Foreign policy initiative
It occurs to me that The Breakfast Nook has been excessively gloomy for the last few days, and nothing brightens things up around here (by which I mean "reminds everyone that the person writing this is an utter lunatic") like a new plank in the campaign platform.
I haven't touched on foreign policy much, partly because it is an inherently complex subject requiring depth of thought and delicate implementation (are you taking notes, President Bush?), but mostly because I haven't though of anything truly dippy enough for the campaign. Well, all that has changed.
I can't promise that America won't get involved in more foreign adventures. I can, however, promise a significant reduction in casualties, as all of my invasions will have limited goals. Really limited goals. Like winning pie fights.
Here's how it would work. Say a country has a despotic dictator that we don't trust. We're not going to do anything. There's lots of countries with despotic dictators, and not a hell of a lot we can do about it. But say there's another country that annoys us-like France, for example. We'll send the troops, armed with all the latest technology-custard, meringue, possibly even yogurt-and they'll throw pies at people. There will likely be collateral damage, true, but it will be in the nature of high cleaning bills, say, or ruined ties and ascots, not bombed out villages. And our point will be made quite admirably. Admittedly, "You annoy us because you look down on us, yet you eat snails," isn't much of a point, but hey, getting hit with a pie isn't much of a punishment, so it all works out.
Our foreign policy under me won't be quite as grandiose. It will likely be far funnier, at least to me anyway. And that's gotta count for something.
I haven't touched on foreign policy much, partly because it is an inherently complex subject requiring depth of thought and delicate implementation (are you taking notes, President Bush?), but mostly because I haven't though of anything truly dippy enough for the campaign. Well, all that has changed.
I can't promise that America won't get involved in more foreign adventures. I can, however, promise a significant reduction in casualties, as all of my invasions will have limited goals. Really limited goals. Like winning pie fights.
Here's how it would work. Say a country has a despotic dictator that we don't trust. We're not going to do anything. There's lots of countries with despotic dictators, and not a hell of a lot we can do about it. But say there's another country that annoys us-like France, for example. We'll send the troops, armed with all the latest technology-custard, meringue, possibly even yogurt-and they'll throw pies at people. There will likely be collateral damage, true, but it will be in the nature of high cleaning bills, say, or ruined ties and ascots, not bombed out villages. And our point will be made quite admirably. Admittedly, "You annoy us because you look down on us, yet you eat snails," isn't much of a point, but hey, getting hit with a pie isn't much of a punishment, so it all works out.
Our foreign policy under me won't be quite as grandiose. It will likely be far funnier, at least to me anyway. And that's gotta count for something.