Internal Affairs
Title: Internal Affairs
Story Continuity: This Just In
Rating: PG-13 for language
Wordcount: 2,341
Summary: Due to Scarlet Pines University's recent funding of SPN's new cameras and lighting equipment, a group of SPN correspondents, including Eavey, Christian, and Stan, have a group of interns foisted off on them. Also, Helmsley fears an employee has brainwashed him into doing unpleasant things, such as raising his employees' paychecks. Now with even less substance than usual! (Also existent thanks to a Malt Shoppe prompt.)
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, SPTV STUDIOS - TWILIGHT
FROM BLACK:
Several Scarlet Pines newsmen and women are gathered, and there is a COMM SYSTEM which is OFF. Most of the newscasters are in various states of apathy - with the notable exception of Christian, who is attentive; a reedy dork, TERRENCE REED, with a large Adam's apple, who is embroiled in a valiant struggle with whatever game is in his PSP (hint: it is a PORT of CASTLEVANIA 2: SIMON'S QUEST), and Stan, who is staring MOODILY out of a window, where the sun is setting fire to the sky. Also physically present is Helmsley at the head of the table; Eavey, who is reading GEORGE CARLIN'S WHEN WILL JESUS BRING THE PORK CHOPS?; a cultured-looking Hispanic woman, SIMONA RITA; a middle-aged man in a Hawaiian shirt and a LETTERMAN JACKET, EDDIE GOLDTHWAIT; there is also Cameraman Jack Okada and a man in a blue pinstripe suit, ERNEST BRYAR.
HELMSLEY
...And in other news, we've got a spectacular new lighting system and all-new cameras thanks to Scarlet Pines University. I expect thank you notes from your people, Jack.
CAMERAMAN JACK
By all-new, do you mean they were made this year, or in the eighties? Either would be considered new, here.
TERRENCE
(to his PSP)
Why won't you stay still so I can kill you already!
HELMSLEY
(to Jack)
What does it matter? They're not from 1975. Isn't that something to celebrate? Oh, and as a part of our arrangement with SPU, all present are going to take on interns.
TERRENCE
Fuck! What a dumbshit move!
HELMSLEY
Damn it, Terrence, would you put the damn game down and pay attention to me?
TERRENCE
Wasn't talking to the game, there, Helmsley. Is Eavey really in any position to teach anyone anything?
EAVEY
I see your bitch slap and raise you a "Terrence is an immature, middle-aged, classist jag-off."
HELMSLEY
Classist?
TERRENCE
Oh, come on! Like everybody on earth who has played WoW ever hasn't occasionally yelled their fool head off at some distracted druid! Eavey, you stopped playing to boff some guy! We died because of you!
EAVEY
Funny, that, because here you sit today, just as annoying and alive as ever. That was my husband, by the way. He's got leave for some reason that was never fully explained, but I'm not going to question it. I've got a 100% satisfaction guarantee to uphold.
SIMONA
That's disgusting. Where's your pride?
EAVEY
Why, whatever are you talking about? I'm doing my patriotic duty by helping an American soldier out. Besides, you won't hear me complaining.
HELMSLEY
Okay, I'm starting to see the Catch-22 in this. But I already promised Allegra all of you would train her little upstarts. By the by, has anyone seen my zig-zag tie?
TERRENCE
You mean the tie you used to keep your ledger bound together to the fall issue of Boys With Toys?
HELMSLEY
I have no memory of such a thing!
EAVEY
Maybe you were drunk when it happened. That's probably when you raised Terrence and Eddie's paychecks, too.
Helmsley appears horrified.
EAVEY
(CONT'D)
Seriously, why that pair of clown shoes? I've been doing better than them, and I'm terminally biased.
HELMSLEY
Dismissed. I have important businesslike things to do.
NO ONE moves except for Terrence, who leaves. Eavey turns a page as Stan SIGHS.
STAN
I'm missing - I mean, uh, Janet. Janet is missing her fall issue of Boys With Toys. There was this really sexy picture of - Janet tells me-
HELMSLEY
Are you all deaf or just retarded? Leave. Now!
