RP LOG with cutandlearn | Desperate times
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Serena really did have to see the amusing side of things. Where once she and Chris had indulged in long showers after being distracted a little too easily during the act of washing each other, she was now relegated to waiting outside his room while he took too long in the shower for other reasons. The nurse had been quite clear on the fact that she wasn't allowed in the room while Chris was bathing. Something to do with another patient and his wife getting into hanky panky and causing the guy to get a head wound from slipping over while getting over excited.
Serena wasn't looking to get Chris hurt. She could have quite easily perved from inside his room and keeping her hands to herself. She might have been back at work, but most of the time she wasn't working she was still hanging around Chris' room like a part of the furniture. Carla had taken Rick home which meant Chris was by himself, and the boredom was already sending him stir crazy. It was all she could do to get him to sit still in bed while they watched movies when Serena had the time.
She unclipped her pager just to check it hadn't gone off without her noticing and glanced up just as Mrs Deleo was coming down the corridor. Serena stood up and smiled, and held up her hand briefly. "Chris is in the shower, so you might just want to give him a couple minutes. Maybe another ten. He's not the speedy washer he used to be."
"Probably sitting in there plotting his escape to freedom down the drain pipe," Carla joked, but there was no humour behind her words. She looked and sounded exhausted, and she had a bandage wrapped around her hand from where she managed to slice her palm cleaning up the glass from the mirror in Chris' bathroom. She made an appointment for a tradesman to come and replace it, and while she really hadn't wanted to leave Rick alone, he actually requested it once she helped him. She didn't know what happened. He wouldn't tell her. All she knew was that her eldest son was in a bad way, and Carla just needed to try and figure out what the next move was supposed to be. "It's you I have come to see. You have been spending the most time with Chris, so you would have a better idea of his state of mind than I would. You also might be able to point me in the direction of Dave. I really need some help, and I'm not sure if Dave could help me. H-He's been there, you know?"
"Been...?" Serena trailed off for a moment as she looked from Carla's face to the bandage on her hand and sucked in a breath. "Rick? The cancer... Is he okay? What happened? Chris' state of mind is... terrible. I don't mean that in a bad way. Not really. He's just bored senseless and to be honest it's never really helpful if a patient is feeling forced to stay here, or forced to just sit around and do nothing. He's missing his brother, and I think he really would scale down the drain pipe if he could. He's just getting frustrated with his limited range. But I'm not his doctor, and as much as I would probably send him home to be in an environment he wants to be in, I can't. As for Dave, he was still in MT1. He had to finish up with a patient. First shift after his mysterious trip away."
Carla shook her head. "No. He isn't okay. I just don't exactly know what's wrong. He won't talk to me, he just shuts down. Not that I'm surprised. He never talked to me, why should he start now? Bella seems to be the only one he really connects with on any level. I'm worried he might try and push away Chris again too, and I know Chris just won't handle that in any way. Something got him so angry that caused him to smash the mirror in the bathroom. I have to talk to Chris about it, but I wouldn't even know what to say. Something is really not right. I just didn't know if Dave could give me some answers about how he felt after his treatment. How he coped. He just seems scarce, lately. Maybe it's bringing too many memories back for him too. I just have no idea what else to do."
Serena indicated the seat next to hers as she sat down again. Her features shifted into a frown as she tried to process the abrupt shift in Rick's behaviour. "I thought he was happy to go home? I know he was subdued, but I figured going home had to be better than staying here. Rick shouldn't be here any longer than he needs to be. I know he wanted to stay close to Chris, but he can't be that angry about it... Can he? Chris isn't going to like hearing that something's hurting Rick. It's probably going to make him even more determined to get out of here. I think Dave's just been feeling a little on the outs. Every time he tried to talk to Chris something bad happens, and when he tried talking to Rick, it probably seemed like Rick just didn't want to take it in. I don't think Rick's purposefully shutting you out."
