Through the crown of the sakura tree - 45
Author: Hikaru Del Sogno
Fandom: DB5K
Pairings: Changmin x Junsu (MinSu), Yoochun x Junsu, Yunho x Jaejoong
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They are not mine.
The best way to not feel hurt is to pretend you don’t notice it.
“Changmin-oppa, how have you been?”
Changmin looked up from his book. Bright sunshine made it hard for him to make out the face of the person speaking to him. The material of her flowery dress glittered under the light. That voice… of course he recognized it. “Yuri?”
The sound of an intake of breath let Changmin know the girl smiled. Seating herself on a chair in front of Changmin, Yuri put a cup of coffee down. She settled all her bags and a violin case, then tucked the water-like falling hair behind her ear. “I have a free period now. Didn’t think I would see you here. You haven’t been around. You have free time now?”
“Yeah,” Changmin blinked, “Just finished some projects so I have more time now.” Then after a moment he added, not without a bit of hesitation, “How have you been?”
How long had it been since he last talked to her? So long, and quite painful to remember. But he liked the easy way Yuri sat in front of him now, just like how they’d always been when they were kids. Changmin would sit and read a book and little Yuri would stay quietly to just look at Changmin. Under the same bright sunshine, gleaming on green trees and grass like this.
Changmin had normalized his relationship with Minho but with Yuri… he had not particularly wished to see her. Yuri and Minho had become boyfriend and girlfriend, and there was something about the fact that Yuri used to be Changmin’s fiancee that put quite a tension upon it all. But now they’d seen each other, Changmin realized he was looking at Yuri under a light that was even more familiar than that he used to look at her as a girlfriend. He was looking at her as a good, old friend. It was the fact. He had grown up with Kyuhyun, Kibum, Minho and Yuri, and it was always with them that he could relax.
“I’m good,” Yuri grinned, “Almost finished all the exams. But I shouldn’t talk about exams with you. You always top them all effortlessly. Sometimes I hate you so much.”
Changmin nearly laughed. Nearly, because something so heavy could still be felt on his chest, that didn’t let him rejoice without a bitter tinge of hollowness.
He smiled instead, but his smile seemed to surprise Yuri. She stared at him openly. “What’s the problem?” Changmin asked.
“What happened with you, oppa? The way you smile is so different from before. Where is the blinding grin that can light up the whole place?”
“You flatter me,” the two corners of Changmin’s lips curled up again, only like a machine.
Yuri shrugged. “I take it you don’t want to see me. Are you expecting someone?”
“No, I…”
Right then, a high-pitched voice was heard, “Oppa!” Then two arms came hugging Changmin’s neck from behind. “Soo?” Changmin asked, looking up to a pretty, young face.
“Yeah, what are you doing? You miss me?”
She gave him a peck. Changmin didn’t kiss back. He looked at Yuri, who directed a puzzled look at him. “My bad,” Changmin said, “Yuri, this is Soo-ae, my girlfriend. Soo, this is Yuri.”
When the two girls looked at each other, the tension was immediate and so strong it was tangible. Once hearing Yuri’s name, Soo’s hands on Changmin tensed up, before clutching on him even more tightly, as if to shout at Yuri that Changmin was hers. Meanwhile, Yuri was wearing a classic frown, the way an aristocratic lady look at some unfathomable kids’ play.
To relieve the strained atmosphere, Changmin reminded Soo-ae that she was to have class in a few minutes (he suddenly realized he was terribly unimaginative in finding excuses to tell a girl off). She left in a breeze.
“What was that?” Yuri still had on the frown.
Changmin sipped his tea. “What was what?”
“That girl?”
“Don’t tell me you’re jealous,” Changmin smirked without real humor.
“Why is she called ‘Soo’? I thought it’s someone else?”
“What do you mean?”
“Come one, Changmin. Why is there a Soo-ae here? Where is the ‘Soo’ that really matters? I mean, where is Kim Junsu?”
Yuri mentioned the three syllabled name so easily, but it sent a sharp squeeze to Changmin’s heart. He kept a straight face however. “I don’t get why you have to drag Junsu here.”
Yuri looked incredulous. “What’s the problem with you? Why are you two not together?” She said straight-forwardly. Changmin didn’t remember hearing Yuri this blunt before.
