Fear of Falling
Fear of Falling
Junsu//Yoochun ©
PG ; Romance // Angst (because the author's hands are purple and all she wanted to do was kill Chun)
2nd person pov ; Junsu-centric
4,607 words
* * * * * *
He was Park Yoochun, and you were Kim Junsu.
You met him on the subway, his eyes wide and confused, a slip of paper in his hands as he desperately looked back and forth between the many faces and the tiny sheet delicately held in slim fingers. You watched him sit there, forehead pressed against the cool glass of the thick window, eyes weary from their searching and headphones placed into his ears as his head bobbed up and down - whether or not he was going along with the beat or trying to stay conscious, you did not know.
When you grew tired of watching him from afar, you quickly made your way to the empty seat before him, just to have a bit more contact, figure out why he caught your attention and why he had drawn you in. The subway was far from crowded, the clock on your cell phone reading the time clearly and you had to wonder why the boy before you was out this late.
“Hey,” you whispered lightly, nudging his knee with your index finger, your bag slung into the seat beside you, the weight lifting from your sore shoulders. “Hey, you.”
He blinked his eyes open, soft brown orbs connecting with your own and you felt your breath catch somewhere in your throat. His eyes were beautiful, deep, enticing. You wanted to drown in them, falling hard in the shining pools. He yawned, pink lips parting to let the sound escape, and you felt a smile tug at your lips at the cute way he stretched in the cramped seat he was slumped in.
“Hello,” he called back softly, his drooping eyes trying to concentrate on your face. “Is there something you need?”
“Not really. Just some company,” you answered back, your own brown eyes twinkling in the dim lights that kept flickering above their seats. “I’m Kim Junsu.”
He smiled shyly, dunking his head a bit, but you caught the tiny flush and the little indentions in his cheeks. “I’m Park Yoochun.”
“Oh, Yoochun, why are you out this late?” You saw his expression quickly to one of blankness and his eyes went back to staring out at the bleak scenery out his window. That was when you noticed the two duffel bags in the seat beside his own, packed with just enough things to survive. A runaway, you concluded. “Family life hard?”
He made a noncommittal sound and your playful grin disappeared. You knew what it was like to have an unhappy home. Your mother tried her best to feed and clothe you, your father was tired of working three jobs just to take care of the family, and your older brother had left to be with the love of his life, only calling every so many days within a week, but it was enough. You had relied on a scholarship to get to college and even then you made little to no friends on campus, working constantly so as to not burden your family, and renting a tiny apartment that resided a few blocks away from the campus.
“I’m looking for… someone,” Yoochun finally murmured after the moment spent in silence.
“A friend,” you pressed on, curious as to what exactly this stranger was looking for. “A close friend - a lover.”
Yoochun shook his head shyly, that faint blush tainting his fair skin once more, as he voiced, “No, just someone that I want to see again. A childhood friend.”
“Where are you staying?” you found yourself asking, this boy far too intriguing to lose sight of after you parted on this night. You needed to see him again.
He shrugged his bony shoulders, the jacket he wore on this freezing night unzipped and sliding down his tiny body. “I’ll find a hotel. It’s just this one month.”
For some reason you did not like the sound of that. You did not want him to leave in a month’s time - hell, you did not want him to leave tonight. And much to your dismay the ride was almost over.
“Yoochun, why don’t you just stay with me?” He looked up alarm, flustered, and you mentally hit yourself for scaring him. You were strangers, and you were inviting him to stay with you. “It’s a fairly large apartment, you’d have your space, and it’d be cheaper than finding a hotel to stay in for that long.”
He looked at you (as if he could see right through you) for a moment and then nodded with a wide smile.
That night - after stumbling into your apartment after dragging a half-asleep Yoochun along - you dreamt of sandcastles and child-like laughter, waking up to cracked ceilings and sore neck from sleeping on the much too small couch.
* * *
“Junsu! Junsu! Kim Junsu, wake up!”
You lifted your eyelids sleepily, swollen shut from the lack of sleep and probably an angry red color, only to see concerned brown eyes glancing down at you. You blinked, confused as to why such a beautiful creature was calling your name and then you remembered the night before and the subway.
“I’m awake,” you answered gruffly, rolling onto your side to get more sleep, but apparently Yoochun did not think that should happen because he kept poking at your sides until you let out groan of annoyance and swatted his hands away.