"I know he's not. Something is wrong. That's why I am here. It's just more of a fact that if he is going to shut anyone out, I'm going to be the first on the list." Carla waved her hand distractedly. "It's okay. I would rather just know my kids were okay than worry about stupid things like why I can't seem to get them to talk to me. I just want to help them, to stop the hurt as much as I can, even if I know it's impossible to stop it completely. Dave is just... I don't know. I haven't spoken to him since I got here. I talked to his mother on the phone, and she had no suggestions about any of it either beyond the fact that she couldn't understand the boys' behaviours either. We all just want to help, but... I just don't know anymore. I don't think it's being home from hospital that is the problem. It's something lying a lot deeper."
Serena rubbed her fingers against her lips as she looked down at her shoes. She was trying to remember a moment before the operation when Rick freaked out. She knew from Chris there had been a few tears shed between the brothers, but no major freak outs. Chris had been the one to lose it, especially that day she'd got the call from Bella to come and get him. It was the day he'd finally decided to go ahead with the transplant. But all through it Rick had remained pretty calm. "Maybe... I don't know, maybe this is the anger part of the grief come through? Maybe he's finally starting to understand what's been happening? There hasn't been any symptoms coming back that you've noticed, has there? Sometimes a tumour can effect behaviour. Not that I'm saying for sure that's what this is, but if something's reached his brain..."
Carla shook her head. "No, Bella is adamant on that front. He's doing okay. He's been feeling fine, eating well, sleeping well. Maybe a bit restless at night, but I guess it's worry about Chris. It was always night time that Chris seemed to feel the worst. There has only been his hair, but he chose to shave that off. He seemed at peace with the choice, and again, Bella seemed to be helping him with that. This was just out of the blue. Maybe he is just angry. Except he was sobbing inconsolably after it. I thought I used to feel helpless before when it came to the boys but... that has nothing on this. This is... it's hell."
"I can only imagine," Serena murmured as she brought her gaze back up to look at Carla. "I know this is supposed to come from them, and I know you probably think you're not really needed here, but you are. And I really think you should consider staying a bit longer, if not permanently. Chris and Rick are good at seeming strong when they need to, but they have their breaking points. As much as I hate to say it, maybe Rick's just reached his?"
"They don't need me permanently. And you have been spending too much time with Dr Proctor. He has tried to convince me of much the same thing," Carla said tiredly, her voice coming out shaky with anxiety now when images of how she found Rick in the bathroom came flooding back to her. "They need each other right now. I just don't know how they can help each other if they're both hurting and they're both breaking. Nothing seems to be going right. Things just keep getting worse and worse."
Serena reached out to take Carla's uninjured hand and gave it a squeeze. "Well, he is my mentor. He teaches me only the best. And one thing I've learned is that you have to listen to him. He does actually know what he's talking about. Just like sometimes even I know what I'm talking about. And your boys need you. Maybe they're both hurting, and they're both breaking, but if they know they're still a family unit with you then maybe it'll give them hope, and they'll find the strength they need."
Carla frowned a little. "Of course we're still a family unit. That's just been... separated. It's how we function. Rick probably doesn't even know how to need me, not anymore. I should have been able to help him with this, but I couldn't. He needs Bella, or he needs Chris, or... anyone else. I've been there with him for days, and he hardly talks to me beyond small talk. I try, but just nothing seems to help."
Serena thought about Bella's pregnancy and wondered if that was the reason Rick was so blocked when it came to talking to his mom. It might be hard for him if he's keeping another secret. She wanted to be able to reassure Carla, but she couldn't do it without slipping. It wasn't her place to spill the beans over Rick and Bella. "Maybe he's just out of practice. It's been a while since he's needed you, and now he's just forgotten how. Doesn't mean he doesn't need you. Of course he does. You're his mom."
