MST: Clueless!Chase and His Mystery Lover
I'm hesitant to post this after the brilliance that was (1) the Heart Family Musical Extravaganza; and (2) PPTH Crew Goes Camping, but here goes nothing:
This clueless!Chase fic’s not all that bad, although it dissolves into schmoopiness at the end. Chase’s wet bum and other select text was cut for length (sorry). Note: MST is set between “Cane & Able” and “Informed Consent,” and has a startling (for me) lack of slash.
House is in his office, re-writing Cameron’s MySpace page, when Chase walks in.
Chase: You paged me?
House: Bad!fic alert. You’re the star this time, so you get the pleasure of reading it with me.
Chase: Where’s Wilson?
House: How should I know? We’re not joined at the hip.
Chase: *murmuring* Not the body part you’re rumored to be joined at.
House: I heard that. You know, if I wanted to sleep with a guy, it’d be a real man, not a pretend woman.
Chase: That’s rather harsh.
House: He’s been a manipulative bitch lately.
Chase: Lately?
"Hello, Dr. Chase," a nurse greeted the blonde as he hurried passed the counter.
Chase: Here’s a fun fact: “Blonde” spelled with an E at the end is defined as a woman or girl having fair hair.
House: I don’t see the problem.
He didn't even take the time to politely respond to her greeting. So far he'd been having the worst morning ever and he was afraid it might bleed into the day if he stopped to be nice and let it catch up with him.
Chase: Yeah, that’s me. I snub people to improve how my day’s going to go.
House: It works pretty well for me.
He'd awoke this moring to a cold bed, the spot next to him totally empty save a pillow that still held the faintest imprint from the head that had occupied it during the night. Chase's hand flitted over to the right side of the bed and he noticed the emptiness, startling him to lifting his head off his own pillow.
Chase: Unannounced tense change and misspelling of “morning,” but otherwise not too bad.
House: You’re apparently even getting some action. Good on ya, mate!
Chase: *eyeroll*
A month ago, the empty side of the bed wouldn't have bothered him, but he found out just then that he'd changed and waking up alone made him feel particularly vulnerable.
House: Oh no, Chasey feels vulnerable, waking up all by his lonesome. Girl.
Chase: *pouts*
He pushed himself up from the bed, shivering as the blankets fell and his naked body was exposed to the cool air. He trudged to the shower and turned it on, jumping with a startled yelp when drops of freezing rain pelted him.
House: Moron. Get the water temperature right, and then get in the shower.
He lifted the bottle of shampoo and squeezed into his palm. Nothing came out, no soap in a dollop.
House: What the hell is “soap in a dollop”? Is that like “shrimp on the barbie”?
Chase: I never say “shrimp on the barbie.” Is everything you know about Australia from the movie Crocodile Dundee?
House: Of course not. I’m also a fan of Crocodile Hunter, Neighbours, and Kylie Minogue. And Outback restaurants, of course.
Wet and frustrated from not being able to wash his hair, Chase got out of the shower and dressed himself.
House: Who else was going to dress you? Jeeves?
Jeeves: You called for me, sir? Good heavens, you are in need of a shave.
House: I’m fine, Jeeves. Go bug Wooster. Or is that “bugger” Wooster? I get those two confused.
Jeeves: Most amusing, sir. Lovely foreshadowing. Good day to you and your lady.
Chase: Hey!
He reached for the yellow tie that he felt went well with his purple and blue striped shirt,
Chase: Oh, c’mon. I mis-match my work clothes due to inattention, not an innate lack of taste. I’m actually quite fashionable in my social wear.
House: You keep telling yourself that, slick.
but when he got it tied around his neck he saw that there were little bite marks at the bottom. The tie was ruined and so he threw it in the garbage, deciding he would have to go to work without a tie that day.
Chase: *sarcastically* The whole day’s ruined now! Sob, sob!
House: Munching on your own tie? You really do have an oral fixation, don’t you?
It had been his turn to go grocery shopping last weekend and he'd forgotten when the latest patient at the hospital had taken a turn for the worse. He sighed, knowing he'd have to forego breakfast that morning.
Chase: Because, duh, duh, I can’t possibly think of anywhere I could get some breakfast. I’ve never heard of McDonald’s or the cafeteria at the hospital.
House: *laughing* Fic!you has no coping skills at all. Has to have everything spoon-fed to him. Hmm, not too far off from real!you at work.
Chase: *muttering, not daring to say it too loud* Shut up.
