Bringing it back - Nightmare [Sickbay, open-ish]
Deep down, De hadn't wanted Len and Bill to leave, as they did, to leave him there, alone, lost on the biobed. He wanted so much to reach out to them, to just extend his arms and to feel the two of them envelop him in a hug. As if that would make it all alright. He could open his arms, feel them there against in shoulders, and it would all be okay.
But it wasn't ok. And he had wanted them to leave. The confusion, the conflict of them being there whirled around in his mind, dashing differing feelings off against each other, crashing, falling, broken.
He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what he wanted.
He thought, sometimes, that he wanted to cry, but no tears were forthcoming, not even after the door had shut behind the two of them with a sort of finality that frightened De, because he didn't want to lose Bill or Len, he couldn't lose them, and yet he was pushing them away and...
It was very confusing.
The words had hovered on the edge of his lips for a few hours after they had gone: Come back, I'm sorry. Please come back , but he had made no move to call them, or to do anything. He had sat, knees drawn up, face buried in his hands, for what seemed like forever, until some nurse had appeared, encouraged him to stretch out again, taken some readings, noted it all down, given him a smile, a few sentences that he didn't register and didn't respond to, and then left.
He had curled up again the minute she was gone.
The prodding and poking and the general atmosphere of being in sickbay was making the memories appear more frequently now, unbidden, untriggered now appearing in his head. He didn't want them. It had been easier without them, without the memory of that pain - pain of sickness, and pain of leaving everyone behind. Taking blood samples, sitting him up on his pillows, helping him out of bed, across the room. Sitting in that wheelchair, because he couldn't walk very far, it was too exhausting. Signing photos (God, he thought, as that one sprang up, I was still signing photos on my deathbed?), too many photos, he couldn't finish them all, and felt guilty because of that, stupid as it was, Carolyn visiting, Carolyn being even more Carolyn than ever, more insecure, more touchy, but she was still his Carolyn, his love, that could never not be, getting weaker, weaker, Myrtle - safely out of hibernation, she was there...Carolyn Carolyn Carolyn
It hurt, oh God, how it hurt.
It was to this backdrop of memories and pain that De fell into a natural, but fitful slumber, another few hours later.
...to where Carolyn was waiting. And there she was, smiling at him as normal, hand outstretched. "I'm still here," she murmured, as he walked over to her, taking her hand in his, stroking it gently, reveling in that feeling, of holding her, of not letting go. "I'm here, I told you I would be." He shook his head, burying it into her shoulders, breathing in, inhaling that soft scent of Carolyn - roses and vanilla and a touch of spice, and wrapped his arms around her. Carolyn Carolyn Carolyn "Shall I take you somewhere today, De, darling? Take you away from this." He felt himself nodding mutely, the world swirled, he held himself steady in her arms, and there they were, at Greenleaf, standing in the garden. The sun, it was there, shining brightly, perfect blue sky...green grass, the roses...his house, it was there, it was there, and Carolyn in his arms. "You wanted to be home, didn't you?" He nodding again, staring around at the perfection, so true, so real. He reached out to touch a plant, touch a blade of grass, touch the front door, turned back to smile at Carolyn, to open the front door, and to beckon her in, to go home together, to go home.
She wasn't there.
Carolyn?
Carolyn, where are you?
A note of panic crept into his mental tone, he could feel himself looking around, that knot of panic, tight, unrelenting, rising from his stomach. Carolyn, where are you? Round to the back of the house, to the back garden. Carolyn?
No answer.
Then there was movement, he caught it, felt it, out of the corner of his eye, Carolyn?, hopeful, and there she was, but she was being taken away, they were taking her away, they were taking her from him. He started forward, Carolyn!, closer closer, but she was still further and further away, he almost couldn't see her any more, don't go, don't take her, leave her with me, give her back, please please, give her back, the words tumbling from him in a stream, he couldn't reach her, he couldn't reach, they were taking her away and he couldn't protect her, he couldn't get to her, and the knot of pain, of panic grew and grew and twisted and tightened, and he fell to his knees in the grass. And saw who it was.
