Screencaps of Evermore--"Madness? THIS IS NOBILIA!"
Welp, here we are again. I apologize for the long absence, but my classes got to the point that I just didn't have the time or volition to update. I'm sure I could've tossed off entries if I had really needed to, but they would've been even more sub-standard than usual, and I respect this project more than that. Now, though, I'm facing several sweet, sweet months free of graphing and cellular structure, so now, hopefully the screencaps get done and I make a neat pun for the people who are still alive reading. See? Game references! I'm in rare form today, folks! Granted, that form of rare is "lukewarm and dripping blood", but it's a step in the right direction, yes?
When we last left our heroes, they were split up from each other, one unknowingly masquerading as an unlikely religious symbol, the other lost in a dark and very expensive forest wide and very annoying desert. At last, Matt reached an ancient city...but what hidden dangers might lie in store for him there?
I enter all places by the authority of me and me alone, buddy. Except Disneyworld. Hella security at Disneyworld.
WELL I'D BETTER TAKE 'EM OFF, THEN
At least I don't have fourteen identical cousins, NPC-face.
Prophet: BUGGRIT! MILLENIUM HAND AND SHRIMP!
NPC: Sage :O
But then came THE BOULDERS
Really? Do you speak of death as a bone white haze, taking the lost and the unloved babe? Late, too late, all the wretches run, these kings of beasts now counting their days?
From mother's love, is the son estranged? Married his own his precious gain? The earth will shake, in two will break, and death all around will be our dowry?
Or are we talking gas prices up another ten cents?
THE HORROR.
You must be this tall to ride this plotline ---
YAY YAY YAY THE TRADING SYSTEM! This is so cool, honestly. The market is FULL of stuff you can barter for. And I mean FULL. I originally took caps of all the booths, but it bloated up the entry by a good hundred screenshots because it's so freaking HUGE, so I pared it down to the essentials. It's one of my favorite parts, however. I've spent many happy hours racing around trading, and the base parts of the lexicon of value are committed to memory (3 jewels-->1 bag of rice; 3 bags of rice-->1 jar of spice). I'm also quite fond of the ambient sound for the area. Rhubarb rhubarb chickens rhubarb...market-licious!
OH BOY, 50 JEWELS. I can get that by offing, like...one wizard. You guys need to get into the "whack things with femurs until they bleed money" business.
I'm still not really sure what this refers to, honestly. Unless I've forgotten something, there aren't any underwater caves you can get to in the area.
Mmmmm, gonna need me one'a those. The market is chock-full of useful charms.
Useful for when you're done, since you always seem to end up with an odd number of bags of rice or something you can't get rid of.
You people want my toenails too? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Theeeere's the appraisal lady. I think I took all the charms I had to her once to see what she'd say about each, but I don't remember what she said. Should I do it again? YOU, THE AUDIENCE, DECIDE. y'know, all two and a half of you.
Matt: I am mad sezzay yes :D
Matt: You mean at night, when the entire desert freezes into a bitter wasteland just as bad as the boiling sea of sand during the day?
NPC: Yeah, there's a reason we kinda only have the one city.
Oh yeah, another thing that's neat about the marketplace is that it doesn't hold to the "Everything is worth buying and at a reasonable price because you are TEH HERO" rule. You can get snookered but good. There are, I think, three different sellers each for spice and rice, the most basic trading commodities, and two each fooooor...jars, beads, and possibly perfume. The best deals on spice and rice, thankfully, are right next to each other, up at the top of the square.
ANIMALS! They make sounds when you talk to them! Goat goes BAAAAAAAAAA
Chicken goes B'KAAAAAAWK
OMFG. SELL ME CHICKENS.
no I don't buy extras and carry them around for the entire rest of the game for good luck and company what
BAAAAAAAAAA okay done now really
I HAVE NO TOENAILS. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Mummified cats are big business in this town.
BIG business.
Hmmmm. Do I smell a fetch quest, or is that just the goats?
Awww. I bet you've got one more left in you, old dude. Rock on.
He means the juggler who looks strangely like an amputee in this shot wtf where is his other hand
HEY MISTER HEY MISTER IS THIS BUGGING YOU HEY MISTER WANT SOME FIRE ANTS I BET YOU DO
REALLY FREAKING BIG BUSINESS OKAY
Oh ho ho, how droll.