“You have to go to class now,” Yoochun mumbled, his hand now stroking across your forehead, brushing the fringe from your eyes soothingly. “I made you breakfast - in thanks for helping me out for this next month.”
You grumbled a nonsensical reply, one in which you probably did not even know what meant, and rolled from the cramped position you were in and onto the floor. You heard Yoochun laughing and it reminded you of that dream again, but you brushed it off because really that meant nothing to you. Just a silly dream about a past you definitely did not recall after moving to another part of the country and away from Eunhyuk and your other soccer buddies.
“No problem. This part of town isn’t the best, I know, but I’d rather you be here and not somewhere else getting swindled and raped.”
His eyes widened tremendously, and you found the image endearing. He was cute, he looked soft, and you just wanted to know what his skin felt like (against yours, under you, writhing, moaning…) But he looked too good for you - a rich kid running away from what was probably some forced marriage or maybe a CEO for some hotshot, bigwig company. You were poor, you had real life problems, and you needed to get to class before you missed another lecture and failed another exam.
You hurriedly ate the small meal he managed to fix with your relatively low stock of food, and readied yourself for another day of much too long lessons and boring professors. At least now you had a reason to come home - Yoochun would be there, right where you left him. You had not known him but for a short night and already you felt much too used to his presence, as if you knew him from somewhere else.
“Oh, Yoochun!” you called out into the dingy apartment, slipping your shoes on near the door, taking note of the new pair accompanying your own.
He peeked his head into the entryway from the adjacent living room, brown locks tousled from sleep and innocent eyes wide. “Yes, Junsu?”
You smiled brightly at him, never having a real friend since you had moved and Jaejoong had left with Yunho, and said, “Take care, okay? And if you go out, call me. My number is on the post-it note on the fridge. Bye.”
You waited for him to nod, a small smile gracing his pink lips and you found yourself being filled with pesky butterflies flittering across your abdomen. You felt like a giddy schoolgirl when he looked at you like that and it was even more of a puzzle as to why you were acting this way.
* * *
A week flew past before you knew it. Days with Yoochun were filled with smiles and laughter - a sound that felt so foreign to your ears ever since you had to grow up long before you should have. But it was alright in his company.
You kissed him for the first time after a tiresome day at work, your mind muddled and the two of you cuddled on the couch with a large quilt covering your bodies because the furnace had given way and there was nothing else to keep you warm. You did not mind the contact, though, his head resting against your thumping heart and one slim arm slung around your waist, your own arm tightening around his petite body.
“Su,” he whispered your nickname as you found yourself nodding off, slumber land calling for you to come back and visit for a while.
“Hmm, Chunnie?” you mumbled groggily as your chin made contact with the top of his head, nuzzling the silky brown locks with your nose and smelling the faint scent of strawberries laced into the tresses.
He pulled away slightly, his body already half in your lap, and he was looking at you with those soulful eyes that told you everything you ever needed to know about him but guarding all the secrets he refused to tell you. You found yourself being pulled in, like a planet to the sun’s gravity (and that was what Yoochun was - sunshine, goodness, purity, light,… love). Before you knew it, both sets of eyes closed and you closed the distance between you and this not-so-strange stranger.
He let his slender hands slip into your own dark locks, unknotting the tangles that you had caused earlier as you stressed over an exam, and he tilted his head to the side to give you more access to those lovely pink lips of his. You felt your heart speed up in your chest and your stomach flop at the feeling of him pressed against you.
“Junsu,” he cooed against your lips, the cover shifting from your bodies, but neither of you minded as your body heat radiated off each other and you both felt warmer than you had in years.
You felt something wet trickle across your cheek, and you just then realized that he was crying. You palmed his cheeks, the salty liquid seeping from those endless pits of warmth that always managed to steal your breath. You kissed him again - slow, sweet, soft (something remotely akin to loving).
He never told you why he was crying, but you knew why without even having to confirm your suspicions. You were afraid, too. Afraid of feeling loved for the very first time since your older brother ran off with his forbidden lover and left you alone in a big world and forced you to take on all responsibilities. Afraid of how Yoochun had slipped into your life and now it was not enough - you needed him, wanted him, were falling in love with him.