Carla sighed and looked down at her hands with a slight shake of her head. She was getting tired of hearing that, and getting tired of responding to it. She had heard it in monotonous regularity since she got to Miami, yet there was hardly proof in the pudding, was there? She knew the only reason Rick agreed to stay with her was because Chris was out of action. She was also finding it extremely hard hearing that Rick needed her. He had never needed it. It wasn't about to suddenly start now. "Yeah... of course," was her flat answer, though. "I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to saddle you with all this. You have your hands full with Chris. I'll just... I'll talk to him in a little while. I'll see how he is, what I should say."
Serena gave a small shake of her head and then started to rub her hand against Carla's back. The truth was all she wanted was to feel close to Chris' mom. She was his family, and Serena wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to be able to connect with the woman. "No, no. It's okay. I mean, this is why I'm here. It's what I want to be here for. If there's ever anything I can do, Carla, please... Just ask. Or just talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about, really. My mind is stupidly and irrationally stuck on the fact neither of them originally told me about something like my son having cancer. That I didn't even know Chris had found the love of his life. It's okay, Serena. I understand my boys. They're my boys. I know them. I know how the think. It just makes me feel like a failure as a mother," Carla admitted quietly, glancing behind her at Chris' room when she heard a noise, but it didn't seem to be anything. "And I know... I know. They wanted to protect me, didn't know how to tell me. I just..." She put her hand up and waved it when words just failed her on the subject. "If you and your brother hadn't contacted me, it would never have happened."
Serena let out a soft sigh as she leaned back in her seat. "I just thought you should know. Even Drew thought so. I feel bad for interfering, but I don't think it would have been better if you'd been ignorant. And Rick's not just staying with you because Chris isn't around. He knows that Chris isn't up to looking after himself and Rick. He does need you. He wants you there. He can't do it without you. I don't think either of them can. None of us are going to be able to replace you. You're not a failure, you're really not. I know I probably don't know all the ins and outs and I'm still trying to learn everything about your sons, but I know you're not a failure. They'd do anything for you. I just think after what happened with their father, they just keep thinking they need to protect you from anything bad. Even when it happens to them."
Carla leaned forward to rest her head in her hands. With both her boys seriously ill, she was feeling like her whole world was crushing in on her. Trying to pretend on the outside that she was just fine was hard. She didn't know what she would do if she lost them. She wouldn't be able to go on, she knew that much. She wouldn't want to. They were her whole world, even if they didn't realise it. They were the reason she learnt to keep getting up in the mornings, even after everything. "I still remember that night like it was yesterday. Chris came in at just the wrong time. Right time. He'll tell you he lost it that night, but he didn't. Not really. He was so strong for me. He did everything he could to make sure I was okay, even if it made him physically sick. But none of that ever meant I stopped being their Mom. It didn't mean I wanted to stop protecting them. I just... loved having boys so much. I had these daydreams of watching them grow up, fall in love, get married, have babies. That we would all be this close family like some sort of American sitcom where Thanksgiving was a foregone conclusion and I'd be surrounded by grandkids and my boys would have these amazing wives that loved them. And that despite having families of their own, they would still come and need me to take care of them, no matter what. To ask me for advice on stupid little things, and then laugh about it after the fact. But all that... it got ripped away. Rick was always distant. Always. He always wanted to be the pilot of his own life, call the shots. I think having a little brother around just cramped his style. Then I think when he realised he might be starting to be like their father, he just... started to run away. From all of us. From Chris. Chris never took it easy. He was always the submissive one. Hell, he would have lay down in the middle of the road and let Rick walk all over him if he thought it would be of some sort of help. He worshipped the ground Rick walked on, until he got old enough to realise how much it really hurt. Rick never saw that absolute adoration in Chris' eyes because he always seemed to have his back turned. Those handful of amazing brotherly moments between them got drowned out by the pain. They pushed each other away, pushed me away. The whole family just self-destructed. I've never figured out how to put it back together."
