Through the crown of the sakura tree - 56
Author: Hikaru Del Sogno
Fandom: DB5K
Pairings: Changmin x Junsu (MinSu), Yoochun x Junsu, Yunho x Jaejoong
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They are not mine.
“Has Junsu done yet?”
“Yun is helping him with some last-minute prep. He’ll be down soon.”
Yoochun made a sound in his throat, hand swaying a glass of milk. His eyes followed the white veil the milk left on the inner side of the glass, each time he swayed it to another direction. A smile was on his lips but it was but a meaningless expression. It was funny how he had been trained in expressions, that now even when he felt nothing like it he could still smile.
It was so quiet in the bar Yoochun could hear the sound of Jaejoong holding his breath. Until finally, the cellist decided to break it, “Chun-ah, why don’t you hold Junsu back?”
“Why are you asking, hyung? He’s about to leave.” Yoochun laughed lightly.
Jaejoong took in a sharp breath. He was angry. “I don’t get you, Yoochun. If you love him, go ahead. Keep him. Say you love him. What’s wrong with you? Weren’t you two together? Why did you break up?”
“Because,” Yoochun looked up at the ceiling in the tranquility that completely contrasted the emotions Jaejoong was showing, “He never loved me. Has never loved me.”
“What?”
“To him I’m no more than a friend. Maybe a very important, his first real friend but I’m never more than that.” Then he looked at Jaejoong in the eyes. “I’m angry too, hyung. Sometimes I wonder what it is that that guy Changmin has done to get Junsu to love him so much. Why can’t Junsu look at me?”
Said Yoochun bitterly. The memories of the first day he had met Junsu were still fresh in his mind, the summer of the year he was 14 and Junsu 13. Yoochun’s parents had taken Junsu in, to set an example for their son, who had been going through a phase of teen angst and neglecting his duties. At that time, something so strong, so wild, so full of determination had been there in Junsu’s eyes, behind the melancholic surface. It was something Yoochun had never seen before, and it fascinated Yoochun. Yoochun just knew it from the first moment. Junsu was “the one”, the person Yoochun would desire till the end of his life, but would never be his.
Sometimes, Yoochun even wondered, maybe it was because the first impression of a spoiled, taking-things-for-granted kid had been so deep that it had made Junsu never really see Yoochun as a romantic interest. Whatever it was, at a point, Yoochun had become so frustrated, that he had proposed to end the 2 year relationship between them. Junsu had accepted it easily. Yoochun just had to say it had been the right decision. It didn’t mean he did not regret it every single second after that.
The feelings he had for Junsu was still there, even now, and seeing Junsu willing to be hurt by Changmin killed him slowly inside, but could he tell Junsu to stop liking Changmin? No. Yoochun simply knew it. To Junsu, Changmin was also “the one”, the person that from the first moment Junsu had desired and would never cease to desire, while knowing full well it was only hopeless.
Yoochun downed the milk in his glass. The taste felt lame in his throat. Wasn’t this dramatic way of drinking reserved for alcohol only? Or it was simply that right now everything felt wrong in Yoochun’s world? He knew he could not hold Junsu back. He was never the reason why Junsu chose to leave, so he would never be the solution.
“It’s done. The lock number is your birthday,” said Yunho to an absent-minded Junsu, who was sitting on the windowsill of the attic of the bar Yunho owned. It was a hot summer day. The sun, like a giant fireball, was descending on the skyscrapers of Seoul. Junsu’s hair, his body, were dyed with the color of the dying day as he sat, taking in for the last time the sight of the sunset in this country. Though his life here had consisted of a lot of sad days, this was still this country and he would miss it, along with the people living here.
“Thanks, hyung,” Junsu said.
“You want something to drink? Orange juice? I can go and make it for you.”
“Anniyo, hyung, thank you,” Junsu shook his head. So adorable, Yunho couldn’t help thinking. He had only come to be Junsu’s friend after being introduced to the pianist by Jaejoong. Yet, the affection he had towards Junsu had been immediate and instinctive, like a person would naturally feel towards a child. He had understood right away why Jaejoong was always so protective toward Junsu, and so had never got jealous. He himself wanted Junsu to be happy.
Yunho sat down next to Junsu, “You sure you have no regret?”
Junsu directed questioning eyes to him. Yunho smiled, “I mean, about leaving.”
“I don’t, hyung,” Junsu played with his fingers, “Why should I? I have worked so hard to earn this scholarship. It’s my dream. It’s the most important thing isn’t it? My career. About love? Love hurts too much. It will only stay in the way.”
