Screencaps of Evermore--In Which Everything Explodes a Lot
Holy SNOO! An update within the same month as the last one? Could I really have changed my ways? Well, I don't want to jinx it, so let's just jump straight into the action!
First, though, a shout-out: This episode is dedicated to Jonesy, who we all know and love as one of the best screencappers EVAR. He's turning twenty-one this Saturday, so everyone should go wish him well 'cause he is AWESOME and read his adventures 'cause they are AWESOME. Happy early birthday, honey! yeah I know nothing says "OH SHIT I FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY" like shoehorning your name into one of my crappy screencap adventures shut up and eat yer durned cake
When we last saw our heroes, they were taking a well-deserved break to rest their nerves after the Pyramid of Unwinnable DOOM. Little did they know that soon they'd be confronting epic explosions, sinister Easter eggs, underground mazes, things in the dark, and tentacles doing naughty things! WHAT! WILL! HAPPEN?!
Bye, nice free inn lady! We gotsta go meet Horace on the East Bank now! I'm sure nothing bad will happen!
Hark! The soft footsteps of a plot development!
Hmmm. I distinctly remember Horace wearing a tan outfit. But it's not like we've been having evil twin problems or anything, so I'll fail to find this at all suspicious! :D
See? He cares about us! Granted, he rolled his eyes pretty hard when he said that, but the concern was there! Totally not another evil twin.
Matt: I also have no reservations about your sudden change of attire and am sure you harbor nothing but good intent towards us :D
Andre: dude you people are idiots
Horace: This...this is a piece of string and a dead frog.
Matt: I was supposed to be looking for what now? :D
(Oh gawd, I just realized I act out everyone's emoticons as I type these I must look so freaking stupid that's fantastic)
Matt: Gosh, you're drooling more than usual, Horace! Are you hungry?
Horace: FOR POWER
Matt: Uh...I have some nectar, is that close enough?
Matt: ...or a petal, or some roots, or a mushroom, or a...
Horace: ASKHFDHH;'LL'JDSFA' RANT SNORT
It's not like we nearly chewed our arms off in frustration multiple times trying to get them or anything, we'll turn them over without so much as a "please", why not, what the hey. Jerk.
Andre: oh you're actually giving him those that's great that's awesome
Matt: :D
Andre: this is all on you, buddy.
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D ...wait a second :\
Andre: you're a rube, Matt - -
Matt: Usually he laughs like BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAsnortchokehackHA! I think...something is AMISS!
Andre: uh huh yeah I'm going to Vegas don't wait up
Ughhhh, that word gives me Raggedy Ann and Andy Movie flashbacks. Don't, just don't D:
Coincidentally, Lunky Monkey is Chunky Monkey's evil ice cream twin. Instead of having fudge chunks and walnuts, it has a small man slamming a steel pipe into your ovaries. ...I hate our Dairy Queen :<
Andre: what part of "it's all on you, buddy" and/or "I'm going to Vegas" do you not understand? >(
Andre: dude, do you even REMEMBER what happened in the volcano?
Matt: I fell down lots :D
oh hallo
NPC: We're gonna make BACON outta you, ki--
NPC: OW I'M A PILE OF BONES
Matt: POWER OF DA SPEAAAAR
Andre: lol
NPC: Oh, rub it in >(
I dunno, we did kind of vaporize those two, I think we're probably sufficiently leveled for the time being.
abhuWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!
Gosh, now that I look at it that way, it makes a lot of sense! You're so clever, Matt!
Andre: douches >|
Not that anyone's TOLD US WHAT THEY DO or anything. My chip's STILL on explosions.
seeing as that's the only other area we know about
HUMANS bleed nectar? I...I just...this world's biology makes me sad and uncomfortable.
YOU KNOW WHAT
AXE
IS WHAT
A cave! With a...aah, you know the drill.
MAGIC
wooooOOOOOOoooooo, WE ARE POWERFUL WIZARDS AND YOU SHOULD GIVE US STUFF, WOOOooooOOOOO
dangit Matt >(
Matt: :D
NPC: I'll just be taking the damages out of your hide now! :D
Matt: :D :| :(
What, there's only the one? Or is the Bronze Age mascot? Bifurcate-y the Happy Axe? I'm down with that.
Don't remind me D:
NPC: Well, aren't you just a pocket fulla firecrackers? You got moxie, kid, you ain't no maroon!
Matt: Uh...how long have you been in this cave?
A clue? Love? A good ass-kicking? All three? At once? Plus maple syrup? And you'll take the pictures?
Oh, or that.
...why, what'd I say?
It's your standard Drain spell. I guess some people like 'em, but I've always found 'em universally bland.
But that won't stop me from giving you guys a quick demo, 'cause I love y'all. In this episode, even!
Not too bad, but not good enough that I'd bother leveling it.
NPC: It's how I've stayed alive the past sixty years, seeing as I didn't provide myself an exit. Oh God I'm so hungry.
Matt: For power?
NPC: If that's something that isn't made of wall slime or rats, then yes!
Matt: Get much business back here?
NPC: I sell to the rats. Then I eat them. It's a niche market, really.