McCoy. Two of him, taking her away from him. He shut his eyes, feeling nauseous, bend his head to the grass, grass that was disappearing, it was turning black, it was going, Greenleaf, Carolyn, all gone. He opened his eyes again, everything was blackening, slowly decaying, withering, disappearing in front of his eyes, and there was another McCoy, and another, advancing towards him, both wielding silver glittering hypos in their hands, stony-faced, not speaking. And another. And another. It all rushed to his head, the panic, the nausea, the pain, he shut his eyes again, curled in on himself as the world turned dark and black and cold around him, and the doctors approached.
Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain
All at once, he found himself floating, floating in a world of whirling stars, dashing past him, shimmering points of light. In another time, another place, it would have been beautiful. He turned abruptly, looking, searching for Carolyn, anyone. Bill? Len? Anyone. Just the light of the stars, whizzing around him, great swirling patterns, confused lines...but there they were, Bill and Len, but they had each other, they had their arms wrapped around each other, and they were kissing, and he tried to call out, he tried to let them know that he was here, but they didn't hear him. Or he made no sound, he couldn't tell. He tried again, louder, but there was no response, they are there, floating through the starscape together, and they can't see De, can't hear De, can't help De, wrapped up in each other. He found himself reaching out again, like he tried with Carolyn, but they too were slipping away, rolling away into the twinkle of the starshine, and he couldn't get hold of them.
They are gone they are gone they are gone they are gone.
And all is darkness.
And then it hurt, there was a pain all over, a dull, painful ache, he was lying down, but he couldn't see, all darkness, darkness, darkness, even when he opened his eyes. He tried to call out again, surely someone must hear, but there was no one. The knot tightened even further, cutting deep into his stomach, he could feel it there, heavy and ohgodohgodohgod, it hurt. Voices. There were voices, there out of the darkness, but they couldn't hear him. He was trying to talk, trying to speak, but it was all darkness, and they were talking about him as if he was going, as if he was dying I'm not, I'm not but there was no change to the voices. That one, he knew that one so well, it was Carolyn, he couldn't see but it was Carolyn, he was sure of it. "It's alright, De. I'm looked after. I love you so much, De, with all my heart. De, De, if you can hear this," I can hear, I can hear, he tried to make heard, but there was no indication that it had been. "De, if you can hear this," the voice, her voice, cracked, but there was a swallow, a deep intake of breath, and she continued, "it's ok, you can go. You can let go. I love you." Something slipped, it all felt further away still, the noise around him quieter. I don't want to go, not again, no no no no, I'm staying, I'm not going no no no but it hurt and hurt, and the pain in his stomach, the knot of panic and worry and pain and guilt was digging in. He could feel himself going, soft, slow, but it hurt inside, in his mind, in his memory. There was some laughter, some rememberances, he could vaguely hear them, and he tried again to open his eyes, to see, to get out of the darkness. Let them know he was here, he was alright, that he wasn't going, but there was nothing.
Recitations.
Slipped further. It was all so quiet, except for De, inside his head, no no no no no no, not again, not again, I don't want to leave again, I can't leave again, no no no no no no no, can't you see, I'm alright, I'm here, please, please, I just want to be with you, Carolyn, and Len and Bill too, please, I just want to be with them, no no no no no, why can't you hear me, why can't you hear me, I'm here, listen, I'm here.
Quieter still. "Go with God, De, whenever you feel ready. It's ok, sweetie."
No no no no, not this time, not this time, I'm alright, I'm ok, don't make me leave again, why can't you hear me?
Silence.
All would have been silence, were it not for De, tossing and turning in the bed, a sweat beaded on his brow as he twisted ever more uncomfortably in the covers. "No," he mumbled, through the sleepy thickness of the nightmare, his voice rising almost to a shout, "no no no no no no no! Carolyn...Bill...Len...Carolyn, Carolyn!"
De's sleeping agitation only increased, his limbs twisting in the covers, and his heightened monitor readings, along with his almost shouts, alerted the duty nurse, who came rushing over, sending off a quick communication to Doctor McCoy, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Shatner as she did so, as noted in his medical notes if there were to be any change in his condition.
