The Truth Is Hard To Swallow [End]
Title: The Truth Is Hard To Swallow [Thirty-One]
Author: detourtoyou
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: Jack/Alex
POV: 3rd
Summary: Of course the one time he decided to act his age, Alex would end up messing even that up. But in his defense, it was hard to act his age when he was faced with things so entirely beyond his age and maturity level, like a one-night decision that decided to follow him into the rest of his life.
Warning: Mpreg
Disclaimer: This is sadly false and a complete lie created by my mind. Title taken from Toxic Valentine by All Time Low.
Dedication: For an amazing person whom I love dearly with all my heart, Mike damnedifidoyah <3 I miss you so much, and look bb, I finally finished! So now it's your turn to come back, okay? :3
A/N: I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who's read, commented on, and supported me. I don't think I could've finished this without you guys, so thank you ♥ I really hope you enjoyed this as much as I did writing it (well, for the most part lolol), and even though this part is still really rough and I'm uncertain about it, here it is, six months later: the end \o/
“Mom,” Alex whined, rolling his eyes overdramatically as his mom snapped another photo, flash on and stinging his eyes with multicolored dots.
“Sorry, sorry. I couldn’t help it. Both of you just look so handsome in your tuxedos. How can I not take pictures?” she asked with a girlish giggle that made Alex smile more than he should have when feigning pouting. It had been so long since he had seen his mother so excited; it felt good to know that he was finally doing something that wouldn’t ruin her with tears and heartbreak but just the opposite. Alex sorely hoped that it was going to stay that way too.
Setting down the camera, his mom pulled him into a tight hug, arms wrapping around his body and fitting. It was still a marvel to Alex that he could fit against people’s bodies now, mold into their curves and arms instead of reaching around at awkward angles and bumping with worry. She squeezed him tight, saying a motherly, “Now you have fun tonight, all right? Don’t worry your head over anything; just go and have fun.”
Alex nodded, letting her kiss his temple before pulling back with watery eyes. It was funny how even after all he had been through, going to prom was still something that could make his mother cry. She wiped at her eyes.
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Gaskarth. I promise I won’t let anything happen to him, and I’ll have him back home before curfew,” joked Jack, coming up to take his place beside Alex. He wound a careful arm around Alex’s waist, pulling him in until their hips bumped.
Pinning a stern look on him, she said protectively, only half-joking, “You better.” Jack laughed and squeezed Alex’s hip with gentle fingers. It shouldn’t have been so easy, but it was, oh how it was, and Alex smiled, undersized but full against his lips. “Oh, you boys better go before you’re late. Now, don’t worry about a thing. Just don’t come home too late, okay? And no drugs or drinking!”
Jack answered with a firm, “Yes ma’am!” for the both of them, ushering Alex out the door with a careful hand placed on the small of his back and to his car. Normally, Alex resented being treated like a girl in their not-quite-a-relationship - he had gotten enough of that while he had been pregnant, constantly reminded that since he was the one with child, he was the girl - but when Jack opened the door for him, gesturing like a butler, he couldn’t help but go along with it, attempting to hide a grin as he climbed in. The ride was comfortable, filled with mindless chatter and predications on how tacky the decorations would be considering the underwater theme the school had chosen. It felt natural, like Alex’s spot had always been in that empty space beside Jack that wasn’t quite next to him but was close enough for either of them.
“Alex!” Zack was the first to find them, gathering Alex in a manly embrace, and after a moment’s of hesitation, one that had Alex holding his breath, greeting Jack without any resentment tinting his voice or his visage. “Good to see you too, Jack. I had a feeling that the two of you would end up going together. Called it! I’m totally a psychic, y’know?”
“Psychic my ass,” Alex snorted, and the comment earned him a friendly slap on the shoulder blade, a kind of pat. The knowledge that all the hard feelings between his best friend and his not-quite-boyfriend had evaporated with the birth of the baby was a refreshing wave of relief sloshing against his mind.
“It was a bitch to ask him out, but I guess it was maybe worth it,” said Jack with a shrug, feigning nonchalance. “You know, Alex. He’s kind of a princess.” Alex rolled his eye and shoved at his shoulder half-heartedly while Zack just nodded with understanding, looking fairly solemn.
“I know what you’re talking about,” Zack even added, and it earned him a punch to the shoulder as well. Feigning hurt, Zack clutched exaggeratedly at his arm before giving in to a wide smile. He straightened up, glancing between the two of them before saying, “I have to admit though. I’m glad the two of you got your shit together. It’s good to see you two together, happy for once instead of fighting or bitching or moping or doing something else to hurt each other.”
The admission warmed Alex’s stomach, slowly crawling its way up his chest and through his veins.
“Even if I have an intense urge to still punch you sometimes.” The tacked on truth had Alex giggling, eyes cut sideways to catch the nervous look licking Jack’s face as he inconspicuously took half a step to the right and back.
Even with the threat, however, the feeling must have sparked itself to life in Jack as well, the teen nodding with a smile that spoke for both of them. “Thanks. I mean, I know I definitely deserve to be punched at least a million times for being such an asshole to Alex and the baby and just everyone, but…” Jack peered over at Alex, smile crooked as colorful lights and shadows edged out the rest of his face. “I’m pretty glad I finally pulled my head out of my ass and got my shit together too.”
Zack nodded along to his words. “About damn time. You two better not mess it up this time.” Turning specifically to Jack, he spoke with purpose, voice hard underneath the threat, “I swear, Jack. This time, if you do anything to make Alex cry, even if you look at him funny, I will fuck you up without a second thought.”
“Zack, seriously! You really gotta stop trying to protect my virtue or something. I’m not a girl,” Alex complained, hoping fervently that Jack would just take it as a joke. Regardless of how deadly serious Zack looked.
But Jack shook his head, saying evenly to match Zack’s certain promise with his own, “I promise I won’t.”
The two of them shared a hard look, neither budging.
“You better not, Barakat,” warned Zack. “And no funny business tonight either! I gotta look after Alex’s virtue and all.” This time, however, the smile had replaced itself on his face, the joking undertone audible even through the loud music and allowing Alex to release the breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding. Until he realized just what Zack had said.
“What? Hey!” With a laughing smirk and a wave, Zack disappeared into the crowd, losing himself from their sights.
Jack turned to Alex, solemn. “Zack still scares the fucking shit out of me. Remind me to never do anything to piss him off. Like harm your virtue.”
With a roll of his eyes, Alex was half-tempted to shove Jack into the painted undersea gazebo. Instead, he grinned to himself, saying with a casual shrug, “Just remember that as long as I’m happy, Zack’s happy, and you’ll still have your dick attached and functional.”
The reaction was instantaneous, Jack shuddering as a chill of fear ran down his spine. “Not fair.”
Alex laughed, patting Jack’s shoulder reassuringly. He wouldn’t actually let Zack hurt Jack - hey, he could protect his own damn virtue, thank you very much - but it was fun watching the other teen squirm at the thought of it.
