For Alexandra, Come What May
The way the vandalized streetlamp's light shone on the snow made it seem like stars were falling from the sky rather than crystallized snow. This was enough to lessen the pain of Nagisa's gauze-wrapped wrist for maybe half a minute. Then, the cold settled back terribly in the reset bone like an old friend. Everything was bitter cold in December, which appeared quite apt, as the shoppers became quite coldly single-minded. Nagisa paid no attention to Christmas in Japan, only getting a present for what friends she had at the time - usually Fuma, whatever girl or boy was calling themselves his lover at the time, and Marina Fujibayashi, who was less a friend and more a fallen but still unattainable star. Marina was in Neyagawa, so logically, there should have been Fuma, for whom she had bought a novel by a man named Jasper Fforde that had been highly praised by a clerk at Barnes and Noble ($13.98), and his pet sex machine of four months (boyfriend?), Tom Brand, for whom she had bought a CD by the Jesus and Mary Chain whose title she couldn't remember (on sale for $7.38 at a thrift shop). She also bought presents for Mrs. and Mr. Endo, who had offered her their roof, even if it had come at a price. For Shunichi, she bought Spaceballs, which he had seemed to enjoy when it aired on TCM ($7.99 at Best Buy). For Arisa, she bought Joshua Bell's "The Red Violin," whose excellent composition and beautiful playing Arisa would definitely love ($2.78 on Amazon). Logically, as she would acknowledge no more friends and no more friends would have her, that should have been it.
Should have. Would have, too, if she hadn't seen something so perfect.
She had been browsing in a store - just a store, as far as she was concerned, worthy of no name - when she'd seen them. They were fine things, expensive and beautiful and glimmering attractively in the dim lighting. One was a dragon, serpentine in appearance with a cunning glint in its opal eyes and S-shaped. It was $330.49; expensive for most people, people who didn't have lucrative record contracts and high-selling albums. Next to it, as if a sign, was a tiny, alert crystal rabbit with pretty red zirconia eyes, only $73.24.
"We're as unalike as the dragon and the rabbit," Nagisa had said to Alex a month and a half ago, when they had dined at the Golden Bowl. They had been talking about Chinese zodiac signs, and themselves. Alex had said that they were very similar before that, as Alex and Miharu had been - as they'd always been, she'd phrased it. Nagisa herself was not a rabbit, and she didn't know if Alex was a dragon, but Alex agreed that perhaps Nagisa was right, and had smiled almost sadly, and it was then that Alexandra had told her that she would try and see Nagisa for herself, rather than a shadow of a past girlfriend. The past girlfriend. Considering she hadn't been around for a month except when battles broke out, Nagisa assumed that she had found her answer. And...it hurt. A lot more than Nagisa had thought it would. Which was why Nagisa even thought about buying the dragon and rabbit. But then a fat young man in a homemade Captain Picard shirt had bought the dragon immediately afterward. Without the dragon, the rabbit seemed like a pointless gesture. She bought it, anyway, for herself.
The Christmas card in her mind, which read, "Sometimes, fate can bring together even dragons and rabbits in love - KN," was ripped apart, then glued together when she realized the rabbit just might be enough. In a way, it would be like giving herself away to Alex, wouldn't it? But what if the silence and avoidance meant Alex very much didn't want that?
So annoying, this sudden doubt. If Alex thought she'd seen the last of Nagisa, then Nagisa would have to make sure she didn't see the last of Alexandra.
She'd found another dragon, just as beautiful but about a hundred and thirty dollars cheaper, this time in a box, and as soon as she'd picked up the box - it was the last one - a man in a business suit had tried to take it from her. When she'd held her ground, he'd broken her wrist and stared gloatingly at her, huffing, before marching up to the counter and having it rang up. She'd left then without getting the rabbit, instead focusing on getting to the emergency room and still keeping her purchases. Later, she bought a 7 gigabyte MP3 player and filled it with songs that reminded her of Alex. It proved a challenging task. Alex was unique in ways Nagisa wasn't able to dream of. She didn't near fill it - she couldn't - but she was sure Alexandra would hate it. It was filled with modern songs - including Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch," which the booklet that Nagisa made specifically for the MP3 player was included because "it sounds like something you would sing." She found a song that fit surprisingly well for her own feelings in, of all things, a "stoner rock" song from 2002. And of course, she'd also loaded Bizet's "Habanera," which fit "for obvious reasons," and a rendition of John Lennon's "Love" with "All You Need is Love" tagged on to the end of it, played tenderly on her own piano forte and recorded at home ("I was in a maudlin, soppy mood, and these songs are good for those moods - the point was to give you something I made specifically for you"). She'd managed to include some classical music, too, in case Alex was like most people over seventy and detested rock. You could probably never tell with immortals. It was a strange way to declare her feelings, but when she'd told Fuma, he'd laughed at her and kissed her head, and said she was so cute in a way which was at once approving and slightly condescending, so she imagined she wasn't being too silly. Maybe a little, but she wasn't turning into Kitty "Ay papi, do you love your mama?" Eyre, thank god.