So this was life before YouTube, huh. I wonder if I could find a guy juggling fish online.
Yeah, that took all of two minutes
This is three times the best deal in the market. PEDDLE YOUR WARES ELSEWHERE, SIR.
I know exactly how you feel, sir.
These are higher-level trading goods. Man suddenly I'm wondering why you can't buy mummified cats. That'd be awesome.
YES YES GIMME GIMME GIMME
It'll do NOTHING of the sort, but if you remember from so many months ago, it WILL grant me passage across that godforsaken desert so GIMME
That crunches down to a mere 90 jewels, as opposed to the 10,000 the guy across the river was charging. Demand and supply, man, demand and supply.
Matt: I bet my dog would like to track dirt in there :<
FISHY
MAGIC FISHY
Enh, sure, sample the local cuisine, why not. It's not like it's a big pile of fish in the middle of the desert that have likely been lying in the boiling sun all day and will probably give me the most horrible diseases known to ancient man or anything.
Ooooooh! It's HP-licious!
Right, I've gotta hit at least two of those and fast. Why?
I WONDER.
Actually, the real reason it's gotta be fast is because the second you step into the city, a real-time clock starts ticking towards the next plot event, although you can't see it. Once it gets down to ten minutes, the people you talk to will give you these little warnings before going on with their usual NPC spiel. It's a nice touch, really.
See?
This lady is the best rice dealer in town. She's made several small fortunes off me. Probably bought chickens with the profits. Lucky bitch.
Rice is the most basic trading commodity, so this is where we start the bartering! LET'S GET READY TO...UH...BUY SHIT oh God it's two in the morning already
But where would we keep bags of rice? Why, in our Bag of Holding, of course!
Yeah, I bought all I could carry, more or less. It may look excessive, but it really isn't.
Aaaand here's my charm screen. Did I get a shot of this? Don't recall. Anyway, see how lonely it is? We're gonna fix that :D
Oh, this bodes well.
Oh, well I'd certainly like to--OH GOD PUT THAT THING AWAY YOU PERVERT D<
See that line? That line right there? This is why I love this game.
But how will you measure the spice out without a spoon? :O
THAT IS A FINE DEAL, GOOD SIR. And wut, souvenir spoons from misplaced cities are for everyone. EVERYONE.
NPC: Today's spoon is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: I will :D
HEY GUESS WHAT
THIS GOURD
THIS GOURD IS TOTALLY FUCKING USELESS
AND THE ITEM HE ASKS FOR DOUBLES YOUR HP
AND ONCE YOU TRADE IT, YOU CAN NEVER GET IT BACK, EVER
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE
ONE TIME I LEFT MY GAME PAUSED IN THE MARKETPLACE, AND MY SISTER CAME BY AND TRADED FOR THE GOURD AS A JOKE
ONLY SHE DIDN'T TELL ME
AND I CAME BACK AND SAVED
THANKS MEGAN, THAT WAS GREAT HA HA HA HA
Seriously, it was devastating. She not only lost me the egg, but traded off four or five other IRREPLACEABLE items somehow. And this wasn't at this point of the game, oh no. This was RIGHT BEFORE THE END, when I was coming back to polish off some loose ends. I still haven't let her hear the end of that one.
Anyway. Where were we?
Ohhh, right. Armor. The one thing you really wanna go for before the meeting is armor. Ignore the chestplate booth, you'll pick one up from a treasure chest.
oh and ONE OF THE HATS IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER WHY DO I ALWAYS GET CAUGHT IN THE INFERIOR HAT TRAP
Acne. It's sad, really.
i am a good cityzen
Ooh, this is one of my favorite parts ever! I love this guy!
GOD I LOVE THIS GAME.
Anyway, plot stuff. What, no mummified cats this time?
OHCRAPIFORGOT. Going into this area jump-ends the real-time clock for those impatient to get on with it. I, on the other hand, had more trading to do D: Dang!
Is this a meeting or an execution? . .
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLAAAAAH BLAH BLAH
Except you don't. Dangit, I should've known better. Crap crap crap.
VOLLEYBALL TIME EVERYONE
love this game
LOOK LOOK WHAT I'M PLAYING ON AND AROUND HA HA HA
Wait, this looks kind of familiar...
Does. Not. Bode. Well.
There's a guy there, really. My capping skills are as great as ever.