Ghhh, the last two dungeons kicked my ass formula-wise. That represents at LEAST fifty Heal-casts. Good thing you can stock up here.
sadl;fj';fjdjl NOBODY EVER SAID THAT TO ME
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY HELPFUL, REALLY
JERKS
Awwww. I'm sure he will, probably as a plot development later on.
NPC: At least, I think that's what all that insane cackling and multiple exclamations points were about when he stopped in for a Slippery Nipple earlier.
YAY BOAT RIDE BOAT RIDE
I DO I DO
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
*BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE*
Andre: quit rocking the boat >(
Yes, he has a different tour guide spiel for the return trip. Secret of Evermore may have some wall-banging lapses of programmer judgment, but they're awesome about little details.
Oooooooh! It's so...scrubby! :D
CHICKENS :D
Matt: Well, boy, how was your desert chicken?
Andre: dry >(
Matt: Uh, we never sat down. Sprite restrictions. Sorry.
Ghost Captain: It's okay, Jack, I get that all the time.
And now, we return to the bustling--uh...hey, where is everybody?
Thank you for your prompt response, camera.
Andre: maybe you shouldn't have spent three hours singing karaoke at the Sniveling Sissy >(
Matt: But I did it my way!
Ooh, I think we finally get to find out what happens when you put the Diamond Eyes in the statue! :D
NPC: So...what do they do, then?
Not!Horace: Beats me, I was hoping someone here would know.
Gosh, I wonder if Square Japan knew anything about that little one-off when they were working on Final Fantasy IX...
(As a side note: If you're still reading this, Miss Zarla, My Sweet Passion shows up in the first freaking page of results TWICE in a Google image search for "zorn final fantasy". NOT THAT ANYONE IS SURPRISED.)
Do you suffer from dry, electrically charged eyes? Visine can't help. Seriously, dude, you're more or less fucked.
Lift up your eyes! With TELEKINESIS!
I think I've got something in my eye, maybe just a little speck of DOOM
Oh, honey, he's got your eyes!
Not!Horace: And the bad eye puns END!
But I've got so many more!
hey guys
I think maybe I was right about the explosions
Matt: That. Was. EPIC.
Andre: meh, I've seen bigger.
M-O-O-N, that spells "killer exploding robot statue thingy"!
Heh. I used to like to think that the Aegis Shield in Final Fantasy VI was actually a chunk of this statue, blown several worlds over by the aforementioned epic explosion. 'Cause I'm lame. And it's fun.
Okay, down to business. Aegis' gimmick is that he switches between something like three different masks, each mask can do something different, and you can only hurt him in between swaps. This mask scans your character...
...and spits out a (GASPY!) EVIL TWIN! Hey, is this where they've all been coming from?
T'hee, puns.
Luckily, I have a spear. I'LL PUT YER EYE OUT WITH THAT
ACK
Okay, that mask spits out evil bone birds. It's nice of them to do an actual palette swap and not just make them Bone Buzzards, I think.
This mask spits out Will-o-Wisp-type enemies like Salabog...
...but we don't get to see it 'cause really, Aegis is a gigantic pussy at heart. Really, what was Not!Horace even planning to do with this thing? It's stuck in the ground! If they didn't feel like being dominated, everyone could just...y'know...LEAVE.
Seriously, this plan sucked. It sucked balls. Eyeballs, even. Congratulations, Not!Horace, you've been beaten out in the evil circuit by an eight-year-old girl. I hope you feel suitably emasculated.
anyway BEHOLD DA POWER OF...axe? Did I seriously have my axe equipped for that? Huh.
Matt: 'Cause he was a giant HEAD stuck in the GROUND. See, I can do it too :D
Andre: I am going to kill all of you while you sleep.
Andre: *ka-HEM*
Horace: And noticeably better work, Andre.
Andre: dang' straight - -
Matt: :D
Horace: Now there are only 452 horrible villains to go!
Matt: D:
YOU DON'T SAY.
Okay, that's a little more enlightening. Hmmmm, evil robot twins...where else have we seen suspicious robots in this game?
Matt doesn't care, foreshadowing is for pussies
MORE explosions? First Aegis exploded to appear, then he exploded to disappear, now he's exploding because he FEELS like it. I so called it on the Diamond Eyes.
When?
Oh. WELL LET'S GET A MOVE ON THEN.
Who are you calling tiny?
'Cause I'm kind of sensitive about my height, y'know.
I AM here. Gawd.
Aww, that's actually kind of sweet. You're an okay guy, H--
Oh :<
i'm a special boy too :<
You know, it'd be funny if he threw it into the exact same spot as the rock, so the bridge to the item outcropping would explode and you'd permanently lose your chance at everything on it. ...at least, it'd be funny if you were Roberta Williams.
CAN HE DO IT, FOLKS? THE SUSPENSE!
I CAN PILOT ANYTHING no wait
Everyone: *step*
Hut!
hup
Hup
HUP
HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Man, Square, way to get an oiled, shaved muscle-man in a loincloth flexing and being vaguely suggestive past the radar in a SNES-era game. Go you.
SCREENWOBBLE
SCREENWOBBLE
SCREENWOBBLE
Matt: Was that the explosion?
Tiny: No. When Tiny flexes, Tiny flexes HARD.
Matt: And another good arm. And two good legs. And a good chest. And a good--
Andre: dude, we're not going there. we're just...not.
