RP LOG with 1twntyovreighty | Maternal Instinct
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Thanksgiving and motorcycles.
It was all that seemed to be able to rush through Carla's mind as she drove as fast as she could without getting arrested to Miami. The last time she had spoken to Chris on the phone, he had told her both he and Rick were coming for Thanksgiving, and made a joke about trying not to give her too much of a heart attack when they got on their motorcyles to drive around the property at full throttle. They had repeatedly given her a stroke with that when they were in their teens, and she was repeatedly yelling at them or chastising them for not being more careful. It was how it had been since she had given birth to them. They were always little rough nuts, always on the go, always getting into something or another. Life had never been easy. Never. But they dealt with it, and there were even some nice memories along the way. Just not as many as there should be. She knew she failed them. They should have been happy boys, and should never have had to go through the pain they did, but it was beyond her power of control. At least, she thought it was. She was mentally suppressed with it all. She never knew she could just easily divorce the bastard until Chris was standing in the living room at twenty two years old begging her to finally get out and save herself from the pain. She stood there and listened, bloody and bruised after yet another encounter with their father following the news they were about to lose the house. She could still hear the sound of Chris vomiting in the drive from shock at the condition she was in right before he took her to the ER to get patched up. It was sitting on the side of a hospital gurney with that clinical smell prominent that she decided it was time to claim her life back... albeit, with her youngest son's help.
Things had looked up from then, but relationships were damaged. The boys didn't live in Lake Wimico anymore, and seeing them often was difficult. Often Rick would disappear for months on end and she stopped worrying about him long ago. He always seemed to land on his feet. Chris kept in touch, even if he wasn't able to visit often. She didn't earn a lot of money, so she couldn't afford to trip to Miami a lot to visit him. The split between brothers just seemed to continue to grow to the point it didn't seem to be able to be salvaged. She stopped asking them about that too. A lot of things in their family just stopped, and before they knew it, time just kept ticking by.
But a mom's biggest and most terrifying nightmare was always that they were going to get a call one day out of the blue to say her children were in danger. Were ill or injured... or worse. Carla just always tried to keep it at the back of her mind. Chris had a love for intense sports, and after his skiiing injury, it became harder to push that to the back of her mind. Rick always seemed to be in trouble, but she never had the resources to help him. In fact, she was more than aware that she probably didn't know half of what he had actually gotten into, and it was probably better that way. She loved both of her sons to a painful degree, but Rick was always just out of her clutches. He never seemed to need her very much. Neither of them really did.
Now here she was, though. Walking numbly through an ICU in Miami with a sombre nurse beside her. She felt like she was going to pass out or be sick, and there was an odd ringing in her ears. And that smell. It drew her right back to that night in the ER. She hated it. But she had no choice but to tolerate it. All she got was confirmation the boys were here. No other information. It was a miracle she was still upright. It was even a battle to actually get into the ICU. About all they didn't want off her was blood in proving she was their mother. It shouldn't be that hard. She was led to a room and tried not to look into the other bays containing seriously sick patients. How could both her boys be in a condition to be here? The nurse quietly gestured to an entry to the next bay and Carla forced her feet to move there. Seeing Rick, though... it wasn't something she could prepare herself, no matter how hard she tried on the eight hour journey here. She just stood there and looked at him lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines. All she could do was stare, putting a shaky hand up to her mouth, words failing her.
Rick had been trying to sleep, but in hospital for the most part he had learned to be a light sleeper. It was only when he thought he was safe - usually with Chris, or Bella in his room that he ever let himself relax enough to fall into a deep sleep. There was no Chris here and Bella had left a while ago. He had assumed it was another nurse coming to check on him, but all he could do was stare back when he saw it was his mom. He just lay there in the bed trying to work out how she even got there, or why and then he just held out his arms in a silent request for a hug. "Mom," he choked out.
Never, in his whole life, had Carla seen her eldest son looking this ill. Sure, the boys had been ill over the years, had been injured, covered in dirt, crying... all the things typical boys did. But this was different. She hadn't seen him in months, but she was still his mom. She could see how much weight he had lost, could see the colour in his face. He was sick, and at first, she just couldn't process that information without knowing more. She went over to him and wrapped her arms around him. She could feel the wires and tubes, and she had no idea why he was here, so she didn't hold him too tight. The tears inevitably came then, and she brushed her hand over his head, stroking his hair with a shaky hand. "Oh my baby..." she sobbed quietly and kissed his temple. "What is going on here? What has happened? I just got this call... I... were you in an accident?"
Rick shook his head before he let out a rough sigh, his eyes closing at the hug. She still smelt like his mom. He didn't even really know exactly what it was she smelled of, but it was just her. It was his mom. No one ever smelt the same as she did. He reached up to touch her hair briefly just to check that she was really there and he wasn't just dreaming. "No, Mom. It wasn't an accident. It was... I, ah... I have cancer. Kidney cancer. There's this great big long way of saying it, but it boils down to kidney cancer. I had one removed, but it was too late and it just kept growing and then the second one got infected and they had to take that out too." He stopped for a moment as he felt the tears build and had to bite down on his lip to gather himself for the next part. He knew he was skipping out on a lot of details, but he figured his mom would just want the important parts for now. "I'm only here because Chris gave me one of his kidneys... I had a transplant. But, Mom, Chris is... He's... something went wrong."