His stomache was empty and his heart was heavy. He was tempted to just climb back into bed and start again tomorrow. But as he glanced back toward the bedroom, he knew he wouldn't be able to lie down in that bed without the other person who was supposed to be there.
House: *Laughing louder* You can’t even go to sleep by yourself!
Chase: Hey, why don’t we go do something else? Lumbar puncture? Needle through eyeball? Break a girl’s fingers? Nice and painful, just like you like…
House: Torturing you is so much more fun.
With a great and defeated sigh, he grabbed his keys from their usual spot on the counter and headed out the door. He slid the key into the ignition and turned... but no sound accompanied it.
"Nononono... c'mon." He muttered, following that up with a "Bloody hell!"
Car troubles on their own were bad enough, but combined with everything that had been going wrong plus the strange fragile feeling he felt was almost enough to make him cry.
House: *as Chase* Boo hoo, boo hoo. Just call me Cameron.
Chase: Even Cameron doesn’t cry that easily. Fic!me sucks.
Instead, he took a big breath and let it out slowly. He checked his watch and then exited the vehicle with a loud slam of the door. If he ran, he could make it to the bus stop in time for the next bus.
Chase: I don’t know where to buy breakfast, but I have the bus schedule memorized. *sighs*
House: Maybe Bus Stop Guy’s your lover.
Chase: Who?
He raced for the blue sign at the corner of the block. He made it just barely and then realized that he didn't have exact change.
"Please, can I just once pay with a twenty dollar bill. It's all I have," he pleaded.
"Sorry, bud. Don't got any change to give back." The driver shrugged.
"I... I don't need change. I just need to get to work. Keep the money." Chase signed.
House: You signed? Hey, you’re deaf now!
Chase: *muttering* Would give me a nice break from you.
House: OK, we’re going to skip the part in this fic where you get hit on by a lecherous old man on the bus.
Chase: That’s…uncharacteristically nice of you.
House: Don't get used to it.
"Bugger off... just bugger off." He muttered, pushing through a small crowd and passing by the elevators to race up the stairs.
House: Ha! I did foreshadow. That Jeeves sure is perceptive.
Soon, as he raced through the halls again, he could see his destination. Goal in sight, he was encouraged and he ignored any other greetings from everyone until he slid into the glass-walled office.
Chase: What the hell? Why am I running like a scared rabbit?
House: Don’t you mean womb -
Chase: Finish that word and I’m sticking a didgeridoo up your arse.
"Hello."
Chase looked up, tense muscles relaxing at the welcome voice.
"House." The name was a breathy sigh on Chase's lips.
House: Does it occur to you that if my voice is welcome to you, that you may have made some deeper errors?
Chase: Quit quoting yourself. It’s just creepy.
The older man limped toward the young blonde, concern flashing briefly in his blue eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing... just... strange morning." Chase sighed. House nodded, not completely believing.
House: Not completely believing that I would in any way, shape, or form give a damn.
Chase: *reads ahead, gags a little* You’ll be even less believing in a second.
"Cuddy made me come in early... I figured you could use the extra sleep today." House said, explaining the reason behind the cold and empty side of the bed.
Chase: *shudders, moves chair away from House*
House: Yeah, like Cuddy’s ever been able to get me in early. Except Blouse Optional Day. Little House was even an early riser for that one.
Chase: *moves chair farther away*
"I noticed last week that the shampoo was getting low, so I bought your favorite kind on my way in." He went back to his desk and pulled a bottle from his bag, tossing it to a surprised Chase.
House & Chase: Ha ha ha!
Chase: *scoffs* Yeah, like you’d drive all the way into New York just to go by Frederic Fekkai and get me the Apple Cider Clarifying Shampoo. I suppose you’d pick up the Glossing Sheer Shine Mist for me too while you were there. Ha!
House: You know that makes you sound like not just any girl, but a high-maintenance bitch on wheels?
Chase: *flipping hair around* Jealous much?
House: Shut up.
"I... thanks."
"Um... Steve McQueen got into your tie collection last time he was let out to play. I stole a tie from Wilson for you."
Chase laughed softly at House's grin, catching a silk tie that was tossed at him.
Chase: You noticed the bite marks, but put the tie back in the closet? You’re even more slovenly than I took you for.
"Also I noticed that your car window was open, so I left the keys to my car... I took the bike. I assume from the way your coat is pulled down over your ass, that you didn't notice the little note next to the key hook." House tilted his head, trying to see around Chase at his backside.
