Breathing (Rose/Doctor Oneshot)
Title: Breathing
Genre: Dark angst
Rating: PG
Couple: Rose/Doctor
Summary: He always told her she would wither and die, and he would live on alone. He promised her she could live with him her whole life. She never thought not to believe him. Not your usual angst fic.
Disclaimer: Eh. Wish I owned DW. Really.
AN: One of those random one-line inspirations. Doomsday/AoG are utterly ignored. Its a bit of a duo-POV experiment thing, too. I've done one fic before with a similar POV, but it was to a different fandom.
--
Breathing
One day, a long time ago, so long ago, he told me I could spend my whole life with him. I believed him. He lied.
Red-rimmed eyes stared out across the horizon, unseeing, uncaring. Chill wind blew locks of hair wildly across a silent, blank expression. Only the faint whisper of tears staining cheeks betrayed the churning emotions lingering just under the surface.
Once, a long time ago, I swore to give him every moment of my life. If it was all I could give him, then that was what I would give. It was nothing. My life is a hearts beat for him. But I pretended that was enough, pretended if he and I ignored the future, it would be okay, and we could be happy. I was such a fool.
She didn't want to move. Didn't want to go 'home' without him. She wanted to stay right where he had been last, because if she moved from that spot, it would mean accepting he was gone. Really gone. And he couldn't really be gone. So she stood in silence. Staring up into the grey sky above her. Staring into the empty, twisted smile of the universe. Staring into nothingness.
One time, so long ago, he'd spoken softly of words like 'love' and some things that sounded almost like 'forever'. He looked so sincere in the dark, I never thought to question him. I never suspected how cruel and dishonest he really was...not to me. Never to me. I was such a child.
Feet plodded across empty terrain without any command from her. Every step widened the gaping hole that might have once been her soul. Tears never fell, nor even truly threatened to. Tears were a silly nonexistant idea for silly living people. Tears were something to shed, to lose to the wind, to bleed away your pain. She was nothing, and she had nothing. She could never cry.
Once before he told me he could cheat death, become another person and stay the same. He told me it was his curse, a punishment for crimes I could never begin to comprehend. He never told me they could be cleansed.
Eyes watched the ceiling void of interest as she fell without enthusiasm into the chair behind her. Fabric bunched in her hands as she brought the heavy bundle up to her face to breathe in the deep spicy scent of too much Jasmine cologne. As a muted scream escaped her lips, still no tears fell, no dry sobs shook her shoulders. What was grief and mourning to the abysmal nothingness that she had become. No, not become. She had lost all that she was, if you could call her anything, she was the embodiment of nihility.
Occassionally, she would tell me I would lose myself. That he would burn away all that I was and make me him. She never told me that I would want him to. That I would need him to take away all of everything but him. She never told me how much it would hurt when he was gone.
So long. It had been so long. It was little more than a breathspace. He had changed so much in that time, and so had she. Fifty years with no one but each other would do that to anyone, human or alien.
Silence. Had it been silent all this time, since he had vanished from her desperate grip? She did not see a reason to fill the empty air around her, and even if she had, what could she fill it with in the abscence of his voice?
No. Silence was perfection. The universe would never utter another sound. Not ever again.
The first time he told me they were gone, I should have seen. No matter how many times he would laugh at danger and shrug away death, I should have known it could never last. Because all good things die, and all cold things have to live on forever. He just never realized which he really was.
She stood once more, turning over the vividly colored candy box. He had always had a penchant for sweets and candies. Once he had an obsession with banana-toffee bars. This time it was gum drops. She had never been one for children's candy, but for him she had eaten every last one with a smile that could well substitute for a dwarf star.
The box was beaten and crushed, the yellow pain wearing off and the thin cardboard fraying into white ruffles along edges and corners. It had lines like wrinkles running along its length, and the top no longer closed quite properly. The candy within was cool and undamaged--if a bit clumped together at parts. She decided, as she placed a red sweet on her tongue, that they were not so bad after all.
Periodically he would remind me that I would age and die, wrinkle up and shrivel into nothingness, and there would be nothing he could do to stop it. I never stopped to think about the fact that I never really did. How could I? I thought I knew he would never lie to me. I thought so many things. But if he had ever truly let me know, then perhaps I would never have cherished every second that I had.