Doctor McCoy, Leonard Nimoy, Bill Shatner:
Mr Kelley is in a state of considerable agitation - he seems to be having a nightmare. I'm going to attempt to calm him, but your presence would be appreciated. Mr. Nimoy, Mr. Shatner - he is calling your names.
And with that, she hurried to his bedside.
But it wasn't ok. And he had wanted them to leave. The confusion, the conflict of them being there whirled around in his mind, dashing differing feelings off against each other, crashing, falling, broken.
He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what he wanted.
He thought, sometimes, that he wanted to cry, but no tears were forthcoming, not even after the door had shut behind the two of them with a sort of finality that frightened De, because he didn't want to lose Bill or Len, he couldn't lose them, and yet he was pushing them away and...
It was very confusing.
The words had hovered on the edge of his lips for a few hours after they had gone: Come back, I'm sorry. Please come back , but he had made no move to call them, or to do anything. He had sat, knees drawn up, face buried in his hands, for what seemed like forever, until some nurse had appeared, encouraged him to stretch out again, taken some readings, noted it all down, given him a smile, a few sentences that he didn't register and didn't respond to, and then left.
He had curled up again the minute she was gone.
The prodding and poking and the general atmosphere of being in sickbay was making the memories appear more frequently now, unbidden, untriggered now appearing in his head. He didn't want them. It had been easier without them, without the memory of that pain - pain of sickness, and pain of leaving everyone behind. Taking blood samples, sitting him up on his pillows, helping him out of bed, across the room. Sitting in that wheelchair, because he couldn't walk very far, it was too exhausting. Signing photos (God, he thought, as that one sprang up, I was still signing photos on my deathbed?), too many photos, he couldn't finish them all, and felt guilty because of that, stupid as it was, Carolyn visiting, Carolyn being even more Carolyn than ever, more insecure, more touchy, but she was still his Carolyn, his love, that could never not be, getting weaker, weaker, Myrtle - safely out of hibernation, she was there...Carolyn Carolyn Carolyn
It hurt, oh God, how it hurt.
It was to this backdrop of memories and pain that De fell into a natural, but fitful slumber, another few hours later.
...to where Carolyn was waiting. And there she was, smiling at him as normal, hand outstretched. "I'm still here," she murmured, as he walked over to her, taking her hand in his, stroking it gently, reveling in that feeling, of holding her, of not letting go. "I'm here, I told you I would be." He shook his head, burying it into her shoulders, breathing in, inhaling that soft scent of Carolyn - roses and vanilla and a touch of spice, and wrapped his arms around her. Carolyn Carolyn Carolyn "Shall I take you somewhere today, De, darling? Take you away from this." He felt himself nodding mutely, the world swirled, he held himself steady in her arms, and there they were, at Greenleaf, standing in the garden. The sun, it was there, shining brightly, perfect blue sky...green grass, the roses...his house, it was there, it was there, and Carolyn in his arms. "You wanted to be home, didn't you?" He nodding again, staring around at the perfection, so true, so real. He reached out to touch a plant, touch a blade of grass, touch the front door, turned back to smile at Carolyn, to open the front door, and to beckon her in, to go home together, to go home.
She wasn't there.
Carolyn?
Carolyn, where are you?
A note of panic crept into his mental tone, he could feel himself looking around, that knot of panic, tight, unrelenting, rising from his stomach. Carolyn, where are you? Round to the back of the house, to the back garden. Carolyn?
No answer.
Then there was movement, he caught it, felt it, out of the corner of his eye, Carolyn?, hopeful, and there she was, but she was being taken away, they were taking her away, they were taking her from him. He started forward, Carolyn!, closer closer, but she was still further and further away, he almost couldn't see her any more, don't go, don't take her, leave her with me, give her back, please please, give her back, the words tumbling from him in a stream, he couldn't reach her, he couldn't reach, they were taking her away and he couldn't protect her, he couldn't get to her, and the knot of pain, of panic grew and grew and twisted and tightened, and he fell to his knees in the grass. And saw who it was.
