drowning in you [hoya/dongwoo]
drowning in you | hoya/dongwoo | R | 5000~
→ while all the other boys are busy falling in love with girls, howon was busy falling for his best friend.
but·ter·fly ef·fect n.
the phenomenon whereby a minute localized change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere
Howon's pretty sure it applies. He's pretty goddamn sure.
He looks it up on the Internet and spends a few moments of silence to himself, immersed in his thoughts. If he replaced all the variables and adapted them to his current situation, it'd all add up and everything would make sense. He runs through everything in his head.
Hypothesis: Howon had never moved to the city. He'd never waved to the skinny boy living across the street from him. They'd never played catch, or hide-and-seek or told each other secrets. In theory, Howon never becomes friends with a boy named Dongwoo (manipulated variable A) and becomes friends with other boys (manipulated variable B), boys who aren't as generous with their smiles, or wear their hearts on their sleeve.
Boys who don't make Howon's insides churn with something he can't quite (or refuses to) name.
Given manipulated variable B, Howon grows up a normal guy.
Howon makes friends with most of the guys his age who live in his neighbourhood. They play football on the empty fields around their school after lessons and on weekends. They make fun of girls. They start to grow up. They start liking girls with their pretty long hair and soft curves and sweet voices.
Howon ends up dating a beautiful girl with a sassy attitude, attracted to the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles and the genuine way she laughs at herself all the way from highschool to college.
They fall in love. They get married. They have kids.
Situation B Lee Howon lives a normal, charmed life.
Situation B Lee Howon doesn't go around riding bicycles around the neigbourhood with the neighbour's kid. He doesn't confide in anybody the time he breaks one of his mother's treasured flower pots while kicking a football around the garden. He doesn't exchange ghost stories under the covers with a flashlight in his hand because he has sleepovers with nobody.
He doesn't feel confused or angry when other guys are too busy liking girls and discussing what body parts they like because he's not busy thinking about his best friend or deciding that he likes his best friend's smile better than any of the girl's.
He doesn't think about what it'd be like to maybe kiss Dongwoo one day when the first guy in their class to kiss a girl boasts about it to everyone.
(He doesn't think about what it'd be like to push him against a flat surface and press his lips to his collarbone or nip at his jawline and listen to all the little noises he'd make, rough, breathless, delicious little grunts and gasps. He doesn't think about licking at the sensitive spot on his neck, doesn't think about ways to make him lose more and more control. He doesn't think about how how Dongwoo would hold onto Howon's shoulders so tight it'd leave marks and how he would spread his legs and wrap them around his waist and-)
Oh.
A boy's name never passes Situation B Lee Howon's lips at night, when he's in bed, fingers wrapped around his cock, his free hand fumbling around for tissues in the dark a beat later.
He doesn't have to worry about feeling guilty in the morning, doesn't worry about not being able to look said boy in the eye.
Because in Situation B, Lee Howon doesn't know who Jang Dongwoo is and never finds out and really that makes all the difference in the world.
In Situation A, Lee Howon cleans up and falls asleep.
-
(The following is written on a piece of note paper roughly the size of an adult man's palm tucked away in a thick dictionary locked in a drawer in Howon's room)
FACTS
(it's underlined with three thick, fat, black marker lines)
1) I've been best friends with Dongwoo since I was six.
2) I've never kissed anyone before.
3) I really want to kiss Do
The above is crossed-out until the words are nearly impossible to read. There are layers upon layers of black ink shielding its back as well.)
3) A kiss should be with someone you like love care about who also cares about you.
4) I care about Dongwoo.
5) Dongwoo cares about me.
6) He also cares about Sunggyu, Sungjong, Sungyeol, Myungsoo and Woohyun.
6) Boys can't kiss other boys.
-
Howon wakes up.
He brushes his teeth, washes his face, changes into his school uniform, has breakfast and starts getting ready to leave for school. The doorbell rings and his mother answers it.
On the other side of the door, a blinding smile greets him.
"Hurry up, Howon! We're going to be late!" His mother waves them both off as soon as Howon pulls the knot of his shoelaces tight and gets out of the house, Dongwoo taking wide steps in front of him, almost a skip in his step.
Dongwoo's prattling on and on about what he ate for dinner the previous night, about the comedy show he watched after and did you catch it, Howon? It was so classic!
Howon remains silent save for throwing out a few suitable 'yes' and 'no's at the end of Dongwoo's sentences, gaze falling to the back of Dongwoo's neck, at the section of bare skin between his unruly hair and their uniform collar. He can't stop staring.
The silence stretches out a few seconds too long and Dongwoo turns and raises an eyebrow at him.
"Howon, you're spacing out. Are you okay?"
Howon nods, only able to offer a weak smile to placate him.
He can't quite meet Dongwoo's eyes.
-
"You are pathetic and you should tell him." Sungjong says before inviting himself to sprawl across Howon's lap after a roll of his eyes. "Moping is not attractive, hyung."
Howon doesn't ask Sungjong to get off his lap but he does frown and cross his arms.
"Neither is sulking, hyung." Sungjong singsongs as he scoots off of Howon when a shadow falls over them.
"Why are you moping?" Howon looks up and Dongwoo's at his side, hand on his shoulder. Howon jerks it away like it burns. Dongwoo's sunny expression falters for a split second before it returns to normal.
"Sorry, I must've scared you." Howon nods, not sure what to say, eyes still refusing to look Dongwoo straight in the face. Sungjong spares a pitiful glance at him over Dongwoo's shoulder. Sungjong walks over to the both of them, wraps a slim arm around Dongwoo's shoulders and breaks out his prettiest smile.
"Hyung, let's go. You promised me you'd help me perfect that one dance move in the Wonder Girls' video remember? The one that I can't quite get right." Dongwoo's eyes widen and he smiles - the same infuriating way he smiles at Howon, and Sunggyu and Myungsoo and really, everybody else - at Sungjong, apologizing for forgetting. Howon watches them leave with a small wave.
Sungjong glares at him when Dongwoo's not looking and pointedly mouths, tell him.
Howon pretends not to look.
-
The thing is Howon still can't help himself sometimes.
From staring a little too long when Dongwoo won't notice, to handing him his water bottle during track team practice before he even asks for it, and even wiping the sweat off his brow with his own towel ignoring Sungjong's disgusted expression. Dongwoo beams up at him and Howon feels his cheeks colour with something akin to guilt and affection before he allows himself to ruffle Dongwoo's hair.