Matt: --heart, right! Why, what did you think I was gonna say?
Tune in next time, when Tiny's incredible strength goes to his head! No, no, I kid. That foreshadowing actually has a pretty long fuse on it.
Horace: Have you tried the subway?
Matt: They haven't invented it yet.
Horace: The aqueduct, then?
Horace: I miss television. And showers. And people wearing pants.
Horace: OH GOD I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING MY LIFE'S A LIE
Horace: I'M HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS TRY BACK LATER
Madronius: Oh, is it Tuesday, then?
Madronius: You've earned your "Barking Like a Seal" merit badge! Congratulations!
Guard: THAT BOTHERS ME
Horace: I'm sorry, I seem to have been having an identity crisis. It must be Tuesday.
Horace: Did Little Timmy fall down the aqueduct?
HOW CONVEEEEEEENIENT
Assuming it actually leads somewhere, and isn't just a dead end. Y'know, as caves are wont to be.
Horace: Now all we need is a guinea pig to flush out any inhospitable creatures and trip any deadly traps!
Matt: :D
Horace: :)
Matt: :D
Horace: :)
Matt: :D
Horace: :)
Matt: ...oh you mean ME :/
Politeness about explosive-centric news: Pass it on.
Horace: More likely, you could get killed in any number of horrible ways.
Matt: I like them odds!
Matt: BRAVELY AND BLINDLY INTO THE ABYSS WE CHARGE
Andre: why am I not in Vegas yet?
Free stuff?
Free stuff! :D
Ooooo, YOINK.
You rock, Horace. Not quite as hard as Fire Eyes, but pretty dang' hard. I'm gonna miss you :<
D-do we really have to say goodbye so soon?
Oh God, I promised myself I wasn't...wasn't gonna...WAAAAAAH
AAAAH oh hey gratitude and acclaim :D Granted, it's not the most topical gratitude and acclaim, but all fawning is appreciated, peasant.
NPC: That was a good thing you did. Good job, you.
Okay, it's Easter egg time. This one is well-hidden, so much so that I never discovered it on my own, despite my constant chicken-worrying. The trick is, you have to go up to a chicken and press A to make it squawk over a hundred times. And when you do...
!
. .
> >
< <
. .
:O
ASADFJLL;FASLD;KFLJADSJK
l;ksdfl;ak
eeeeeeehehehehe. love this game.
love it so much.
I kind of expected her to up the price, but I guess she gets that a lot.
Pffft, no thanks. What good is a chicken if you can't taunt it?
I WILL TAUNT CHICKENS UP TO AND WITH MY LAST BREATH. Another one hundred taunts later (I actually used ZSNES' turbo function for the first time ever just for this)...
TRY AND STOP ME
OH SHI--
asdfjlf;sdafj''afASJFKDL;KJF;LJFDjl;l;afd
sdfa;ljflow.
Say, I wonder...
Ffff. Okay, fine, we'll roll with that.
Goat: Meanie :<
Okay, just a little more housecleaning to do before we get on with the plot. You guys are lucky--I always forget this part when I play, and a lot of people don't even know it exists, but I was reminded by a walkthrough when looking up information on the pyramid, so here it is. Remember the guy who taught us Drain before we went to confront Horace? If you go back and talk to him again...
...you get fresh dialogue and a new formula! Remember, in RPGland, it pays not to just talk to everybody, but to talk to everybody twice. Unless, y'know, it's a Sierra game, in which case doing something too many times is just as bad as not doing it enough.
Just doing our duty, civilian :D
Why, thank y--WAIT A SECOND. You were holding out on us before? Lame! Fine, I'll take your stupid formula. I guess.
First, though, jumping back in time for a brief demo of the Drain formula, 'cause I forgot during the boss fight.
A stream of blue bubbles fly out of your enemy...
...and into you.
Wow, a whole 4 HP. How...utterly useless.
Okay, let's try Double Drain.
Hm...the substitution of Vinegar for Root makes it distinctly more expensive than Drain Lite.
It does have 100% more glowing arrows, though. I guess that's a good sign.
TWO streams of GREEN bubbles fly out of your enemy...
...and into you, for a slightly less measly 7 HP. So...much more expensive, but still pretty useless, and it's not even totally doubled. Yeah, this one's going off of my list post-haste. Oh well, at least I'll never kick myself for missing it.
Okay, let's do this thing. As you can see, the river drained off into the freshly-opened tunnel. As this is a desert, soon the oasis that has sprung up against all odds in the barren wasteland will wither and die, and life as we know it will cease for these simple, sand-dwelling people, animals, and plants.
But more importantly, we can walk down there without getting our jeans wet! Totally more relevant than the local ecosystem. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when denim rides up on your doolies? Yeah.
This area is barely an area. Just a few Mad Monks...
...and a gaping abyss. Oh well, I guess we should turn back and look somewhere else--
Matt: I AM A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY
Oh hell.
Andre: lol |)
Matt: WHY IS NO ONE JOINING ME IN MY MAJESTIC FLIGHT
Andre: yeah uh huh okay I'll catch up good buddy
Matt: AUTOMATIC WARPS UNITE US IN A SYMPHONY OF JOY AND COMPOUND FRACTURES
Andre: NOT COOL NOT COOL
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA*THUMP*
*CRACK*
*LACERATE*
Honestly, the sound effects for this segment are hilarious. One of the collisions squishes.
