[FIC] Haven't Got the Words for You (PG-13) for Archon_Mentha
Gift type: Fanfic
Title: Haven’t got the words for you
Recipient: archon_mentha
Author: xmarie08
Rating: PG-13 for language
Warnings: Excessive adverbs and Meta ahead :)
Spoilers: Through 5.10
Summary: Chuck’s life is weird. He’s a Prophet of the Lord. He’s trying to fight the devil with a crew of misfits. Oh, and his girlfriend has a slightly unhealthy obsession with gay porn. So it’s really not so surprising that when Dean and Cas start bickering Gabriel, goaded by new buddy, takes matters into his own hands and decides to have a little fun. Now it’s up to Chuck and the gang to write Dean and Cas’ story…
Author notes: 1. Based on a fantastic prompt from archon_mentha. 2. Italics indicate Chuck’s thoughts. Bold indicates Chuck’s writing. 3. Unbetaed due to deadline!fail. Sorry! 4. Title from “Oxford Comma” by Vampire Weekend.
There were some days Chuck really hated being a prophet.
Today was one of those days.
That’s why he was rummaging through Bobby Singer’s fridge, hoping in vain to find a stray beer tucked behind the expired orange juice and the can of spray cheese.
He leaned back on his heels and let out a loud sigh as he rubbed his temples. The migraines were the worst part of being a prophet. No, wait, scratch that, the knowing-the-world-is-ending-and-the-devil-is-loose-on-earth-and-there-is-nothing-I-can-do-to stop-it was actually the worst part. But, the headaches were a close second.
A sound in the living room shook Chuck out of his moping.
Becky must be back with the Chinese, guess she didn’t do much shopping after all, he thought. If she brought me booze I’m going to marry her crazy ass.
“Hey, Becks did you-“ Chuck stopped short when he saw Gabriel flopping down on the couch and propping his feet up on the coffee table.
“Chucky!” he said with a grin. “Good to see you!”
“Uh, hey, Ga-Gabriel,” Chuck stuttered.
Chuck found him terrifying when he was just the Trickster. I mean Mystery Spot? He remembered each of those deaths and Sam’s horror each and every time. Then he wrote Changing Channels and found out that he was really a super powerful archangel. So, yeah, Gabriel scared the shit out of him.
“I brought you a present Chuck,” Gabriel said nodding to the makeshift bar in the corner of Bobby’s living room.
Sitting there was an entire case of whiskey.
Ok, maybe he’s not so bad Chuck thought as he darted over to the case. He ripped it open, extracted a bottle, and resisted the urge to moan as the amber liquid burned the back of his throat.
“So, are you going to share with the rest of the class?”
Chuck turned to Gabriel, “Oh, uh, you’re still here… Um, yes?”
He plucked a glass off the counter and after a moment of contemplation he grabbed a second bottle from the case. He wasn’t up for sharing.
“Thanks Chuck,” Gabriel said breezily. “Where’s Loony Tunes?”
“She’s-shopping and getting dinner,” he said before gulping down some more whiskey.
Chuck knew he should stick up for Becky Hell, Becky would totally stand up for him to Lucifer himself, but Chuck just wasn’t that strong. Or crazy.
“Ah, I see. So it’s just you and me then?”
“Um, yeah?” Chuck squeaked. He cleared his throat and tried to lower his voice, “I mean, yes.”
Damn. How to Dean and Cas manage to do that whole sexy, gravelly voice thing? I sound ridiculous.
“Hmm, interesting,” Gabriel murmured with a twinkle in his eye that made Chuck’s blood run cold.
Dispensing with any appearance of propriety, Chuck closed his eyes, threw back his head, and chugged half the bottle of whiskey he was gripping so tightly his fingers were starting to tingle.
Gabriel chuckled lightly and asked, “So Chuck, how’s the writing going? See anything interesting?”
Ok, Chuck thought, this is good, talking about visions and strategy, I can do this.
“Um, nothing specific, I just saw a bunch of us crowded around my computer screen, like maybe I was writing something important. Today, I mean, we were all wearing the same clothes, so I think it’s going to happen today. Maybe.” Chuck finished lamely, taking another long pull on the bottle.
There was a heat radiating through his body and his mental reactions were becoming sluggish. Which meant he should probably stop drinking.
But, Chuck thought, it’s like Dean always says, when have you ever know us to do the smart thing?
Chuck quickly polished off the whiskey.
He got up and snagged another bottle from the case. When he turned back he saw Gabriel rolling the cocktail between his hands looking thoughtful. Chuck thought about slipping upstairs while the angel was distracted. But, maybe the alcohol made his braver or something, because instead he returned to his seat and continued sipping as they sat in silence.
When Chuck was about halfway through the second bottle he was feeling utterly relaxed and his eyes started to droop. He took another gulp and choked when he heard a voice right behind him.
“Aww, if it isn’t George and Clarence. How charming.”
“Not very original Crowley,” Gabriel said with smirk, “You can do better.”
“Ah, yes, well, narrowly avoiding Lucifer’s minions has the unfortunate side effect of tempering my acerbic wit.” Crowley sauntered over to the bar and selected a clean tumbler before taking a seat on the couch next to Gabriel.
“Well,” Gabriel said as he filled Crowley’s glass, “eat, drink and be merry.”
“For tomorrow we’re dead,” Crowley said as he pulled a Hershey’s bar from his pocket and casually tossed it to Gabriel. He raised his glass and nodded to both of them, “Cheers.”
Crowley joining their team actually made an odd sort of sense to Chuck. It was like Spike joining the Scoobies. Chuck actually had a whole Scooby Gang analogy. Dean was Buffy, the chosen one- the strong, powerful, snarky leader. Sam was Willow, the super powered sidekick. Bobby was Giles, with a trucker hat instead of glasses. Cas was Angel, the quiet and broody champion of the people. Gabriel was Faith, a bad ass with a bad attitude who’d done some pretty terrible things in the past. Becky was Anya, smart, funny and social awkward. They were trying desperately to track down Jesse, the kid who could be the key to everything, so he was obviously Dawn. And Chuck was Zander, the funny one, the one who saw everything.
Chuck did not share this theory with the group. He suspected Dean would kick his ass.
Plus, when he did tell Becky she cocked her head and said, “Hmm, maybe, but you’re also kind of like Andrew… you know? Like, some of your mannerisms and stuff…and I mean, like, the angels used you like The First used Andrew and, you know, one of his defining characteristics was that he was a storyteller.”
Chuck kissed her just to shut her up. It could have been worse he figured later, she could have said he was Jonathan.
Anyway, Crowley and Gabriel had developed a strange friendship, bonding over their shared misanthropy. Their favorite pastime was torturing Cas. It made the Winchester prank wars look like the amateur hour. Dean was constantly yelling at them to knock it off, even if he sometimes had trouble keeping a straight face.
Chuck was pulled from his thoughts when he heard his name.
“Oh Please,” Crowley scoffed, “you think I couldn’t come up with a reasonable cover story? I’m an *amazing* storyteller. I’ve certainly got more skills than that hack over there.” He gestured to Chuck.
“Hey! I’m a *great* writer!” Chuck interjected before his brain caught up with his mouth.
Gabriel and Crowley stared at him.
Oh Fuck. Why did I say that? It’s not even true!
“Is that so?” Gabriel asked slowly.
Crowley snorted, “Oh please! That man’s never met an adverb he didn’t like.”
“Hey, I may not be a perfect writer, but I know my characters” Chuck argued.
Seriously, what the hell? Just SHUT UP.
“Of course you know your characters, you live with them you moron!” Crowley gleefully pointed out.
“No, like internal motivation and everything. I understand you all… and stuff” Chuck said gesturing sloppily to the pair on the couch.
Whiskey is evil. I’m never drinking again.
Crowley’s rejoinder was interrupted by Castiel and Dean’s sudden appearance on the other side of room.
“Goddamnit Cas!” Dean yelled as he shoved the angel’s hand away from his forehead. “I could have taken them!”