Dongwoo sticks his tongue out at Sungjong. "Don't be jealous just because Howon likes me better." He leans into Howon's touch. "Right, Howon?"
Howon swallows down the lump in his throat as he retracts his hands (far, far away from all that smooth tan skin and soft hair) and his lips twitch into a perfunctory smile.
"Of course, hyung."
-
One summer, when Dongwoo was about nine and Howon about eight, Dongwoo came down with a fever that took with it his voice in addition to his appetite. That summer, they communicated in notes and flashlights.
Howon spent most of his time by Dongwoo's side, keeping him company.
They'd watch television together, Dongwoo laughing silently at the funny bits and they'd play video games (Dongwoo always let him win, and Howon kind of hated it) and whenever Dongwoo needed to say something, he'd write it down in his spiral bound notebook.
The spiral bound notebook had been a birthday present from Howon, secretly proud that he had gotten it with his own savings. It was a normal notebook, one any adult could probably buy without a second thought but it took Howon a few weeks to come up with the money. It was a present that came from his own efforts and it made him feel proud.
Each time he saw Dongwoo use it, his chest would swell with happiness. Dongwoo gestured him over and Howon kneeled by his side, watching the pen scratch against the paper in a flurry.
The first note read: I saw this done before in a movie
Dongwoo held up a flashlight.
It's all code and signals and Howon read the notes Dongwoo wrote with the utmost care, his eight year old mind trying his best to keep up.
From Dongwoo's bedroom, he could see Howon's bedroom and that's where the flashlights came in.
One blink meant hello, two blinks meant are you alright, and three blinks meant i'm okay. No blinks mean good night, go to sleep Dongwoo scribbles, giggling at his own wit and Howon just shakes his head and rolls his eyes. If we don't use the flashlight in five minutes, we just assume we've gone to sleep, alright? It means we'll stop talking.
Howon stares at all the notes and tries to keep track of everything and Dongwoo smiles, amused by his confusion.
This is so that you won't worry about me so much when you need to be at home. You can't be here all the time. You're always being so serious! So, hopefully this helps you to relax a bit okay. I'm your hyung, I'll be fine even if you're not here. So stop using me as an excuse to worry, you worry-wart.
Howon turned red and sheepish after reading the note and Dongwoo laughed. Howon's stomach did somersaults.
Later at night, settled under his covers, Howon crawled to the window with his flashlight in hand. He switched it on, then off, a second later. He held his breath. In the dark, a light switched on and off from the opposite street. Yo, Howon could imagine Dongwoo saying.
The signals became more complicated from then on, becoming a sort of secret language between the two of them.
The nights of Howon's eighth summer were spent with Howon clutching his torchlight to his chest, making sure his parents were still asleep to not catch him awake at ungodly hours and counting the seconds backwards from three hundred and smiling to himself when he knew Dongwoo was fast asleep.
-
When Dongwoo kisses someone for the first time, the first person he tells is Howon. He whispers it into his cellphone late at night, voice giddy with happiness and what Howon dreads to think is a hardcore case of puppy love.
She's so pretty and kind, Howon, I can't believe how lucky I am, and Howon just listens to him like he always has, and probably always will.
Sungjong finds out too and he sort of huffs, mumbles something about idiots who can't see past their noses but still gives him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
Dongwoo introduces her to the whole gang during lunchtime.
Her name is Hyosung and she's every bit as lovely as Dongwoo made her out to be, no exaggerations.
Howon couldn't hate her if he tried.
By lunchtime, Woohyun's tried to flirt with her (unsuccessfully), Sunggyu and Hyosung share some sort of understanding on the trials of being a class representative, she laughs at Sungyeol's pranks, gets into an impromptu dance-off with Sungjong and actually makes conversation with Myungsoo.
Hyosung charms the pants off of everyone and Howon isn't even finished with his lunch yet.
They're the type of couple that blush and giggle a lot and are as sickeningly cute as a boxful of kittens and Howon's stomach feels a little sick when he looks at them for too long.
(Sungjong makes some smartass comment about how your heart is not your stomach, hyung, but Howon ignores him because Sungjong is stupid and he talks too much)
Before Howon's even done eating, he stands up and mumbles something but needing to meet a teacher for something and stalks off.
-
After Dongwoo and Hyosung start dating, he doesn't wait for Howon after school anymore to walk home.
Everytime they do talk, all Dongwoo can talk about is what Hyosung did today, about how much she laughed at some joke he cracked and how pretty she looked and how fucking perfect his life is and Howon just nods and listens, knuckles turning white on the clenched fists he hides in his pockets.
Sungjong tries to cheer him up by setting him up with a couple of his many female friends, but it's awkward and clumsy and Howon never really knows how to act around girls, he's never as comfortable with them as he is with Dongwoo.
They're pretty and Howon tells them so, and they giggle and blush, but it does nothing for him. The dates always end with handshakes (who handshakes at the end of a date?) and no promises to meet up again.
Once, just once, a date actually goes somewhere and the girl - a high jumper from a neighbouring school that he'd met before at track meets - isn't put off by Howon's stiff, awkward ways and somehow they end up in her bedroom at the end of her night.
Her lips are on his and her hands on his belt and whoa, when did this happen?
She smells really nice, Howon thinks, kind of like how Dongwoo smells right after a shower and Howon never really noticed how similar her eyes were to Dongwoo's and oh, this was soon entering very high levels of wrong.
She smirks against his forehead as she unbuttons his shirt and Howon squints his eyes, trying to picture Dongwoo in her place. He imagines short blonde spikes instead of her brown bob, tan skin instead of pale white and imagines it's Dongwoo's mouth he's kissing, Dongwoo's skin he's touching and everything else becomes a blur.
-
(Howon imagines making love to his best friend while having sex with a girl. It's not something he's particularly proud of.)
-
Howon expects Dongwoo and Hyosung to make it all the way, live out the whole white picket fence scenario and everything.
Everybody does because they're the nicest couple anyone ever comes across, sweet and adorable and perfect to everyone else on the outside looking in, the ones people keep their fingers crossed for.
So when they break up, no one expects it. Howon doesn't either, doesn't expect Dongwoo to show up at his house, to come up to his room for the first time in months and curl up beside his bed, eyes red.