“Yuri, are you talking sense?”
“Oppa, you’re incredibly stupid when it comes to this, aren’t you?" Yuri practically sighed. "If you love him why aren’t you two together?”
Changmin nearly spitted out his tea. His heart picked up speed against his will. “I? Love him?”
“Yes. You don’t realize? After all that I told you that day, you still haven’t got a clue?”
Changmin tried to recall what Yuri said that day. “Yuri, that day you said he influenced me. It…”
“Yes. I mean you love him!” Yuri exlaimed. “Can you please stop citing those damn psychology books everytime you think? If a person can affect you that much emotionally, it only means you’ve fallen in love with them. That’s it. Don’t give me laws of manipulation or any of those craps. It’s just love.”
Changmin kept mum through Yuri’s outburst. A warm chill crept up his spine. Love? It sounded so alien to him. He had never used the word to describe any sort of relationship he had experienced before.
“But you said…”
“Oppa, I wish you had listened to me this zealously whenever I spoke. I’m sorry, that day I was hurt and angry, but I really expected you to catch the essense.” She sighed. “Changmin, what do you feel when you’re next to him?”
Changmin felt suffocated.
He got a feeling she was was doing diagnosis for him, when it had always been him who analyzed other people. But… he trusted Yuri. And somehow he felt like there was some sort of realization lying in front, very close. He was about grasp it. He was so lost and she was like the person that could see it for him.
Like a child he said what came to his mind.
“Well I… around him I feel insecure at times, don’t know how to act. I feel he touches all the places inside my soul that I don’t want anyone to see… so I get angry with him. Yet when he’s with other people, I don’t like it. When he shares with anyone things we share, I hate it. But most of the time, I… I feel right being with him. I feel so warm, and despite all the differences, I think he always gets what I mean. He tells me things and makes me look at things, and it’s not always pleasant but…”
“But what?” Yuri smiled encouragingly.
“Yuri, I…” Changmin looked so lost. he gazed up at Yuri with his perfect brown eyes. Sunshine was trapped in there.
“Changmin, oh Changmin,” Yuri stood up, walked towards Changmin. She extended her bare arms and embraced his head, her fingers in his black hair. Somehow, Changmin felt like he was in his mother’s arms. She sighed into his hair. “Oppa, why is it so hard for you to acknowledge it? Why do you make it hard for both of you?”
Changmin had no idea. He was feeling too overwhelmed, dealing with the fact that probably, he was seriously in love with Kim Junsu.
It was a million times harder when he had to look at things in a different way now. That he loved Junsu put a new light on everything, and so he wanted to kill himself for being such a bastard. All of Jaejoong’s words came back to him like a flood, along with images of Junsu’s hurt gaze, of the frail body walking out of his apartment in Ilsan, of the angry expression when insulted by Changmin at the Parks’ event. And of the lonely backside when he said to a deceased Miss Han, that he would, like her, die alone one day.
It clutched at his heart. Jaejoong had told him Junsu was an orphan, and had never known his parents. In this world, he had always been alone.
It explained that air of solitude always surrounding Junsu, but Changmin, for the stupid fear of being manipulated the way he manipulated other people, always saw it as just a sort of act, a sort of pretense. He had never thought it was natural, that the pain and the loneliness had always haunted Junsu like a ghost. Changmin, like all people of his class, thought of loneliness as something romantic, like a play, and never thought it was real for some people and that they’d kill to get rid of it. Changmin had hated it, looked down on it because he was attracted to it, and he hurt Junsu because he wanted to tell himself he wasn’t attracted. He had hurt Junsu so much with his words and actions. He had told Junsu that Junsu was worthless, that he was ugly and nobody wanted him. He even told Junsu that the pianist was just a toy, a kind of man whore for the rich, had stepped on Junsu’s dignity… All because of what he now finally could identify as jealousy.
The one he loved thought that no one loved him, because Changmin had made him think so, in a cruel way.
How stupid could he be?
Tears flowed from his eyes and before long he was sobbing in Yuri’s arms. How was he to atone for all of this? How was he to have Junsu back again? The pain was eating him and he needed Junsu, but the pianist probably would never return to him. The thought was like a thousand cuts at his heart.
