. “Now would you climb in already? This thing is going to run out of fuel at some point.”
“Ugh.” She scrunched up her nose and gathered her skirts. “Alright.”
--
“WE HAVE A PROBLEM.”
“Sora,” Riku said, scowling, “I’m right next to you. Stop capslocking.”
Sora sulked for about half a second, then adjusted his green hat and started flailing. “Axel kidnapped Kairi and is trying to marry her.”
Riku scratched his ear. “And this is different from usual… how?”
“Well,” Sora blinked, “for one, she actually agreed to this time.”
“WHAT,” Riku said, and promptly took off towards Axel’s Extremely Big and Obvious Castle © at top speed. Sora watched him go, head cocked.
“Man,” he said aloud, before racing after him. “Red really is not his color.”
--
Meanwhile, King Axel and Kairi were locked in an epic battle of wills.
“We are NOT having a PINK wedding.”
“I’m the one being forced here. I think I should have a say!”
“I REFUSE.”
“Oh, please, like anyone’s going to listen to you anyways, Captain Duct Tape.”
“What was that, Princess Puff,” he drawled, eyeing her dress. “I COULDN’T HEAR YOU PAST ALL THE FABRIC.”
“At least my dress has a use!”
Axel thought of when she’d first realized she could float around in it and had spent the better part of two hours doing so. He also thought of how easy it’d been to see up her skirt.
“Yeah,” he replied dreamily, “yeah, it does.”
Kairi raised an eyebrow at him and went back to deciding on flowers.
Roxas sighed. “Well, that sucked.”
--
“Okay, so, if we hit this block here, and then jump into that chasm, we should find the door to the next area.”
“WHO PUTS A DOOR IN A CHASM? AND WHY THE CRAP IS THIS ALL SO COMPLICATED. HOW DOES ANYBODY GET AROUND IN THIS FREAKING PLACE?”
“Riku, I know you’re panicked, but stop yelling.”
“I AM NOT YELLING. OR PANICKING.”
“Tell that to the shift key.”
“WHAT.”
“Never mind. Oh, look! A floating… character… thing.” Sora squinted at the manual he was holding, titled Pipes, Mushrooms and Blue Blocks, Oh My! For Idiots which was really just a walkthrough he’d printed off the internet in disguise. “It says here it’s like… mandatory this thing help us. HEY, STAR THING.”
The star thing floated over to them. “YO.”
Sora smiled brightly while Riku started hitting blocks all over the place. “Think you could help us? Princess Kairi got kidnapped by Axel again and we’re trying to get to that Extremely Big and Obvious Castle © over there.” He pointed. “Got any tips?”
“IS SHE THE HOT ONE?”
“YES,” Riku yelled, knee deep in Goombas. Sora pinched the bridge of his nose.
“AND AXEL KIDNAPPED HER?”
“Yeah,” Sora said. The star looped a couple of times.
“HE HAS A SHELL. THEIR CHILDREN WILL BE HIDEOUS.”
Behind him, Riku froze. “… children?”
“… nice going,” Sora grumbled, watching Riku take off, leaping over a canyon that was at least twenty feet long.
“IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING?”
“No,” Sora muttered, “she’s his,” and pointed at Riku who was stomping on a Squig.
“AXEL YOU SONUVA--”
“Riku!” Sora warned. “WE’RE RATED E.”
“-KOOPA. WAIT, WHAT THE CRAP IS A KOOPA ANYWAY. UGH, I HATE THIS WORLD. DIE, GOOMBA, DIE.”
“IS HE ALWAYS LIKE THIS,” the star asked.
Sora shook his head. “Would you believe me if I told you he used to be the biggest emo kid on our block?”
“SERIOUSLY?”
“Then Roxas showed up.”
“SEEMS LIKE YOU’VE GOT IT ROUGH,” the star said, as Riku landed on a switch and released an army of zombie mushrooms. “HERE, HAVE A WHY-ARE-THEY-ALWAYS-INVISIBLE-AT-FIRST-BRIDGE.”
“Sweet, thanks!” Sora watched as the bridge stretched out from the edge of the… ground… and extended all the way to Axel’s Extremely Big and Obvious Castle ©. “Hey, Riku! I got us a bridge!”