"Hyosung thinks we're better off as friends." Dongwoo says, and the sound of his voice, all droopy like a wilted plant makes Howon's stomach hurt again (stomach, not heart) and he sits right next to him, not quite knowing what to do with his hands.
"She's stupid," Howon says, without really meaning it but it just comes out and Dongwoo shakes his head.
"No, no, no. She's not stupid at all." He looks at Howon and snickers.
"Don't be angry, Howon, 'cause I'm definitely not." No, but you're sad so I have every reason to be, Howon feels like saying but has no idea how to without sounding like a little kid. He bites his tongue. Howon wishes he knew what to say. He's no good at this, making people cheer up business, he's horrible at it.
Dongwoo seems to sense his discomfort and really, Howon wishes it was this simple with everyone else when Dongwoo reassures him.
"Talking to you always makes me feel better, Howon. So just tell me anything, it sounds stupid," He snorts a little at himself and really, Howon shouldn't find it as endearing as he does.
"It sounds stupid, but I've missed the sound of your voice." His laugh is more genuine and Howon grins, feeling his shoulders relax as he scoots a little closer.
"So Woohyun was being an asshole at school again." He starts and Dongwoo smiles so bright, it hurts Howon's eyes.
(A little voice in his head that sounds a lot like Sungjong mutter something like: Your eyes aren't your heart either, genius.)
-
"You're still not going to do anything about him. Hyung. Seriously?" Howon glares at him and Sungjong returns it with the same intensity.
"He just broke up with his girlfriend. It's not appropriate." Neither is thinking of your best friend while fucking someone else but Sungjong doesn't need to know that, Howon thinks. Sungjong raises an eyebrow and Howon tenses up. Even thinking wasn't safe. Sungjong just knew when someone was hiding something.
"You're hiding something from me." Sungjong narrows his eyes and slaps him hard on the shoulder. "Lee Howon, tell me!" Howon frowns and holds his arm where it hurts.
"For a girl you hit really hard, you know that?" Sungjong's about to hit him again before Dongwoo appears, waving his arms in the air.
"Whoa, whoa. Cool down, Sungjong. What's wrong? What's going on?" Howon cuts Sungjong off before he can answer.
"Nothing, hyung. Nothing happened." He looks away from the both of them, but spares a smile for Dongwoo.
"I'm going to go running. I'll see you guys later."
-
Everything returns to normal.
Sungyeol continues playing pranks, Myungsoo joins him, Sungjong gets Dongwoo to do his girl group dance covers with him to upload on Daum because he's one of the few people whose body waves he approves of, Woohyun and Sunggyu are in their own little world and everything is just the way it used to be.
Dongwoo looks up and gives Howon a peace sign for no real reason at all but it catches him off guard and makes him smile.
Everything is exactly the way it should be.
-
Howon gets a letter. A letter with a heart-shaped sticker on the front and his name on the back and it's from a girl a year younger than them. She blushes when she meets him, mumbles something about liking him for a long time and runs back to her crowd of friends who are all huddled together, whispering.
Howon stares at it.
-
Of course, by the end of the school day, everybody knows and everybody includes Dongwoo who tackles him from the back and looks more excited about it than he is and starts off their conversation with, "Woohyun told me what happened! Congratulations!" Howon shakes him off his back and his lips set into a thin line.
"Thanks, I guess." He rubs the back of his neck. "I don't think I'll accept though." Dongwoo tilts his head.
"Really? Woohyun tell me this girl's great though. She's really sweet and smart and pretty and she seems to have pretty amazing taste in guys." Dongwoo says like he's making some off-hand comment about the weather, not knowing how he's making Howon's insides flutter.
"Hyung, could we not talk about this?" Howon says, his tone harsh and annoyed. A crease appears in Dongwoo's brow.
"Why, what's wrong? I was just thinking that you guys would look good together. I mean she's really cute-"
"Look, hyung, if you like her that much, why don't you date her?" The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them and Dongwoo's frown becomes deeper. Howon can't keep it all in anymore, it's too much.
Hyosung was too much, that girl that one night was too much, Dongwoo is just too much.
"Howon, did I do something? Why are you getting upset?" Dongwoo asks. Howon can't take it. He grabs his wrist and pulls him close and leans in, kisses him hard and Dongwoo's eyes are wide open and he's not kissing back and this isn't how he wanted it at all. He lets go and pulls back.
"This is why." He says, voice a whisper, and regrets it almost immediately when he sees the confusion and shock forming on Dongwoo's face.
He runs away.
-
Howon gets several messages from different people, all asking where he is or to answer their calls. Sungjong is the most persistent. The first message he sends reads: Pick up. He ignores it. The second one goes: Stop being a dick, you made Dongwoo-hyung sad therefore you must pay. Sungjong doesn't stop and soon his inbox is full, with Sungjong's 'Talk to him. He deserves to know.' and 'Answer our calls!'.
The 'Dongwoo-hyung won't call you because he thinks you're mad at him!' message stings a little but he doesn't budge.
Sungjong turns to blackmail promising that 'If he so much as sheds a tear, I'm telling Sungyeol-hyung to put vinegar in allyour food.'
A few hours later, two messages arrive. 'Hyung, seriously, he needs you :(' and 'Oh fine, forget it. Continue with your macho sulking but when you're done feeling sorry for yourself, talk to him.'
Howon deletes them all.
He lies back on his bed and thinks.
-
Howon spends the entire weekend thinking. He ends up switching off his phone which no doubt has to piss Sungjong off but all he really wants to do is think about what a mess he's made out of everything. He rolls to the side, looks at his bedside table and opens the top drawer. There's an old photo frame made of clay that he remembers making in art class.
Inside, there's a photo of him and Dongwoo as children, baring shark grins. Dongwoo was missing his two front teeth and they're both making twin peace signs. Back then, a year made a lot of difference and Dongwoo was a whole head taller than him. Howon smiles at the photo and sets it aside. Next to the photo frame there's a stack of note paper, frayed at the edges and beside it, a flashlight.
Howon holds them both in his hand. He looks at them for a long while, as though thinking about it.
After a few minutes pass, he shuts his bedside drawer close.
He leaves the flashlight outside.
-
Sender: HOWON（￣～￣)V
11-09-03 15:38
Hyung, I need to speak to you.
Sender: HOWON（￣～￣)V
11-09-03 16:05
Do you still remember the flashlight signals?
