(no subject)
Title: The Things You Know
Fandom: Bandom
Pairing: Panic GSF
Word count: 2646
Warnings: Slavery, sex slavery (past). Somewhat explicit sex - for me, anyway. Minor infidelity.
Summary: Spencer is the last one to figure out what's going on.
Author's note: I'm not sure how to describe this, but I feel like I should explain that this fic deals with Spencer starting to realise that he's asexual, and that doesn't get fully resolved in this fic, and there is therefore some cluelessness on the part of the other guys. This takes place in the Aeonverse, a couple of years down the track when everyone's eighteen. This is a hc_bingo fill for my wildcard square, for which I'm using the prompt 'cuddling'. Getting really close to that blackout now.
It happened slowly over several days. A look from Jon, a smile from Brendon. One day the two of them sat holding hands right through dinner, feeding one another bites from their plates. It was sweet.
Spencer watched and tried to identify the tight, painful feeling in his chest.
**********
The drums had been hidden in the music room under piles of other stuff, and only been unearthed when Brendon undertook a detailed inventory of every instrument in the room. The drums weren’t properly mounted and they had had to whittle makeshift drumsticks out of leftover dowel, but Spencer loved them anyway.
A few weeks earlier, Pete had brought in a bass guitar. There was no amp for it, but he and Jon had spent a lot of hours puzzling over it. That was what Spencer and Jon were doing, a few days later. Spencer was messing around on the drums and Jon was fiddling with the bass. Spencer sped up or slowed the beat as Jon worked out different melodies, and they started to come up with some things that sounded pretty good.
“That was awesome!” Jon said once they stopped.
Spencer agreed and stepped around the drums, closer to Jon. He hadn’t noticed the way Jon was looking at him, or maybe just hadn’t understood. Whatever, it came as a total shock when Jon leaned in and kissed him on the lips. It was over quickly, and Spencer was left to wonder what had happened, and why. Jon looked at him, hopeful and unsure. When Spencer didn’t move, he shrugged and turned away. He looked sad, Spencer thought, but that didn’t make sense when he had Brendon.
Oh, yes. Brendon. Jon had kissed Spencer and cheated on Brendon. Spencer had kissed Brendon’s boyfriend. Spencer liked Brendon, and he liked thinking of himself as the sort of person who didn’t kiss other people’s boyfriends.
It was made worse by the fact that kissing Jon had been nice. Spencer had enjoyed it. It was his first kiss. No one knew that, not even Ryan. Spencer couldn’t imagine confiding in Ryan about the way he felt about being so inexperienced, not when Ryan had experienced so much against his will.
Spencer avoided Jon and Brendon whenever he could.
**************
A few days later, Spencer went down to the library looking for Ryan. He found him, and Brendon as well, standing in a corner together, flushed and panting. Brendon’s hair was a mess and Ryan’s shirt was half untucked They smiled at Spencer and tried to look normal, but it was obviously fake. Spencer blushed when he realised what they’d been doing. He waved, grabbed a book at random and left without signing it out properly.
So. Brendon was cheating on Jon too. But it was worse, because he was cheating with Ryan, who might not know he could say no, who might be upset by something Brendon unthinkingly did. In fact, what Brendon was doing was far, far worse than what Spencer and Jon had done, but by the time Spencer reasoned that out and turned back to give Brendon a piece of his mind, Brendon was nowhere to be found.
The next day, all three of them followed Spencer back to his room after breakfast.
“We want to ask you about something,” Jon said nervously.
“Huh? What?” Spencer asked.
“About us,” Brendon added, not clarifying anything.
“I kissed Jon,” Spencer blurted, guilt overwhelming him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“No. I mean, I know. It’s fine.”
“Oh. You knew? Jon told you?” Spencer’s anger resurfaced. “Did you tell him about you and Ryan, too?”
“That’s what we wanted to talk about.” Brendon looked to Jon and Ryan for something, support maybe. They looked back blankly. Brendon took a deep breath and spoke. “Jon and I talked… Ryan too. And we al think, well. We all like one another.”