OH GOD I BROKE MY BGLAYER6
Seriously, something in this segment made my screen spaz out like a code possessed. Through some small miracle this is the only screencap it affects, but I did kind of speed through the area because it was making me nervous. You're not missing much, it's actually a short maze if you know what you're doing.
Where were we? Oh yeah: Owwww...
Ugh...where are we?
...hello?
...h-hello?
...I-I hear things in the dark...
It's dark in here too. I don't like this place D:
Andre: suck it up |<
IT'S DARK AND COLD AND SCARY AND oh hey a thingy :D
*P
OO
F*
*FOOP*
oooh golly. Magic atomic rollercoaster! Iwannarideagain :D
AGH ACK WHAT IS IT KILL IT WITH FIRE AGH
Oh, it's just an Oglin. These guys are everywhere underground, and they're not that tough. They like to do smack-and-runs, but otherwise, they're just--
ow throwback
Oh shi--he knocked me into a teleporter?
Into a dead end?!
THAT IS AN OGLIN AMBUSH OW OW ARGH
Phew. I've played this game a few times, but that's the first time the AI has managed to do something as clever as that. It was a TOTAL accident, but it goes to show you that even basic programs are complex twice a day. Scary stuff.
Well, at least we're out of it now. Hey, boy, do you like the atomic rollercoaster?
Andre: urrrrgh yurk yurk yurk
Uh-oh. Matt, better check the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook's "Dog" section under "Telling Barks From Barfs"...ooh, too late.
I...is this the remains of the last player? D: I don't like this place!
OH MY GOD ANDRE'S FOUND SOMETHING! HE MUST BE SCENTING THE WAY OUT OF HERE!
KEEP GOING, BOY! LEAD US TO SWEET, SWEET DAYLIGHT! LEAD US TO FREEDOM!
LEAD US TO...um...
*sigh* Thank you, Andre.
Andre: ain't no thing
Ugh, another dead end. I'm getting really sick of these useless--
--awesome precious loot dead ends :D
H-hey...is that...
PRECIOUS DAYLIGHT YES
OH SWEET JOYOUS DAY THIS IS THAT WE ARE--
--BEING RAPED BY RANDOM TENTACLES OW OW OW AUGH WTF
ACK
AAAACKSADL;FJAL;SDFJL;F
CRIPES. Jeebus. Okay.
Aquagoth is cooler than any goth ever, by the merit of being a squid that can cause acid storms. This is truth. No arguments. He also can put you in a sticky wicket if you're ill-prepared, so be sure to level up before going into the labyrinth.
Aaand tentacles. You know, I'm as fond of naughty tentacles as the next girl (provided the next girl is also a pervy tentacle-fancier), but this is not the happy kind of tentacle naughtiness that I am accustomed to. Bad tentacles! No tentacle biscuit!
Anyway, everyone knows that when you see a giant, bulbous, pulsing eye...
YOU THROW A HARPOON INTO IT
Aquagoth: Bitch, you did NOT just do that.
Unfortunately, the Dog can't reach the squid proper for some reason, so Matt's more or less alone in this fight. More unfortunately, this won't be the last or the most annoying example of this trope in this world.
Oh, did I mention that tentacles pop up and stab you every few seconds, especially if you stand within spear-throwing distance? FUN.
And this formula gives you Plague status. MORE FUN.
Ghhh. I was actually pretty worried during this fight, which is something that hasn't happened since...well, the raptor fight in Episode 1 that I cheated bravely pulled through by the skin of my teeth. It's definitely grinding time once I get out of here.
Oh, and it randomly throws Oglins at you. SO MUCH FUN.
Thankfully, no sea creature alive can stand up to a good spearing.
Also thankfully, everything in Evermore is made of Explodium wtf why is TV Tropes down right now. Even if it's underwater.
OH SHI--THE SQUID IS MELTING DOWN! TAKOYAKI FALLOUT! I'M MUTATING AND IT'S DELICIOUS!
C-C-C-CALAMARI
Aaaand...instead of doing his standard victory pose, Matt savagely stabs at thin air. I...I think maybe someone's been underground too long.
Matt: I'M COVERED IN BUUUUUUUUGS
Andre: lol claustrophobia
Apparently, if your Honey is maxed out at six, the game will glitch and allow you to take as a seventh piece. I don't know if it lasts forever or just once or anything, Honey's freaking expensive and barely worth it once you have your Heal leveled up, so I've never tried it. Can any other players report in?
Anyway.
H-hey...either the barely-breathable cave air has gone to my head, or I hear music!
(This is one of my favorite tracks in the game. Fo' srs. It gets me all excited. I'm a sucker for mysterious-sounding tracks like that |D)
Bucket? I see no--
*ka-BUCKET*
Oh :B
Matt: I HAS A BUCKET
Andre: NOOOOO THEY BE STEALIN' MY BUCKET
And so, Matt ascends into a new world...and leaves us behind. Jerk. Well, it'll take me a few days to make a rope out of semi-exploded tentacles...we'll just have to wait until then.