Sender: HOWON（￣～￣)V
11-09-03 16:10
I hope you do.
-
After the initial week when he was eight, after Howon struggled to keep up with knowing which signal meant what, it all came second nature to him.
Even without the notes, Howon could speak to Dongwoo with lights as easy as breathing. Almost ten years later, he still knows all the codes by heart. He knows what he's going to say and he paces his bedroom, checks the batteries twice before he sits back on his bed, waiting.
The sky begins to turn dark around six, and Dongwoo still doesn't leave any replies to his messages. At seven, night takes over and when Howon squints outside his window, he can barely make out anything besides the outline of Dongwoo's house.
Then, in the middle of the darkness, a tiny white light blinks from Dongwoo's bedroom.
Hi.
Howon sits up, stiffens. He rolls his thumb on his flashlight's button.
-
This is what Howon's flashlight say, in its series of blinks and dashes:
I thought about it all the time. About what it'd be like to kiss you. I wanted to do it for the longest time. I feel comfortable when I'm with you. Girls are pretty and nice and all that but the thing is they're not you. They could never be you.
I didn't control myself. I never wanted to hurt you. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. I apologize.
I realize that you probably don't feel the same.
-
Howon holds his breath. Five minutes. He gives himself five minutes. In his head, he starts counting backwards from three hundred, refusing to tear his eyes away from the window.
Two hundred and fifty, there's still nothing. Everything's still black. Everything's still black. Howon thinks back to that summer, years ago, the countdown still going off in his head, the numbers decreasing by the second.
It means we'll stop talking, he remembers, the way Dongwoo's childish scrawl looked on the paper.
A string of curses form in his head as he slowly counts backwards from fifty. He's pretty sure he stretches it out longer than it really lasts and then just like that, it's over.
Everything's over. Dongwoo won't be there when he walks home from school, he won't be there to annoy Howon, or laugh at Sungyeol together. Howon slumps on the bed, and lets everything sink in.
Howon yells at nothing, a wordless sound carrying all his anger and frustrations with it leaving his mouth and he feels like shit. Feels like he took the best, most horrible thing in his life and threw it away. He's about to pick something up and throw it when he feels his phone vibrate against his thigh and stares at the screen, stares at the name that appears.
He picks it up immediately.
"Hyung?"
I'm outside. So please come downstairs, you gigantic dummy, Dongwoo says before he hangs up and Howon feels like a first-class asshole because Dongwoo sounds as sad as he ever really allows himself to be (like the time Howon broke his leg in a football match, like the time Hyosung broke up with him and great, it's because of him now) but he makes his way down the stairs, steps heavy.
"Dongwoo's outside looking for you, dear. Is everything alright?" Howon nods to his mother, opening the door wide and it's raining and Dongwoo's standing there like a wet puppy and staring straight at him.
"Hyung? Are you crying?" Dongwoo doesn't answer, just stares at his feet.
"Hyung, let's go up alright?" Dongwoo doesn't say a word, it's unnerving seeing him so quiet but he follows Howon up the stairs and into his room. He closes the door behind them.
In the short amount of time it takes Howon to close the door, Dongwoo walks right up to him. There's barely any space between them and Howon's breath catches in his throat.
"Why are we both so stupid?" Dongwoo says, and he's chuckling and it makes his shoulders shake. He reaches up and curls his fingers against Howon's cheek, like he's appraising him. A shudder runs down Howon's spine and all this proximity, all of Dongwoo makes him feel a little dizzy.
"Especially you. You should've have said something. You bonehead." Dongwoo chides, but his voice sounds soft and fond. His hand drops to the juncture of his neck and shoulder.
"I'm not sure what to do. I don't know what I'm doing." Howon feels a rush of courage through his veins, his left hand finding its way to the back of Dongwoo's neck.
"I'm sorry, hyung, but I really just want to kiss you right now." Please don't say no, Howon thinks.
Dongwoo doesn't say anything at all so Howon takes it as his cue to lean in.
-
When Dongwoo kisses Howon for the second time, it's gentle and sweet and Howon feels his cheeks hurting from his own smile.
Dongwoo whispers into his collarbone about how I may be an idiot, but you're no better, why were you being so stupid, and never mind, I was stupid too, let's just be stupid together okay?
Howon doesn't know whether to hug Dongwoo so tight and just never let go, doesn't know whether to kiss him on his shoulder the way he does in all his dreams and has been wanting to do so for forever, but Dongwoo feels so warm and so right in his arms and this is real and it doesn't matter that he doesn't know because he has all the time in the world to figure it out.
"I think about you all the time, about all the things I've wanted to do with you, all the things I'd do to you." He says and Dongwoo giggles like he can't believe anybody would say something like that to him, like no one would ever see him that way. Howon's promises himself to prove to him just how wrong he is.
Howon's just about to kiss him again and Dongwoo's already looking up at him expectantly when the door opens and his mother's head pokes in.
"Is everything alright, dears? Dongwoo seemed a little under the weather there, just now."
Howon and Dongwoo exchange nervous glances but he laces his fingers with Dongwoo where his mother can't see.
"Everything's fine, mum." He looks at their joined hands from the corner of his eyes. "Everything's fine now."
-
The next day, Sungjong gives him a swift kick in the shin when Dongwoo's not looking.
"That's for ignoring my messages." Then, he's offering Howon his hand and helping him up. "Also, good job. Dongwoo-hyung's been humming to himself all day. I told you you should have told him years ago. Also, skip lunch, Sungyeol-hyung spiked it with wasabi." Howon narrows his eyes at him, rubbing his shin.
"What? You didn't think we'd get mad at you for doing what you did to Dongwoo-hyung? Fear not, all is forgiven." Howon rolls his eyes.
Sungjong smirks.
"Anyways, for all the trouble you've given me, I reserve the rights to naming your firstborn. Or first-adopted, in this case."
Howon elbows him in the waist.
-
Howon finds the silly little note he wrote about Dongwoo and kisses, reads it, and tears it into little pieces and throws them away.
-
Situation A Lee Howon doesn't live the normal, charmed life he would in Situation B.
Situation A Lee Howon lives a fucking fantastic life, that makes the other one pale by comparison.
He smiles when he feels Dongwoo's arms wrap around his shoulders tight at the end of another school day, his hair tickling his ear. Dongwoo lets go just to hold his hand.