“Oh.” Spencer felt oddly - flattened, by the idea that Jon and Ryan and Brendon had been having secret discussions about things which didn’t include him.
“No, wait,” Brendon hurried on. “Listen. We thought maybe - or we wondered if you felt the same.”
“If I felt the same?” Spencer parroted helplessly.
“Yeah.” Brendon bounced a little bit and looked up at him, so hopeful. Spencer didn’t want to take that away from him, but he really didn’t know how to reply.
“I’m not sure…” he said uncertainly. Brendon’s smile dimmed a little.
“We understand,” Jon spoke up. “This is kind of a big thing. It’s fine if you need time to think about it. Or, if you decide you’d rather not, you know. That would be fine. Of course.”
The three of them exchanged glances, and Spencer could see what they were all thinking - better leave Spencer alone, and give him some space. He was suddenly struck by the idea of his three friends going somewhere without him and leaving him by himself.
“Wait!” he said before that could happen. “I do. I mean, I want to. What you said.”
The reaction was instantaneous. Brendon beamed hugely and said “Really?” Jon smiled with a bit more restraint and his shoulders relaxed. Ryan didn’t smile but Spencer could see that he was pleased.
“Really,” Spencer confirmed. “What are we going to do, exactly?”
************
Spencer had learned about what sex was, of course, since those days when he and Ryan were owned by Master Corcoran. And while Ryan’s experiences had made a significant impression on him, he’d also heard things from other people which suggested that, if it was done right, sex was a lot of fun for everyone involved. If Ryan was willing to give it a try, it couldn’t be that bad.
They decided to do it in Ryan and Spencer’s room, because no one else was likely to come in. Especially not if they put a sock on the door handle, which had become the accepted signal for ‘do not disturb’, thanks to Mikey and Ray.
At first they all stood around and looked at one another awkwardly. Surprisingly, it was Ryan who made the first move, taking Jon’s hand and pulling him in for a kiss. Spencer watched, feeling a little bit awkward about it, but Ryan’s eyes never left his, so maybe he wanted Spencer to look.
They broke off the kiss after a minute or so, and Jon laughed nervously. “Maybe we should take off some of these clothes,” he said, and they all agreed that that was a good idea. Spencer vaguely wondered if there was some generally accepted protocol for taking off clothes when people did this sort of thing, but in the end the four of them just got naked as quickly as they could. Spencer decided to save his question about stripping etiquette for another time.
Spencer had to resist the urge to cover himself once they were all undressed. It wouldn’t have been fair; the others were all naked too and they weren’t being shy about letting everyone look. He glanced over at them, getting glimpses of lots of bared skin, but he couldn’t quite make his gaze settle anywhere for longer than a second.
It was Ryan, surprisingly, who moved first. He came over to Spencer and kissed him, slowly and like it was something he’d spent a lot of time thinking about. Spencer was a little taken aback by that, because the idea of kissing Ryan had never really entered his head before. Now that it was happening, though, he wondered why not. Kissing Ryan was nice. He’d thought it might be a bit disgusting, putting his tongue in someone else’s mouth like that, but it wasn’t, and every so often Ryan made a soft little noise which made Spencer feel awesome.
As fun as the kissing was, it seemed to go on for a long time. Ryan eventually herded Spencer over towards the bed. Brendon and Jon were there already, Jon pressing Brendon down onto the bed and kissing his neck. Spencer looked on in interest and Ryan shuffled over to kiss the other side of Brendon’s neck. After a minute, Spencer began to wonder if he should be doing something, but at some unspoken signal, the other three began to shift around and Brendon shuffled across to lie half beside Spencer and half on top of him. Spencer was quite happy with that arrangement and his arms went around Brendon almost of their own accord.
Looking across, Spencer could see Ryan, but not Jon. Ryan gasped, he arched his back and his expression was blissful. Spencer glanced down, and there was Jon, in between Ryan’s legs. He realised what Jon was doing and looked away, his face burning. He’d known that people did that, of course, but he hadn’t realised they were going to be doing that today.
