Re: Fill: Breathe
anonymous
February 26 2012, 03:26:42 UTC
A fantastic fill!
You created a real sense of intimacy between them, in the way they touched, in the way their breathing aligned. And Roy's frustration was beautifully realized, his anger and the way Dick's so damn good at pushing through and getting to the source of it.
Since you specifically asked for concrit and mentioned the "awkward tenses", I have to admit that at times things could be a little confusing to follow. Maybe telling yourself you're going to stick to one tense only could help? Often, in those cases, it's easier to stick to past tense, because if you refer to something that already took place within the fic, the shift isn't too jarring. And you seem to default to past tense a lot, so maybe that's where you're most comfortable? I've just lifted a random sentence here as an example:
Dick groaned and wondered when shooting an arrow had become quite such a loaded activity, moments before his head hits the wall and he pushed Roy back, just to get some space, because Roy isn’t going to get all the fun.There are two
( ... )
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On LJ:
http://phyllomania.livejournal.com/4041.html
On AO3:
http://archiveofourown.org/works/346898
...I'm going to ask for an unscreen, since I imagine it has been for one of the two links ^^;
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You created a real sense of intimacy between them, in the way they touched, in the way their breathing aligned. And Roy's frustration was beautifully realized, his anger and the way Dick's so damn good at pushing through and getting to the source of it.
Since you specifically asked for concrit and mentioned the "awkward tenses", I have to admit that at times things could be a little confusing to follow. Maybe telling yourself you're going to stick to one tense only could help? Often, in those cases, it's easier to stick to past tense, because if you refer to something that already took place within the fic, the shift isn't too jarring. And you seem to default to past tense a lot, so maybe that's where you're most comfortable? I've just lifted a random sentence here as an example:
Dick groaned and wondered when shooting an arrow had become quite such a loaded activity, moments before his head hits the wall and he pushed Roy back, just to get some space, because Roy isn’t going to get all the fun.There are two ( ... )
Reply
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