Next time: Feathery hedgehogs? Freakshows? Pigs? Poodles? Del dives headlong into her favorite world, and hilarity and brain injuries ensue.
First, though, a shout-out: This episode is dedicated to Jonesy, who we all know and love as one of the best screencappers EVAR. He's turning twenty-one this Saturday, so everyone should go wish him well 'cause he is AWESOME and read his adventures 'cause they are AWESOME. Happy early birthday, honey! yeah I know nothing says "OH SHIT I FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY" like shoehorning your name into one of my crappy screencap adventures shut up and eat yer durned cake
When we last saw our heroes, they were taking a well-deserved break to rest their nerves after the Pyramid of Unwinnable DOOM. Little did they know that soon they'd be confronting epic explosions, sinister Easter eggs, underground mazes, things in the dark, and tentacles doing naughty things! WHAT! WILL! HAPPEN?!
Bye, nice free inn lady! We gotsta go meet Horace on the East Bank now! I'm sure nothing bad will happen!
Hark! The soft footsteps of a plot development!
Hmmm. I distinctly remember Horace wearing a tan outfit. But it's not like we've been having evil twin problems or anything, so I'll fail to find this at all suspicious! :D
See? He cares about us! Granted, he rolled his eyes pretty hard when he said that, but the concern was there! Totally not another evil twin.
Matt: I also have no reservations about your sudden change of attire and am sure you harbor nothing but good intent towards us :D
Andre: dude you people are idiots
Horace: This...this is a piece of string and a dead frog.
Matt: I was supposed to be looking for what now? :D
(Oh gawd, I just realized I act out everyone's emoticons as I type these I must look so freaking stupid that's fantastic)
Matt: Gosh, you're drooling more than usual, Horace! Are you hungry?
Horace: FOR POWER
Matt: Uh...I have some nectar, is that close enough?
Matt: ...or a petal, or some roots, or a mushroom, or a...
Horace: ASKHFDHH;'LL'JDSFA' RANT SNORT
It's not like we nearly chewed our arms off in frustration multiple times trying to get them or anything, we'll turn them over without so much as a "please", why not, what the hey. Jerk.
Andre: oh you're actually giving him those that's great that's awesome
Matt: :D
Andre: this is all on you, buddy.
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D
Matt: :D ...wait a second :\
Andre: you're a rube, Matt - -
Matt: Usually he laughs like BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAsnortchokehackHA! I think...something is AMISS!
Andre: uh huh yeah I'm going to Vegas don't wait up
Ughhhh, that word gives me Raggedy Ann and Andy Movie flashbacks. Don't, just don't D:
Coincidentally, Lunky Monkey is Chunky Monkey's evil ice cream twin. Instead of having fudge chunks and walnuts, it has a small man slamming a steel pipe into your ovaries. ...I hate our Dairy Queen :<
Andre: what part of "it's all on you, buddy" and/or "I'm going to Vegas" do you not understand? >(
Andre: dude, do you even REMEMBER what happened in the volcano?
Matt: I fell down lots :D
oh hallo
NPC: We're gonna make BACON outta you, ki--
NPC: OW I'M A PILE OF BONES
Matt: POWER OF DA SPEAAAAR
Andre: lol
NPC: Oh, rub it in >(
I dunno, we did kind of vaporize those two, I think we're probably sufficiently leveled for the time being.
abhuWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!
Gosh, now that I look at it that way, it makes a lot of sense! You're so clever, Matt!
Andre: douches >|
Not that anyone's TOLD US WHAT THEY DO or anything. My chip's STILL on explosions.
seeing as that's the only other area we know about
HUMANS bleed nectar? I...I just...this world's biology makes me sad and uncomfortable.
YOU KNOW WHAT
AXE
IS WHAT
A cave! With a...aah, you know the drill.
MAGIC
wooooOOOOOOoooooo, WE ARE POWERFUL WIZARDS AND YOU SHOULD GIVE US STUFF, WOOOooooOOOOO
dangit Matt >(
Matt: :D
NPC: I'll just be taking the damages out of your hide now! :D
Matt: :D :| :(
What, there's only the one? Or is the Bronze Age mascot? Bifurcate-y the Happy Axe? I'm down with that.
Don't remind me D:
NPC: Well, aren't you just a pocket fulla firecrackers? You got moxie, kid, you ain't no maroon!
Matt: Uh...how long have you been in this cave?
A clue? Love? A good ass-kicking? All three? At once? Plus maple syrup? And you'll take the pictures?
Oh, or that.
...why, what'd I say?
It's your standard Drain spell. I guess some people like 'em, but I've always found 'em universally bland.
But that won't stop me from giving you guys a quick demo, 'cause I love y'all. In this episode, even!
Not too bad, but not good enough that I'd bother leveling it.
NPC: It's how I've stayed alive the past sixty years, seeing as I didn't provide myself an exit. Oh God I'm so hungry.
Matt: For power?
NPC: If that's something that isn't made of wall slime or rats, then yes!
Matt: Get much business back here?
NPC: I sell to the rats. Then I eat them. It's a niche market, really.
Ghhh, the last two dungeons kicked my ass formula-wise. That represents at LEAST fifty Heal-casts. Good thing you can stock up here.
sadl;fj';fjdjl NOBODY EVER SAID THAT TO ME
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY HELPFUL, REALLY
JERKS
Awwww. I'm sure he will, probably as a plot development later on.