Fact: When city leaders start talking about Utopia, with a capital U, it is considered prudent to head for the hills.
Explosions? Whores? Kittens?
Guard: They have to turn back the sheets and put mints on the pillows, still. Go away.
YET.
AGH VICTOR KUDO
NO NO NOT IN MY EYES
NO NO NO I NEED MORE CHICKENS D:
Well, at least I got a little business done. Here's my trade goods by the start of the meeting...
...and here are my charms. The Sheath ups the attack power of swords.
Okay, let's do this thing.
wait a second, I think I know where this is going
no
NO
NO NO NO
BAD DOG NO
Ohhh, this is not a good thing. He woofs here, for the record.
Matt: I'm out there getting mugged by tumbleweeds in the Endless Desert of DOOM and YOU'RE playing L. Ron Hubbard!
Andre: wtfever, mortal |(
out of SPITE
I'll thank you to refrain from personal remarks, please
Matt: Cool, I get to watch a fight :D
NPC: Until your eyes are gouged out and fed to you, yes.
Matt: :D :) :
Oh ho ho, how amusing! You see, it is funny, because his NAME is "Tiny", but he is actually quite a large man! It is a pune, or play on words! Also, we are boned.
It's things like these that make me glad that there's virtually no Secret of Evermore fanfiction out there. Srsly.
Tiny: There's an extra blanket in the dresser if you need it, the bathroom light switch is on the left, and there are clean towels in the cupboard. Tiny hopes you will enjoy your stay.
Matt: Oh, good, 'cause I was getting the impression that--
Matt: Oh :<
Matt: I mean, his name is "Tiny", but he's actually a huge guy! That's great! Oh, and I'm boned.
snrk. Pompolonious.
Matt: Tiny isn't actually tiny at all! It's very misleading!
Pompolonious: What type are you, then?
Matt: Is "running-screaming-wetting-pants-begging-for-mercy" a category?
Pompolonious: No.
Matt: I guess I'll class out to Cleric, then.
I SEE YOU SNIGGERING, ANDRE
dramatic pause
to be BONED. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!
Pompolonious: Only there's no automatic advance this time, so technically you can come out whenever you feel like it. Seriously, if you wanna go make a sandwich, take a shower, whatever, that's cool, we can't stop you.
This should be obvious, but IF YOU DO THIS, DOUBLE-SAVE. Otherwise, if you can't beat the boss, you will not have any chance to level and you will be UTTERLY SCREWED. THANKS, SOE.
*laughtrack*
SPARTAN
that would be enough for a SPARTAN
And a Stone Vest. Occasionally I'll forget and buy one in the marketplace beforehand, and cursing will happen, but I remembered this time :D
Terribly uncomfortable, I'm sure, but worth it.
hiff hiff hiff. Aw, he is so darned cute! I don't care that you've doomed us to die against some horrible sweaty testosterone-ridden freak of nature, Andre, I'm glad you're back :D
Andre: wtfever
Okay, let's do this thing. And yeah, you have to fight solo. Presumably it's considered uncouth for a sacred animal to rip out too many throats.
*doodly-doodly-doop*
Andre: I delcared war on Venezuela.
Matt: Oh, Andre!
*laughtrack*
d'aaaaaw.
*cough* Sorry.
In the Arena!" And the crowd goes wild (as needed)!
Wow, it's pretty packed. I wonder if there's anyone famous out there. Anyone like...like...
OMFG. HEY GUYS! GUUUUYS! GUYS I SEE YOOOOU!
INCLUDING PART OF THE CAST FROM FFVI HEY GUYS
HEY GUYS I'M KIND OF IN TROUBLE I COULD USE A HAND
LIKE SERIOUSLY I SEE UMARO IN THERE SO YOU'VE GOTTA BE TOTALLY LEVELED OUT OF YOUR GOURDS BY NOW RIGHT
YOU COULD CONCEIVABLY HAVE ULTIMA BY NOW, I COULD USE ME SOME OF THAT
COULD REALLY USE IT
HELLO???
PLEASE???
...please? :<
they are not helping. and Setzer is not with them. i am sad now. woe.
Right, where were we? Oh yeah, utter doom.
Heeeey, why does he get a fanfare? I didn't get a fanfare. This place sucks :<
BAM
And the crowd goes wild!
Audience: Yaaaaaay.