She'd made the card herself - a dragon resting beside a rabbit, drawn in charcoal and painted in watercolors. She'd gone so far as to preserve the picture so the image would last. It read exactly as she'd planned it in the store. She hoped she wasn't pushing her luck, that the price of her wrist would be for something. And she still couldn't keep thinking of that song, the stoner rock one. The song melted into her brain, and had made a nuisance of itself since earlier in the morning, when she thought through what she might say to Alex, or if the present would be enough. Should she drop it off, or linger? Should she kiss her? Where would be acceptable? Immediately, Nagisa thought of the smooth, unmarked white back of Alex's hand.
Oh, what you do to me, indeed, she thought. No one knows.
The sound of shoes on snow was getting louder. Nagisa hadn't noticed - and then it stopped. She heard an intake of breath, then: "Nagisa?"
"Oh," Nagisa said, standing. She brushed some snow off of her coat, then wished she was wearing gloves. She smiled, and hoped it didn't look as painful as it felt. "Hello, Alexandra. Jillian." She bowed her head slightly in greeting, and Jillian, she noticed, stood awkwardly at Alex's side. "I'm...sorry. For coming now, at such an inopportune time. But tomorrow is Christmas Eve, you know."
"Nagisa, what happened to your hand?!" Alexandra said, leaving Jillian behind to gently grasp the gauzed hand and look at it. Nagisa's smile dimmed slightly, but it became more sincere as it turned rueful. She said, "Wrist, not hand. A middle-aged man in a suit broke it. We both wanted the same overpriced dragon. Really, I should have thought of getting you this present before I thought of our conversation at the Golden Bowl. This one was much cheaper, and no one broke any of my bones trying to get it. But I'm not sure if you'll like it."
"God, this is my fault?" Alex said, looking pained. "I should have called you sooner."
"There wasn't..." Nagisa began, then paused. Shook her head. Brushed a snowflake off her eyelashes. "Really, it's fine now. See this?" Nagisa took an exaggerated breath, then puffed it out slowly. It clouded. "Hot breath. It means I'm still alive. I'm not dead. You can still call me whenever you want." Nagisa's dark eyes glinted happily as she lifted her undamaged hand and proffered a box towards Alex. "This is the hand you'll want to be looking at."
Alex looked at it, confused for a moment, then glowed. "Oh? Tribute. I love it when people pay me tribute. Fortunately, it happens often enough." A slow, slinky smile tinged with wistfulness splayed across Alex's face. "Of course...it's seldom this innocent."
"Innocent?" Nagisa said, eyes wide and curious. "I bought you a vibrator."
Alex actually choked on her spit, and Jillian looked mightily unimpressed and vaguely slighted. Nagisa only giggled. "Mou," she said, "No need to think I was serious, Alexandra. It's just an MP3 player. I'm sorry, but I already opened it. It's nowhere near as classy as a crystal heart, but on the other hand, it's not even close to as tasteless as the vibrator which plays "O Come, All Ye Faithful" Fuma claims he bought me."
Alex smiled, warm and hopeful. "Would you like to come up?"
"Alexandra!" Jillian hissed. Alex turned to Jillian, and said, "Sorry, Jill. I know I said I wouldn't pick up any girls, but, well...we're already home, aren't we? Go home. It's a perfect night to read Corinthians, if you choose."
Jill stormed carefully towards an apartment building opposite Alex's. Nagisa looked at Alex. Her blonde hair was getting too long to be called a boy-cut, but was fashioned in an emo boy's style. Her eyes were the same gorgeous dark blue, but they seemed less cold even now, in the chill of a December night. Her cheeks were flushed, and her lips were quirked in a small grin. "So...you're here. Thank you. For the gift."
"I want you to open it while I'm here," Nagisa said, offering her undamaged right hand. Alex's grin grew warmer as she curled her fingers around the hand, marveling that, although they were cold to the touch, they sparked something pleasant and warm a little deeper. "Yeah. Okay."
Alex didn't let go of Nagisa's hand, even when she was opening the door to her apartment. The look in her eyes said that she couldn't believe what fine luck she had, and Nagisa's eyes mirrored her own, quietly and contentedly. When Alex and Nagisa were ensconced on the couch, huddled together, Alex listening to the first song that popped up on the MP3 player, Poe's "5 1/2 Minute Hallway" ("It always seems like we're getting farther apart lately, even when I reach out to you - sometimes I wonder if I'll ever reach you, like a dog chasing its tail or a moth who longs to be close to the sun") Nagisa sang a little under her breath and in her mind, and the words were everywhere and almost nowhere all at the same time: "Heaven smiles above me - what a gift there below...But no one kno-ows. A gift that you give to me; no one knows."