Everyone who isn't Helmsley gets out of the conference room in various states of RUSH. When everyone else is well out of the room, Helmsley opens his filing cabinet, rifles around, and picks up his LEDGER BOOK, a solid black leather affair. Turning it over, there is the FALL ISSUE of BOYS WITH TOYS.
HELMSLEY
Holy Mary, Mother of Gosh. Did I put this here?
FADE TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, SPTV STUDIOS - EARLIER THAT DAY
Helmsley walks into the conference room with BOYS WITH TOYS hidden under a conspicuous trenchcoat. He closes the door, locks it, then lopes across the room and takes off his tie, binding the magazine with his ledger.
HELMSLEY
(to himself)
No one shall suspect my clever ruse!
FADE TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, SPTV STUDIOS - TWILIGHT
Helmsley looks a little sick.
HELMSLEY
Damn. How did he know?
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM A, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Christian walks into the newsroom, and advances towards his desk. He GREETS people as he passes them.
CHRISTIAN
Hey, Janice. How're the kids? Romeo, good to see you! Henri, hey. How are you liking the new cameras?
HENRI
Very well. You're on in ten minutes, after Rita and her intern Carlson finish up their segment and commercial break ends.
CHRISTIAN
Speaking of, where's my intern? Is he - or she - in yet?
HENRI
(pointing towards Christian's desk)
Christian Lawson, meet Aaron Lundy.
AARON LUNDY is dozing off, FEET on DESK. He is wearing an orange BEANIE HAT and an overly large designer jacket, under which is an I WANT TO BELIEVE shirt. Christian walks over to him and shakes him lightly for a bit.
CHRISTIAN
Hey, Aaron? Come on, you've gotta wake up.
AARON
(sleep talking)
No, mommy...don' wanna be a princess...
Christian gives Henri a look that translates into English as "Are you fucking kidding me?" Henri shrugs.
HENRI
When I was a kid and I wouldn't wake up, my dad always used to punch me in the nose.
CHRISTIAN
Right. Well, let's definitely not do that.
HENRI
"A good punch in the nose makes you manfully take life's blows." That's what dad always used to say.
Christian sighs noisily.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE GOLD WOK, MAIN STREET - MORNING
A camera crew are waiting outside the Gold Wok - which has a sign that says "GRAND OPENING!!!" - playing DRUNKEN JENGA on the sidewalk. There is a man in a BLUE BEANIE with a HELLO KITTY PIN on the side and a brown trench coat who is especially bad at it, but appears to be sober. Mostly. Eavey STORMS onto the scene.
EAVEY
Okay, you sad, miserable phonies, I had a massive fight with my land lord about the propriety of locking brats out of apartments as suitable punishment for touching my life size Galadriel cut-out inappropriately. Who here has good news or a death wish?
CAMERAMAN JACK
Your intern sucks at Jenga. Ethan, say hi.
ETHAN
It's a pleasure to finally meet you, ma'am. I've heard so much about you.
EAVEY
Listen here, kiss ass, I don't take kindly to being called ma'am. Makes me sound like a hag. And as thrilling as watching you klutzes fail at being dexterous is, when is this place opening?
CAMERAMAN JACK
About an hour. Guy said he'd be a little late, though.
EAVEY
Damn it all! I knew I shouldn't have let Ivan take the DS!
ETHAN
Who's Ivan?
CAMERAMAN JACK
(smiling)
Her son.
EAVEY
He's my nephew, thanks much, and not one of you will let me live it down, will you? Nephew, not son. If he was the best my DNA could do, I'd cut myself. I'm only taking care of him until my sister gets out of jail and proves herself a fit mother.
CAMERAMAN JACK
Which is 20 years from now. At least.
EAVEY
10 if she's good, Mr. Know-It-All.
CAMERAMAN JACK
But Ivan will be old enough to drink either way.
A LATINO cameraman pulls a block out of the Jenga tower and the whole thing comes toppling down. He giggles.
EAVEY
Tools all. I work with a bunch of tools, and I can't even tell them, or they'll shoot me at an awkward angle that'll make me look like granny-zilla.