It was scary… It was thrilling…
You let the thoughts race through your head, but when you lowered your own swollen lips to his once more all those things disappeared until there was only you and him.
Kim Junsu…
…and Park Yoochun…
* * *
On the second week you met a friend of his. It was not the friend he had been looking for, but one from Seoul that made Yoochun smile widely and laugh brilliantly. You were instantly jealous of him.
“This is Shim Changmin, Su,” he told you, his fingers lacing with the other male’s and you refrained from glaring.
You did not know this newcomer, so you could not make rash decisions. But you knew that you did not like the intimacy between your Yoochun and that Changmin guy. And what surprised you more than the uncalled for jealousy was the fact that you had become possessive over this man who had briskly come into your life on a subway.
Changmin spoke softly, glasses perched across the bridge of his nose, and his hands taking Yoochun’s in his own. “Yoochun, come back to Seoul. Things will be better for you there.”
“I can’t,” was the monotonous reply from your lover, and you wondered what they were speaking about so quietly, secretively.
You left the room, not feeling well all of a sudden, and you were not sure if it was for the fact that you were jealous or the way Yoochun’s voice sounded at that one moment. Even if you only knew him for a little over two weeks, you knew that his voice should always contain that tinkling, magical sound that echoed across empty walls and flew into your heart, embedding deep within the organ’s tissue.
Changmin scrutinized you, that cold glare sweeping over your body before it softened and he released a sigh. Yoochun was shut up in your bedroom and you knew that he must have been upset over what Changmin and he had discussed.
“Take care of him, alright?” Changmin stated, the sound almost defeated and depressed.
When he walked out his eyes glowed a little brighter. But you knew it was from the repressed tears that wanted to break free and slip down the younger man’s handsome face.
* * *
Your dreams were a recurring thing ever since Yoochun stumbled into your life. You dreamt of things that were of no importance but you could not help but to feel wrong. The sounds of promises being made, children, images of soft pink lips on a child’s face, whispered words… The dreams made your head hurt a little bit and you got a sinking feeling in your gut when you woke up, now laying beside the beautiful creature that had been living with you for three weeks.
You let your fingertips trace his jaw line, following the contours of his face, delicate cheekbones. You felt something twist inside you as you let your other arm rest around his small body. He needed to eat more, you let yourself think, mind already working on ways to tie him down and feed the smaller male. You were tired from schoolwork, and were happy for the break that was coming soon. You just hoped that Yoochun would stay for a while longer - he had yet to find that friend, he did not have a reason to leave.
He roused himself from sleep, blinking his eyes until they adjusted to the incandescent lighting and then they sparkled at seeing your face. He snuggled closer, pajama clad body brushing against your own and you never thought of lying with someone in such an innocent way. If another had ever joined you on your bed it was for one reason, but with Yoochun it was different. It was alright to sleep beside him and not do anything else but sleep.
“Good morning,” he breathed, lifting his face ever so slightly to brush his soft lips against your own, and then he pulled away, flustered and adorable.
You smiled, nuzzling his neck with your lips and nose, sending ripples of excitement coasting down his spine, and you murmured against heated skin, “Good morning to you, too, Chunnie.”
“Su,” he moaned breathily as you nipped at the bright red flesh just below his left ear, your other hand brushing against the exposed flesh just above his protruding hipbone.
You smirked against the flushed skin of your lover, your wandering hand slipping beneath his light blue top and stroking the hardening buds that you paid special attention to. Hearing his breathing hitch in his chest, the throaty moans escape his lips only encouraged you further and before you knew it you had his top off and your own following suit.
You leaned above him, letting your lips connect, his teeth gnawing at your bottom lip, and you fingered the small trail of hair from his navel to top of his waistband, all the while eating up his groans of pleasure. He fisted his hands in your hair, leaving little marks along the column of your neck, and he let his knee graze against your groin, an action that had you crying out his name and causing both of you to blush. You had done this before, but you were not so sure if your innocent “Chunnie” had - and you would rather not thinking of the people (Changmin) who might have been able to touch the creamy white skin before you ever dreamt of feeling his body beneath you.
Then your phone rang, startling you both and you fell off the body you had been straddling and paying so much attention to. You heard a giggle from the bed, and you fake pouted up at the smiling Yoochun who ducked his head beneath the covers once his eyes raked over your half-naked form, causing you to chuckle as you glanced at the phone on your nightstand.