“No, you couldn’t. It was reckless!” Cas growled.
Crowley rolled his eyes, “Oh would you two just-”
“Shut up Crowley!” Dean and Cas said simultaneously, before returning to their bickering.
“They are driving me crazy lately,” Gabriel moaned.
“What those two need,” Crowley said quietly, “is to be locked in a room together until they-”
He stopped when Gabriel put a hand on his arm.
“I think you’re exactly right,” the archangel said, a dangerous smile overtaking his face. “And, I say we kill two birds with one stone.”
He snapped his fingers and Dean and Cas disappeared.
“And where exactly did you send them?” Crowley asked.
“Oh, just Bobby’s panic room.” He snapped again and the TV turned on. On the screen was a video feed of the panic room, even though Chuck knew there were no cameras in there. “Castiel’s powers are bound and the door is impenetrable,” Gabriel said cheerfully.
“But then how do they get out?” Chuck wondered.
“Well Chucky,” Gabriel said, “that’s really up to you.”
“Me!”
“Yep, you know your characters so well you just need to write them out of the situation.”
It sounded simple enough, but the smug look on the archangel’s face and laughter coming from his demon buddy made Chuck think he was in serious trouble.
“Um, okay?” He went over to the desk and sat in front of his laptop. He opened a new word document and words began to type themselves, starting with Dean and Cas’ arrival and ending with this:
The hunter pounded on the iron until his hands hurt as he cursed the archangel. Castiel for his part focused all his concentration on transporting himself to the other side of door. It was no use. He couldn’t access his powers. He prayed silently that this was Gabriel’s doing and not further evidence of his weakening state.
“So, I just continue the story?” Chuck asked. “Can’t I just write that the door opens? Or Cas gets his powers back?”
“Now, now,” Gabriel scolded, “that would be cheating! No, this is an exercise in character motivation.”
Chuck was sobering up but it didn’t really help. He was still confused.
“Don’t strain yourself,” Crowley laughed, pouring himself another drink.
“It’s simple,” Gabriel said. “Dean and Cas have been at each other’s throats a lot lately right?” Chuck nodded and he continued, “Well, once they resolve their… issues they’ll be released. You write it and it will happen, but,” he warned, “you can’t write in any outside interference.”
Chuck nodded, took a deep breath, and when he turned back to the screen he read, Chuck nodded, took a deep breath, and when he turned back to the computer screen he read “Chuck nodded, took a deep breath, and when he turned back to the computer screen he read about himself reading about himself”
Great, I hate all this meta crap thought Chuck. He was pretty sure the computer typed this, but he resolved not to read it. He’d give himself a headache. Again.
Ok. Dean and Cas… they’ve both been edgy lately. Duh, of course they’re on edge it’s the freaking apocalypse. No, it’s like, stuff’s building up and then they’re exploding at each other. What they need to do is talk…
“Having some trouble?” Chuck didn’t need to turn around see Crowley’s mocking smile, he could hear it perfectly.
“Nope, I got this,” Chuck tried to sound more confident than felt. He cracked his knuckles, cleared his throat and went to work.
“Well this, this is just great!” Dean said sarcastically as he kicked a crate on the floor. And fuck, it must have been full of bricks or something. He winced and hoped his toes weren’t broken as he flopped down on one of the cots.
“Feel better?” Cas asked in that monotone voice that drove Dean crazy because he couldn’t tell if Cas was mocking him or just curious about human emotional responses. But Dean was annoyed, so he decided it was the former.
“Kiss my ass. I’m going to kill your brother when I get out of here.”
Castiel ignored Dean as his eyes scanned the room. He hadn’t been down here since…
“I’m the one who let Sam out of the panic room,” he blurted out. His eyes widened. “I don’t know why I just said that.”
Dean’s eyes narrowed and when he spoke his voice was ice cold, “You. You let Sam out of the panic room.”
Castiel looked away, gazing fixing on a rusty patch of wall as if it was suddenly interesting. “Yes, I did it.”
They waited in silence until Castiel heard Dean exhale loudly. “Ok” Dean said quietly.
Castiel finally let his eyes shift back so he could see Dean’s face, “Ok?”
Dean sighed again, but he looked resigned and maybe a little hurt, but not angry. “Yeah, ok. I suspected as much.” Dean rubbed a hand over his face. “Even if you hadn’t, I’m sure Zachariah would have just had some other dick with wings do it. You should have told me though. Before now I mean.”
“I know.”
“Why did you tell me know?” Dean asked.
“I… I don’t know,” Cas admitted, his brow furrowed. “I just… felt compelled to do so.”
“Gabriel?”
“Perhaps.”
Dean nodded absently. He didn’t like it, Gabriel having that kind of control over Cas. He knew that Cas wasn’t all powerful, especially these days, but he was still far more powerful than Dean could ever hope to be and if Gabe could do that to Cas then…
“I’ve been fantasizing about torture,” Dean’s lips moved on their own accord. “Fuck!”
Dean stood up and started pacing around the small room as he rubbed he back of his neck.
“Ok, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Since Jo and Ellen died… I just… think about Meg and Lucifer and what it would be like to…” Dean stopped, closed his eyes, and sucked in a deep breath. “And it scares me. How bad I want it. I thought I left that part of me in Hell.”
Cas placed a hand on his shoulder, sympathy coloring his normally impassive expression. Dean was struck by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu.
“It’s alright Dean. I believe a desire for vengeance is normal human response to such a situation. You just have the ability to imagine such scenarios in more vivid detail.” He squeezed Dean’s shoulder gently and gave him a small smile.
Dean swallowed against the lump in his throat and returned the smile in kind.
“There!” Chuck said with an air of satisfaction. “And now for the final touch…”
Dean decided to give the door one more try and to his surprise the wheel turned in his hands and-”
“Hey!” Chuck yelled as the cursor backed up deleting the final sentence.
“Aw, sorry! Thanks for playing!” Gabriel said with a triumphant smile as Crowley howled with laughter.
“Ok, fine,” Chuck pouted. “You win. I admit it, I’m a crappy writer. Now can you please release them?”
“But we’re having so much fun,” Crowley whined.
“Yeah,” Gabriel agreed. “I know! We’ll give you a little assistance Chuck.”
The front door banged open.
“Dean? Bobby?” Sam yelled. He rounded the corner, “Oh hey guys. Have you seen Dean?”
Crowley and Gabriel exchanged glances and cracked up. Sam stared at them for a moment before turning to Chuck. “What’s up with Statler and Waldorf?”
Chuck sighed and shook his head before launching into the story.
******************
“Let them go now!” Sam was holding Gabriel by the front of his shirt, Ruby’s knife at his throat, while Crowley watched with amusement.
Gabriel just laughed, “Now Sam, you know that knife won’t do a thing to me.”
Sam glanced at the knife and shoved Gabriel back onto the couch. “You’re right,” he turned and walked behind the couch looking out the window. Before Chuck knew what was happening, Sam had the knife at Crowley’s throat. “But it will kill him.”
Crowley rolled his eyes, “I’m offended, really I am, that you think that little knife could harm a demon of my caliber.”
Sam glanced at Chuck, “That true? This can’t kill him?”
Chuck nodded. It was probably a good thing; they could really use all the help they could get.
Sam eased his grip on Crowley. “Well, in that case…” he said blithely before plunging the knife into Crowley’s chest.
“OWWWWW!!!!” Crowley howled. “What the BLOODY HELL did you do that for?!?” He winced as he slipped the blade from his flesh.
“I didn’t do anything!” He waved the knife at Gabriel, “this is all his doing!”
“Yeah, and I’m sure you were egging him on,” Sam shrugged, “I’d stab him too if it would hurt him in the slightest.” He frowned as he watched a drop of blood splash to the floor. “You’d better clean up. Bobby will be pissed if he finds out you bled all over his living room.”
Crowley gaped at him as Sam shifted his attention back to Chuck. “Ok, show me what you’ve got so far.”