Brendon started to move more, and Spencer focused on him again. He brought his hips down, close to Spencer’s, and Spencer felt Brendon rubbing against his thigh. It just made him blush harder. Brendon moaned a little, and it made Spencer shiver. And then Brendon reached down between Spencer’s legs, and froze.
Ryan and Jon didn’t realise anything was wrong, and the sounds they were making were loud in Spencer’s ears as Brendon looked at him. Spencer waited, and when Brendon didn’t say anything, he asked, “What?”
“You’re not hard,” Brendon replied, his voice neutral.
Oh. Of course. Even when they’d been undressing, Spencer had noticed that the others were already getting hard, but somehow he hadn’t realised he was supposed to be doing that too. “Um,” he said, looking down to where his dick sat soft between his legs like it always did. “Sorry?”
Brendon just gave him an odd look and said nothing until Ryan groaned on the other side of the bed, and he and Jon seemed to finish whatever they were doing. Together they turned their faces towards Spencer and Brendon, both looking happy and satisfied. Their smiles faded slowly as they realised something was wrong.
Again, it was Ryan who took the lead. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
Spencer looked up at Brendon, because he wasn’t entirely sure. But Brendon just said, “Spencer?” and was generally no help. Spencer shrugged awkwardly. “I thought you wanted this?” Brendon asked.
“I did,” Spencer answered at once, because he’d agreed to this and he’d wanted to try it.
“Spencer?” Jon spoke up. “Did you not… like it?”
“He didn’t get hard,” said Brendon before Spencer could answer. “Not even a little.”
Every eye turned on Spencer then, and he felt cornered. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realise it was such a big deal.”
Ryan moved rapidly then, pushing Jon away - gently - and sitting up, arranging his legs so that his cock was more hidden from view. The others did the same, and Spencer wished he could get up and put some clothes on, but no one else did, so he didn’t move.
Spencer looked away from Ryan, because he looked really upset and Spencer couldn’t stand it. His eyes fell on Jon, who frowned and said, “I don’t… is it… do you not like guys?”
“Yeah. I mean, I think so.” Jon frowned and Spencer gathered that that was not an acceptable answer. “I never really thought about it?” That didn’t seem to help, so Spencer looked away again. This time his eyes met Brendon’s.
“How can you never have thought about it?” Brendon asked incredulously. Spencer flinched and pulled away. Brendon reached out at once, saying, “No, wait, don’t. I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. I mean. Don’t you… Um. What about. When you jerk off. What do you think about?”
“Um.” Spencer hesitated over the inevitable words, sensing now that they weren’t going to clear things up at all. “I don’t?”
“Don’t what?” That was Jon’s voice, making Spencer uncomfortably aware once again of the three sets of eyes on him. “You don’t think about anything?”
“No. Um. I don’t jerk off? Like. Ever.”
There was a long period of silence. Spencer felt the attention on him more acutely than ever, and was sure that he was blushing right down to his knees. He had given up on wishing to be somewhere else, and sat hunched over on the bed, wanting the mattress to open up and swallow him.
Ryan leaned towards Spencer, the bed shaking with his movement. “Spencer,” he said. “You should have talked to me about this.” His voice sounded a little rough, which for Ryan was the equivalent of a primal scream. “It’s not. I’m sure… um. I guess, when we were younger, I might have said some things to give you the wrong idea, but. Sex doesn’t have to be like that. And. Um.” Ryan looked over at Brendon, who nodded at him and gave an encouraging smile. “Sex isn’t bad. Liking it doesn’t mean you’re bad. It doesn’t mean you want to be hurt or anything.”
Ryan slumped back on the bed with the air of someone relaxing after expending great effort. Brendon reached over and squeezed his ankle, and Ryan gave one of his rarest smiles, small but unguarded and genuine. Spencer felt like shit for having to contradict him.
“I don’t think that,” he said. “Any of it. I don’t think sex is bad, or anything. I know it can be great, I just. I never thought about it very much.”