I checked as a kid--according to what you're equipped with, you're a loser with a stick, femur, or claw. Nice to see thorough programming.
Did I mention the crowd throws garbage that can actually cause you HP damage? Yeah, they do. FUN. There's supposedly a safe place to stand, but I've never found it. Better to just keep moving.
AT LEAST THE RETURNERS ARE
RIGHT GUYS
RIGHT
YOU WOULDN'T THROW GARBAGE AT US
RIGHT
right?
I'm really not sure whether that sounds more like gladiator-themed porn or a History Channel special.
is that what they're calling it these days
If I can be serious for a minute, I really do like Matt's boundless optimism. Contrary to appearances, I've never really been fond of angstbucket RPG protagonists. Playing a character is like being on a road trip with them (a long, long one in most Squeenix cases), and I'm always happier to sit shotgun to someone who cracks jokes the whole way, albeit lame ones, and doesn't mind me singing along with the radio. Sure, we're about to get our asses kicked by a Spartan in a cart-an, but at least we can have fun doing it!
'kdone. Let's get this over with.
Matt: Can't we just play rock-paper-scissors for it?
Vigor: VIGOR EAT HATED SCISSORS! RAAAAAAH!
Matt: OW MY SQUEEDILY-SPOOCH
Actually, this fight isn't so bad if you're levelled properly. There is a trick to it, though...
...he's totally invincible when attacked from the front. Luckily, the gladiators are not known for the sharpness of their wit, and there's a huge honkin' weak spot in back. He charges like a bull, turns slowly, and can't back up, so as long as you can slip behind him, you're golden.
More garbage. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME
Bingo bangai-o! Right inna sweet spot! A few more hits, and...
spin
spin
spin
EXPLODE
Matt: wut . .
Matt: Hey, gladiators bleed money! :D
POWER OF DA STICK!
Pompolonious: And taking a crack shot at the guy who threw an apple core at him earlier! Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark. And by "mark" I mean "life-threatening laceration".
ka-JUMP
Heck yeah, biz-natch!
Matt: I like swords :D
Pompolonious: Funny, the last fighter we had through said the same thing.
Finally, an actual WEAPON. Thank God for the Bronze Age.
One of those leaf crown thingies? Medical assistance? A Caeser salad? Half the kingdom and his daughter's hand in marriage?
Oh, Matt. You've been short one o' those for a long time. Why start now?
Pompolonious: Your mom, your mom, and your mom.
Matt: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE
Matt: What? But I haven't even told you my--
Pompolonious: I know these things. With smartness. Now get your ass over there and FETCH.
Oh, THAT sounds promising. Don't drink the Kool-Aid, Matt!
Matt: Could I interest you in enlightenment by way of the eldritch horrors of the great Old Ones instead?
Pompolonious: That doesn't sound nearly fluffy enough to be sacred!
Matt: Although I'm starting to doubt where his loyalties really lie, lately...
Andre: lol |3
Great and VAGUE power. C'mon, guys, you can tell us the secret! We're all friends here! ...right?
Duster? :O
This sounds like such a classic MST3K-movie line. I can practically see the silhouette against the silver screen and hear the weeping of Joel/Mike and the 'bots. I love it<3
FETCH QUEST AT STEVE'S, WOOOOOOO
y halo thar Mr. Wallface
Bad Guy: It's cool, it's cool. Got a guy on it. It's cool.
OH NO! It's actually Mr. Clean and his hellish army of Scrubbing Bubbles, out to disinfect the world with EVIL! WE'RE DOOMED!
Wallface: They'll get their FILTHY FILTHY hands all over them! Filthy...dirty...hands...
Wallface: I don't want any more precious relics getting swallowed, do you hear me?
Bad Guy: In my defense, fewer precious relics should look like candy.
Wallface: Filthy dirty filthy WHORES. GET ME MY GERM-X.
Wallface: so do WHORES. CHLAMYDIA IS NOT A FLOWER, NUMBER TWO.
Oooooooh, I hope it's an ice cream cake! :D ~Expect a visit from Fudgy the Whale, ice cream and crunchies in his fudgy tail...
Wallface: He unmasked the crusty old caretaker and proved that the giant bug was...well, a giant bug, but one that could be set on fire!
Note to self--find old coot on the other side of the river. I love player-omnipotence!
Bad Guy: Rocky ass.
Wallface: Meatbag whore.