Serena couldn't stop the lump from growing in her throat, or the tears from rolling down her cheeks when the emotion just broke. Hearing about Chris' childhood just hurt. Hearing that Rick pulled away from the beginning hurt, too. Serena was still grateful her own family not suffering through quite as much pain. Her and Drew had always been close, even after he'd discovered his dick and girls. There might have been a slight age gap, but he was her big brother. She could go to him for anything. "He wants to be the big brother... All this, it's about Rick trying to be the big brother he should have been from the start. Chris wasn't going to do it. He'd taken one knock too many, and as much as he loved Rick he just couldn't. He couldn't risk his own chance at happiness." Serena wiped at her cheeks, and sighed. She hated secrets. She really did. All she wanted to do was tell Carla what had changed Chris' mind, but she couldn't. "But Rick wants to finally step up, and wants to stop running. I still can't believe what any of you have been through. I've been so lucky with my own family. Sometimes I feel guilty, but I just couldn't imagine my life without Drew, or without my parents. Even if there's quite a bit of distance between us now. They're still in Chicago. I'm also selfish enough to be trying to get Drew to move to Miami more permanently. I miss him..."
Carla nodded. "I know. I do. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be telling me this, because really, I need to hear it. But I do know them. Rick has never not wanted to be a big brother, he just never knew how to. Chris always seemed to have life down. He was this sweet little thing with big blue eyes who probably seemed to Rick like he had the whole world in his hands. It was something Rick probably felt like he couldn't live up to. But there were times Rick just tapped into that big brother mojo naturally, mostly when he wasn't overthinking it. When Chris needed him. Times when things were bad when they were really young, Rick would just stay in Chris' presence to make sure he was okay. And there was this time Chris fell into the lake off the pier. He tripped over, I think. It was a cold day, and he fell in. Rick jumped in, pulled him out, then yelled at him for being stupid... but I knew it was only because he was terrified Chris nearly drowned," she said with a hint of a fond smile. "He doesn't suck as much as a big brother as he thinks he does. Chris just selflessly dug his brother out of trouble all the time that Rick became reliant on it. Rick... got into the trouble because of their father. He started acting out when their father started drinking, and I think it was a sheer want to not be him that had him getting into more and more trouble when he got older. It was a vicious cycle. I'm proud of him now for wanting to make changes, I just wish it didn't take him getting cancer to do it."
"I think we all wish that, and no one more than Chris," Serena replied quietly. "He didn't want it to happen like this. The same way I know Rick never wanted to ask Chris to risk his life. Then to have his heart stop on the table..." Serena pressed her lips together as she shook her head and tears dripped down her cheeks in earnest. Even though she was back at work, and functioning, there were still moments where she caught herself thinking about that horrible second where she knew Chris' heart had stopped beating. "Rick just needs some confidence, and Chris just needs proof his big brother isn't going to run out on him again."
Carla drew in a deep breath and pushed her hair out of her face, regaining her composure again. "It's fine. They'll get there. They always do. I should let you get back to work, or get back to stopping Chris escape. I might just talk to Bella, see what she suggests. Maybe Rick needs to talk to a professional or something. They might be able to get him when he's back for chemo tomorrow. Kill two birds with one stone and all that."
Serena nodded before she leaned over to give Carla a brief hug. "I still mean it. You need anything, you just want to talk... Please find me, or call me, okay? I'm sure Rick would really appreciate the two birds, one stone. I don't think either of them are fans of hospitals."
Carla hugged Chris' girlfriend back, still feeling a little awkward in the gesture, considering she hardly knew the girl. She stood up, looking and feeling lost for a few moments. She really didn't feel any better than she had when she first arrived. If anything, she just felt more confused. That always happened whenever she tried to talk to anyone about her family of her past. "I'll see you later," she mumured and then just walked away in the general direction of Bella's office. The only thing was, she wasn't sure she even wanted to try and talk to Rick's doctor, either. Nothing she said anymore seemed to make any sense and she didn't want anyone else getting her to try and stay positive, as much as she knew they meant well.