End 45
Fandom: DB5K
Pairings: Changmin x Junsu (MinSu), Yoochun x Junsu, Yunho x Jaejoong
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They are not mine.
The best way to not feel hurt is to pretend you don’t notice it.
“Changmin-oppa, how have you been?”
Changmin looked up from his book. Bright sunshine made it hard for him to make out the face of the person speaking to him. The material of her flowery dress glittered under the light. That voice… of course he recognized it. “Yuri?”
The sound of an intake of breath let Changmin know the girl smiled. Seating herself on a chair in front of Changmin, Yuri put a cup of coffee down. She settled all her bags and a violin case, then tucked the water-like falling hair behind her ear. “I have a free period now. Didn’t think I would see you here. You haven’t been around. You have free time now?”
“Yeah,” Changmin blinked, “Just finished some projects so I have more time now.” Then after a moment he added, not without a bit of hesitation, “How have you been?”
How long had it been since he last talked to her? So long, and quite painful to remember. But he liked the easy way Yuri sat in front of him now, just like how they’d always been when they were kids. Changmin would sit and read a book and little Yuri would stay quietly to just look at Changmin. Under the same bright sunshine, gleaming on green trees and grass like this.
Changmin had normalized his relationship with Minho but with Yuri… he had not particularly wished to see her. Yuri and Minho had become boyfriend and girlfriend, and there was something about the fact that Yuri used to be Changmin’s fiancee that put quite a tension upon it all. But now they’d seen each other, Changmin realized he was looking at Yuri under a light that was even more familiar than that he used to look at her as a girlfriend. He was looking at her as a good, old friend. It was the fact. He had grown up with Kyuhyun, Kibum, Minho and Yuri, and it was always with them that he could relax.
“I’m good,” Yuri grinned, “Almost finished all the exams. But I shouldn’t talk about exams with you. You always top them all effortlessly. Sometimes I hate you so much.”
Changmin nearly laughed. Nearly, because something so heavy could still be felt on his chest, that didn’t let him rejoice without a bitter tinge of hollowness.
He smiled instead, but his smile seemed to surprise Yuri. She stared at him openly. “What’s the problem?” Changmin asked.
“What happened with you, oppa? The way you smile is so different from before. Where is the blinding grin that can light up the whole place?”
“You flatter me,” the two corners of Changmin’s lips curled up again, only like a machine.
Yuri shrugged. “I take it you don’t want to see me. Are you expecting someone?”
“No, I…”
Right then, a high-pitched voice was heard, “Oppa!” Then two arms came hugging Changmin’s neck from behind. “Soo?” Changmin asked, looking up to a pretty, young face.
“Yeah, what are you doing? You miss me?”
She gave him a peck. Changmin didn’t kiss back. He looked at Yuri, who directed a puzzled look at him. “My bad,” Changmin said, “Yuri, this is Soo-ae, my girlfriend. Soo, this is Yuri.”
When the two girls looked at each other, the tension was immediate and so strong it was tangible. Once hearing Yuri’s name, Soo’s hands on Changmin tensed up, before clutching on him even more tightly, as if to shout at Yuri that Changmin was hers. Meanwhile, Yuri was wearing a classic frown, the way an aristocratic lady look at some unfathomable kids’ play.
To relieve the strained atmosphere, Changmin reminded Soo-ae that she was to have class in a few minutes (he suddenly realized he was terribly unimaginative in finding excuses to tell a girl off). She left in a breeze.
“What was that?” Yuri still had on the frown.
Changmin sipped his tea. “What was what?”
“That girl?”
“Don’t tell me you’re jealous,” Changmin smirked without real humor.
“Why is she called ‘Soo’? I thought it’s someone else?”
“What do you mean?”
“Come one, Changmin. Why is there a Soo-ae here? Where is the ‘Soo’ that really matters? I mean, where is Kim Junsu?”
Yuri mentioned the three syllabled name so easily, but it sent a sharp squeeze to Changmin’s heart. He kept a straight face however. “I don’t get why you have to drag Junsu here.”
Yuri looked incredulous. “What’s the problem with you? Why are you two not together?” She said straight-forwardly. Changmin didn’t remember hearing Yuri this blunt before.