His friends’ expressions were somewhat disbelieving. “You never thought about it much,” Jon said dubiously. “And you’ve never jerked off? Not even once?”
Spencer thought maybe he was becoming immune to all the embarrassment, because it wasn’t too difficult to explain this time. “When I got here, when I was fifteen and I finally had some privacy, I did a few times. It just wasn’t that great. I didn’t enjoy it very much, so I just. Didn’t bother after that.”
They were all still looking at him, and their expressions now were pitying, at least as far as Spencer could tell. “It’s okay,” said Brendon, forcefully cheerful. “Spencer. This is okay. We can work this out. We’ll all help.”
The words were on Spencer’s tongue to tell Brendon that he didn’t need fixing, that he was fine and had been perfectly happy until his friends had come along and made him feel like he was somehow damaged, broken. He couldn’t bring himself to say it, though. Maybe Brendon was right. It wasn’t normal, he wasn’t normal. If anyone had a reason to not like sex, it was Ryan, but he was dealing with it.
It also occurred to Spencer that sex was clearly a pretty big deal to his three friends, so maybe he couldn’t not have sex and still have them. He made himself smile until the other three relented and smiled back. “Where do we start?” he asked uncertainly.
Brendon looked around to Ryan and Jon and they seemed to come to some sort of consensus. Brendon moved around to lie up against Spencer’s shoulder, putting one arm across his chest. “We should cuddle,” he said firmly. Although no one had even the slightest reaction to that statement, Brendon followed it up with a defensive “What? Cuddling fixes everything. I know these things.”
Jon laughed and lay on the other side of the bed, up against the wall. “Of course you do, Brendon. We believe you.” Even Ryan chuckled a little, and let Jon tug him down to lie between himself and Spencer. Spencer stretched out on the bed and put his arms around Ryan. He was okay with this plan. He wouldn’t admit it, but he liked to cuddle as much as Brendon did, and had always believed that Ryan needed more hugs. If Brendon had decided this was what he needed, Spencer was happy to go along with it. He hoped all of Brendon’s ideas would be this awesome.
Fandom: Bandom
Pairing: Panic GSF
Word count: 2646
Warnings: Slavery, sex slavery (past). Somewhat explicit sex - for me, anyway. Minor infidelity.
Summary: Spencer is the last one to figure out what's going on.
Author's note: I'm not sure how to describe this, but I feel like I should explain that this fic deals with Spencer starting to realise that he's asexual, and that doesn't get fully resolved in this fic, and there is therefore some cluelessness on the part of the other guys. This takes place in the Aeonverse, a couple of years down the track when everyone's eighteen. This is a hc_bingo fill for my wildcard square, for which I'm using the prompt 'cuddling'. Getting really close to that blackout now.
It happened slowly over several days. A look from Jon, a smile from Brendon. One day the two of them sat holding hands right through dinner, feeding one another bites from their plates. It was sweet.
Spencer watched and tried to identify the tight, painful feeling in his chest.
**********
The drums had been hidden in the music room under piles of other stuff, and only been unearthed when Brendon undertook a detailed inventory of every instrument in the room. The drums weren’t properly mounted and they had had to whittle makeshift drumsticks out of leftover dowel, but Spencer loved them anyway.
A few weeks earlier, Pete had brought in a bass guitar. There was no amp for it, but he and Jon had spent a lot of hours puzzling over it. That was what Spencer and Jon were doing, a few days later. Spencer was messing around on the drums and Jon was fiddling with the bass. Spencer sped up or slowed the beat as Jon worked out different melodies, and they started to come up with some things that sounded pretty good.
“That was awesome!” Jon said once they stopped.
Spencer agreed and stepped around the drums, closer to Jon. He hadn’t noticed the way Jon was looking at him, or maybe just hadn’t understood. Whatever, it came as a total shock when Jon leaned in and kissed him on the lips. It was over quickly, and Spencer was left to wonder what had happened, and why. Jon looked at him, hopeful and unsure. When Spencer didn’t move, he shrugged and turned away. He looked sad, Spencer thought, but that didn’t make sense when he had Brendon.