“Found them!”
Loud declaration startling the pair, both teens stared at each other before following the general direction of the voice, confusion blotting their faces.
“Kyle?” Alex croaked out, incredulity scraping at his throat as his eyes blew wide. He choked on the last bits of his laughter.
The platinum blonde let his eyes rove between Alex and Jack, and then out of nowhere, he grinned widely, exploding with a hearty, “Well fucking congrats! I knew the two of you would get together!”
A reddening blush flared against his cheeks, leaving Alex to duck his head slightly, grateful for the darkened lights. He could hear Jack chuckle next to him, the same sort of embarrassment that was painting itself into Alex’s face engraving itself into Jack’s voice.
“Uh, yeah. Thanks.”
Before any of them could keep going down this road, Alex quickly piped up, asking, “So what are you guys doing here? I mean, how did you even get in?”
Grinning, Kyle looped his arms around both Rian’s and Jonathan’s shoulders, saying with a waggle of his brows, “What’s it look like? We got bored and decided to crash your prom! And getting in was no sweat. We just had to sneak in and be all super ninja-like. You know, the usual.”
“Yeah, if you by sneak in, you mean Zack had to open the door and get us all in,” clarified Rian with a snort. He was rewarded with a view of the blonde’s tongue.
“Well whatever. We still snuck in so it still counts,” exclaimed Kyle, still triumphant. Eyes glazing over the decorated gym, he grinned at the sight of the snack table where Zack was currently chatting with a pretty girl. The grin took a devious turn, and without warning, he slipped off. Rian and Jonathan groaned simultaneously, heads shaking as they went after.
Alex had a sneaky feeling that Kyle might have possibly planned that too though, so that he and Jack would be left alone. Still, he appreciated the gesture, even if causing mayhem was far more fun than dry humping in a mass of sweaty bodies. Turning his attention back over, his eyes narrowed, pupils dilating to adjust to the darkness. It was almost as though the surprises were on repeat this night.
“Caleb.” The name was slow to leave his lips, caught between a breath and a soft gasp. Alex could see Jack’s face tightening out of the corner of his eyes.
Looking so incredibly out of place, it seemed painful, the redhead hesitated before shuffling over to them, hands in his pockets and eyes glued to the waxed floor. He muttered in greeting, voice so low, Alex had to strain his ears just to catch the ending syllables. Still, he didn’t let any of it get to him, responding back with as much surprise stuffed down and away, “Hey, Caleb. Joined everyone in crashing our prom?”
“Kyle dragged me,” he explained pithily, eyes flickering over longingly to where the rest of the group was, chatting and laughing over a stupid comment Rian had made.
“Doesn’t mean you had to come,” Jack said curtly in response, snorting with contempt.
Alex shoved his elbow into his ribs, glaring with narrowed eyes. “Don’t be such a jerk, Jack,” he spoke with warning rising the vowels of his words. “It’s prom; don’t try to pick a fight.”
Grumbling protests under his breath, Jack crossed his arms with a noise of irritation, huffy but keeping any more snide comments to himself for which Alex was grateful for. Alex could understand the bad blood between Jack and Caleb; it had been brewing since the very beginning, but now that everything had come to an end, Alex, for one, just wanted to forget about all that had happened between them, good or bad, and potentially go back to being friends. All the nasty memories aside, Caleb had been a good friend, and while he didn’t have to forgive Alex after what he had done, Alex wanted Jack and Caleb to mend their friendship in the very least. He hated knowing that he had been the chasm between their standing as friends.
“No, he’s right. I only came to see you, actually,” admitted Caleb harmlessly.
Alex frowned marginally just as Jack took a threatening step forward, speaking in a half-yell, “What the fuck? What are you still trying to pull?”
“Jack.”
“No. I’m not backing the fuck off this time. Not when he just admits to shit like that. He’s here to see you specifically, Alex. What part of that isn’t fucked up with the way things were going between the two of you,” argued Jack, eyes flickering from him back to the redhead who spared no words.
Tugging sharply at his shoulder, Alex glared sternly, brows pinched together and mouth drawn into a straight line.
“Things were going fine between us. I was just the one who messed things up. So don’t talk about what you don’t know,” Alex snapped. “You weren’t even there half the time anyway, so what would you know?”
His words yanked Jack back from his own simmering anger, guilt threading through his eyes as he broke his gaze away to stare at the balloons tied to the snack table. He took a visible step away from Alex, saying a quiet, “You’re right.”
Regretting the momentary loss of temper, Alex’s eyes softened, more than slightly horrified at himself. He didn’t realize that he was still capable of saying such cruel things, especially when he was the one who was constantly calling to let all the jagged, thorny rough patches between them smooth over. Alex took a step towards Jack just as he took another back, keeping the distance between them. And even though it couldn’t have been more than a foot or two of distance spacing them apart, Alex could feel the lead in his chest weighing him down already. Since the birth of the baby, Jack had been with him constantly. Excluding the moments when one or the other was showering or gone to the bathroom, the distance between them had been practically negligible. Always by his side and within touching distance. It unsettled his chest, a low flicking hum of unease, warm under his skin and unwanted.
“Jack,” he pleaded, voice dwindling on the vowels.
Jack did not even look at him, saying instead, “I’m gonna go over with the rest of them.” He turned tail and strode away before Alex could even work up enough volume in his voice to protest again.
“Sorry.” The unexpected comment caught Alex’s trailing attention, swiveling back to Caleb who looked honestly apologetic. “I didn’t mean to make you guys fight or something.”
Head knocking side to side, Alex spoke, itching to turn back around and close the distance between him and Jack but restraining himself, “You didn’t. We’re still not really…”
“Anyway, I just came to see you, and then I was going to leave.”
“See me? What for? I mean, not that I don’t want to see you or anything, but the last time we saw each other…” Alex let the sentence trail off into an early grave, hoping he wouldn’t have to finish off the thought.
“It’s about that. Sort of.” Caleb huffed a small sigh, uncomfortable. “I just wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have told Jack about being the dad, and I shouldn’t have been so fucking rude to you either. I mean, it’s sort of my fault too, anyway. I kind of always knew that you didn’t like me as much as I liked you,” he divulged.
Shame circling his cheeks, Alex was quick to apologize.
“I’m really sorry about that, Caleb. I didn’t mean to hurt you -”
The redhead cut him off with a shrug. “Don’t worry about it, Alex. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little sore about it, but like I said, I kind of always knew that you liked Jack when we were together. I should’ve ended it, but I just liked you too much to do that.” He hesitated to take in a breath, like a smoker inhaling the first burn of nicotine. “I just wanted to make sure that there are no hard feelings between us and that we could maybe even be friends. Again?”
Alex knew he had been right every time he had told himself that he didn’t deserve a guy like Caleb.
