So so so so SO confused!

[sweet_mizery]

I met a guy at my work who I really like. He isn't my type at all. I usually try not to have a type but I can tell you this guy usually isn't what I would go for. He is a little awkward and really REALLY nerdy, but I found it more endearing than off putting. Anyway, I was in a training class for two weeks that he taught. After I left the class I

Comments

[1_2_suckerpunch]

He and his live-in girlfriend broke up "about a week ago"?!!

There ya go...

[sweet_mizery]

Sorry, it was a year ago not a week. LOL! And from what little I know they broke up because she lost her job and started mooching off of him, not trying to look for other work and pretty much using him as a doormat so he made her leave.

[lupinelullaby]

Social anxiety + just got out of a serious relationship? Those two things alone explain his behavior pretty clearly

[sweet_mizery]

I had to go back and edit my post because it was a year ago he lived with this girl, not a week. But, I guess I didn't ask him because he knew I liked him. I made it a little obvious and someone from work also blabbed to him also. He insinuated he was attracted to me but never pursued it. That is why I started chatting with him on facebook and found out about his anxiety. I don't know how severe it is. He never really elaborated and I thought it too personal of a subject to pry. My best friend has really bad anxiety so I can understand where he is coming from. And why I didn't ask him out is because in the past I have had really bad experiences where I make the first move. I didn't know about his anxiety until later and things made a bit more sense. I worry about being insensitive or coming off too pushy or desperate if I ask him out again, and if his anxiety really is that bad that he has a panic attack at the thought of being alone with me, how do I know he won't continue to cancel?

[daninater]

I'm almost positive he's not trying to send you signals he's not interested. I think you should keep approaching him, be unusually patient.

Consider this angle to help explain his behavior. The part of his mind that's designed for fight-or-flight reactions responds to anxiety triggers with such a strong force that it feels immediately better in the moment to shy away from what's causing the fear. In doing that it reinforces the behavior and pushes him away from what he may want in the bigger picture. He's pulling his hand away from the burning candle underneath it, like when he's not messaging you back on Facebook or being hesitant to make advancements. Anxiety feels like you've just been in a car accident, adrenaline, fear, panic, and that's your baseline emotional state everyday. Everything is made more difficult. But your heart can be in a totally different place while this is all going on. Those are two separate things.

[sweet_mizery]

Thanks for the metaphor. That makes more sense to me. I guess it's weird because at work and in the gym he is very friendly and social with me like nothing ever happened between us. I don't know if he is mustering up strength to act ok because he is at work and really he is freaking out or what. I don't really know how bad his anxiety is. He said it was worse when he was young but has improved as an adult but he still has issues with it sometimes.

[diana_molloy]

Honestly at this point be polite friendly like with a coworker but let it be. You've asked a few times and he's not replying.

[katzendame]

I agree with this. Yes, he may have crippling anxiety, but it's not your job to save him or put in ALL the effort that goes into dating someone. If he can't get past whatever is going on for him (if it is indeed anxiety), then maybe this isn't the time for him to get into a relationship and he needs to let this ship sail (and so do you). If he wants to make the next move, he needs to work on his own issues and gather up the nerve to honestly address what's going on. Until then, just be your normal friendly coworker self and leave it at that.