perpetual motion - brendon/jon, ryan/brendon
brendon/jon, ryan/brendon
pg-13, 1480 words.
complete lack of capital letters, vaguely inspired by this post at we_are_cities
title from the poem with the same name by tony hoagland
as soon as they announce brent's departure, brendon knows he wants jon to fill in permanently. he doesn't bring it up to him right away, it's entirely too soon for that - he tells him, more than once, "it's just temporary, you know, it's not like you have to stay forever," and it takes brendon a week and a half of one-sided conversations before he realizes that jon would rather stay than leave.
he brings it up to ryan first, while spencer and jon are playing frisbee in the venue parking lot - "i think jon wants to stay," he says, instead of 'i want jon to stay'.
"yeah," ryan agrees after a few seconds of silence, running his thin fingers through the fluffy wave of his air-dried hair, pre-show. "i think he does too."
they both stare at their feet.
--
it becomes an unspoken, common piece of knowledge after a few weeks; jon is staying, just not officially yet. they're in south carolina when ryan, spencer and brendon ask him, once and for all, to be the bassist for panic at the disco - of course jon accepts, pulling them all into an awkward, albeit genuine, group hug.
all the bands and dancers make a mismatched, loud-mouthed group and walk to the beach together - for everyone else, it's a fun adventure and a little relaxation, but for them it's to celebrate more than anything else. ryan spends some time sitting with amanda, talking quietly amongst the chatter - he watches brendon prance around in the sand with katie and erin, a more sultry, teasing version of their stage number, slowly stripping off clothes as they go. amanda whistles and katie blows her a kiss; ryan laughs and watches brendon give up his sexy facade when he's down to his underwear, shoving them off unceremoniously to run into the cold ocean.
spencer crawls into his bunk as soon as they arrive back on the bus - jon and brendon head to the back lounge for quick guitar hero match. "i might even let you win," brendon laughs, and just before they shut the door, ryan calls after them - "don't believe it, walker!"
he can hear them laugh and he smiles without meaning to, riding high from the show and the beach and adrenaline, filling himself with anxious courage to maybe do something he's been meaning to do for a long while. he writes in his blog, not nearly as cryptic as he should be (if you want to kiss, you should kiss), and takes his sweet time before putting his laptop away and quietly heading to the lounge.
brendon's curled around jon, head nestled into his neck like he's done to all of them countless times before. ryan's heartbeat jumps in his throat, though - he can see the bumps of jon's knuckles under brendon's thin t-shirt at the small of his back, how he tilts his head, eyes closed, to let brendon's swollen bottom lip brush over his pulse at the base of his throat.
ryan shuts the door as softly as he can and crawls into his bunk, curling up on his side to ease the vicious twisting in his stomach.
--
things only change because jon's waiting to see if they will. it's all subtle - brendon's laugh softens around him, strangely shy and sweet, and jon feels sickeningly guilty. he should've stopped brendon the first time, or the second, but he didn't; the worst part is that he knows he probably won't stop him the third or the fourth, either.
he walks in on brendon perched on the very edge of the dressing room counter, ryan standing between his spread legs. their lower bodies are overlapping, hips pressed together, and brendon's looking up at the ceiling, letting ryan smudge the eyeliner under his lashes, lightly running his thumb over the thin skin there. jon still feels like he's intruding on them sometimes, when they're this close and quiet with each other, but it doesn't last for long - brendon spots him and smiles, and ryan moves away from him without looking at jon.
"you should let me put eyeliner on you," brendon says playfully, taking jon's cheeks in his hands. jon laughs and shakes his head.
"you can't even do it yourself," ryan mumbles, rearranging his make-up on the dresser. brendon sighs and scratches his chin before folding his arms over his chest, and jon decides to interject before silence sets in.
"zack and spencer found the press room or whatever," he says, "with the food for us. they sent me to get you guys."
"definitely," brendon says, at the same time ryan murmurs, "not hungry."
"it's five rooms down, on the left," jon tells brendon. "you sure you don't wanna come, ry? they got you poptarts."
ryan laughs softly but doesn't look back at him, picking up the black, liquid eyeliner even though his makeup for the night is complete already - several large, identical birds cascading down the dark red mask around his eyes and the pale skin of his bare cheek. he slowly layers more liquid onto the perfect birds, "i should probably get ready."
"okay," jon says slowly, resists the urge to ask what's wrong. brendon heads out the door, and ryan keeps his eyes on himself in the mirror.
"you should go with him," he says. jon watches him retrace every bird, careful and precise. he doesn't say anything else.
when jon walks out of the dressing room, brendon's waiting outside the door for him.