Riku stopped attacking an innocent Yoshi long enough to look at the bridge in question. Then the Yoshi ate him.
Sora face-palmed. “I knew I should’ve picked the red hat when that ominous voice told me to.”
--
Kairi was in the middle of putting on her wedding dress when Axel burst in. Well, more like ran in after the door burst into flame. She turned and fixed him with a glare. “That’s the fourth door this month!”
“I can’t help it,” he whined. “This breathing fire thing is SO AWESOME.”
“And he kisses you with that mouth,” Roxas deadpanned behind them. Kairi rubbed her temples.
“That explains the whole tasting like burnt flesh, thing,” she mumbled. Axel tried to swoop in on her stealthily but lost his balance thanks to the extra weights Roxas had thrown into his shell accidentally-on-purpose and fell onto his back instead. They both watched as he kicked the air.
“… SNRK.” Kairi covered her mouth with her hand and doubled over. Roxas smirked, but didn’t laugh in favour of watching Kairi bend over in her partially undone dress. Axel flailed more.
“IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR HUSBAND.”
“Payback for the Stockholm Syndrome,” Kairi quipped, and flounced out of the room. Roxas stared. “Hey, Roxas, can you tie this up for me?”
“… yes,” he said, showing as much glee as he could with only his eyebrows raised. “Yes, I can.”
“KAIRI, YOU CHEATING SLU-”
--
Riku and Sora got sick of all the switch hitting and invisible block smashing about twenty minutes in and just started kicking things down. It was SUPER EFFECTIVE.
“Wrong fandom,” Sora said. Riku slammed his head against the nearest wall.
Eventually, they ended up in a long hall covered in red carpet. A giant, red door loomed at the end. They both stared.
“I’m guessing that’s the boss door,” Sora said dryly.
“Well, no shit,” Riku deadpanned, finally back to normal. A Chain Chomp fell out of the ceiling and promptly started chasing him around the room. “HOLY--”
“And so the Rating Gods were royally pissed,” Sora mused, and then slapped himself as another Chain Chomp fell. “Oh, goddamn it!”
Needless to say, when Roxas came out to check if the guests and mandatory wedding crashers/heroes had shown up yet, it looked like a rainbow had exploded all over the place. Riku and Sora clung to the chandelier, occasionally dropping down to jump on one before bouncing up.
“ROXAS,” Sora yelled, looking relieved. “OH, THANK GOD.”
Another one fell. Riku punched Sora in the face. “JUST SHUT UP.”
Roxas looked bored as a purple Chain Chomp tried to latch onto Riku’s too-big pants. “… why are they coloured?”
“BECAUSE AXEL’S A FAGGOT.”
A striped one fell, this time. Sora exacted his revenge by shoving Riku off the chandelier. “JUST MAKE IT STOP.”
“Okay,” Roxas said tonelessly, and stepped on a SUPER SECRET switch. The entire hallway floor disappeared and all the Chain Chomps fell. Sora waited until it came back, and then dropped down. He wiped his hands off on his overalls and grinned.
“Thanks, Roxas, we were almost done f - OH CRAP RIKU.”
“Worst. Heroes. Ever,” Roxas said, and stepped on the switch again before Sora could even ask.
--
“Axel, are you still angsting over earlier?”
“I’m not angsting!”
“It sure looks like angsting. I would know - I’m dating Riku.”
“God, you are such a two-timing whore, you know that.”
Right on cue, a pipe appeared under Axel, complete with snapping Piranha Plant. Kairi watched in amusement as Axel jumped about fifty feet in the air - man, this castle had high ceilings - and then landed somewhere back near the castle entrance.
“Huh,” Kairi said aloud, “Go figure.”
--
In the dungeon, Sora was having the time of his life playing fetch with a Bones. “Riku, look! It’s bringing back its own femur!”
The Bones did not seem amused. It threw the bone at Sora, who caught it easily and threw it back. It nailed it in the head. Riku was sitting on some spikes, sulking - err, thinking deeply.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE LEFT ME FOR A TURTLE.”
“You’re not going to have another mid-life crisis, are you?” Sora asked, while playing what he thought was keep away with the Bones. When he raised its spine above his head, the head rolling across the floor bit his shin. “OW. No biting, you cheater!”
He punted the head across the room, and, of course managed to hit an invisible switch, which revealed a door. They both blinked.