Sam quickly read over the print out of the story so far while Chuck kept glancing over his shoulder at Crowley. He couldn’t believe Sam had the cojones to turn his back on a very pissed off demon.
“So, what, you just thought they needed to hug it out? Seriously Chuck?”
“Well that’s how it always works when you two are having problems!” Chuck whined. “You park the impala, grab a beer, and make with the emotional confessions. End of story.”
“You’re crazy,” Sam scoffed.
“Did you even read my books?”
“Yes and then I quickly repressed the memories.”
“Boys, boys, boys,” Gabriel interrupted, “Dean and Cas are waiting.”
Sam shot him a scathing look. “Ok, maybe Dean and I talk…sometimes… but we’re family. Dean does not talk about feelings to people who aren’t family.”
Chuck kind of suspected that if push came to shove Dean would consider Cas family but he refrained from telling Sam that. “So what do you think they need to do?”
“Yeah Sam,” Crowley taunted. “Aren’t you supposed to be the brains of your little dynamic duo?”
“Don’t make me stab you again.”
“Crowley,” Gabriel warned, “quit provoking the humans. If you keep distracting them they’ll never figure this out, and then what would we do for fun?”
“Sam?” Chuck prompted.
“This is Dean,” Sam murmured as he paced the floor, “he’s like a little kid in a grown man’s body. Emotional maturity isn’t exactly his strong suit.”
“So, you have an idea?” Chuck asked hopeful.
Sam stopped, “Yeah, Dean’s a physical guy. He needs to vent his aggression that way.”
“Um, Sam?” Chuck ventured. “I’m pretty sure if Dean tries to hit Cas he’ll end up with a broken hand.”
“Not in there he won’t,” Gabriel interrupted.
“Ok Chuck, let’s get to work.”
***********************
Cas collapsed against the wall, his face bruised and bloodied.
“You ok?” Dean asked.
Cas nodded, “Are you?”
“Yeah, I’m ok,” Dean said looking abashed. “Sorry about that. I just… well I don’t know what the hell that was, but I think I’ve got it out of my system now.”
“Glad I could oblige,” Cas said dryly.
Dean smiled and grimaced as the movement disturbed his injuries, “Glad to see your sarcasm is improving Cas.” He offered Cas is hand, “C’mon, I think Bobby may have emergency some ice packs stashed down here.”
Once Cas was on his feet Dean turned to the door, “I’m gonna try it, maybe Gabriel got bored.”
Dean gripped the iron wheel and threw all of his weight behind it. He felt it start to give and-“
“Damn it!” Sam yelled as the word processor independently completed the sentence with it moved an inch, but no more.
Chuck put his head down on the desk and tried to ignore the angel and demon cackling behind him.
“C’mon Gabriel you’ve had your fun,” Sam said, straining to keep his voice neutral. “You win, ok? Chuck and I surrender.”
Gabriel shook his head, “Boys, I’m not doing this for the fun of it-“
“Well, that’s part of it,” Crowley added.
“True, but I’m doing this for the good of the group,” Gabriel insisted. “If those two don’t work things out they’ll drive us all crazy.” He sighed, “And then I’d end up killing them and that would put a damper on our whole saving the world plan.”
Sam huffed, but Chuck could tell he thought Gabriel had a point. He leaned over Chuck’s shoulder and hit print.
Chuck stared at the screen. The cursor blinked at him, taunting him with his epic failure as a writer.
Hey, that’s a pretty good line.
Chuck stared at the screen. The cursor blinked at him, taunting him with his epic failure as a writer.
Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.
“Looks like you morons are about to get some more assistance,” Crowley inclined his head toward the window and Chuck could hear the faint sound of Bobby’s van approaching.
Chuck continued to face off against the evil cursor of doom while Sam went off to help Bobby into the house and fill him in on the situation.
By the time Bobby wheeled himself into the living room Chuck was cross-eyed.
“I’m gone for a few hours and you let Heckle and Jeckle here get the run of the place?” he bellowed glaring at Sam and Chuck. “So the knife doesn’t work, get the damn Colt!”
“Actually-” Crowley tried to speak.
“You, shut yer cakehole! If I ever what your opinion I’ll ask for it” Bobby raged.
“You too asshat!” he bit out when it looked like Gabriel was going to try to speak.
“Um, Bobby?” Chuck hedged.
“What!”
“Dean’s got the Colt.”
“Oh.” Bobby’s shoulders sagged and he exhaled deeply as the fight went out of him. “I need a drink.”
A drink!
Chucked whipped around to face Sam and saw that the hunter was thinking the same thing.
Sam shrugged, “Can’t hurt to try right? Maybe relaxing like that is exactly what they need.”
“Oh, wait, there isn’t any whiskey in there,” Chuck groaned.
“Yeah there is!” Sam said with a laugh. “Becky thought you should have a stash in case you were stuck in there, but she didn’t want anybody to raid it so she put it in box labeled ‘feminine hygiene products.’
“Really?” the prophet’s heart soared and he was sure he had a ridiculously silly grin painting his face.
“Really.”
“Oh for the love of-get writing idjit!” Bobby groused.
Chuck rolled his eyes, flexed his fingers and turned to the keyboard.
Cas will have to find the box. No way Dean’s opening that.
*************
”I think I like alcohol Dean,” Castiel declared. “I think I would like some more.”
Dean eyed the angel skeptically, “maybe you’ve had enough. You’ve already had a lot and you don’t really have any tolerance.”
“Just one more?”
Cas had puppy dog eyes that rivaled Sam’s and Dean couldn’t refuse him. “Yeah, ok, one more.”
While Dean poured another glass, Cas, who was feeling pretty invincible, decided to try the door one more time.
“It’s not gonna work dude,” Dean said with a bitter chuckle.
“You never know,” Cas said with one of his rare smiles. He let out a breath and firmly grasped the wheel.
“Noooo,” they all groaned as the program typed, And the wheel was just stuck as it had been from the beginning.
“I think they’re getting colder.”
“SHUT UP Crowley,” the three men shouted in unison.
“Demon’s got a point,” Gabriel said nonchalantly.
“Nice to know *somebody* appreciates me,” Crowley grumbled.
“Whatever,” Sam said dismissively. “Are offering us a hint?” he asked Gabriel. “Or are you just toying with us some more?”
“Both,” the archangel said noncommittally.
The two hunters and prophet just glared at him until he continued, “the beating the crap out of each other thing, that was closer than the relaxing and getting drunk thing.”
The three men exchanged confused glances before turning back to the computer. Sam printed two copies and handed one to Bobby while Chuck scrolled back up to the beginning of the document.
They read in relative silence, punctuated with half formed thoughts.
“What if they… no…”
“They could just… never mind.”
“Idjits.”
They were so focused they didn’t even notice the sound of a car pulling up to the house.
“Hello? Chuck?” Becky called as she opened the front door. “I’ve got Chinese food! It was the weirdest thing though, I-“ she stopped when she saw everyone in the living room. “What’s going on?”
Bobby and Sam exchanged glances and Bobby rolled over to hand her a copy of the story so far. It was easier than trying to explain it all. Again.
She skimmed through it quickly, giggling occasionally, before she looked up and exclaimed, “Sex!”
“Not now Becky!” Chuck hissed with embarrassment at the same time as Sam said, “Um Becky, you’re with *Chuck* now.”
Becky giggled and rolled her eyes, “No, sillies! I’m talking about Dean and Cas!”
Sam frowned, “Well, you’ve got a point. Dean could really stand to get laid, Cas too probably, but there aren’t any girls in there and I think that’s part of the rules.”
Becky stared at them like they were complete idiots, “I know.”
“But, then, you mean like, um masturbation or something?” Chuck said flustered. “I think Dean hid some porn down there right?”
“Of course he did,” Bobby muttered.
“God they are really thick!” Crowley said to Gabriel. He gestured to Becky, “Listen to Crazy Eyes.”