Carla pulled back a little and stared at him in shock. Her hand was gripped around the rail of his bed and her teary blue eyes just searched over his face. He had to be joking. He had to be. Cancer? Losing kidneys? Transplants? She didn't know how she was supposed to take any of this, but even worse of it all was she was hearing just how much he hadn't told her. "Do you not know how to use a phone?!" she snapped hoarsely and had to take a step back to put a hand over her face and fight a wave of dizziness. Her mind hadn't even gotten to the mention of Chris yet. It was taking some time to catch up. "What have I done to deserve this? I know I'm a bad mother, but to not even tell me you have cancer, Rick? Cancer! Two kidneys, gone! And... and... Chris?" she finally gasped, looking back at him. "Chris is... he..." Both her sons hadn't told her this. The enormity of it was too much to bear and she had to sit down heavily in the seat nearby when her legs wanted to give way and refused to hold her upright any longer. She choked on another sob when it got too much. For a few moments, she couldn't even look at him.
"Mom, I'm sorry," Rick whispered as he reached out to try and touch her shoulder. It was difficult though when his movement was still so restricted. "I was just... My head was up my ass, and I know it. It took Dave to get me here. When I found out about the cancer I was in denial. I didn't want to believe it, so I just ignored it. I couldn't even tell Chris let alone you. I had someone else tell him for me. Then I came back and had this stupid experimental surgery and it just made it worse... I fucked up. I know I fucked up." He found the bed control and got himself up into more of a sitting position and rubbed his hand over his face. "Something went wrong with his surgery and there was a lot of blood loss. His... his heart stopped. The doctors had to induce a coma to make sure he can heal properly. He's still in isolation while they keep away from infections and stuff. He'll be okay, Mom. He has to be."
All Carla wanted to do was sit there and sob. Hearing one of her sons had cancer was hard enough, but to hear that the other was seriously ill also? Blood loss, heart stopped. She just shook her and tried to wipe the tears away, but more came. She still couldn't look at him. In fact, she was looking at the end of his bed and trying to somehow get all of this through her head. She would have been demanding to see her little boy by now if she didn't actually catch the isolation part. She also needed more information, she just had to try and function without yelling at her eldest son for being so stupid. She was still his mom, and she still struggled not to chastise him, even if he was beyond thirty years old. "Sorry isn't going to cut it this time, Rick," she told him sharply, looking back at him as she once again wiped at her cheeks with her fingers. "I had to hear this from someone called... Drew? Serena? They called me. I don't even know who they are, and I have them calling me and telling me you're both in hospital. Were you hoping I would be psychic and deduce the information myself? I can ignore not being told your little brother has bailed you out of jail, I can ignore when you write yourself off with alcohol, I can ignore when you don't contact me for months. But this? This is not on, Rick! I knew you would hurt your brother one day beyond your control, I just prayed that day would really never come. Where, in your mind, could you possibly have fathomed that not alerting me to the fact you had cancer was a good idea? Did you tell Chris not to tell me?"
He shook his head as he shrunk down a little in the bed. His family were the only ones that could ever reduce Rick to feeling so small he just wanted the bed to swallow him up whole. He considered avoiding his mother's gaze, but he deserved her anger. He knew he did. He should have called her a long time ago, but time had passed by so quickly that he just assumed it was easier to not keep contact. He'd tricked himself into thinking that picking up the phone would just make things worse. "Drew is Serena's brother. Serena is the resident on Chris' trauma team... She's his... his girlfriend. Mom, I know sorry won't cut it, but I am sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. I just didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't even want to ask Chris for the kidney, but it became a life or death thing. I wasn't ready to die." He started to cry as his bottom lip trembled. "Jesus, not again..." He was sick of the crying. He hadn't cried so much in his entire life. Even when he saw how bad his dad could get he had stopped crying. There hadn't been any point to it. Crying was never going to get him a better father. "I'm not ready for Chris to die now."
No matter how angry and hurt she was, Rick was still her son. No mother liked seeing their children upset. She got herself up off the chair again and was back to hugging him in a heartbeat. She dug around in her bag for a small pack of Kleenex and handed them to him. "Girlfriend... I don't even..." She once again struggled to come up with words. Nothing seemed enough. She couldn't process anything about Chris until she saw him, and she fully intended on tracking down this Serena and Drew, if she could. She needed more pieces of the puzzle to put them together and see what she had previously been kept in the dark about. Not only did her oldest son not want to tell her he had cancer, but her youngest didn't want to tell her he was in a relationship. There couldn't be more wrong with this picture if someone was writing a Hollywood drama. She thought she had kept the lines of communication open to her sons the best she could, but obviously not good enough. Maybe continuously telling them both to call her and that she was there if they needed her just wasn't enough. Or maybe they just really didn't need her. That thought cut deep in her heart and she had to swallow back both another sob and an urge to throw up. But what took the cake was hearing about dying. Just how close the shave had been, she didn't know, but any close shave was bad enough. "Don't. Don't say that. I will not have my boys losing any hope. We got this far, we can get through more. Okay? I don't care what it takes." She took his hand and squeezed it softly. "Tell me more. I need to know more, Rick. Have you had chemo?" It was when she looked at his head for any signs of her query that she realised his hair was thinning, and where she had rubbed her fingers through it, thick strands of it were left on the pillow. She didn't even know if he was aware of the fact. "Oh... Rick..." she whispered when the enormity of what he was saying finally set in.