McCoy. Two of him, taking her away from him. He shut his eyes, feeling nauseous, bend his head to the grass, grass that was disappearing, it was turning black, it was going, Greenleaf, Carolyn, all gone. He opened his eyes again, everything was blackening, slowly decaying, withering, disappearing in front of his eyes, and there was another McCoy, and another, advancing towards him, both wielding silver glittering hypos in their hands, stony-faced, not speaking. And another. And another. It all rushed to his head, the panic, the nausea, the pain, he shut his eyes again, curled in on himself as the world turned dark and black and cold around him, and the doctors approached.
Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain
All at once, he found himself floating, floating in a world of whirling stars, dashing past him, shimmering points of light. In another time, another place, it would have been beautiful. He turned abruptly, looking, searching for Carolyn, anyone. Bill? Len? Anyone. Just the light of the stars, whizzing around him, great swirling patterns, confused lines...but there they were, Bill and Len, but they had each other, they had their arms wrapped around each other, and they were kissing, and he tried to call out, he tried to let them know that he was here, but they didn't hear him. Or he made no sound, he couldn't tell. He tried again, louder, but there was no response, they are there, floating through the starscape together, and they can't see De, can't hear De, can't help De, wrapped up in each other. He found himself reaching out again, like he tried with Carolyn, but they too were slipping away, rolling away into the twinkle of the starshine, and he couldn't get hold of them.
They are gone they are gone they are gone they are gone.
And all is darkness.
And then it hurt, there was a pain all over, a dull, painful ache, he was lying down, but he couldn't see, all darkness, darkness, darkness, even when he opened his eyes. He tried to call out again, surely someone must hear, but there was no one. The knot tightened even further, cutting deep into his stomach, he could feel it there, heavy and ohgodohgodohgod, it hurt. Voices. There were voices, there out of the darkness, but they couldn't hear him. He was trying to talk, trying to speak, but it was all darkness, and they were talking about him as if he was going, as if he was dying I'm not, I'm not but there was no change to the voices. That one, he knew that one so well, it was Carolyn, he couldn't see but it was Carolyn, he was sure of it. "It's alright, De. I'm looked after. I love you so much, De, with all my heart. De, De, if you can hear this," I can hear, I can hear, he tried to make heard, but there was no indication that it had been. "De, if you can hear this," the voice, her voice, cracked, but there was a swallow, a deep intake of breath, and she continued, "it's ok, you can go. You can let go. I love you." Something slipped, it all felt further away still, the noise around him quieter. I don't want to go, not again, no no no no, I'm staying, I'm not going no no no but it hurt and hurt, and the pain in his stomach, the knot of panic and worry and pain and guilt was digging in. He could feel himself going, soft, slow, but it hurt inside, in his mind, in his memory. There was some laughter, some rememberances, he could vaguely hear them, and he tried again to open his eyes, to see, to get out of the darkness. Let them know he was here, he was alright, that he wasn't going, but there was nothing.
Recitations.
Slipped further. It was all so quiet, except for De, inside his head, no no no no no no, not again, not again, I don't want to leave again, I can't leave again, no no no no no no no, can't you see, I'm alright, I'm here, please, please, I just want to be with you, Carolyn, and Len and Bill too, please, I just want to be with them, no no no no no, why can't you hear me, why can't you hear me, I'm here, listen, I'm here.
Quieter still. "Go with God, De, whenever you feel ready. It's ok, sweetie."
No no no no, not this time, not this time, I'm alright, I'm ok, don't make me leave again, why can't you hear me?
Silence.
All would have been silence, were it not for De, tossing and turning in the bed, a sweat beaded on his brow as he twisted ever more uncomfortably in the covers. "No," he mumbled, through the sleepy thickness of the nightmare, his voice rising almost to a shout, "no no no no no no no! Carolyn...Bill...Len...Carolyn, Carolyn!"
De's sleeping agitation only increased, his limbs twisting in the covers, and his heightened monitor readings, along with his almost shouts, alerted the duty nurse, who came rushing over, sending off a quick communication to Doctor McCoy, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Shatner as she did so, as noted in his medical notes if there were to be any change in his condition.
Doctor McCoy, Leonard Nimoy, Bill Shatner:
Mr Kelley is in a state of considerable agitation - he seems to be having a nightmare. I'm going to attempt to calm him, but your presence would be appreciated. Mr. Nimoy, Mr. Shatner - he is calling your names.
And with that, she hurried to his bedside.