Yep, Howon thinks. He wouldn't change anything for the world.
→ while all the other boys are busy falling in love with girls, howon was busy falling for his best friend.
but·ter·fly ef·fect n.
the phenomenon whereby a minute localized change in a complex system can have large effects elsewhere
Howon's pretty sure it applies. He's pretty goddamn sure.
He looks it up on the Internet and spends a few moments of silence to himself, immersed in his thoughts. If he replaced all the variables and adapted them to his current situation, it'd all add up and everything would make sense. He runs through everything in his head.
Hypothesis: Howon had never moved to the city. He'd never waved to the skinny boy living across the street from him. They'd never played catch, or hide-and-seek or told each other secrets. In theory, Howon never becomes friends with a boy named Dongwoo (manipulated variable A) and becomes friends with other boys (manipulated variable B), boys who aren't as generous with their smiles, or wear their hearts on their sleeve.
Boys who don't make Howon's insides churn with something he can't quite (or refuses to) name.
Given manipulated variable B, Howon grows up a normal guy.
Howon makes friends with most of the guys his age who live in his neighbourhood. They play football on the empty fields around their school after lessons and on weekends. They make fun of girls. They start to grow up. They start liking girls with their pretty long hair and soft curves and sweet voices.
Howon ends up dating a beautiful girl with a sassy attitude, attracted to the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles and the genuine way she laughs at herself all the way from highschool to college.
They fall in love. They get married. They have kids.
Situation B Lee Howon lives a normal, charmed life.
Situation B Lee Howon doesn't go around riding bicycles around the neigbourhood with the neighbour's kid. He doesn't confide in anybody the time he breaks one of his mother's treasured flower pots while kicking a football around the garden. He doesn't exchange ghost stories under the covers with a flashlight in his hand because he has sleepovers with nobody.
He doesn't feel confused or angry when other guys are too busy liking girls and discussing what body parts they like because he's not busy thinking about his best friend or deciding that he likes his best friend's smile better than any of the girl's.
He doesn't think about what it'd be like to maybe kiss Dongwoo one day when the first guy in their class to kiss a girl boasts about it to everyone.
(He doesn't think about what it'd be like to push him against a flat surface and press his lips to his collarbone or nip at his jawline and listen to all the little noises he'd make, rough, breathless, delicious little grunts and gasps. He doesn't think about licking at the sensitive spot on his neck, doesn't think about ways to make him lose more and more control. He doesn't think about how how Dongwoo would hold onto Howon's shoulders so tight it'd leave marks and how he would spread his legs and wrap them around his waist and-)
Oh.
A boy's name never passes Situation B Lee Howon's lips at night, when he's in bed, fingers wrapped around his cock, his free hand fumbling around for tissues in the dark a beat later.
He doesn't have to worry about feeling guilty in the morning, doesn't worry about not being able to look said boy in the eye.
Because in Situation B, Lee Howon doesn't know who Jang Dongwoo is and never finds out and really that makes all the difference in the world.
In Situation A, Lee Howon cleans up and falls asleep.
-
(The following is written on a piece of note paper roughly the size of an adult man's palm tucked away in a thick dictionary locked in a drawer in Howon's room)
FACTS
(it's underlined with three thick, fat, black marker lines)
1) I've been best friends with Dongwoo since I was six.
2) I've never kissed anyone before.
3) I really want to kiss Do
The above is crossed-out until the words are nearly impossible to read. There are layers upon layers of black ink shielding its back as well.)
3) A kiss should be with someone you like love care about who also cares about you.
4) I care about Dongwoo.
5) Dongwoo cares about me.
6) He also cares about Sunggyu, Sungjong, Sungyeol, Myungsoo and Woohyun.
6) Boys can't kiss other boys.
-
Howon wakes up.
He brushes his teeth, washes his face, changes into his school uniform, has breakfast and starts getting ready to leave for school. The doorbell rings and his mother answers it.
On the other side of the door, a blinding smile greets him.
"Hurry up, Howon! We're going to be late!" His mother waves them both off as soon as Howon pulls the knot of his shoelaces tight and gets out of the house, Dongwoo taking wide steps in front of him, almost a skip in his step.
Dongwoo's prattling on and on about what he ate for dinner the previous night, about the comedy show he watched after and did you catch it, Howon? It was so classic!
Howon remains silent save for throwing out a few suitable 'yes' and 'no's at the end of Dongwoo's sentences, gaze falling to the back of Dongwoo's neck, at the section of bare skin between his unruly hair and their uniform collar. He can't stop staring.
The silence stretches out a few seconds too long and Dongwoo turns and raises an eyebrow at him.
"Howon, you're spacing out. Are you okay?"
Howon nods, only able to offer a weak smile to placate him.
He can't quite meet Dongwoo's eyes.
-
"You are pathetic and you should tell him." Sungjong says before inviting himself to sprawl across Howon's lap after a roll of his eyes. "Moping is not attractive, hyung."
Howon doesn't ask Sungjong to get off his lap but he does frown and cross his arms.
"Neither is sulking, hyung." Sungjong singsongs as he scoots off of Howon when a shadow falls over them.
"Why are you moping?" Howon looks up and Dongwoo's at his side, hand on his shoulder. Howon jerks it away like it burns. Dongwoo's sunny expression falters for a split second before it returns to normal.
"Sorry, I must've scared you." Howon nods, not sure what to say, eyes still refusing to look Dongwoo straight in the face. Sungjong spares a pitiful glance at him over Dongwoo's shoulder. Sungjong walks over to the both of them, wraps a slim arm around Dongwoo's shoulders and breaks out his prettiest smile.
"Hyung, let's go. You promised me you'd help me perfect that one dance move in the Wonder Girls' video remember? The one that I can't quite get right." Dongwoo's eyes widen and he smiles - the same infuriating way he smiles at Howon, and Sunggyu and Myungsoo and really, everybody else - at Sungjong, apologizing for forgetting. Howon watches them leave with a small wave.
Sungjong glares at him when Dongwoo's not looking and pointedly mouths, tell him.
Howon pretends not to look.
-
The thing is Howon still can't help himself sometimes.
From staring a little too long when Dongwoo won't notice, to handing him his water bottle during track team practice before he even asks for it, and even wiping the sweat off his brow with his own towel ignoring Sungjong's disgusted expression. Dongwoo beams up at him and Howon feels his cheeks colour with something akin to guilt and affection before he allows himself to ruffle Dongwoo's hair.