“Man,” Riku said, still blinking hard, “even in a different game you’re still the hero.”
“Fourth wall, Riku,” Sora said, and kicked the door open.
--
Kairi was standing at the alter, impatiently waiting for Axel to get back from his journey through his own freaking castle, when the doors swung open. She turned, ready to give her future husband the tongue lashing of a lifetime, but stopped when Sora and Riku stumbled in. Sora was holding someone’s spine in one hand. Riku looked a little tanner.
“He was moping, wasn’t he,” she asked, and Sora nodded. Riku raced over and starting inspecting her for hickies.
“YOU GUYS HAVEN’T HAD SEX YET, RIGHT?”
“Riku,” she deadpanned, “we aren’t even married. I think he got stuck back on Floor 25. He doesn’t have a hammer.”
Riku sagged against her. “I really, really hate this world.”
“Same here,” she grumbled. “But we can’t leave until I get married.”
“Riku can do it!” Sora suggested. Riku did a once over of the whole room, and then Kairi, and started running for the door. Kairi threw her bouquet at him. Sora stuck his foot out and watched his best friend unceremoniously face plant on the carpet.
“If you ever loved me,” Kairi said in her best simpering-damsel voice, “you’ll marry me.”
They all paused. She sighed. “Besides, it’s not like it really counts, anyway. Our priest is a Whomp!”
“Fair enough,” Riku said to the floor, and got up.
--
Meanwhile, on Floor 25.
“FUCKING BLOCKS.”
A blue Chain Chomp fell from the ceiling. Axel stared. Roxas wondered how many Super Shrooms it’d take to forget any of this ever happened.
FANDOM. Kingdom Hearts
PAIRINGS/CHARACTERS. Axel/Kairi, Riku/Kairi, Roxas/Kairi. Sora.
RATING. T.
NOTES. Kingdom Hearts. In Super Mario Land. Oh. My. God.
Princess Kairi was sitting in her room when the castle started to shake. She paused, then put her brush down and sighed. Toad scuttled past, shrieking. “Not again…”
“HEY, BABE,” a voice-over said. “LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW ALREADY.”
She rolled her eyes and did as instructed. Hovering a few feet below, Axel - complete with a giant Koopa shell strapped to his back with duct tape - and Roxas, whose skin was as yellow as his hair and flaking in places - bad paint job, probably - sat. Axel looked up at her and grinned his favourite shit-eating grin. She shared a glance with Roxas.
“Axel, for the last time,” she huffed, “We are not having a pyrotechnic wedding!”
“Fine,” he muttered. Then he shoved Roxas over and gestured to the hovercraft. “Now would you climb in already? This thing is going to run out of fuel at some point.”
“Ugh.” She scrunched up her nose and gathered her skirts. “Alright.”
--
“WE HAVE A PROBLEM.”
“Sora,” Riku said, scowling, “I’m right next to you. Stop capslocking.”
Sora sulked for about half a second, then adjusted his green hat and started flailing. “Axel kidnapped Kairi and is trying to marry her.”
Riku scratched his ear. “And this is different from usual… how?”
“Well,” Sora blinked, “for one, she actually agreed to this time.”
“WHAT,” Riku said, and promptly took off towards Axel’s Extremely Big and Obvious Castle © at top speed. Sora watched him go, head cocked.
“Man,” he said aloud, before racing after him. “Red really is not his color.”
--
Meanwhile, King Axel and Kairi were locked in an epic battle of wills.
“We are NOT having a PINK wedding.”
“I’m the one being forced here. I think I should have a say!”
“I REFUSE.”
“Oh, please, like anyone’s going to listen to you anyways, Captain Duct Tape.”
“What was that, Princess Puff,” he drawled, eyeing her dress. “I COULDN’T HEAR YOU PAST ALL THE FABRIC.”
“At least my dress has a use!”
Axel thought of when she’d first realized she could float around in it and had spent the better part of two hours doing so. He also thought of how easy it’d been to see up her skirt.
“Yeah,” he replied dreamily, “yeah, it does.”
Kairi raised an eyebrow at him and went back to deciding on flowers.
Roxas sighed. “Well, that sucked.”
--
“Okay, so, if we hit this block here, and then jump into that chasm, we should find the door to the next area.”