ETHAN
Surely, a woman as beautiful as you doesn't have a bad angle.
Eavey stares at Ethan like he's a tiny parasite, then SMILES.
EAVEY
Maybe you have some uses after all.
CUT TO:
INT. TECHNICIANS' WORK ROOM, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Eddie Goldthwait is leaning over a BORED TECHIE excitedly. A beautiful tan-skinned woman, ESTELLE AROUET, approaches from behind.
EDDIE
Yes, exactly! Sports are exciting! We need more exploding footballs, more flashy colors!
ESTELLE
Are you Eddie Goldthwait?
EDDIE
Huh?
Eddie turns around, and you can almost see him fall in love a little.
EDDIE
Yeah, that's me! MVP of SPN. And you are...?
ESTELLE
My name is Estelle. Your intern.
EDDIE
Huh, Estelle. Have we met? You look kinda...
ESTELLE
(to bored techie)
What are you doing?
BORED TECHIE
Eddie wants me to spruce up the opener to his Out of Bounds segments. Says they're boring.
ESTELLE
Oh? I've seen them. They're a little too spruced up already.
EDDIE
How can you say that, woman? They don't capture the glee of cricket, the rush of soccer, the explosive energy of football-
ESTELLE
I remember you. It's a good thing that you're a sportscaster and not the anchorman. You compared cricket to the war of terror. It felt about as natural as Clay Aiken's attempts at heterosexuality. When Mr. Lawson was hired in your place, choirs of angels sang, God was in His heaven, cricket stayed on its side of the Atlantic, and for a time, all was right with the world. But you make a great sports pundit, sir.
EDDIE
Hey, I remember you now! Aren't you-
ESTELLE
Yes. I am she.
BORED TECHIE
So can I blow up this football or what? Because the part of me that wanted to set off fireworks in the gymnasium in high school is kind of impatient, here.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM B, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Helmsley is off to the side by the green screen where the weather will be broadcast soon-ish. TERRENCE, being the weatherman, is also there. So is LANETTE, his young, pixie-like intern.
HELMSLEY
How did you know?
Terrence is fiddling with his jacket, which is of the style that went out in the 70's.
TERRENCE
Know what?
HELMSLEY
You know what I'm talking about! About my ledger and that magazine? I didn't even know about it until...
(to Lanette)
Can you go away for a moment? The adults are talking.
LANETTE
I'm 20.
HELMSLEY
Wonderful. Why don't you go do some investigative journalism up your ass while your head is still that far up there.
LANETTE
Mister Helmsley, you know what sexual harassment is?
HELMSLEY
Miss Stevens, do you know what insubordination is?
Lanette stalks OFF SCREEN.
HELMSLEY
Do you know what I think, Terrence? I think someone brainwashed me into doing that. Because I could never touch that rag any other way, and there is no way I would ever give a glorified pointer like you a raise. I think that brainwasher is you.
TERRENCE
Interesting theory. How are you going to prove it?
HELMSLEY
There's a note in the back of Boys With Toys, assigning the skin mag to Stan. The only person who's ever close enough to Stan to get something like - this - away from the safety of his desk or his lock box is you. Or Christian, but he seems to be oblivious to Stan's existence.
TERRENCE
I'll deny it to my dying day. Oh, and, uh...
(leaning in close, whispering)
Show us your stamp collection, son.
Helmsley's eyes go BLANK.
TERRENCE
Now go approve my two-week, all expenses paid vacation to Rio. There's a good zombie.
Helmsley walks away stiffly. Lanette comes back.
LANETTE
What did he want?
TERRENCE
Me and my beautiful soul. Alas, I have not a mote of love for him.
LANETTE
You're a terrible liar, Terrence Reed.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM A, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Stan is rifling through his desk.
STAN
No! Be here! Be here! Or at least be far away from a big stack of firing forms!
HELMSLEY
(O.S.)
Uh...Stanley?
STAN
Eek!
Stan sits up quickly, and his chair FALLS as a result. Helmsley advances.