“Re-really?” he choked out, surprise slipping the word from his throat. “Not that I don’t want to! I’d love to be friends! I just thought that after what I did -”
“Alex.” He snapped his mouth shut, focusing on Caleb so as not to miss a word. “I’m serious when I say don’t worry about it. It’s all past, anyway, and to be truthful, I’m happy for you guys. I know it’s kind of hard to believe, but I am.” Caleb rubbed the back of his neck as though mildly embarrassed. “You and Jack just fit together, in the way that you guys are supposed to, and seeing you guys now, I never really had a chance,” he said with a lopsided smile. The first one of the night.
“I…” Swallowing the lump, Alex lifted his own lips into a smile, genuine without any guilt or shame. “Thanks, Caleb.”
Caleb just gave a nod, and for a few seconds, they simply stood there with smiles lighting their faces. And there was something so reliving about the moment, Alex could help the giggle that escaped from his chest, warm and bubbling. Feeling contagious, Caleb broke into snickers, and before either of them could fathom the relief of finally burying the sticks and stones, they exploded with mindless laughter that had nearby couples gawking at them in confusion.
“Well, I should get going,” Caleb remarked with a small snort of laughter, once they could control their breaths.
“You don’t have to, you know.”
“Yeah, but,” and here, Caleb glanced over at their group, still claiming their niche by the snack table, “I have a feeling that Jack will probably throw a tantrum like a five year old and be all sulky for the rest of the night if I stay.”
“So true.” Alex laughed.
Straightening himself out, Caleb gave a small, uncertain wave. “Well, have a good time together, yeah?”
“Yeah.” The decision was made in a split second, and not even bothering to look around, Alex pulled Caleb into a quick hug before he could escape, lasting only seconds before releasing him with a sheepish smile. “Thanks, Caleb. For everything.”
Patting his shoulder, Caleb gave one last smile before turning back and dodging his way through the dancing couples, leaving Alex to himself.
He watched him go, until there were too many tux-clad and frilly dress-wearing teenagers blocking his view. With a small smile hidden under the flashing blue colored lights, Alex set out to find Jack, determined to salvage this evening. The only difficulty in locating the other was navigating through the crowds, but once Alex managed to emerge, mostly unscathed, he found Jack by one of the mermaid decorations, alone.
“Hey.”
Jack glanced up, mouth pulling into a sideways frown. “Hey,” he responded, evenly. He didn’t look too upset, face carefully blank and casual enough to feign indifference. Alex figured he owed Jack an apology and explanation either way.
“Caleb left. He just dropped by to clear things between us. He wants us to be friends.”
“Sounds like him,” commented Jack offhandedly.
“Yeah. Yeah it does.” Alex tucked his bottom lip into his mouth, hesitant. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean -” The rest of his words were spoken into the palm of Jack’s hand, pressed against his mouth to keep Alex from speaking.
“Dude. It’s okay. I’m not all butt hurt over it or anything, so stop apologizing,” Jack spoke, eyes rolling. He pulled his hand away, brow raised intently as though just daring Alex to apologize once more. “What you said was true, anyway. I’m not mad or anything. I promise.”
Eyeing him skeptically, Alex opened his mouth before letting it close without a word. Normally, he would press forward and apologize anyway, but tonight was supposed to be special, and well. With all the surprises between now and when they arrived, they hadn’t been able to actually do anything together. Alex didn’t want to muddle another memory; he had come to prom with Jack to spend time with him, ignoring that he had been practically spending every waking moment together, and it was all he wanted to do. No arguing, no jealousy, and no butting friends. Just him and Jack.
“I guess we should probably dance at least once since it is prom,” suggested Jack, mouth quirked into a crooked smile.
He could hear the music, loud and fast, suddenly slowing, along with the entire room and it twisted his nerves, a touch nervous at the thought that Jack was asking him to dance.
“Yeah. I guess we should.”
The first slow dance was awkward under the croon of music from the speakers and from their hands gripping hips, alternating from too tight to too loose. But it was nice. Pleasant, even, and Alex could feel Jack’s breath fanning against his cheek, warm.
“Are you worried?” asked Jack, voice just a soft murmur of vibrations against Alex’s ear.
Teeth sinking into his bottom lip, Alex didn’t even bother trying to smile, replying just as quietly to keep whatever illusion they had fill between them, “Maybe.” He closed his eyes, a habit of his whenever admitting something that had been lodged down his throat and in his chest, caged. “A little.”
“You shouldn’t be,” Jack whispered back, pulling Alex closer now that he could, now that there was no bump to keep them separated and uncomfortable. Alex still wasn’t used to it, mouth opening to tell Jack to be careful. He stopped himself at the last minute, tripping forward instead. There was something strange in being able to be pressed up against someone else, skins molding together and bodies fitting in the most intimate crevices. “He’s in good hands.”
Chuckling humorlessly, Alex nodded. “I know. I know he is. I just can’t help it; I worry about him. Paternal instincts, I guess.”
“You mean maternal, since you were the one who had to give birth and all,” Jack cracked as he just barely missed Alex’s feet, stepping too close and catching just the tips of his shiny black shoes.
“Shut up.”
Lips pressed against the bridge of his nose, startling Alex into opening his eyes to see Jack staring back at him, eyes soft and mouth curved into a smile. His fingers tightened against Alex’s hipbones, one hand slinking to press into the small of his back.
“Don’t worry, Alex.”
“Do you -” Alex stopped, no longer hearing the words to the song, just feeling the beat of the music reverberating through his body. “Do you think this was the right thing?”
They came to a halt, ignoring the swaying couples around them as they danced out the last few notes. Jack leaned forward to brush his lips against Alex’s, a soft touch that lasted for only as long as Alex could take in a breath, and pressed their foreheads together. “It doesn’t matter if it was right or wrong. There’s no such thing, and I know you know that.”
The song faded from the speakers, being replaced with the DJ’s voice that quickly slid into a bouncy pop song that hurt Alex’s ears. He broke away from Jack’s hold, trying to pull his lips up into a reassuring smile before muttering what he hoped was something close to getting a drink. Alex slipped away before Jack could stop him, never mind that this was his school’s prom and he was probably being a completely horrid date by just leaving Jack all by himself. He just wanted to get away from the noise, the thick pulsing of music humming through his body.
It was awful, but Alex sort of wanted to just go home and crawl under his covers to fall asleep. He hated that he had to ruin what was generally stereotyped as the best night of high school, running out of the gym like some drama queen and sitting on the sidewalk just outside.
The time gap between without Jack and with him was hardly noticeable, Jack’s head already sticking out of the door and followed by the rest of his body as he came out, plopping down on the dirty cement next to him. Silence blanketed them, the muffled sounds of prom still ringing in as background noise between them.
“Are you mad?” The question was simple.
“No. I’m not.”
Alex could hear Jack suck in a breath, holding it tight. “Then what is it?”
“I just hate that I’m here,” Alex responded bitterly.
“What? At prom? What’s wrong with prom?” And really, Jack not getting it just burst whatever bubble of calm and collected demeanor Alex had managed to uplift.