House: I do like looking at your ass, so finally something in character for me. *grins*
Chase: *eyes House warily, moves chair even farther away*
"What's that?" Chase pointed to a large white bag on the floor.
"We have no food at home. I bought breakfast for us to eat together. They didn't have your favorite doughnut... so I bought one of every kind they had." House grinned and held the bag open for Chase to peer into. He was overcome with a warmth that he'd never felt before. This showing of love and affection through baked goods hit Chase hard in the chest and he gave into it, pulling the older man into a tight embrace and claiming his mouth with a desperate kiss.
House: Ha! Giving it up for doughnuts! You are so frigging cheap and easy!
Chase: *pouting* Fic!me is cheap and easy. *thinking* And fic!you is thoughtful and sweet… Noticing all the little things… Romantic gestures… Ha! You’re the girl!!
House: I - shut up.
He faintly heard the bag of doughnuts hit the ground as House brought his arms up around Chase to join in.
Chase: Row, row, row your boat
House: Row, row, row your boat
Chase: *simultaneously* Gently down the stream…
They parted with panting breaths.
House: OK, hold on. Don’t push on this contraction, Chase. Just breathe through it.
Chase: *holding abdomen* Hah. Hah. Hah.
"You're welcome. I'll make sure to go to the bakery more often." House smiled quickly and then ran his thumb across Chase's bottom lip. "So what's really wrong?"
"I woke up alone. This morning sucked... but the day's getting better."
The End
House: Yeah, whatever. That was boring.
Chase: You’re just sore because it wasn’t House/Wilson slash.
House: Why would that make me sore?
Chase: Because it’s been obvious since Brain Tapeworm Patient that you’re in love with Wilson.
House: I’m not in love with Wilson!
Wilson: *entering* Well, that’s good. Might make it awkward when we watch lesbian porn together.
House: Get out. I’m pissed at you for trying to trick me.
Wilson: Obviously. But until you talk Chase or Foreman into buying your porn for you, you need me…
House: *interested* What’s that in your hand? Is that…
Wilson: Lesbian Licks 7. Came in a day early. I’ve got the PPTH movie theater booked for the next two hours.
House: Cuddy’s gonna know -
Wilson: It’s under Cameron’s name.
House: You’re forgiven for everything. See ya, Chase.
Chase: Since you two aren’t in love or having sex or anything, can I watch too?
House & Wilson: No!
This clueless!Chase fic’s not all that bad, although it dissolves into schmoopiness at the end. Chase’s wet bum and other select text was cut for length (sorry). Note: MST is set between “Cane & Able” and “Informed Consent,” and has a startling (for me) lack of slash.
House is in his office, re-writing Cameron’s MySpace page, when Chase walks in.
Chase: You paged me?
House: Bad!fic alert. You’re the star this time, so you get the pleasure of reading it with me.
Chase: Where’s Wilson?
House: How should I know? We’re not joined at the hip.
Chase: *murmuring* Not the body part you’re rumored to be joined at.
House: I heard that. You know, if I wanted to sleep with a guy, it’d be a real man, not a pretend woman.
Chase: That’s rather harsh.
House: He’s been a manipulative bitch lately.
Chase: Lately?
"Hello, Dr. Chase," a nurse greeted the blonde as he hurried passed the counter.
Chase: Here’s a fun fact: “Blonde” spelled with an E at the end is defined as a woman or girl having fair hair.
House: I don’t see the problem.
He didn't even take the time to politely respond to her greeting. So far he'd been having the worst morning ever and he was afraid it might bleed into the day if he stopped to be nice and let it catch up with him.
Chase: Yeah, that’s me. I snub people to improve how my day’s going to go.
House: It works pretty well for me.
He'd awoke this moring to a cold bed, the spot next to him totally empty save a pillow that still held the faintest imprint from the head that had occupied it during the night. Chase's hand flitted over to the right side of the bed and he noticed the emptiness, startling him to lifting his head off his own pillow.
Chase: Unannounced tense change and misspelling of “morning,” but otherwise not too bad.
House: You’re apparently even getting some action. Good on ya, mate!
Chase: *eyeroll*
A month ago, the empty side of the bed wouldn't have bothered him, but he found out just then that he'd changed and waking up alone made him feel particularly vulnerable.
House: Oh no, Chasey feels vulnerable, waking up all by his lonesome. Girl.
Chase: *pouts*
He pushed himself up from the bed, shivering as the blankets fell and his naked body was exposed to the cool air. He trudged to the shower and turned it on, jumping with a startled yelp when drops of freezing rain pelted him.