STAN
Helmsley! What could you possibly want with me, who is 100% innocent of the charges of perving out at work and drinking Irish coffee on the job? Perhaps you're looking for Eavey!
HELMSLEY
(sighing)
And perhaps you're looking for this?
Helmsley holds out Boys With Toys. Stan laughs nervously.
STAN
I can...probably explain.
HELMSLEY
Don't bother. I feel like I'm living in someone else's head lately, Stan. It's not right. So you better answer this truthfully, and don't you dare laugh, because if you lie...is there anything that could induce brainwashing around here?
STAN
Helmsley, we're a state-run news network. Brainwashing is our job. And then there's Christian's...um. Well. Yes. Oh, and I almost forgot Estelle Arouet's special blend.
HELMSLEY
Who the hell is Estelle?
STAN
Your ex-administrative assistant. Funny thing, she's Eddie's intern now. You fired her three weeks ago for making a really bad cup of coffee. There might have been uncrushed grounds involved.
(beat)
Huh. Maybe she slipped you some datura blend.
HELMSLEY
Stanley Moore, what the hell are you gibbering about?
STAN
You're a sleeper zombie, Helmsley. She put a variation on Haitian zombie powder in your coffee. There's always a phrase that triggers the obedience...
HELMSLEY
Well, how do I get rid of it?
STAN
You don't. There's no cure, but it wears off. Ask Simona Rita, she knows from experience. Estelle had her rig her own '06 Ferrari horn to randomly play "La Cucaracha." It's still rigged like that, wherever it is she pawned it off at. But that was years ago.
(gleefully)
Show us your stamp collection, son!
Helmsley's eyes go blank.
STAN
Oh, this is great! Forget about the Boys With Toys magazine, and, uh...buy me some chocolate! Give me $300! Dance, puppet, dance!
Helmsley sways and makes JERKY MOTIONS with his hips and arms. Stan smiles so wide it's a wonder his face doesn't split.
STAN
Wow, no one's ever just listened to me like that!
FADE TO:
BLACK.
END.
Story Continuity: This Just In
Rating: PG-13 for language
Wordcount: 2,341
Summary: Due to Scarlet Pines University's recent funding of SPN's new cameras and lighting equipment, a group of SPN correspondents, including Eavey, Christian, and Stan, have a group of interns foisted off on them. Also, Helmsley fears an employee has brainwashed him into doing unpleasant things, such as raising his employees' paychecks. Now with even less substance than usual! (Also existent thanks to a Malt Shoppe prompt.)
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, SPTV STUDIOS - TWILIGHT
FROM BLACK:
Several Scarlet Pines newsmen and women are gathered, and there is a COMM SYSTEM which is OFF. Most of the newscasters are in various states of apathy - with the notable exception of Christian, who is attentive; a reedy dork, TERRENCE REED, with a large Adam's apple, who is embroiled in a valiant struggle with whatever game is in his PSP (hint: it is a PORT of CASTLEVANIA 2: SIMON'S QUEST), and Stan, who is staring MOODILY out of a window, where the sun is setting fire to the sky. Also physically present is Helmsley at the head of the table; Eavey, who is reading GEORGE CARLIN'S WHEN WILL JESUS BRING THE PORK CHOPS?; a cultured-looking Hispanic woman, SIMONA RITA; a middle-aged man in a Hawaiian shirt and a LETTERMAN JACKET, EDDIE GOLDTHWAIT; there is also Cameraman Jack Okada and a man in a blue pinstripe suit, ERNEST BRYAR.
HELMSLEY
...And in other news, we've got a spectacular new lighting system and all-new cameras thanks to Scarlet Pines University. I expect thank you notes from your people, Jack.
CAMERAMAN JACK
By all-new, do you mean they were made this year, or in the eighties? Either would be considered new, here.
TERRENCE
(to his PSP)
Why won't you stay still so I can kill you already!
HELMSLEY
(to Jack)
What does it matter? They're not from 1975. Isn't that something to celebrate? Oh, and as a part of our arrangement with SPU, all present are going to take on interns.