“Hey!” Becky shot Crowley a nasty look before turning back to three bewildered men. “Dean and Cas need to have sex,” she said slowly, like she was explaining it to a small child, “Together.”
The silence was deafening.
Chuck was still struggling to form a coherent thought when Sam let out a strangled, “What?”
Apparently that was all the decorum the angel and demon could manage. They howled with laughter.
“Hey, be nice,” Becky chastised, “It’s not their fault they couldn’t see it. They are bound by the shackles of heteronormativity.”
They laughed louder.
“Bound by the what?” Chuck asked.
“Heteronormativity,” Becky said shooting a parting glare at Gabriel and Crowley before shifting her attention back to the other humans in the room. “It’s the cultural norm of seeing everyone as heterosexual.”
“But, Dean *is* heterosexual,” Sam insisted.
“Well, really everyone is a little bit bisexual,” Becky said confidently.
“What?” “Whoa!” “No way.”
“Look at the humans with their quaint notions of sexuality! Adorable really,” Gabriel said.
Chuck felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him. Though he’d never admit it out loud, Dean was kind of his hero. And this… well Chuck wasn’t sure what this even was yet. “So, you’re saying Dean’s bisexual? I’ve never seen him having sex with men though.”
It took him a minute to realize how that sounded. “In my head I mean.”
Yeah, not much better. “In the visions! I’ve never even seen him check out another guy *in my visions*.”
Becky gave him an indulgent smile, “No, sweetie. I don’t think Dean’s ever been interested in a guy before and I don’t think Cas has either. That’s why they’ve been fighting like cats and dogs lately. It’s like when you were in elementary school, if you like someone you teased them and pulled their hair because you didn’t know what else to do.”
“You know,” she continued, a faraway look in her eyes, “It’s really quite romantic. I mean, being drawn to someone beyond all reason. Desire forbidden…”
Chuck recognized the signs of Becky slipping into her own fantasies. “Becky!”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Bobby,” Sam said quietly, “you’re awfully quiet. What do you think?”
Bobby rubbed his beard, “Sam, I hate to say it, but I think she might be right.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yeah, kid, I am. It makes sense. I always felt like there was something I was missing watchin’ the two of them. The way they look at each other sometimes, it’s like…”
“Like they just want to lick each other?” Crowley added helpfully.
“You better pour me huge glass of whiskey you evil son of a bitch” Bobby said as he wheeled over to couch, “‘cause I need to drink until that image is permanently erased from my mind.”
“Me too,” Sam said with a shudder.
Chuck was busy mentally reviewing everything he knew about Dean and Cas and trying to pinpoint the exact moment their feelings had changed that he didn’t notice right away that everyone staring at him expectantly.
“Chuck?” Sam prompted.
“Huh?”
“Are you going to write… it?” Sam asked.
“What!” Chuck squeaked, “Why do I have to write it!”
“’Cause you’re the write ya idjit!”
“But,” Chuck flailed, “I don’t… I can’t… I don’t even know what guys *do*!”
“Oh, well since they’re both new to this being with guys thing you’ll just want to keep it simple,” Becky said brightly. “Oral at the very most.”
“Oh god, somebody just shoot me,” Sam groaned.
Bobby chugged the entire glass of whiskey in his hands.
“Please,” Chuck begged, “please don’t make me write this Gabriel!”
“Let me do it! I can do it,” Becky insisted with a dangerous gleam in her eye.
“Ok, little fruitcake,” Gabriel said with a grin, “Go for it!”
Becky squealed and jumped up and down. Chuck would have found her enthusiasm disturbing if he wasn’t so relieved.
She was off and running the minute her fingers hit the keyboard. Chuck sank wearily to the couch.
Gabriel handed him some whiskey, “Good thing your girlfriend’s kinky Chucky.”
Chuck shrugged and took a sip.
They all sat and drank; the constant tapping of the keys the only sound in the small room.
Eventually though, Becky broke the tentative peace. “Which do you think sounds better: ‘throbbing member’ or ‘aching manhood’?”
“I hate you both so much,” Sam moaned, shooting death glares at Crowley and Gabriel.
Crowley just raised an eyebrow, “Does Dean know you’re this homophobic Sam?”
“Hey! I’m not homophobic,” Sam insisted. “I don’t want to know anything about my brother’s ‘throbbing manhood’ regardless of who it’s… engaged with.”
“Oh, thanks Sam, I think that phrasing is even better,” Becky said.
“Oh, fuck. I just wrote porn about my brother.”
The whiskey was starting to go to Chuck’s head again. “Our lives are really weird,” he said with a giggle.
“I’ll drink to that,” Bobby said as he slid his glass across the table to be refilled.
They spend the next twenty minutes drinking and talking about anything *other* than what was happening downstairs.
“And, ‘The End’,” Becky typed with a flourish. She turned, beaming. “So, how’d I do?” she asked Gabriel.
“You’re as mad as a hatter little grasshopper, but you done good,” the archangel acknowledged.
Becky giggled as she took a small bow. Then she bounded over to jump into Chuck’s lap and shove her tongue down his throat.
Was it a little weird that she was all turned on from writing gay porn about their friends? Yeah, but she was also an *animal* in the sack when she was turned on like this, so Chuck wasn’t going to complain.
“Damn, don’t choke the boy,” Bobby called.
Reluctantly, they came up for air.
“I propose a toast,” Crowley said as he raised his glass. “To the prophet Chuck, who is possibly the worst writer in the world-“
“Thanks, that’s very kind,” Chuck muttered.
“And Sam and Bobby his equally dimwitted assistants-“
Bobby shrugged.
“And Gabriel, who’s demented mind cooked up this entertaining little game.”
“Oh, you’re too kind, sir,” the angel simpered.
“And finally, to Becky, the only person batshit crazy enough to finish it.”
“Here, here,” said Sam as they all raised their glasses.
“Well,” Gabriel drawled, “I think they’ve had enough time to pull themselves together.”
The archangel snapped his fingers and Dean and Cas appeared.
They were standing with their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed, each man holding the other’s forearms. They apparently didn’t notice the change of scenery.
Until Becky started squeeing like fangirl that is.
Cas froze, eyes snapping open and making him look *exactly* like a deer caught in the headlights.
Dean jumped about two feet away and his face flushed crimson.
Gabriel just leered and said, “Gentlemen! So good of you to… come.”
Everyone else lost it.
Chuck was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. Sam actually had tears rolling down his face. Crowley kept trying to say something but he kept laughing too hard to finish his thought. Bobby was guffawing loudly, his whole body shaking.
“Never mind them,” Becky said sweetly. “They’re all just a little drunk.” She batted her eyes at Dean, “Want some? There’s plenty to go around.”
“Um yeah… Yeah, that sounds good,” Dean admitted.
“Cas?” she asked with an innocence that Chuck knew to be a façade.
The angel finally abandoned his imitation of a statue, “Uh no.”
He glanced over at Dean but wouldn’t quite make eye contact, “I should…”
“Yes!” Dean jumped in. He cleared his throat, “Right, the uh, lead you were going to check out.”
Cas furrowed his brow for a second before his features smoothed out, “Right. The lead.”
Dean really needs to work with Cas on the whole deception thing.
Dean gave the angel a tight smile and Cas nodded once before disappearing.
Bobby and Sam must have taken pity on Dean because they started up a theological debate that Chuck knew would keep Crowley and Gabriel engaged for hours.
Dean tried to sit and listen but kept fidgeting so he eventually gave up and was just, sort of, wandering around the room.
Becky meanwhile started nuzzling Chuck’s neck. She leaned up and whispered in his ear, “whaddya say we go upstairs and finish that kiss from before.”
“Ah, yes please,” Chuck said enthusiastically. Becky stood and offered a hand to help him up. She then entwined their fingers together and started to lead him toward the stairs.
“Hey, what’s this?” he heard Dean’s voice behind him. Chuck glanced back and saw Dean leaning over the laptop.
“Shit. Run,” he hissed as he pushed Becky up the stairs.