Rick just squeezed her hand as best he could before he pulled her in for another hug. Now that his mom was here he couldn't imagine her not being there. It was strange that he hadn't let himself admit just how much he needed her until she was right there in front of him. He felt like the worst son for not telling her he had cancer. And it was strange to think that Drew and Serena had had the courage to call Carla Deleo when her sons hadn't. He made a mental note to thank them. For now he was still ignorant of the hair loss, and just nodded his head against her shoulder. "I've had some... I needed the transplant before they could do more. I have a really good doctor. She's... she's amazing." And carrying his kid, but Rick wasn't sure his mom was quite up to that bombshell yet. "I missed you."
Carla kissed his head, almost wishing she could hold his hair in place, and that would somehow stop him having cancer. This really was all her worst nightmares coming true. She never wanted either of her boys seriously sick. "I missed you too. I always miss you, I miss both of you," she told him softly and stroked his cheek with her fingers. It was a relief to hear he had a really good doctor. It was a start. Any start was better than none in trying to cope with this. "Chris, he's... he's been taking care of you?" she guessed, knowing it was probably inevitable. "I'm glad you have each other. I always wanted that for you. It was just hard for you both to see the forest through the trees. You were always at each other's throats. I lost count of the amount of times I had Chris sitting sullenly at the kitchen table after one of your fights. I just wish it hadn't taken this to get here," she added, her voice breaking.
"You think I wanted it to take something like this either? I didn't. I don't want him dying for me. I didn't want him to have to give up something like a kidney. I've already taken too much from him." Rick's head fell back against the pillow, but he held his mom's hand as he looked at her. "But he's been here... He wanted to take care of me. But now he's... His heart stopped. I haven't even been able to really see him for more than a couple of minutes and he just had all these tubes and everything. He, ah, he wanted Dave to be his medical proxy but he put me as next of kin. Apparently I'm meant to be calling shots, but there haven't been any to call. Except for making sure Serena can sit in with him, and that she gets told everything I do. We do," he corrected as he gave his mom's hand a squeeze. "You need to meet her, Mom. She's something. And she loves Chris a lot. You need to meet Proctor, too. And Bella."
Carla sighed shakily and took one of the tissues to wipe her eyes. "I need to see him. I need to talk to his doctors. No more secrets. I've had it with you two and your secrecy. This has gone too far. You are talking of this Serena as if it is serious, and I didn't even know he was seeing someone. Last I heard, he was joking about everyone hooking him up with Eva, the girl he worked with. Has he really got a keen liking for all his female colleagues? I am missing something here. I am missing a lot of things. I need to know exactly what has happened. I'm still your mother. Bella? Is she your girlfriend? Have you both gone and gotten girlfriends without telling me?" She went to stroke his hair again, but she hesitated and squeezed his shoulder instead.
Rick took in the hesitation this time, but he didn't want to think about his hair. He didn't want to know he was losing it. He still needed a little denial to survive. "No, no. Bella's my doctor. Bella Watson the Oncologist. Eva and Chris are just friends. He's never wanted to date her, or be with her. He's only got a keen liking for Serena and it's more than that. I didn't even know he hadn't told you. They've been keeping it secret for a while since he's technically her boss. He loves her, Mom. I'm sorry you had to find out from me. Do you want me to get a nurse in here so you can ask to see the doctors?"
"You said Dave was his medical proxy?" Carla felt a little relief at this, though it only lasted briefly. She pressed her lips together in an attempt to stop another wave of tears. Needing a medical proxy meant Chris was in absolutely no condition to call the shots himself. Her baby boy was in a bad way and she felt an intense shiver wrack her whole body. She would give anything to swap positions with either of them. "Soon, I... it should have been me giving you that kidney, Rick. I should be the one protecting you both."
Rick shook his head as he looked at her with the tears still running down his face. "No, Mom. No. You've already suffered enough for us. Okay? With everything with Dad, you didn't need to be put through a transplant. You don't need to get cut open like that. There's no guarantee that you would have been a match anyway. I'm just glad you're here. Even if I should have called you myself. Just protect us by being here, okay? Please..."
"I gave birth to both of you. It is my job to take care of you, and I wish to god you would just let me sometimes!" Carla cried in frustration. "Instead you say it's okay for your little brother to be cut open? I am so unbelievably glad he did to save your life, but I should have had that chance to try. Some of this could have been prevented. If you had told me you were sick, I would have had you to a good doctor as soon as I knew. Now I have both of you in an intensive care unit, and I have no idea how I am even begin to understand that and to cope with it." She cupped his face in her hands and rested her forehead against his. "Please tell me your doctor hasn't told you that you're dying. Please, I need some hope here. I can't lose my boys. I can't. I won't."
Rick just sat quietly through his mother's frustrated words. He didn't know what to say. He hadn't even considered that his mom would want to give up her kidney. But then he hadn't even wanted to believe Chris would be willing to be cut open. He didn't know how many different ways he could explain that he had wanted it, but not wanted it. He hadn't wanted Chris to be in any danger and now Rick was the one awake and in better shape than his little brother. It didn't seem right. He gave a small shake of his head. "No, she hasn't. She just needed the transplant to happen so I wasn't stuck on dialysis. This is my best chance. The chemo will start up again soon... She has hope. You can have it, too."
Carla knew she had to be in shock. There was a funny tingling feeling over her skin and her heart was racing a mile a minute. She wiped her eyes with the tissue again and internally fought to keep her emotions reigned in so she didn't upset her son. She was terrified of being taken to see her baby boy, too. She wanted to run there and see with her own eyes how he was, but the maternal instinct was telling her Rick needed her here for the moment. Hopefully Chris was in good hands. It was going to be hard to flatly trust anyone with her boys. She was already suspicious of everyone Rick had mentioned so far. Even the girlfriends and the good doctors. She tried to swallow back the lump taking residence in her throat, but it was impossible. She just went back to stroking his hair like she used to do with both boys when they were young and poorly. "I love you, sweetheart. No matter what, I always have and I always will. You need to know that," she told him in a hushed voice. "How were you with the chemo? Did you cope okay?"