TERRENCE
Fuck! What a dumbshit move!
HELMSLEY
Damn it, Terrence, would you put the damn game down and pay attention to me?
TERRENCE
Wasn't talking to the game, there, Helmsley. Is Eavey really in any position to teach anyone anything?
EAVEY
I see your bitch slap and raise you a "Terrence is an immature, middle-aged, classist jag-off."
HELMSLEY
Classist?
TERRENCE
Oh, come on! Like everybody on earth who has played WoW ever hasn't occasionally yelled their fool head off at some distracted druid! Eavey, you stopped playing to boff some guy! We died because of you!
EAVEY
Funny, that, because here you sit today, just as annoying and alive as ever. That was my husband, by the way. He's got leave for some reason that was never fully explained, but I'm not going to question it. I've got a 100% satisfaction guarantee to uphold.
SIMONA
That's disgusting. Where's your pride?
EAVEY
Why, whatever are you talking about? I'm doing my patriotic duty by helping an American soldier out. Besides, you won't hear me complaining.
HELMSLEY
Okay, I'm starting to see the Catch-22 in this. But I already promised Allegra all of you would train her little upstarts. By the by, has anyone seen my zig-zag tie?
TERRENCE
You mean the tie you used to keep your ledger bound together to the fall issue of Boys With Toys?
HELMSLEY
I have no memory of such a thing!
EAVEY
Maybe you were drunk when it happened. That's probably when you raised Terrence and Eddie's paychecks, too.
Helmsley appears horrified.
EAVEY
(CONT'D)
Seriously, why that pair of clown shoes? I've been doing better than them, and I'm terminally biased.
HELMSLEY
Dismissed. I have important businesslike things to do.
NO ONE moves except for Terrence, who leaves. Eavey turns a page as Stan SIGHS.
STAN
I'm missing - I mean, uh, Janet. Janet is missing her fall issue of Boys With Toys. There was this really sexy picture of - Janet tells me-
HELMSLEY
Are you all deaf or just retarded? Leave. Now!
Everyone who isn't Helmsley gets out of the conference room in various states of RUSH. When everyone else is well out of the room, Helmsley opens his filing cabinet, rifles around, and picks up his LEDGER BOOK, a solid black leather affair. Turning it over, there is the FALL ISSUE of BOYS WITH TOYS.
HELMSLEY
Holy Mary, Mother of Gosh. Did I put this here?
FADE TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, SPTV STUDIOS - EARLIER THAT DAY
Helmsley walks into the conference room with BOYS WITH TOYS hidden under a conspicuous trenchcoat. He closes the door, locks it, then lopes across the room and takes off his tie, binding the magazine with his ledger.
HELMSLEY
(to himself)
No one shall suspect my clever ruse!
FADE TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM, SPTV STUDIOS - TWILIGHT
Helmsley looks a little sick.
HELMSLEY
Damn. How did he know?
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM A, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Christian walks into the newsroom, and advances towards his desk. He GREETS people as he passes them.
CHRISTIAN
Hey, Janice. How're the kids? Romeo, good to see you! Henri, hey. How are you liking the new cameras?
HENRI
Very well. You're on in ten minutes, after Rita and her intern Carlson finish up their segment and commercial break ends.
CHRISTIAN
Speaking of, where's my intern? Is he - or she - in yet?
HENRI
(pointing towards Christian's desk)
Christian Lawson, meet Aaron Lundy.
AARON LUNDY is dozing off, FEET on DESK. He is wearing an orange BEANIE HAT and an overly large designer jacket, under which is an I WANT TO BELIEVE shirt. Christian walks over to him and shakes him lightly for a bit.
CHRISTIAN
Hey, Aaron? Come on, you've gotta wake up.
AARON
(sleep talking)
No, mommy...don' wanna be a princess...
Christian gives Henri a look that translates into English as "Are you fucking kidding me?" Henri shrugs.
HENRI
When I was a kid and I wouldn't wake up, my dad always used to punch me in the nose.
CHRISTIAN
Right. Well, let's definitely not do that.