Yunho laughed. “Well, not necessarily.” He cleared his throat and then commenced, “You know what the difference between people like Napoleon, Justinian the Byzantine Emperor, Lincoln, Bismarck, Caesar, Lenin, etc. and those like Hitler is? Let’s not talk about their faiths, just talk about their endings, what they achieve in the end. It's not just about winning or losing, but even more than that, those who are glorified, and those who are despised. What leads them to such different endings?”
“…”
“You know the answer. It’s love,” Yunho smiled, “Napoleon, Josephine. Justinian, Theodora. The rest, you name it. You can look up love letters written by them to these women, absolutely wonderful. And Hitler? Obsessive feelings toward his niece Geli Raubal. Locked her up until she went crazy and killed herself with his gun. We certainly can’t call that love. Eva Braun? He never cared about her. She committed suicide several times and Hitler only married her when the end came and she was among the last one who remained with him. Still, it was not love. He never loved anyone.”
Junsu was looking at Yunho with unblinking eyes. Yunho patted his hair softly. “Junsu, love creates. Without love, one comes close to ruin. Without love, how can you make music? Does your music have any meaning without love?”
Junsu stayed quiet. What Yunho had said was something he had never thought about. He had always looked at love as something that would impede his career. The relationship with Changmin had too many obstacles in the way, that even when Changmin had confessed to him, even when he would like to believe Changmin, it still made no difference. They simply couldn’t be together. Their paths would only cross to separate and never meet again. It hurt too much.
Junsu looked at Yunho. The handsome bar ownner was texting someone. Yunho was really beautiful. And mysterious. Something like intuition made Junsu unable to believe Yunho was merely a bar owner. Just now, Yunho had been talking about people of the past, of wars and politics, with considerable knowledge. Most importantly, those were things Jaejoong was never interested in. Yunho was Jaejoong’s boyfriend but he never showed his side of him in front of Jaejoong.
“Who are you, Yunho?” Junsu asked with frowned eyebrows. He couldn’t help it.
Yunho happily put his phone away after texting. He then turned to Junsu, quirked a mysterious smile. “I’m Jaejoong’s boyfriend. That’s it.”
Changmin had to gasp for air as he read the letter Junsu had left for him.
First he felt both enraged and helpless. Junsu had left him again, this time probably forever, and all he had for explanation was a string of short sentences on a meager piece of paper.
Changmin crumpled it in his hands. The world went dark in front of Changmin’s eyes, and he had to sit down because the blow of the shock was too much and could literally bring Changmin to his knees.
“I’m not someone you should be with”? Who was Junsu kidding? Who could decide for Changmin whom he should be with and whom he should not? Should he be only with those heiresses? Should he follow other people’s example and spend his life with someone he barely knew? Changmin laughed bitterly.
If he was to lose Junsu, what else in life could he decide for himself? Could Changmin call himself a human being any longer? When he couldn’t do anything he wanted, and all the gifts he had in life couldn’t help him hold on to the one he loved?
It was hard for Changmin, even just to breathe. He shut his eyes close to avoid the dizziness that was taking over him. It was such an awful feeling that after a while, when Changmin opened his eyes again, the world looked so strange. He felt like living in a place he had absolutely no idea of. Under the dying light of the day, the same furniture and decorations were still in the room, standing in one corner like a bulky deadly mass was still Junsu’s piano, but Junsu had gone for good.
Was this all a dream?
Changmin untangled the crumple he had in his fist and read it again, hoping it was all just a bad joke. But Junsu never joked. It was real and solid and it was Junsu’s writing, no doubt. Changmin’s eyes made way to the most painful part of the letter: “I’m leaving today,” Junsu had written, “maybe to never come back.” The words were so light, so flippant, and they almost painted an uncaring smile on Junsu’s face in Changmin’s mind.
But how could it be so? How could the words here differ so much from what they had experienced the night before? It had been the first time they had really made love, that was, both of them had known it had been love between them and not pure sex. That desperation in Junsu’s kiss, that haste in the way Junsu had pushed Changmin down, and that sad smile Changmin had seen in the dizziness of his closing eyes… Changmin had fallen asleep before Junsu, and he had woken up to see Junsu slumbering on his own hands holding on to Changmin’s. Junsu had looked so childlike and adorable, but something in his posture still screamed loneliness. The way he had held onto Changmin was so sad, like his voice singing the Gwiyomi song, “Please promise me that you’ll never leave me.” How could a cheerful song sound so sad through Junsu’s voice? Had Junsu been sad to leave Changmin?
“You have made a lot of sacrifices, you deserve the position,” it said in the letter. So Junsu thought Changmin wanted it? That Changmin would ever want it more than he wanted Junsu?
Should he blame Junsu in never trusting him, or should he blame himself for never discussing it with Junsu? Whatever it was, now that Junsu was gone, Changmin found no meaning in the life he was having here anymore.