Dongwoo sticks his tongue out at Sungjong. "Don't be jealous just because Howon likes me better." He leans into Howon's touch. "Right, Howon?"
Howon swallows down the lump in his throat as he retracts his hands (far, far away from all that smooth tan skin and soft hair) and his lips twitch into a perfunctory smile.
"Of course, hyung."
-
One summer, when Dongwoo was about nine and Howon about eight, Dongwoo came down with a fever that took with it his voice in addition to his appetite. That summer, they communicated in notes and flashlights.
Howon spent most of his time by Dongwoo's side, keeping him company.
They'd watch television together, Dongwoo laughing silently at the funny bits and they'd play video games (Dongwoo always let him win, and Howon kind of hated it) and whenever Dongwoo needed to say something, he'd write it down in his spiral bound notebook.
The spiral bound notebook had been a birthday present from Howon, secretly proud that he had gotten it with his own savings. It was a normal notebook, one any adult could probably buy without a second thought but it took Howon a few weeks to come up with the money. It was a present that came from his own efforts and it made him feel proud.
Each time he saw Dongwoo use it, his chest would swell with happiness. Dongwoo gestured him over and Howon kneeled by his side, watching the pen scratch against the paper in a flurry.
The first note read: I saw this done before in a movie
Dongwoo held up a flashlight.
It's all code and signals and Howon read the notes Dongwoo wrote with the utmost care, his eight year old mind trying his best to keep up.
From Dongwoo's bedroom, he could see Howon's bedroom and that's where the flashlights came in.
One blink meant hello, two blinks meant are you alright, and three blinks meant i'm okay. No blinks mean good night, go to sleep Dongwoo scribbles, giggling at his own wit and Howon just shakes his head and rolls his eyes. If we don't use the flashlight in five minutes, we just assume we've gone to sleep, alright? It means we'll stop talking.
Howon stares at all the notes and tries to keep track of everything and Dongwoo smiles, amused by his confusion.
This is so that you won't worry about me so much when you need to be at home. You can't be here all the time. You're always being so serious! So, hopefully this helps you to relax a bit okay. I'm your hyung, I'll be fine even if you're not here. So stop using me as an excuse to worry, you worry-wart.
Howon turned red and sheepish after reading the note and Dongwoo laughed. Howon's stomach did somersaults.
Later at night, settled under his covers, Howon crawled to the window with his flashlight in hand. He switched it on, then off, a second later. He held his breath. In the dark, a light switched on and off from the opposite street. Yo, Howon could imagine Dongwoo saying.
The signals became more complicated from then on, becoming a sort of secret language between the two of them.
The nights of Howon's eighth summer were spent with Howon clutching his torchlight to his chest, making sure his parents were still asleep to not catch him awake at ungodly hours and counting the seconds backwards from three hundred and smiling to himself when he knew Dongwoo was fast asleep.
-
When Dongwoo kisses someone for the first time, the first person he tells is Howon. He whispers it into his cellphone late at night, voice giddy with happiness and what Howon dreads to think is a hardcore case of puppy love.
She's so pretty and kind, Howon, I can't believe how lucky I am, and Howon just listens to him like he always has, and probably always will.
Sungjong finds out too and he sort of huffs, mumbles something about idiots who can't see past their noses but still gives him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
Dongwoo introduces her to the whole gang during lunchtime.
Her name is Hyosung and she's every bit as lovely as Dongwoo made her out to be, no exaggerations.
Howon couldn't hate her if he tried.
By lunchtime, Woohyun's tried to flirt with her (unsuccessfully), Sunggyu and Hyosung share some sort of understanding on the trials of being a class representative, she laughs at Sungyeol's pranks, gets into an impromptu dance-off with Sungjong and actually makes conversation with Myungsoo.
Hyosung charms the pants off of everyone and Howon isn't even finished with his lunch yet.
They're the type of couple that blush and giggle a lot and are as sickeningly cute as a boxful of kittens and Howon's stomach feels a little sick when he looks at them for too long.
(Sungjong makes some smartass comment about how your heart is not your stomach, hyung, but Howon ignores him because Sungjong is stupid and he talks too much)
Before Howon's even done eating, he stands up and mumbles something but needing to meet a teacher for something and stalks off.
-
After Dongwoo and Hyosung start dating, he doesn't wait for Howon after school anymore to walk home.
Everytime they do talk, all Dongwoo can talk about is what Hyosung did today, about how much she laughed at some joke he cracked and how pretty she looked and how fucking perfect his life is and Howon just nods and listens, knuckles turning white on the clenched fists he hides in his pockets.
Sungjong tries to cheer him up by setting him up with a couple of his many female friends, but it's awkward and clumsy and Howon never really knows how to act around girls, he's never as comfortable with them as he is with Dongwoo.
They're pretty and Howon tells them so, and they giggle and blush, but it does nothing for him. The dates always end with handshakes (who handshakes at the end of a date?) and no promises to meet up again.
Once, just once, a date actually goes somewhere and the girl - a high jumper from a neighbouring school that he'd met before at track meets - isn't put off by Howon's stiff, awkward ways and somehow they end up in her bedroom at the end of her night.
Her lips are on his and her hands on his belt and whoa, when did this happen?
She smells really nice, Howon thinks, kind of like how Dongwoo smells right after a shower and Howon never really noticed how similar her eyes were to Dongwoo's and oh, this was soon entering very high levels of wrong.
She smirks against his forehead as she unbuttons his shirt and Howon squints his eyes, trying to picture Dongwoo in her place. He imagines short blonde spikes instead of her brown bob, tan skin instead of pale white and imagines it's Dongwoo's mouth he's kissing, Dongwoo's skin he's touching and everything else becomes a blur.
-
(Howon imagines making love to his best friend while having sex with a girl. It's not something he's particularly proud of.)
-
Howon expects Dongwoo and Hyosung to make it all the way, live out the whole white picket fence scenario and everything.
Everybody does because they're the nicest couple anyone ever comes across, sweet and adorable and perfect to everyone else on the outside looking in, the ones people keep their fingers crossed for.
So when they break up, no one expects it. Howon doesn't either, doesn't expect Dongwoo to show up at his house, to come up to his room for the first time in months and curl up beside his bed, eyes red.