They had just reached the second floor when they heard, “SONOFABITCH!”
[The End]
Title: Haven’t got the words for you
Recipient: archon_mentha
Author: xmarie08
Rating: PG-13 for language
Warnings: Excessive adverbs and Meta ahead :)
Spoilers: Through 5.10
Summary: Chuck’s life is weird. He’s a Prophet of the Lord. He’s trying to fight the devil with a crew of misfits. Oh, and his girlfriend has a slightly unhealthy obsession with gay porn. So it’s really not so surprising that when Dean and Cas start bickering Gabriel, goaded by new buddy, takes matters into his own hands and decides to have a little fun. Now it’s up to Chuck and the gang to write Dean and Cas’ story…
Author notes: 1. Based on a fantastic prompt from archon_mentha. 2. Italics indicate Chuck’s thoughts. Bold indicates Chuck’s writing. 3. Unbetaed due to deadline!fail. Sorry! 4. Title from “Oxford Comma” by Vampire Weekend.
There were some days Chuck really hated being a prophet.
Today was one of those days.
That’s why he was rummaging through Bobby Singer’s fridge, hoping in vain to find a stray beer tucked behind the expired orange juice and the can of spray cheese.
He leaned back on his heels and let out a loud sigh as he rubbed his temples. The migraines were the worst part of being a prophet. No, wait, scratch that, the knowing-the-world-is-ending-and-the-devil-is-loose-on-earth-and-there-is-nothing-I-can-do-to stop-it was actually the worst part. But, the headaches were a close second.
A sound in the living room shook Chuck out of his moping.
Becky must be back with the Chinese, guess she didn’t do much shopping after all, he thought. If she brought me booze I’m going to marry her crazy ass.
“Hey, Becks did you-“ Chuck stopped short when he saw Gabriel flopping down on the couch and propping his feet up on the coffee table.
“Chucky!” he said with a grin. “Good to see you!”
“Uh, hey, Ga-Gabriel,” Chuck stuttered.
Chuck found him terrifying when he was just the Trickster. I mean Mystery Spot? He remembered each of those deaths and Sam’s horror each and every time. Then he wrote Changing Channels and found out that he was really a super powerful archangel. So, yeah, Gabriel scared the shit out of him.
“I brought you a present Chuck,” Gabriel said nodding to the makeshift bar in the corner of Bobby’s living room.
Sitting there was an entire case of whiskey.
Ok, maybe he’s not so bad Chuck thought as he darted over to the case. He ripped it open, extracted a bottle, and resisted the urge to moan as the amber liquid burned the back of his throat.
“So, are you going to share with the rest of the class?”
Chuck turned to Gabriel, “Oh, uh, you’re still here… Um, yes?”
He plucked a glass off the counter and after a moment of contemplation he grabbed a second bottle from the case. He wasn’t up for sharing.
“Thanks Chuck,” Gabriel said breezily. “Where’s Loony Tunes?”
“She’s-shopping and getting dinner,” he said before gulping down some more whiskey.
Chuck knew he should stick up for Becky Hell, Becky would totally stand up for him to Lucifer himself, but Chuck just wasn’t that strong. Or crazy.
“Ah, I see. So it’s just you and me then?”
“Um, yeah?” Chuck squeaked. He cleared his throat and tried to lower his voice, “I mean, yes.”
Damn. How to Dean and Cas manage to do that whole sexy, gravelly voice thing? I sound ridiculous.
“Hmm, interesting,” Gabriel murmured with a twinkle in his eye that made Chuck’s blood run cold.
Dispensing with any appearance of propriety, Chuck closed his eyes, threw back his head, and chugged half the bottle of whiskey he was gripping so tightly his fingers were starting to tingle.
Gabriel chuckled lightly and asked, “So Chuck, how’s the writing going? See anything interesting?”
Ok, Chuck thought, this is good, talking about visions and strategy, I can do this.
“Um, nothing specific, I just saw a bunch of us crowded around my computer screen, like maybe I was writing something important. Today, I mean, we were all wearing the same clothes, so I think it’s going to happen today. Maybe.” Chuck finished lamely, taking another long pull on the bottle.
There was a heat radiating through his body and his mental reactions were becoming sluggish. Which meant he should probably stop drinking.
But, Chuck thought, it’s like Dean always says, when have you ever know us to do the smart thing?
Chuck quickly polished off the whiskey.
He got up and snagged another bottle from the case. When he turned back he saw Gabriel rolling the cocktail between his hands looking thoughtful. Chuck thought about slipping upstairs while the angel was distracted. But, maybe the alcohol made his braver or something, because instead he returned to his seat and continued sipping as they sat in silence.
When Chuck was about halfway through the second bottle he was feeling utterly relaxed and his eyes started to droop. He took another gulp and choked when he heard a voice right behind him.
“Aww, if it isn’t George and Clarence. How charming.”
“Not very original Crowley,” Gabriel said with smirk, “You can do better.”
“Ah, yes, well, narrowly avoiding Lucifer’s minions has the unfortunate side effect of tempering my acerbic wit.” Crowley sauntered over to the bar and selected a clean tumbler before taking a seat on the couch next to Gabriel.
“Well,” Gabriel said as he filled Crowley’s glass, “eat, drink and be merry.”
“For tomorrow we’re dead,” Crowley said as he pulled a Hershey’s bar from his pocket and casually tossed it to Gabriel. He raised his glass and nodded to both of them, “Cheers.”
Crowley joining their team actually made an odd sort of sense to Chuck. It was like Spike joining the Scoobies. Chuck actually had a whole Scooby Gang analogy. Dean was Buffy, the chosen one- the strong, powerful, snarky leader. Sam was Willow, the super powered sidekick. Bobby was Giles, with a trucker hat instead of glasses. Cas was Angel, the quiet and broody champion of the people. Gabriel was Faith, a bad ass with a bad attitude who’d done some pretty terrible things in the past. Becky was Anya, smart, funny and social awkward. They were trying desperately to track down Jesse, the kid who could be the key to everything, so he was obviously Dawn. And Chuck was Zander, the funny one, the one who saw everything.
Chuck did not share this theory with the group. He suspected Dean would kick his ass.
Plus, when he did tell Becky she cocked her head and said, “Hmm, maybe, but you’re also kind of like Andrew… you know? Like, some of your mannerisms and stuff…and I mean, like, the angels used you like The First used Andrew and, you know, one of his defining characteristics was that he was a storyteller.”
Chuck kissed her just to shut her up. It could have been worse he figured later, she could have said he was Jonathan.
Anyway, Crowley and Gabriel had developed a strange friendship, bonding over their shared misanthropy. Their favorite pastime was torturing Cas. It made the Winchester prank wars look like the amateur hour. Dean was constantly yelling at them to knock it off, even if he sometimes had trouble keeping a straight face.
Chuck was pulled from his thoughts when he heard his name.
“Oh Please,” Crowley scoffed, “you think I couldn’t come up with a reasonable cover story? I’m an *amazing* storyteller. I’ve certainly got more skills than that hack over there.” He gestured to Chuck.
“Hey! I’m a *great* writer!” Chuck interjected before his brain caught up with his mouth.
Gabriel and Crowley stared at him.
Oh Fuck. Why did I say that? It’s not even true!
“Is that so?” Gabriel asked slowly.
Crowley snorted, “Oh please! That man’s never met an adverb he didn’t like.”
“Hey, I may not be a perfect writer, but I know my characters” Chuck argued.
Seriously, what the hell? Just SHUT UP.
“Of course you know your characters, you live with them you moron!” Crowley gleefully pointed out.
“No, like internal motivation and everything. I understand you all… and stuff” Chuck said gesturing sloppily to the pair on the couch.
Whiskey is evil. I’m never drinking again.
Crowley’s rejoinder was interrupted by Castiel and Dean’s sudden appearance on the other side of room.
“Goddamnit Cas!” Dean yelled as he shoved the angel’s hand away from his forehead. “I could have taken them!”