NPC: At least, I think that's what all that insane cackling and multiple exclamations points were about when he stopped in for a Slippery Nipple earlier.
YAY BOAT RIDE BOAT RIDE
I DO I DO
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
*BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE*
Andre: quit rocking the boat >(
Yes, he has a different tour guide spiel for the return trip. Secret of Evermore may have some wall-banging lapses of programmer judgment, but they're awesome about little details.
Oooooooh! It's so...scrubby! :D
CHICKENS :D
Matt: Well, boy, how was your desert chicken?
Andre: dry >(
Matt: Uh, we never sat down. Sprite restrictions. Sorry.
Ghost Captain: It's okay, Jack, I get that all the time.
And now, we return to the bustling--uh...hey, where is everybody?
Thank you for your prompt response, camera.
Andre: maybe you shouldn't have spent three hours singing karaoke at the Sniveling Sissy >(
Matt: But I did it my way!
Ooh, I think we finally get to find out what happens when you put the Diamond Eyes in the statue! :D
NPC: So...what do they do, then?
Not!Horace: Beats me, I was hoping someone here would know.
Gosh, I wonder if Square Japan knew anything about that little one-off when they were working on Final Fantasy IX...
(As a side note: If you're still reading this, Miss Zarla, My Sweet Passion shows up in the first freaking page of results TWICE in a Google image search for "zorn final fantasy". NOT THAT ANYONE IS SURPRISED.)
Do you suffer from dry, electrically charged eyes? Visine can't help. Seriously, dude, you're more or less fucked.
Lift up your eyes! With TELEKINESIS!
I think I've got something in my eye, maybe just a little speck of DOOM
Oh, honey, he's got your eyes!
Not!Horace: And the bad eye puns END!
But I've got so many more!
hey guys
I think maybe I was right about the explosions
Matt: That. Was. EPIC.
Andre: meh, I've seen bigger.
M-O-O-N, that spells "killer exploding robot statue thingy"!
Heh. I used to like to think that the Aegis Shield in Final Fantasy VI was actually a chunk of this statue, blown several worlds over by the aforementioned epic explosion. 'Cause I'm lame. And it's fun.
Okay, down to business. Aegis' gimmick is that he switches between something like three different masks, each mask can do something different, and you can only hurt him in between swaps. This mask scans your character...
...and spits out a (GASPY!) EVIL TWIN! Hey, is this where they've all been coming from?
T'hee, puns.
Luckily, I have a spear. I'LL PUT YER EYE OUT WITH THAT
ACK
Okay, that mask spits out evil bone birds. It's nice of them to do an actual palette swap and not just make them Bone Buzzards, I think.
This mask spits out Will-o-Wisp-type enemies like Salabog...
...but we don't get to see it 'cause really, Aegis is a gigantic pussy at heart. Really, what was Not!Horace even planning to do with this thing? It's stuck in the ground! If they didn't feel like being dominated, everyone could just...y'know...LEAVE.
Seriously, this plan sucked. It sucked balls. Eyeballs, even. Congratulations, Not!Horace, you've been beaten out in the evil circuit by an eight-year-old girl. I hope you feel suitably emasculated.
anyway BEHOLD DA POWER OF...axe? Did I seriously have my axe equipped for that? Huh.
Matt: 'Cause he was a giant HEAD stuck in the GROUND. See, I can do it too :D
Andre: I am going to kill all of you while you sleep.
Andre: *ka-HEM*
Horace: And noticeably better work, Andre.
Andre: dang' straight - -
Matt: :D
Horace: Now there are only 452 horrible villains to go!
Matt: D:
YOU DON'T SAY.
Okay, that's a little more enlightening. Hmmmm, evil robot twins...where else have we seen suspicious robots in this game?
Matt doesn't care, foreshadowing is for pussies
MORE explosions? First Aegis exploded to appear, then he exploded to disappear, now he's exploding because he FEELS like it. I so called it on the Diamond Eyes.
When?
Oh. WELL LET'S GET A MOVE ON THEN.
Who are you calling tiny?
'Cause I'm kind of sensitive about my height, y'know.
I AM here. Gawd.
Aww, that's actually kind of sweet. You're an okay guy, H--
Oh :<
i'm a special boy too :<
You know, it'd be funny if he threw it into the exact same spot as the rock, so the bridge to the item outcropping would explode and you'd permanently lose your chance at everything on it. ...at least, it'd be funny if you were Roberta Williams.
CAN HE DO IT, FOLKS? THE SUSPENSE!
I CAN PILOT ANYTHING no wait
Everyone: *step*
Hut!
hup
Hup
HUP
HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Man, Square, way to get an oiled, shaved muscle-man in a loincloth flexing and being vaguely suggestive past the radar in a SNES-era game. Go you.
SCREENWOBBLE
SCREENWOBBLE
SCREENWOBBLE
Matt: Was that the explosion?
Tiny: No. When Tiny flexes, Tiny flexes HARD.
Matt: And another good arm. And two good legs. And a good chest. And a good--
Andre: dude, we're not going there. we're just...not.
Matt: --heart, right! Why, what did you think I was gonna say?