"Hyosung thinks we're better off as friends." Dongwoo says, and the sound of his voice, all droopy like a wilted plant makes Howon's stomach hurt again (stomach, not heart) and he sits right next to him, not quite knowing what to do with his hands.
"She's stupid," Howon says, without really meaning it but it just comes out and Dongwoo shakes his head.
"No, no, no. She's not stupid at all." He looks at Howon and snickers.
"Don't be angry, Howon, 'cause I'm definitely not." No, but you're sad so I have every reason to be, Howon feels like saying but has no idea how to without sounding like a little kid. He bites his tongue. Howon wishes he knew what to say. He's no good at this, making people cheer up business, he's horrible at it.
Dongwoo seems to sense his discomfort and really, Howon wishes it was this simple with everyone else when Dongwoo reassures him.
"Talking to you always makes me feel better, Howon. So just tell me anything, it sounds stupid," He snorts a little at himself and really, Howon shouldn't find it as endearing as he does.
"It sounds stupid, but I've missed the sound of your voice." His laugh is more genuine and Howon grins, feeling his shoulders relax as he scoots a little closer.
"So Woohyun was being an asshole at school again." He starts and Dongwoo smiles so bright, it hurts Howon's eyes.
(A little voice in his head that sounds a lot like Sungjong mutter something like: Your eyes aren't your heart either, genius.)
-
"You're still not going to do anything about him. Hyung. Seriously?" Howon glares at him and Sungjong returns it with the same intensity.
"He just broke up with his girlfriend. It's not appropriate." Neither is thinking of your best friend while fucking someone else but Sungjong doesn't need to know that, Howon thinks. Sungjong raises an eyebrow and Howon tenses up. Even thinking wasn't safe. Sungjong just knew when someone was hiding something.
"You're hiding something from me." Sungjong narrows his eyes and slaps him hard on the shoulder. "Lee Howon, tell me!" Howon frowns and holds his arm where it hurts.
"For a girl you hit really hard, you know that?" Sungjong's about to hit him again before Dongwoo appears, waving his arms in the air.
"Whoa, whoa. Cool down, Sungjong. What's wrong? What's going on?" Howon cuts Sungjong off before he can answer.
"Nothing, hyung. Nothing happened." He looks away from the both of them, but spares a smile for Dongwoo.
"I'm going to go running. I'll see you guys later."
-
Everything returns to normal.
Sungyeol continues playing pranks, Myungsoo joins him, Sungjong gets Dongwoo to do his girl group dance covers with him to upload on Daum because he's one of the few people whose body waves he approves of, Woohyun and Sunggyu are in their own little world and everything is just the way it used to be.
Dongwoo looks up and gives Howon a peace sign for no real reason at all but it catches him off guard and makes him smile.
Everything is exactly the way it should be.
-
Howon gets a letter. A letter with a heart-shaped sticker on the front and his name on the back and it's from a girl a year younger than them. She blushes when she meets him, mumbles something about liking him for a long time and runs back to her crowd of friends who are all huddled together, whispering.
Howon stares at it.
-
Of course, by the end of the school day, everybody knows and everybody includes Dongwoo who tackles him from the back and looks more excited about it than he is and starts off their conversation with, "Woohyun told me what happened! Congratulations!" Howon shakes him off his back and his lips set into a thin line.
"Thanks, I guess." He rubs the back of his neck. "I don't think I'll accept though." Dongwoo tilts his head.
"Really? Woohyun tell me this girl's great though. She's really sweet and smart and pretty and she seems to have pretty amazing taste in guys." Dongwoo says like he's making some off-hand comment about the weather, not knowing how he's making Howon's insides flutter.
"Hyung, could we not talk about this?" Howon says, his tone harsh and annoyed. A crease appears in Dongwoo's brow.
"Why, what's wrong? I was just thinking that you guys would look good together. I mean she's really cute-"
"Look, hyung, if you like her that much, why don't you date her?" The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them and Dongwoo's frown becomes deeper. Howon can't keep it all in anymore, it's too much.
Hyosung was too much, that girl that one night was too much, Dongwoo is just too much.
"Howon, did I do something? Why are you getting upset?" Dongwoo asks. Howon can't take it. He grabs his wrist and pulls him close and leans in, kisses him hard and Dongwoo's eyes are wide open and he's not kissing back and this isn't how he wanted it at all. He lets go and pulls back.
"This is why." He says, voice a whisper, and regrets it almost immediately when he sees the confusion and shock forming on Dongwoo's face.
He runs away.
-
Howon gets several messages from different people, all asking where he is or to answer their calls. Sungjong is the most persistent. The first message he sends reads: Pick up. He ignores it. The second one goes: Stop being a dick, you made Dongwoo-hyung sad therefore you must pay. Sungjong doesn't stop and soon his inbox is full, with Sungjong's 'Talk to him. He deserves to know.' and 'Answer our calls!'.
The 'Dongwoo-hyung won't call you because he thinks you're mad at him!' message stings a little but he doesn't budge.
Sungjong turns to blackmail promising that 'If he so much as sheds a tear, I'm telling Sungyeol-hyung to put vinegar in allyour food.'
A few hours later, two messages arrive. 'Hyung, seriously, he needs you :(' and 'Oh fine, forget it. Continue with your macho sulking but when you're done feeling sorry for yourself, talk to him.'
Howon deletes them all.
He lies back on his bed and thinks.
-
Howon spends the entire weekend thinking. He ends up switching off his phone which no doubt has to piss Sungjong off but all he really wants to do is think about what a mess he's made out of everything. He rolls to the side, looks at his bedside table and opens the top drawer. There's an old photo frame made of clay that he remembers making in art class.
Inside, there's a photo of him and Dongwoo as children, baring shark grins. Dongwoo was missing his two front teeth and they're both making twin peace signs. Back then, a year made a lot of difference and Dongwoo was a whole head taller than him. Howon smiles at the photo and sets it aside. Next to the photo frame there's a stack of note paper, frayed at the edges and beside it, a flashlight.
Howon holds them both in his hand. He looks at them for a long while, as though thinking about it.
After a few minutes pass, he shuts his bedside drawer close.
He leaves the flashlight outside.
-
Sender: HOWON（￣～￣)V
11-09-03 15:38
Hyung, I need to speak to you.
Sender: HOWON（￣～￣)V
11-09-03 16:05
Do you still remember the flashlight signals?