Word Count | 3,711
Serena really did have to see the amusing side of things. Where once she and Chris had indulged in long showers after being distracted a little too easily during the act of washing each other, she was now relegated to waiting outside his room while he took too long in the shower for other reasons. The nurse had been quite clear on the fact that she wasn't allowed in the room while Chris was bathing. Something to do with another patient and his wife getting into hanky panky and causing the guy to get a head wound from slipping over while getting over excited.
Serena wasn't looking to get Chris hurt. She could have quite easily perved from inside his room and keeping her hands to herself. She might have been back at work, but most of the time she wasn't working she was still hanging around Chris' room like a part of the furniture. Carla had taken Rick home which meant Chris was by himself, and the boredom was already sending him stir crazy. It was all she could do to get him to sit still in bed while they watched movies when Serena had the time.
She unclipped her pager just to check it hadn't gone off without her noticing and glanced up just as Mrs Deleo was coming down the corridor. Serena stood up and smiled, and held up her hand briefly. "Chris is in the shower, so you might just want to give him a couple minutes. Maybe another ten. He's not the speedy washer he used to be."
"Probably sitting in there plotting his escape to freedom down the drain pipe," Carla joked, but there was no humour behind her words. She looked and sounded exhausted, and she had a bandage wrapped around her hand from where she managed to slice her palm cleaning up the glass from the mirror in Chris' bathroom. She made an appointment for a tradesman to come and replace it, and while she really hadn't wanted to leave Rick alone, he actually requested it once she helped him. She didn't know what happened. He wouldn't tell her. All she knew was that her eldest son was in a bad way, and Carla just needed to try and figure out what the next move was supposed to be. "It's you I have come to see. You have been spending the most time with Chris, so you would have a better idea of his state of mind than I would. You also might be able to point me in the direction of Dave. I really need some help, and I'm not sure if Dave could help me. H-He's been there, you know?"
"Been...?" Serena trailed off for a moment as she looked from Carla's face to the bandage on her hand and sucked in a breath. "Rick? The cancer... Is he okay? What happened? Chris' state of mind is... terrible. I don't mean that in a bad way. Not really. He's just bored senseless and to be honest it's never really helpful if a patient is feeling forced to stay here, or forced to just sit around and do nothing. He's missing his brother, and I think he really would scale down the drain pipe if he could. He's just getting frustrated with his limited range. But I'm not his doctor, and as much as I would probably send him home to be in an environment he wants to be in, I can't. As for Dave, he was still in MT1. He had to finish up with a patient. First shift after his mysterious trip away."
Carla shook her head. "No. He isn't okay. I just don't exactly know what's wrong. He won't talk to me, he just shuts down. Not that I'm surprised. He never talked to me, why should he start now? Bella seems to be the only one he really connects with on any level. I'm worried he might try and push away Chris again too, and I know Chris just won't handle that in any way. Something got him so angry that caused him to smash the mirror in the bathroom. I have to talk to Chris about it, but I wouldn't even know what to say. Something is really not right. I just didn't know if Dave could give me some answers about how he felt after his treatment. How he coped. He just seems scarce, lately. Maybe it's bringing too many memories back for him too. I just have no idea what else to do."
Serena indicated the seat next to hers as she sat down again. Her features shifted into a frown as she tried to process the abrupt shift in Rick's behaviour. "I thought he was happy to go home? I know he was subdued, but I figured going home had to be better than staying here. Rick shouldn't be here any longer than he needs to be. I know he wanted to stay close to Chris, but he can't be that angry about it... Can he? Chris isn't going to like hearing that something's hurting Rick. It's probably going to make him even more determined to get out of here. I think Dave's just been feeling a little on the outs. Every time he tried to talk to Chris something bad happens, and when he tried talking to Rick, it probably seemed like Rick just didn't want to take it in. I don't think Rick's purposefully shutting you out."