Oh, yes. Brendon. Jon had kissed Spencer and cheated on Brendon. Spencer had kissed Brendon’s boyfriend. Spencer liked Brendon, and he liked thinking of himself as the sort of person who didn’t kiss other people’s boyfriends.
It was made worse by the fact that kissing Jon had been nice. Spencer had enjoyed it. It was his first kiss. No one knew that, not even Ryan. Spencer couldn’t imagine confiding in Ryan about the way he felt about being so inexperienced, not when Ryan had experienced so much against his will.
Spencer avoided Jon and Brendon whenever he could.
**************
A few days later, Spencer went down to the library looking for Ryan. He found him, and Brendon as well, standing in a corner together, flushed and panting. Brendon’s hair was a mess and Ryan’s shirt was half untucked They smiled at Spencer and tried to look normal, but it was obviously fake. Spencer blushed when he realised what they’d been doing. He waved, grabbed a book at random and left without signing it out properly.
So. Brendon was cheating on Jon too. But it was worse, because he was cheating with Ryan, who might not know he could say no, who might be upset by something Brendon unthinkingly did. In fact, what Brendon was doing was far, far worse than what Spencer and Jon had done, but by the time Spencer reasoned that out and turned back to give Brendon a piece of his mind, Brendon was nowhere to be found.
The next day, all three of them followed Spencer back to his room after breakfast.
“We want to ask you about something,” Jon said nervously.
“Huh? What?” Spencer asked.
“About us,” Brendon added, not clarifying anything.
“I kissed Jon,” Spencer blurted, guilt overwhelming him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“No. I mean, I know. It’s fine.”
“Oh. You knew? Jon told you?” Spencer’s anger resurfaced. “Did you tell him about you and Ryan, too?”
“That’s what we wanted to talk about.” Brendon looked to Jon and Ryan for something, support maybe. They looked back blankly. Brendon took a deep breath and spoke. “Jon and I talked… Ryan too. And we al think, well. We all like one another.”
“Oh.” Spencer felt oddly - flattened, by the idea that Jon and Ryan and Brendon had been having secret discussions about things which didn’t include him.
“No, wait,” Brendon hurried on. “Listen. We thought maybe - or we wondered if you felt the same.”
“If I felt the same?” Spencer parroted helplessly.
“Yeah.” Brendon bounced a little bit and looked up at him, so hopeful. Spencer didn’t want to take that away from him, but he really didn’t know how to reply.
“I’m not sure…” he said uncertainly. Brendon’s smile dimmed a little.
“We understand,” Jon spoke up. “This is kind of a big thing. It’s fine if you need time to think about it. Or, if you decide you’d rather not, you know. That would be fine. Of course.”
The three of them exchanged glances, and Spencer could see what they were all thinking - better leave Spencer alone, and give him some space. He was suddenly struck by the idea of his three friends going somewhere without him and leaving him by himself.
“Wait!” he said before that could happen. “I do. I mean, I want to. What you said.”
The reaction was instantaneous. Brendon beamed hugely and said “Really?” Jon smiled with a bit more restraint and his shoulders relaxed. Ryan didn’t smile but Spencer could see that he was pleased.
“Really,” Spencer confirmed. “What are we going to do, exactly?”
************
Spencer had learned about what sex was, of course, since those days when he and Ryan were owned by Master Corcoran. And while Ryan’s experiences had made a significant impression on him, he’d also heard things from other people which suggested that, if it was done right, sex was a lot of fun for everyone involved. If Ryan was willing to give it a try, it couldn’t be that bad.
They decided to do it in Ryan and Spencer’s room, because no one else was likely to come in. Especially not if they put a sock on the door handle, which had become the accepted signal for ‘do not disturb’, thanks to Mikey and Ray.
At first they all stood around and looked at one another awkwardly. Surprisingly, it was Ryan who made the first move, taking Jon’s hand and pulling him in for a kiss. Spencer watched, feeling a little bit awkward about it, but Ryan’s eyes never left his, so maybe he wanted Spencer to look.