Rick smiled at his mom crookedly before he gave a nod. "Well, that's a good thing. Since I fucked up a lot. But I love you, Mom. I always have. And you need to know that. Even when I'm being an asshole." Rick turned his head so he could look up at the ceiling as he sighed. He didn't even know where to start with that question. He just wanted to forget what it felt like to be on chemo and he really didn't want to go back into surgery ever again. "No, I didn't. I thought I had... I thought I was in the clear, but then it just hit me and Chris had to be the one to pick up the pieces. Even, um... Even Bella had to watch me."
Carla shook her head. "I don't care how much you have screwed up. You're still my son. I can't say I would be opposed to a little less screwing up and more of having you to dinner, and maybe a little more regular on the phone calls, but I take what I can get. I know you boys are busy, I understand that, and I'm so proud of you both." She busied her hands fixing his covers and smoothing them out gently over his stomach just to give her something to do, even if it wasn't helping so much. "I'm glad he's been taking care of you. You shouldn't be alone with something like this and he's always had your back, no matter how much you bicker and bitch at each other. You mention your doctor a lot. She's touched you on some level. It's almost like..." But she didn't continue that thought, just waved her hand a little and shook her head. "It's important you trust your doctor. It has probably been a feat enough to even get you treatment. I know how stubborn you are Rick Deleo. You didn't even want to come out when I had you. Chris, right out in about forty five minutes. You had me in agony for thirty hours. I still remember exactly how I felt the minute I got to hold you for the first time. You were the best thing I ever did."
Rick's eyes welled up again and he almost wanted to curse his mother for having this effect. And he wanted to be able to tell her everything about Bella, but he just couldn't. Not yet. He was all too aware of how hard it had to be for his mom to just take in the fact that he had cancer, Chris was in trouble and there were girlfriends and people she'd never met. "It's still something we're learning... Something we're working on. We did at least get to the point where we could have conversations without driving each other crazy. We even managed to just hang out and watch movies. It was a long time since we did that. I really did miss Chris." Rick held his hands up as he laughed a little. "Hey, hey. I've tried my best. I only wanted to fight them when it came to finding out the side effects of the chemo. I just... I was scared. It made me think about the stuff I always kinda wanted but never thought I could have. Now I probably still won't have it."
"That makes me really happy to hear, sweetheart. I wasn't sure it would ever happen. If I didn't know for a fact I had given birth to you both, I really would have wondered sometimes if you both had the same blood. A fact your father did often wonder... He liked to question if Chris was his when he was in one of his rages," Carla admitted quietly as she took a tissue from the pack and gently wiped his cheeks for him. "Chemo is a scary and confronting thing, baby. No one ever wants to think about themselves with cancer. We read about the stories, see it on TV. It's the ultimate thing to fear, isn't it? But you're here. You got through it, even if you had to lean on Chris to manage it. You know it's okay to stop and think that maybe you want to make changes in your life you didn't know you wanted before. Often it takes other people to pull us back in and open our eyes up to things we want. What things do you want that you think you won't have?"
Rick bared his teeth as he made an angry noise at hearing about his father. Just when he thought he couldn't be even more disappointed in the guy it turns out he had a bee in his drunken bonnet about Chris' parentage. He still wanted to beat their dad up for being such an asshole. An even bigger one than Rick could ever be. He had always been scared about turning into him, and maybe the cancer really was the thing he needed to pull him back and really make him stop and think. "I got through the first round. I still need to get through more. I want... I want a family. I don't just want casual. I want something that means something... I want the real deal. I want to be a better dad than ours."
Carla gave Rick's shoulder a soft squeeze, not missing the anger that passed his face. "It's okay, sweetheart. You know how he was with Chris. Chris couldn't do anything to please him. He liked to indulge in fantasies that Chris wasn't his to explain it away. He was messed up, we know that. Now he isn't anyone we have to think about. It's over. You don't need to worry about that right now. You would never be the father he was, Rick. Never. You're a better man than that. I know you haven't found life all that easy, and I know you have felt a lot like you've been in Chris' shadow a lot of the time... that you could do no right, and he always fixed that. Baby, he just loves you. Maybe now is your chance to turn things around. I think he--" The emotion caught up in her again and she blinked back some more tears. "I think he's really going to need you after this. You probably think he has never needed you before, but he has, Rick. He's always needed you to be his big brother. You just were never sure how to do that. You can do it now. I know you want a family, sweetheart, but don't forget you already have one here that needs you too. We'll help see you through this."
Rick caught his mother's hand again as he held it to his chest and just nodded. He was all too aware at that moment that how much Chris would need him, but he just didn't know where to start when he was still stuck in his hospital bed. He looked at his mom and bit down on the inside of his cheek before he took a deep breath. "I'm just really sorry it took this long, Mom. I never meant for... I never meant for it to get so out of control."
Carla leaned in and gave him another gentle hug and kissed his temple. "Shhh... you don't have to apologise, Rick. No one is perfect. You just need to get better, let that wonderful doctor of yours do her job and we'll all do whatever it takes to get Chris back to us. And I'll try my best not to interrogate his girlfriend about her intentions to my baby boy," she added as an afterthought.