"I know he's not. Something is wrong. That's why I am here. It's just more of a fact that if he is going to shut anyone out, I'm going to be the first on the list." Carla waved her hand distractedly. "It's okay. I would rather just know my kids were okay than worry about stupid things like why I can't seem to get them to talk to me. I just want to help them, to stop the hurt as much as I can, even if I know it's impossible to stop it completely. Dave is just... I don't know. I haven't spoken to him since I got here. I talked to his mother on the phone, and she had no suggestions about any of it either beyond the fact that she couldn't understand the boys' behaviours either. We all just want to help, but... I just don't know anymore. I don't think it's being home from hospital that is the problem. It's something lying a lot deeper."
Serena rubbed her fingers against her lips as she looked down at her shoes. She was trying to remember a moment before the operation when Rick freaked out. She knew from Chris there had been a few tears shed between the brothers, but no major freak outs. Chris had been the one to lose it, especially that day she'd got the call from Bella to come and get him. It was the day he'd finally decided to go ahead with the transplant. But all through it Rick had remained pretty calm. "Maybe... I don't know, maybe this is the anger part of the grief come through? Maybe he's finally starting to understand what's been happening? There hasn't been any symptoms coming back that you've noticed, has there? Sometimes a tumour can effect behaviour. Not that I'm saying for sure that's what this is, but if something's reached his brain..."
Carla shook her head. "No, Bella is adamant on that front. He's doing okay. He's been feeling fine, eating well, sleeping well. Maybe a bit restless at night, but I guess it's worry about Chris. It was always night time that Chris seemed to feel the worst. There has only been his hair, but he chose to shave that off. He seemed at peace with the choice, and again, Bella seemed to be helping him with that. This was just out of the blue. Maybe he is just angry. Except he was sobbing inconsolably after it. I thought I used to feel helpless before when it came to the boys but... that has nothing on this. This is... it's hell."
"I can only imagine," Serena murmured as she brought her gaze back up to look at Carla. "I know this is supposed to come from them, and I know you probably think you're not really needed here, but you are. And I really think you should consider staying a bit longer, if not permanently. Chris and Rick are good at seeming strong when they need to, but they have their breaking points. As much as I hate to say it, maybe Rick's just reached his?"
"They don't need me permanently. And you have been spending too much time with Dr Proctor. He has tried to convince me of much the same thing," Carla said tiredly, her voice coming out shaky with anxiety now when images of how she found Rick in the bathroom came flooding back to her. "They need each other right now. I just don't know how they can help each other if they're both hurting and they're both breaking. Nothing seems to be going right. Things just keep getting worse and worse."
Serena reached out to take Carla's uninjured hand and gave it a squeeze. "Well, he is my mentor. He teaches me only the best. And one thing I've learned is that you have to listen to him. He does actually know what he's talking about. Just like sometimes even I know what I'm talking about. And your boys need you. Maybe they're both hurting, and they're both breaking, but if they know they're still a family unit with you then maybe it'll give them hope, and they'll find the strength they need."
Carla frowned a little. "Of course we're still a family unit. That's just been... separated. It's how we function. Rick probably doesn't even know how to need me, not anymore. I should have been able to help him with this, but I couldn't. He needs Bella, or he needs Chris, or... anyone else. I've been there with him for days, and he hardly talks to me beyond small talk. I try, but just nothing seems to help."
Serena thought about Bella's pregnancy and wondered if that was the reason Rick was so blocked when it came to talking to his mom. It might be hard for him if he's keeping another secret. She wanted to be able to reassure Carla, but she couldn't do it without slipping. It wasn't her place to spill the beans over Rick and Bella. "Maybe he's just out of practice. It's been a while since he's needed you, and now he's just forgotten how. Doesn't mean he doesn't need you. Of course he does. You're his mom."