“I hate that I’m out here, living my life and getting to be a teenager just by giving up my own child,” Alex shouted with purpose, livid with emotions flashing across his face, coming more than one at a time and sometimes without a proper name. All Alex knew was that it didn’t feel like the right decision, like he made another mistake by giving up their son because neither of them was ready. It wasn’t fair; he just wasn’t sure for who.
Jack flinched back just slightly, still holding his own ground as he pursed his lips, asking firmly, “Do you regret it?”
“Regret what?” Alex asked in return, already fearing his own answer to the simple question.
“Do you regret giving up the baby for adoption?” He was stupid to think that Jack wouldn’t rise to his challenge, wouldn’t ask the damned question in full sentence and complete with emotions-freed from his own voice. It was times like these that made Alex wish he could resent Jack, resent him like he had back at the beginning of the school year. The very thought that he even wished to go back to that harassed relationship between them was sort of hysterically laughable. As though it was a gentle reminder saying that yes, wanting to go back to being pregnant, scared, and caught between just about every bad situation to escape the fear, the settle of normality, and the caring of now was really his life.
“I…” His voice died in his throat. Alex glanced down at his feet, his feet that he could now see without the hideous bump obstructing his view. He felt grossly insignificant and hunched his shoulders in on himself, releasing a soft breath into the air.
“I don’t,” Jack picked up the line of thought after him, fully turned to face Alex. “I don’t regret you deciding to give the baby up for adoption. I don’t hate you for it, and I don’t think you’re a fucking idiot either. Me personally? I don’t think there was a right or wrong decision that you could have made. There was never such a thing. I don’t regret your decision, and it doesn’t make me love you any less.”
It was funny, in a morbid sort of way, how with everything Jack was telling him, Alex could only focus on one small part, almost insignificant with the way it was nearly swallowed whole by the others.
“Wh… what?” he whispered, afraid that perhaps he had misheard.
Jack crooked his brows, seemingly unaware. “Do you?”
And Alex couldn’t decide what Jack was asking him that question to. Squeezing his eyes, he shook his head, forcing himself to focus on the matter at hand. There was no possible way Jack could have said or even hinted that he loved Alex when he did not even seem to aware of it himself. It was a mistake.
“Sometimes,” he confessed, feeling all the energy and anger sap out of him with the single word. He just felt tired now more than regretful or angry or even sad. “Sometimes, I just wonder what it would’ve been like if we had just kept him and raised him on our own. But, like, I know it wouldn’t have worked out. That we couldn’t have been the best, the happiest family for him, but it still… it still hurts.” Alex shook his head, trying to collect the swarm of thoughts that had been buzzing in his mind for the past weeks since the birth. “I wish I had at least seen him. But I was so afraid that if I saw him and held him, I wouldn’t have been able to give him up for adoption. He doesn’t deserve the life he would have with us.”
“So. Would you take it back?” Jack asked evenly. It felt ridiculous, surreal in the least, to be literally standing outside in the night and under dirty streetlamps instead of being inside prom, celebrating the best night of their high school lives and simply being the teenagers they were. Alex wondered just where down the line in his life had meaningful nighttime talks about their lives and futures in tuxedoes right outside of prom become his norm. He felt like everything had been moving in fastforwarded motions, forcing him to grow up too fast without any warning and without any instructions on how he was supposed to go about being an adult.
It was what prompted him into answering, saying a quiet and barely there but genuine, “No. I wouldn’t.” He shifted on his feet, sluggish. “I wouldn’t take it back. It…” Alex fumbled around for the right words, knowing the feeling shot into his veins but unable to express it. “It just wasn’t our time. It wasn’t meant to be, and really. I don’t think he was meant to be ours either. Not this time, at least.”
And it was how he really felt, because as much as he loved him, Alex knew that the baby just wasn’t meant to be theirs. Not this time.
Maybe it was paternal instincts, something every parent knew, but Alex was almost sure of it. Giving up the baby had been singlehandedly the most painful decision of his life, and he knew that while it had been done for the baby’s life, he would regret it for every single day of his life, more on some days than others. But it felt like the right thing to do; something inside of him told him it was the right thing to do. The baby wasn’t meant to theirs.
Jack nodded unsurely, not quite understanding to the full depth of Alex’s words but feeling the need to do something so as not to be left completely out of the loop. It would be difficult for Jack to understand; Alex knew that much. He had been attached to the baby, twenty-four, seven, whereas Jack vehemently denied everything about it until the very end. Jack couldn’t feel that pull like Alex had. Besides, in a very grotesque and inappropriate way, it had been a sort of choice between the baby and every relationship he had ever forged with anyone, emphasized heavily on Jack.
Fingers touching the flesh of his cheek, Alex lifted his eyes to see Jack still staring back at him. He could feel the heat from where the tips of his fingers gently poked against his skin like pinpoints of white heat. With gentle pressure, Jack nudged Alex towards him, mouths coming together in a kiss. Hand coming up to curl around the back of Jack’s neck, Alex pressed back, lips parting as Jack’s tongue eased through. It was slow, mouths soft with each mold and heavy with a gentle intensity that sparked through Alex’s body, bursting against the nerve ends of his skin. He couldn’t breathe, and the heavy feeling trapped in his chest had never felt more reassuring than it did now.
When they parted, eyes still dazed with leftovers of their kiss spilling through, Jack pushed their foreheads together again, fingers trailing Alex’s cheek and occasionally nudging their lips together again for small, short kisses.
“We don’t have to go back if you don’t want,” offered Jack, still unmoving and crowding Alex’s personal space. He didn’t mind though, not when he could tilt his head just to the right a little to kiss Jack’s lips.
“No, we should. I didn’t really mean it when I said I didn’t want to be here,” Alex clarified in a small whisper. “Before that though…” He trailed off, trying to find the right words while pushing down the persistent flush of heat curling under his skin even though he was certain it was all in vain. Jack could probably count each and every one of his eyelashes if he wanted, they were so close. “Earlier, when you were saying how you didn’t regret me giving up the baby.”
When he found himself unable to continue, Jack prodded him with another open-mouthed kiss. “Yeah?”
“You said…” Jack’s brows pulled up higher, and in that very moment, Alex felt silly, amusement plucking his strings at the thought of what he was attempting to do. Just as he was certain that Jack knew, Alex was pretty certain that he knew he had heard Jack correctly and that even if spoken seemingly offhandedly and unaware, it didn’t do anything to unravel the feeling nestling in the pit of his stomach, warm and bright with hope. “Never mind. Let’s go back in.”
With hesitant fingers curling around his own, Alex briefly let his gaze dance, catching sight of the nervous half-smile tilting Jack’s lips. He didn’t tighten his fingers, leaving them threaded loosely between Alex’s, and from this close, Alex could see the swell of his chest from the breath he was keeping trapped there. Lips spilling into a smile, he curled his fingers around Jack’s, tight and worth something he couldn’t, didn’t have the courage just yet to say out loud. Not this time, but maybe he would one day.
end.