Jaejoong. Your older brother.
Your face must have changed because the next thing you knew Yoochun had slipped outside to give you the privacy you probably needed. You clicked your phone open and waited for him to speak.
“Hello, Susu?”
“Hi.”
There was a sigh from your brother. He tried, you knew he did, he just gave up in the end and left you.
“Susu, are we still doing this? You know I love, and I never meant to run away.”
You scoff. “Jae, that was ten years ago. You were sixteen and you were in love.” Even though you might not act it all the time, you loved your brother and you knew that it hurt him to have this estranged relation with you now. The two of you used to be close. “How is Yunho?”
“A pain in my ass.” There was an indignant cry in the background and Jaejoong chuckled. “We’re fine, Susu. How are you? It’s been more than two months now - I’m sorry for that.”
“I think I’m in love,” you whisper, your eyes darting to the bedroom door, just in case Yoochun was there. “I… I cannot explain it.”
“Love doesn’t need to be explained.” There was a slight pause. “Who is she?”
You bit your bottom lip and answered softly, “His name is Yoochun.”
“Oh,” came the intelligent reply. “Have you two…”
“Well, we probably would be right now if someone didn’t have bad timing - as usual,” you mutter darkly, faking your anger with a pout and a glare - as if Jaejoong could really see it.
Your brother had the audacity to laugh. “I’m sorry, Susu. I’ll leave you two alone. Call me back when you have time. I’m thinking about visiting - Yunho and I. I’ve missed you, Susu.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” you mumbled, eyes watering as you thought of your brother, and the bad memories you wanted to erase started coming back and you clicked the phone off, not bothering with a “goodbye” because he had never given you one when he left you.
Yoochun came in some time later to find you curled up in the middle of the bed crying your eyes out. There were no words between the two of you as he held you in his arms and cried silently with you - for reasons you did not know at the time.
When had you fallen in love with this broken angel?
* * *
On the fourth week, you finally finished what you started.
You were leaning above him again, a thin sheet covering your lower bodies as you let your mouth press against his. His fingers drew feather light patterns onto your bare chest, his chest heaving up and down with his thundering heart. He choked on tears when you first entered him, the sight ultimately heartbreaking and beautiful all at once as you took him gently.
You found out later that he had been a virgin - you were his first, and you felt awful for stealing that away from him when you were less than deserving. But he kissed you again, letting his lips linger, and then your lips kept connecting over and over and you needed him more than ever.
“I love you,” he croaked later, his voice giving way from the cries that he had released during your love making. “I love you so much, Susu.”
You brushed back dampened brown locks, letting your eyes meet his and you confessed, “I love you, too, Chunnie. I love you, too.”
When your eyes fell shut, arms unconsciously tightening around the figure beside you, and you shifted into dream land… you finally remembered.
* * *
You awoke the next morning expecting to greet your newly established lover but found the other side of the bed empty… and cold (too cold). You furrowed your brows and frowned, but let the negative thoughts slip away as you thought he might be making breakfast. You slipped on some clothes, not really caring how bad you looked or the fact that you had sex hair, and tiptoed into the kitchen, expecting to surprise the bony boy you fell in love with.
You had known Yoochun from before - from the time when you lived in Seoul and played in parks and had many friends. Yoochun was the little boy with sticky fingers that kissed you on your last day in Seoul. He was the one you promised to see again. But you had forgotten him in the blur of living in unfamiliar places and crying relentlessly because other kids refused to play with you.
“Yoochun! Chun! Chunnie!” Your cries grew desperate near the end, the past leaving you in a blubbering mess and all you needed was him.
He was not in the kitchen. He was not in the bathroom. He was not in the living room… You cried as you searched for him, flipping through your phone to see if you had any messages or missed calls. None. You scrolled through your contact list and tried calling him but he would not pick up.
You finally found his note lying on the coffee table, in neat little letters and it had you bawling just by looking at it. Your teardrops left watery streaks that mingled with the pen’s ink, but still the words were legible and you were happy to have this much.
Dear Junsu,
Hi. I know you’re mad at me for leaving.
I’m sorry… I had to leave no matter how much
I would love to stay. I wanted to be with you longer, but
… I don’t think that can happen. I finally found my friend -
I told him everything I had been wanting to say.