Zounds! Our heroes have been reunited, but peril awaits them across the desert! And even if they retrieve the Diamond Eyes, can they survive the trap they'll inevitably return to? Find out...eventually in Screencaps of Evermore!
Next episode: More marketplace fun, the desert ferry, and more whining about the Diamond Eyes
When we last left our heroes, they were split up from each other, one unknowingly masquerading as an unlikely religious symbol, the other lost in a dark and very expensive forest wide and very annoying desert. At last, Matt reached an ancient city...but what hidden dangers might lie in store for him there?
I enter all places by the authority of me and me alone, buddy. Except Disneyworld. Hella security at Disneyworld.
WELL I'D BETTER TAKE 'EM OFF, THEN
At least I don't have fourteen identical cousins, NPC-face.
Prophet: BUGGRIT! MILLENIUM HAND AND SHRIMP!
NPC: Sage :O
But then came THE BOULDERS
Really? Do you speak of death as a bone white haze, taking the lost and the unloved babe? Late, too late, all the wretches run, these kings of beasts now counting their days?
From mother's love, is the son estranged? Married his own his precious gain? The earth will shake, in two will break, and death all around will be our dowry?
Or are we talking gas prices up another ten cents?
THE HORROR.
You must be this tall to ride this plotline ---
YAY YAY YAY THE TRADING SYSTEM! This is so cool, honestly. The market is FULL of stuff you can barter for. And I mean FULL. I originally took caps of all the booths, but it bloated up the entry by a good hundred screenshots because it's so freaking HUGE, so I pared it down to the essentials. It's one of my favorite parts, however. I've spent many happy hours racing around trading, and the base parts of the lexicon of value are committed to memory (3 jewels-->1 bag of rice; 3 bags of rice-->1 jar of spice). I'm also quite fond of the ambient sound for the area. Rhubarb rhubarb chickens rhubarb...market-licious!
OH BOY, 50 JEWELS. I can get that by offing, like...one wizard. You guys need to get into the "whack things with femurs until they bleed money" business.
I'm still not really sure what this refers to, honestly. Unless I've forgotten something, there aren't any underwater caves you can get to in the area.
Mmmmm, gonna need me one'a those. The market is chock-full of useful charms.
Useful for when you're done, since you always seem to end up with an odd number of bags of rice or something you can't get rid of.
You people want my toenails too? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Theeeere's the appraisal lady. I think I took all the charms I had to her once to see what she'd say about each, but I don't remember what she said. Should I do it again? YOU, THE AUDIENCE, DECIDE. y'know, all two and a half of you.
Matt: I am mad sezzay yes :D
Matt: You mean at night, when the entire desert freezes into a bitter wasteland just as bad as the boiling sea of sand during the day?
NPC: Yeah, there's a reason we kinda only have the one city.
Oh yeah, another thing that's neat about the marketplace is that it doesn't hold to the "Everything is worth buying and at a reasonable price because you are TEH HERO" rule. You can get snookered but good. There are, I think, three different sellers each for spice and rice, the most basic trading commodities, and two each fooooor...jars, beads, and possibly perfume. The best deals on spice and rice, thankfully, are right next to each other, up at the top of the square.
ANIMALS! They make sounds when you talk to them! Goat goes BAAAAAAAAAA
Chicken goes B'KAAAAAAWK
OMFG. SELL ME CHICKENS.
no I don't buy extras and carry them around for the entire rest of the game for good luck and company what
BAAAAAAAAAA okay done now really
I HAVE NO TOENAILS. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Mummified cats are big business in this town.
BIG business.
Hmmmm. Do I smell a fetch quest, or is that just the goats?
Awww. I bet you've got one more left in you, old dude. Rock on.
He means the juggler who looks strangely like an amputee in this shot wtf where is his other hand
HEY MISTER HEY MISTER IS THIS BUGGING YOU HEY MISTER WANT SOME FIRE ANTS I BET YOU DO
REALLY FREAKING BIG BUSINESS OKAY
Oh ho ho, how droll.
So this was life before YouTube, huh. I wonder if I could find a guy juggling fish online.
Yeah, that took all of two minutes
This is three times the best deal in the market. PEDDLE YOUR WARES ELSEWHERE, SIR.
I know exactly how you feel, sir.
These are higher-level trading goods. Man suddenly I'm wondering why you can't buy mummified cats. That'd be awesome.
