The Amazing Adventures of Buffillow and Rupert Spikles
So, for still_grrr's Halloween free-for-all, I went with "come as you aren't night".
And yes, I was in a slightly silly mood at the time. How on earth could you tell?
The Amazing Adventures of Buffillow and Rupert Spikles
“You think that worked?”
“Not sure. Just let me… Okay. Nope. Didn’t work.”
“It didn’t?”
“Well, I just tried relighting the candles, and nothing, so no.”
“Well, maybe it just takes a minute to get going. I think I’m feeling a bit stronger… try the candles again, Will.”
“Sod the candles. Where’s the lightswitch?”
“Actually, Buff, it should have happened straight away. Like ‘Poof! Back to normal!’ Plus, I can still do this…”
“Uh, ladies? Lights?”
“Do what?”
“Well, you can’t see, obviously, but I just lifted up the bookcase.”
“So superstrength still all systems go, then? Damn.”
“…or you two can just stand around chatting while I sit here in the dark. Fan-bloody-tastic.”
“Shut up, Spike. Besides, why do you care? You’ve got brilliant night-vision.”
“Uh, no, Slayer. No I don’t.”
“Oh yeah. Well, shut up anyway.”
The lights went on, suddenly.
Xander, his hand on the switch, raised his eyebrows. “Someone want to fill me in? Or did you have a sudden urge to find out what Giles’ living room looks like in pitch blackness?”
The girls looked over and sighed, simultaneously.
* * * * *
“Hi, Xander.” Buffy crossed the room, and shut the door behind him. “We’re just having some… magic issues. And the last spell we tried doesn’t work if anything electrical is nearby, so we thought we’d better shut everything down first.”
“Not that it worked anyway,” Willow commented from the couch.
“Not my fault,” said Spike calmly.
“Magic issues?” Xander dropped his coat on the floor, and leaned against the desk. “What are we talking about here?” He frowned slightly. “And where’s Giles, anyway?”
Buffy and Willow exchanged a worried glance. “That’s… kinda the problem.”
“Well, part of it, anyway.”
“Yep. Part. Not even a big part.”
“Nope. Small, teensy part.”
“That’s just pathetic,” Spike observed, baldly. Two glares were instantly directed his way. “Well, it is. Now, if you’re both finished with the appallingly unconvincing lies, why don’t you get me something to eat?”
“I think we might be out of blood,” said Willow.
Spike just raised his eyebrows and waited.
“Oh. Right. Um… want some chocolate?” She opened her bag and pulled out a candy bar.
“Chocolate’ll be fine. Unless, of course, you want to let me out of this sodding chair, and I could go get a cheeseburger?”
“We’re not untying you,” Buffy said firmly.
“Why not?”
“Because… weirdness notwithstanding, you’re still basically evil.”
He blinked at her. “Did you just say ‘notwithstanding’?”
“Yeah, so? It’s a perfectly serviceable turn of phrase in cases of oh-crap-I’ve-got-the-vocabulary-too.” She looked horrified.
Spike smirked, and bit into his candy bar.
Xander raised his hand. “Uh, guys? Scooby member still not having a clue, right here. What’s going on?”
There was silence for a moment, and everyone seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him. Then Willow sighed resignedly, grabbed his hand, and pulled him down the passage to the bathroom. “That’s what’s going on,” she said.
There, lying unconscious on the linoleum, and wrapped in chains from head to toe, was Giles. Sort of. Except that this Giles had an extremely bumpy forehead and fangs.
* * * * *
Xander knelt down to make certain, to check that he wasn’t just imagining it. Oh, not Giles, please no…
In the doorway, Willow was still speaking. “…not sure exactly how hard I punched him, but he’ll probably be out for a while, anyway. So we thought we’d better-”
He stood up, murderous thoughts rushing to the surface. “Did Buffy dust them?”
“Who?”
