Dealing with partner's "baggage"

[smokeswirls]

I've been exclusively dating for 4 months a guy I'll call Tim. We met online, and because we live in cities three hours apart (despite this, we actually get to see each other quite often), we started getting to know each other through long, almost daily phone conversations. I've never really been a phone person, but with Tim, 3 hour phone

Comments

[distracteddream]

I can understand being a bit wary, especially if he's starting to drop marriage hints so early in. It's good that he's been honest with you about his past, and that you feel comfortable asking how he's approaching this differently.

If you see his problem as rushing into things, maybe it would make you feel more confident in his feelings if you just continue to take things slow. The honeymoon stage can definitely alter your perception, but it doesn't last forever. I think a lot of people wait to take big steps like marriage in order to ensure the way they feel us real, and not just a product of those fuzzy new-ish relationship feelings. If you fear that he rushes in and then bails, taking your time with the relationship might be the best way to see how it all plays out.

And I don't think having two divorces necessarily makes you more likely to have a third. My mother's third marriage to my dad has lasted 25 years. It just depends on the people and the relationship.

[___heyvanity]

It sounds like his baggage is probably going to prevent you from feeling comfortable with moving fast. Are you ok with that? Is that something you want? Do you think you can mask the emotional part of you with the rational part that realizes his baggage?

I know some people really have a desire to "settle down" and marry rather quickly. My sister is one of them. I sure wasn't, so I was the one pushing for extending dating in my relationship. In the end, it was the best decision for me.

Also, HE will have to be ok with that, too. That's something you'll have to communicate. My husband and I took things fast in the beginning as well (said I love you after a few months, etc.) but we still didn't marry for 5+ years. We moved in together after 2 years of dating (age factored into the limitation, though). Looking back, I think it was a ~blessing in disguise.~ I don't know if we would have lasted if we would have moved in together immediately.

[gindaisy]

As long as you're clear that you don't want to rush into anything and he's ok with that, I don't seen any serious red flags in the situation.

[_whatnext]

From the way you've described it here, it kind of sounds like he tends to jump in with both feet and got burned a couple of times. (I bet the exes would have a different take on the story, but whose exes wouldn't?)

As long as you two are traveling at a pace you're both comfortable with, I wouldn't worry too much about it. You're allowed to be the right person for a guy who met a few wrong people first!