YES YES GIMME GIMME GIMME
It'll do NOTHING of the sort, but if you remember from so many months ago, it WILL grant me passage across that godforsaken desert so GIMME
That crunches down to a mere 90 jewels, as opposed to the 10,000 the guy across the river was charging. Demand and supply, man, demand and supply.
Matt: I bet my dog would like to track dirt in there :<
FISHY
MAGIC FISHY
Enh, sure, sample the local cuisine, why not. It's not like it's a big pile of fish in the middle of the desert that have likely been lying in the boiling sun all day and will probably give me the most horrible diseases known to ancient man or anything.
Ooooooh! It's HP-licious!
Right, I've gotta hit at least two of those and fast. Why?
I WONDER.
Actually, the real reason it's gotta be fast is because the second you step into the city, a real-time clock starts ticking towards the next plot event, although you can't see it. Once it gets down to ten minutes, the people you talk to will give you these little warnings before going on with their usual NPC spiel. It's a nice touch, really.
See?
This lady is the best rice dealer in town. She's made several small fortunes off me. Probably bought chickens with the profits. Lucky bitch.
Rice is the most basic trading commodity, so this is where we start the bartering! LET'S GET READY TO...UH...BUY SHIT oh God it's two in the morning already
But where would we keep bags of rice? Why, in our Bag of Holding, of course!
Yeah, I bought all I could carry, more or less. It may look excessive, but it really isn't.
Aaaand here's my charm screen. Did I get a shot of this? Don't recall. Anyway, see how lonely it is? We're gonna fix that :D
Oh, this bodes well.
Oh, well I'd certainly like to--OH GOD PUT THAT THING AWAY YOU PERVERT D<
See that line? That line right there? This is why I love this game.
But how will you measure the spice out without a spoon? :O
THAT IS A FINE DEAL, GOOD SIR. And wut, souvenir spoons from misplaced cities are for everyone. EVERYONE.
NPC: Today's spoon is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: I will :D
HEY GUESS WHAT
THIS GOURD
THIS GOURD IS TOTALLY FUCKING USELESS
AND THE ITEM HE ASKS FOR DOUBLES YOUR HP
AND ONCE YOU TRADE IT, YOU CAN NEVER GET IT BACK, EVER
AND GUESS WHAT ELSE
ONE TIME I LEFT MY GAME PAUSED IN THE MARKETPLACE, AND MY SISTER CAME BY AND TRADED FOR THE GOURD AS A JOKE
ONLY SHE DIDN'T TELL ME
AND I CAME BACK AND SAVED
THANKS MEGAN, THAT WAS GREAT HA HA HA HA
Seriously, it was devastating. She not only lost me the egg, but traded off four or five other IRREPLACEABLE items somehow. And this wasn't at this point of the game, oh no. This was RIGHT BEFORE THE END, when I was coming back to polish off some loose ends. I still haven't let her hear the end of that one.
Anyway. Where were we?
Ohhh, right. Armor. The one thing you really wanna go for before the meeting is armor. Ignore the chestplate booth, you'll pick one up from a treasure chest.
oh and ONE OF THE HATS IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER WHY DO I ALWAYS GET CAUGHT IN THE INFERIOR HAT TRAP
Acne. It's sad, really.
i am a good cityzen
Ooh, this is one of my favorite parts ever! I love this guy!
GOD I LOVE THIS GAME.
Anyway, plot stuff. What, no mummified cats this time?
OHCRAPIFORGOT. Going into this area jump-ends the real-time clock for those impatient to get on with it. I, on the other hand, had more trading to do D: Dang!
Is this a meeting or an execution? . .
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLAAAAAH BLAH BLAH
Except you don't. Dangit, I should've known better. Crap crap crap.
VOLLEYBALL TIME EVERYONE
love this game
LOOK LOOK WHAT I'M PLAYING ON AND AROUND HA HA HA
Wait, this looks kind of familiar...
Does. Not. Bode. Well.
There's a guy there, really. My capping skills are as great as ever.
Fact: When city leaders start talking about Utopia, with a capital U, it is considered prudent to head for the hills.
Explosions? Whores? Kittens?
Guard: They have to turn back the sheets and put mints on the pillows, still. Go away.
YET.