House: Moron. Get the water temperature right, and then get in the shower.
He lifted the bottle of shampoo and squeezed into his palm. Nothing came out, no soap in a dollop.
House: What the hell is “soap in a dollop”? Is that like “shrimp on the barbie”?
Chase: I never say “shrimp on the barbie.” Is everything you know about Australia from the movie Crocodile Dundee?
House: Of course not. I’m also a fan of Crocodile Hunter, Neighbours, and Kylie Minogue. And Outback restaurants, of course.
Wet and frustrated from not being able to wash his hair, Chase got out of the shower and dressed himself.
House: Who else was going to dress you? Jeeves?
Jeeves: You called for me, sir? Good heavens, you are in need of a shave.
House: I’m fine, Jeeves. Go bug Wooster. Or is that “bugger” Wooster? I get those two confused.
Jeeves: Most amusing, sir. Lovely foreshadowing. Good day to you and your lady.
Chase: Hey!
He reached for the yellow tie that he felt went well with his purple and blue striped shirt,
Chase: Oh, c’mon. I mis-match my work clothes due to inattention, not an innate lack of taste. I’m actually quite fashionable in my social wear.
House: You keep telling yourself that, slick.
but when he got it tied around his neck he saw that there were little bite marks at the bottom. The tie was ruined and so he threw it in the garbage, deciding he would have to go to work without a tie that day.
Chase: *sarcastically* The whole day’s ruined now! Sob, sob!
House: Munching on your own tie? You really do have an oral fixation, don’t you?
It had been his turn to go grocery shopping last weekend and he'd forgotten when the latest patient at the hospital had taken a turn for the worse. He sighed, knowing he'd have to forego breakfast that morning.
Chase: Because, duh, duh, I can’t possibly think of anywhere I could get some breakfast. I’ve never heard of McDonald’s or the cafeteria at the hospital.
House: *laughing* Fic!you has no coping skills at all. Has to have everything spoon-fed to him. Hmm, not too far off from real!you at work.
Chase: *muttering, not daring to say it too loud* Shut up.
His stomache was empty and his heart was heavy. He was tempted to just climb back into bed and start again tomorrow. But as he glanced back toward the bedroom, he knew he wouldn't be able to lie down in that bed without the other person who was supposed to be there.
House: *Laughing louder* You can’t even go to sleep by yourself!
Chase: Hey, why don’t we go do something else? Lumbar puncture? Needle through eyeball? Break a girl’s fingers? Nice and painful, just like you like…
House: Torturing you is so much more fun.
With a great and defeated sigh, he grabbed his keys from their usual spot on the counter and headed out the door. He slid the key into the ignition and turned... but no sound accompanied it.
"Nononono... c'mon." He muttered, following that up with a "Bloody hell!"
Car troubles on their own were bad enough, but combined with everything that had been going wrong plus the strange fragile feeling he felt was almost enough to make him cry.
House: *as Chase* Boo hoo, boo hoo. Just call me Cameron.
Chase: Even Cameron doesn’t cry that easily. Fic!me sucks.
Instead, he took a big breath and let it out slowly. He checked his watch and then exited the vehicle with a loud slam of the door. If he ran, he could make it to the bus stop in time for the next bus.
Chase: I don’t know where to buy breakfast, but I have the bus schedule memorized. *sighs*
House: Maybe Bus Stop Guy’s your lover.
Chase: Who?
He raced for the blue sign at the corner of the block. He made it just barely and then realized that he didn't have exact change.
"Please, can I just once pay with a twenty dollar bill. It's all I have," he pleaded.
"Sorry, bud. Don't got any change to give back." The driver shrugged.
"I... I don't need change. I just need to get to work. Keep the money." Chase signed.
House: You signed? Hey, you’re deaf now!
Chase: *muttering* Would give me a nice break from you.
House: OK, we’re going to skip the part in this fic where you get hit on by a lecherous old man on the bus.
Chase: That’s…uncharacteristically nice of you.
House: Don't get used to it.
"Bugger off... just bugger off." He muttered, pushing through a small crowd and passing by the elevators to race up the stairs.
House: Ha! I did foreshadow. That Jeeves sure is perceptive.
Soon, as he raced through the halls again, he could see his destination. Goal in sight, he was encouraged and he ignored any other greetings from everyone until he slid into the glass-walled office.
Chase: What the hell? Why am I running like a scared rabbit?