Tune in next time, when Tiny's incredible strength goes to his head! No, no, I kid. That foreshadowing actually has a pretty long fuse on it.
Horace: Have you tried the subway?
Matt: They haven't invented it yet.
Horace: The aqueduct, then?
Horace: I miss television. And showers. And people wearing pants.
Horace: OH GOD I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING MY LIFE'S A LIE
Horace: I'M HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS TRY BACK LATER
Madronius: Oh, is it Tuesday, then?
Madronius: You've earned your "Barking Like a Seal" merit badge! Congratulations!
Guard: THAT BOTHERS ME
Horace: I'm sorry, I seem to have been having an identity crisis. It must be Tuesday.
Horace: Did Little Timmy fall down the aqueduct?
HOW CONVEEEEEEENIENT
Assuming it actually leads somewhere, and isn't just a dead end. Y'know, as caves are wont to be.
Horace: Now all we need is a guinea pig to flush out any inhospitable creatures and trip any deadly traps!
Matt: :D
Horace: :)
Matt: :D
Horace: :)
Matt: :D
Horace: :)
Matt: ...oh you mean ME :/
Politeness about explosive-centric news: Pass it on.
Horace: More likely, you could get killed in any number of horrible ways.
Matt: I like them odds!
Matt: BRAVELY AND BLINDLY INTO THE ABYSS WE CHARGE
Andre: why am I not in Vegas yet?
Free stuff?
Free stuff! :D
Ooooo, YOINK.
You rock, Horace. Not quite as hard as Fire Eyes, but pretty dang' hard. I'm gonna miss you :<
D-do we really have to say goodbye so soon?
Oh God, I promised myself I wasn't...wasn't gonna...WAAAAAAH
AAAAH oh hey gratitude and acclaim :D Granted, it's not the most topical gratitude and acclaim, but all fawning is appreciated, peasant.
NPC: That was a good thing you did. Good job, you.
Okay, it's Easter egg time. This one is well-hidden, so much so that I never discovered it on my own, despite my constant chicken-worrying. The trick is, you have to go up to a chicken and press A to make it squawk over a hundred times. And when you do...
!
. .
> >
< <
. .
:O
ASADFJLL;FASLD;KFLJADSJK
l;ksdfl;ak
eeeeeeehehehehe. love this game.
love it so much.
I kind of expected her to up the price, but I guess she gets that a lot.
Pffft, no thanks. What good is a chicken if you can't taunt it?
I WILL TAUNT CHICKENS UP TO AND WITH MY LAST BREATH. Another one hundred taunts later (I actually used ZSNES' turbo function for the first time ever just for this)...
TRY AND STOP ME
OH SHI--
asdfjlf;sdafj''afASJFKDL;KJF;LJFDjl;l;afd
sdfa;ljflow.
Say, I wonder...
Ffff. Okay, fine, we'll roll with that.
Goat: Meanie :<
Okay, just a little more housecleaning to do before we get on with the plot. You guys are lucky--I always forget this part when I play, and a lot of people don't even know it exists, but I was reminded by a walkthrough when looking up information on the pyramid, so here it is. Remember the guy who taught us Drain before we went to confront Horace? If you go back and talk to him again...
...you get fresh dialogue and a new formula! Remember, in RPGland, it pays not to just talk to everybody, but to talk to everybody twice. Unless, y'know, it's a Sierra game, in which case doing something too many times is just as bad as not doing it enough.
Just doing our duty, civilian :D
Why, thank y--WAIT A SECOND. You were holding out on us before? Lame! Fine, I'll take your stupid formula. I guess.
First, though, jumping back in time for a brief demo of the Drain formula, 'cause I forgot during the boss fight.
A stream of blue bubbles fly out of your enemy...
...and into you.
Wow, a whole 4 HP. How...utterly useless.
Okay, let's try Double Drain.
Hm...the substitution of Vinegar for Root makes it distinctly more expensive than Drain Lite.
It does have 100% more glowing arrows, though. I guess that's a good sign.
TWO streams of GREEN bubbles fly out of your enemy...
...and into you, for a slightly less measly 7 HP. So...much more expensive, but still pretty useless, and it's not even totally doubled. Yeah, this one's going off of my list post-haste. Oh well, at least I'll never kick myself for missing it.
Okay, let's do this thing. As you can see, the river drained off into the freshly-opened tunnel. As this is a desert, soon the oasis that has sprung up against all odds in the barren wasteland will wither and die, and life as we know it will cease for these simple, sand-dwelling people, animals, and plants.
But more importantly, we can walk down there without getting our jeans wet! Totally more relevant than the local ecosystem. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when denim rides up on your doolies? Yeah.
This area is barely an area. Just a few Mad Monks...
...and a gaping abyss. Oh well, I guess we should turn back and look somewhere else--
Matt: I AM A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY
Oh hell.
Andre: lol |)
Matt: WHY IS NO ONE JOINING ME IN MY MAJESTIC FLIGHT
Andre: yeah uh huh okay I'll catch up good buddy
Matt: AUTOMATIC WARPS UNITE US IN A SYMPHONY OF JOY AND COMPOUND FRACTURES
Andre: NOT COOL NOT COOL
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA*THUMP*
*CRACK*
*LACERATE*
Honestly, the sound effects for this segment are hilarious. One of the collisions squishes.
