melted metal and the way raindrops erode fear - caspian x - pg - gen | 100foraslan

[penguingeek]

I'D RATHER NOT STUDY, PLZKTHX. *avoids instead*

melted metal and the way raindrops erode fear
Caspian X; PG; General / 300 words
Prompt: "Raindrops" by Regina Spektor.
"Warning(s)": A lack of capitalization, punctuation that breaks all the rules, and one made-up word. Blame McCarthy's All the Pretty Horses.
Disclaimer: None of the following

Comments

[ineptshieldmaid]

A quick series of answers: I'm not sure; I liked the piece very much, for itself, although the style seems slightly odd (I do realise it's an odd style, but usually when an unusual style is spot on for the piece it feels just right); the first few lines were a bit more difficult to process (my brain kept insisting that stenchous wasn't a word); I'd like to see you write in this style again, I'd be interested to see how you develop it.

[penguingeek]

In saying "usually when an unusual style is spot on for the piece it feels just right" do you mean it didn't feel right, here? Just curious. :) And thanks for the feedback.

[ineptshieldmaid]

Mot QUITE right. And i'm not entirely sure why, unfortunately. It just... plot, good. Characterisation, good. Style- in *theory* good, and I can't pick holes in the execution, but it feels slightly off centre. It could be too narrative for the style, perhaps?

*Reads again and stares at it*

Your introductory sentence threw me. It reads as if it's from Peter's point of view, but the piece is from Caspian's. That probably wouldn't be a problem in normal prose storytelling, but here I think it is, since the piece is so very introspective.

[angela_weber]

I really like this a lot. You create such vivid mental images! I think that ineptshieldmaid makes some really valid points--it *does* feel just the tiniest, tiniest bit off-center--but, I don't know, maybe that's why it works for me. I'd love to see more in this style from you. :)