Word Count | 5,398
Thanksgiving and motorcycles.
It was all that seemed to be able to rush through Carla's mind as she drove as fast as she could without getting arrested to Miami. The last time she had spoken to Chris on the phone, he had told her both he and Rick were coming for Thanksgiving, and made a joke about trying not to give her too much of a heart attack when they got on their motorcyles to drive around the property at full throttle. They had repeatedly given her a stroke with that when they were in their teens, and she was repeatedly yelling at them or chastising them for not being more careful. It was how it had been since she had given birth to them. They were always little rough nuts, always on the go, always getting into something or another. Life had never been easy. Never. But they dealt with it, and there were even some nice memories along the way. Just not as many as there should be. She knew she failed them. They should have been happy boys, and should never have had to go through the pain they did, but it was beyond her power of control. At least, she thought it was. She was mentally suppressed with it all. She never knew she could just easily divorce the bastard until Chris was standing in the living room at twenty two years old begging her to finally get out and save herself from the pain. She stood there and listened, bloody and bruised after yet another encounter with their father following the news they were about to lose the house. She could still hear the sound of Chris vomiting in the drive from shock at the condition she was in right before he took her to the ER to get patched up. It was sitting on the side of a hospital gurney with that clinical smell prominent that she decided it was time to claim her life back... albeit, with her youngest son's help.
Things had looked up from then, but relationships were damaged. The boys didn't live in Lake Wimico anymore, and seeing them often was difficult. Often Rick would disappear for months on end and she stopped worrying about him long ago. He always seemed to land on his feet. Chris kept in touch, even if he wasn't able to visit often. She didn't earn a lot of money, so she couldn't afford to trip to Miami a lot to visit him. The split between brothers just seemed to continue to grow to the point it didn't seem to be able to be salvaged. She stopped asking them about that too. A lot of things in their family just stopped, and before they knew it, time just kept ticking by.
But a mom's biggest and most terrifying nightmare was always that they were going to get a call one day out of the blue to say her children were in danger. Were ill or injured... or worse. Carla just always tried to keep it at the back of her mind. Chris had a love for intense sports, and after his skiiing injury, it became harder to push that to the back of her mind. Rick always seemed to be in trouble, but she never had the resources to help him. In fact, she was more than aware that she probably didn't know half of what he had actually gotten into, and it was probably better that way. She loved both of her sons to a painful degree, but Rick was always just out of her clutches. He never seemed to need her very much. Neither of them really did.
Now here she was, though. Walking numbly through an ICU in Miami with a sombre nurse beside her. She felt like she was going to pass out or be sick, and there was an odd ringing in her ears. And that smell. It drew her right back to that night in the ER. She hated it. But she had no choice but to tolerate it. All she got was confirmation the boys were here. No other information. It was a miracle she was still upright. It was even a battle to actually get into the ICU. About all they didn't want off her was blood in proving she was their mother. It shouldn't be that hard. She was led to a room and tried not to look into the other bays containing seriously sick patients. How could both her boys be in a condition to be here? The nurse quietly gestured to an entry to the next bay and Carla forced her feet to move there. Seeing Rick, though... it wasn't something she could prepare herself, no matter how hard she tried on the eight hour journey here. She just stood there and looked at him lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines. All she could do was stare, putting a shaky hand up to her mouth, words failing her.
Rick had been trying to sleep, but in hospital for the most part he had learned to be a light sleeper. It was only when he thought he was safe - usually with Chris, or Bella in his room that he ever let himself relax enough to fall into a deep sleep. There was no Chris here and Bella had left a while ago. He had assumed it was another nurse coming to check on him, but all he could do was stare back when he saw it was his mom. He just lay there in the bed trying to work out how she even got there, or why and then he just held out his arms in a silent request for a hug. "Mom," he choked out.
Never, in his whole life, had Carla seen her eldest son looking this ill. Sure, the boys had been ill over the years, had been injured, covered in dirt, crying... all the things typical boys did. But this was different. She hadn't seen him in months, but she was still his mom. She could see how much weight he had lost, could see the colour in his face. He was sick, and at first, she just couldn't process that information without knowing more. She went over to him and wrapped her arms around him. She could feel the wires and tubes, and she had no idea why he was here, so she didn't hold him too tight. The tears inevitably came then, and she brushed her hand over his head, stroking his hair with a shaky hand. "Oh my baby..." she sobbed quietly and kissed his temple. "What is going on here? What has happened? I just got this call... I... were you in an accident?"
Rick shook his head before he let out a rough sigh, his eyes closing at the hug. She still smelt like his mom. He didn't even really know exactly what it was she smelled of, but it was just her. It was his mom. No one ever smelt the same as she did. He reached up to touch her hair briefly just to check that she was really there and he wasn't just dreaming. "No, Mom. It wasn't an accident. It was... I, ah... I have cancer. Kidney cancer. There's this great big long way of saying it, but it boils down to kidney cancer. I had one removed, but it was too late and it just kept growing and then the second one got infected and they had to take that out too." He stopped for a moment as he felt the tears build and had to bite down on his lip to gather himself for the next part. He knew he was skipping out on a lot of details, but he figured his mom would just want the important parts for now. "I'm only here because Chris gave me one of his kidneys... I had a transplant. But, Mom, Chris is... He's... something went wrong."