“No, you couldn’t. It was reckless!” Cas growled.
Crowley rolled his eyes, “Oh would you two just-”
“Shut up Crowley!” Dean and Cas said simultaneously, before returning to their bickering.
“They are driving me crazy lately,” Gabriel moaned.
“What those two need,” Crowley said quietly, “is to be locked in a room together until they-”
He stopped when Gabriel put a hand on his arm.
“I think you’re exactly right,” the archangel said, a dangerous smile overtaking his face. “And, I say we kill two birds with one stone.”
He snapped his fingers and Dean and Cas disappeared.
“And where exactly did you send them?” Crowley asked.
“Oh, just Bobby’s panic room.” He snapped again and the TV turned on. On the screen was a video feed of the panic room, even though Chuck knew there were no cameras in there. “Castiel’s powers are bound and the door is impenetrable,” Gabriel said cheerfully.
“But then how do they get out?” Chuck wondered.
“Well Chucky,” Gabriel said, “that’s really up to you.”
“Me!”
“Yep, you know your characters so well you just need to write them out of the situation.”
It sounded simple enough, but the smug look on the archangel’s face and laughter coming from his demon buddy made Chuck think he was in serious trouble.
“Um, okay?” He went over to the desk and sat in front of his laptop. He opened a new word document and words began to type themselves, starting with Dean and Cas’ arrival and ending with this:
The hunter pounded on the iron until his hands hurt as he cursed the archangel. Castiel for his part focused all his concentration on transporting himself to the other side of door. It was no use. He couldn’t access his powers. He prayed silently that this was Gabriel’s doing and not further evidence of his weakening state.
“So, I just continue the story?” Chuck asked. “Can’t I just write that the door opens? Or Cas gets his powers back?”
“Now, now,” Gabriel scolded, “that would be cheating! No, this is an exercise in character motivation.”
Chuck was sobering up but it didn’t really help. He was still confused.
“Don’t strain yourself,” Crowley laughed, pouring himself another drink.
“It’s simple,” Gabriel said. “Dean and Cas have been at each other’s throats a lot lately right?” Chuck nodded and he continued, “Well, once they resolve their… issues they’ll be released. You write it and it will happen, but,” he warned, “you can’t write in any outside interference.”
Chuck nodded, took a deep breath, and when he turned back to the screen he read, Chuck nodded, took a deep breath, and when he turned back to the computer screen he read “Chuck nodded, took a deep breath, and when he turned back to the computer screen he read about himself reading about himself”
Great, I hate all this meta crap thought Chuck. He was pretty sure the computer typed this, but he resolved not to read it. He’d give himself a headache. Again.
Ok. Dean and Cas… they’ve both been edgy lately. Duh, of course they’re on edge it’s the freaking apocalypse. No, it’s like, stuff’s building up and then they’re exploding at each other. What they need to do is talk…
“Having some trouble?” Chuck didn’t need to turn around see Crowley’s mocking smile, he could hear it perfectly.
“Nope, I got this,” Chuck tried to sound more confident than felt. He cracked his knuckles, cleared his throat and went to work.
“Well this, this is just great!” Dean said sarcastically as he kicked a crate on the floor. And fuck, it must have been full of bricks or something. He winced and hoped his toes weren’t broken as he flopped down on one of the cots.
“Feel better?” Cas asked in that monotone voice that drove Dean crazy because he couldn’t tell if Cas was mocking him or just curious about human emotional responses. But Dean was annoyed, so he decided it was the former.
“Kiss my ass. I’m going to kill your brother when I get out of here.”
Castiel ignored Dean as his eyes scanned the room. He hadn’t been down here since…
“I’m the one who let Sam out of the panic room,” he blurted out. His eyes widened. “I don’t know why I just said that.”
Dean’s eyes narrowed and when he spoke his voice was ice cold, “You. You let Sam out of the panic room.”
Castiel looked away, gazing fixing on a rusty patch of wall as if it was suddenly interesting. “Yes, I did it.”
They waited in silence until Castiel heard Dean exhale loudly. “Ok” Dean said quietly.
Castiel finally let his eyes shift back so he could see Dean’s face, “Ok?”
Dean sighed again, but he looked resigned and maybe a little hurt, but not angry. “Yeah, ok. I suspected as much.” Dean rubbed a hand over his face. “Even if you hadn’t, I’m sure Zachariah would have just had some other dick with wings do it. You should have told me though. Before now I mean.”
“I know.”
“Why did you tell me know?” Dean asked.
“I… I don’t know,” Cas admitted, his brow furrowed. “I just… felt compelled to do so.”
“Gabriel?”
“Perhaps.”
Dean nodded absently. He didn’t like it, Gabriel having that kind of control over Cas. He knew that Cas wasn’t all powerful, especially these days, but he was still far more powerful than Dean could ever hope to be and if Gabe could do that to Cas then…
“I’ve been fantasizing about torture,” Dean’s lips moved on their own accord. “Fuck!”
Dean stood up and started pacing around the small room as he rubbed he back of his neck.
“Ok, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Since Jo and Ellen died… I just… think about Meg and Lucifer and what it would be like to…” Dean stopped, closed his eyes, and sucked in a deep breath. “And it scares me. How bad I want it. I thought I left that part of me in Hell.”
Cas placed a hand on his shoulder, sympathy coloring his normally impassive expression. Dean was struck by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu.
“It’s alright Dean. I believe a desire for vengeance is normal human response to such a situation. You just have the ability to imagine such scenarios in more vivid detail.” He squeezed Dean’s shoulder gently and gave him a small smile.
Dean swallowed against the lump in his throat and returned the smile in kind.
“There!” Chuck said with an air of satisfaction. “And now for the final touch…”
Dean decided to give the door one more try and to his surprise the wheel turned in his hands and-”
“Hey!” Chuck yelled as the cursor backed up deleting the final sentence.
“Aw, sorry! Thanks for playing!” Gabriel said with a triumphant smile as Crowley howled with laughter.
“Ok, fine,” Chuck pouted. “You win. I admit it, I’m a crappy writer. Now can you please release them?”
“But we’re having so much fun,” Crowley whined.
“Yeah,” Gabriel agreed. “I know! We’ll give you a little assistance Chuck.”
The front door banged open.
“Dean? Bobby?” Sam yelled. He rounded the corner, “Oh hey guys. Have you seen Dean?”
Crowley and Gabriel exchanged glances and cracked up. Sam stared at them for a moment before turning to Chuck. “What’s up with Statler and Waldorf?”
Chuck sighed and shook his head before launching into the story.
******************
“Let them go now!” Sam was holding Gabriel by the front of his shirt, Ruby’s knife at his throat, while Crowley watched with amusement.
Gabriel just laughed, “Now Sam, you know that knife won’t do a thing to me.”
Sam glanced at the knife and shoved Gabriel back onto the couch. “You’re right,” he turned and walked behind the couch looking out the window. Before Chuck knew what was happening, Sam had the knife at Crowley’s throat. “But it will kill him.”
Crowley rolled his eyes, “I’m offended, really I am, that you think that little knife could harm a demon of my caliber.”
Sam glanced at Chuck, “That true? This can’t kill him?”
Chuck nodded. It was probably a good thing; they could really use all the help they could get.
Sam eased his grip on Crowley. “Well, in that case…” he said blithely before plunging the knife into Crowley’s chest.
“OWWWWW!!!!” Crowley howled. “What the BLOODY HELL did you do that for?!?” He winced as he slipped the blade from his flesh.
“I didn’t do anything!” He waved the knife at Gabriel, “this is all his doing!”
“Yeah, and I’m sure you were egging him on,” Sam shrugged, “I’d stab him too if it would hurt him in the slightest.” He frowned as he watched a drop of blood splash to the floor. “You’d better clean up. Bobby will be pissed if he finds out you bled all over his living room.”
Crowley gaped at him as Sam shifted his attention back to Chuck. “Ok, show me what you’ve got so far.”