“The bastards who- or was it Spike? It was Spike, wasn’t it? I knew that helpless thing was just an act. I’m going to-”
“Xander, calm down.” Willow blocked his way. “It wasn’t Spike. Well, not exactly. And anyway, you can’t stake him.”
He was still trying to get past her. “Why not?” And why was he suddenly not strong enough to push past?
“Because he’s kinda… um… human.” She was suddenly looking awkward again.
He stopped, startled. Willow blushed.
“Will?”
“Yeah?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Well, it was a spell.” She shuffled her feet. “A perfectly ordinary, completely harmless spell that I wanted to try - just for fun, and it should have been okay - and Buffy was here helping me, but then I kinda… um… sneezed-at-the-wrong-moment-and-it-all-went-kinda-screwy-and-it’s-really-not-my-fault-at-all-but-I’m-still-really-really-sorry-and-it’ll-be-okay-once-we-figure-out-how-to-reverse-it-so-it’s-really-not-that-big-a-deal.”
“Uh-huh.” Xander thought a bit more. “Right.”
“That’s all, really.”
“Sure. So, um, why is Spike human?”
“Well, that’s sort of what went wrong. It’s… complicated.”
“Uh-huh. And Giles will be okay?”
“Yeah…”
“Okay.” He relaxed. “Spell reversal’s usually pretty simple, isn’t it?”
Awkwardness again. “Well…”
“Willow?”
* * * * *
An explanation provided, they returned to the living room, where Buffy and Spike were busy going through some books.
“How about this one? It looks reasonably simple.”
He bent over the page, and raised his eyebrows. “Only if I could speak fluent Hindi. And unlike some people, I’ve never been that bored.”
“It’s actually pretty interesting.” Spike looked at her oddly, and Buffy said defensively, “And hey - I’ve never studied it either, remember? It’s not my fault I’m suddenly an expert.”
“More your fault than mine.” He turned the page. “I wasn’t even involved in the bloody spell.”
Xander sank down on the couch. “No luck?”
Buffy looked up. “Not so far. Because the spell we did doesn’t actually exist, there aren’t any standard ways of reversing it, plus the change of primary caster complicates matters, and also we have no way of knowing exactly how powerful a warlock Spike might be, or whether the power transferral was complete or only partial… and-oh-god-I’m-doing-it-again.” She put her face in her hands and groaned. “Somebody stop me.”
Willow looked slightly worried, but Xander grinned. “Hey Buff, if this turns out to be permanent, we really should get you a new name. Like… Gilesina.”
A glare. “Not funny.” But then she suddenly laughed. “What would we call the others?”
“Simple.” He pointed to each of them, including back over his shoulder for Giles. “Rupert Spikles, the Wicked Vamp of the West, and… um… Buffillow.”
More laughter.
Spike rolled his eyes, and then passed the book back over. “How about this one? Looks do-able.”
Buffy read the spell, with Willow looking over her shoulder. “Hey, you’re right! This should be easy.” She turned the page. “As long as Giles has pasta sauce and tinfoil, anyway.”
* * * * *
“…a turn unmade, a power bestowed,
a wish unthought, a change entire,
remove this most unwelcome load,
restore the form that we desire.”
There was a crash of thunder, a gust of wind, and every window in the room suddenly shattered, as the lights went out once again.
A brief pause, and then Willow’s voice broke the silence. “Wow. Do you think that worked?”
Another pause, and then:
“Um…”
“Um…”
“What…”
“Oh, bloody hell!”
She found the lightswitch, flipped it back on, and turned.
There, still tied to a chair, was Spike - who was looking much more like a vampire, and also decidedly more female than he’d been ten minutes earlier.
And the room also contained a short blond guy, a girl who looked kinda like a young Mrs Harris (in Willow’s opinion), and an older woman who was still in chains and starting to regain consciousness.
Willow looked down at herself. Well, at least she seemed to be back to normal.