Carla pulled back a little and stared at him in shock. Her hand was gripped around the rail of his bed and her teary blue eyes just searched over his face. He had to be joking. He had to be. Cancer? Losing kidneys? Transplants? She didn't know how she was supposed to take any of this, but even worse of it all was she was hearing just how much he hadn't told her. "Do you not know how to use a phone?!" she snapped hoarsely and had to take a step back to put a hand over her face and fight a wave of dizziness. Her mind hadn't even gotten to the mention of Chris yet. It was taking some time to catch up. "What have I done to deserve this? I know I'm a bad mother, but to not even tell me you have cancer, Rick? Cancer! Two kidneys, gone! And... and... Chris?" she finally gasped, looking back at him. "Chris is... he..." Both her sons hadn't told her this. The enormity of it was too much to bear and she had to sit down heavily in the seat nearby when her legs wanted to give way and refused to hold her upright any longer. She choked on another sob when it got too much. For a few moments, she couldn't even look at him.
"Mom, I'm sorry," Rick whispered as he reached out to try and touch her shoulder. It was difficult though when his movement was still so restricted. "I was just... My head was up my ass, and I know it. It took Dave to get me here. When I found out about the cancer I was in denial. I didn't want to believe it, so I just ignored it. I couldn't even tell Chris let alone you. I had someone else tell him for me. Then I came back and had this stupid experimental surgery and it just made it worse... I fucked up. I know I fucked up." He found the bed control and got himself up into more of a sitting position and rubbed his hand over his face. "Something went wrong with his surgery and there was a lot of blood loss. His... his heart stopped. The doctors had to induce a coma to make sure he can heal properly. He's still in isolation while they keep away from infections and stuff. He'll be okay, Mom. He has to be."
All Carla wanted to do was sit there and sob. Hearing one of her sons had cancer was hard enough, but to hear that the other was seriously ill also? Blood loss, heart stopped. She just shook her and tried to wipe the tears away, but more came. She still couldn't look at him. In fact, she was looking at the end of his bed and trying to somehow get all of this through her head. She would have been demanding to see her little boy by now if she didn't actually catch the isolation part. She also needed more information, she just had to try and function without yelling at her eldest son for being so stupid. She was still his mom, and she still struggled not to chastise him, even if he was beyond thirty years old. "Sorry isn't going to cut it this time, Rick," she told him sharply, looking back at him as she once again wiped at her cheeks with her fingers. "I had to hear this from someone called... Drew? Serena? They called me. I don't even know who they are, and I have them calling me and telling me you're both in hospital. Were you hoping I would be psychic and deduce the information myself? I can ignore not being told your little brother has bailed you out of jail, I can ignore when you write yourself off with alcohol, I can ignore when you don't contact me for months. But this? This is not on, Rick! I knew you would hurt your brother one day beyond your control, I just prayed that day would really never come. Where, in your mind, could you possibly have fathomed that not alerting me to the fact you had cancer was a good idea? Did you tell Chris not to tell me?"
He shook his head as he shrunk down a little in the bed. His family were the only ones that could ever reduce Rick to feeling so small he just wanted the bed to swallow him up whole. He considered avoiding his mother's gaze, but he deserved her anger. He knew he did. He should have called her a long time ago, but time had passed by so quickly that he just assumed it was easier to not keep contact. He'd tricked himself into thinking that picking up the phone would just make things worse. "Drew is Serena's brother. Serena is the resident on Chris' trauma team... She's his... his girlfriend. Mom, I know sorry won't cut it, but I am sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. I just didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't even want to ask Chris for the kidney, but it became a life or death thing. I wasn't ready to die." He started to cry as his bottom lip trembled. "Jesus, not again..." He was sick of the crying. He hadn't cried so much in his entire life. Even when he saw how bad his dad could get he had stopped crying. There hadn't been any point to it. Crying was never going to get him a better father. "I'm not ready for Chris to die now."
No matter how angry and hurt she was, Rick was still her son. No mother liked seeing their children upset. She got herself up off the chair again and was back to hugging him in a heartbeat. She dug around in her bag for a small pack of Kleenex and handed them to him. "Girlfriend... I don't even..." She once again struggled to come up with words. Nothing seemed enough. She couldn't process anything about Chris until she saw him, and she fully intended on tracking down this Serena and Drew, if she could. She needed more pieces of the puzzle to put them together and see what she had previously been kept in the dark about. Not only did her oldest son not want to tell her he had cancer, but her youngest didn't want to tell her he was in a relationship. There couldn't be more wrong with this picture if someone was writing a Hollywood drama. She thought she had kept the lines of communication open to her sons the best she could, but obviously not good enough. Maybe continuously telling them both to call her and that she was there if they needed her just wasn't enough. Or maybe they just really didn't need her. That thought cut deep in her heart and she had to swallow back both another sob and an urge to throw up. But what took the cake was hearing about dying. Just how close the shave had been, she didn't know, but any close shave was bad enough. "Don't. Don't say that. I will not have my boys losing any hope. We got this far, we can get through more. Okay? I don't care what it takes." She took his hand and squeezed it softly. "Tell me more. I need to know more, Rick. Have you had chemo?" It was when she looked at his head for any signs of her query that she realised his hair was thinning, and where she had rubbed her fingers through it, thick strands of it were left on the pillow. She didn't even know if he was aware of the fact. "Oh... Rick..." she whispered when the enormity of what he was saying finally set in.