Author: detourtoyou
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: Jack/Alex
POV: 3rd
Summary: Of course the one time he decided to act his age, Alex would end up messing even that up. But in his defense, it was hard to act his age when he was faced with things so entirely beyond his age and maturity level, like a one-night decision that decided to follow him into the rest of his life.
Warning: Mpreg
Disclaimer: This is sadly false and a complete lie created by my mind. Title taken from Toxic Valentine by All Time Low.
Dedication: For an amazing person whom I love dearly with all my heart, Mike damnedifidoyah <3 I miss you so much, and look bb, I finally finished! So now it's your turn to come back, okay? :3
A/N: I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who's read, commented on, and supported me. I don't think I could've finished this without you guys, so thank you ♥ I really hope you enjoyed this as much as I did writing it (well, for the most part lolol), and even though this part is still really rough and I'm uncertain about it, here it is, six months later: the end \o/
“Mom,” Alex whined, rolling his eyes overdramatically as his mom snapped another photo, flash on and stinging his eyes with multicolored dots.
“Sorry, sorry. I couldn’t help it. Both of you just look so handsome in your tuxedos. How can I not take pictures?” she asked with a girlish giggle that made Alex smile more than he should have when feigning pouting. It had been so long since he had seen his mother so excited; it felt good to know that he was finally doing something that wouldn’t ruin her with tears and heartbreak but just the opposite. Alex sorely hoped that it was going to stay that way too.
Setting down the camera, his mom pulled him into a tight hug, arms wrapping around his body and fitting. It was still a marvel to Alex that he could fit against people’s bodies now, mold into their curves and arms instead of reaching around at awkward angles and bumping with worry. She squeezed him tight, saying a motherly, “Now you have fun tonight, all right? Don’t worry your head over anything; just go and have fun.”
Alex nodded, letting her kiss his temple before pulling back with watery eyes. It was funny how even after all he had been through, going to prom was still something that could make his mother cry. She wiped at her eyes.
“Don’t worry, Mrs. Gaskarth. I promise I won’t let anything happen to him, and I’ll have him back home before curfew,” joked Jack, coming up to take his place beside Alex. He wound a careful arm around Alex’s waist, pulling him in until their hips bumped.
Pinning a stern look on him, she said protectively, only half-joking, “You better.” Jack laughed and squeezed Alex’s hip with gentle fingers. It shouldn’t have been so easy, but it was, oh how it was, and Alex smiled, undersized but full against his lips. “Oh, you boys better go before you’re late. Now, don’t worry about a thing. Just don’t come home too late, okay? And no drugs or drinking!”
Jack answered with a firm, “Yes ma’am!” for the both of them, ushering Alex out the door with a careful hand placed on the small of his back and to his car. Normally, Alex resented being treated like a girl in their not-quite-a-relationship - he had gotten enough of that while he had been pregnant, constantly reminded that since he was the one with child, he was the girl - but when Jack opened the door for him, gesturing like a butler, he couldn’t help but go along with it, attempting to hide a grin as he climbed in. The ride was comfortable, filled with mindless chatter and predications on how tacky the decorations would be considering the underwater theme the school had chosen. It felt natural, like Alex’s spot had always been in that empty space beside Jack that wasn’t quite next to him but was close enough for either of them.
“Alex!” Zack was the first to find them, gathering Alex in a manly embrace, and after a moment’s of hesitation, one that had Alex holding his breath, greeting Jack without any resentment tinting his voice or his visage. “Good to see you too, Jack. I had a feeling that the two of you would end up going together. Called it! I’m totally a psychic, y’know?”
“Psychic my ass,” Alex snorted, and the comment earned him a friendly slap on the shoulder blade, a kind of pat. The knowledge that all the hard feelings between his best friend and his not-quite-boyfriend had evaporated with the birth of the baby was a refreshing wave of relief sloshing against his mind.
“It was a bitch to ask him out, but I guess it was maybe worth it,” said Jack with a shrug, feigning nonchalance. “You know, Alex. He’s kind of a princess.” Alex rolled his eye and shoved at his shoulder half-heartedly while Zack just nodded with understanding, looking fairly solemn.
“I know what you’re talking about,” Zack even added, and it earned him a punch to the shoulder as well. Feigning hurt, Zack clutched exaggeratedly at his arm before giving in to a wide smile. He straightened up, glancing between the two of them before saying, “I have to admit though. I’m glad the two of you got your shit together. It’s good to see you two together, happy for once instead of fighting or bitching or moping or doing something else to hurt each other.”
The admission warmed Alex’s stomach, slowly crawling its way up his chest and through his veins.
“Even if I have an intense urge to still punch you sometimes.” The tacked on truth had Alex giggling, eyes cut sideways to catch the nervous look licking Jack’s face as he inconspicuously took half a step to the right and back.
Even with the threat, however, the feeling must have sparked itself to life in Jack as well, the teen nodding with a smile that spoke for both of them. “Thanks. I mean, I know I definitely deserve to be punched at least a million times for being such an asshole to Alex and the baby and just everyone, but…” Jack peered over at Alex, smile crooked as colorful lights and shadows edged out the rest of his face. “I’m pretty glad I finally pulled my head out of my ass and got my shit together too.”
Zack nodded along to his words. “About damn time. You two better not mess it up this time.” Turning specifically to Jack, he spoke with purpose, voice hard underneath the threat, “I swear, Jack. This time, if you do anything to make Alex cry, even if you look at him funny, I will fuck you up without a second thought.”
“Zack, seriously! You really gotta stop trying to protect my virtue or something. I’m not a girl,” Alex complained, hoping fervently that Jack would just take it as a joke. Regardless of how deadly serious Zack looked.
But Jack shook his head, saying evenly to match Zack’s certain promise with his own, “I promise I won’t.”
The two of them shared a hard look, neither budging.
“You better not, Barakat,” warned Zack. “And no funny business tonight either! I gotta look after Alex’s virtue and all.” This time, however, the smile had replaced itself on his face, the joking undertone audible even through the loud music and allowing Alex to release the breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding. Until he realized just what Zack had said.
“What? Hey!” With a laughing smirk and a wave, Zack disappeared into the crowd, losing himself from their sights.
Jack turned to Alex, solemn. “Zack still scares the fucking shit out of me. Remind me to never do anything to piss him off. Like harm your virtue.”
With a roll of his eyes, Alex was half-tempted to shove Jack into the painted undersea gazebo. Instead, he grinned to himself, saying with a casual shrug, “Just remember that as long as I’m happy, Zack’s happy, and you’ll still have your dick attached and functional.”
The reaction was instantaneous, Jack shuddering as a chill of fear ran down his spine. “Not fair.”
Alex laughed, patting Jack’s shoulder reassuringly. He wouldn’t actually let Zack hurt Jack - hey, he could protect his own damn virtue, thank you very much - but it was fun watching the other teen squirm at the thought of it.
“Found them!”