Right that moment, his phone beeped.
End 56
Fandom: DB5K
Pairings: Changmin x Junsu (MinSu), Yoochun x Junsu, Yunho x Jaejoong
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They are not mine.
“Has Junsu done yet?”
“Yun is helping him with some last-minute prep. He’ll be down soon.”
Yoochun made a sound in his throat, hand swaying a glass of milk. His eyes followed the white veil the milk left on the inner side of the glass, each time he swayed it to another direction. A smile was on his lips but it was but a meaningless expression. It was funny how he had been trained in expressions, that now even when he felt nothing like it he could still smile.
It was so quiet in the bar Yoochun could hear the sound of Jaejoong holding his breath. Until finally, the cellist decided to break it, “Chun-ah, why don’t you hold Junsu back?”
“Why are you asking, hyung? He’s about to leave.” Yoochun laughed lightly.
Jaejoong took in a sharp breath. He was angry. “I don’t get you, Yoochun. If you love him, go ahead. Keep him. Say you love him. What’s wrong with you? Weren’t you two together? Why did you break up?”
“Because,” Yoochun looked up at the ceiling in the tranquility that completely contrasted the emotions Jaejoong was showing, “He never loved me. Has never loved me.”
“What?”
“To him I’m no more than a friend. Maybe a very important, his first real friend but I’m never more than that.” Then he looked at Jaejoong in the eyes. “I’m angry too, hyung. Sometimes I wonder what it is that that guy Changmin has done to get Junsu to love him so much. Why can’t Junsu look at me?”
Said Yoochun bitterly. The memories of the first day he had met Junsu were still fresh in his mind, the summer of the year he was 14 and Junsu 13. Yoochun’s parents had taken Junsu in, to set an example for their son, who had been going through a phase of teen angst and neglecting his duties. At that time, something so strong, so wild, so full of determination had been there in Junsu’s eyes, behind the melancholic surface. It was something Yoochun had never seen before, and it fascinated Yoochun. Yoochun just knew it from the first moment. Junsu was “the one”, the person Yoochun would desire till the end of his life, but would never be his.
Sometimes, Yoochun even wondered, maybe it was because the first impression of a spoiled, taking-things-for-granted kid had been so deep that it had made Junsu never really see Yoochun as a romantic interest. Whatever it was, at a point, Yoochun had become so frustrated, that he had proposed to end the 2 year relationship between them. Junsu had accepted it easily. Yoochun just had to say it had been the right decision. It didn’t mean he did not regret it every single second after that.
The feelings he had for Junsu was still there, even now, and seeing Junsu willing to be hurt by Changmin killed him slowly inside, but could he tell Junsu to stop liking Changmin? No. Yoochun simply knew it. To Junsu, Changmin was also “the one”, the person that from the first moment Junsu had desired and would never cease to desire, while knowing full well it was only hopeless.
Yoochun downed the milk in his glass. The taste felt lame in his throat. Wasn’t this dramatic way of drinking reserved for alcohol only? Or it was simply that right now everything felt wrong in Yoochun’s world? He knew he could not hold Junsu back. He was never the reason why Junsu chose to leave, so he would never be the solution.
“It’s done. The lock number is your birthday,” said Yunho to an absent-minded Junsu, who was sitting on the windowsill of the attic of the bar Yunho owned. It was a hot summer day. The sun, like a giant fireball, was descending on the skyscrapers of Seoul. Junsu’s hair, his body, were dyed with the color of the dying day as he sat, taking in for the last time the sight of the sunset in this country. Though his life here had consisted of a lot of sad days, this was still this country and he would miss it, along with the people living here.
“Thanks, hyung,” Junsu said.
“You want something to drink? Orange juice? I can go and make it for you.”
“Anniyo, hyung, thank you,” Junsu shook his head. So adorable, Yunho couldn’t help thinking. He had only come to be Junsu’s friend after being introduced to the pianist by Jaejoong. Yet, the affection he had towards Junsu had been immediate and instinctive, like a person would naturally feel towards a child. He had understood right away why Jaejoong was always so protective toward Junsu, and so had never got jealous. He himself wanted Junsu to be happy.
Yunho sat down next to Junsu, “You sure you have no regret?”
Junsu directed questioning eyes to him. Yunho smiled, “I mean, about leaving.”
“I don’t, hyung,” Junsu played with his fingers, “Why should I? I have worked so hard to earn this scholarship. It’s my dream. It’s the most important thing isn’t it? My career. About love? Love hurts too much. It will only stay in the way.”