Carla sighed and looked down at her hands with a slight shake of her head. She was getting tired of hearing that, and getting tired of responding to it. She had heard it in monotonous regularity since she got to Miami, yet there was hardly proof in the pudding, was there? She knew the only reason Rick agreed to stay with her was because Chris was out of action. She was also finding it extremely hard hearing that Rick needed her. He had never needed it. It wasn't about to suddenly start now. "Yeah... of course," was her flat answer, though. "I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to saddle you with all this. You have your hands full with Chris. I'll just... I'll talk to him in a little while. I'll see how he is, what I should say."
Serena gave a small shake of her head and then started to rub her hand against Carla's back. The truth was all she wanted was to feel close to Chris' mom. She was his family, and Serena wanted to be a part of it. She wanted to be able to connect with the woman. "No, no. It's okay. I mean, this is why I'm here. It's what I want to be here for. If there's ever anything I can do, Carla, please... Just ask. Or just talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about, really. My mind is stupidly and irrationally stuck on the fact neither of them originally told me about something like my son having cancer. That I didn't even know Chris had found the love of his life. It's okay, Serena. I understand my boys. They're my boys. I know them. I know how the think. It just makes me feel like a failure as a mother," Carla admitted quietly, glancing behind her at Chris' room when she heard a noise, but it didn't seem to be anything. "And I know... I know. They wanted to protect me, didn't know how to tell me. I just..." She put her hand up and waved it when words just failed her on the subject. "If you and your brother hadn't contacted me, it would never have happened."
Serena let out a soft sigh as she leaned back in her seat. "I just thought you should know. Even Drew thought so. I feel bad for interfering, but I don't think it would have been better if you'd been ignorant. And Rick's not just staying with you because Chris isn't around. He knows that Chris isn't up to looking after himself and Rick. He does need you. He wants you there. He can't do it without you. I don't think either of them can. None of us are going to be able to replace you. You're not a failure, you're really not. I know I probably don't know all the ins and outs and I'm still trying to learn everything about your sons, but I know you're not a failure. They'd do anything for you. I just think after what happened with their father, they just keep thinking they need to protect you from anything bad. Even when it happens to them."
Carla leaned forward to rest her head in her hands. With both her boys seriously ill, she was feeling like her whole world was crushing in on her. Trying to pretend on the outside that she was just fine was hard. She didn't know what she would do if she lost them. She wouldn't be able to go on, she knew that much. She wouldn't want to. They were her whole world, even if they didn't realise it. They were the reason she learnt to keep getting up in the mornings, even after everything. "I still remember that night like it was yesterday. Chris came in at just the wrong time. Right time. He'll tell you he lost it that night, but he didn't. Not really. He was so strong for me. He did everything he could to make sure I was okay, even if it made him physically sick. But none of that ever meant I stopped being their Mom. It didn't mean I wanted to stop protecting them. I just... loved having boys so much. I had these daydreams of watching them grow up, fall in love, get married, have babies. That we would all be this close family like some sort of American sitcom where Thanksgiving was a foregone conclusion and I'd be surrounded by grandkids and my boys would have these amazing wives that loved them. And that despite having families of their own, they would still come and need me to take care of them, no matter what. To ask me for advice on stupid little things, and then laugh about it after the fact. But all that... it got ripped away. Rick was always distant. Always. He always wanted to be the pilot of his own life, call the shots. I think having a little brother around just cramped his style. Then I think when he realised he might be starting to be like their father, he just... started to run away. From all of us. From Chris. Chris never took it easy. He was always the submissive one. Hell, he would have lay down in the middle of the road and let Rick walk all over him if he thought it would be of some sort of help. He worshipped the ground Rick walked on, until he got old enough to realise how much it really hurt. Rick never saw that absolute adoration in Chris' eyes because he always seemed to have his back turned. Those handful of amazing brotherly moments between them got drowned out by the pain. They pushed each other away, pushed me away. The whole family just self-destructed. I've never figured out how to put it back together."