They broke off the kiss after a minute or so, and Jon laughed nervously. “Maybe we should take off some of these clothes,” he said, and they all agreed that that was a good idea. Spencer vaguely wondered if there was some generally accepted protocol for taking off clothes when people did this sort of thing, but in the end the four of them just got naked as quickly as they could. Spencer decided to save his question about stripping etiquette for another time.
Spencer had to resist the urge to cover himself once they were all undressed. It wouldn’t have been fair; the others were all naked too and they weren’t being shy about letting everyone look. He glanced over at them, getting glimpses of lots of bared skin, but he couldn’t quite make his gaze settle anywhere for longer than a second.
It was Ryan, surprisingly, who moved first. He came over to Spencer and kissed him, slowly and like it was something he’d spent a lot of time thinking about. Spencer was a little taken aback by that, because the idea of kissing Ryan had never really entered his head before. Now that it was happening, though, he wondered why not. Kissing Ryan was nice. He’d thought it might be a bit disgusting, putting his tongue in someone else’s mouth like that, but it wasn’t, and every so often Ryan made a soft little noise which made Spencer feel awesome.
As fun as the kissing was, it seemed to go on for a long time. Ryan eventually herded Spencer over towards the bed. Brendon and Jon were there already, Jon pressing Brendon down onto the bed and kissing his neck. Spencer looked on in interest and Ryan shuffled over to kiss the other side of Brendon’s neck. After a minute, Spencer began to wonder if he should be doing something, but at some unspoken signal, the other three began to shift around and Brendon shuffled across to lie half beside Spencer and half on top of him. Spencer was quite happy with that arrangement and his arms went around Brendon almost of their own accord.
Looking across, Spencer could see Ryan, but not Jon. Ryan gasped, he arched his back and his expression was blissful. Spencer glanced down, and there was Jon, in between Ryan’s legs. He realised what Jon was doing and looked away, his face burning. He’d known that people did that, of course, but he hadn’t realised they were going to be doing that today.
Brendon started to move more, and Spencer focused on him again. He brought his hips down, close to Spencer’s, and Spencer felt Brendon rubbing against his thigh. It just made him blush harder. Brendon moaned a little, and it made Spencer shiver. And then Brendon reached down between Spencer’s legs, and froze.
Ryan and Jon didn’t realise anything was wrong, and the sounds they were making were loud in Spencer’s ears as Brendon looked at him. Spencer waited, and when Brendon didn’t say anything, he asked, “What?”
“You’re not hard,” Brendon replied, his voice neutral.
Oh. Of course. Even when they’d been undressing, Spencer had noticed that the others were already getting hard, but somehow he hadn’t realised he was supposed to be doing that too. “Um,” he said, looking down to where his dick sat soft between his legs like it always did. “Sorry?”
Brendon just gave him an odd look and said nothing until Ryan groaned on the other side of the bed, and he and Jon seemed to finish whatever they were doing. Together they turned their faces towards Spencer and Brendon, both looking happy and satisfied. Their smiles faded slowly as they realised something was wrong.
Again, it was Ryan who took the lead. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
Spencer looked up at Brendon, because he wasn’t entirely sure. But Brendon just said, “Spencer?” and was generally no help. Spencer shrugged awkwardly. “I thought you wanted this?” Brendon asked.
“I did,” Spencer answered at once, because he’d agreed to this and he’d wanted to try it.
“Spencer?” Jon spoke up. “Did you not… like it?”
“He didn’t get hard,” said Brendon before Spencer could answer. “Not even a little.”
Every eye turned on Spencer then, and he felt cornered. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realise it was such a big deal.”
Ryan moved rapidly then, pushing Jon away - gently - and sitting up, arranging his legs so that his cock was more hidden from view. The others did the same, and Spencer wished he could get up and put some clothes on, but no one else did, so he didn’t move.
Spencer looked away from Ryan, because he looked really upset and Spencer couldn’t stand it. His eyes fell on Jon, who frowned and said, “I don’t… is it… do you not like guys?”
