Rose (PG-13)
Title: Rose
Author: Dee Laundry
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Words: 683
Summary: At T-minus six weeks, discussion of what is and is not perversion, plus baby names.
Notes: Sequel to Apple, in the My Fathers' Son 'verse. Takes place today (well, technically yesterday) but no spoilers past early Season Three. bringthehappy made me think of writing this. Dialogue-only. Unbetaed due to impatience; concrit welcome.
Jesus, Wilson. If any mall-related activities are necessary over the next six weeks, you're doing them on your own.
What are you talking about?
You're making me nauseated and everyone else nervous with the way you keep making goo-goo eyes at all the little kids here in the food court. Not to mention that I don't have the cash to bail you out when you get arrested on suspicion of kiddy-diddling.
First of all, you know perfectly well where the emergency bail-money fund is located, and second, and most importantly, that is utterly and completely disgusting. Pedophilia is traumatic and not to be joked about, and oh God, pedophiles. I hadn't even thought about pedophiles.
Um, that's good, right?
Great. Just great. Now on top of college tuition and BPA and childhood obesity and bullying and autism and SIDS, I'm going to worry about the baby being snatched by some crazed child-molester.
Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the kid knows.
Oh, that's very comforting. Thank you. Now I get to worry about who at the hospital is a pervert.
Nicholson.
She's a drag king, not a pedophile.
Still perverted.
Oh, please. Like you weren't drooling profusely when she did the Johnny Cash lip-synch at the holiday party.
I'm not complaining about her being a pervert. Why are you worried about autism?
What?
In the litany of worrywart's warted worries, you listed autism. Why?
Advanced paternal age has been shown to be a factor in likelihood of autism.
Larry King advanced paternal age. Hugh Hefner advanced paternal age.
According to the studies, anything after the age of forty --
Genetic predisposition is a much more contributive factor, and despite the wool you pulled over Cuddy's eyes a few years back, we both know I don't have autism. Can't think of anyone in my family who has the constellation of behaviors. Assholishness, on the other hand... you might want to start worrying about that.
Acting like a jerk is a lifestyle choice for you, not a congenital disorder.
It is a congenial disorder, though.
Along with paronomania.
What?
'Paronomasia' is the use of puns and wordplay; so paronomania would be --
Pathological excitement about wordplay. You know that you're as bad as I am, right?
The baby's doomed.
Probably, but not because of that. Why haven't you picked a name yet?
It's a big decision, permanent. It'll affect his whole life. It has to be perfect.
Permanent, uh huh. Except that it can be changed formally by legal decree at any time you want, and informally will probably be mutilated by nickname at least a dozen times before he reaches the age of eighteen, at which time he'll probably re-name himself Adolf Charles Manson Gacy Dahmer just to piss you off.
'Charles.' That's another name to scratch off the list.
You've got six weeks until he's born, maybe less, and your mother wants to engrave that whoziwhatsit with a name. So pick something and be done with it.
Well, maybe I would've found the right name by now if you'd given me some suggestions.
I gave you suggestions.
I am not naming my son Rod, Dick, Willie, Peter, Randy, Roger, or Woody.
Woodrow is a presidential name.
Woodrow Wilson, yeah, got it. No.
Pudd'n'head?
No, and not Mookie, either. Something simple but upbeat. Positive. Confident. Classic.
Woodrow.
No.
Grover.
The purple muppet?
The president. Cleveland. Only US president to serve non-consecutive terms.
No. Simple. Normal.
Boring.
Classic.
Sticking to the presidential theme, if you want confident, simple, and boring, there's always Kennedy.
Kennedy's a girl's name.
Not 'Kennedy.' Jack.
Jack. Hm.
A smiling all-American charmer with blowdried hair who boinked Marilyn Monroe behind his wife's back.
And accomplished great things while being in near-constant pain. Yeah, I think that might work.
He had a funny accent, too.
Too bad neither of us have an accent.
I can do a British one.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
I've heard it; it's terrible.
Can you spare a ha-penny, Guvner?
That's it. Let's go home.
Best idea you've had all day... Dad.