Rick just squeezed her hand as best he could before he pulled her in for another hug. Now that his mom was here he couldn't imagine her not being there. It was strange that he hadn't let himself admit just how much he needed her until she was right there in front of him. He felt like the worst son for not telling her he had cancer. And it was strange to think that Drew and Serena had had the courage to call Carla Deleo when her sons hadn't. He made a mental note to thank them. For now he was still ignorant of the hair loss, and just nodded his head against her shoulder. "I've had some... I needed the transplant before they could do more. I have a really good doctor. She's... she's amazing." And carrying his kid, but Rick wasn't sure his mom was quite up to that bombshell yet. "I missed you."
Carla kissed his head, almost wishing she could hold his hair in place, and that would somehow stop him having cancer. This really was all her worst nightmares coming true. She never wanted either of her boys seriously sick. "I missed you too. I always miss you, I miss both of you," she told him softly and stroked his cheek with her fingers. It was a relief to hear he had a really good doctor. It was a start. Any start was better than none in trying to cope with this. "Chris, he's... he's been taking care of you?" she guessed, knowing it was probably inevitable. "I'm glad you have each other. I always wanted that for you. It was just hard for you both to see the forest through the trees. You were always at each other's throats. I lost count of the amount of times I had Chris sitting sullenly at the kitchen table after one of your fights. I just wish it hadn't taken this to get here," she added, her voice breaking.
"You think I wanted it to take something like this either? I didn't. I don't want him dying for me. I didn't want him to have to give up something like a kidney. I've already taken too much from him." Rick's head fell back against the pillow, but he held his mom's hand as he looked at her. "But he's been here... He wanted to take care of me. But now he's... His heart stopped. I haven't even been able to really see him for more than a couple of minutes and he just had all these tubes and everything. He, ah, he wanted Dave to be his medical proxy but he put me as next of kin. Apparently I'm meant to be calling shots, but there haven't been any to call. Except for making sure Serena can sit in with him, and that she gets told everything I do. We do," he corrected as he gave his mom's hand a squeeze. "You need to meet her, Mom. She's something. And she loves Chris a lot. You need to meet Proctor, too. And Bella."
Carla sighed shakily and took one of the tissues to wipe her eyes. "I need to see him. I need to talk to his doctors. No more secrets. I've had it with you two and your secrecy. This has gone too far. You are talking of this Serena as if it is serious, and I didn't even know he was seeing someone. Last I heard, he was joking about everyone hooking him up with Eva, the girl he worked with. Has he really got a keen liking for all his female colleagues? I am missing something here. I am missing a lot of things. I need to know exactly what has happened. I'm still your mother. Bella? Is she your girlfriend? Have you both gone and gotten girlfriends without telling me?" She went to stroke his hair again, but she hesitated and squeezed his shoulder instead.
Rick took in the hesitation this time, but he didn't want to think about his hair. He didn't want to know he was losing it. He still needed a little denial to survive. "No, no. Bella's my doctor. Bella Watson the Oncologist. Eva and Chris are just friends. He's never wanted to date her, or be with her. He's only got a keen liking for Serena and it's more than that. I didn't even know he hadn't told you. They've been keeping it secret for a while since he's technically her boss. He loves her, Mom. I'm sorry you had to find out from me. Do you want me to get a nurse in here so you can ask to see the doctors?"
"You said Dave was his medical proxy?" Carla felt a little relief at this, though it only lasted briefly. She pressed her lips together in an attempt to stop another wave of tears. Needing a medical proxy meant Chris was in absolutely no condition to call the shots himself. Her baby boy was in a bad way and she felt an intense shiver wrack her whole body. She would give anything to swap positions with either of them. "Soon, I... it should have been me giving you that kidney, Rick. I should be the one protecting you both."
Rick shook his head as he looked at her with the tears still running down his face. "No, Mom. No. You've already suffered enough for us. Okay? With everything with Dad, you didn't need to be put through a transplant. You don't need to get cut open like that. There's no guarantee that you would have been a match anyway. I'm just glad you're here. Even if I should have called you myself. Just protect us by being here, okay? Please..."
"I gave birth to both of you. It is my job to take care of you, and I wish to god you would just let me sometimes!" Carla cried in frustration. "Instead you say it's okay for your little brother to be cut open? I am so unbelievably glad he did to save your life, but I should have had that chance to try. Some of this could have been prevented. If you had told me you were sick, I would have had you to a good doctor as soon as I knew. Now I have both of you in an intensive care unit, and I have no idea how I am even begin to understand that and to cope with it." She cupped his face in her hands and rested her forehead against his. "Please tell me your doctor hasn't told you that you're dying. Please, I need some hope here. I can't lose my boys. I can't. I won't."
Rick just sat quietly through his mother's frustrated words. He didn't know what to say. He hadn't even considered that his mom would want to give up her kidney. But then he hadn't even wanted to believe Chris would be willing to be cut open. He didn't know how many different ways he could explain that he had wanted it, but not wanted it. He hadn't wanted Chris to be in any danger and now Rick was the one awake and in better shape than his little brother. It didn't seem right. He gave a small shake of his head. "No, she hasn't. She just needed the transplant to happen so I wasn't stuck on dialysis. This is my best chance. The chemo will start up again soon... She has hope. You can have it, too."
Carla knew she had to be in shock. There was a funny tingling feeling over her skin and her heart was racing a mile a minute. She wiped her eyes with the tissue again and internally fought to keep her emotions reigned in so she didn't upset her son. She was terrified of being taken to see her baby boy, too. She wanted to run there and see with her own eyes how he was, but the maternal instinct was telling her Rick needed her here for the moment. Hopefully Chris was in good hands. It was going to be hard to flatly trust anyone with her boys. She was already suspicious of everyone Rick had mentioned so far. Even the girlfriends and the good doctors. She tried to swallow back the lump taking residence in her throat, but it was impossible. She just went back to stroking his hair like she used to do with both boys when they were young and poorly. "I love you, sweetheart. No matter what, I always have and I always will. You need to know that," she told him in a hushed voice. "How were you with the chemo? Did you cope okay?"
