Letting go

[debxena]

This time, five years ago, an earlier spiral of my life. The she that was me then was hibernating. Hiding out in a fort made of warm sheets, long books, excitable and furry kitten-cats. Hidden from the world at large, with no person for miles except one elder friend (safe, understanding, challenging), the felines, and the cows

Comments

[okimasu]

I love your posts, whatever you write about you do it so well...

Your entry reminds me of when I felt a similar way, after three bereavements in such a short space of time I found myself to scared to leave the comfort of my bed and my house. It was safe there, and I could ignore the world that I didn't understand. Losing so much meant that I suddenly had no idea of who I was or what I was doing in life, and that confusion over myself was terifying. Coping with study or work or other people became so impossible when I couldn't even cope with myself.

"A part too small to renew itself. But that the universe, in its infiniteness, could do that for me, if I opened the door."
And then somehow we figure a way through, just when we can never imagine feeling ok again, some rays of light shine through.. or however the quote goes.

I always find it so odd that sometimes, a lot of insight into things can come from a lot of pain.

Anyway, I shall stop rambling, it was good to speak to you briefly yesterday,
*hugs* xXx

[debxena]

There is a terrible agony in watching someone hollowed out with
a knife even if the end result is an instrument on which is
played the music of the universe. - Dr. Shiela Cassidy, Good Friday People

I was good to speak to you too! Keep an eye out for snail mail, okay?

*hugs*

[missmurchison]

Thank you for sharing that meaningful moment.

[debxena]

That was a memorable day for me,
for it made great changes in me.
But it is the same for any life.
Imagine one day struck out
of it and think how different
it's course would have been.

Pause you who read this
and think for a moment
of the long chain
of Iron or Gold
of Thorns or Flowers
that never would have bound
you but for the formation
of the first link
on one memorable day.
- Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

You're welcome. Thank you for finding it meaningful also.

[namfle]

You have a way with words; you paint with them like an old italian master that used oils instead of words. You should consider writing for a living.

*snicker*

Seriously, though....
There are probably a bunch of people who are happier than I am that you found yourself. I bet that list is small, though. :)
I also have an enormous amount of sympathy for you. I didn't just fall down my whole, I flung myself into it willingly. I never saw the bottom, though, that was taken out of my hands. 'It was not meant to be, you are' is what I was told. I got dropped back onto my feet, and thus did I have to begin to find the courage to learn to walk again. Sometimes I feel like I'm almost there, sometimes I feel like I've been running for a time, and sometimes I feel like I've only gotten to my knees and no further.
Some days the whole feels a million miles away, some days it feels like I'm right on it's edge. Some days I can sit there and dangle my feet into it without fear, and sometimes I feel the quicksand around it dragging me in.

Somehow,

[debxena]

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe. - Dennis Leary

Just to amp up the black humour quotient a little.

Just knowing you gives me strength, you know. As do all my friends, whether in person or in words (and the words are powerful, believe me). I love you, you know that? Thank you for being a mirror, a guiding hand, a listening ear. A loving friend.

[namfle]

Denis (one 'n') Leary is hilarious. He's also turned into an amazing actor. Goes to show what NOT doing drugs can do for a boy. :)

The feelings are most definitely mutual. I'm truly glad that I'm able to do something for ya from so far away. :)

-elf-

[debxena]

There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time. - Dame Rebecca West.

I'm really looking forward to that, hon. I treasure my Thursday evenings - and not just for the leching!

[newplanet]

that was truly one of the most beautiful and healing things I've read in quite a long time. It's funny how I go to read philosophy things, thinking they'd offer me some meaning in life...but it's really more heart-felt writing which truly ignites something in you.

That's pretty much how I also felt since Sept.2004 last year...treating my home, my little room and bed/blankets/cat as a sanctuary - hiding away from the world and seeking warmth from the smallness of this confined place I was in.

But summer is here....time to discover life all over again! :)

and please don't stop writing!

[debxena]

True poets don't write their thoughts with a pen.
They release the ink that flows from within their heart. - Unknown

No fear, I won't stop writing. Thank you for your lovely comments - and for sharing your sanctuary with me :)