HENRI
"A good punch in the nose makes you manfully take life's blows." That's what dad always used to say.
Christian sighs noisily.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE THE GOLD WOK, MAIN STREET - MORNING
A camera crew are waiting outside the Gold Wok - which has a sign that says "GRAND OPENING!!!" - playing DRUNKEN JENGA on the sidewalk. There is a man in a BLUE BEANIE with a HELLO KITTY PIN on the side and a brown trench coat who is especially bad at it, but appears to be sober. Mostly. Eavey STORMS onto the scene.
EAVEY
Okay, you sad, miserable phonies, I had a massive fight with my land lord about the propriety of locking brats out of apartments as suitable punishment for touching my life size Galadriel cut-out inappropriately. Who here has good news or a death wish?
CAMERAMAN JACK
Your intern sucks at Jenga. Ethan, say hi.
ETHAN
It's a pleasure to finally meet you, ma'am. I've heard so much about you.
EAVEY
Listen here, kiss ass, I don't take kindly to being called ma'am. Makes me sound like a hag. And as thrilling as watching you klutzes fail at being dexterous is, when is this place opening?
CAMERAMAN JACK
About an hour. Guy said he'd be a little late, though.
EAVEY
Damn it all! I knew I shouldn't have let Ivan take the DS!
ETHAN
Who's Ivan?
CAMERAMAN JACK
(smiling)
Her son.
EAVEY
He's my nephew, thanks much, and not one of you will let me live it down, will you? Nephew, not son. If he was the best my DNA could do, I'd cut myself. I'm only taking care of him until my sister gets out of jail and proves herself a fit mother.
CAMERAMAN JACK
Which is 20 years from now. At least.
EAVEY
10 if she's good, Mr. Know-It-All.
CAMERAMAN JACK
But Ivan will be old enough to drink either way.
A LATINO cameraman pulls a block out of the Jenga tower and the whole thing comes toppling down. He giggles.
EAVEY
Tools all. I work with a bunch of tools, and I can't even tell them, or they'll shoot me at an awkward angle that'll make me look like granny-zilla.
ETHAN
Surely, a woman as beautiful as you doesn't have a bad angle.
Eavey stares at Ethan like he's a tiny parasite, then SMILES.
EAVEY
Maybe you have some uses after all.
CUT TO:
INT. TECHNICIANS' WORK ROOM, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Eddie Goldthwait is leaning over a BORED TECHIE excitedly. A beautiful tan-skinned woman, ESTELLE AROUET, approaches from behind.
EDDIE
Yes, exactly! Sports are exciting! We need more exploding footballs, more flashy colors!
ESTELLE
Are you Eddie Goldthwait?
EDDIE
Huh?
Eddie turns around, and you can almost see him fall in love a little.
EDDIE
Yeah, that's me! MVP of SPN. And you are...?
ESTELLE
My name is Estelle. Your intern.
EDDIE
Huh, Estelle. Have we met? You look kinda...
ESTELLE
(to bored techie)
What are you doing?
BORED TECHIE
Eddie wants me to spruce up the opener to his Out of Bounds segments. Says they're boring.
ESTELLE
Oh? I've seen them. They're a little too spruced up already.
EDDIE
How can you say that, woman? They don't capture the glee of cricket, the rush of soccer, the explosive energy of football-
ESTELLE
I remember you. It's a good thing that you're a sportscaster and not the anchorman. You compared cricket to the war of terror. It felt about as natural as Clay Aiken's attempts at heterosexuality. When Mr. Lawson was hired in your place, choirs of angels sang, God was in His heaven, cricket stayed on its side of the Atlantic, and for a time, all was right with the world. But you make a great sports pundit, sir.
EDDIE
Hey, I remember you now! Aren't you-
ESTELLE
Yes. I am she.
BORED TECHIE
So can I blow up this football or what? Because the part of me that wanted to set off fireworks in the gymnasium in high school is kind of impatient, here.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM B, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Helmsley is off to the side by the green screen where the weather will be broadcast soon-ish. TERRENCE, being the weatherman, is also there. So is LANETTE, his young, pixie-like intern.