Serena couldn't stop the lump from growing in her throat, or the tears from rolling down her cheeks when the emotion just broke. Hearing about Chris' childhood just hurt. Hearing that Rick pulled away from the beginning hurt, too. Serena was still grateful her own family not suffering through quite as much pain. Her and Drew had always been close, even after he'd discovered his dick and girls. There might have been a slight age gap, but he was her big brother. She could go to him for anything. "He wants to be the big brother... All this, it's about Rick trying to be the big brother he should have been from the start. Chris wasn't going to do it. He'd taken one knock too many, and as much as he loved Rick he just couldn't. He couldn't risk his own chance at happiness." Serena wiped at her cheeks, and sighed. She hated secrets. She really did. All she wanted to do was tell Carla what had changed Chris' mind, but she couldn't. "But Rick wants to finally step up, and wants to stop running. I still can't believe what any of you have been through. I've been so lucky with my own family. Sometimes I feel guilty, but I just couldn't imagine my life without Drew, or without my parents. Even if there's quite a bit of distance between us now. They're still in Chicago. I'm also selfish enough to be trying to get Drew to move to Miami more permanently. I miss him..."
Carla nodded. "I know. I do. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be telling me this, because really, I need to hear it. But I do know them. Rick has never not wanted to be a big brother, he just never knew how to. Chris always seemed to have life down. He was this sweet little thing with big blue eyes who probably seemed to Rick like he had the whole world in his hands. It was something Rick probably felt like he couldn't live up to. But there were times Rick just tapped into that big brother mojo naturally, mostly when he wasn't overthinking it. When Chris needed him. Times when things were bad when they were really young, Rick would just stay in Chris' presence to make sure he was okay. And there was this time Chris fell into the lake off the pier. He tripped over, I think. It was a cold day, and he fell in. Rick jumped in, pulled him out, then yelled at him for being stupid... but I knew it was only because he was terrified Chris nearly drowned," she said with a hint of a fond smile. "He doesn't suck as much as a big brother as he thinks he does. Chris just selflessly dug his brother out of trouble all the time that Rick became reliant on it. Rick... got into the trouble because of their father. He started acting out when their father started drinking, and I think it was a sheer want to not be him that had him getting into more and more trouble when he got older. It was a vicious cycle. I'm proud of him now for wanting to make changes, I just wish it didn't take him getting cancer to do it."
"I think we all wish that, and no one more than Chris," Serena replied quietly. "He didn't want it to happen like this. The same way I know Rick never wanted to ask Chris to risk his life. Then to have his heart stop on the table..." Serena pressed her lips together as she shook her head and tears dripped down her cheeks in earnest. Even though she was back at work, and functioning, there were still moments where she caught herself thinking about that horrible second where she knew Chris' heart had stopped beating. "Rick just needs some confidence, and Chris just needs proof his big brother isn't going to run out on him again."
Carla drew in a deep breath and pushed her hair out of her face, regaining her composure again. "It's fine. They'll get there. They always do. I should let you get back to work, or get back to stopping Chris escape. I might just talk to Bella, see what she suggests. Maybe Rick needs to talk to a professional or something. They might be able to get him when he's back for chemo tomorrow. Kill two birds with one stone and all that."
Serena nodded before she leaned over to give Carla a brief hug. "I still mean it. You need anything, you just want to talk... Please find me, or call me, okay? I'm sure Rick would really appreciate the two birds, one stone. I don't think either of them are fans of hospitals."
Carla hugged Chris' girlfriend back, still feeling a little awkward in the gesture, considering she hardly knew the girl. She stood up, looking and feeling lost for a few moments. She really didn't feel any better than she had when she first arrived. If anything, she just felt more confused. That always happened whenever she tried to talk to anyone about her family of her past. "I'll see you later," she mumured and then just walked away in the general direction of Bella's office. The only thing was, she wasn't sure she even wanted to try and talk to Rick's doctor, either. Nothing she said anymore seemed to make any sense and she didn't want anyone else getting her to try and stay positive, as much as she knew they meant well.
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