Buffy sighed, ruefully. “Yeah… I think we might need to try something else…”
And yes, I was in a slightly silly mood at the time. How on earth could you tell?
The Amazing Adventures of Buffillow and Rupert Spikles
“You think that worked?”
“Not sure. Just let me… Okay. Nope. Didn’t work.”
“It didn’t?”
“Well, I just tried relighting the candles, and nothing, so no.”
“Well, maybe it just takes a minute to get going. I think I’m feeling a bit stronger… try the candles again, Will.”
“Sod the candles. Where’s the lightswitch?”
“Actually, Buff, it should have happened straight away. Like ‘Poof! Back to normal!’ Plus, I can still do this…”
“Uh, ladies? Lights?”
“Do what?”
“Well, you can’t see, obviously, but I just lifted up the bookcase.”
“So superstrength still all systems go, then? Damn.”
“…or you two can just stand around chatting while I sit here in the dark. Fan-bloody-tastic.”
“Shut up, Spike. Besides, why do you care? You’ve got brilliant night-vision.”
“Uh, no, Slayer. No I don’t.”
“Oh yeah. Well, shut up anyway.”
The lights went on, suddenly.
Xander, his hand on the switch, raised his eyebrows. “Someone want to fill me in? Or did you have a sudden urge to find out what Giles’ living room looks like in pitch blackness?”
The girls looked over and sighed, simultaneously.
* * * * *
“Hi, Xander.” Buffy crossed the room, and shut the door behind him. “We’re just having some… magic issues. And the last spell we tried doesn’t work if anything electrical is nearby, so we thought we’d better shut everything down first.”
“Not that it worked anyway,” Willow commented from the couch.
“Not my fault,” said Spike calmly.
“Magic issues?” Xander dropped his coat on the floor, and leaned against the desk. “What are we talking about here?” He frowned slightly. “And where’s Giles, anyway?”
Buffy and Willow exchanged a worried glance. “That’s… kinda the problem.”
“Well, part of it, anyway.”
“Yep. Part. Not even a big part.”
“Nope. Small, teensy part.”
“That’s just pathetic,” Spike observed, baldly. Two glares were instantly directed his way. “Well, it is. Now, if you’re both finished with the appallingly unconvincing lies, why don’t you get me something to eat?”
“I think we might be out of blood,” said Willow.
Spike just raised his eyebrows and waited.
“Oh. Right. Um… want some chocolate?” She opened her bag and pulled out a candy bar.
“Chocolate’ll be fine. Unless, of course, you want to let me out of this sodding chair, and I could go get a cheeseburger?”
“We’re not untying you,” Buffy said firmly.
“Why not?”
“Because… weirdness notwithstanding, you’re still basically evil.”
He blinked at her. “Did you just say ‘notwithstanding’?”
“Yeah, so? It’s a perfectly serviceable turn of phrase in cases of oh-crap-I’ve-got-the-vocabulary-too.” She looked horrified.
Spike smirked, and bit into his candy bar.
Xander raised his hand. “Uh, guys? Scooby member still not having a clue, right here. What’s going on?”
There was silence for a moment, and everyone seemed to be avoiding eye contact with him. Then Willow sighed resignedly, grabbed his hand, and pulled him down the passage to the bathroom. “That’s what’s going on,” she said.
There, lying unconscious on the linoleum, and wrapped in chains from head to toe, was Giles. Sort of. Except that this Giles had an extremely bumpy forehead and fangs.
* * * * *
Xander knelt down to make certain, to check that he wasn’t just imagining it. Oh, not Giles, please no…
In the doorway, Willow was still speaking. “…not sure exactly how hard I punched him, but he’ll probably be out for a while, anyway. So we thought we’d better-”
He stood up, murderous thoughts rushing to the surface. “Did Buffy dust them?”
“Who?”