Soon, House. Soon.
Author: Dee Laundry
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Words: 683
Summary: At T-minus six weeks, discussion of what is and is not perversion, plus baby names.
Notes: Sequel to Apple, in the My Fathers' Son 'verse. Takes place today (well, technically yesterday) but no spoilers past early Season Three. bringthehappy made me think of writing this. Dialogue-only. Unbetaed due to impatience; concrit welcome.
Jesus, Wilson. If any mall-related activities are necessary over the next six weeks, you're doing them on your own.
What are you talking about?
You're making me nauseated and everyone else nervous with the way you keep making goo-goo eyes at all the little kids here in the food court. Not to mention that I don't have the cash to bail you out when you get arrested on suspicion of kiddy-diddling.
First of all, you know perfectly well where the emergency bail-money fund is located, and second, and most importantly, that is utterly and completely disgusting. Pedophilia is traumatic and not to be joked about, and oh God, pedophiles. I hadn't even thought about pedophiles.
Um, that's good, right?
Great. Just great. Now on top of college tuition and BPA and childhood obesity and bullying and autism and SIDS, I'm going to worry about the baby being snatched by some crazed child-molester.
Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the kid knows.
Oh, that's very comforting. Thank you. Now I get to worry about who at the hospital is a pervert.
Nicholson.
She's a drag king, not a pedophile.
Still perverted.
Oh, please. Like you weren't drooling profusely when she did the Johnny Cash lip-synch at the holiday party.
I'm not complaining about her being a pervert. Why are you worried about autism?
What?
In the litany of worrywart's warted worries, you listed autism. Why?
Advanced paternal age has been shown to be a factor in likelihood of autism.
Larry King advanced paternal age. Hugh Hefner advanced paternal age.
According to the studies, anything after the age of forty --
Genetic predisposition is a much more contributive factor, and despite the wool you pulled over Cuddy's eyes a few years back, we both know I don't have autism. Can't think of anyone in my family who has the constellation of behaviors. Assholishness, on the other hand... you might want to start worrying about that.
Acting like a jerk is a lifestyle choice for you, not a congenital disorder.
It is a congenial disorder, though.
Along with paronomania.
What?
'Paronomasia' is the use of puns and wordplay; so paronomania would be --
Pathological excitement about wordplay. You know that you're as bad as I am, right?
The baby's doomed.
Probably, but not because of that. Why haven't you picked a name yet?
It's a big decision, permanent. It'll affect his whole life. It has to be perfect.
Permanent, uh huh. Except that it can be changed formally by legal decree at any time you want, and informally will probably be mutilated by nickname at least a dozen times before he reaches the age of eighteen, at which time he'll probably re-name himself Adolf Charles Manson Gacy Dahmer just to piss you off.
'Charles.' That's another name to scratch off the list.
You've got six weeks until he's born, maybe less, and your mother wants to engrave that whoziwhatsit with a name. So pick something and be done with it.
Well, maybe I would've found the right name by now if you'd given me some suggestions.
I gave you suggestions.
I am not naming my son Rod, Dick, Willie, Peter, Randy, Roger, or Woody.
Woodrow is a presidential name.
Woodrow Wilson, yeah, got it. No.
Pudd'n'head?
No, and not Mookie, either. Something simple but upbeat. Positive. Confident. Classic.
Woodrow.
No.
Grover.
The purple muppet?
The president. Cleveland. Only US president to serve non-consecutive terms.
No. Simple. Normal.
Boring.
Classic.
Sticking to the presidential theme, if you want confident, simple, and boring, there's always Kennedy.
Kennedy's a girl's name.
Not 'Kennedy.' Jack.
Jack. Hm.
A smiling all-American charmer with blowdried hair who boinked Marilyn Monroe behind his wife's back.
And accomplished great things while being in near-constant pain. Yeah, I think that might work.
He had a funny accent, too.
Too bad neither of us have an accent.
I can do a British one.
No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
I've heard it; it's terrible.
Can you spare a ha-penny, Guvner?
That's it. Let's go home.
Best idea you've had all day... Dad.
Soon, House. Soon.