Living with grief
Williams et al. (2006) describes bereavement as "a women's issue", based on their findings that older women "disproportionately bear the burden of loss." Considering that women in the U.S. live an average of 7 years longer than men, this is not a completely unfounded claim. Stroebe (1998) found that, in people who had lost their spouses, men were more likely than women to develop "excessive detrimental consequences": to put it poetically, to die of a broken heart. William J. Cromie (1998), reporting for the Harvard Gazette suggests that menopause may be the reason that women live longer. Another factor may be that the diseases that women are more prone to tend to be non-fatal; Cromie quotes geriatrician Thomas Perls as saying "while men die from their diseases, women live with them." The mortality gap makes Williams et al's portrayal of bereavement as a women's issue plausible, at least.
But on an individual basis, both men and women must deal with the reality of losing loved ones. Martin and Doka's 1999 book, Men Don't Cry, Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief examines the ways in which men and women cope with loss differently. Although the writers are careful to point out that personality and culture affect the way an individual copes with grief, there do seem to be patterns that tend to be more male or more female (although they can be found in members of either sex, as well as a third "blended" strategy), and these each have their strengths and weaknesses. The female pattern tends to be affective (emotional) whereas men are more likely to deal with grief cognitively or physically (such as by working on a project). The authors prefer the terms "instrumental" and "intuitive" to "masculine" and "feminine" (respectively), because of concerns that people who do not fit their stereotyped roles finding gendered labels threatening. The important thing, according to the author's, is to find the strategies that works best for the individual.
My own experiences with grief have been mercifully few. I've noticed two patterns in my experiences with grief: the fear that one is not grieving "correctly" and increased sex drive. In nearly every bereaved person I've ever met is the concern that they are not experiencing grief "correctly." There seems to be a social model of the way one is supposed to grieve, and even during the grieving process, people seem to worry that they are not appropriately expressing their loss. This is also true of the people around the bereaved. It seems like there is nearly always a sympathy card being passed around my office, followed by hushed, ashamed whispers of "I never know what to write." The increased sex drive is less discussed. Although the people I know who admit to it usually seem to feel slightly ashamed, the need for comfort and affirmation in a time of loss seems very common, although I have not had an opportunity to ask anyone who has lost a partner about this. It also makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint to have a drive to breed in the face of death. Unfortunately, so far I have found no literature to either confirm or deny this theory, apart from some speculative evolutionary psychology.
But on an individual basis, both men and women must deal with the reality of losing loved ones. Martin and Doka's 1999 book, Men Don't Cry, Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief examines the ways in which men and women cope with loss differently. Although the writers are careful to point out that personality and culture affect the way an individual copes with grief, there do seem to be patterns that tend to be more male or more female (although they can be found in members of either sex, as well as a third "blended" strategy), and these each have their strengths and weaknesses. The female pattern tends to be affective (emotional) whereas men are more likely to deal with grief cognitively or physically (such as by working on a project). The authors prefer the terms "instrumental" and "intuitive" to "masculine" and "feminine" (respectively), because of concerns that people who do not fit their stereotyped roles finding gendered labels threatening. The important thing, according to the author's, is to find the strategies that works best for the individual.
My own experiences with grief have been mercifully few. I've noticed two patterns in my experiences with grief: the fear that one is not grieving "correctly" and increased sex drive. In nearly every bereaved person I've ever met is the concern that they are not experiencing grief "correctly." There seems to be a social model of the way one is supposed to grieve, and even during the grieving process, people seem to worry that they are not appropriately expressing their loss. This is also true of the people around the bereaved. It seems like there is nearly always a sympathy card being passed around my office, followed by hushed, ashamed whispers of "I never know what to write." The increased sex drive is less discussed. Although the people I know who admit to it usually seem to feel slightly ashamed, the need for comfort and affirmation in a time of loss seems very common, although I have not had an opportunity to ask anyone who has lost a partner about this. It also makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint to have a drive to breed in the face of death. Unfortunately, so far I have found no literature to either confirm or deny this theory, apart from some speculative evolutionary psychology.