Loud declaration startling the pair, both teens stared at each other before following the general direction of the voice, confusion blotting their faces.
“Kyle?” Alex croaked out, incredulity scraping at his throat as his eyes blew wide. He choked on the last bits of his laughter.
The platinum blonde let his eyes rove between Alex and Jack, and then out of nowhere, he grinned widely, exploding with a hearty, “Well fucking congrats! I knew the two of you would get together!”
A reddening blush flared against his cheeks, leaving Alex to duck his head slightly, grateful for the darkened lights. He could hear Jack chuckle next to him, the same sort of embarrassment that was painting itself into Alex’s face engraving itself into Jack’s voice.
“Uh, yeah. Thanks.”
Before any of them could keep going down this road, Alex quickly piped up, asking, “So what are you guys doing here? I mean, how did you even get in?”
Grinning, Kyle looped his arms around both Rian’s and Jonathan’s shoulders, saying with a waggle of his brows, “What’s it look like? We got bored and decided to crash your prom! And getting in was no sweat. We just had to sneak in and be all super ninja-like. You know, the usual.”
“Yeah, if you by sneak in, you mean Zack had to open the door and get us all in,” clarified Rian with a snort. He was rewarded with a view of the blonde’s tongue.
“Well whatever. We still snuck in so it still counts,” exclaimed Kyle, still triumphant. Eyes glazing over the decorated gym, he grinned at the sight of the snack table where Zack was currently chatting with a pretty girl. The grin took a devious turn, and without warning, he slipped off. Rian and Jonathan groaned simultaneously, heads shaking as they went after.
Alex had a sneaky feeling that Kyle might have possibly planned that too though, so that he and Jack would be left alone. Still, he appreciated the gesture, even if causing mayhem was far more fun than dry humping in a mass of sweaty bodies. Turning his attention back over, his eyes narrowed, pupils dilating to adjust to the darkness. It was almost as though the surprises were on repeat this night.
“Caleb.” The name was slow to leave his lips, caught between a breath and a soft gasp. Alex could see Jack’s face tightening out of the corner of his eyes.
Looking so incredibly out of place, it seemed painful, the redhead hesitated before shuffling over to them, hands in his pockets and eyes glued to the waxed floor. He muttered in greeting, voice so low, Alex had to strain his ears just to catch the ending syllables. Still, he didn’t let any of it get to him, responding back with as much surprise stuffed down and away, “Hey, Caleb. Joined everyone in crashing our prom?”
“Kyle dragged me,” he explained pithily, eyes flickering over longingly to where the rest of the group was, chatting and laughing over a stupid comment Rian had made.
“Doesn’t mean you had to come,” Jack said curtly in response, snorting with contempt.
Alex shoved his elbow into his ribs, glaring with narrowed eyes. “Don’t be such a jerk, Jack,” he spoke with warning rising the vowels of his words. “It’s prom; don’t try to pick a fight.”
Grumbling protests under his breath, Jack crossed his arms with a noise of irritation, huffy but keeping any more snide comments to himself for which Alex was grateful for. Alex could understand the bad blood between Jack and Caleb; it had been brewing since the very beginning, but now that everything had come to an end, Alex, for one, just wanted to forget about all that had happened between them, good or bad, and potentially go back to being friends. All the nasty memories aside, Caleb had been a good friend, and while he didn’t have to forgive Alex after what he had done, Alex wanted Jack and Caleb to mend their friendship in the very least. He hated knowing that he had been the chasm between their standing as friends.
“No, he’s right. I only came to see you, actually,” admitted Caleb harmlessly.
Alex frowned marginally just as Jack took a threatening step forward, speaking in a half-yell, “What the fuck? What are you still trying to pull?”
“Jack.”
“No. I’m not backing the fuck off this time. Not when he just admits to shit like that. He’s here to see you specifically, Alex. What part of that isn’t fucked up with the way things were going between the two of you,” argued Jack, eyes flickering from him back to the redhead who spared no words.
Tugging sharply at his shoulder, Alex glared sternly, brows pinched together and mouth drawn into a straight line.
“Things were going fine between us. I was just the one who messed things up. So don’t talk about what you don’t know,” Alex snapped. “You weren’t even there half the time anyway, so what would you know?”
His words yanked Jack back from his own simmering anger, guilt threading through his eyes as he broke his gaze away to stare at the balloons tied to the snack table. He took a visible step away from Alex, saying a quiet, “You’re right.”
Regretting the momentary loss of temper, Alex’s eyes softened, more than slightly horrified at himself. He didn’t realize that he was still capable of saying such cruel things, especially when he was the one who was constantly calling to let all the jagged, thorny rough patches between them smooth over. Alex took a step towards Jack just as he took another back, keeping the distance between them. And even though it couldn’t have been more than a foot or two of distance spacing them apart, Alex could feel the lead in his chest weighing him down already. Since the birth of the baby, Jack had been with him constantly. Excluding the moments when one or the other was showering or gone to the bathroom, the distance between them had been practically negligible. Always by his side and within touching distance. It unsettled his chest, a low flicking hum of unease, warm under his skin and unwanted.
“Jack,” he pleaded, voice dwindling on the vowels.
Jack did not even look at him, saying instead, “I’m gonna go over with the rest of them.” He turned tail and strode away before Alex could even work up enough volume in his voice to protest again.
“Sorry.” The unexpected comment caught Alex’s trailing attention, swiveling back to Caleb who looked honestly apologetic. “I didn’t mean to make you guys fight or something.”
Head knocking side to side, Alex spoke, itching to turn back around and close the distance between him and Jack but restraining himself, “You didn’t. We’re still not really…”
“Anyway, I just came to see you, and then I was going to leave.”
“See me? What for? I mean, not that I don’t want to see you or anything, but the last time we saw each other…” Alex let the sentence trail off into an early grave, hoping he wouldn’t have to finish off the thought.
“It’s about that. Sort of.” Caleb huffed a small sigh, uncomfortable. “I just wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have told Jack about being the dad, and I shouldn’t have been so fucking rude to you either. I mean, it’s sort of my fault too, anyway. I kind of always knew that you didn’t like me as much as I liked you,” he divulged.
Shame circling his cheeks, Alex was quick to apologize.
“I’m really sorry about that, Caleb. I didn’t mean to hurt you -”
The redhead cut him off with a shrug. “Don’t worry about it, Alex. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little sore about it, but like I said, I kind of always knew that you liked Jack when we were together. I should’ve ended it, but I just liked you too much to do that.” He hesitated to take in a breath, like a smoker inhaling the first burn of nicotine. “I just wanted to make sure that there are no hard feelings between us and that we could maybe even be friends. Again?”
Alex knew he had been right every time he had told himself that he didn’t deserve a guy like Caleb.