AGH VICTOR KUDO
NO NO NOT IN MY EYES
NO NO NO I NEED MORE CHICKENS D:
Well, at least I got a little business done. Here's my trade goods by the start of the meeting...
...and here are my charms. The Sheath ups the attack power of swords.
Okay, let's do this thing.
wait a second, I think I know where this is going
no
NO
NO NO NO
BAD DOG NO
Ohhh, this is not a good thing. He woofs here, for the record.
Matt: I'm out there getting mugged by tumbleweeds in the Endless Desert of DOOM and YOU'RE playing L. Ron Hubbard!
Andre: wtfever, mortal |(
out of SPITE
I'll thank you to refrain from personal remarks, please
Matt: Cool, I get to watch a fight :D
NPC: Until your eyes are gouged out and fed to you, yes.
Matt: :D :) :
Oh ho ho, how amusing! You see, it is funny, because his NAME is "Tiny", but he is actually quite a large man! It is a pune, or play on words! Also, we are boned.
It's things like these that make me glad that there's virtually no Secret of Evermore fanfiction out there. Srsly.
Tiny: There's an extra blanket in the dresser if you need it, the bathroom light switch is on the left, and there are clean towels in the cupboard. Tiny hopes you will enjoy your stay.
Matt: Oh, good, 'cause I was getting the impression that--
Matt: Oh :<
Matt: I mean, his name is "Tiny", but he's actually a huge guy! That's great! Oh, and I'm boned.
snrk. Pompolonious.
Matt: Tiny isn't actually tiny at all! It's very misleading!
Pompolonious: What type are you, then?
Matt: Is "running-screaming-wetting-pants-begging-for-mercy" a category?
Pompolonious: No.
Matt: I guess I'll class out to Cleric, then.
I SEE YOU SNIGGERING, ANDRE
dramatic pause
to be BONED. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!
Pompolonious: Only there's no automatic advance this time, so technically you can come out whenever you feel like it. Seriously, if you wanna go make a sandwich, take a shower, whatever, that's cool, we can't stop you.
This should be obvious, but IF YOU DO THIS, DOUBLE-SAVE. Otherwise, if you can't beat the boss, you will not have any chance to level and you will be UTTERLY SCREWED. THANKS, SOE.
*laughtrack*
SPARTAN
that would be enough for a SPARTAN
And a Stone Vest. Occasionally I'll forget and buy one in the marketplace beforehand, and cursing will happen, but I remembered this time :D
Terribly uncomfortable, I'm sure, but worth it.
hiff hiff hiff. Aw, he is so darned cute! I don't care that you've doomed us to die against some horrible sweaty testosterone-ridden freak of nature, Andre, I'm glad you're back :D
Andre: wtfever
Okay, let's do this thing. And yeah, you have to fight solo. Presumably it's considered uncouth for a sacred animal to rip out too many throats.
*doodly-doodly-doop*
Andre: I delcared war on Venezuela.
Matt: Oh, Andre!
*laughtrack*
d'aaaaaw.
*cough* Sorry.
In the Arena!" And the crowd goes wild (as needed)!
Wow, it's pretty packed. I wonder if there's anyone famous out there. Anyone like...like...
OMFG. HEY GUYS! GUUUUYS! GUYS I SEE YOOOOU!
INCLUDING PART OF THE CAST FROM FFVI HEY GUYS
HEY GUYS I'M KIND OF IN TROUBLE I COULD USE A HAND
LIKE SERIOUSLY I SEE UMARO IN THERE SO YOU'VE GOTTA BE TOTALLY LEVELED OUT OF YOUR GOURDS BY NOW RIGHT
YOU COULD CONCEIVABLY HAVE ULTIMA BY NOW, I COULD USE ME SOME OF THAT
COULD REALLY USE IT
HELLO???
PLEASE???
...please? :<
they are not helping. and Setzer is not with them. i am sad now. woe.
Right, where were we? Oh yeah, utter doom.
Heeeey, why does he get a fanfare? I didn't get a fanfare. This place sucks :<
BAM
And the crowd goes wild!
Audience: Yaaaaaay.
I checked as a kid--according to what you're equipped with, you're a loser with a stick, femur, or claw. Nice to see thorough programming.
Did I mention the crowd throws garbage that can actually cause you HP damage? Yeah, they do. FUN. There's supposedly a safe place to stand, but I've never found it. Better to just keep moving.