“WHO PUTS A DOOR IN A CHASM? AND WHY THE CRAP IS THIS ALL SO COMPLICATED. HOW DOES ANYBODY GET AROUND IN THIS FREAKING PLACE?”
“Riku, I know you’re panicked, but stop yelling.”
“I AM NOT YELLING. OR PANICKING.”
“Tell that to the shift key.”
“WHAT.”
“Never mind. Oh, look! A floating… character… thing.” Sora squinted at the manual he was holding, titled Pipes, Mushrooms and Blue Blocks, Oh My! For Idiots which was really just a walkthrough he’d printed off the internet in disguise. “It says here it’s like… mandatory this thing help us. HEY, STAR THING.”
The star thing floated over to them. “YO.”
Sora smiled brightly while Riku started hitting blocks all over the place. “Think you could help us? Princess Kairi got kidnapped by Axel again and we’re trying to get to that Extremely Big and Obvious Castle © over there.” He pointed. “Got any tips?”
“IS SHE THE HOT ONE?”
“YES,” Riku yelled, knee deep in Goombas. Sora pinched the bridge of his nose.
“AND AXEL KIDNAPPED HER?”
“Yeah,” Sora said. The star looped a couple of times.
“HE HAS A SHELL. THEIR CHILDREN WILL BE HIDEOUS.”
Behind him, Riku froze. “… children?”
“… nice going,” Sora grumbled, watching Riku take off, leaping over a canyon that was at least twenty feet long.
“IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING?”
“No,” Sora muttered, “she’s his,” and pointed at Riku who was stomping on a Squig.
“AXEL YOU SONUVA--”
“Riku!” Sora warned. “WE’RE RATED E.”
“-KOOPA. WAIT, WHAT THE CRAP IS A KOOPA ANYWAY. UGH, I HATE THIS WORLD. DIE, GOOMBA, DIE.”
“IS HE ALWAYS LIKE THIS,” the star asked.
Sora shook his head. “Would you believe me if I told you he used to be the biggest emo kid on our block?”
“SERIOUSLY?”
“Then Roxas showed up.”
“SEEMS LIKE YOU’VE GOT IT ROUGH,” the star said, as Riku landed on a switch and released an army of zombie mushrooms. “HERE, HAVE A WHY-ARE-THEY-ALWAYS-INVISIBLE-AT-FIRST-BRIDGE.”
“Sweet, thanks!” Sora watched as the bridge stretched out from the edge of the… ground… and extended all the way to Axel’s Extremely Big and Obvious Castle ©. “Hey, Riku! I got us a bridge!”
Riku stopped attacking an innocent Yoshi long enough to look at the bridge in question. Then the Yoshi ate him.
Sora face-palmed. “I knew I should’ve picked the red hat when that ominous voice told me to.”
--
Kairi was in the middle of putting on her wedding dress when Axel burst in. Well, more like ran in after the door burst into flame. She turned and fixed him with a glare. “That’s the fourth door this month!”
“I can’t help it,” he whined. “This breathing fire thing is SO AWESOME.”
“And he kisses you with that mouth,” Roxas deadpanned behind them. Kairi rubbed her temples.
“That explains the whole tasting like burnt flesh, thing,” she mumbled. Axel tried to swoop in on her stealthily but lost his balance thanks to the extra weights Roxas had thrown into his shell accidentally-on-purpose and fell onto his back instead. They both watched as he kicked the air.
“… SNRK.” Kairi covered her mouth with her hand and doubled over. Roxas smirked, but didn’t laugh in favour of watching Kairi bend over in her partially undone dress. Axel flailed more.
“IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR HUSBAND.”
“Payback for the Stockholm Syndrome,” Kairi quipped, and flounced out of the room. Roxas stared. “Hey, Roxas, can you tie this up for me?”
“… yes,” he said, showing as much glee as he could with only his eyebrows raised. “Yes, I can.”
“KAIRI, YOU CHEATING SLU-”
--
Riku and Sora got sick of all the switch hitting and invisible block smashing about twenty minutes in and just started kicking things down. It was SUPER EFFECTIVE.
“Wrong fandom,” Sora said. Riku slammed his head against the nearest wall.
Eventually, they ended up in a long hall covered in red carpet. A giant, red door loomed at the end. They both stared.