OH GOD I BROKE MY BGLAYER6
Seriously, something in this segment made my screen spaz out like a code possessed. Through some small miracle this is the only screencap it affects, but I did kind of speed through the area because it was making me nervous. You're not missing much, it's actually a short maze if you know what you're doing.
Where were we? Oh yeah: Owwww...
Ugh...where are we?
...hello?
...h-hello?
...I-I hear things in the dark...
It's dark in here too. I don't like this place D:
Andre: suck it up |<
IT'S DARK AND COLD AND SCARY AND oh hey a thingy :D
*P
OO
F*
*FOOP*
oooh golly. Magic atomic rollercoaster! Iwannarideagain :D
AGH ACK WHAT IS IT KILL IT WITH FIRE AGH
Oh, it's just an Oglin. These guys are everywhere underground, and they're not that tough. They like to do smack-and-runs, but otherwise, they're just--
ow throwback
Oh shi--he knocked me into a teleporter?
Into a dead end?!
THAT IS AN OGLIN AMBUSH OW OW ARGH
Phew. I've played this game a few times, but that's the first time the AI has managed to do something as clever as that. It was a TOTAL accident, but it goes to show you that even basic programs are complex twice a day. Scary stuff.
Well, at least we're out of it now. Hey, boy, do you like the atomic rollercoaster?
Andre: urrrrgh yurk yurk yurk
Uh-oh. Matt, better check the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook's "Dog" section under "Telling Barks From Barfs"...ooh, too late.
I...is this the remains of the last player? D: I don't like this place!
OH MY GOD ANDRE'S FOUND SOMETHING! HE MUST BE SCENTING THE WAY OUT OF HERE!
KEEP GOING, BOY! LEAD US TO SWEET, SWEET DAYLIGHT! LEAD US TO FREEDOM!
LEAD US TO...um...
*sigh* Thank you, Andre.
Andre: ain't no thing
Ugh, another dead end. I'm getting really sick of these useless--
--awesome precious loot dead ends :D
H-hey...is that...
PRECIOUS DAYLIGHT YES
OH SWEET JOYOUS DAY THIS IS THAT WE ARE--
--BEING RAPED BY RANDOM TENTACLES OW OW OW AUGH WTF
ACK
AAAACKSADL;FJAL;SDFJL;F
CRIPES. Jeebus. Okay.
Aquagoth is cooler than any goth ever, by the merit of being a squid that can cause acid storms. This is truth. No arguments. He also can put you in a sticky wicket if you're ill-prepared, so be sure to level up before going into the labyrinth.
Aaand tentacles. You know, I'm as fond of naughty tentacles as the next girl (provided the next girl is also a pervy tentacle-fancier), but this is not the happy kind of tentacle naughtiness that I am accustomed to. Bad tentacles! No tentacle biscuit!
Anyway, everyone knows that when you see a giant, bulbous, pulsing eye...
YOU THROW A HARPOON INTO IT
Aquagoth: Bitch, you did NOT just do that.
Unfortunately, the Dog can't reach the squid proper for some reason, so Matt's more or less alone in this fight. More unfortunately, this won't be the last or the most annoying example of this trope in this world.
Oh, did I mention that tentacles pop up and stab you every few seconds, especially if you stand within spear-throwing distance? FUN.
And this formula gives you Plague status. MORE FUN.
Ghhh. I was actually pretty worried during this fight, which is something that hasn't happened since...well, the raptor fight in Episode 1 that I cheated bravely pulled through by the skin of my teeth. It's definitely grinding time once I get out of here.
Oh, and it randomly throws Oglins at you. SO MUCH FUN.
Thankfully, no sea creature alive can stand up to a good spearing.
Also thankfully, everything in Evermore is made of Explodium wtf why is TV Tropes down right now. Even if it's underwater.
OH SHI--THE SQUID IS MELTING DOWN! TAKOYAKI FALLOUT! I'M MUTATING AND IT'S DELICIOUS!
C-C-C-CALAMARI
Aaaand...instead of doing his standard victory pose, Matt savagely stabs at thin air. I...I think maybe someone's been underground too long.
Matt: I'M COVERED IN BUUUUUUUUGS
Andre: lol claustrophobia
Apparently, if your Honey is maxed out at six, the game will glitch and allow you to take as a seventh piece. I don't know if it lasts forever or just once or anything, Honey's freaking expensive and barely worth it once you have your Heal leveled up, so I've never tried it. Can any other players report in?
Anyway.
H-hey...either the barely-breathable cave air has gone to my head, or I hear music!
(This is one of my favorite tracks in the game. Fo' srs. It gets me all excited. I'm a sucker for mysterious-sounding tracks like that |D)
Bucket? I see no--
*ka-BUCKET*
Oh :B
Matt: I HAS A BUCKET
Andre: NOOOOO THEY BE STEALIN' MY BUCKET
And so, Matt ascends into a new world...and leaves us behind. Jerk. Well, it'll take me a few days to make a rope out of semi-exploded tentacles...we'll just have to wait until then.
Next time: Feathery hedgehogs? Freakshows? Pigs? Poodles? Del dives headlong into her favorite world, and hilarity and brain injuries ensue.