HELMSLEY
How did you know?
Terrence is fiddling with his jacket, which is of the style that went out in the 70's.
TERRENCE
Know what?
HELMSLEY
You know what I'm talking about! About my ledger and that magazine? I didn't even know about it until...
(to Lanette)
Can you go away for a moment? The adults are talking.
LANETTE
I'm 20.
HELMSLEY
Wonderful. Why don't you go do some investigative journalism up your ass while your head is still that far up there.
LANETTE
Mister Helmsley, you know what sexual harassment is?
HELMSLEY
Miss Stevens, do you know what insubordination is?
Lanette stalks OFF SCREEN.
HELMSLEY
Do you know what I think, Terrence? I think someone brainwashed me into doing that. Because I could never touch that rag any other way, and there is no way I would ever give a glorified pointer like you a raise. I think that brainwasher is you.
TERRENCE
Interesting theory. How are you going to prove it?
HELMSLEY
There's a note in the back of Boys With Toys, assigning the skin mag to Stan. The only person who's ever close enough to Stan to get something like - this - away from the safety of his desk or his lock box is you. Or Christian, but he seems to be oblivious to Stan's existence.
TERRENCE
I'll deny it to my dying day. Oh, and, uh...
(leaning in close, whispering)
Show us your stamp collection, son.
Helmsley's eyes go BLANK.
TERRENCE
Now go approve my two-week, all expenses paid vacation to Rio. There's a good zombie.
Helmsley walks away stiffly. Lanette comes back.
LANETTE
What did he want?
TERRENCE
Me and my beautiful soul. Alas, I have not a mote of love for him.
LANETTE
You're a terrible liar, Terrence Reed.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWSROOM A, SPN STUDIOS - MORNING
Stan is rifling through his desk.
STAN
No! Be here! Be here! Or at least be far away from a big stack of firing forms!
HELMSLEY
(O.S.)
Uh...Stanley?
STAN
Eek!
Stan sits up quickly, and his chair FALLS as a result. Helmsley advances.
STAN
Helmsley! What could you possibly want with me, who is 100% innocent of the charges of perving out at work and drinking Irish coffee on the job? Perhaps you're looking for Eavey!
HELMSLEY
(sighing)
And perhaps you're looking for this?
Helmsley holds out Boys With Toys. Stan laughs nervously.
STAN
I can...probably explain.
HELMSLEY
Don't bother. I feel like I'm living in someone else's head lately, Stan. It's not right. So you better answer this truthfully, and don't you dare laugh, because if you lie...is there anything that could induce brainwashing around here?
STAN
Helmsley, we're a state-run news network. Brainwashing is our job. And then there's Christian's...um. Well. Yes. Oh, and I almost forgot Estelle Arouet's special blend.
HELMSLEY
Who the hell is Estelle?
STAN
Your ex-administrative assistant. Funny thing, she's Eddie's intern now. You fired her three weeks ago for making a really bad cup of coffee. There might have been uncrushed grounds involved.
(beat)
Huh. Maybe she slipped you some datura blend.
HELMSLEY
Stanley Moore, what the hell are you gibbering about?
STAN
You're a sleeper zombie, Helmsley. She put a variation on Haitian zombie powder in your coffee. There's always a phrase that triggers the obedience...
HELMSLEY
Well, how do I get rid of it?
STAN
You don't. There's no cure, but it wears off. Ask Simona Rita, she knows from experience. Estelle had her rig her own '06 Ferrari horn to randomly play "La Cucaracha." It's still rigged like that, wherever it is she pawned it off at. But that was years ago.
(gleefully)
Show us your stamp collection, son!
Helmsley's eyes go blank.
STAN
Oh, this is great! Forget about the Boys With Toys magazine, and, uh...buy me some chocolate! Give me $300! Dance, puppet, dance!
Helmsley sways and makes JERKY MOTIONS with his hips and arms. Stan smiles so wide it's a wonder his face doesn't split.
STAN
Wow, no one's ever just listened to me like that!
FADE TO:
BLACK.
END.