Sender: HOWON（￣～￣)V
11-09-03 16:10
I hope you do.
-
After the initial week when he was eight, after Howon struggled to keep up with knowing which signal meant what, it all came second nature to him.
Even without the notes, Howon could speak to Dongwoo with lights as easy as breathing. Almost ten years later, he still knows all the codes by heart. He knows what he's going to say and he paces his bedroom, checks the batteries twice before he sits back on his bed, waiting.
The sky begins to turn dark around six, and Dongwoo still doesn't leave any replies to his messages. At seven, night takes over and when Howon squints outside his window, he can barely make out anything besides the outline of Dongwoo's house.
Then, in the middle of the darkness, a tiny white light blinks from Dongwoo's bedroom.
Hi.
Howon sits up, stiffens. He rolls his thumb on his flashlight's button.
-
This is what Howon's flashlight say, in its series of blinks and dashes:
I thought about it all the time. About what it'd be like to kiss you. I wanted to do it for the longest time. I feel comfortable when I'm with you. Girls are pretty and nice and all that but the thing is they're not you. They could never be you.
I didn't control myself. I never wanted to hurt you. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. I apologize.
I realize that you probably don't feel the same.
-
Howon holds his breath. Five minutes. He gives himself five minutes. In his head, he starts counting backwards from three hundred, refusing to tear his eyes away from the window.
Two hundred and fifty, there's still nothing. Everything's still black. Everything's still black. Howon thinks back to that summer, years ago, the countdown still going off in his head, the numbers decreasing by the second.
It means we'll stop talking, he remembers, the way Dongwoo's childish scrawl looked on the paper.
A string of curses form in his head as he slowly counts backwards from fifty. He's pretty sure he stretches it out longer than it really lasts and then just like that, it's over.
Everything's over. Dongwoo won't be there when he walks home from school, he won't be there to annoy Howon, or laugh at Sungyeol together. Howon slumps on the bed, and lets everything sink in.
Howon yells at nothing, a wordless sound carrying all his anger and frustrations with it leaving his mouth and he feels like shit. Feels like he took the best, most horrible thing in his life and threw it away. He's about to pick something up and throw it when he feels his phone vibrate against his thigh and stares at the screen, stares at the name that appears.
He picks it up immediately.
"Hyung?"
I'm outside. So please come downstairs, you gigantic dummy, Dongwoo says before he hangs up and Howon feels like a first-class asshole because Dongwoo sounds as sad as he ever really allows himself to be (like the time Howon broke his leg in a football match, like the time Hyosung broke up with him and great, it's because of him now) but he makes his way down the stairs, steps heavy.
"Dongwoo's outside looking for you, dear. Is everything alright?" Howon nods to his mother, opening the door wide and it's raining and Dongwoo's standing there like a wet puppy and staring straight at him.
"Hyung? Are you crying?" Dongwoo doesn't answer, just stares at his feet.
"Hyung, let's go up alright?" Dongwoo doesn't say a word, it's unnerving seeing him so quiet but he follows Howon up the stairs and into his room. He closes the door behind them.
In the short amount of time it takes Howon to close the door, Dongwoo walks right up to him. There's barely any space between them and Howon's breath catches in his throat.
"Why are we both so stupid?" Dongwoo says, and he's chuckling and it makes his shoulders shake. He reaches up and curls his fingers against Howon's cheek, like he's appraising him. A shudder runs down Howon's spine and all this proximity, all of Dongwoo makes him feel a little dizzy.
"Especially you. You should've have said something. You bonehead." Dongwoo chides, but his voice sounds soft and fond. His hand drops to the juncture of his neck and shoulder.
"I'm not sure what to do. I don't know what I'm doing." Howon feels a rush of courage through his veins, his left hand finding its way to the back of Dongwoo's neck.
"I'm sorry, hyung, but I really just want to kiss you right now." Please don't say no, Howon thinks.
Dongwoo doesn't say anything at all so Howon takes it as his cue to lean in.
-
When Dongwoo kisses Howon for the second time, it's gentle and sweet and Howon feels his cheeks hurting from his own smile.
Dongwoo whispers into his collarbone about how I may be an idiot, but you're no better, why were you being so stupid, and never mind, I was stupid too, let's just be stupid together okay?
Howon doesn't know whether to hug Dongwoo so tight and just never let go, doesn't know whether to kiss him on his shoulder the way he does in all his dreams and has been wanting to do so for forever, but Dongwoo feels so warm and so right in his arms and this is real and it doesn't matter that he doesn't know because he has all the time in the world to figure it out.
"I think about you all the time, about all the things I've wanted to do with you, all the things I'd do to you." He says and Dongwoo giggles like he can't believe anybody would say something like that to him, like no one would ever see him that way. Howon's promises himself to prove to him just how wrong he is.
Howon's just about to kiss him again and Dongwoo's already looking up at him expectantly when the door opens and his mother's head pokes in.
"Is everything alright, dears? Dongwoo seemed a little under the weather there, just now."
Howon and Dongwoo exchange nervous glances but he laces his fingers with Dongwoo where his mother can't see.
"Everything's fine, mum." He looks at their joined hands from the corner of his eyes. "Everything's fine now."
-
The next day, Sungjong gives him a swift kick in the shin when Dongwoo's not looking.
"That's for ignoring my messages." Then, he's offering Howon his hand and helping him up. "Also, good job. Dongwoo-hyung's been humming to himself all day. I told you you should have told him years ago. Also, skip lunch, Sungyeol-hyung spiked it with wasabi." Howon narrows his eyes at him, rubbing his shin.
"What? You didn't think we'd get mad at you for doing what you did to Dongwoo-hyung? Fear not, all is forgiven." Howon rolls his eyes.
Sungjong smirks.
"Anyways, for all the trouble you've given me, I reserve the rights to naming your firstborn. Or first-adopted, in this case."
Howon elbows him in the waist.
-
Howon finds the silly little note he wrote about Dongwoo and kisses, reads it, and tears it into little pieces and throws them away.
-
Situation A Lee Howon doesn't live the normal, charmed life he would in Situation B.
Situation A Lee Howon lives a fucking fantastic life, that makes the other one pale by comparison.
He smiles when he feels Dongwoo's arms wrap around his shoulders tight at the end of another school day, his hair tickling his ear. Dongwoo lets go just to hold his hand.
Yep, Howon thinks. He wouldn't change anything for the world.