“Yeah. I mean, I think so.” Jon frowned and Spencer gathered that that was not an acceptable answer. “I never really thought about it?” That didn’t seem to help, so Spencer looked away again. This time his eyes met Brendon’s.
“How can you never have thought about it?” Brendon asked incredulously. Spencer flinched and pulled away. Brendon reached out at once, saying, “No, wait, don’t. I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. I mean. Don’t you… Um. What about. When you jerk off. What do you think about?”
“Um.” Spencer hesitated over the inevitable words, sensing now that they weren’t going to clear things up at all. “I don’t?”
“Don’t what?” That was Jon’s voice, making Spencer uncomfortably aware once again of the three sets of eyes on him. “You don’t think about anything?”
“No. Um. I don’t jerk off? Like. Ever.”
There was a long period of silence. Spencer felt the attention on him more acutely than ever, and was sure that he was blushing right down to his knees. He had given up on wishing to be somewhere else, and sat hunched over on the bed, wanting the mattress to open up and swallow him.
Ryan leaned towards Spencer, the bed shaking with his movement. “Spencer,” he said. “You should have talked to me about this.” His voice sounded a little rough, which for Ryan was the equivalent of a primal scream. “It’s not. I’m sure… um. I guess, when we were younger, I might have said some things to give you the wrong idea, but. Sex doesn’t have to be like that. And. Um.” Ryan looked over at Brendon, who nodded at him and gave an encouraging smile. “Sex isn’t bad. Liking it doesn’t mean you’re bad. It doesn’t mean you want to be hurt or anything.”
Ryan slumped back on the bed with the air of someone relaxing after expending great effort. Brendon reached over and squeezed his ankle, and Ryan gave one of his rarest smiles, small but unguarded and genuine. Spencer felt like shit for having to contradict him.
“I don’t think that,” he said. “Any of it. I don’t think sex is bad, or anything. I know it can be great, I just. I never thought about it very much.”
His friends’ expressions were somewhat disbelieving. “You never thought about it much,” Jon said dubiously. “And you’ve never jerked off? Not even once?”
Spencer thought maybe he was becoming immune to all the embarrassment, because it wasn’t too difficult to explain this time. “When I got here, when I was fifteen and I finally had some privacy, I did a few times. It just wasn’t that great. I didn’t enjoy it very much, so I just. Didn’t bother after that.”
They were all still looking at him, and their expressions now were pitying, at least as far as Spencer could tell. “It’s okay,” said Brendon, forcefully cheerful. “Spencer. This is okay. We can work this out. We’ll all help.”
The words were on Spencer’s tongue to tell Brendon that he didn’t need fixing, that he was fine and had been perfectly happy until his friends had come along and made him feel like he was somehow damaged, broken. He couldn’t bring himself to say it, though. Maybe Brendon was right. It wasn’t normal, he wasn’t normal. If anyone had a reason to not like sex, it was Ryan, but he was dealing with it.
It also occurred to Spencer that sex was clearly a pretty big deal to his three friends, so maybe he couldn’t not have sex and still have them. He made himself smile until the other three relented and smiled back. “Where do we start?” he asked uncertainly.
Brendon looked around to Ryan and Jon and they seemed to come to some sort of consensus. Brendon moved around to lie up against Spencer’s shoulder, putting one arm across his chest. “We should cuddle,” he said firmly. Although no one had even the slightest reaction to that statement, Brendon followed it up with a defensive “What? Cuddling fixes everything. I know these things.”
Jon laughed and lay on the other side of the bed, up against the wall. “Of course you do, Brendon. We believe you.” Even Ryan chuckled a little, and let Jon tug him down to lie between himself and Spencer. Spencer stretched out on the bed and put his arms around Ryan. He was okay with this plan. He wouldn’t admit it, but he liked to cuddle as much as Brendon did, and had always believed that Ryan needed more hugs. If Brendon had decided this was what he needed, Spencer was happy to go along with it. He hoped all of Brendon’s ideas would be this awesome.