“Re-really?” he choked out, surprise slipping the word from his throat. “Not that I don’t want to! I’d love to be friends! I just thought that after what I did -”
“Alex.” He snapped his mouth shut, focusing on Caleb so as not to miss a word. “I’m serious when I say don’t worry about it. It’s all past, anyway, and to be truthful, I’m happy for you guys. I know it’s kind of hard to believe, but I am.” Caleb rubbed the back of his neck as though mildly embarrassed. “You and Jack just fit together, in the way that you guys are supposed to, and seeing you guys now, I never really had a chance,” he said with a lopsided smile. The first one of the night.
“I…” Swallowing the lump, Alex lifted his own lips into a smile, genuine without any guilt or shame. “Thanks, Caleb.”
Caleb just gave a nod, and for a few seconds, they simply stood there with smiles lighting their faces. And there was something so reliving about the moment, Alex could help the giggle that escaped from his chest, warm and bubbling. Feeling contagious, Caleb broke into snickers, and before either of them could fathom the relief of finally burying the sticks and stones, they exploded with mindless laughter that had nearby couples gawking at them in confusion.
“Well, I should get going,” Caleb remarked with a small snort of laughter, once they could control their breaths.
“You don’t have to, you know.”
“Yeah, but,” and here, Caleb glanced over at their group, still claiming their niche by the snack table, “I have a feeling that Jack will probably throw a tantrum like a five year old and be all sulky for the rest of the night if I stay.”
“So true.” Alex laughed.
Straightening himself out, Caleb gave a small, uncertain wave. “Well, have a good time together, yeah?”
“Yeah.” The decision was made in a split second, and not even bothering to look around, Alex pulled Caleb into a quick hug before he could escape, lasting only seconds before releasing him with a sheepish smile. “Thanks, Caleb. For everything.”
Patting his shoulder, Caleb gave one last smile before turning back and dodging his way through the dancing couples, leaving Alex to himself.
He watched him go, until there were too many tux-clad and frilly dress-wearing teenagers blocking his view. With a small smile hidden under the flashing blue colored lights, Alex set out to find Jack, determined to salvage this evening. The only difficulty in locating the other was navigating through the crowds, but once Alex managed to emerge, mostly unscathed, he found Jack by one of the mermaid decorations, alone.
“Hey.”
Jack glanced up, mouth pulling into a sideways frown. “Hey,” he responded, evenly. He didn’t look too upset, face carefully blank and casual enough to feign indifference. Alex figured he owed Jack an apology and explanation either way.
“Caleb left. He just dropped by to clear things between us. He wants us to be friends.”
“Sounds like him,” commented Jack offhandedly.
“Yeah. Yeah it does.” Alex tucked his bottom lip into his mouth, hesitant. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean -” The rest of his words were spoken into the palm of Jack’s hand, pressed against his mouth to keep Alex from speaking.
“Dude. It’s okay. I’m not all butt hurt over it or anything, so stop apologizing,” Jack spoke, eyes rolling. He pulled his hand away, brow raised intently as though just daring Alex to apologize once more. “What you said was true, anyway. I’m not mad or anything. I promise.”
Eyeing him skeptically, Alex opened his mouth before letting it close without a word. Normally, he would press forward and apologize anyway, but tonight was supposed to be special, and well. With all the surprises between now and when they arrived, they hadn’t been able to actually do anything together. Alex didn’t want to muddle another memory; he had come to prom with Jack to spend time with him, ignoring that he had been practically spending every waking moment together, and it was all he wanted to do. No arguing, no jealousy, and no butting friends. Just him and Jack.
“I guess we should probably dance at least once since it is prom,” suggested Jack, mouth quirked into a crooked smile.
He could hear the music, loud and fast, suddenly slowing, along with the entire room and it twisted his nerves, a touch nervous at the thought that Jack was asking him to dance.
“Yeah. I guess we should.”
The first slow dance was awkward under the croon of music from the speakers and from their hands gripping hips, alternating from too tight to too loose. But it was nice. Pleasant, even, and Alex could feel Jack’s breath fanning against his cheek, warm.
“Are you worried?” asked Jack, voice just a soft murmur of vibrations against Alex’s ear.
Teeth sinking into his bottom lip, Alex didn’t even bother trying to smile, replying just as quietly to keep whatever illusion they had fill between them, “Maybe.” He closed his eyes, a habit of his whenever admitting something that had been lodged down his throat and in his chest, caged. “A little.”
“You shouldn’t be,” Jack whispered back, pulling Alex closer now that he could, now that there was no bump to keep them separated and uncomfortable. Alex still wasn’t used to it, mouth opening to tell Jack to be careful. He stopped himself at the last minute, tripping forward instead. There was something strange in being able to be pressed up against someone else, skins molding together and bodies fitting in the most intimate crevices. “He’s in good hands.”
Chuckling humorlessly, Alex nodded. “I know. I know he is. I just can’t help it; I worry about him. Paternal instincts, I guess.”
“You mean maternal, since you were the one who had to give birth and all,” Jack cracked as he just barely missed Alex’s feet, stepping too close and catching just the tips of his shiny black shoes.
“Shut up.”
Lips pressed against the bridge of his nose, startling Alex into opening his eyes to see Jack staring back at him, eyes soft and mouth curved into a smile. His fingers tightened against Alex’s hipbones, one hand slinking to press into the small of his back.
“Don’t worry, Alex.”
“Do you -” Alex stopped, no longer hearing the words to the song, just feeling the beat of the music reverberating through his body. “Do you think this was the right thing?”
They came to a halt, ignoring the swaying couples around them as they danced out the last few notes. Jack leaned forward to brush his lips against Alex’s, a soft touch that lasted for only as long as Alex could take in a breath, and pressed their foreheads together. “It doesn’t matter if it was right or wrong. There’s no such thing, and I know you know that.”
The song faded from the speakers, being replaced with the DJ’s voice that quickly slid into a bouncy pop song that hurt Alex’s ears. He broke away from Jack’s hold, trying to pull his lips up into a reassuring smile before muttering what he hoped was something close to getting a drink. Alex slipped away before Jack could stop him, never mind that this was his school’s prom and he was probably being a completely horrid date by just leaving Jack all by himself. He just wanted to get away from the noise, the thick pulsing of music humming through his body.
It was awful, but Alex sort of wanted to just go home and crawl under his covers to fall asleep. He hated that he had to ruin what was generally stereotyped as the best night of high school, running out of the gym like some drama queen and sitting on the sidewalk just outside.
The time gap between without Jack and with him was hardly noticeable, Jack’s head already sticking out of the door and followed by the rest of his body as he came out, plopping down on the dirty cement next to him. Silence blanketed them, the muffled sounds of prom still ringing in as background noise between them.
“Are you mad?” The question was simple.
“No. I’m not.”
Alex could hear Jack suck in a breath, holding it tight. “Then what is it?”
“I just hate that I’m here,” Alex responded bitterly.
“What? At prom? What’s wrong with prom?” And really, Jack not getting it just burst whatever bubble of calm and collected demeanor Alex had managed to uplift.