Yunho laughed. “Well, not necessarily.” He cleared his throat and then commenced, “You know what the difference between people like Napoleon, Justinian the Byzantine Emperor, Lincoln, Bismarck, Caesar, Lenin, etc. and those like Hitler is? Let’s not talk about their faiths, just talk about their endings, what they achieve in the end. It's not just about winning or losing, but even more than that, those who are glorified, and those who are despised. What leads them to such different endings?”
“…”
“You know the answer. It’s love,” Yunho smiled, “Napoleon, Josephine. Justinian, Theodora. The rest, you name it. You can look up love letters written by them to these women, absolutely wonderful. And Hitler? Obsessive feelings toward his niece Geli Raubal. Locked her up until she went crazy and killed herself with his gun. We certainly can’t call that love. Eva Braun? He never cared about her. She committed suicide several times and Hitler only married her when the end came and she was among the last one who remained with him. Still, it was not love. He never loved anyone.”
Junsu was looking at Yunho with unblinking eyes. Yunho patted his hair softly. “Junsu, love creates. Without love, one comes close to ruin. Without love, how can you make music? Does your music have any meaning without love?”
Junsu stayed quiet. What Yunho had said was something he had never thought about. He had always looked at love as something that would impede his career. The relationship with Changmin had too many obstacles in the way, that even when Changmin had confessed to him, even when he would like to believe Changmin, it still made no difference. They simply couldn’t be together. Their paths would only cross to separate and never meet again. It hurt too much.
Junsu looked at Yunho. The handsome bar ownner was texting someone. Yunho was really beautiful. And mysterious. Something like intuition made Junsu unable to believe Yunho was merely a bar owner. Just now, Yunho had been talking about people of the past, of wars and politics, with considerable knowledge. Most importantly, those were things Jaejoong was never interested in. Yunho was Jaejoong’s boyfriend but he never showed his side of him in front of Jaejoong.
“Who are you, Yunho?” Junsu asked with frowned eyebrows. He couldn’t help it.
Yunho happily put his phone away after texting. He then turned to Junsu, quirked a mysterious smile. “I’m Jaejoong’s boyfriend. That’s it.”
Changmin had to gasp for air as he read the letter Junsu had left for him.
First he felt both enraged and helpless. Junsu had left him again, this time probably forever, and all he had for explanation was a string of short sentences on a meager piece of paper.
Changmin crumpled it in his hands. The world went dark in front of Changmin’s eyes, and he had to sit down because the blow of the shock was too much and could literally bring Changmin to his knees.
“I’m not someone you should be with”? Who was Junsu kidding? Who could decide for Changmin whom he should be with and whom he should not? Should he be only with those heiresses? Should he follow other people’s example and spend his life with someone he barely knew? Changmin laughed bitterly.
If he was to lose Junsu, what else in life could he decide for himself? Could Changmin call himself a human being any longer? When he couldn’t do anything he wanted, and all the gifts he had in life couldn’t help him hold on to the one he loved?
It was hard for Changmin, even just to breathe. He shut his eyes close to avoid the dizziness that was taking over him. It was such an awful feeling that after a while, when Changmin opened his eyes again, the world looked so strange. He felt like living in a place he had absolutely no idea of. Under the dying light of the day, the same furniture and decorations were still in the room, standing in one corner like a bulky deadly mass was still Junsu’s piano, but Junsu had gone for good.
Was this all a dream?
Changmin untangled the crumple he had in his fist and read it again, hoping it was all just a bad joke. But Junsu never joked. It was real and solid and it was Junsu’s writing, no doubt. Changmin’s eyes made way to the most painful part of the letter: “I’m leaving today,” Junsu had written, “maybe to never come back.” The words were so light, so flippant, and they almost painted an uncaring smile on Junsu’s face in Changmin’s mind.
But how could it be so? How could the words here differ so much from what they had experienced the night before? It had been the first time they had really made love, that was, both of them had known it had been love between them and not pure sex. That desperation in Junsu’s kiss, that haste in the way Junsu had pushed Changmin down, and that sad smile Changmin had seen in the dizziness of his closing eyes… Changmin had fallen asleep before Junsu, and he had woken up to see Junsu slumbering on his own hands holding on to Changmin’s. Junsu had looked so childlike and adorable, but something in his posture still screamed loneliness. The way he had held onto Changmin was so sad, like his voice singing the Gwiyomi song, “Please promise me that you’ll never leave me.” How could a cheerful song sound so sad through Junsu’s voice? Had Junsu been sad to leave Changmin?
“You have made a lot of sacrifices, you deserve the position,” it said in the letter. So Junsu thought Changmin wanted it? That Changmin would ever want it more than he wanted Junsu?
Should he blame Junsu in never trusting him, or should he blame himself for never discussing it with Junsu? Whatever it was, now that Junsu was gone, Changmin found no meaning in the life he was having here anymore.
Right that moment, his phone beeped.
End 56