--
on the 3rd of july, jon is officially recognized and welcomed as panic's permanent bassist, and cassie visits them on tour. it's a hotel night, and brendon was originally discouraged - finally a chance to room together, alone, and jon's girlfriend came along. it makes brendon feel sick and dirty, but he slips jon a key to his room anyway.
haley comes out to visit with spencer as well, and all six of them head to ryan and spencer's room first, just for some quality celebration time on solid ground, not a moving bus. they all share a joint, not enough to get anyone high but enough to make them laugh louder, and ryan presses himself firmly against brendon's side and gets a smile in return.
it almost feels like they're three couples when they're together, not just two and a few extra wheels - brendon lets himself get a little closer with ryan than he usually does, brushing his fingers over the lines in ryan's palm to distract himself when jon never looks back. jon kisses cassie's hair just like he did to brendon the night before, and brendon doesn't know whether to feel jealous or sad or empty or impatient. he waits until half-past two in the morning before he slides out from under ryan's arm and stretches, announcing he's going to bed. ryan bites his lip and wonders if that's a hint - from the way jon watches brendon as he leaves, ryan figures it is, just not one meant for him.
brendon waits in his room, and it takes at least an hour before he hears the electric click of the hotel lock. he stands up when jon comes in, ready to curl a hand around his neck and kiss him like he's wanted to do all night, but jon looks at brendon's bare toes instead of his eyes.
"i can't do this," he says, and brendon's face falls. "i'm in love with her and this band is really important, and this is just," jon stops short and sighs, feeling over his face, "this was a stupid idea."
brendon stays quiet.
"it was different when she was gone," jon tries to explain, "and i'm a shitty person but i can't just be with her and come down to be with you, it's not fair to anybody, fuck. you get that, right? we haven't been...it hasn't been too long, i didn't want this to--"
"i get it, jon," brendon says, turning away to climb back into his bed, under the covers with all his clothes on. "i'm going to sleep."
"brendon," jon sighs. "don't be mad, shit. i'm so sorry."
"m'not mad," brendon mutters, curling into himself under the heavy hotel bedding. jon comes over and turns off the bedside lamp for him, leaning down to kiss his forehead - brendon closes his eyes. he hears jon drop the plastic key card to his room on the table, and brendon considers that the end of something that never even started.
--
in august, they play reading and leeds, and brendon gets hit by a bottle. he swears to everyone over and over again that he's fine, seriously, but that night in their cramped european bus, he kisses ryan on the mouth.
--
one week later, they play the mtv video music awards.
ryan meets a girl.
pg-13, 1480 words.
complete lack of capital letters, vaguely inspired by this post at we_are_cities
title from the poem with the same name by tony hoagland
as soon as they announce brent's departure, brendon knows he wants jon to fill in permanently. he doesn't bring it up to him right away, it's entirely too soon for that - he tells him, more than once, "it's just temporary, you know, it's not like you have to stay forever," and it takes brendon a week and a half of one-sided conversations before he realizes that jon would rather stay than leave.
he brings it up to ryan first, while spencer and jon are playing frisbee in the venue parking lot - "i think jon wants to stay," he says, instead of 'i want jon to stay'.
"yeah," ryan agrees after a few seconds of silence, running his thin fingers through the fluffy wave of his air-dried hair, pre-show. "i think he does too."
they both stare at their feet.
--
it becomes an unspoken, common piece of knowledge after a few weeks; jon is staying, just not officially yet. they're in south carolina when ryan, spencer and brendon ask him, once and for all, to be the bassist for panic at the disco - of course jon accepts, pulling them all into an awkward, albeit genuine, group hug.
all the bands and dancers make a mismatched, loud-mouthed group and walk to the beach together - for everyone else, it's a fun adventure and a little relaxation, but for them it's to celebrate more than anything else. ryan spends some time sitting with amanda, talking quietly amongst the chatter - he watches brendon prance around in the sand with katie and erin, a more sultry, teasing version of their stage number, slowly stripping off clothes as they go. amanda whistles and katie blows her a kiss; ryan laughs and watches brendon give up his sexy facade when he's down to his underwear, shoving them off unceremoniously to run into the cold ocean.
spencer crawls into his bunk as soon as they arrive back on the bus - jon and brendon head to the back lounge for quick guitar hero match. "i might even let you win," brendon laughs, and just before they shut the door, ryan calls after them - "don't believe it, walker!"
he can hear them laugh and he smiles without meaning to, riding high from the show and the beach and adrenaline, filling himself with anxious courage to maybe do something he's been meaning to do for a long while. he writes in his blog, not nearly as cryptic as he should be (if you want to kiss, you should kiss), and takes his sweet time before putting his laptop away and quietly heading to the lounge.
brendon's curled around jon, head nestled into his neck like he's done to all of them countless times before. ryan's heartbeat jumps in his throat, though - he can see the bumps of jon's knuckles under brendon's thin t-shirt at the small of his back, how he tilts his head, eyes closed, to let brendon's swollen bottom lip brush over his pulse at the base of his throat.
ryan shuts the door as softly as he can and crawls into his bunk, curling up on his side to ease the vicious twisting in his stomach.