“The bastards who- or was it Spike? It was Spike, wasn’t it? I knew that helpless thing was just an act. I’m going to-”
“Xander, calm down.” Willow blocked his way. “It wasn’t Spike. Well, not exactly. And anyway, you can’t stake him.”
He was still trying to get past her. “Why not?” And why was he suddenly not strong enough to push past?
“Because he’s kinda… um… human.” She was suddenly looking awkward again.
He stopped, startled. Willow blushed.
“Will?”
“Yeah?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Well, it was a spell.” She shuffled her feet. “A perfectly ordinary, completely harmless spell that I wanted to try - just for fun, and it should have been okay - and Buffy was here helping me, but then I kinda… um… sneezed-at-the-wrong-moment-and-it-all-went-kinda-screwy-and-it’s-really-not-my-fault-at-all-but-I’m-still-really-really-sorry-and-it’ll-be-okay-once-we-figure-out-how-to-reverse-it-so-it’s-really-not-that-big-a-deal.”
“Uh-huh.” Xander thought a bit more. “Right.”
“That’s all, really.”
“Sure. So, um, why is Spike human?”
“Well, that’s sort of what went wrong. It’s… complicated.”
“Uh-huh. And Giles will be okay?”
“Yeah…”
“Okay.” He relaxed. “Spell reversal’s usually pretty simple, isn’t it?”
Awkwardness again. “Well…”
“Willow?”
* * * * *
An explanation provided, they returned to the living room, where Buffy and Spike were busy going through some books.
“How about this one? It looks reasonably simple.”
He bent over the page, and raised his eyebrows. “Only if I could speak fluent Hindi. And unlike some people, I’ve never been that bored.”
“It’s actually pretty interesting.” Spike looked at her oddly, and Buffy said defensively, “And hey - I’ve never studied it either, remember? It’s not my fault I’m suddenly an expert.”
“More your fault than mine.” He turned the page. “I wasn’t even involved in the bloody spell.”
Xander sank down on the couch. “No luck?”
Buffy looked up. “Not so far. Because the spell we did doesn’t actually exist, there aren’t any standard ways of reversing it, plus the change of primary caster complicates matters, and also we have no way of knowing exactly how powerful a warlock Spike might be, or whether the power transferral was complete or only partial… and-oh-god-I’m-doing-it-again.” She put her face in her hands and groaned. “Somebody stop me.”
Willow looked slightly worried, but Xander grinned. “Hey Buff, if this turns out to be permanent, we really should get you a new name. Like… Gilesina.”
A glare. “Not funny.” But then she suddenly laughed. “What would we call the others?”
“Simple.” He pointed to each of them, including back over his shoulder for Giles. “Rupert Spikles, the Wicked Vamp of the West, and… um… Buffillow.”
More laughter.
Spike rolled his eyes, and then passed the book back over. “How about this one? Looks do-able.”
Buffy read the spell, with Willow looking over her shoulder. “Hey, you’re right! This should be easy.” She turned the page. “As long as Giles has pasta sauce and tinfoil, anyway.”
* * * * *
“…a turn unmade, a power bestowed,
a wish unthought, a change entire,
remove this most unwelcome load,
restore the form that we desire.”
There was a crash of thunder, a gust of wind, and every window in the room suddenly shattered, as the lights went out once again.
A brief pause, and then Willow’s voice broke the silence. “Wow. Do you think that worked?”
Another pause, and then:
“Um…”
“Um…”
“What…”
“Oh, bloody hell!”
She found the lightswitch, flipped it back on, and turned.
There, still tied to a chair, was Spike - who was looking much more like a vampire, and also decidedly more female than he’d been ten minutes earlier.
And the room also contained a short blond guy, a girl who looked kinda like a young Mrs Harris (in Willow’s opinion), and an older woman who was still in chains and starting to regain consciousness.
Willow looked down at herself. Well, at least she seemed to be back to normal.
Buffy sighed, ruefully. “Yeah… I think we might need to try something else…”