Eyes expressing no emotion stared down at the neatly folded clothes arrayed before her. Numbness was such an inadequet expression of what she felt, and yet...there were no words that could describe it any better. Void. Empty. Oblivion. Cold. Numb. Alone.
Alone. What a silly, pointless word. So many people and things used that word in so many languages, over so many things. Not one of them understood the meaning of the word. No one had hope of truly grasping the word, and he would have preferred it that way.
Often, just after she died, I would look to him as that one constant I could always cling to. Even when he changed, Once, Twice, he was still in some little way the same. I thought it would go on forever...us becoming closer through every adventure, and him changing when we would reach a dead-end. He never told me even his forever could run out.
Her palm still felt warm where she had last held him. Her chest still burned with something indescribable, since she had watched his soft red-gold locks vanish into golden nothingness, and been unable to do anything to stop him.
The metallic substance beneath her hands felt hot, pulsing with the grief she wished she could feel. All of time and all of space was open to her, and yet there was nowhere in this universe or any other that she could hide within. Nowhere to go and nothing to stay for.
Never did he tell me about his past. About anything before we first met. At times I let myself believe there simply was nothing to say about it. Words were so precious and prized to him, yet so pale and shallow and lifeless. Maybe I was never so different from them.
She closed her eyes and breathed. Soft exhale, softer inhale. Breathing. Still breathing. Still alive. In some vague and silly abstract meaning of the word. She did not attempt to comprehend how or why. There were no hows or whys. None that mattered, anyway. An eternity had passed before her eyes in a breath, and now...now was now. There were no explainations or descriptions. None that fit, anyway.
She. And home. Her home. His home. Their home. A sanctuary of the past.
Once, long ago, he told me I would die, and he would be forced to live on. He was lying. And now I have to live on in a universe devoid of its guiding light, riding into the inevitable destruction of it all. Because I am still breathing. Because I will never be free until I am with him again, wherever that will be.
And I will find him again. Because nothing in this universe or any other can keep use apart forever.
Nothing.
END
--
AN: Ah...Yeah. This went through several different endings, none of which I liked. Some included her meeting a young 1, others involved her leaving him a letter and the TARDIS, and one included Susan. Most were Bad Wolf things...in the end none of them really seemed right.
Genre: Dark angst
Rating: PG
Couple: Rose/Doctor
Summary: He always told her she would wither and die, and he would live on alone. He promised her she could live with him her whole life. She never thought not to believe him. Not your usual angst fic.
Disclaimer: Eh. Wish I owned DW. Really.
AN: One of those random one-line inspirations. Doomsday/AoG are utterly ignored. Its a bit of a duo-POV experiment thing, too. I've done one fic before with a similar POV, but it was to a different fandom.
--
Breathing
One day, a long time ago, so long ago, he told me I could spend my whole life with him. I believed him. He lied.
Red-rimmed eyes stared out across the horizon, unseeing, uncaring. Chill wind blew locks of hair wildly across a silent, blank expression. Only the faint whisper of tears staining cheeks betrayed the churning emotions lingering just under the surface.
Once, a long time ago, I swore to give him every moment of my life. If it was all I could give him, then that was what I would give. It was nothing. My life is a hearts beat for him. But I pretended that was enough, pretended if he and I ignored the future, it would be okay, and we could be happy. I was such a fool.
She didn't want to move. Didn't want to go 'home' without him. She wanted to stay right where he had been last, because if she moved from that spot, it would mean accepting he was gone. Really gone. And he couldn't really be gone. So she stood in silence. Staring up into the grey sky above her. Staring into the empty, twisted smile of the universe. Staring into nothingness.
One time, so long ago, he'd spoken softly of words like 'love' and some things that sounded almost like 'forever'. He looked so sincere in the dark, I never thought to question him. I never suspected how cruel and dishonest he really was...not to me. Never to me. I was such a child.
Feet plodded across empty terrain without any command from her. Every step widened the gaping hole that might have once been her soul. Tears never fell, nor even truly threatened to. Tears were a silly nonexistant idea for silly living people. Tears were something to shed, to lose to the wind, to bleed away your pain. She was nothing, and she had nothing. She could never cry.
Once before he told me he could cheat death, become another person and stay the same. He told me it was his curse, a punishment for crimes I could never begin to comprehend. He never told me they could be cleansed.