“I hate that I’m out here, living my life and getting to be a teenager just by giving up my own child,” Alex shouted with purpose, livid with emotions flashing across his face, coming more than one at a time and sometimes without a proper name. All Alex knew was that it didn’t feel like the right decision, like he made another mistake by giving up their son because neither of them was ready. It wasn’t fair; he just wasn’t sure for who.
Jack flinched back just slightly, still holding his own ground as he pursed his lips, asking firmly, “Do you regret it?”
“Regret what?” Alex asked in return, already fearing his own answer to the simple question.
“Do you regret giving up the baby for adoption?” He was stupid to think that Jack wouldn’t rise to his challenge, wouldn’t ask the damned question in full sentence and complete with emotions-freed from his own voice. It was times like these that made Alex wish he could resent Jack, resent him like he had back at the beginning of the school year. The very thought that he even wished to go back to that harassed relationship between them was sort of hysterically laughable. As though it was a gentle reminder saying that yes, wanting to go back to being pregnant, scared, and caught between just about every bad situation to escape the fear, the settle of normality, and the caring of now was really his life.
“I…” His voice died in his throat. Alex glanced down at his feet, his feet that he could now see without the hideous bump obstructing his view. He felt grossly insignificant and hunched his shoulders in on himself, releasing a soft breath into the air.
“I don’t,” Jack picked up the line of thought after him, fully turned to face Alex. “I don’t regret you deciding to give the baby up for adoption. I don’t hate you for it, and I don’t think you’re a fucking idiot either. Me personally? I don’t think there was a right or wrong decision that you could have made. There was never such a thing. I don’t regret your decision, and it doesn’t make me love you any less.”
It was funny, in a morbid sort of way, how with everything Jack was telling him, Alex could only focus on one small part, almost insignificant with the way it was nearly swallowed whole by the others.
“Wh… what?” he whispered, afraid that perhaps he had misheard.
Jack crooked his brows, seemingly unaware. “Do you?”
And Alex couldn’t decide what Jack was asking him that question to. Squeezing his eyes, he shook his head, forcing himself to focus on the matter at hand. There was no possible way Jack could have said or even hinted that he loved Alex when he did not even seem to aware of it himself. It was a mistake.
“Sometimes,” he confessed, feeling all the energy and anger sap out of him with the single word. He just felt tired now more than regretful or angry or even sad. “Sometimes, I just wonder what it would’ve been like if we had just kept him and raised him on our own. But, like, I know it wouldn’t have worked out. That we couldn’t have been the best, the happiest family for him, but it still… it still hurts.” Alex shook his head, trying to collect the swarm of thoughts that had been buzzing in his mind for the past weeks since the birth. “I wish I had at least seen him. But I was so afraid that if I saw him and held him, I wouldn’t have been able to give him up for adoption. He doesn’t deserve the life he would have with us.”
“So. Would you take it back?” Jack asked evenly. It felt ridiculous, surreal in the least, to be literally standing outside in the night and under dirty streetlamps instead of being inside prom, celebrating the best night of their high school lives and simply being the teenagers they were. Alex wondered just where down the line in his life had meaningful nighttime talks about their lives and futures in tuxedoes right outside of prom become his norm. He felt like everything had been moving in fastforwarded motions, forcing him to grow up too fast without any warning and without any instructions on how he was supposed to go about being an adult.
It was what prompted him into answering, saying a quiet and barely there but genuine, “No. I wouldn’t.” He shifted on his feet, sluggish. “I wouldn’t take it back. It…” Alex fumbled around for the right words, knowing the feeling shot into his veins but unable to express it. “It just wasn’t our time. It wasn’t meant to be, and really. I don’t think he was meant to be ours either. Not this time, at least.”
And it was how he really felt, because as much as he loved him, Alex knew that the baby just wasn’t meant to be theirs. Not this time.
Maybe it was paternal instincts, something every parent knew, but Alex was almost sure of it. Giving up the baby had been singlehandedly the most painful decision of his life, and he knew that while it had been done for the baby’s life, he would regret it for every single day of his life, more on some days than others. But it felt like the right thing to do; something inside of him told him it was the right thing to do. The baby wasn’t meant to theirs.
Jack nodded unsurely, not quite understanding to the full depth of Alex’s words but feeling the need to do something so as not to be left completely out of the loop. It would be difficult for Jack to understand; Alex knew that much. He had been attached to the baby, twenty-four, seven, whereas Jack vehemently denied everything about it until the very end. Jack couldn’t feel that pull like Alex had. Besides, in a very grotesque and inappropriate way, it had been a sort of choice between the baby and every relationship he had ever forged with anyone, emphasized heavily on Jack.
Fingers touching the flesh of his cheek, Alex lifted his eyes to see Jack still staring back at him. He could feel the heat from where the tips of his fingers gently poked against his skin like pinpoints of white heat. With gentle pressure, Jack nudged Alex towards him, mouths coming together in a kiss. Hand coming up to curl around the back of Jack’s neck, Alex pressed back, lips parting as Jack’s tongue eased through. It was slow, mouths soft with each mold and heavy with a gentle intensity that sparked through Alex’s body, bursting against the nerve ends of his skin. He couldn’t breathe, and the heavy feeling trapped in his chest had never felt more reassuring than it did now.
When they parted, eyes still dazed with leftovers of their kiss spilling through, Jack pushed their foreheads together again, fingers trailing Alex’s cheek and occasionally nudging their lips together again for small, short kisses.
“We don’t have to go back if you don’t want,” offered Jack, still unmoving and crowding Alex’s personal space. He didn’t mind though, not when he could tilt his head just to the right a little to kiss Jack’s lips.
“No, we should. I didn’t really mean it when I said I didn’t want to be here,” Alex clarified in a small whisper. “Before that though…” He trailed off, trying to find the right words while pushing down the persistent flush of heat curling under his skin even though he was certain it was all in vain. Jack could probably count each and every one of his eyelashes if he wanted, they were so close. “Earlier, when you were saying how you didn’t regret me giving up the baby.”
When he found himself unable to continue, Jack prodded him with another open-mouthed kiss. “Yeah?”
“You said…” Jack’s brows pulled up higher, and in that very moment, Alex felt silly, amusement plucking his strings at the thought of what he was attempting to do. Just as he was certain that Jack knew, Alex was pretty certain that he knew he had heard Jack correctly and that even if spoken seemingly offhandedly and unaware, it didn’t do anything to unravel the feeling nestling in the pit of his stomach, warm and bright with hope. “Never mind. Let’s go back in.”
With hesitant fingers curling around his own, Alex briefly let his gaze dance, catching sight of the nervous half-smile tilting Jack’s lips. He didn’t tighten his fingers, leaving them threaded loosely between Alex’s, and from this close, Alex could see the swell of his chest from the breath he was keeping trapped there. Lips spilling into a smile, he curled his fingers around Jack’s, tight and worth something he couldn’t, didn’t have the courage just yet to say out loud. Not this time, but maybe he would one day.
end.