AT LEAST THE RETURNERS ARE
RIGHT GUYS
RIGHT
YOU WOULDN'T THROW GARBAGE AT US
RIGHT
right?
I'm really not sure whether that sounds more like gladiator-themed porn or a History Channel special.
is that what they're calling it these days
If I can be serious for a minute, I really do like Matt's boundless optimism. Contrary to appearances, I've never really been fond of angstbucket RPG protagonists. Playing a character is like being on a road trip with them (a long, long one in most Squeenix cases), and I'm always happier to sit shotgun to someone who cracks jokes the whole way, albeit lame ones, and doesn't mind me singing along with the radio. Sure, we're about to get our asses kicked by a Spartan in a cart-an, but at least we can have fun doing it!
'kdone. Let's get this over with.
Matt: Can't we just play rock-paper-scissors for it?
Vigor: VIGOR EAT HATED SCISSORS! RAAAAAAH!
Matt: OW MY SQUEEDILY-SPOOCH
Actually, this fight isn't so bad if you're levelled properly. There is a trick to it, though...
...he's totally invincible when attacked from the front. Luckily, the gladiators are not known for the sharpness of their wit, and there's a huge honkin' weak spot in back. He charges like a bull, turns slowly, and can't back up, so as long as you can slip behind him, you're golden.
More garbage. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME
Bingo bangai-o! Right inna sweet spot! A few more hits, and...
spin
spin
spin
EXPLODE
Matt: wut . .
Matt: Hey, gladiators bleed money! :D
POWER OF DA STICK!
Pompolonious: And taking a crack shot at the guy who threw an apple core at him earlier! Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark. And by "mark" I mean "life-threatening laceration".
ka-JUMP
Heck yeah, biz-natch!
Matt: I like swords :D
Pompolonious: Funny, the last fighter we had through said the same thing.
Finally, an actual WEAPON. Thank God for the Bronze Age.
One of those leaf crown thingies? Medical assistance? A Caeser salad? Half the kingdom and his daughter's hand in marriage?
Oh, Matt. You've been short one o' those for a long time. Why start now?
Pompolonious: Your mom, your mom, and your mom.
Matt: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE
Matt: What? But I haven't even told you my--
Pompolonious: I know these things. With smartness. Now get your ass over there and FETCH.
Oh, THAT sounds promising. Don't drink the Kool-Aid, Matt!
Matt: Could I interest you in enlightenment by way of the eldritch horrors of the great Old Ones instead?
Pompolonious: That doesn't sound nearly fluffy enough to be sacred!
Matt: Although I'm starting to doubt where his loyalties really lie, lately...
Andre: lol |3
Great and VAGUE power. C'mon, guys, you can tell us the secret! We're all friends here! ...right?
Duster? :O
This sounds like such a classic MST3K-movie line. I can practically see the silhouette against the silver screen and hear the weeping of Joel/Mike and the 'bots. I love it<3
FETCH QUEST AT STEVE'S, WOOOOOOO
y halo thar Mr. Wallface
Bad Guy: It's cool, it's cool. Got a guy on it. It's cool.
OH NO! It's actually Mr. Clean and his hellish army of Scrubbing Bubbles, out to disinfect the world with EVIL! WE'RE DOOMED!
Wallface: They'll get their FILTHY FILTHY hands all over them! Filthy...dirty...hands...
Wallface: I don't want any more precious relics getting swallowed, do you hear me?
Bad Guy: In my defense, fewer precious relics should look like candy.
Wallface: Filthy dirty filthy WHORES. GET ME MY GERM-X.
Wallface: so do WHORES. CHLAMYDIA IS NOT A FLOWER, NUMBER TWO.
Oooooooh, I hope it's an ice cream cake! :D ~Expect a visit from Fudgy the Whale, ice cream and crunchies in his fudgy tail...
Wallface: He unmasked the crusty old caretaker and proved that the giant bug was...well, a giant bug, but one that could be set on fire!
Note to self--find old coot on the other side of the river. I love player-omnipotence!
Bad Guy: Rocky ass.
Wallface: Meatbag whore.
Zounds! Our heroes have been reunited, but peril awaits them across the desert! And even if they retrieve the Diamond Eyes, can they survive the trap they'll inevitably return to? Find out...eventually in Screencaps of Evermore!
Next episode: More marketplace fun, the desert ferry, and more whining about the Diamond Eyes