“Yuri, are you talking sense?”
“Oppa, you’re incredibly stupid when it comes to this, aren’t you?" Yuri practically sighed. "If you love him why aren’t you two together?”
Changmin nearly spitted out his tea. His heart picked up speed against his will. “I? Love him?”
“Yes. You don’t realize? After all that I told you that day, you still haven’t got a clue?”
Changmin tried to recall what Yuri said that day. “Yuri, that day you said he influenced me. It…”
“Yes. I mean you love him!” Yuri exlaimed. “Can you please stop citing those damn psychology books everytime you think? If a person can affect you that much emotionally, it only means you’ve fallen in love with them. That’s it. Don’t give me laws of manipulation or any of those craps. It’s just love.”
Changmin kept mum through Yuri’s outburst. A warm chill crept up his spine. Love? It sounded so alien to him. He had never used the word to describe any sort of relationship he had experienced before.
“But you said…”
“Oppa, I wish you had listened to me this zealously whenever I spoke. I’m sorry, that day I was hurt and angry, but I really expected you to catch the essense.” She sighed. “Changmin, what do you feel when you’re next to him?”
Changmin felt suffocated.
He got a feeling she was was doing diagnosis for him, when it had always been him who analyzed other people. But… he trusted Yuri. And somehow he felt like there was some sort of realization lying in front, very close. He was about grasp it. He was so lost and she was like the person that could see it for him.
Like a child he said what came to his mind.
“Well I… around him I feel insecure at times, don’t know how to act. I feel he touches all the places inside my soul that I don’t want anyone to see… so I get angry with him. Yet when he’s with other people, I don’t like it. When he shares with anyone things we share, I hate it. But most of the time, I… I feel right being with him. I feel so warm, and despite all the differences, I think he always gets what I mean. He tells me things and makes me look at things, and it’s not always pleasant but…”
“But what?” Yuri smiled encouragingly.
“Yuri, I…” Changmin looked so lost. he gazed up at Yuri with his perfect brown eyes. Sunshine was trapped in there.
“Changmin, oh Changmin,” Yuri stood up, walked towards Changmin. She extended her bare arms and embraced his head, her fingers in his black hair. Somehow, Changmin felt like he was in his mother’s arms. She sighed into his hair. “Oppa, why is it so hard for you to acknowledge it? Why do you make it hard for both of you?”
Changmin had no idea. He was feeling too overwhelmed, dealing with the fact that probably, he was seriously in love with Kim Junsu.
It was a million times harder when he had to look at things in a different way now. That he loved Junsu put a new light on everything, and so he wanted to kill himself for being such a bastard. All of Jaejoong’s words came back to him like a flood, along with images of Junsu’s hurt gaze, of the frail body walking out of his apartment in Ilsan, of the angry expression when insulted by Changmin at the Parks’ event. And of the lonely backside when he said to a deceased Miss Han, that he would, like her, die alone one day.
It clutched at his heart. Jaejoong had told him Junsu was an orphan, and had never known his parents. In this world, he had always been alone.
It explained that air of solitude always surrounding Junsu, but Changmin, for the stupid fear of being manipulated the way he manipulated other people, always saw it as just a sort of act, a sort of pretense. He had never thought it was natural, that the pain and the loneliness had always haunted Junsu like a ghost. Changmin, like all people of his class, thought of loneliness as something romantic, like a play, and never thought it was real for some people and that they’d kill to get rid of it. Changmin had hated it, looked down on it because he was attracted to it, and he hurt Junsu because he wanted to tell himself he wasn’t attracted. He had hurt Junsu so much with his words and actions. He had told Junsu that Junsu was worthless, that he was ugly and nobody wanted him. He even told Junsu that the pianist was just a toy, a kind of man whore for the rich, had stepped on Junsu’s dignity… All because of what he now finally could identify as jealousy.
The one he loved thought that no one loved him, because Changmin had made him think so, in a cruel way.
How stupid could he be?
Tears flowed from his eyes and before long he was sobbing in Yuri’s arms. How was he to atone for all of this? How was he to have Junsu back again? The pain was eating him and he needed Junsu, but the pianist probably would never return to him. The thought was like a thousand cuts at his heart.
End 45