--
things only change because jon's waiting to see if they will. it's all subtle - brendon's laugh softens around him, strangely shy and sweet, and jon feels sickeningly guilty. he should've stopped brendon the first time, or the second, but he didn't; the worst part is that he knows he probably won't stop him the third or the fourth, either.
he walks in on brendon perched on the very edge of the dressing room counter, ryan standing between his spread legs. their lower bodies are overlapping, hips pressed together, and brendon's looking up at the ceiling, letting ryan smudge the eyeliner under his lashes, lightly running his thumb over the thin skin there. jon still feels like he's intruding on them sometimes, when they're this close and quiet with each other, but it doesn't last for long - brendon spots him and smiles, and ryan moves away from him without looking at jon.
"you should let me put eyeliner on you," brendon says playfully, taking jon's cheeks in his hands. jon laughs and shakes his head.
"you can't even do it yourself," ryan mumbles, rearranging his make-up on the dresser. brendon sighs and scratches his chin before folding his arms over his chest, and jon decides to interject before silence sets in.
"zack and spencer found the press room or whatever," he says, "with the food for us. they sent me to get you guys."
"definitely," brendon says, at the same time ryan murmurs, "not hungry."
"it's five rooms down, on the left," jon tells brendon. "you sure you don't wanna come, ry? they got you poptarts."
ryan laughs softly but doesn't look back at him, picking up the black, liquid eyeliner even though his makeup for the night is complete already - several large, identical birds cascading down the dark red mask around his eyes and the pale skin of his bare cheek. he slowly layers more liquid onto the perfect birds, "i should probably get ready."
"okay," jon says slowly, resists the urge to ask what's wrong. brendon heads out the door, and ryan keeps his eyes on himself in the mirror.
"you should go with him," he says. jon watches him retrace every bird, careful and precise. he doesn't say anything else.
when jon walks out of the dressing room, brendon's waiting outside the door for him.
--
on the 3rd of july, jon is officially recognized and welcomed as panic's permanent bassist, and cassie visits them on tour. it's a hotel night, and brendon was originally discouraged - finally a chance to room together, alone, and jon's girlfriend came along. it makes brendon feel sick and dirty, but he slips jon a key to his room anyway.
haley comes out to visit with spencer as well, and all six of them head to ryan and spencer's room first, just for some quality celebration time on solid ground, not a moving bus. they all share a joint, not enough to get anyone high but enough to make them laugh louder, and ryan presses himself firmly against brendon's side and gets a smile in return.
it almost feels like they're three couples when they're together, not just two and a few extra wheels - brendon lets himself get a little closer with ryan than he usually does, brushing his fingers over the lines in ryan's palm to distract himself when jon never looks back. jon kisses cassie's hair just like he did to brendon the night before, and brendon doesn't know whether to feel jealous or sad or empty or impatient. he waits until half-past two in the morning before he slides out from under ryan's arm and stretches, announcing he's going to bed. ryan bites his lip and wonders if that's a hint - from the way jon watches brendon as he leaves, ryan figures it is, just not one meant for him.
brendon waits in his room, and it takes at least an hour before he hears the electric click of the hotel lock. he stands up when jon comes in, ready to curl a hand around his neck and kiss him like he's wanted to do all night, but jon looks at brendon's bare toes instead of his eyes.
"i can't do this," he says, and brendon's face falls. "i'm in love with her and this band is really important, and this is just," jon stops short and sighs, feeling over his face, "this was a stupid idea."
brendon stays quiet.
"it was different when she was gone," jon tries to explain, "and i'm a shitty person but i can't just be with her and come down to be with you, it's not fair to anybody, fuck. you get that, right? we haven't been...it hasn't been too long, i didn't want this to--"
"i get it, jon," brendon says, turning away to climb back into his bed, under the covers with all his clothes on. "i'm going to sleep."
"brendon," jon sighs. "don't be mad, shit. i'm so sorry."
"m'not mad," brendon mutters, curling into himself under the heavy hotel bedding. jon comes over and turns off the bedside lamp for him, leaning down to kiss his forehead - brendon closes his eyes. he hears jon drop the plastic key card to his room on the table, and brendon considers that the end of something that never even started.
--
in august, they play reading and leeds, and brendon gets hit by a bottle. he swears to everyone over and over again that he's fine, seriously, but that night in their cramped european bus, he kisses ryan on the mouth.
--
one week later, they play the mtv video music awards.
ryan meets a girl.