Sam quickly read over the print out of the story so far while Chuck kept glancing over his shoulder at Crowley. He couldn’t believe Sam had the cojones to turn his back on a very pissed off demon.
“So, what, you just thought they needed to hug it out? Seriously Chuck?”
“Well that’s how it always works when you two are having problems!” Chuck whined. “You park the impala, grab a beer, and make with the emotional confessions. End of story.”
“You’re crazy,” Sam scoffed.
“Did you even read my books?”
“Yes and then I quickly repressed the memories.”
“Boys, boys, boys,” Gabriel interrupted, “Dean and Cas are waiting.”
Sam shot him a scathing look. “Ok, maybe Dean and I talk…sometimes… but we’re family. Dean does not talk about feelings to people who aren’t family.”
Chuck kind of suspected that if push came to shove Dean would consider Cas family but he refrained from telling Sam that. “So what do you think they need to do?”
“Yeah Sam,” Crowley taunted. “Aren’t you supposed to be the brains of your little dynamic duo?”
“Don’t make me stab you again.”
“Crowley,” Gabriel warned, “quit provoking the humans. If you keep distracting them they’ll never figure this out, and then what would we do for fun?”
“Sam?” Chuck prompted.
“This is Dean,” Sam murmured as he paced the floor, “he’s like a little kid in a grown man’s body. Emotional maturity isn’t exactly his strong suit.”
“So, you have an idea?” Chuck asked hopeful.
Sam stopped, “Yeah, Dean’s a physical guy. He needs to vent his aggression that way.”
“Um, Sam?” Chuck ventured. “I’m pretty sure if Dean tries to hit Cas he’ll end up with a broken hand.”
“Not in there he won’t,” Gabriel interrupted.
“Ok Chuck, let’s get to work.”
***********************
Cas collapsed against the wall, his face bruised and bloodied.
“You ok?” Dean asked.
Cas nodded, “Are you?”
“Yeah, I’m ok,” Dean said looking abashed. “Sorry about that. I just… well I don’t know what the hell that was, but I think I’ve got it out of my system now.”
“Glad I could oblige,” Cas said dryly.
Dean smiled and grimaced as the movement disturbed his injuries, “Glad to see your sarcasm is improving Cas.” He offered Cas is hand, “C’mon, I think Bobby may have emergency some ice packs stashed down here.”
Once Cas was on his feet Dean turned to the door, “I’m gonna try it, maybe Gabriel got bored.”
Dean gripped the iron wheel and threw all of his weight behind it. He felt it start to give and-“
“Damn it!” Sam yelled as the word processor independently completed the sentence with it moved an inch, but no more.
Chuck put his head down on the desk and tried to ignore the angel and demon cackling behind him.
“C’mon Gabriel you’ve had your fun,” Sam said, straining to keep his voice neutral. “You win, ok? Chuck and I surrender.”
Gabriel shook his head, “Boys, I’m not doing this for the fun of it-“
“Well, that’s part of it,” Crowley added.
“True, but I’m doing this for the good of the group,” Gabriel insisted. “If those two don’t work things out they’ll drive us all crazy.” He sighed, “And then I’d end up killing them and that would put a damper on our whole saving the world plan.”
Sam huffed, but Chuck could tell he thought Gabriel had a point. He leaned over Chuck’s shoulder and hit print.
Chuck stared at the screen. The cursor blinked at him, taunting him with his epic failure as a writer.
Hey, that’s a pretty good line.
Chuck stared at the screen. The cursor blinked at him, taunting him with his epic failure as a writer.
Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.
“Looks like you morons are about to get some more assistance,” Crowley inclined his head toward the window and Chuck could hear the faint sound of Bobby’s van approaching.
Chuck continued to face off against the evil cursor of doom while Sam went off to help Bobby into the house and fill him in on the situation.
By the time Bobby wheeled himself into the living room Chuck was cross-eyed.
“I’m gone for a few hours and you let Heckle and Jeckle here get the run of the place?” he bellowed glaring at Sam and Chuck. “So the knife doesn’t work, get the damn Colt!”
“Actually-” Crowley tried to speak.
“You, shut yer cakehole! If I ever what your opinion I’ll ask for it” Bobby raged.
“You too asshat!” he bit out when it looked like Gabriel was going to try to speak.
“Um, Bobby?” Chuck hedged.
“What!”
“Dean’s got the Colt.”
“Oh.” Bobby’s shoulders sagged and he exhaled deeply as the fight went out of him. “I need a drink.”
A drink!
Chucked whipped around to face Sam and saw that the hunter was thinking the same thing.
Sam shrugged, “Can’t hurt to try right? Maybe relaxing like that is exactly what they need.”
“Oh, wait, there isn’t any whiskey in there,” Chuck groaned.
“Yeah there is!” Sam said with a laugh. “Becky thought you should have a stash in case you were stuck in there, but she didn’t want anybody to raid it so she put it in box labeled ‘feminine hygiene products.’
“Really?” the prophet’s heart soared and he was sure he had a ridiculously silly grin painting his face.
“Really.”
“Oh for the love of-get writing idjit!” Bobby groused.
Chuck rolled his eyes, flexed his fingers and turned to the keyboard.
Cas will have to find the box. No way Dean’s opening that.
*************
”I think I like alcohol Dean,” Castiel declared. “I think I would like some more.”
Dean eyed the angel skeptically, “maybe you’ve had enough. You’ve already had a lot and you don’t really have any tolerance.”
“Just one more?”
Cas had puppy dog eyes that rivaled Sam’s and Dean couldn’t refuse him. “Yeah, ok, one more.”
While Dean poured another glass, Cas, who was feeling pretty invincible, decided to try the door one more time.
“It’s not gonna work dude,” Dean said with a bitter chuckle.
“You never know,” Cas said with one of his rare smiles. He let out a breath and firmly grasped the wheel.
“Noooo,” they all groaned as the program typed, And the wheel was just stuck as it had been from the beginning.
“I think they’re getting colder.”
“SHUT UP Crowley,” the three men shouted in unison.
“Demon’s got a point,” Gabriel said nonchalantly.
“Nice to know *somebody* appreciates me,” Crowley grumbled.
“Whatever,” Sam said dismissively. “Are offering us a hint?” he asked Gabriel. “Or are you just toying with us some more?”
“Both,” the archangel said noncommittally.
The two hunters and prophet just glared at him until he continued, “the beating the crap out of each other thing, that was closer than the relaxing and getting drunk thing.”
The three men exchanged confused glances before turning back to the computer. Sam printed two copies and handed one to Bobby while Chuck scrolled back up to the beginning of the document.
They read in relative silence, punctuated with half formed thoughts.
“What if they… no…”
“They could just… never mind.”
“Idjits.”
They were so focused they didn’t even notice the sound of a car pulling up to the house.
“Hello? Chuck?” Becky called as she opened the front door. “I’ve got Chinese food! It was the weirdest thing though, I-“ she stopped when she saw everyone in the living room. “What’s going on?”
Bobby and Sam exchanged glances and Bobby rolled over to hand her a copy of the story so far. It was easier than trying to explain it all. Again.
She skimmed through it quickly, giggling occasionally, before she looked up and exclaimed, “Sex!”
“Not now Becky!” Chuck hissed with embarrassment at the same time as Sam said, “Um Becky, you’re with *Chuck* now.”
Becky giggled and rolled her eyes, “No, sillies! I’m talking about Dean and Cas!”
Sam frowned, “Well, you’ve got a point. Dean could really stand to get laid, Cas too probably, but there aren’t any girls in there and I think that’s part of the rules.”
Becky stared at them like they were complete idiots, “I know.”
“But, then, you mean like, um masturbation or something?” Chuck said flustered. “I think Dean hid some porn down there right?”
“Of course he did,” Bobby muttered.
“God they are really thick!” Crowley said to Gabriel. He gestured to Becky, “Listen to Crazy Eyes.”
“Hey!” Becky shot Crowley a nasty look before turning back to three bewildered men. “Dean and Cas need to have sex,” she said slowly, like she was explaining it to a small child, “Together.”