House: Don’t you mean womb -
Chase: Finish that word and I’m sticking a didgeridoo up your arse.
"Hello."
Chase looked up, tense muscles relaxing at the welcome voice.
"House." The name was a breathy sigh on Chase's lips.
House: Does it occur to you that if my voice is welcome to you, that you may have made some deeper errors?
Chase: Quit quoting yourself. It’s just creepy.
The older man limped toward the young blonde, concern flashing briefly in his blue eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing... just... strange morning." Chase sighed. House nodded, not completely believing.
House: Not completely believing that I would in any way, shape, or form give a damn.
Chase: *reads ahead, gags a little* You’ll be even less believing in a second.
"Cuddy made me come in early... I figured you could use the extra sleep today." House said, explaining the reason behind the cold and empty side of the bed.
Chase: *shudders, moves chair away from House*
House: Yeah, like Cuddy’s ever been able to get me in early. Except Blouse Optional Day. Little House was even an early riser for that one.
Chase: *moves chair farther away*
"I noticed last week that the shampoo was getting low, so I bought your favorite kind on my way in." He went back to his desk and pulled a bottle from his bag, tossing it to a surprised Chase.
House & Chase: Ha ha ha!
Chase: *scoffs* Yeah, like you’d drive all the way into New York just to go by Frederic Fekkai and get me the Apple Cider Clarifying Shampoo. I suppose you’d pick up the Glossing Sheer Shine Mist for me too while you were there. Ha!
House: You know that makes you sound like not just any girl, but a high-maintenance bitch on wheels?
Chase: *flipping hair around* Jealous much?
House: Shut up.
"I... thanks."
"Um... Steve McQueen got into your tie collection last time he was let out to play. I stole a tie from Wilson for you."
Chase laughed softly at House's grin, catching a silk tie that was tossed at him.
Chase: You noticed the bite marks, but put the tie back in the closet? You’re even more slovenly than I took you for.
"Also I noticed that your car window was open, so I left the keys to my car... I took the bike. I assume from the way your coat is pulled down over your ass, that you didn't notice the little note next to the key hook." House tilted his head, trying to see around Chase at his backside.
House: I do like looking at your ass, so finally something in character for me. *grins*
Chase: *eyes House warily, moves chair even farther away*
"What's that?" Chase pointed to a large white bag on the floor.
"We have no food at home. I bought breakfast for us to eat together. They didn't have your favorite doughnut... so I bought one of every kind they had." House grinned and held the bag open for Chase to peer into. He was overcome with a warmth that he'd never felt before. This showing of love and affection through baked goods hit Chase hard in the chest and he gave into it, pulling the older man into a tight embrace and claiming his mouth with a desperate kiss.
House: Ha! Giving it up for doughnuts! You are so frigging cheap and easy!
Chase: *pouting* Fic!me is cheap and easy. *thinking* And fic!you is thoughtful and sweet… Noticing all the little things… Romantic gestures… Ha! You’re the girl!!
House: I - shut up.
He faintly heard the bag of doughnuts hit the ground as House brought his arms up around Chase to join in.
Chase: Row, row, row your boat
House: Row, row, row your boat
Chase: *simultaneously* Gently down the stream…
They parted with panting breaths.
House: OK, hold on. Don’t push on this contraction, Chase. Just breathe through it.
Chase: *holding abdomen* Hah. Hah. Hah.
"You're welcome. I'll make sure to go to the bakery more often." House smiled quickly and then ran his thumb across Chase's bottom lip. "So what's really wrong?"
"I woke up alone. This morning sucked... but the day's getting better."
The End
House: Yeah, whatever. That was boring.
Chase: You’re just sore because it wasn’t House/Wilson slash.
House: Why would that make me sore?
Chase: Because it’s been obvious since Brain Tapeworm Patient that you’re in love with Wilson.
House: I’m not in love with Wilson!
Wilson: *entering* Well, that’s good. Might make it awkward when we watch lesbian porn together.
House: Get out. I’m pissed at you for trying to trick me.
Wilson: Obviously. But until you talk Chase or Foreman into buying your porn for you, you need me…
House: *interested* What’s that in your hand? Is that…
Wilson: Lesbian Licks 7. Came in a day early. I’ve got the PPTH movie theater booked for the next two hours.
House: Cuddy’s gonna know -
Wilson: It’s under Cameron’s name.
House: You’re forgiven for everything. See ya, Chase.
Chase: Since you two aren’t in love or having sex or anything, can I watch too?
House & Wilson: No!