Eyes watched the ceiling void of interest as she fell without enthusiasm into the chair behind her. Fabric bunched in her hands as she brought the heavy bundle up to her face to breathe in the deep spicy scent of too much Jasmine cologne. As a muted scream escaped her lips, still no tears fell, no dry sobs shook her shoulders. What was grief and mourning to the abysmal nothingness that she had become. No, not become. She had lost all that she was, if you could call her anything, she was the embodiment of nihility.
Occassionally, she would tell me I would lose myself. That he would burn away all that I was and make me him. She never told me that I would want him to. That I would need him to take away all of everything but him. She never told me how much it would hurt when he was gone.
So long. It had been so long. It was little more than a breathspace. He had changed so much in that time, and so had she. Fifty years with no one but each other would do that to anyone, human or alien.
Silence. Had it been silent all this time, since he had vanished from her desperate grip? She did not see a reason to fill the empty air around her, and even if she had, what could she fill it with in the abscence of his voice?
No. Silence was perfection. The universe would never utter another sound. Not ever again.
The first time he told me they were gone, I should have seen. No matter how many times he would laugh at danger and shrug away death, I should have known it could never last. Because all good things die, and all cold things have to live on forever. He just never realized which he really was.
She stood once more, turning over the vividly colored candy box. He had always had a penchant for sweets and candies. Once he had an obsession with banana-toffee bars. This time it was gum drops. She had never been one for children's candy, but for him she had eaten every last one with a smile that could well substitute for a dwarf star.
The box was beaten and crushed, the yellow pain wearing off and the thin cardboard fraying into white ruffles along edges and corners. It had lines like wrinkles running along its length, and the top no longer closed quite properly. The candy within was cool and undamaged--if a bit clumped together at parts. She decided, as she placed a red sweet on her tongue, that they were not so bad after all.
Periodically he would remind me that I would age and die, wrinkle up and shrivel into nothingness, and there would be nothing he could do to stop it. I never stopped to think about the fact that I never really did. How could I? I thought I knew he would never lie to me. I thought so many things. But if he had ever truly let me know, then perhaps I would never have cherished every second that I had.
Eyes expressing no emotion stared down at the neatly folded clothes arrayed before her. Numbness was such an inadequet expression of what she felt, and yet...there were no words that could describe it any better. Void. Empty. Oblivion. Cold. Numb. Alone.
Alone. What a silly, pointless word. So many people and things used that word in so many languages, over so many things. Not one of them understood the meaning of the word. No one had hope of truly grasping the word, and he would have preferred it that way.
Often, just after she died, I would look to him as that one constant I could always cling to. Even when he changed, Once, Twice, he was still in some little way the same. I thought it would go on forever...us becoming closer through every adventure, and him changing when we would reach a dead-end. He never told me even his forever could run out.
Her palm still felt warm where she had last held him. Her chest still burned with something indescribable, since she had watched his soft red-gold locks vanish into golden nothingness, and been unable to do anything to stop him.
The metallic substance beneath her hands felt hot, pulsing with the grief she wished she could feel. All of time and all of space was open to her, and yet there was nowhere in this universe or any other that she could hide within. Nowhere to go and nothing to stay for.
Never did he tell me about his past. About anything before we first met. At times I let myself believe there simply was nothing to say about it. Words were so precious and prized to him, yet so pale and shallow and lifeless. Maybe I was never so different from them.
She closed her eyes and breathed. Soft exhale, softer inhale. Breathing. Still breathing. Still alive. In some vague and silly abstract meaning of the word. She did not attempt to comprehend how or why. There were no hows or whys. None that mattered, anyway. An eternity had passed before her eyes in a breath, and now...now was now. There were no explainations or descriptions. None that fit, anyway.
She. And home. Her home. His home. Their home. A sanctuary of the past.
Once, long ago, he told me I would die, and he would be forced to live on. He was lying. And now I have to live on in a universe devoid of its guiding light, riding into the inevitable destruction of it all. Because I am still breathing. Because I will never be free until I am with him again, wherever that will be.
And I will find him again. Because nothing in this universe or any other can keep use apart forever.
Nothing.
END
--
AN: Ah...Yeah. This went through several different endings, none of which I liked. Some included her meeting a young 1, others involved her leaving him a letter and the TARDIS, and one included Susan. Most were Bad Wolf things...in the end none of them really seemed right.