The silence was deafening.
Chuck was still struggling to form a coherent thought when Sam let out a strangled, “What?”
Apparently that was all the decorum the angel and demon could manage. They howled with laughter.
“Hey, be nice,” Becky chastised, “It’s not their fault they couldn’t see it. They are bound by the shackles of heteronormativity.”
They laughed louder.
“Bound by the what?” Chuck asked.
“Heteronormativity,” Becky said shooting a parting glare at Gabriel and Crowley before shifting her attention back to the other humans in the room. “It’s the cultural norm of seeing everyone as heterosexual.”
“But, Dean *is* heterosexual,” Sam insisted.
“Well, really everyone is a little bit bisexual,” Becky said confidently.
“What?” “Whoa!” “No way.”
“Look at the humans with their quaint notions of sexuality! Adorable really,” Gabriel said.
Chuck felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him. Though he’d never admit it out loud, Dean was kind of his hero. And this… well Chuck wasn’t sure what this even was yet. “So, you’re saying Dean’s bisexual? I’ve never seen him having sex with men though.”
It took him a minute to realize how that sounded. “In my head I mean.”
Yeah, not much better. “In the visions! I’ve never even seen him check out another guy *in my visions*.”
Becky gave him an indulgent smile, “No, sweetie. I don’t think Dean’s ever been interested in a guy before and I don’t think Cas has either. That’s why they’ve been fighting like cats and dogs lately. It’s like when you were in elementary school, if you like someone you teased them and pulled their hair because you didn’t know what else to do.”
“You know,” she continued, a faraway look in her eyes, “It’s really quite romantic. I mean, being drawn to someone beyond all reason. Desire forbidden…”
Chuck recognized the signs of Becky slipping into her own fantasies. “Becky!”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Bobby,” Sam said quietly, “you’re awfully quiet. What do you think?”
Bobby rubbed his beard, “Sam, I hate to say it, but I think she might be right.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yeah, kid, I am. It makes sense. I always felt like there was something I was missing watchin’ the two of them. The way they look at each other sometimes, it’s like…”
“Like they just want to lick each other?” Crowley added helpfully.
“You better pour me huge glass of whiskey you evil son of a bitch” Bobby said as he wheeled over to couch, “‘cause I need to drink until that image is permanently erased from my mind.”
“Me too,” Sam said with a shudder.
Chuck was busy mentally reviewing everything he knew about Dean and Cas and trying to pinpoint the exact moment their feelings had changed that he didn’t notice right away that everyone staring at him expectantly.
“Chuck?” Sam prompted.
“Huh?”
“Are you going to write… it?” Sam asked.
“What!” Chuck squeaked, “Why do I have to write it!”
“’Cause you’re the write ya idjit!”
“But,” Chuck flailed, “I don’t… I can’t… I don’t even know what guys *do*!”
“Oh, well since they’re both new to this being with guys thing you’ll just want to keep it simple,” Becky said brightly. “Oral at the very most.”
“Oh god, somebody just shoot me,” Sam groaned.
Bobby chugged the entire glass of whiskey in his hands.
“Please,” Chuck begged, “please don’t make me write this Gabriel!”
“Let me do it! I can do it,” Becky insisted with a dangerous gleam in her eye.
“Ok, little fruitcake,” Gabriel said with a grin, “Go for it!”
Becky squealed and jumped up and down. Chuck would have found her enthusiasm disturbing if he wasn’t so relieved.
She was off and running the minute her fingers hit the keyboard. Chuck sank wearily to the couch.
Gabriel handed him some whiskey, “Good thing your girlfriend’s kinky Chucky.”
Chuck shrugged and took a sip.
They all sat and drank; the constant tapping of the keys the only sound in the small room.
Eventually though, Becky broke the tentative peace. “Which do you think sounds better: ‘throbbing member’ or ‘aching manhood’?”
“I hate you both so much,” Sam moaned, shooting death glares at Crowley and Gabriel.
Crowley just raised an eyebrow, “Does Dean know you’re this homophobic Sam?”
“Hey! I’m not homophobic,” Sam insisted. “I don’t want to know anything about my brother’s ‘throbbing manhood’ regardless of who it’s… engaged with.”
“Oh, thanks Sam, I think that phrasing is even better,” Becky said.
“Oh, fuck. I just wrote porn about my brother.”
The whiskey was starting to go to Chuck’s head again. “Our lives are really weird,” he said with a giggle.
“I’ll drink to that,” Bobby said as he slid his glass across the table to be refilled.
They spend the next twenty minutes drinking and talking about anything *other* than what was happening downstairs.
“And, ‘The End’,” Becky typed with a flourish. She turned, beaming. “So, how’d I do?” she asked Gabriel.
“You’re as mad as a hatter little grasshopper, but you done good,” the archangel acknowledged.
Becky giggled as she took a small bow. Then she bounded over to jump into Chuck’s lap and shove her tongue down his throat.
Was it a little weird that she was all turned on from writing gay porn about their friends? Yeah, but she was also an *animal* in the sack when she was turned on like this, so Chuck wasn’t going to complain.
“Damn, don’t choke the boy,” Bobby called.
Reluctantly, they came up for air.
“I propose a toast,” Crowley said as he raised his glass. “To the prophet Chuck, who is possibly the worst writer in the world-“
“Thanks, that’s very kind,” Chuck muttered.
“And Sam and Bobby his equally dimwitted assistants-“
Bobby shrugged.
“And Gabriel, who’s demented mind cooked up this entertaining little game.”
“Oh, you’re too kind, sir,” the angel simpered.
“And finally, to Becky, the only person batshit crazy enough to finish it.”
“Here, here,” said Sam as they all raised their glasses.
“Well,” Gabriel drawled, “I think they’ve had enough time to pull themselves together.”
The archangel snapped his fingers and Dean and Cas appeared.
They were standing with their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed, each man holding the other’s forearms. They apparently didn’t notice the change of scenery.
Until Becky started squeeing like fangirl that is.
Cas froze, eyes snapping open and making him look *exactly* like a deer caught in the headlights.
Dean jumped about two feet away and his face flushed crimson.
Gabriel just leered and said, “Gentlemen! So good of you to… come.”
Everyone else lost it.
Chuck was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. Sam actually had tears rolling down his face. Crowley kept trying to say something but he kept laughing too hard to finish his thought. Bobby was guffawing loudly, his whole body shaking.
“Never mind them,” Becky said sweetly. “They’re all just a little drunk.” She batted her eyes at Dean, “Want some? There’s plenty to go around.”
“Um yeah… Yeah, that sounds good,” Dean admitted.
“Cas?” she asked with an innocence that Chuck knew to be a façade.
The angel finally abandoned his imitation of a statue, “Uh no.”
He glanced over at Dean but wouldn’t quite make eye contact, “I should…”
“Yes!” Dean jumped in. He cleared his throat, “Right, the uh, lead you were going to check out.”
Cas furrowed his brow for a second before his features smoothed out, “Right. The lead.”
Dean really needs to work with Cas on the whole deception thing.
Dean gave the angel a tight smile and Cas nodded once before disappearing.
Bobby and Sam must have taken pity on Dean because they started up a theological debate that Chuck knew would keep Crowley and Gabriel engaged for hours.
Dean tried to sit and listen but kept fidgeting so he eventually gave up and was just, sort of, wandering around the room.
Becky meanwhile started nuzzling Chuck’s neck. She leaned up and whispered in his ear, “whaddya say we go upstairs and finish that kiss from before.”
“Ah, yes please,” Chuck said enthusiastically. Becky stood and offered a hand to help him up. She then entwined their fingers together and started to lead him toward the stairs.
“Hey, what’s this?” he heard Dean’s voice behind him. Chuck glanced back and saw Dean leaning over the laptop.
“Shit. Run,” he hissed as he pushed Becky up the stairs.
They had just reached the second floor when they heard, “SONOFABITCH!”
[The End]