“I’m guessing that’s the boss door,” Sora said dryly.
“Well, no shit,” Riku deadpanned, finally back to normal. A Chain Chomp fell out of the ceiling and promptly started chasing him around the room. “HOLY--”
“And so the Rating Gods were royally pissed,” Sora mused, and then slapped himself as another Chain Chomp fell. “Oh, goddamn it!”
Needless to say, when Roxas came out to check if the guests and mandatory wedding crashers/heroes had shown up yet, it looked like a rainbow had exploded all over the place. Riku and Sora clung to the chandelier, occasionally dropping down to jump on one before bouncing up.
“ROXAS,” Sora yelled, looking relieved. “OH, THANK GOD.”
Another one fell. Riku punched Sora in the face. “JUST SHUT UP.”
Roxas looked bored as a purple Chain Chomp tried to latch onto Riku’s too-big pants. “… why are they coloured?”
“BECAUSE AXEL’S A FAGGOT.”
A striped one fell, this time. Sora exacted his revenge by shoving Riku off the chandelier. “JUST MAKE IT STOP.”
“Okay,” Roxas said tonelessly, and stepped on a SUPER SECRET switch. The entire hallway floor disappeared and all the Chain Chomps fell. Sora waited until it came back, and then dropped down. He wiped his hands off on his overalls and grinned.
“Thanks, Roxas, we were almost done f - OH CRAP RIKU.”
“Worst. Heroes. Ever,” Roxas said, and stepped on the switch again before Sora could even ask.
--
“Axel, are you still angsting over earlier?”
“I’m not angsting!”
“It sure looks like angsting. I would know - I’m dating Riku.”
“God, you are such a two-timing whore, you know that.”
Right on cue, a pipe appeared under Axel, complete with snapping Piranha Plant. Kairi watched in amusement as Axel jumped about fifty feet in the air - man, this castle had high ceilings - and then landed somewhere back near the castle entrance.
“Huh,” Kairi said aloud, “Go figure.”
--
In the dungeon, Sora was having the time of his life playing fetch with a Bones. “Riku, look! It’s bringing back its own femur!”
The Bones did not seem amused. It threw the bone at Sora, who caught it easily and threw it back. It nailed it in the head. Riku was sitting on some spikes, sulking - err, thinking deeply.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE LEFT ME FOR A TURTLE.”
“You’re not going to have another mid-life crisis, are you?” Sora asked, while playing what he thought was keep away with the Bones. When he raised its spine above his head, the head rolling across the floor bit his shin. “OW. No biting, you cheater!”
He punted the head across the room, and, of course managed to hit an invisible switch, which revealed a door. They both blinked.
“Man,” Riku said, still blinking hard, “even in a different game you’re still the hero.”
“Fourth wall, Riku,” Sora said, and kicked the door open.
--
Kairi was standing at the alter, impatiently waiting for Axel to get back from his journey through his own freaking castle, when the doors swung open. She turned, ready to give her future husband the tongue lashing of a lifetime, but stopped when Sora and Riku stumbled in. Sora was holding someone’s spine in one hand. Riku looked a little tanner.
“He was moping, wasn’t he,” she asked, and Sora nodded. Riku raced over and starting inspecting her for hickies.
“YOU GUYS HAVEN’T HAD SEX YET, RIGHT?”
“Riku,” she deadpanned, “we aren’t even married. I think he got stuck back on Floor 25. He doesn’t have a hammer.”
Riku sagged against her. “I really, really hate this world.”
“Same here,” she grumbled. “But we can’t leave until I get married.”
“Riku can do it!” Sora suggested. Riku did a once over of the whole room, and then Kairi, and started running for the door. Kairi threw her bouquet at him. Sora stuck his foot out and watched his best friend unceremoniously face plant on the carpet.
“If you ever loved me,” Kairi said in her best simpering-damsel voice, “you’ll marry me.”
They all paused. She sighed. “Besides, it’s not like it really counts, anyway. Our priest is a Whomp!”
“Fair enough,” Riku said to the floor, and got up.
--
Meanwhile, on Floor 25.
“FUCKING BLOCKS.”
A blue Chain Chomp fell from the ceiling. Axel stared. Roxas wondered how many Super Shrooms it’d take to forget any of this ever happened.