Rick smiled at his mom crookedly before he gave a nod. "Well, that's a good thing. Since I fucked up a lot. But I love you, Mom. I always have. And you need to know that. Even when I'm being an asshole." Rick turned his head so he could look up at the ceiling as he sighed. He didn't even know where to start with that question. He just wanted to forget what it felt like to be on chemo and he really didn't want to go back into surgery ever again. "No, I didn't. I thought I had... I thought I was in the clear, but then it just hit me and Chris had to be the one to pick up the pieces. Even, um... Even Bella had to watch me."
Carla shook her head. "I don't care how much you have screwed up. You're still my son. I can't say I would be opposed to a little less screwing up and more of having you to dinner, and maybe a little more regular on the phone calls, but I take what I can get. I know you boys are busy, I understand that, and I'm so proud of you both." She busied her hands fixing his covers and smoothing them out gently over his stomach just to give her something to do, even if it wasn't helping so much. "I'm glad he's been taking care of you. You shouldn't be alone with something like this and he's always had your back, no matter how much you bicker and bitch at each other. You mention your doctor a lot. She's touched you on some level. It's almost like..." But she didn't continue that thought, just waved her hand a little and shook her head. "It's important you trust your doctor. It has probably been a feat enough to even get you treatment. I know how stubborn you are Rick Deleo. You didn't even want to come out when I had you. Chris, right out in about forty five minutes. You had me in agony for thirty hours. I still remember exactly how I felt the minute I got to hold you for the first time. You were the best thing I ever did."
Rick's eyes welled up again and he almost wanted to curse his mother for having this effect. And he wanted to be able to tell her everything about Bella, but he just couldn't. Not yet. He was all too aware of how hard it had to be for his mom to just take in the fact that he had cancer, Chris was in trouble and there were girlfriends and people she'd never met. "It's still something we're learning... Something we're working on. We did at least get to the point where we could have conversations without driving each other crazy. We even managed to just hang out and watch movies. It was a long time since we did that. I really did miss Chris." Rick held his hands up as he laughed a little. "Hey, hey. I've tried my best. I only wanted to fight them when it came to finding out the side effects of the chemo. I just... I was scared. It made me think about the stuff I always kinda wanted but never thought I could have. Now I probably still won't have it."
"That makes me really happy to hear, sweetheart. I wasn't sure it would ever happen. If I didn't know for a fact I had given birth to you both, I really would have wondered sometimes if you both had the same blood. A fact your father did often wonder... He liked to question if Chris was his when he was in one of his rages," Carla admitted quietly as she took a tissue from the pack and gently wiped his cheeks for him. "Chemo is a scary and confronting thing, baby. No one ever wants to think about themselves with cancer. We read about the stories, see it on TV. It's the ultimate thing to fear, isn't it? But you're here. You got through it, even if you had to lean on Chris to manage it. You know it's okay to stop and think that maybe you want to make changes in your life you didn't know you wanted before. Often it takes other people to pull us back in and open our eyes up to things we want. What things do you want that you think you won't have?"
Rick bared his teeth as he made an angry noise at hearing about his father. Just when he thought he couldn't be even more disappointed in the guy it turns out he had a bee in his drunken bonnet about Chris' parentage. He still wanted to beat their dad up for being such an asshole. An even bigger one than Rick could ever be. He had always been scared about turning into him, and maybe the cancer really was the thing he needed to pull him back and really make him stop and think. "I got through the first round. I still need to get through more. I want... I want a family. I don't just want casual. I want something that means something... I want the real deal. I want to be a better dad than ours."
Carla gave Rick's shoulder a soft squeeze, not missing the anger that passed his face. "It's okay, sweetheart. You know how he was with Chris. Chris couldn't do anything to please him. He liked to indulge in fantasies that Chris wasn't his to explain it away. He was messed up, we know that. Now he isn't anyone we have to think about. It's over. You don't need to worry about that right now. You would never be the father he was, Rick. Never. You're a better man than that. I know you haven't found life all that easy, and I know you have felt a lot like you've been in Chris' shadow a lot of the time... that you could do no right, and he always fixed that. Baby, he just loves you. Maybe now is your chance to turn things around. I think he--" The emotion caught up in her again and she blinked back some more tears. "I think he's really going to need you after this. You probably think he has never needed you before, but he has, Rick. He's always needed you to be his big brother. You just were never sure how to do that. You can do it now. I know you want a family, sweetheart, but don't forget you already have one here that needs you too. We'll help see you through this."
Rick caught his mother's hand again as he held it to his chest and just nodded. He was all too aware at that moment that how much Chris would need him, but he just didn't know where to start when he was still stuck in his hospital bed. He looked at his mom and bit down on the inside of his cheek before he took a deep breath. "I'm just really sorry it took this long, Mom. I never meant for... I never meant for it to get so out of control."
Carla leaned in and gave him another gentle hug and kissed his temple. "Shhh... you don't have to apologise, Rick. No one is perfect. You just need to get better, let that wonderful doctor of yours do her job and we'll all do whatever it takes to get Chris back to us. And I'll try my best not to interrogate his girlfriend about her intentions to my baby boy," she added as an afterthought.
Word Count | 5,398