Forgive me, Junsu. I meant what I said, it just hurts to
know that my friend doesn’t remember me anymore…
I had to go back to Seoul.
I love you, I do, and I’ll miss you every day.
Be happy and smile - don’t cry over me…
Much love,
Yoochun
You cried anyway.
* * *
Jaejoong and Yunho arrived that night, finding you watching cheesy dramas with overly emotional endings and your nose and the areas around your eyes were red and irritated. Jaejoong read the letter, a frown covering his face and when he showed it to Yunho, the businessman let his brows furrow and he dialed a few numbers until he got who he needed.
“You’re going to get him back, Kim Junsu,” Jaejoong said, hands on his hips as he watched you sink into your own self pity. “Yunho got Changmin’s number and Changmin gave him the address.”
Yunho sat down beside you, rubbing his temples, and stated, “Changmin was surprised when Yoochun ran away - to come see you. Yoochun’s a business leader, the head of his father’s corporation and when Changmin found out that Yoochun wanted to come find you, he was against it. A lot has changed in ten years. Yoochun told him the day he visited that you forgot him, but he had taken off for one month’s time - he wanted to be with you for that long at least, even if you had no recollection of him.”
“What are you going to do now, Junsu?” Jaejoong asked, patting your back. “The decision is all yours. Yunho and I will help you in any way we can.”
“I’m going to get him back.”
And for once in your life, you were sure that this would turn out okay in the end… It just had to.
* * *
You had been intimidated by the structured that had towered above you. Even though your ego was wounded by seeing how well Yoochun was without you - knowing that you would never be worthy of his love - you still needed to see him. It could have been the last time, but you needed the closure at least. You just wanted to let him know that you remembered him - the tiny fingers, the chubby cheeks, the dimples, that toothy grin and the warm lips against your blushing cheeks.
With your resolve strengthened, you pushed through the doors and met up with Changmin who had been expecting you. He led you through the maze of workers and toward the elevator, not entering with you, but encouraging you with his smile.
“Good luck,” he whispered as the metal doors closed shut and you were left to face this alone.
When the elevator made a resounding ‘ding’ - alerting you as to the fact they were now at their destination - you felt your heart beating faster than it ever had. It was excited to see its other half. You were nervous and breathless and giddy and a jumbled up mess on the inside.
“Yoochun,” you breathed softly as you spotted him at the other side of the desk, scribbling on papers and buried beneath the paperwork. He froze at the sound of his name from your lips and you stalked forward. “You bastard. I love you.”
“Junsu.”
You pulled him up by the lapels of his jacket and kissed him roughly, his response fast and expected as you hungrily met each other’s lips over and over again. When he pulled away, cheeks flushed and eyes half lidded with unadulterated love and lust, you palmed his face once more and kissed his forehead, tears in your eyes.
“I remember you. I remember everything,” you whispered airily, clutching onto his hands as if he would disappear again if you let them go. “I love you, please, don’t leave again. I want you to stay with me.”
And he smiled despite the treks of tears that poured from his light brown eyes. He leaned over the papers again, pulling you in closer by tugging at the hem of your light green shirt, and he kissed you once more - all the love and pain and years of loss leaving his soul and mingling with your own fears and pain.
You loved him. He loved you. It was as simple as that.
“I’m never leaving you again,” he sighed out and that was the last word said before you made love to him again, this time against the desk and for the whole city below to see. You did not care, you had him forever.
You were not scared of falling any more because, now, you had him falling right alongside you.
* * * * * *
Author's Notes: I have no clue as to where this came from. My original intentions were to kill Yoochun... but as you can see, I just wanted a happy ending and I guess that is as it should be. I am quite... frustrated at the moment. I can no longer feel my right arm and my left hand is going numb as I type this author's note. My arms are turning an ashy purple color - I had to go to the doctor about it yesterday because I lost all feeling in my right hand (which was stained an almost black-purple) and I have to get blood work Monday morning. What a way to start a school week... But anyway, I hope that even despite this, everyone understood this silly one shot... I had no point of destination, it just came together all at once. So it probably sucks. Oh, well, I had fun writing it despite the pain in my hands... I guess I need to stop this before they hurt even more. Let me know what you think (as always)
Much love~©